Federal Rules for Making a New Years Resolution

Nothing says 'individual effort' like Uncle Sam.
via American Digest

Peter Orszag: 'Obama Pledged Not to Raze Texas'

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Peter Orszag challenged the hearing of reporters, claiming President Obama never said a word about taxes during his 2008 campaign, instead referring to the state of Texas. "Candidate Obama was quelling an Internet rumor," said Orszag, White House Budget Director. "There was talk that, if elected, Obama would raze Texas in retaliation for the policies of George W. Bush. This would be a very costly and expensive action that might have burdened those making under $250,000 a year. To squash that rumor, the President firmly pledged not to raze Texas. Check out the You Tube campaign tapes, then go see an ear doctor. Nothing could be clearer."

FCC Reclassifies Broadband as Telegraph Lines

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Federal Communications Chairman Julius Genachowski has reclassifed broadband providers as telegraph lines in a bid to regulate the world wide web and save it from Indian attack. "My goal is to protect consumers by making it more difficult for Indians to cut the Internet, or 'singing wire' as they call it, and deprive school children of access to Wikipedia." In a far reaching bid, Genachowski hopes to provide universal access to the web. "My model is government intervention in housing sales. Hopefully, I can leave the Internet in the same shape as the sub-prime market." In the future, the FCC intends to also regulate semaphore and anyone rapping out 'shave-and-a-haircut-two-bits.'

FDA Blames NY Bombing on Excess Salt

NEW YORK CITY, NY - An official with the Food and Drug Administration blamed high levels of sodium for Faisel Shahzad's attempted car bombing in Times Square. "We know salt-heavy diets threaten millions of Americans," said FDA spokesman Walt Meter. "Thus its entirely possible Shahzad, crazed by thirst from excessive salt, planted his bomb in a sodium-frenzy." Meter dismissed reports questioning sodium-intake health risks as "fiction put out by Big Salt." Meter felt blaming Shahzad's actions on Islamic jihad was "simplistic and fodder for racists," instead focusing on the need for the FDA to regulate the 600 billion dollar food and beverage market. "Do you really want to see children start the day with cracked lips because cereal manufacturers placed too much salt in their raisin bran? Do you want to see kids grow up addicted to the salt licks that will appear on every street lamp in this country if we do nothing now?" Meter called for the immediate banning of the Morton Salt Umbrella Girl, referring to the iconic image as "Joe Camel in drag."

Obama: 'More Porn' Key to Financial Regulation

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Citing a report on porn addiction by SEC employees, the President called for 'unfettered access' to internet pornography sites as the key to financial regulation. In a speech to a maritime college not far from Wall Street, President Obama stated Security and Exchange Commission regulators were forced to spend so much time bypassing porn filters on work computers they couldn't catch Bernie Madoff or stop economic meltdown. "'For want of a nail, the shoe was lost,'"said Obama. "By hindering our first-line of financial defense from easy access to bigbrazilianjugs.com we denied them a simple pleasure, forcing them to work around, instead of with, the system." The President proposed giving the SEC larger, faster computers, more Flash drives, and office doors with deadbolts. "These tools will allow our regulatory sheriffs to relax, regroup then catch those who think the system exists for their own selfish benefit."

Task Force Adds Congress to Childhood Obesity Initiative

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A task force set up to facilitate Michelle Obama's Childhood Obesity Initiative has expanded to include members of Congress. Said Parker Ney, spokesman for the 'Let's Move' campaign: "We realized our plan had forgotten the pudgiest toddlers on the planet - members of the House and Senate." The First Lady was not pleased with the inclusion of Congress but the task force persisted. Explained Ney, "They [Congress] are so very porcine. At the same time, its difficult to think of them as adults." Citing a fattening diet of pork and special sweets snatched from the palms of lobbyist friends, Ney hoped to reduce the congressmen within two election cycles through actions such as vigorous exercise incorporating long walks away from public office. "It'll be tough. Some haven't had their great, fleshy heads out of the federal trough in decades. But with the public's help plus counseling, support and a newsletter, we can watch our Congress go from Michelin-obese to a smaller size. Maybe just big and fat."

