Do NOT stone Yasmin Alibhai-Brown

I repeat- do NOT stone Yasmin Brown whatever you do, and more importantly do not under any circumstances suggest that I told you to.

Birmingham councillor Gareth Compton made a poor joke (although who am I to judge the quality of somebody else's humour?) by Twittering the following:

"Can someone please stone Yasmin Alibhai-Brown to death? I shan't tell

Amnesty if you don't. It would be a blessing, really"

He has been arrested and released on bail. Whether he will be charged remains to be seen.

I do think that this affair raises questions about being offended and freedom of speech, as does the case of accountant Paul Chambers who texted jokingly about blowing up Doncaster Airport when it closed because of snow and lost his job as a result.

Here's a few questions that spring to mind:

1) If a comment is clearly not a serious threat (ie if Gareth Compton doesn't make a habit of calling for his opponents to be murdered and Paul Chambers' flat was not filled with explosives, detonators and books urging terrorist attacks) then should they really be arrested and have their careers ruined?

2) Is there a difference between comments made in private and those made in public?

3) If so, then where does the boundary lie? Where do emails, letters, blogs and Twitter fit into this?

4) Did the Police arrest these men for inciting Allah to burn British soldiers yesterday?

5) What will I do when all the people I've written nasty things about send the Police round to take me away?

Joyce Walters

Mad payouts like this and this are just gifts to those who think that the public sector is living on a different planet.

£20 million paid in compensation claims to teachers last year. What has happened to our profession?

Black Boys

Katharine Birbalsingh, (the teacher who looks like the girl on Crystal Tipps and Alistair) recently made the point that black boys are often let down at school.

On average, the black boys I taught behaved far worse than the white ones and had more of a 'chip on their shoulder' attitude. Whilst this is partly due to their family backgrounds being on average less stable and being closer to a 'street culture' of crime and drugs, I believe that it is mainly because no white teacher ever dared to discipline them for fear of being accused of racism, which is the worst thing that can happen to you in teaching. Far better to have robbed a bank or mugged an old lady.

From the day they start school, allowances are made for the black boys and they are punished less harshly and less frequently than the white boys for the same misbehaviour. Kids very quickly work out where their boundaries are and behave accordingly.

Don't forget though, that this is a completely taboo topic in schools. Bringing it up is roughly equivalent to putting a giant Swastika up in your classroom, goose stepping down the corridors and shouting out "Sieg Heil!" when the Head walks into assembly.

Clashes at Student Fees Protest

The huge increase in Degree fees is very unfair. Well it's unfair to the clever students who would have got to University at any time in the last 30 years. Why on Earth should they have to subsidise a load of drongos who can barely read or write but have been told by their schools that it is their right to go onto further education?

Charge the thickos and we will happily pay for the bright sparks.

Haile Gebrselassie

As always, I'm a couple of days late with the news, but it's sad that I didn't notice the retirement of Haile Gebrselassie in the headlines. Not just for his 20 year career at the top of distance running where he won everything there was to win, but even more for his sportsmanship, respect for his rivals and being a thoroughly decent bloke. (His apology to Paul Tergat after shattering his record in the marathon sums him up)

Rather than spending his money on prostitutes, daft cars and cocaine, he has invested his energies in helping his home country of Ethiopia, setting up running clubs, schools and employing hundreds of locals in his clothing business. He must be one of the few sporting heroes that I've never heard anyone say a bad word about.

I won't mention the obvious sport that could benefit from having a few men like him.

Shopping Around for Exam Boards

I wrote about how schools shop around for exam boards that 'are most suited to their pupils' ie easiest, in my book (which you should buy today) and it looks like 5 Live have got round to reading it too.

Entering huge numbers of pupils for worthless qualifications which count as 4 GCSE's is a good trick but if a school is under pressure to improve their actual number of GCSE passes then they look for the board with the most modular courses (ie more opportunities to resit exams), plenty of coursework (which the pupils can be 'guided' on) and bizarre new subjects which the board is keen to promote (and therefore have a low pass mark). In the serious subjects, look for slight variants such as '21st Century Science'

Schools that need to improve will have all their best teachers taking the C/D borderline classes as there's no point in wasting them on the bright children or the ones who can't read.

Having more than one exam board introduces competition and you don't have to be a genius to work out what that does to exam standards.

Michael Heseltine

Michael Heseltine reckons that we should get retired army officers to sort out the discipline in schools. This is an old chestnut which gets aired every few years or so. Coincidentally, last weekend I spoke to a friend who had just left after 22 years service. He reckoned that he would last about 15 minutes as a state school teacher.

"Some kid would start mucking about, I'd tell them to stop, they would answer me back and I'd give them a slap..."

