If it wasn't for you I would never be who I am

Sometimes we met people who leave permanent marks on our life. We may only be with them for a short while but their impact will be felt forever.

Just listening to Honor Society's 'Where Are You Now' while waiting for my colleague. Every time I hear this song, I could not help but think of few people who had significantly touched my life.

Where are you now
Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how
How to live like I do
If it wasn't for you
I would never be who I am

For those people who are unimportant, who accidentally crossed my life and touched it with carelessness, thank you. For those few special people who touched my life with love, your mark are forever engraved in my heart. I may have forgotten what you have done or said, but I will never really forget how you made me feel - respected, appreciated and loved. And I could really say 'If it wasn't for you I would never be who I am.' I know that these people are the bits and pieces that formed the puzzle of my so called 'life' and I would be less if they have not touched me the way they did.

For those people that I have met, I hope that I have touched you in ways that could enriched you. If you felt that I just pass through, I hope that I had never leave you with a feeling of remorse because of a gaping hole that, I may never know, had leave behind. If I did, I could not offer anything but my heartfelt sorry.

I know we'll never see those days again
And things will never be that way again
But that's just how it goes
People change but I know
I won't forget you

So true! Circumstances change. People change. I'd changed without knowing it. And the realization hits me so hard that I grow more melancholy every hour knowing that this change would force me to leave a part of me behind.

Afterglow

82 days before Christmas. Time flies! Why couldn't we keep time from moving on? Why couldn't we just say the command 'freeze' and everything will freeze giving us a chance to linger? But if this is possible, do you think it would take the excitement out of life? I would think so.

There are spur-of-the-moment acts that made us giddy and giggly. Unexpected opportunities that almost made us tumble because the excitement is too unbearable for us. If the moment would be prolonged, don't you think the length of time would be able to sustain it? Excitement cease to exist when spoiled. And one spoiler is you staying in that moment longer when you need is to move on.

If we could freeze out the time, chances are we will all miss the fun and great opportunities the future could bring; we will not get to enjoy the best parts of life. Remember that life is not only about pleasant moments. The one that molds us into who we will become are the events that we usually dread to experience.

There are moments that we so wanted to last but we could not take hold of it. What's left is just an afterglow... but we could bask in it. Despite losing the actual moment, we are lucky enough that we have all been given with special gift - memories, that allow us to recall our pasts with smiles and tears in our eyes.

We could not get hold of everything. But we could at least try to get hold of what we could have. So we better make the most out of it.

Crossroad

My life is moving to a full twist right now. I felt like I'm imprisoned in an empty bottle and I'm seeing the cap twisting to its closing direction. I could not control it, I cannot cling onto the steep sides of the bottle to climb and come out. My love life is in jeopardy, not because of third party but because of me - my desire of finding something. My wedding was supposed to set by end of this year. But due to the unforeseen, it will be postponed to who knows when. I know now is one point in my life when I need the strength to hold on, to be there with him, and not to let go. For a reason I could not fully distinguish, I'm losing it. I'm guilty because I'm no longer fighting. But myself is trying to reason out, I've tried for years of waiting, hoping, pushing and I supposed my patience had reached it's maximum level. I'm tired and I just said "let's just go with the flow and see where will be heading. I'm tired of fighting, of always be on guard to make all of it work. And worst, I can no longer find the joy of doing what I had been doing years before". The other side of me reasons for him "I'm just expecting too much from him and that he's doing all the best he could do to make everything work as planned and it would be unfair for him if I just let go and leave him fighting alone."

My realizations: I wanted to be free and explore other possibilities. But I still want him to stand by for me. I know that unfairness is an understatement, this is selfishness. And I'm crying out for God on this part. I pray that He would give me wisdom to discern his will and guide me to it and have a sense of realization between what's valuable and worthless. That He would let me see the beauty of a person beyond skin-deep.

It is hard when you are at the crossroad and you need to choose to trudge only one path that would involve your future, your wants and dreams in life. If only you could choose both. If only you could just cling on to what have been were and not getting to a part of disarray and confusion. But life doesn't work that way; life is always about learning mistakes of the past and moving forward. Ah! Life is such a beautiful mess of yearnings, appealing options and false possibilities but you need to be fully aware of what you really wanted, and once you've already selected an option, you have to live with it as there would definitely no going back. You could not get to enjoy the best of both world.

