A non-fiction pitch - Deep Country

Not exactly a pitch paragraph today, but a pitch letter - the covering letter that you'd normally send with your synopsis and sample chapters if fiction, or your proposal+synopsis+sample if non-fiction.

Pitch paragraph - The Internet Revolutionary

Before I start my Crabbit Agony Aunt posts on Wednesday (and I already have several questions from you!), I have two pitches to offer you.

Today's is a self-published book from Beryl Kingston, who has previously had many books successfully published. She also has another publishing deal. But today we are looking at the pitch Beryl sent me.

The Internet Revolutionary by Beryl Kingston - described by the author as "modern morality tale", which does not make me want to read it! Sorry... But that may not matter because all readers are different and many people would not be put off by this. I'm just saying what I thought. When we pitch a book, we need to think of our intended readers, not readers who wouldn't read our sort of book; however, it's worth considering that we might unnecessarily put some people off simply by the way we describe a book, and those people might otherwise have wanted to read it. A good book can lose readers if the pitch is wrong.

Beryl's pitch:

This is the fictionalised story of the first internet revolution which took place in 2003. The young man whose life and loves we follow is an idealistic teacher who works in a tough inner city comprehensive and knows what a devastating effect constant examinations are having on his pupils. He is also the great-great nephew of Octavia Smith, suffragette and educational pioneer, whose story is told in 'Octavia' and 'Octavia's War' and inherits her fire. But because he can't see what one person could do against such a heavily entrenched system, he goes on working and enduring it. Then two things happen that change his opinion and his life. First he inherits his great aunt's papers, which are eye-openers, then he discovers that his A-level results have been doctored. The stage is set for revolution.
My comments:
OK, I'm going to hold my hands up and say that, although there are some intriguing elements, I'm confused. The first sentence leaves me in a ball of ignorance as to what this is about and what sort of story it is. The second sentence contains a couple of phrases that feel a little clichéd ("life and loves" and "tough inner city comprehensive" - you might decide to keep them, but I think they could be improved) but my main crit is that the point about constant exams, while certainly interesting in real life, doesn't sound compelling as a driving force in this context: it lacks emotional power. The third sentence contains a punctuation error which renders the meaning ambiguous. I've no idea whether Octavia Smith is fictional or not. And by the end, I still don't know what kind of revolution this is going to be.

The final sentence reads oddly after the previous one, which is incongruously light compared to the word "revolution". And if the stage is set at the end, I find that confusing, too, in terms of telling me how this story arc works. I'd rather have the revolution in the book, not at the end. (Which is maybe what happens in fact - perhaps it's only the pitch which makes it sound as though that's the end.)

The Internet Revolutionary sounds like a complex book, rich with possibilities, and those are obviously harder books to pitch. Somehow, as writers of such books, we have to find a way to get at the core and make it clear.

Beryl is a multi-published writer, so I'm sure the story itself is powerful and well-written, but this pitch doesn't do it justice in that case, I feel. Maybe everyone will disagree with me, but I think that a better pitch would create even more sales.

Any helpful comments, anyone? Here is the link to the book on Amazon. And thank you, Beryl, for sending me your pitch for the blog.

Pitch para - Your Bed of Heather

A pitch paragraph for you this morning.

YOUR BED OF HEATHER by Lorraine Blencoe  – YA historical fiction

Pitch para - Witch, Nun, Shaman's Drum

A pitch paragraph for you to consider and comment on.

WITCH, NUN, SHAMAN’S DRUM by Cameron Lawton – fantasy romance, self-published.
I know Cameron via Twitter and she's very serious about getting her work (various genres) published and learning as she goes, so she will welcome your constructive advice. But be gentle - writers bleed!

Pitch paragraph - Death at the Happiness Club

A pitch paragraph for you to consider. Please comment!

DEATH AT THE HAPPINESS CLUB by Cecilia Peartree – a mystery novel

Cecilia points out that this is the actual blurb from her Amazon entry and realizes that it’s therefore not necessarily exactly like a pitch paragraph.

Cecilia’s pitch:

“Death at the Happiness Club is the 4th in a series of quirky mysteries set in a small town in Scotland. When the Happiness Club comes to town, Maisie Sue sees it as an opportunity to rediscover romance, Jock McLean regards it with suspicion, and Jemima and Dave look forward to taking part in new activities with their friends. Amaryllis and Chief Inspector Smith go along to keep an eye on developments on their patch. As for Christopher, he misses the start of the excitement because of a prior engagement - walking the Fife Coastal Path with a figure from his past. But before anyone has had very much fun, it becomes clear that while the Happiness Club brings good times to some, to others it offers only desolation and death.”

My thoughts:

Despite what Cecilia said, I actually think it’s not far off a decent pitch paragraph. I like how the language reflects the “quirky” nature of the books, and quirky is a good word because it’s quite specific. 

