|
Monday, March 27, 2006
Now everybody knows the duck is the greediest animal in all the land an one day Zeus decided to teach him a lesson. So he invited all the animals over an promised to give each one a special present an sure enough the duck was one a the first ones that showed up.
First the giraffe walked up an Zeus said "Hello there giraffe, and what would you like for Zeusmas!" an the giraffe said "I'd like a new DVD player" an Zeus said "Oh ho! You may have it, but be careful what you wish for – you just might get it!" An so the giraffe took his DVD player an went on his way. Next the goldfish came up to Zeus an Zeus said to the goldfish "Hello there goldfish, and what would you like for Zeusmas!" an the goldfish said "I'd like a delicious frosted cupcake" an Zeus said "Oh ho! You may have it, but be careful what you wish for – you just might get it!" An so the goldfish took his delicious frosted cupcake an went on his way. Then the duck came up to Zeus an Zeus said "Hello there duck, and what would you like for Zeusmas!" an the duck said "I'd like all your money" an Zeus said "Oh ho! You may have it, but be careful what you wish for – you just might get it!" An so the duck took all of Zeus's money an went on his way. Then the ostrich came up to Zeus an Zeus said "What are you people still doing here?" an the ostrich said "I thought we all got presents" an Zeus said "Oh, alright" an the ostrich said "I want a racecar!" an Zeus realized he couldn't afford that on accounta he just gave all his money away to the duck an Zeus said "I don't have a racecar but how'd you like these neat complimentary airline saltines!" an the ostrich said "What about a jetpack instead?" an Zeus said "What the hell would you do with a jetpack?" an the ostrich said "Dunno, fly around and fight crime" an Zeus said "Get off my porch, birdboy." The ostrich decided Zeus was prejudiced against ostriches and declared himself an independent candidate for Zeus in the next election and while he didn't win he went on to steal enough votes from Zeus's core constituency of large flightless birds to throw the election to Zeus's main opponent, a charismatic walrus. The duck bought a real big house an hired some beefy duck guards to stand around it. They spent a lotta time beatin up Zeus. The Moral Of Our Story: Zeus is stupid. Labels: fables
posted by fafnir at 3:49 PM
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Now everybody knows that in the wild the monkey and the vending machine are terrible enemies and they hunt and fight each other night and day. But once there was a young monkey and a baby vending machine who didn't know this ancient law of the jungle and played with each other all day long. "You're my very best friend, vending machine," the monkey would say. "CHING CHING CHING, please deposit $1.25," the vending machine would say right back.
One day the monkey's father who was a great strong monkey king said to him "Monkey, the time has come when you must join with your monkey siblings in the war against the vending machines," and the monkey was angry and sad and threw bananas but he knew what had to be done, and the vending machine's father who was a mighty and respected automated subway token dispenser said "ba-DEEP! COLLECT CHANGE NOW" and the vending machine said "ba-ZEEEP-zhew" and rejected a wrinkled one dollar bill. The next day all the monkeys and the vending machines lined up the fight in the last great monkey-vending machine war and the monkey said "I'm sorry, vending machine" and the vending machine said "ding ding ka-BZZT" and the monkeys charged at the vending machines and the vending machines refunded numerous pennies and they all got squished by a bulldozer to make way for a new Wal-Mart which went on to sell a variety of products at very low prices but only by mistreating its low-wage workers. The Moral Of Our Story: Hey, have you seen that new Wal-Mart documentary? It's pretty good. Labels: fables
posted by fafnir at 3:52 PM
Friday, October 21, 2005
Once upon a time Zeus decided to hold a contest of animals with amazin feats a strength. The animal who won the contest would win a special prize. "Who will be the mightiest and the strongest and the fastest!" said Zeus. "Bring them before me that I may test them against each other!"
So the word spread all over the land about the contest of animals an sages an wisefolk an strange kings a foreign lands traveled from all over the world to come an watch. None a the animals showed up. They couldn't speak Greek. Some a the sages an wisefolk grabbed a pair a tortoises outta the woods on accounta they were the only animals anybody could catch. "Behold the feats of tortoise!" said Zeus. "Who will win their race!" The race took a while - tortoises are pretty slow - an the sages an wisefolk started to nod off. When they woke up the tortoises were off eatin leaves someplace. Everybody started to fight an argue over which tortoise won. Finally the wisest wisefolk of all decided, "We shall take it to Zeus - he will settle it once and for all." Nobody could find Zeus. Zeus was hangin out at a cockfight in Tijuana. "Go chicken, go chicken, go chicken!" shouted Zeus. The Moral Of Our Story: Man, what's wrong with Zeus? Labels: fables
posted by fafnir at 9:30 AM
Thursday, August 4, 2005
Once upon a time there was a Fafnir who was walkin through the woods when he came across the lion the ferocious an terrible king a the jungle. "Oh you stay away from me lion," said Fafnir, "cause I don't want you to eat me." "I will not harm you little Fafnir," said the lion, "but only if you remove the thorn from my paw which hurts so terribly." And so Fafnir removed the thorn and the lion was grateful.
The next week Fafnir was captured by the Romans an thrown into a lion pit an who should be in the lion pit but the very same lion, what a coincidence! "Oh lion you keep away, you said you would not eat me," said Fafnir. "I will not harm you this time either little Fafnir," said the lion, "if only you will help spread this antifungal cream on my toes, I have some kind of infection now." And so Fafnir helped spread the antifungal cream which was very gross. Tuesday Fafnir came across the lion on his living room couch. "Hey," said the lion. "How'd you get in here?" said Fafnir. "Oh, I found the key under the mat," said the lion. "And I will not harm you if only you make another trip to the store, we're totally outta nachos." And so Fafnir called Animal Control an the lion was shot with tranquilizer darts an dragged away to the zoo. The Moral of Our Story: Lions are annoying. Labels: fables
posted by fafnir at 4:07 PM
Thursday, July 7, 2005
Once upon a time there was a robot who loved the land like a woman an roamed the countryside. One day the robot came across a river where a frog lived and asked the frog to carry him across the river on his back. Now everybody knows that frogs an robots are enemies so the frog was pretty suspicious.
"You are a robot," says the frog. "You'll just zap me with your death ray when we're halfway across the river an I'm all defenseless." "Beep boop clank," says the robot. "Clank clank beep." "I dunno," says the frog. "Boop boop beep," says the robot. "Beep clank." "Oh well, I guess so," says the frog. So the robot stepped onto the frog an sank em both to the bottom a the river where they were stuck for the next coupla years. Later the robot was recovered by a salvage company and sold to a children's museum in Muskogee, Oklahoma. The frog got eaten by a bird. The Moral Of Our Story: Robots are heavy. Labels: fables
posted by fafnir at 8:08 AM
|
|
|