Hmmm. I'm afraid that idea's not going to work, Michael. You can't fight a battle if you are the only one who wants to.

Lady Gaga

We will never be able to compete with the United States if we are always playing catch-up. Can it really be true that none of our Universities offer the chance to study Lady Gaga?

Prisoners getting the vote

I'm fine about prisoners being allowed to vote. I just want them to stay prisoners for a bit longer than the people in charge do.

Work for Benefits

The idea must be thirty years old by now, so why has it taken so long to start asking the long term unemployed to work for their money?

Gobbledygook

I'm going to try and build up a comprehensive collection of nonsense education speak. The page will go up on the sidebar and will become a useful resource for any reader facing an interview for a position in Senior Management.

To start the ball rolling:

1) Performativity (the emphasis on achieving targets)

2) Dialogic teaching (having a chat with the kids)

3) Articulated progression (allowing pupils to choose their next step in the qualification system)

4) Level descriptor (the National Curriculum level of something)

I look forward to your contributions (but don't forget to say what they mean)

Tuition Fees

So it looks like University fees are going to rise to £9000 a year. Add say £3500 for rent each year and £4500 to live on, then after a three year degree students are going to leave owing about £50 000.

This is a frightening prospect for the ones who are doing a sensible subject, but for those on a Mickey Mouse course, it is utter madness. No school will tell them this beforehand however, because it is not in their interest. They know perfectly well that their Ofsted report will contain a simple percentage figure of pupils going into Higher education.

Sheffield

Whilst others might be worried about cuts, up in Sheffield the Socialist Republic has just spent £15 000 on a new logo for the city.

This is what they got for their money. Amazing, I'm sure you'll agree. Why did they not simply hold a competition in the local schools with a £250 prize for the winning effort?

Ah, I know- because it's not their own cash they are spending.

Fight, fight, fight!

As I've always maintained- the comments are the best part of this blog and a good fight is breaking out on the 'Benefits' post.

Can anyone actually explain in simple terms and without referring to some other article (which may or may not be true) just how much the banking crisis actually cost us? I've seen figures in the press ranging from zero to a trillion pounds, which I can't help but think is a rather generous margin of error.

Harriet Harman

As someone who has committed every 'ism' known to Man- sorry 'person', I can't help but think that it's a bit rich for Former Equalities Minister and general disaster Harrriet Harman to call Inverness MP Danny Alexander, a ginger rodent.

Would she have made a similar comment if he had been black, Asian or disabled? Many of my closest friends have met people who have had ginger families as neighbours and they are no different to normal ones.

Let us stand shoulder to shoulder with our copper cousins and condemn Harriet (whom you may notice, has grown stronger and more confident as we approach Halloween).

Benefits

One of the problems that has arisen thanks to the Benefits Culture that pervades our country is the seemingly genuine inability of many people to understand why you and I do not wish to pay enough taxes to allow them to live in properties that we could not afford to live in ourselves.

The Apprentice

All updates to The Apprentice should be posted here. I am no longer permitted to watch it as Mrs C. has seen through my simple pretension of having an interest in business from a professional point of view and realised that the programme simply features a variety of highly attractive women.

Ofsted

Ofsted is the current name for schools inspectors and their chief is Christine Gilbert, who has featured before in a couple of posts. Nowadays schools only get a couple of days notice before an inspection but if you slip the caretaker a tenner he will let you know a bit further in advance because they will have been told to tidy the place up a bit.

Now if you are a parent who would like your child to be taught effectively but most importantly to come out of school with a load of good exam grades which will help them get a well paid and interesting job, then you will be horrified to hear some of the things that Ofsted bang on about:

eg.

1) Giving out good quality notes is considered old fashioned. Ofsted recommend that the pupils are encouraged to 'make discoveries through their own research'. Which basically means letting them blunder along learning something that's completely wrong, rather than actually teaching them (which is after all what the teacher is being paid to do). This approach might be helpful to many new teachers who have a scant knowledge of their subject gained through a university few would recognise, but it won't help your child.

2) Everyone knows that the best way to improve at something is to practice (sorry anon- it should be practise) it. Therefore doing past papers under exam conditions will hugely improve your chances of answering similar questions in the real exam. You don't need to be a genius to figure that one out, but Ofsted don't like it and one school recently has been warned that a teacher who spent a lesson spent doing this would be graded 'unsatisfactory'. I'd say that this got me a stack of good results at school but I'm not allowed to teach in the state sector any more.

3) Peer assessment is a Good Thing. This is where Shane (who cannot read, despite 8 years at school) marks Annabel's work and scribbles all over it, maybe drawing a picture of his reproductive organ for good measure. Conversely Annabel will also be unable to read Shane's work, partly because it is gibberish, but mainly because he has stolen her glasses.