Sayonara onee-san

I don't want to make it a habit that every time I have a time to update this blog, I bring in sad stories. Maybe because I'm down and sad, and thoughts keep on pestering me that I need to find a way to discharge it. And writing down is just the easiest it is like applying a balm to my aching heart.

Some says it is hard being the one to leave but it is harder being the one who stays. For me, what's most disturbing is not knowing, even a hint, the reason of someone's decision to just 'pop' and disappear. But the aching part here, is that a person you have learned to love decided to took her life and walk out of everyone's life forever. No more seeing her face, no more hearing her laughter, no more feeling her as you walk hand in hand.

The things that you can do when such tragedy happens is to just hold on to happy memories. The resentment if there might have been, the misunderstanding if it existed all forgotten. Ironic, because when a person is gone that is the only time that one realizes that person's importance, all the good things done will be remembered. Misdoings all forgiven.

Though I don't have any resentment and don't recall any misunderstanding, but the part that I'm guilty about is that I had kept my distance. If I tried a harder, will it be a little different?

To my onee-san, even though I have just known you in a little while, I'd still have my memory of you. You've loved my mother and that was the reason why I looked up to you. To you, sayonara.

And forgive me if I'm questioning you over something I don't have the right to ask and for doubting you. I don't know your dilemma. I don't have any idea of what you've been thru. And for that... gomensai...

Sayonara onee-san :(

Life's uncanny twist

Life is composed of good and bad jokes. Jokes that are real, are happening and are meant to knock you down big time! Jokes that will mold you into who you will become as years go by.

It is the 'bad jokes' really that makes a life all worth living. Unpleasant jokes are the ones that leave marks into our being. When you happen to take a flash back at your earlier life, you would recall those but the recollection will just make you smile and wonder how in the world you were able to surpass those great trials.

I have a friend who happened to have her most unpleasant joke in her entire life so far and it took place yesterday. Her bad fortune yesterday might not be at its highest peak yet but this one really knocked her down. I can relate to her situation because I happened to be in her shoes a month ago when I had dealt with the possibility of my being an instant jobless.

She applied for this global company where all her abilities are put into test: her memory and adeptness, patience, health and her financial conditions as well. But she'd overcome it all except for the one thing that is beyond her control. Once she's in with the company, she will be sent abroad for a required training, for chartered accounting I guess. Thus, passport is one of the most important and a must requirement and she have not applied for one yet.

Passport application here in the Philippine is one of the greatest challenge for every Filipino. If you want to have your application submitted in a day, you'll have to wake up very early and line up your ass at DFA at a wee hour or to be specific, be there as early as 3AM so you could grab a slot. If you're late you'll end up standing at the line's tail 'til your foot sore and if you're not lucky enough, head home without being accommodate because DFA had already filled out their slots for the day.

Being ill, she decided against lining up herself waiting for her slot number to be called. She went to some agency, filed for an expedite passport application, agency promising her to have her passport in no less than 10days, paid 1300.00 or something closer to that amount and wait. The company she'd applied to on the other hand never did falter doing their follow ups of her passport. Now and then she'd received a call, a text, an email, a call again asking the status of her passport application and if there is already a feedback of its release date.

Today, March 8, 2010 is supposedly her first day at her new company. Yesterday, her luck went down. The company called and canceled her employment all because she could not provide her passport's release date. This, I thought, is a total zero consideration though I understand they have every right to turn down her employment. The agency gave no further details on the release date but just keep on assuring her they're working on it.

The release date is just what the company is asking. The agency was not able to provide it. DFA is transferring their office which will affect the processing of passport application. Being assured of the employment since she'd already signed a job offer sheet, she'd submitted her immediate resignation and already served her last day at her previous company last Friday thus making her today an instant jobless.

Wrong move? Or is it just the twist of fate? Conflicts entangled as if, if one conflict is solved, one is simply designed to be there to prevent her from getting the job she had so aspired. It seems like there is unseen reason to it all. Well, being an instant jobless does not mean an end of the world for her but putting up all her strength and hope to this 'job of her dreams' and having to exert all effort that it totally felt like she was fast-flying, broke her wings, somersault into the
air and 'splat!' suddenly hit the floor, helpless. I understood her bawling.

And to think of it all, the job is already an inch-away and she could already have it, its becoming positive that she could feel it and even I already had wish her luck for her new found job. Only the fate intervene as if everything that happened for the past two weeks of her application dilemma were all but a joke. A bad joke. A bad dream. The pleasing feeling of nearly-acquiring it returns a bitterly disappointment.