My main criticism is that it’s woolly. (To be fair, Cecilia told me I would think that!) 

I feel that the following bits need more oomph and concreteness: “look forward to taking part in new activities with their friends” (such as?); “developments on their patch”; “had very much fun”. 

On the other hand, I feel that “walking the Fife coastal path” is an odd (and boring) detail, especially juxtaposed with “a figure from his past”, which is sinister (which is good) but vague (which is not). 

And I do strongly feel that “desolation and death” don’t fit the “quirky lightness of the rest of the pitch. Now, this could be deliberate, but I still don’t feel it’s right.

I can’t really offer a revision, because it requires knowledge of the details which are missing, but I would like to say that if this pitch were tightened, made more concrete and clear, not only would it do the job of being a decent pitch in a covering letter but also, since it is already published, more readers would buy it.

Please comment, readers! Cecilia is ready...

Pitch para - Dragonfire by Misha Herwin

As you may know, I'm giving published and self-published writers a chance to show us a pitch paragraph for their book and you the chance to comment, to the benefit of all concerned. Please see the post here for details of how to pitch your own book and about the possibility of it appearing in my forthcoming Dear Agent book. And meanwhile, PLEASE comment below - the writer would like your feedback as well as mine!

Today's paragraph is from a self-published children's book, Dragonfire by Misha Herwin and is a fantasy adventure. The age range that Misha gives is 8-12, but I should point out that if this was being pitched to an agent or publisher, that range would need to be narrowed. The convention is that no more than three years should be spanned - eg 8-10, 9-11. (Though you can say "teenage" or "young adult" if you mean 12+.)

I've explained to Misha that I'm happy to put it on the blog but I won't use it in Dear Agent (forthcoming book about covering letters), partly because I've got enough example paragraphs now, and partly because if I was actually advising her how to pitch it to an agent I'd first be gently suggesting that some things about the book changed, not just the pitch, and that's not the subject of Dear Agent!

Dragonfire by Misha Herwin
"Polly Miller has never belonged.  Orphaned as a baby when the firework factory exploded, wherever she goes she is followed by a trail of mysterious fires.  Thrown out of every foster home she ends up at St. Savlons, The Care Home for Truly Disruptive Kids.  Here she meets Courtliegh Jones and Sprog, who doesn’t speak but makes it clear that he is the little brother she never knew she had.  When he is kidnapped by the evil Lady Serena who wants him for her experiments to prove that magic and science are one and the same, Polly and Courtleigh set out to rescue him.  To do so they discover under the surface of this world another realm of shape changers and lost kingdoms.  Courtleigh learns he can speak to animals as if he is one of them, Polly that she can breathe fire.  They break into the Bioflex Foundation and face Lady Serena, who says that no one will believe kids from St. Savlons.  They simply don’t matter.  Furious Polly takes a deep breath and as the whole building goes up in flames, she Courtleigh and Sprog run for their lives."

OK, here are my comments:

• Nice and lively, with emotion and action. The names suggest humour and lightness in the story - fine if that's truly the tone of the book. It does label it as a particular type of story, though, so do be sure that's what you intend.
• "the" firework factory? As in the place where she lived/her parents worked? Or what? "the" is odd.
• "Courtleigh" is spelled in two different ways - this simple error would indicate to me (as a prospective reader on Amazon, for example, OR as an agent) that the book may also be full of errors.
• "To do so they discover under the surface of this world another realm of shape changers and lost kingdoms." Problems with this sentence: need commas to separate the phrases, otherwise it's hard to read first time; you don't mean "to do so" but "in doing so". Also, what do you mean by "under the surface of this world"? Do you mean underground, or metaphorically? Lack of clarity in a pitch raises flags for agents and other experts.
• "Furious Polly" - I think you mean "Furious, Polly..."
• In terms of the plot, I very much like the idea that at the core is an issue about science versus magic.  On the other hand, I find the fire-breathing skill and plot device a little problematic and not fully realised in terms of character and development. Also, you say she is thrown out of every care home - does that take up much of the actual story or is that back-story? That feels ambiguous and is, again, something the agent really does need to know in order to feel what sort of book it is.
• For a pitch paragraph, we need to know something of the resolution, though I do appreciate you don't want to give that away to actual readers.
• In terms of character development, you start by saying that Polly has never belonged, yet you never refer to this again or present it as a strong element, which it could/should be. Sprog "doesn't speak" - can you develop this and make it feel important? If not, leave it out.
• I think that rather than focus quite a few words on details (such as what Lady Serena said) you could pump more emotional and dramatic content in, with more wide-sweeping dramatic phrases.