SEIU Assumes Control of NASA

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a major reshuffling of the space program, the Service Employees International Union has assumed management and direction of NASA. "Space industry employees will finally get meaningful work," said union spokesman Dominic Manchili. Along with canceling the booster-rocket Constellation program, unionizing is just another piece of President Obama's space exploration vision known as, 'All Slow Ahead' "It's about the proper use of people," said Manchili. "You got a lot of physicists and scientists wasting their time looking up at the sky when they could be working phone banks for Democratic candidates." Manchili says SEIU hopes to re-orientate NASA toward a community activist model by the 2010 midterm elections. "These space people need to be paying union dues, registering voters and smacking teabaggers over the head with pipes. After November, they can call in sick for all of 2011. Now that's a future worth fighting for."

Farmville Gold Coins Rescue Social Security

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Spending more than it takes in, the Social Security Administration was heartened by a Congressional Budget Office report showing the administration could be solvent this year if all future payments are made in Farmville gold coins. "We asked the CBO what would happen if all the gold coins in Farmville could be taxed per player transaction," said social security spokesman Harold Munchen. "Then what would happen if the administration issued checks redeemable in these coins. The CBO, I'm delighted to say, replied that under those conditions Social Security would be solvent by the fourth quarter of 2010 and running a surplus." When pointed out that Farmville coins are a cyber currency good only for purchasing cyber objects on an Internet game, Munchen grew defense. "Look, I didn't make up these figures. They're from the non-partisan CBO. But if people are worried, they can visit our website, use a credit card, and purchase their own disability or retirement benefits on a monthly basis. In turn, we'll send them a check they can spend anywhere and not just on Facebook." Munchen went on to say this latter method is preferred by the government since it avoids the need to print more money or borrow it from the Chinese. "If you can afford to buy monthly benefits, then be a good American and do so. But everyone will be eligible for a Farmville-backed check. That's why the U.S. will never end up like Greece. We're too smart."

Graft Upgrade for Windy City

CHICAGO, IL - Mayor Daley rues outdated corruption distribution system courtesy of The Onion.

New Moth Found in Vice-President's Head

BALTIMORE, MD - John Hopkins University entomologist Greg Eddy announced that a Banded Tussock Moth had been discovered inside Joe Biden's head. According to Eddy, he received a copy of the vice-president's weekly brain MRI and spotted the insect nesting in pile of decayed vegetation. "Haven't seen that one before," said Eddy. "But the yellowish-orange coloration made it stand out among the other moths." Normally ranging from Canada to Texas, the moth may have entered Biden's head during a speaking tour. According to Eddy, "The adult Tussock Moth is attracted to decaying leaves that have alkaloids. Moths regurgitate on the plants, then drink the fluids to acquire defensive chemicals." File footage shows Joe Biden engaged in similar behavior at outdoor press conferences.

Furious President Learns He is Exempt From Obamacare

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Having just signed into law a massive new healthcare bill, President Obama was stunned to learn he is exempt from its provisions. "You've gotta be kidding me," cried the President in shock and outrage. "Let me be perfectly clear, this is a terrible outrage." Thousands of congressional staffers are also exempt, despite having worked on and written the bill. "It's so unfair," stated Kari Beedle, a house staffer. "I wish I knew how this happened. We sweated to pass wondrous, caring legislation and now we're stuck with some lousy old health care that gives us choices." The President was firm. "Congress must act to close the loophole denying myself and thousands of others in government this symbol of change. But they must not be hasty. I say to congress, 'Take your time, do it right.' I'll wait. Let me know in a couple of years. My family and I will get by somehow."

Public Housing Chosen as Healthcare Template

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Basking in victory, triumphant Democrats have vowed that the new American healthcare system will rival the glory of urban renewal public housing. "Think of medicine; now think of Chicago's Robert Taylor Homes," said Darrin Foaf, spokesperson for the Health and Human Services Department. "The same planning and foresight that went into creating thoughtful, esthetically-pleasing, safe public dwellings will now be trained on health care." Foaf believes Americans will be pleased with their new government-run program. "Remember the quiet peace and contentment that surrounded public housing? That was no accident. Caring, forward-thinking government workers built it into the system." Foaf dismissed any concerns over bureacratic ineptitude. "People just need to relax. Whatever happened to the Robert Taylor Homes will happen to American medicine. Health and Human Services guarantees it."