As we try to alleviate her grief (strong word but the only exact word I could think of to describe her bellowing), we could only think of something: a reason for it is yet to be understood. We'd tried to shift her focus on small positive things that happened like she'd already completed her requirements and applying for another job would mean less effort and time arranging for those papers not to mention she just got a call from a prestigious company considering her application.

We made funny comments just to lighten up the moods and somehow our unhappy chats drifted to a jovial conversation. We jokingly said we could share her our happy meals consisted of noodles, breads and oat meals. Then I told her, 'don't worry time will come that when you look back you'll find humor in this'. Adding up, 'sometimes bad thing leads to a breakthrough, you just never know.

Yes I'd said life is composed of bad and good jokes. But let me stress on this, life itself is not a joke for it is brought into purpose. Yes, the choices we made decide our fate which partially means we are basically in control of the things we would like to achieve. But ironically there is always this divine intervention that however we tried, there are things beyond our control making it impossible to reach that choice we so wanted.

The ten years are over

Once upon a time, when this girl was just 17, she’d outlined a plan of having her dreams achieved within the next ten years. The future ‘ten years’ were comprised of lucid but distant images forming within the confined of her head. A girl with an eagerness to make her life better and with sense, she’d focused her attention to continue her one track journey to a future that is still so unpredictable.

In her mind ran picturesque dreams of what she wanted her life to be. In her dreams, it was very easy to arrange everything according to plan without encountering complications, disputes, consequences of her every actions, troubles, and the antagonists – to whom she will be dealing with later on in her life.

Her pensive thoughts and her passion for life affected her disposition, her control to direct her life according to what she wanted and not to what her immediate kin dictated. Her personality, I may say, is both defined and authoritative – very classical which just made her more sturdy and determined.

One by one and slowly, the leaf of the ‘ten years’ were flipped open. The vivid dreams she had had were painted but on these pages the images were altered and lots of settings were added. The people she’d hope she’d be with were no where in sight. The happenings that she’d never dream of occurring come to pass. At some point, there were mishaps and her messing up of her life. It was never perfect. She took the wrong move. She trudged a wrong turn. She’d reacted to people in a wrong way, misjudged some instead of trusting them and trusted some when she should not have. The life that she intended to be differs from the one she’d drawn in her memory. But in totality, all of it was never frustrating. All of it comes down to a life’s lesson brought by experience in her years.

Sometimes, this girl has this yearning of coming back to that past to re-paint her dreams, alter some and restart again to efface all the unpleasant things that happened and to make right of all her mistakes. But no, this time she knows better. She is now aware of the truth that in reality, everything is far from perfect and each action results to a series of consequences. Consequences that may either be a major break through or a downfall. No matter how she would like to change the past, unpleasant things are always bound to happen. No matter how she wanted to have every thing in place, her decision, outlook in life and attitude will always affect the outcome. Not to mention that she also cherished all the memories of people she’d met unexpectedly and the lessons that came with her every wrong decision.

This post is dedicated for her 27th birthday. The age that she’d hoped all her dreams will be realized. Tomorrow will mark the end of the ‘ten year’ margin she’d set for herself to accomplish her goals. In some way she feels like celebrating because somehow her ten years had been fruitful. On the other hand, she is feeling a lump in her throat whenever a thought struck that the ten years had already ended.

... And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It is the life in your years that matters.

Eclipse

This is a long over due post, I should have posted it 6 days ago but because I was in the province for that long weekend, I don't have the access to the internet. For the time being, the internet connection in our place is limited to the new settlers. As you may know, we've just moved in our new house last June 2009. Hopefully by January of next year, we can have the internet connection.

Anyway, have you already witnessed or experienced an astronomical phenomenon called the solar eclipse? I did at the young age of 8 back when we were still living in Leyte. Yes I know the latest solar eclipse just happened recently (July 22, 2009). But I was not aware there was an eclipse happening that time. I remember the first time I had witnessed the solar eclipse. We were at our school. The eclipse was expected at noon, when the sun is at its very highest. I've heard myths that while the earth is partially covered in darkness, lots of evil spirits are roaming around, rejoicing. I've heard elders reminding young ones not to look at the sun directly while the eclipse is happening if we don't want to our sight. To protect our eyes, we were advised to use sunglasses or an x-ray film. Our teacher then, Sir Gaddi (*may his soul rest in peace*), put a large basin half-filled with clean water in the middle of the school's playground. The water mirrored the heavenly phenomenal that produces the excited yells of every innocent students. He shouted to every student who dare move the basin or stir the water or unintentionally covered everyone's view because it spoiled the moment of witnessing the rare 'moon covering the sun' event. It is somewhat fantastic to watch. When the full solar covering happened, the light coming from the sun rays had dimmed. It was mid-day but it feels like a very late afternoon. Later did I know that some part of the Philippines (like in Pampanga) had experienced a total darkness.