4) Lesson Aims and Objectives must be written on the board at the start of each lesson for no obvious reason. If the kids don't know what they were supposed to have learnt by the end of the lesson then something's badly wrong anyway, but a teacher will definitely be pulled up by Ofsted over this.

4) Differentiation and Individual learning plans are Very Good Things. Basically these involve pandering to those who can't be bothered to listen and giving them the totally false impression that once they leave school anyone will be interested in their preferred learning style. Meanwhile the clever kids are ignored so that they gradually become disillusioned and fed up.

5) Grading questions is important. This is where the pupils waste a lesson deciding what level various exam questions are (rather than actually doing them). I have no idea what the purpose of this is, but it probably explains why the candidates on The Apprentice can't do simple multiplication.

6) Children are also supposed to know what National Curriculum level they are on at all times. They don't care and it is of no importance, but Ofsted love it if you slip "and this is a level 5a question.." into your lesson. Don't ask me why.

7) Pupil centric learning, marketplace activities and a whole host of other nonsense that simply wastes the time of the bright pupil are lapped up by Ofsted inspectors. Teacher training constantly praises and stresses the importance of each new fad so that new staff are about as likely to think for themselves as a North Korean civil servant.

So basically a schools inspection is a simple box ticking exercise. None of the boxes ticked will benefit the pupils one jot and most will hinder them, waste their time and make the bright ones think that they are being taught by fools. However, if you are a teacher then make sure that you do all the above on the big day and if you are a parent, get saving up to send your child to private school.

Schools you think are Rubbish

Reader thought the following schools were rubbish. Feel free to add to the list. You can get to this post from the sidebar.

Schools that are offended by being labelled as 'rubbish' should feel free to sue me.

Schools you think are Great

Readers thought the following schools were great. Feel free to add to the list. You can get to this post from the sidebar.

Schools that take offence to being labelled 'great' should feel free to sue me.

St Aidan's in Harrogate

Clarendon House & Chatham House in Ramsgate

Magdalen College School, Brackley, Northants

Howard of Effingham,

Therfield

Royal Grammar School, High Wycome
Dr Challoners Grammar School, Amersham

Nonsuch High School for Girls, Sutton
The Abbey School Reading, Reading
Sutton Coldfield Grammar School for Girls
Colchester Royal Grammar School
Lancaster Girls' Grammar School
Reading School
The Tiffin Girls' School, Kingston upon Thames
Chelmsford County High School for Girls
Wolverhampton Girls' High School
Invicta Grammar School, Maidstone
Colyton Grammar School, Devon
King Edward VI Camp Hill School for Girls, Birmingham
King Edward VI Grammar School, Chelmsford
Newport Girls' High School
St Bede's College, Manchester
King Edward VI Camp Hill School for Boys, Birmingham
Colchester County High School for Girls
Queen Mary's Grammar School, Walsall
Wilson's School, Wallington

Andrew Marr

Andrew Marr described Bloggers at the Cheltenham Literary Festival:

"A lot of bloggers seem to be socially inadequate, pimpled, single, slightly seedy, bald, cauliflower-nosed young men sitting in their mother's basements and ranting. They are very angry people,"

He may well be right, but it's equally true to say that a lot of television is only suitable for the hard-of-thinking and much of what is printed in newspapers is either factually incorrect or biased politically.

My invitation to speak at the festival got lost in the post, apparently.

Katherine Birbalsingh Yet Again

Katherine Burbalsingh has now resigned. Was she forced out or was she offered a better job? I honestly don't know yet. I do know that what she said was spot on though.

Terrible Schools

Excellent! Now that we've started actually naming schools that we consider to be great, or at least pretty good, then it's time to also name the awful ones.

Now don't be afraid, nobody will find out who you are- just say 'my friend told me that her school, St. Lucifer's is a hellhole etc' or post anonymously or whatever- just do it. Hopefully one of them will try and sue me.

Great State Schools and The Daily Jolly

Re Great State Schools- not a single person has named one yet.

I know we have this culture in state teaching, of never naming and shaming, (which is why we are in such a mess) but I can't even manage to get anyone to name a school that they think is great!

Re 'The Daily Jolly' Yes I might have to change the name!

The Daily Jolly

'Bad news sells' has been the principle of the mainstream press for a couple of centuries. Have you ever noticed that you feel more upbeat if you don't read a newspaper or see the tv news for a week? Disasters, frauds, cutbacks, recessions, unemployment, terrorism, kidnappings, murders and muggings fill the news and produce a general feeling of doom and gloom. I reckon their theory is that by absorbing it, we feel part of a group that is banding together in adversity, to fight against a common enemy, like soldiers in a war.