Face of Moon New Model for U.S. Economy

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With the passage of healthcare and its many new entitlements, experts believe the U.S. economy will most closely resemble the lunar surface within five years. Said University of Chicago economist Lisa Chin, "Already weak, the economy faces numerous new fees, taxes and mandates which will leach out vitality and render markets similar to our celestial neighbor: rocky, airless, cratered, with half in total darkness." However, the comparison is not 100 percent. Chin posits that since non-resident aliens are exempt from healthcare taxes, many will arrive in the U.S. for a service American citizens will subsidize. "Think of a dry, dusty place but very crowded, with beings from far away galaxies showing up for 'free' healthcare administered by over 500 new bureaucracies, 50,000 new bureaucrats with 16,000 of those working for the IRS. In such a place, economic hustle will be like frozen water at the bottom of a deep crater - something desirable, but impossibly expensive. However, new growth industries may emerge. Examples might include selling 'Procedure Denied' rubber stamps, and teaching Spanish. Psychologically, Chin felt it important that Americans not remember their old economy. "Pretend it was always just like the moon. That may be best." (Photo: Wickipedia)

Stupak Reclassified as Invertebrate

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Biologists have downgraded former anti-abortion congressman Bart Stupak from the Chordate subphylum Vertebrata, or creatures with backbones, to invertebrate status. Stupak once opposed the health care bill because it funded abortions, but switched to 'yes' in exchange for an executive order exploring the abortion issue and written on good bond paper. Said Dr. Sonia Riley of Scripps Institute: "By trading his vote for a legally meaningless eo [executive order], Mr. Stupak chose to jettison his spine. Scientifically, we must now classify him somewhere between comb jellies and the sea sponge." House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has promised Stupak a salt-water tank for the remainder of the congressional session where the Michigan democrat may float like a starfish, feasting on algae. "His life span is much shorter now," added Riley. "As an organless ball of jelly, he'll need flowing water in order to operate his excretory system." A spokesperson for Speaker Pelosi stated there were no plans to add anything more to Stupak's tank. "He should've taken an aquarium pump over an executive order. At least a pump does something."

Pelosi Offers Pork to St. Joseph

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After using St. Joseph's name in an attempt to sway Catholics toward the healthcare bill, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi offered the saint a high-paying position in the Department of Labor. A Pelosi spokesperson, Laura Shapen, denied this was a bribe. "Hiring St. Joseph has been on the table for some time." Pelosi stated the saint would probably support the bill which, among other things, requires Catholics to pay for abortions. Ms Shapen saw no contradiction in the Speaker's remarks. "Speaker Pelosi is a devout Catholic and something of an authority on church teaching. And when she says that St. Joseph is the patron saint of workers who like to see babies dead, and is often pictured standing atop a mound of aborted children because that's what working families want, we should take her word."

FarmVille Acquires Agricultural Subsidies

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Popular Facebook simulation game FarmVille has added federal farm subsidies, driving smaller plots into bankruptcy and favoring large agribusinesses. "We've tried to model our sim after USDA programs," said Albie Peck of Zynga, creators of FarmVille. "With that in mind, handouts are available to growers of wheat, cotton, corn, rice and Teddy Bears. Largess is also dished out to farmers who join Facebook's Conservation Reserve Program. By allowing your plots to go fallow, you receive a subsidy in farm dollars while driving up the price of your neighbors crops." Bigger is better in the new FarmVille, adds Peck. Players may pursue the traditional path of acquiring more neighbors, experience points, and gifts in order to purchase additional land or else donate real money to the FarmVille Growers Association. FGA members are automatically elevated to agribusiness level, enrolled in a political action committee, and given farm dollar subsides which lower prices, encouraging bucolic avatars to plant even more crops, driving down the price and increasing subsidies. In addition, Peck encouraged gamers to divide their plots into shell farms incorporated under the names of their children and apply for individual subsidies. "Like the USDA, we don't really check," says Peck. "And if we did, we wouldn't find anything wrong." Peck states Zynga is considering subsidizing herds of elephants. "There's been push back within the company. Some people are afraid we'll turn subsidies into a joke."