Eclipse is a natural phenomenon which produces darkness in areas where the sun rays are covered by the moon's umbra. It lasts in a matter of minutes and seconds. It's not permanent and I could not help but compare it to what we are experiencing in our lives. We have our own several eclipses - those are the episodes in our life when feel lost and dispirited because of overwhelming difficulties, issues and uncontrollable circumstances that confront us in our day to day lives. But just like the eclipse, it is not lasting. When there is darkness, there is light. For every problem, there is a solution. It's only a matter of perspective: either you choose to be responsible to do something with the problem or you just ignore it and be confronted with a much bigger problem later.

Problem is a part of the natural cycle in our life. Do not expect that the problem you resolved today is the last problem you will be facing in the your entire life. What you can do? Two things: Prepare and Pray.

Prepare

1. yourself to be strong

2. for things that can eventually help you (like savings, most of the life problems can be resolved financially)

3. spiritually and

PRAY for God's guidance and help to strengthen you in your course.

For a little perspective, I would like to leave you this inspirational quote from Mary Kay Ash:

For every failure, there's an alternative course of action. You just have to find it. When you come to a roadblock, take a detour.

Think and think well

How do you look at life?

Do you see a solution in every challenge or a problem in every circumstance?

Are you hopeful? Do you always see the glass half-full? Or are you seeing it half-empty?

Are you sad because there are thorns in the roses or are you rejoicing because roses have thorns?

The questions above may not have a direct relation to my post below but whatever answers, yours and mine, to these questions are just to prove people have different perspective in life.

Each have their own way of seeing every circumstances, of percieving every single things, of regarding situations and topics. The appearance of things to one person is not the same appearance as viewed by another. All of these affects our judgment.

It is not evitable having few heated arguments arising from every topic - with sense or senseless. People are prone to be subjective in judgment.

Subjective judgment. Rearranging prejudices based on the individual's emotional view and preconceived ideas.

I don't usually give my two-cents and I don't usually contest my side of the argument but when I do, it's done impulsively. People tend to blurt and I'm one of those, the worst sometimes, it is in a wrong tone. And when I do, I could just mumble to myself, "Oh girl I wish you'd just shut up!"

But whatever I think is my standing. I could not force someone to believe in what I believe just as someone could not force me to do the same. However, I always have a space in my mind for the consideration, weighing the pros and cons of someone's argument.

This is my rule of thumb: Think before you say it. But when you do say it and it's too late to hold back the words, think again before you get yourself fuming over the retaliations you've received.

This applies to me and I'm getting myself working on it. And I think this applies to everyone too.

There are many plans in man's heart but only God's plan will prevail

I have always been passionate about life. This was how I was raised: to embrace the life I was given and make the most out of it. By high school, all my plans were laid out. I pretty much know what I want to accomplish. The plan was just simple, I thought: continue my studies to college, get a degree, graduate with flying colors, work corporate, buy a house and lot, help my parents send my siblings to school, marry at age 27, and don't be a nagging wife (lol).


Continuing college

How I finished my schooling is a very long story. I stopped for a year after graduating high school. For financial reason my parents could not send me to college. I'd took a chance here in Manila, I ended up staying at my half-sister in Pampanga. I didn't have the advantage of choosing a degree course so I ended up taking 2-yr diploma in computer related course. I worked hard. I landed several small paying jobs while studying: grocery cashier, assistant in an office insurance, jollibee crew. In two year time, I graduated. I never got the degree I was planning to have (one down from my plan) but I graduated with an award.


Going corporate

I was still in my first year college when I decided to apply for an office position in Cybercity Clark. I haven't heard any feedback from my application until after a year they offered me an encoder position for a project based which will only last for three months. I was still a Jollibee crew then and two months away from receiving my diploma. I submitted my resignation letter and right away signed the contract. Never did I know that this will mark the very first step of my ladder to working corporate.


