Boring

Chritine Gilbert reckons that all our problems with naughty pupils would be solved if only we were more exciting. I was definitely a very boring teacher and never once did I dress up as a banana, juggle with kittens or saw anybody in half. (I did make quite a few baseball caps diappear however.) The only time I ever got the pupils wildly excited was if I really disliked the teacher who had to take them next.

Fortunately Mrs Gilbert is going to give schools some information to help them improve. A guide to basic tap dancing perhaps, card tricks or simple gymnastics? (subject to a 7 page Health and Safety Assessment of course).

The good news is that I have decided to apply for a position as an Ofsted Inspector; not because I believe that I have anything useful to say to the teachers, but simply because I think that it would be great fun and provide me with endless amusing stories to relate to my friends.

Francis Gilbert

Here's Francis Gilbert losing it on BBC news in a debate with Toby Young:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bVzVRkyjEM&feature=youtu.be

Francis is a well known education commenter and unlike me, is very knowledgeable on the subject. He is very left wing (which is presumably why he sent his son to a private school). He is probably not my greatest fan, once describing my book as 'vituperative' when we were interviewed together.

I thanked him profusely, not having any idea what the word meant.

I shouldn't be nasty about him as he means well, but the video is quite funny.

Ofsted

Ofsted is the current name for schools inspectors and their chief is Christine Gilbert, who has featured before in a couple of posts. Nowadays schools only get a couple of days notice before an inspection but if you slip the caretaker a tenner he will let you know a bit further in advance because they will have been told to tidy the place up a bit.

Now if you are a parent who would like your child to be taught effectively but most importantly to come out of school with a load of good exam grades which will help them get a well paid and interesting job, then you will be horrified to hear some of the things that Ofsted bang on about:

eg.

1) Giving out good quality notes is considered old fashioned. Ofsted recommend that the pupils are encouraged to 'make discoveries through their own research'. Which basically means letting them blunder along learning something that's completely wrong, rather than actually teaching them (which is after all what the teacher is being paid to do). This approach might be helpful to many new teachers who have a scant knowledge of their subject gained through a university few would recognise, but it won't help your child.

2) Everyone knows that the best way to improve at something is to practice (sorry anon- it should be practise) it. Therefore doing past papers under exam conditions will hugely improve your chances of answering similar questions in the real exam. You don't need to be a genius to figure that one out, but Ofsted don't like it and one school recently has been warned that a teacher who spent a lesson spent doing this would be graded 'unsatisfactory'. I'd say that this got me a stack of good results at school but I'm not allowed to teach in the state sector any more.

3) Peer assessment is a Good Thing. This is where Shane (who cannot read, despite 8 years at school) marks Annabel's work and scribbles all over it, maybe drawing a picture of his reproductive organ for good measure. Conversely Annabel will also be unable to read Shane's work, partly because it is gibberish, but mainly because he has stolen her glasses.

4) Lesson Aims and Objectives must be written on the board at the start of each lesson for no obvious reason. If the kids don't know what they were supposed to have learnt by the end of the lesson then something's badly wrong anyway, but a teacher will definitely be pulled up by Ofsted over this.

4) Differentiation and Individual learning plans are Very Good Things. Basically these involve pandering to those who can't be bothered to listen and giving them the totally false impression that once they leave school anyone will be interested in their preferred learning style. Meanwhile the clever kids are ignored so that they gradually become disillusioned and fed up.

5) Grading questions is important. This is where the pupils waste a lesson deciding what level various exam questions are (rather than actually doing them). I have no idea what the purpose of this is, but it probably explains why the candidates on The Apprentice can't do simple multiplication.

6) Children are also supposed to know what National Curriculum level they are on at all times. They don't care and it is of no importance, but Ofsted love it if you slip "and this is a level 5a question.." into your lesson. Don't ask me why.

7) Pupil centric learning, marketplace activities and a whole host of other nonsense that simply wastes the time of the bright pupil are lapped up by Ofsted inspectors. Teacher training constantly praises and stresses the importance of each new fad so that new staff are about as likely to think for themselves as a North Korean civil servant.

So basically a schools inspection is a simple box ticking exercise. None of the boxes ticked will benefit the pupils one jot and most will hinder them, waste their time and make the bright ones think that they are being taught by fools. However, if you are a teacher then make sure that you do all the above on the big day and if you are a parent, get saving up to send your child to private school.

The Gilbert Review

Although it sounds like a cartoon, this is actually a report which the Government commissioned and Alan Johnson will be listening to:

Its central recommendation is 'Personalised Learning' which we looked at in the last posts. Here are the others, with my own flippant comments.

1) All schools should set out how they are making personalised learning a reality. Personalised Learning doesn't sound very realistic in a class of 30 to me.

2) Feedback from pupils should be used to design lessons. Can you imagine this? "Today we shall be using the medium of football to teach quadratic equations..."

3) Parents should get more information, such as lesson plans on the internet. Why?

4) Teacher training should be revised, outstanding teachers might have sabbaticals to enhance their skills. Teacher Training should most certainly be revised and they should stop taking the hopeless cases. I like the sound of sabbaticals too (like in Australia) but do you get paid whilst you're away? (In which case would anyone come back?)

5) A group should be set up to distinguish effective innovation in teaching from "fads and fashions" Presumably to make sure that only the fads and fashions are adopted.

6) Pupils not progressing as expected should be entitled to extra support, such as one-to-one tuition, in or out of school. Sounds great and I shall be only too pleased to provide this at £35 per hour.

How much did they pay for this report?