So, if I was looking for an adventure/fantasy to buy for this age group, (and I do have several young relatives of the right age!), I wouldn't buy it as it's described here, simply because the writing of the pitch isn't tight enough for my liking. HOWEVER, if I was an agent looking for an adventure/fantasy for this age group, I might be tempted to read the first couple of pages of the submission, and if the writing there is good then I would stop worrying about the pitch paragraph.

In short, there's a lot that could be done to sell more copies of Dragonfire by tightening the blurb and I do hope Misha looks at some of the suggestions and sees which she agrees with. It's her call and my comments are only suggestions.

And if you are interested in reading an extract from the actual book, the link is here! But please comment on the pitch first.

Pitch paragraph example - Shedworking by Alex Johnson

Here is the first of the pitch paragraph examples, as advertised in a recent post. If you would like to offer your own pitch, please do read that post as I won't repeat myself. I will, however, stress that there is a quid pro quo, as follows:

What I get: the ability to feature your pitch, and my comments, in my forthcoming book, Dear Agent, in order to help writers write good covering letters to go with their submissions. I will let you know if I'm using your pitch in the book and will give you the chance to veto my comments. (Though I am very careful not to embarrass anyone with undue negativity.)

What you get: two things. First, the chance to have your pitch improved (if, for example, your book is available on Amazon/anywhere and you'd like to think about making it even better). Second, the chance to pitch your book to potential readers. It's a fab opportunity, I believe, and I actually think you gain more than I do, so there.

My first example is a non-fiction pitch, for a published book.

Shedworking by Alex Johnson
(This is book is published by Frances Lincoln and, as I write this paragraph, my very own shed is currently being installed in my garden, in unremitting pouring rain.)

Alex’s pitch:
The traditional workplace is dying. Technology is killing the commute. In the 21st century hundreds of thousands of people across the planet are quietly forging a lifestyle revolution. They are going to work in garden offices. They are shedworkers. In the UK alone, latest research shows the shedworking economy will top £8 billion this year, up 25% from 2010. Writers, designers, lawyers, bankers, small businessmen and women in all areas of work are all following the lead of famous shedworkers such as Roald Dahl, Mozart, Walt Disney and motorbike pioneers William S. Harley and Arthur Davidson. Inspired by Shedworking (www.shedworking.co.uk), the internationally popular blog which attracts more than 50,000 readers a month, Shedworking: The Alternative Workplace Revolution by Alex Johnson is the first book to document this seachange in how we work. A fully illustrated guide with superb photographs and real life case studies, it looks at every aspect of shedworking, from its long and distinguished history to how to build your own, and explains how anybody can join the growing army of people who have decided to swap the traffic jam for the 90 second commute.

My thoughts:
It’s pretty damn brilliant. But I can't just say that, can I? Where would my crabbit reputation be then??So, OK, for my taste, there’s a tiny bit too much info. After all, the submission for a non-fiction book will include a proposal which will give the facts and figures, and things like the examples of famous shedworkers. However, this would be perfect for a press release, and I do realise that Alex wasn't really writing this to acquire an agent or a deal, which he already has. I also know that he would have preferred to split it into two or three separate paragraphs, but he was being very good and doing exactly what I asked for… So, what would I leave out? I think Roald Dahl, Mozart and Walt Disney are sufficient examples, so I'd omit the others, especially as they require that extra phrase to describe them. As a copy-writing freak, I’d omit “across the planet”, as being unnecessary. I’d love to have an argument about that first sentence, too, but it should probably stay for its impact alone!

Excellent job, anyway. Nice and full, well-crafted, and does what it needs to do. Crucially for non-fiction, it specifices Alex's platform (the blog) and the facts which make this book fill a gap in the market. (By the way, the bit about platform could equally well go in the rest of the covering letters, but that's the subject of another chapter in my booky book.)


And it's a lovely book, too, a perfect present for anyone who works in an office in the garden.

Any comments, anyone?

Pitch Pitch: two contemporary pitches

Another double pitch for your constructive criticism today. Remember, these are designed to be the paragraph within the covering letter in a UK query which describes and sells the book, hooking an agent or publisher. They need to be eloquent, focused, concrete,  and give a sense of the ending.

Please add your constructive comments below. As you know, I always try to add my thoughts after the pitches, but I just don't have time at the moment as I'm still off on a bookish tour.

New Beginnings – a contemporary romance by Johanna Nield

Newly single and just hitting her thirties, Tasha fears she’s falling in love with her married boss. Distracting herself with work, friends, and a persistent colleague, she pours her secret thoughts and desires into her on-line diary. Her blog also reveals life-changing events, heartache and happiness, and the uncertainty of an unfolding future. This is Tasha's story - a tale of love, loss, life and lots more - but don't be misled: you may laugh with her at times, but you'll also cry with and for her as she tries to make the best of what life throws her way.