The challenge

After two months that I was working, my family (residing in Leyte by then) decided to join me and live in Pampanga for good. To add to my difficulties, the project I was working on was terminated. It was like the burden of the world was placed upon my shoulder. No work. No savings. Mouths to feed. Responsibilities. For a moment, I wanted to just *puff* and be gone. But life was not design that way. I knew I have to go on striving to live and never to lose hope. I was fervently praying to God to help me find a job - a better job. I applied for different companies in Clark, I did not mind working in a factory anymore. I gave up my dream of working corporate. I was accepted as a Quality Control in Luen Thai. With a pending medical examination, I was good to start with my new work. It was a twist of fate, my half-sister passed me the job application she was hesitant to have. I went for it and I was instanty considered for the position. I didn't have the background or the experience of working on softwares but they considered my experience in Cyber City as a good credential. Who would thought that my two-month involvement as encoder in a well-established company wil be my edge in landing the position? And who would thought that this will be the turning point of my career? Guess, only God knows the plan.


Continuing the journey

After three years, I decided to move forward. I sought for changes, improvements and of course challenges. I prayed and what I seek I have found. Answered to my prayers were expressly delivered. And here I found myself the job I so wanted in a busy city of Makati.

But then again, only God knows what will happen next. He gave me something big because He knows the size of problem that will soon greet me. Financial problem? I wanted to help my parents send my siblings to school? That's why He gave me a high paying job! I think, His plan was already there before I laid out mine.

I may not achieved the things I want to have the way I planned it to have. But I'm grateful that God gave me things I need. Following my lists, only one thing is left. Or rather I could say two things: getting married and the enivetable (lol) - don't be a nagging wife. And these two I'm sure are not due to happen soon or let me say again, it depends on the great architecture of my life.

You might wonder what happend to my other plan: buy a house and lot?

As I mentioned earlier, I have achieved things but not the way I want it. My boyfriend and I decided to buy a house and lot as an investment. I may say, we're thinking of future. You see? I have it but it's shared :)

It is very true that we have so many plans at heart but all those plans will never happen if it's not according to God's purpose.

"There are many plans in a man's heart, but Yahweh's counsel will prevail."

With this post, I would like to thank my ate, Ate Amy who had help me financially during my college days. Your kindness dwells in my heart's memory.

And to Suzette. For the love of my first and number one avid reader and supporter, I took the time to add more details and to further improve this post. Thanks for your honest feedback and support dude, really appreciate it :)

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• Thank God I am still Alive
  

22 Things to Keep (by Dero Pedero)

I would like to share an article of Dero Pedero which I happened to read yesterday night from an old 'The Philippine Star' newspaper. I hope that you get the same insight I got upon reading each line.

You are what you eat, and what you don't eat. Similarly, life depends on what you kee and what you don't keep. There are many things in life that people may keep but only a few are truly worth keeping. Here is a list of what to keep and how to keep yourself for a brighter, happier and more fulfilling life.

22 Things to Keep

Keep calm. Life can be unnerving and if you don't make an effort to keep collected and focused, you could easily lose your cool. Take regular, conscious deep breaths to calm and center yourself.

Keep your chin up. Not only is it good for your posture and diminishes your double chin, it also helps you maintain an "I can handle it" attitude. By keeping your chin up, you can keep your head above water.

Keep your word. The true measure of a man is if he keeps his word. Honorable and trustworthy is the man who stands by what he says and promises. It is important the think well before speaking because once a word is uttered and releaased into the universe, tits vibrations could no longer be erased.

Keep in time with your inner drummer. Don't be swayed by others into following the confusing beat of their drums. Although it s sometimes necessary to adjust to the pace of others, it is best to keep in step with your persona rythm and dance to your own music.

Keep in touch with the child in you. The source of creativity in your life is that little child within you. He questions, he marvels, he imagines and invents. Stay in touch with him, and be young and creative for life!

Keep abreast with times. The world is moving so fast. Know what's happening, waht's in style, what's au courant, what's relevant, what's important. Learn the hottest trends and the latest technology. Don't be caught in a time warp or you'll be left behind.

Keep in shape. Your body shape shows your state of health. Your body is the vessel that you journey through life in. Keep it healthy and strong. Don't be one of those people who sya, "I'm in shape; round is a shape!"