If this is true (and I suspect that the newspapers will have invested heavily to find out) then there will be a small market indeed for Chalk Enterprises' new endeavour provisionally entitled 'The Daily Jolly' which will report such upbeat things as the success of the London rent a bike scheme, the numerous crime free neighbourhoods where teenagers are doing their homework of an evening rather than prowling the streets hoping to relieve you of your mobile phone and the beautiful colours of autumn visible up and down the country at the moment.

Great State Schools

As I've always said, the comments on this blog are usually better than the original posts and one of them recently made the point that there are excellent state schools out there but I never mention them.

This might well be true so let's do something about it. If you work at one then name it here and say why it deserves to be called great.

Hina Patel

Teenagers these days... they don't know they're born.

Ms Patel had a varied and demanding position at the school, whose motto is Nihil Nisi Bonum which means "only the best will do" (their teacher).

Cue comments about how the two boys will be traumatised etc.

GAP Logo

Gap recently changed its logo in the US at a cost of zillions, only to change it back a week later, after they received lots of criticism via Facebook and Twitter.

This apparently demonstrates the ever increasing power of social media to give a voice to the masses, which will force large companies to become increasingly transparent blah, blah, blah...

But does it really show that, or does it simply demonstrate how a small group of tech savvy people can hijack social media for their own ends? Did the average Gap shopper really care enough to post their criticism on Facebook or was the company just taken for a ride by four college kids from MIT?

Tuition Fees

The argument over tuition fees is very simple. We can either just send the clever kids to Uni like we used to and afford to pay them a grant, so that they leave with very little debt; or we can allow all the duffers to go, in which case we can't afford to subsidise every one of them, so they will have to pay out loads of money, which in many cases will be a millstone round their neck for years afterwards.

There, that's all there is to it.

Tasker Milward School

I love it when some innovative teacher does something very impressive that doesn't have anything to do with National Curriculum targets. This lot are launching their own weather balloon which should hopefully reach 20 odd miles altitude.

Mind you two grand seems quite steep. I'd have been temped to try it on the cheap with a load of hydrogen made in the science lab, a party pack of 500 balloons from Aldi and half a dozen confiscated smartphones for data and photos.

Probably why I'm not allowed to teach any more...

Head bans Fountain Pens

Headmaster Jack Williams of Hillcrest Grammar School in Stockport has banned the use of fountain pens by Year 11 pupils as he claims that the exam boards insist on black ballpoint pen being used for exams, because they scan the papers and send them out to be marked. (Hopefully by people who can speak English). Therefore he reckons that the kids should get used to writing in ballpoint pen.

I'm not so sure about this, as any scanner is perfectly capable of copying black or blue fountain pen ink. Maybe he's just after a bit of publicity for his school.

Anyway, it just goes to show that all in all, you're just another Bic in the wall...

The Apprentice

Which of the hopeless unemployables on the latest series of 'The Apprentice' would you most like to throw off a high building?

A) All of them

B) All of them

Even More Damn Katherine Birbalsingh

Here's the points she made in interview (I've copied them shamelessly from The Telegraph, without any permission)

* Lack of discipline is rife, because staff fear being labelled racist if they attempt to tackle bad behaviour by black pupils.

* Britain's state education system is an "international disgrace" which is incapable of reaching the "absurdly low" target of pupils achieving five grade Cs at GCSE.

* Mixed ability teaching, where bright students are taught alongside the less able, is "insane" because it means no pupils can receive the teaching they require.

* Ofsted's inspection criteria are so skewed and prescriptive, they can lead to great and inspirational teachers being labelled as underperforming.

* The fashion for "group teaching" in some schools prevents teachers setting out classroom desks in traditional rows, forcing them to be arranged in groups so pupils can work in pairs or teams.

* If you did not have chaos in our classrooms then everyone could get five Cs at GCSE. But instead we say 'It's not their fault – they come from a council estate, they're from a single parent family,' or 'They're black.'

I'm rather hoping that she will hurry up and say something that I don't agree with. Maybe she could go back to Marxism or something?

Katherine Birbalsingh Returns

Now she's being allowed back to work on Monday. Hoorah!

By the way, the rumour about her Head, Dr Irene Bishop being an ardent Labour supporter turned out to be true- she'd even appeared on stage once with Tony Blair. (No, not in a pantomime; in a party conference).

Obviously this had nothing to do with the course of action she took.

Four Lions

Saw the film 'Four Lions' last night, which shows how Sheffield has been transformed from the city of male strippers (The Full Monty, 1997) into the city of halfwitted suicide bombers in 2010.

Katherine Birbalsingh

Many thanks to the Head of St Michael and All Angels Church of England Academy (easy for you to say) for providing me with some great material for today's post.