Leverage (working title) - a light-hearted thriller/mystery/romp/chick lit novel by KC.
Nellie Pert is 40, single and chaotic. By day, and sometimes through the night, she earns a crust as a business intelligence consultant, dishing the dirt on philandering CEOs, spilling the beans on hostile takeover bids and generally making a nuisance of herself for a series of scheming corporate clients.

By night, and sometimes all day, money burns a hole in Nellie's purse. Every sou she earns is splashed on pino grigio, fine dining, net-a-porter and items of a spangly nature, much to the exasperation of her long-suffering creditors and the friends who bale her out between assignments.

Nellie knows a lot of secrets, and before long her chaotic lifestyle, shady acquaintances and tipsy indiscretions land her in a whole heap of trouble with some very powerful people. In the ensuing commotion, the reader is plunged into the murky undercover world of the corporate spy, as Nellie attempts to extricate herself from a dastardly plot to frame her for a heinous crime.

Comment away, people!

Pitch Pitch - two novels today

Two pitches for novels today and, as last week, I have no time to add my comments as I’d wish so, it’s over to you, readers. You should know the form by now but if not, scroll down to last week’s pitch or put the words Pitch Pitch in the search box on the right.

Constructive comments, please, and don’t forget to say whether you are normally a fan of this genre.

The Apprentice – a historical novel by Zeba Clarke, who writes as Madeleine Conway

A young woman avoids the convent by masquerading as her brother at the decadent court of Henri IV. Young Apollonia, apprenticed to her uncle, a court painter, is ensnared in the intrigues of Henriette D'Entragues, the King's mistress. D'Entragues is determined to marry the King. But he opts to marry the Duke of Tuscany's daughter, rich, pretty Marie de Medici. The two women become bitter rivals, each jockeying for power and precedence.

When her uncle is accused of murdering one of the King's many lovers, Apollonia risks everything to save him, including her own identity and the respect of the man she loves, to identify which of the King's women actually instigated the murder. 

The first in a trilogy following the life and love affairs of Apollonia Ghiselli, successful artist and spy, as she travels the courts of Europe, caught between the demands of her work and the desires of the two men who love her.

Reparation – a crime novel by Joanne Michael

Two women battle for supremacy, not only against each other but over their inner darkness.  Only one knows the face of her adversary.

Returning to North Wales, in an attempt to put her husband’s infidelities and betrayals behind them, Jenny Richards, a former poster girl for the Met., tries to rebuild her shattered family and self-confidence.  As she delves deeper into the cold cases of six missing, elderly women, an insidious sense of foreboding and danger threaten to destroy what is left of her family and her sanity.

Laura Collins; a.k.a. Libertine, an ambitious reporter; has her own closely guarded demons to purge. Suffering a childhood littered with abuse and indifference from those in authority, she watches as Jenny inexorably moves toward her.  As Laura’s carefully maintained mask begins to crumble, her primal instinct to protect her deeply loved sister ignites.  Laura has to stop Jenny.  Permanently.

Comments? What do you like/not like and what could be improved?

Pitch Pitch - three YA/12+ pitches

In an effort to get through the backlog of pitches that brave writers have sent in, I’m putting up three teenage/YA pitches in one go. If you aren’t familiar with this incredibly useful and popular exercise, do go and read some of the comments on recent pitches. (Put Pitch Pitch in the search box at top right.). If you’d like to pitch your own book and get help from my highly constructive readers, do read this post to find out what to do.

And I have an apology: I have no time at all to comment on these pitches as I usually do. I’m away on a scary schedule of events and I am running to keep up with myself. So, readers, it’s over to you. Be constructive and honest with respect, as you always are. 

Fire in the Blood – an urban fantasy for 12+ by Audry T

Ever since her father abandoned her, Sandra Guirola has seen herself as a defender of the underdog, tough enough to keep those she cares about from being hurt by others. But Sandra's carefully-spun illusion begins to unravel when she sets her best friend Juliet up with a boy she thinks will bring the shy girl out of her shell, and inadvertently exposes her to a preternatural killer who has been lurking on the fringes of both their lives for more than a decade.

Juliet Abrams has lived in near-seclusion most of her life, thanks to the scar disfiguring her face and the traumatic memory of seeing her family murdered by an unholy monster. She lives vicariously through Sandra's romances, believing that love is a distant dream she will never achieve, until the night she meets a boy who empathizes with her disfigurement, and finds herself drawn into a deadly love triangle that nearly ends up tearing to pieces the only relationship that truly matters -- her friendship with Sandra.

(Audry also mentioned to me that it’s told from two alternating first-person perspectives, which she has not indicated in the pitch but would in the longer synopsis.)

Training Time – a YA novel by Kirsty Stanley

After her step-brother is murdered, Jane, fuelled by grief and her untreated bipolar disorder, nearly ends up dead, or in jail. Her step-father, the commander of the time police academy persuades the judge to recruit her to the academy rather than commit her. 