Keep your mouth shut. People talk too much. We language ourselves to our own destruction and defeat. Know when to talk and when to shut up. Avoid being verbose. Oftentimes, silence speaks more eloquently that words.

Keep good friends. Good friends are hard to find. Nurture friendships that make your plight through life easier, more meaningful and wonderful. Truly poor is the man who has no good friends.

Keep great memories, not heavy objects. In the very end, good memories of life are what we will be left with, not jewels and riches that we couldn't bring when we finally go. Live each moment beautifully. Linked together, these magical moments create a magnificient life.

Keep a diary. Writing a journal is therapeutic. Record the important events in your life, your dreams and aspirations, even your failures and disappointments. When you trace back events in your life, you are bound to learn lessons from them as well as find great inspiration and strength.

Keep saying grace and thanks. Blessed is he who says grace before he eats and gives thanks for all the gifts he recieves daily. Maintain a thankful attitude and focus on your blessings instead of dissapointments.

Keep on moving forward. The universe moves forward in time. Don't get stuck in the past; make an effort to move ahead to a better life. Drop those unnecessary pices of material and emotional baggage that weigh you down and keep you from flying to your loftiest dreams.

Keep out of danger. He who exposes himself to danger finds it. Don't court danger; avoid it. As they say, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Look out for number one (that's you!), and always stay safe and sound.

Keep up the good work. Success is built upon success. The more you do, the more you achieve; the more you achieve, the better you get at doing it. Make success a habit by keeping up the good work.

Keep young. Do everything in your power to stay strong, supple and youthful. Think young; feel young. A wise man once said "It is never too late to be what you might have been." Remember that age is a number and that youth is an attitude.

Keep on dancing. Life is dance through space and time. Embellish whatever music life plays for you with your own fresh orchestration and creative choreography. Be excited in your heart and keep your feet light with happiness.

Keep on loving. Love is the reason we were created. Love diminishes when hoarded but multiplies when shared. Give it and feel it overflow in your heart. Love cures all sadness, pain and sorrow. Lonely is he who does not give love away and therefore gets none in return.

Keep on dreaming. Most men, even if they are young, are dead, that is, if they could no longer dream. Our dreams are what keeps us young and alive; they give us that sparkle in our eyes. Our dreams keep us going even while everything around us says, "Stop."

Keep on hoping. Never lose hope. Tomorrow will be another day that will bring new hope and greater blessings. Keep faith in the abundance of the universe and the mystery and perfection of life. Hope for nothing but the best and that's what you will be granted.

Keep on believing. Belief is the mother of reality. What you believe becomes your truth. Believe in yourself, believe in the magic of the universe, believe in the power of your dreams. And most of all, believe you can do it, so you can have all your heart's desires!

These you must not keep

Don't keep up with Joneses. Just because your neighbor bought a red Ferrari, you, too, must get one. Don't joine the bandwagon and keep away from being one with the herd. Too mcuh unhappiness in this world is caused by comparisons, comparing yourself and trying to measure up the other eople. There is really no need to give up other expectations if it could just bring you inconvenient and misery.

Don't keep issues and grudges. The reason most of us stay miserable is because we kee issues, grudges, and problems. Detox yourself of complaints and issues that keep you from being the best that you could be. Try to solve all problems that beset you; never leave anything unresolved. The questions and puzzles of life are what make it changing and exciting.

Don't keep painful experiences. Life is not a bed of roses so you must learn to let go of negative feelings and memories of painful experiences. It's hard to go on living with a heavy heart. Pardon, forgive, forget if you can, and move on.

You may also like this: 50 Things to Live By (by Maui V. Reyes)

Thoughts and actions intertwined

Watch your thought, for they become words.

Watch your words for they become actions

Understand your actions for they become habits

Study your habits for they become your character

Develop your character for it will become your destiny

Who? Me?

Just some few things about me which I would like to write:

1. The beauty of nature makes me smile.

2. I live for simplicity. I don't like complications.

3. If I could live and choose for different life style, I would choose to live in a country side, maybe own a small farm or a wide ranch. Be a cowgirl (or maybe marry a cowboy!).

4. I want to go to Texas. This wild, untamed place holds a lure to me. I want to enjoy its summer heat. I want to run on its seemingly endless plains and pastures.

5. I want to see a palace, not live on it.

6. I love cats and dogs and I want to own one of each and train them to play with each other.

7. I don't like cockroach but I hate killing them. As much as I really like to kill them but there's a creeping feeling of something whenever I stomped on them.