Katherine Birbalsingh who teaches at the school has been sent home after making a speech at the Conservative Conference which slams the state education system. You can watch it here and everything she says is completely true. I feel like she's copied it all from my blog.

There is a Facebook Group here which you can join if you agree with her. (I've no idea whether these groups are effective or not but it's probably better than just shouting at the telly)

I can't confirm the rumour that Dr Irene Bishop, the Head who told her to er... 'work from home', allowed the Labour Party to use her previous school to launch its General Election campaign in 2001.

Michael Gove No Touching

Michael Gove has promised to clarify what exactly teachers can do to restrain violent pupils. The last Government promised to do that as well.

Lots of details need to be made clear eg. what happens if you try to stop a pupil storming out of a classroom and they push you away? What happens if the pupil then attacks you and you get hurt? Will you get suspended whilst an investigation takes place if the pupil makes an allegation after you restrain them? What happens if the Head tells everyone not to attempt to restrain pupils etc etc...

Carolyne Willow of the Childrens Rights Alliance isn't happy but she sounds a bit mad so we won't worry about her.

Pupils Protest Dover

Whilst the Police Inspector just made excuses for these brats who walked out and damaged some of their teachers' cars (no doubt following some new guidelines about non judgemental commenting or something equally mad), at least the Headmaster doesn't mince his words as much. We need to teach children that sometimes you just have to accept a rule that you might not like, otherwise who is ever going to employ them? (In the same way that I had to pay an extortionate amount for a new passport recently, but managed to resist doing any vandalism). In my book, the right of protest extends to sending a polite letter to those in charge.

Thanks to Inspector Gadget for the link and I would like to add that the 43 year old male reported to be hanging around outside the school gates was not me.

Michael Gove Heads New Powers

"Heads will be able to punish pupils in public places, such as in shopping centres" says Education Secretary Michael Gove here. I asked him to promise something like that, so that I would have some amusing material for today's post.

So Michael, what exactly will happen if the group of naughty pupils spitting at people over the balconies in the shopping centre, simply walk away shouting abuse (or give the Head a good kicking for their trouble). What happens to the Head if they decide to restrain one or more of these children and end up rolling round on the ground or lash out when the whole confrontation gets out of hand. Does Headmistress Slim really have the same set of powers as Headmaster Bruiser or will we just pretend that they do?

Wait a minute... we are assuming that Heads would actually want to get involved in disciplining their pupils outside school (although personally I would rather start a fight with a bunch of hoodlums than wander round a shopping centre any day). Would it lead to Heads feeling obliged to sort out shopping mall mischief and as a result finding the perfect excuse never to venture into them. What happens if the Head just chooses to walk on by, ignoring their ill-behaved learners.

Funniest of all, what happens when an enthusiastic Head starts to give hell to a group peeing in the fountain only to discover that they are not in fact pupils from their school?

Charter Schools

If you've got a few minutes, have a read of this article about the Charter Schools in New York. They demonstrate just how much State Education can be improved with the right mindset and without the need for any more money.

Equality Bill

I'd just like to say a quick thank you to Harriett Harman.

Not for lending me a stab vest or teaching me how to get off a driving penalty, but for helping me with a difficult decision. For a while Chalk Enterprises has been considering taking on an employee, but with employment law being such a nightmare for small businesses, I've been weighing up the pros and cons for a while. With the passing of 'Harman's Law' however, I have made up my mind.

The 2010 Equality Bill provides so many opportunities for employees to completely stuff us at no cost whatsoever to themselves that it effectively puts small employers into the same bracket as those who point at aeroplanes and shout in the street, or approach random passers by with assurances that Jesus will save them.

If small businesses are supposed to get us out of recession, then laws like this guarantee a jobless recovery without any doubt.

Benefits, Benefits, Benefits...

A friend of mine received a cheque last week for over a hundred pounds from some sort of Government scheme to enable mothers to eat well whilst pregnant. (There are of course no restrictions on what you actually spend the money on and she is a partner in a well known firm of accountants, so there's taxpayer's money well spent).

Can anybody tell me why on Earth we have been paying people to have children for so many years? We don't exactly have a shortage of people in this country so why don't we offer money to those that choose not to have them instead. Better still why don't we just not pay either group and save a small fortune, which could perhaps be used to fill in the numerous potholes in my road.

56 Sage St

If like me, your memories of computer games involve queuing behind a group of poorly behaved adolescents with a grubby 10 pence piece in your hand, waiting to play Pac Man, then it's time that you saw how things have progressed.

