"Yes, I am that person."

Shocked Co-Workers View Jane in a New Light

Waltham, MA. After a lengthy commute in light rain, an office discussion revealed that 25-year-old Jane Doe, does, in fact, drive abnormally slow during such times. Jane's receptionist was appalled. "I always wondered who was responsible for adding another half hour to my commute! Now I know!"

Jane, who has been driving since the age of 17, admits that the tradition of driving painfully slow in light rain or snow was handed down to her by her parents. "We had our share of honkers, but it gave my mom and dad great satisfaction to know that they were able to slow the traffic down to a reasonable speed. We were doing our share to prevent accidents." When asked what constitutes a safe speed on the highway during a sprinkle, Jane stands firm. "A 20-mile-per-hour crawl. Nothing more."

Jane also claims that she uses her tactics as a pedestrian. "This world moves way too fast. So, yes, I have to walk very slow sometimes. My goal is to slow everyone else down, but some people do get impatient and pass me in a huff. At least I try!"

Ms. Doe does not drive when the snow is heavy or the rain torrential. And all of her co-workers are thankful.

I Walked Abreu on Purpose, Papelbon Admits

"Yes, I did it on purpose!" a seemingly drunk Jonathan Papelbon announced at PJ Kilroy's bar last night, a witness said. Papelbon, star pitcher for the Boston Red Sox, claims that he did, in fact, walk Bobby Abreu so that he could end Sunday night's historic game by forcing the red hot Alex Rodriguez into a ground out.

Before this public declaration, there had been lots of speculation buzzing around as to whether or not it was true. Many fans had proposed the theory, but it remained unconfirmed. During his drunken rant, Papelbon explained that catcher Jason Varitek suggested the walk to Abreu. The team captain used a very rare signal and the closer sent a firm nod in agreement. "We both wanted A-Rod to end the game. Don't you think I can fan Abreu? Bobby ain't got nothin' on the Wild Thing!"

Witnesses to the admission were stunned. One patron said, "After he came out with it, he began rambling on about his unmatched pitching skills. He actually called (Mariano) Rivera a chump and challenged him to a pitching duel! It was crazy, man!" Some fans used their cell phones to snap pictures of Papelbon posing by the bar's pool table, making his famously intense face, holding the cue like a baseball. The bar became filled beyond capacity with curious onlookers and the pitcher was kindly asked to leave, a source said.