9. I would love to be the one doing the wedding proposal (only that I don't want to take my bf's privilege of doing that)

10. Since I started blogging, I am looking forward to earning a badge, a friendly award or any award that I could blog about.

My sister's coming of age

I always considered that celebrating the coming of age is always special; should be exceptional. This is the time when a girl is officially considered a woman, not in experience, but in age. This is the official stage when a girl is no longer a child, can no longer be treated as a child.

8 years ago. I was the same vibrant, cheerful youth as my sister is. I was very excited to get a little bit older than 17. I thought that if I gain age, my whole world (the world of a 17 year old consisted of her family, friends and classmates, childhood sweetheart, foes, etc) will start to look upon me differently. And true to what I thought, my world started to change but not the way I want it to be. I was expecting that my family will give me a little bit more freedom than I usually enjoy; that my mother who is very strict (then) will finally allow me to entertain suitors, go on a date and have a boyfriend; that I could go home beyond 10p.m. without my mother raging because I'm late; that since I am officially an adult I could have my own decisions with whatever I want to do with my life; and most of all, they will stop treating me as a child and the usual pinching, occasional slapping and berating from my mother will cease. I was all wrong!

What changed? Lots of things changed. I had a curfew, I am not allowed to go out with 'barkada', I am not allowed to laugh out loud or giggle outside, in the middle of the street or whenever boys are around. Boring? Yes, but this is the life I was and still accustomed to. My younger life was spent on home cleaning, tending to my younger siblings, listening to music whole day, attending mass every Sunday, writing my journal to spill out everything, which is supposedly a secret. I told you, if you want to keep something from your family, never write it down on a diary. And studying... Despite all those strictness I don't have any resentment towards my mother because I know that with her disciplining method I've been molded to a better person that I am now.

My youngest sister had just celebrated her debut. She was the baby I look after whenever my mother was tending to other important family stuff. She was the cute girl crying whenever soap bubbles entered her eyes when I was giving her a bath. She was the small kid I was defending every time her playmates bullied her. She was the same little girl I hugged whenever she was scolded. She was my living barbie doll. I used to bring her to school and I stood, a very proud 'ate' whenever my classmates swarmed around her because she was a very sweet and adorable child. I smiled, ear to ear whenever my teacher said "ang cute naman ng sister mo" (your sister is so adorable). She was the baby of the family. Time passes by so fast that the once our baby is now all grown up, charming and beautiful. But she is still vulnerable.

Now I understand why my mother did not give me the freedom I was longing to have because of the same reason I am feeling right now towards my sister's turning point to adult life. I am afraid. I am afraid that she might do a wrong decision that would implicate her whole life. I am frightened because now, she will be more expose to harsh realities of life. And the very thing I am afraid of is seeing her fall in love with a wrong guy. I am afraid that I can no longer protect her and snatch her away from any troubles, failures and sadness she might encounter now that she has to emerge out of her comfort zone.

At her age, she already got so many suitors. And Lord knows how many fling relationship did she already have that were unknown to our mother. Once I asked about her recent 27-year old suitor. "Do you like him?" What I got was just a shrug of her shoulders combined with the words "ewan ko" (I don't know).

She could have directly said yes if she likes the guy or a simple no if not. But based on her reaction, she indirectly spelled out that she likes the guy. Plus, I can see that she is enjoying it. Being a protective sister that I am, I could not help but hope and pray she knows her boundaries and limitations and be strong enough to resists any temptations. I've been there, I've seen the curiosity in my young friends before and I know how younger people behave towards something they'd been longing to discover. I know that she too will feel it but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she will use her head to think first before doing something she will regret for the rest of her life.

I know that each of us have our own time, our own way to discover things and our own intellect to approach things as they are. I could not tie her down and control her every decision. Trusting her and letting her discover things on her own will is also giving her every chance to know herself, to grow into a matured person, and to equip her with lessons that can only be learned from experience. There is something I can offer though, that is giving her valuable advice, guide her and be always there for her whenever she's down. She is no longer the child I used to defend. Even if she still is considered the baby of the family, I need to give her the freedom to fight her own battle. And the best advice that I could give is for her to take life one step at a time, never to hurry and savor every moment of it because she'll gonna miss this when she'd gain age.