Inspired by the teachers pioneering this new technology and by the classmates who treat her as an equal, even when they are sabotaging her, Jane starts to get closer to the truth, of what she wants her life to be and to discovering who murdered Jamie. 

Travelling through time brings new challenges including a burst appendix and adhering to ethical guidelines regarding what is right and wrong. But, Jane has never really been one to follow conventional rules and this time she has friends to play look out for her, even down to spotting the love of her life. About time.

We Took Risks – a YA adventure with romance, by Jennifer Burkinshaw

The stakes are high for 17 year old Tess on her drama residential in Grange-over-Sands:  having always needed speech therapy, she has to succeed in her ensemble devised performance.  That will show her nemesis, Courtney, also in the group, that Tess can speak clearly enough, as well as the necessary confidence to study law.

But Courtney and the other four are distracted both by romance and an increasingly dangerous series of dares to liven up this has-been resort. Following their guided walk across Morecambe Bay, Korean Terry is hopelessly determined to find the last body of the Chinese cocklers. When the five set off alone across the lethal Morecambe Bay, it’s Tess who brings them a compass in the fog, and stays with Courtney as she’s stuck in sinking sand.

Jack, Tess’s speech therapist, is also on the trip to help with the drama and becomes part of the rescue of Tess and Courtney. Faced with death, Tess can finally acknowledge her feelings for him.

(Jennifer adds: What I don't feel I've managed to get into my pitch is that it's narrated in the first person by Tess, and there's an element of satire to it.)

Thanks to all those writers for being intrepid. As I say, I’m so sorry I just have no time to add comments but please, the rest of you, comment away!

Pitch Pitch: -

I have another Pitch Pitch for you. I think you're familiar with this process now but if not please go here and read the guidelines. And then comment - the writer would like your help!


Niki describes her book as a "fiction story" - Niki, just say "novel", ok? For the genre, you said "suspenseful romance" - just say romance. It is supposed to be suspenseful anyway! 

STALKING HER HEART by Niki Nikolopoulos
Stalking Her Heart tells us about a fiery young woman who has been on the run for the past thirteen years. When her stalker unexpectedly reappears, Zoe Naples had finally thought she was through with running. Nick Sekineph, a local police officer, becomes her unlikely protector as Zoe avoids near misses with speeding cars, razor sharp knives, and a hostage nightmare. 

As they work together to track down the suspect, and stay alive in the process, they find an unexpected romance brewing beneath the North Carolina sun. Zoe begins to realize love doesn’t have to be her biggest fear however before she can explore that journey she is pulled back into another dangerous path of attempted murder, death threats and a lonely boat to nowhere. 

When Zoe takes matters into her own hands she inadvertently puts both their lives at stake. She is determined to stop being the victim, in life, in love, most of all in her very own mind. 

Niki, I feel that there are some clichés and some loose writing going on here, perhaps disguising what could be an exciting romance. Can I suggest this as a better start?

Thirteen years ago, Zoe Naples was stalked by a dangerous man. She thinks she's shaken him off and built a new life in safety. But suddenly he reappears, angrier and more dangerous than ever.  

Let me highlight the loose bits:

• unlikely protector - why?
• fieryyoung woman - but you say she's a victim, in life, in love...in her very own mind 
• brewing beneath the North Carolina sun - cliché
• if she's been on the run for 13 years, how come the stalker unexpectedly appears? Surely she'd be expecting it every minute if she's running from him?

So, I feel you ned to look really carefully at each word and phrase. You seem to have thought to yourself, "How can I make this sound like a book blurb?" instead of "How can I really compellingly get to grips with THIS book to sell it?" Does that make sense? Underneath that, though, there is the making of an exciting story!

Do comment, please, folks. I'm away almost every day for the next two weeks, doing a ridiculously hectic series of talks, and travelling to London three times, so I won't be around much to comment. Please play nicely!

Pitch Pitch: - BENEATH THE RAINBOW

Final pitch of Pitch Pitch week (though I'll do some more irregularly over the next couple of weeks.) Check back over the rest of this week to see what happens, and do do do please add your comments because these brave writers really need you.

Pitch Pitch: - DESPRITE MEASURES

Pitch Pitch week continues apace. You know the form by now - if not, please read the earlier posts this week and the comments.


Today's brave and hopeful writer is Deborah Jay with an urban fantasy, DESPRITE MEASURES.  

Following one too many close encounters with modern plumbing, Scottish water sprite, Cassie, is trying to adapt to life as a human when she is captured by a magician. He intends using her power to fuel a potentially lethal experiment. 

