Red Sands (2009)

During a routine mission in Afghanistan,  a group of US Soldiers destroy an ancient statue when bored, this releases a Spirit out for vengeance upon them.

A fairly good idea is firmly killed off with a plodding screenplay, horrible clichéd characters spurting the usual tired turgid dialogue, barely a scary moment in the entire sorry movie, and some cheap effects that you could recreate on your phone with a three quid app!

Expect to see in the bargain bins soon.

*****

The Tournament (2009)

Every 10 years an underground big bucks 'tournament' is staged in an unsuspecting town, a group of ex-military, hired assassins, psychos etc assemble for a kill or be killed, last man standing wins, and the prize is big, $10M and the accolation that goes with it....

A low budget Brit flick with some big names (Robert Carlyle, Ving Rhames, Kelly Hu) this is a fun action flick that doesn't drop a gear in it's 90 minutes, daft, violent and pretty entertaining and its not often that a film of this ilk is set in Middlesborough!! (this does give a nice 'surreal' touch to the film)

Good head cracking nonsense.

*****

Grotesque (2009)

An unnamed Doctor kidnaps a young couple and tortures them both physically and sexually for his own twisted pleasure, there, that's the plot, well, what else is there to say?

Well for starters this sicko Japanese torture porn flick makes one of the Saw or Hostile films look very tame, eye gouging, disembowelment, genital mutilation, amputation by chainsaw, this is serious hardcore horror only for those with the strongest stomachs and is quite unrelenting.

Recently the film was deemed so sadistic that is was point blank refused a certificate by the BBFC stating "given the unacceptable content featured throughout cutting the work is not a viable option in this case and the work is therefore refused a classification"

Sick and twisted it is still a well directed film with a suitable grim ending, approach with caution folks!

*****

The Loved Ones (2009)

What do you get if you cross Carrie with Saw? You get this instant horror classic from Australia that's what.

I have to admit I only stumbled across this film by accident when it got a rave review at this years Frighfest, so decided to give it a viewing, boy was I glad I did.When Brent (Xavier Samuel) turns down his unbeknown secret admirer 'Princess' (Robin McLeavy) he doesn't know what a big mistake he's making!!

A heady mix of utter gruesome nastiness, superb black humour and tongue in cheek dialogue, first time director Sean Byrne has produced one of the must see horror flicks of the past decade.

"Bring the hammer Daddy"

*****

My Bloody Valentine (2009)

Released last year originally in 3D this is a "seen it all before" slasher flick but fairly enjoyable due to it's no bars shed, in your face blood and guts attitude.There's three brutal murders in the first 10 minutes alone, pick axes through the back of victims heads, poking out the other end with an eyeball stuck on the end for good measure!

Apparently the 3D effects when viewed in the cinema were very effective indeed, they look gory and OTT enough just in 2D so I'd imagine a cinema viewing would have been a right popcorn eating hoot.

Forgettable, but gory fun.

*****

Dead Snow (2009)

Group of Norwegian teen/twenty somethings go on a weekend break in the middle of no-where, it all goes tits up though when they awaken a bunch of Nazi-Zombies, that's right, Nazi Zombies, not a good combination.

Gory, funny, this is a great laugh if like me you love a good splatter flick with it's tongue firmly in cheek.The majority of the carnage occurs during bright snowy daylight and it looks just great as the hugely menacing Nazi Zombie reek havoc on the dumb ass vacationers.

*****

The Box (2009)

A stranger leaves a package outside a couples front door, the package contains a wooden box with a button protected by a glass dome, locked with a key, plus a note, reading "Mr. Steward will come at 5:00 pm".The following day the stranger arrives and tells the couple that if they open the box with the key he possess they will be given a Million Dollars......but a person they do not know will die.

This story was previously adapted for an episode of the 1980's series of 'The Twilight Zone' and in all honesty the story could be told in 30 minutes.The first half of the film is fairly intriguing but the second half things do get bogged down with sinister Government plots and mysterious shadowy figures.

*****

Looking For Eric (2009)

A Ken Loach film about a Manchester Utd loving, divorced, down on his luck Postman doesn't sound like a great idea for a comedy, but this movie turned out to be a sparkling comedy gem.

To coin a footy cliche, this really is a "game of two half's", the first half we are introduced to Ken, divorced, living with his two stoner step-sons, who after stealing some weed he has a visitation form Eric Cantona who proceeds to inspire Ken in his life.The second half the plot switches to one of his step-sons who is indebted to a local gangster and is hiding a fire-arm for him.Ken won't stand for this and with the help of his fellow Posties and Utd fans sets out to resolve the matter once and for all.