Post Office Cutting Back On Saturday Delivery, Drinking, Theft, Shoot Outs

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Having lost 3.8 billion dollars last year, the Post Office will consider ending Saturday deliveries, as well as asking employees to stop drinking on the clock, stealing packages, and shooting fellow workers and patrons in blind rages. According to Postmaster General John Potter, "These are common sense decisions that will help save money and improve service, especially the whole 'not-shooting anyone' part." Potter must obtain congressional approval to end Saturday service, while the other requests are directed toward employees. "They don't really listen to me," said Potter. "I can only ask them not to finish their route early and hang out in a bar, or swipe cool stuff from the parcel post bin, or spit lead because they got written up for cutting across lawns. Maybe we could hire a lot of pretty girls to deliver the mail and work as clerks. I'd like that. Write me c/0 the Postmaster General, Washington, D.C. if you think that's a good idea."

Biden Rescued From Animal Cage

TAMPA, FL - While promoting the Stimulus Package at the Tampa Zoo, Vice-President Joe Biden climbed a fence, leaped a moat, and waded through chest-deep water to reach Monkey Island. "Hey, how are ya?" called the vice-president, attempting to shake hands with frightened gibbons and langur monkeys. Secret Service and zoo personal eventually coaxed Biden out of the enclosure with candy and the promise of a train ride. "He's very excited about the Stimulus Package anniversary," said one of the the vice-president's handlers. "Maybe he got a little stimulated. I don't know. This job's a lot harder than I thought. I may quit and become a White House tour guide."

IRS To Tax Multiple Personalities

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A federal judge has ruled the IRS possesses statutory authority to tax any additional personalities living within schizophrenics or people diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. "Finally, these mental freeloaders will pay their fair share," said IRS spokesperson Adrian Philomon. "We hope to work closely with psychiatrists and mental health facilities to ferret out these cheaters who are burdening their fellow Americans through non-compliance." Philomon citred an example. "Suppose a man named Miller had multiple personalities named Zarkone the Terrible, Mrs. Lampley, and Little Billy Hodge. Miller would be required to list Zarkone and Mrs Lampley as either co-workers, or principle wage earners, if they were the dominant personality in the workplace. A minor such as Little Billy Hodge must be listed as a dependent, but could also be claimed as a deduction. We're not heartless." Philomon stated that cases involving demonic possession were slightly different. "If the possessed is not delivered prior to April 15, and no extension is filed by the priest, minister or rabbi, then the demonic entities would be liable to file income tax. The important thing is that everyone pay their fair share, except Treasury Secretary Geithner. He can use Turbo Tax...or not."

Biden Motorcade 'Hell Drivers' Bound for Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - Gen. Stanley McChrystal announced that Vice-President Joe Biden's motorcade will be deployed as part of Operation Moshtarak. Known unofficially as the 'Hell Drivers,' the motorcade favors an aggressive style which the army plans using as a battering ram against Taliban fighters hold up in Marja. "They'll speed past IEDs and mow down the Taliban as if they were taxpayers," said Public Affairs Officer Captain Ron King. "We [U.S. Army] used to recruit Dominos Pizza delivery kids. They motored hard and broke more land speed records than half the rocket cars at Bonneville. But they went soft. Now we look for federal employees driving SUVs. There's nothing more dangerous. They've got lifetime jobs and they're above the law, so we don't have to worry who they hit. We're hoping it's mostly the enemy." Since last November, the 'Hell Drivers' have killed a D.C. pedestrian and slightly injured skater Peggy Fleming in Vancouver. "Safest place to be is topside in a 'copter," said Captain King. "I'll have a radio in one hand and popcorn in the other watching 'em tear ass across the landscape. It'll be better than watching skateboard fails on You Tube."