Escape is just the first of Cassie’s challenges. She falls hopelessly in love with the magician’s other victim, Gloria, a fire elemental she can never touch. And, despite the impossibility of an elemental being a witch, she somehow gains a mischievous mink as a familiar and becomes a pawn in a power contest between rival covens. Add a vampire-junkie hedge witch and a powerful but vulnerable druid, and Cassie is swimming in problems. 

When she uncovers the magician’s true motive - to produce clean, free energy – Cassie realises she must thwart Gloria’s plan to murder him whilst not getting either of them killed. With kidnap and blackmail also in the picture, there are multiple lives – and loves – at stake.

I'm not at all an expert in this genre but I think it sounds like a well-crafted pitch. As with all the other ones this week, I need to know how the story ends (roughly) - "there are multiple lives – and loves – at stake" is too vague an ending. I think I'd like to see some darker elements to provide the necessary grit, but maybe that's my ignorance of the genre? 


I'd love to know your comments, people.

Pitch Pitch: - BELLADONNA

Here's the third of this week's Pitch Pitches. If you are new, please see this post here. See Monday and Tuesday's posts and do comment there, too. It's a whole Pitch Pitch week!

Pitch Pitch: - IS IT NOW YET?

Here's the second of this week's Pitch Pitches. If you don't know about the commenting parameters, please see this post here. Remember, this is to be the "hook" paragraph in the covering letter. A full synopsis would accompany it, along with the sample chapters. See yesterday's post and do comment there, too. I'd love lot of comments throughout the week, to help these intrepid writers!


Today's writer is Leigh Caron. She describes the genre as "humorous women's fiction", and I keep getting the giggles because I keep thinking it might be for humorous women, but I KNOW what she means!

IS IT NOW YET? by Leigh Caron
If hot flashes and a frigid marriage aren’t enough to push Em to the brink, when she hires a rugged younger Mexican guest worker to rescue her Ohio native prairie garden from being plowed under, his tender ways not only thaw her broken heart but set her pants on fire! Unable to live the charade of her marriage anymore, Em must find the courage to follow her heart for the first time in her life. IS IT NOW YET? is one woman’s coming of middle-age journey. 

Note from me: I am totally unfamiliar with this genre. (I never read Bridget Jones's Diary or even saw the film.) So I don't feel qualified to comment, other than to say two things:

1. It's admirably succinct. 
2. But we do need to know how it ends. It would be good for the blurb on the jacket but the pitch needs to give the agent or publisher more of a sense of how the journey goes and how it ends.

So, people, it's over to you! Does this pitch have legs? I'm sure they'll be gorgeous legs if so...

Pitch Pitch: - ANTHONY WISH HITS PAYDIRT

Announcing the beginning of PITCH WEEK! Every day this week, another brave writer will see his or her proposed pitch here for your constructive feedback. This is the "hook" paragraph for the covering letter of the submission. It needs to have "must-read" factor suitable for its intended genre and age-range. It should be more informative and concrete than the blurb on the back of the book and should give a sense that the writer has created a story that really works for the intended group of readers. It should also at least hint at how the story finishes - something which the back-cover copy obviously won't do.


If you would like us all to look at your own pitch and help, do go here to see the guidelines. And to see how other pitches were tackled, click the label "Pitch Pitch" on the list to the bottom right of my blog.


For more specific help with crafting the pitch paragraph and a fuller synopsis, there's a useful method in Write a Great Synopsis.


The first intrepid writer is Elizabeth Dunn. She describes her novel as a humourous children's novel for 12+. (In fact, 12+ is teenage, or YA, so that's all she needs to say, though she could say, for example, "a YA novel aiming at younger teenagers.")

ANTHONY WISH HITS PAY DIRT by Elizabeth Dunn  -  12+When Anthony Wish’s father is hit with a lawsuit,  his family’s finances enter previously unchartered disastrousness. Anthony’s yearnings for a Ducksbridge scholarship and a respectable adult life in the professions are clearly destined to squelch in bogland Wrigley Field forever. Disillusioned, Anthony visits his grandmother’s grave and soon after discovers a knack for writing horoscopes that come true. He finds himself at the helm of a cash cow but with the villagers frothing for more and fearful for his good name Anthony makes two final predictions, this time for personal use. Which is not cool with the cosmos because Anthony finds himself, in Venice, in unrequited love and up to his aquaphobic neck in trouble. When his mother runs riot with a rock star and his father disappears Anthony understands Grandma had a message from the grave about true riches. But love and money can go together even in his jinxed family and he’s determined to prove it. 