You don't have to be a football or Manchester United fan to enjoy this, thoroughly enjoyable and a real feelgood movie, the final 15 minutes are a real surreal hoot.

Highly recommended

*****

Terminator Salvation (2009)

'The Terminator', what can you say, a classic of the 80's, and a bone-fide classic sci-fi movie, the 1990's brought us it's much anticipated sequel 'Terminator 2:Judgment Day'-I don't think I've ever walked out of a movie theatre so blown away.....'Terminator 3:Rise Of The Machines'-hell I even enjoyed that!!
So here we are with a third sequel that no one really wanted and only got any real publicity due to Christian Bales on set hissy fit, is it as bad as the critics make out?

Oh yes.
And worse.

THE DIRECTOR CALLS HIMSELF MCG AND HE MAKES TRANSFORMERS LOOK LIKE A MIKE LEIGH MOVIE, EXPLOSIONS-SHOUTING-MORE EXPLOSIONS................DO YOU GET THE PICTURE!?!?!?!??

A mind numbing movie of desperate proportions so bad I had to turn it off after 60 minutes of its tortuous running time, painful dialogue, plot holes you could park a bus in (have Skynet heard of 'thermal' heatseeking?)

Bollocks.

*****

Watchmen (2009)

Directed by Zach Snyder ('300', 'Dawn Of The Dead' 2004)) and adapted from Alan Moore's comic book novel, 'Watchmen' is an ambitious 160 minute action hero movie for an adult audience.Set in alternate 1985 New York, Nixon is still President after winning the Vietnam war thanks to the help of the 'superhero' Watchmen, but the the world is under threat from Nuclear war, whilst the world is on edge someone is murdering the now 'retired' Watchmen......

This is an incredibly stylish 'superhero' film that is firmly aimed at mature audiences, very much like the equally impressive 'Sin City', 'Watchmen' is a dark movie with sinister characters and dangerous streets.....this is not the American dream but the American nightmare.

*****

 

G.I Joe-The Rise Of The Cobra (2009)

I have to be honest, I hadn't got a clue who or what G.I Joe was before watching this movie, apparently they're military themed action figures produced by Hasbro, so, what we have here is a U.S 'Action Man' movie?!
You thought Transformers 2 was dumb, this 2 hour crash bang wallop-fest is almost on par with that disaster!
How can I describe this flick, well, combine the soulless cgi fx of the aforementioned 'Transformers -Revenge Of The Fallen' with the painful dialogue of the 'Fantastic Four' movies, the bad guys & bunkers of 'Austin Powers' and a large dose of 'Team America:World Police'-though the acting isn't as good as in Trey Parkers classic!!
What you get here is Polar Bears, Paris and pretty girls in peril, it's much like watching your mate play the latest Call Of Duty game for two hours and not letting you have a go.
(and there will be a sequel.............)

*****

Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs (2009)

Totally bonkers animated tale of a young 'nerd' Flint Lockwood who invents a machine that turns rain into food, any food be it Burgers, Ice Cream or giant sweet corn.

Firmly in the catagory of films such as "The Incredibles" which both adults and children can enjoy, 'Cloudy' is a tasty dish with wonderful animation, charming characters (a Mayor voiced by the legend that is Bruce 'Evil Dead' Campbell) and a great sense of fun.

An animated acid trip for all the family!!

*****

The Final Destination (2009)

Well here we are with the forth in the series, parts 1+2 were great popcorn movies, thrills, chills and loads of gore, part 3 was a tired mess, so can this new (released in 3D in the theatres) release return to the fun of its earlier predecessor's?

Well not really, there's no real suspense, the characters are all 'cardboard cutouts' and pretty loathsome or annoying, and if you've seen the first two movies it's just more of the same, just another remake with different pretty people dying in more and more bizarre circumstances.

*****

Law Abiding Citizen (2009)

Gerard Butler stars as Clyde Shelton, a decent honest guy, hey, he's a law abiding citizen, that is until two thugs murder his Wife and daughter, he then sets out to kill not just the perpetrators of the crime but all those in the justice system who he feels betrayed him.Basically we've seen this all before, it's nothing more than 'Death Wish' meets 'Saw', but don't let that put you off.

This is highly entertaining stuff, fastly paced, plenty off action and one great shock death scene!!

Perfect Saturday night popcorn entertainment, just don't take it's moral issues too seriously and enjoy this nonsense!

*****