56 Sage Street is a free game from Barclays in which you must attempt to make something of your life despite starting off with nothing at all. To begin with your character has their bag stolen but fortunately the crime is witnessed by the enigmatic Mr C, who is the owner of the vast 56 Sage St trading empire. It turns out that he is dying and is looking for the right person to pass his company on to. Now there's a spot of good news for you!

However it's not in the bag yet and you must prove that you are worthy of this grand inheritance by building up skills and money before taking on a variety of challenges, sent to the mobile phone which is your character's sole remaining possession. It's easy to guide your little person round the dark and eerie city, doing good deeds, looking for work, trying to find somewhere to stay and make useful contacts. You can choose to go it alone or help others on the way to success. The graphics are very good, the game teaches you the value of money, but best of all, it is engaging- which is something that few games seem to manage. There are also links to Facebook and Twitter so that you can show off your progress in the game to your friends. Click on the video below to see the trailer.

Now play the game here

Sponsored Post

For Better or Worse

Those in charge say that kids are getting cleverer as evidenced by constantly improving exam results. Employers and cynics like me say that the average state educated child is less able than they were 25 years ago. (And in my opinion there is even more of a decline at the top end of the state sector).

Why is this?

a) Lack of discipline in schools which prevents any effective teaching

b) Fashionable new teaching methods which have replaced the simple and highly effective:

Teach something and make the kids practice it over and over again.

with:

Group discussions, peer assessment and individualised methods of learning.

I have criticised these silly ideas so many times that I feel I am starting to sound like a stuck record. Maybe I should just give up blogging and stick to working on Chalk Enterprises.

Immigration Cap

Although we are producing ever greater numbers of graduates, businesses are complaining loudly to the Government that the proposed cap on immigration will prevent them recruiting enough highly skilled people. Wasn't the whole point of increasing student numbers to make sure that we did have enough of them?

Presumably we are just churning out an endless stream of 21 year olds with degrees in worthless subjects.

Teflon

I love urban myths or common misconceptions. Here's one that was repeated in yesterday's Times:

"Teflon was one of the many spin-offs from the Space Race"

It was actually invented in 1938. Feel free to impress your friends with that and contribute any others you might know.

Meetings

A few posts ago I claimed that most of the work teachers do is a complete waste of their time. Meetings are a good example.

As a teacher, I used to have to regularly sit through an hour's excruciating tedium as one person after another asked for some minor clarification of a totally unimportant issue, or asked a question that had been answered only 5 minutes previously. Somebody would always be using buzzwords, management speak or stock phrases which meant nothing to me. Somebody else would always raise ludicrous objections to the most obvious of improvements. I would watch the clock hands creep round, trying desperately not to scream with frustration as my life ebbed away and my soul was devoured by the unrelenting mediocrity of it all.

Now that time is money, meetings are short and effective. They are only held when necessary, everyone says what they want, a deal is reached and usually everything is wrapped up in 15 minutes. It's not because we are particularly efficient, we just have better things to do with our time.

Email

I have always stuck to my theory that if something to do with computers isn't obvious then it's probably not worth learning, because if you wait around for a while then someone will come up with a easier way of doing it.

One thing I did take the trouble to find out how to do was the 'out of office' email auto-reply. When my SMT took to emailing staff in the evenings and at weekends with requests for this and that, I naively assumed that nobody in their right mind would bother replying to them, only to discover that many of the staff, especially the younger ones, grumbled but then simply did what they were asked.

This idea that staff should be contactable 24/7 is now becoming increasingly commonplace and it's even more frightening that some people accept it. If you haven't done so already, learn how to use auto-reply before it's too late. (There's always one even if the IT nerd denies it)

Science without the Science

After looking through a popular syllabus for year 7 and 8 Science, one thing struck me as odd.

There did not appear to be any Science in it.

There were endless fun activities where children could 'discover for themselves' although why the teacher doesn't just teach them something and then see if they get it by making them answer some questions, rather than let them waste an hour looking for something that they don't understand is a mystery to me. (It's all very well saying that they are 'doing what a scientist does' but we forget that the scientist spent many years diligently studying science first.)

There were 'investigations' into concepts such as force and pressure, but no recommendation that the pupils should practice calculating them. Come to think of it, there wasn't even a textbook!

There were endless opportunities for 'discussion' 'brainstorming' and 'group work'. However I couldn't see any formulas and definitions to learn or tricky problems to apply them on.

Maybe I'm getting old, but all this is just replacing rigorous science with easy entertainment. It might make the lessons more enjoyable but it certainly isn't going to produce any scientists.