My comments:

1. "unchartered disastrousness" - actually, you mean "uncharted"! But otherwise, that's a nice phrase to indicate a light and slightly comic tone to the book. 
2. "visits his grandmother’s grave and soon after discovers a knack for writing horoscopes" - visiting the grave isn't given any sense of importance - either make it so or leave it out. And I'd want more than "discovers a knack" because it doesn't seem likely to congruous on its own.
3. "helm of a cash cow" - a) I don't think you can be at the helm of a cow and b) it's far from clear how this is a cash cow anyway - you need to be clearer
4. Not really sure that unrequited love feels apt for this story.
5. I don't like the title - Just ANTHONY WISH could be better? 
6. I love the tone of the pitch but the content feels like a mishmash of many different things and I'm not sure what the core is - and particularly the emotional core, the thing that will make us desperate to read. So, it feels as though you may have managed a complex plot cleverly but failed to describe your story in concrete, focused terms. Does that make sense?

Readers, do, please, comment below. Please be respectful and absolutely constructive. It's pointless to say you don't like something without saying why. Do indicate whether you have any professional or other experience of this type of book, so that Elizabeth knows where you are coming from.

Pitch your pitch - it's back!

Would you like the readers of this blog (and me) to help shape your pitch, that tricky paragraph that goes in the covering letter and hooks you a fabulous agent and/or publisher? Well, we've done that on this blog before and we're going to do it again. Hooray!

Here's what to do:

A. First read some of the previous posts about pitches and hooks. For example, this one and this one.
B. Second, read the post about 25-word pitches here, and at least some of the 117 comments!
C. Then, if you'd like us to help with your pitch, do this:

1. Email your pitch paragraph to me at writingtutor@hotmail.co.uk, in the body of the email, not as an attachment.
2. In the email, tell me whether you want your real name used, and tell me what genre the book is and, if for children, the age range.
3. Make sure that your pitch is as good as you can make it, following these guidelines:

• every word must count
• it needs must-read factor, in keeping with the genre
• it should focus on the main character (if fiction)
• it must be specific and not general - eg not "it's about redemption" but "it's about an angry young man who...because...and then"
• it must indicate how the story ends or at least where the journey is heading
• it should not contain rhetorical questions
• the tone must reflect the tone of the book
• it must be objective and therefore contain no praisey bits. You cannot say "beautifully written", for example. Though you can say "fast-moving".
• your target word count is as close to 160 words as possible
• in essence, your aim is to make someone who would normally read and love this genre be desperate to read this book :)) 

Hook 'em with a pointy hook!

I usually get a lot of people sending pitches in for this so I can't promise to include yours. What I do promise is that I will not set you up for failure, in the sense that I won't put it on the blog if I think you are going to get mostly negative feedback. My blog readers are an incredibly supportive and sensible bunch and feedback has been of high quality but sometimes I feel that a pitch isn't really ready for public scrutiny and then I won't put it up. But if I don't put yours up it might be just that I didn't have space! I also try to vary the genres.

Meanwhile, today I am wearing my red pointy boots at an award ceremony that Wasted is shortlisted for. It's called the RED award and personally I think I should win simply because the cover is red. And so are my boots. What more does anyone want??

PITCH PITCH 5

Two pitches for your perusal today.

First, Josiphine Noire would like our help with her pitch for Captive of the Sea. It is a YA historical novel set during the decline of the Viking age. Josiphine says, "Right now I feel like my pitch is...stale. I can't think of a different word for it. If I saw it on the shelf the chances that I would read it are slim at best."

Readers, can you help?!

Caciana was stolen from her homeland, Spain, when she was too young to even remember it. Now she spends her days mostly forgotten with the sheep in the field, which is why she is the only one who survives when the Vikings come raiding. She tries to convince herself that being a slave in Norway won’t be any different than being a slave in Ireland. But she hadn’t counted on…

…Ivor, the handsome young Viking who spared her life, but doesn’t quite know why.

Each has their own journey. When the journeys undeniably become one, neither expects the outcome, or the lessons learned on the way.

My comments: love the title. Several powerful elements: Vikings, slaves, Spain, raiding. But what happens? The last para is hopelessly vague. There is no room for vagueness in a pitch. How old is Caciana, btw? Is she gorgeous? Is she cruelly treated? Brave? I want a strong image of Caciana. What does the story consist of other than the actual capture, vague love and personal journeys? What is the special element of this story, its hook, the thing that's going to make us think MUST READ? So, Josiphine, I think you're right: it sounds weak, but I think that comes down to the words you've chosen. I'm sure you've got a story full of drama and emotion but you just haven't managed to convey it.

My suggestion: brainstorm some words and phrases that your book consists of or conjures up, everything you can think of. Then identify the 15 most compelling words or images. And weave as many of them as possible into your pitch.


Second, Elpi Pamiadaki sent me this, which she used in a query letter for her Paranormal Romance novella, Queen of Souls. Elpi says, "Queen of Souls is a 25,000 word story and is aimed at the Nocturne Cravings imprint of Harlequin. The writing guidelines request a very sexy and sensual read, so the readership would be young women over 18." 