As the song goes:

You're gonna miss this

You're gonna want this back

You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast

These are some good times

So take a good look around

You may not know it now

But you're gonna miss this...

God bless her.

50 things to live by (by Maui V. Reyes)

I've been going the ups and downs of life's bumpy ride and still got a little understanding of the true essence of life. When I happen to stumble upon few lines of quotes about life in general, that helps me understand a little about myself.

I've read some qoutable lines in an old article of Philippine Daily Inquirer and can't help but re-post it here. The ones in bold are the ones I like the most and of course those are the ones I can relate to.

LIFE

1. With regards to problems, always remember that when it rains, it pours. And sometimes, there can be even hailstorm -- even in the Philippines.

2. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Is it worth all the worrying?

3. There are no shortcuts to any place worth going to.

4. No matter where you go, there will always be bad drivers.

5. If someone compliments you, smile and accept it. Take a moment to remember all the people who helped make you worthy of the compliment.

6. Stop "sleeping on it [problems]." If it were a real problem, you wouldn't be able to sleep anyway.

7. The only permanent thing in life is change. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be happy.

8. Stop worrying about "what-ifs." Things will happen if they're meant to happen.

9. Sunscreen was invented for a reasons.

10. Remember that it takes both rain and sunshine to make rainbows.

11. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world suddenly remembers it has to be somewhere else.

12. Beer doesn't have the answer to problems. It only puts worries on hold.

13. You can't make people like you, and you can't please everyone.

14. Tequila is evil. It will always be evil, so don't expect that it will go easy on you next time.

15. Practice makes perfect, even if sometimes you hit several cars along the way.

16. The opposite of "love" is not "hate," but "not give a damn."

17. Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach -- and flunk those who can.

18. You can cry over spilled milk. Just be sure to clean up afterward.

CAREER

19. If at first you do succeed, try not to act surprised.

20. Always be friendly to the people you meet on your way to the top. You are going to meet them on your way down.

21. To make your dreams come true, you have to wake up first.

22. You are never a failure unless you blame someone else.

23. There are a lot of things taught in school that you think you won't need. And indeed, most of them, you really don't need.

24. The teacher you hate the most gives you the worst grades, doesn't credit you for your efforts, and can't be bought. He goes by the name "Experience."

RELATIONSHIP

25. Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.

26. There is a big difference between "like" and "love." Learn which is which.

27. Only you can really hear your heart breaking and your real friends are the one who hear its echo.

28. If you don't have anything nice to say about your neighbor, it's best to shut up, keep things to yourself, and walk away. Why destroy a person's image when you yourself have to work on yours?

29. Sometimes, it's best to keep your feelings to yourself.

30. Cry him/her a river. Then build a bridge and walk over it. You may have to repeat the "procedure" a couple of times before you can stop building bridges.

31. When someone says he/she likes you, he/she just might really mean it.

32. True friends will make fun of what you do but support you all the way. Acquaintances will praise your work, and then not give a damn.

33. It's no use hanging on to a relationship that is only in your head. Wake up and make it happen.

34. A true friend won't jump off a cliff with you. He'll be at the bottom to catch you.

35. If he can't see what an awesome and amazing person you are, move on... while secretly wishing that one day he will.

FAMILY

36. Parents give their children two things: roots and wings. Children give their parents two things: screaming fits and migraines.

37. Remember that someday, you, too, will be getting screaming fits and migraines. So try to reduce what you give your parents.

38. Always remember that your mom had one foot in the grave to bring you to this world. And your father had to bear with her mood swings for nine months.

39. Family isn't just about being related. It's about actually being there for each other through thick and thin.

40. If you want to keep something from your family, don't write it down in your diary. (definitely not write it down)

41. The perfect, normal family is the one that is dysfunctional with many skeletons in the closet.

42. If your mother tells you to brush your teeth before going to bed or your teeth will rot, she's telling the truth.

SELF

43. It's okay to cry and bawl your eyes out once in awhile.

44. Always have some alone time. Watch a movie by yourself, have a drink in a cafe or go shopping.

45. People have their own quirks. But unless they involve public nudity and self-mutilation, don't try to change them.

46. You don't have to wait until New Year's day to make a resolution.

47. Love and respect yourself. If you can't, how will others love and respect you?

48. There is no such thing as a "perfect" body. If there is, then Barbie dolls would have come in different shapes and sizes.

49. Forgive yourself for torturing yourself.

50. You are an awesome person. Don't change for anyone.