State and Private

There is a huge gulf between the quality of education you get at a private school compared with what you get at the average state school. There are several reasons for this: private schools have more money to spend on each pupil so they can have smaller classes and they often select potential pupils by ability, so they don't have to deal with so many hard-of-thinking. Competitive sports are strongly encouraged and a huge range of after school activities are offered. Parents are also generally more cooperative as they are paying good money for their offspring to attend and on a statistical basis, Harry and Henrietta tend to be better behaved than Lee and Lewis, so less time is wasted dealing with constant low level disruption.

However, here are two additional factors that you must promise me never to mention out loud in the state staffroom...

Firstly their teachers tend on average to be better academically qualified in the subjects they teach than their state counterparts and they haven't all had their heads filled with nonsense on a PGCE course. The standard retort that they wouldn't last five minutes in a tough inner city comp is also true however.

Secondly private schools still teach in a fairly traditional fashion and insist on a high standard of discipline, which funnily enough leads to success, both academically and in employment. In the state sector however, we have embraced every fashion, fad and barking lunacy with an enthusiasm which makes me want to hold my head in my hands and weep tears of despair. (Group work, discussion, peer review, poster making, self expression and varied mediums of learning spring to mind, but these are only the tip of the iceberg). Why not just mix up a random selection of words and invent the next one yourself.

See, I told you not to mention them.

Too Many Special Needs

Well goodness me! Ofsted have finally realised what every decent teacher worked out ten years ago; ie that zillions of kids are being diagnosed as having 'special needs' when in reality they have just never been made to sit still and behave. Stupid lazy parents combined with trendy modern teaching methods that think 'discipline' is a naughty word.

Both the National Union of Teachers and the NASUWT (I still don't know what these letters stand for) have strongly condemned the announcement, which is a bit like the Flat Earth Society telling Columbus that he was delusional.

No link to the Times as they've started to charge, but the Telegraph article's here

Michael Gove

I like the sound of what Education Minister Michael Gove is saying about introducing technical colleges where pupils who aren't academic can go at 14 and learn something that will be of use to them, such as plumbing or plastering rather than History and French. Christine Blower from the National Union of Teachers opposes the plan, which is almost the definition of a good idea.

Gove also says that he wants to get rid of the excessive health and safety as well as the compensation culture that makes teachers reluctant to do anything interesting in case a parent sues the school. He also wants to give boys more opportunity for competition, which everybody knows they thrive on, rather than wrapping them up in cotton wool.

Good on him, but let's see if he actually does any of this. He will really have his work cut and will have to take on the teaching unions, parents and lawyers.

Gareth Malone

I can vividly remember watching the film Dead Poet's Society in about 1989 and deciding that I knew everything there was to know about teaching kids.

It's a popular storyline that has been repeated many times. Somebody with a bit of personality comes into a school and revolutionises things. The other teachers are sceptical but all the pupils love them, with all the fun activities and excitement. The public says "We need more people like him in teaching etc." There don't seem to be any exams in this world.

Enter Gareth Malone, teaching the kids outside, throwing flour bombs and going camping. He doesn't seem to need to fill out long risk assessment forms for any of this and is unaffected by health and safety requirements. The kids don't run away, start fighting or fall over and injure themselves. The head never tells him he can't do anything, or calls him in for a coffeeless interview and the parents never try and sue the school (well none of this happens on camera anyway.

My point is this: it's easy-peasy to come in to a school, be completely wacky, get the kids cheering for you and declare the whole thing a success. Then you can clear off, leaving the regular staff to pick up the pieces and answer questions like "Why can't we climb a tree and play with the chainsaw like we did with Mr Chalk?"

Koran Burning

If you are unable to join Pastor Terry Jones in his Koran Burning event this Saturday, then why not meet up with the crowds heading to a school near you in order to burn a copy of "It's Your Time You're Wasting"

It lights easily and burns with a soft yellowy-blue glow, giving off a pleasant warmth which is just the thing to ward off the mild chill of an early autumn evening.

Special Needs

A friend showed me a class list the other day, covered up the kids' surnames with a piece of paper and challenged me to say whether it was a top or bottom set just by looking at the first names.

Top Set, Bottom Set is the easiest game in the world and it took me about three seconds to announce that it was the bottom set (Kay-Tee and Colt for example are hardly likely to be anywhere else). What did surprise me was that out of 19 pupils, 15 had some sort of label ie ADHD, ADD Aspergers, School phobic, etc.

Now I know that since virtually all the special schools have been closed down, large numbers of children with all kinds of 'special needs' have been dumped into mainstream education where we can't cope with them. Their parents are very keen on this, saying that they want their child to integrate, which is fair enough, but often doesn't work. Most teachers have no special needs training and aren't really interested- they just want to teach their subject to children with a reasonable range of abilities and behaviour, which is after all what they signed up for in the first place. You don't see Lee throwing a tantrum (and a handful of test tubes) on these teaching adverts, do you?