Hades, the god of the aetherworld, was forced to betray his wife, Persephone, to save his kingdom. Wracked by guilt and misery, and in the guise of Aiden Black, he has waited two thousand years to find her again.

Stripped of all her powers and dragged to the future, Persephone remembers nothing of her past as a powerful goddess and Queen of Souls, nor of the dark stranger to whom she is desperately and mysteriously attracted.

Knowing that only Persephone can save his kingdom, Aiden must re-awaken her powers, not realising that this will begin a chain of events, orchestrated perfectly to destroy them and the aetherworld.

Can Persephone learn to love and to trust again? And can her feelings save Aiden from a plot hatched eons ago of truly Olympian depth and cunning?

My comments:

Elpi, I'm assuming the guidelines also say Harlequin will accept novellas? Leaving that aside, there are some really good elements to this pitch but I feel it tails off. The third and fourth paragraphs are weaker: "not realising that this will begin a chain of events, orchestrated perfectly...". What sort of events, orchestrated by whom? Can you find a phrase that is more specific, more dramatic, more emotional? Also, who is the main character? Are we to sympathise more with P or H? And do we want her to love and trust again when H betrayed her so roundly? Rather than asking whether she can learn to love and trust, tell us what her dilemma is from her pov. We need a couple of neat epithets to give us a sense of who we should identify with and why. Having said that, I think the premise of the first two paragraphs is a great one. It could be the only paranormal romance I'd want to read!

But I'd say it doesn't sound very sexy or sensual - since that's required, can you add it to the pitch?

Now, dear blog readers: over to you. Comment away, constructively, please.

The 25-word hook revisited

My recent post about creating a 25-word hook for your book generated a huge response - 115 comments so far. And, as I said there, I was preparing a talk/workshop on the subject, at Wordstock. That event has now happened and I promised the workshopees that I'd blog again and give everyone another chance to pitch a 25-word hook. And here I am.

Do, please read that post first, but I will recap or re-express here what we're looking for in a mini-pitch like this.

1. WHO? Focus on the main character. Forget the name - we don't care about the name as much as what sort of character it is. Abandoned orphan, vengeful divorcée, insect-collecting stalker - all these are more interesting by a mile than Danny, Susan or John. I'd say only include the name if it's the best and most economical way to do it.
2. WHAT? Focus on the conflict, the drama the goal, the pursuit. Big it up - struggles, battles, fights are all better than decides, wants, resolves.
3. OR WHAT? The stakes - what does the character stand to lose if he fails?

The method I suggested in my workshop was this, but this is only a suggestion:

1. Start with an epithet for your MC: abandoned orphan etc
2. Brainstorm for two minutes, writing down all the things about your book you can think of - themes, events, climaxes, all the words which describe it or what it's about; some must be about your MC and his/her struggle/personality/emotions.
3. Circle the ten most important and compelling words or phrases, of which at least 3 must be about the MC.
4. Circle the 4 most compelling of those ten.

Those four elements plus the epithet are the basis of your 25-word pitch (though of course you can adjust them to fit). You can also use the other six if you want and have room.

Final tip: include wolves. (As we learnt in the previous post, when we realised that Joy hadn't told us about the wolves. Never forget the wolves!) Or, as we discovered in the workshop, hyenas. Wild animals are good. No, seriously: the point is that you need to identify and be aware of the emotional chord-tuggers and emphasise them. Wolves do something to us, as do war, death, magic, dragons, blood, wild moors, abandonment, snakes, the apocalypse and chocolate. Obviously.

Someone asked a very sensible question at the end of the workshop: where would you use this 25-word pitch? Bearing in mind that I've also said that this 25-word thing is an arbitrary (but very adequate and realistic) length, you would use it or a version of it:

1. At the start of the paragraph in your covering letter in which you describe your book.
2. At any point when you're asked to say what your book is about.
3. To store in your heart as you write, so you know what it is that you're doing. It's the core of your book and should be kept at your writer's core: your heart.

Now, would you like to pitch your hook here? Some rules:

1. If you pitched it on the previous post and received helpful comments, please don't pitch it again -we will just be overwhelmed. Well, I will be.
2. If yours was one of the ones I didn't have time to comment on before, DO please pitch it again. I apologise for not getting to you before.
3. If you've never pitched one, please do so!
4. Please comment on each other's - don't leave it all to me.
5. If you use more than 25 words, I will IGNORE you and so should everyone else.
6. Hurry up because tomorrow this blog will be taken over by a competition with prizes of chocolate.

Go hook us!

PITCH PITCH 3

Three brave writers have offered their pitches to you for comment and constructive criticism. What do you think of them? And if you'd like to put your own pitch forward for the same purpose, please see the Over To You page above for details. It's a very, very good way to hone your hook before submitting to agents or publishers!