I just can't help but wonder how many of these conditions have a genuine medical basis and how many are simply down to the child never having been shown how to behave and actually made to, rather than just being asked politely (Parents do seem genuinely afraid of being seen to control their child in public nowadays and you see comedy moments in every park or supermarket, where a fed up adult is trying to reason with a naughty three year old, rather than just giving them a good smack and telling them not to do it again. No doubt the same happens at home).

The cynic in me also firmly believes that the number of 'rich world diseases' will continue to rise for ever more as drug companies dream up new and profitable mind altering drugs to sell to us.

Reinventing the Wheel

Unlike me, teachers work very hard. Unfortunately, as I've said before; most of what they do is a complete waste of time. Across the country, thousands of them are busy duplicating each others' efforts, all producing plans for teaching the same lesson, or some weird and wonderful new method of teaching which was probably tried out and abandoned last year at another school half an hour's drive away. The number of teacher hours spent each year repeating somebody else's work is absolutely staggering and extremely depressing.

Large successful businesses do not make these basic mistakes. (Which of course is why they are successful). They have a set way of doing things in every branch or shop, based on what has been shown to work in the past. Procedures are laid out in great detail and followed rigourously. Problems can be analysed and solutions worked out based on what has happened elsewhere. I've heard the argument many times that 'every school is different' but to be honest they aren't really. They are all trying to do the same thing, but most could be so much better with a bit of guidance. As I've said before- run them like Tesco and see the improvement.

Axa Respect On The Road

If, like me you ride a bike sometimes, then you may well have had your life endangered by the various wretches of the road. Boy racers, half asleep drivers, too comfortable and lethargic to notice you, or those who simply have no spatial awareness whatsoever. I've always thought that too many drivers feel invulnerable when behind the wheel with the stereo blaring and behave toward other road users or pedestrians in a way they would never dare do in a face to face situation.

In order to try and draw attention to the problem, AXA Car Insurance are running a campaign at the moment called AXA Respect On The Road Click on the link I respect the road to visit their website and see a few details, or to add your own story of poor parking, motorway madness or traffic terror.

There is a Facebook Fanpage here which I urge you to 'Like' and a YouTube site here

Primary teachers might find the video ‘Road Rage kids’ useful.

It is acted entirely by 5 year olds, who imitate driving behaviour that they have copied from their parents. Children are the drivers of tomorrow, so anything we can do to try and influence them now can only be a good thing, especially as every blockbuster film bombards them with ever more ludicrous car chase scenes where nobody ever gets killed or injured, except possibly for a slight scratch or bruise with a bit of dust if the actor is male. Also, anyone who has to teach PHSE might well like Cab Cam, in which AXA took to the streets of London in a black taxi to carry out a survey of public opinion. (The driver doesn't appear to be wearing a seatbelt though!)

This post was sponsored by Axa Car insurance.

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The Pope's Visit

Can anybody explain to me exactly why my taxes are being used to help fund the Pope's visit? The man's views range from the merely bigoted to the truly bizarre. At least when some mad mullah comes over they pay their own way and provide an amusing spectacle.

Rod Liddle

Yesterday in the Sunday Times, Rod Liddle described bloggers as "that vast network of talentless and embittered individuals tapping away at their keyboards in the intellectual vacuum of cyberspace." I never realised that he read mine.

Whilst this might seem a bit rich from someone with no work experience outside journalism who writes a column each week about topics that were unlikely to have been covered in his Social Psychology degree, I don't blame Rod for launching an attack. He knows perfectly well that the mainstream press faces an ever growing problem, which is that the public now have a choice. They can read for free about the lunacy in for example, local councils, the justice system, the police, education or the NHS from people who actually know what they are talking about because they have worked for many years in these institutions, or alternatively they can pay to read a journalist's opinion on a topic they have no experience or understanding of.

Mind you, at least they know how to neatly finish off an article.

William Hague

William Hague has claimed today that when he used to do the deliveries for his dad's soft drinks company in Rotherham, he would regularly sleep with 14 women a day.

Getting a Grip

Aaargh...It's started already! I have been inundated with emails from teachers who have returned to find new computer systems that don't work, printers with no ink, photocopiers without paper and the entire staff email directory vanished without trace. Despite having 6 weeks off, there are numerous schools that haven't managed to issue timetables, registers, sets or even class lists.

Every Head needs a plaque with the phrase "Get a Grip!" nailed to their desk so it is the first thing they see each day.

Exams are NOT getting easier

Just because 5 year old Desiree Alli passed GCSE Maths this year does not mean that the exams have been getting steadily easier for years. It was simply a one-off and we should remember that an averagely intelligent child would have absolutely no chance of passing until they were 9 or even 10 years old.