You Are Not Alone

Very familiar, huh! Why of course it's one of the hit songs of Michael Jackson (r.i.p). But this is not about him nor his song. It's actually about my former co-worker's situation, same one that I am in currently.

I'm a member of a female forum and I happen to discover that she was also a member of it. In this forum, the member has the option to link their membership on their personal web stuff such as their blog or the social networking group they belong to. So I opened her blog and read her entries. All the while I thought her relationship with her SD (what this stands for??? figure it out, lol) was OK. But it wasn't and we're almost in the same boat.

It's just so sad that a lot of mothers today have become "single parent" because it was not their choice but because of their ex-partner's negligence. I don't wanna sound sexist here but I'm just wondering-- how come guys find it so easy to leave their responsibilities and get back to their bachelorhood? Don't they ever care for their kids? Tsk.

I admit I am having a hard time moving on until now. And maybe this is God's way of telling me not to be afraid with my decision to be happy and just stick to it. I don't want to write down any more details with regards to my previous dilemma (but you can do back-reading of my blog entries and get some background) for I'm sick and tired of making the world know how stupid I was (oops I forgot, -- or maybe slight, lols nth time).

I am not alone.

Life Choices

I don't have to worry about his birthday anymore. He'll be celebrating it with the third wheel. I just hope he will be happy on his day.

I already gave up... on him... on the future of our family. I think God has already sent me several signs but I just refuse to obey His will. But now, here I am at long last-- finally free from "bondage."

If it's meant to be... it's meant to be.

December 6

... my husband's birthday... I still consider him my husband. Call me a fool, martyr or whatever-- I don't care. Believe me, I've tried so hard to forget him. But until now, I still love him. And here I am, listening to Taylor Dayne's "Love will lead You back." That's how jaded I am.

I even made a letter-- which I am still undecided if I will give it to him on his birthday or not for I might regret it. Or I might not be able to fulfill everything that I wrote there.

Well, I still have a few days to think. Make me wise.

Novena to the Blessed Virgin Mary (Never Known To Fail)

Oh, most beautiful flower of Mount Carmel, fruitful vine, splendour of Heaven.
Blessed Mother of the Son of God; Immaculate Virgin, assist me in my necessity.
Oh, Star of the Sea, help me and show me you are my Mother.
Oh, Holy Mary, Mother of God, Queen of Heaven and Earth, I humbly beseech you from the bottom of my heart to succour me in my necessity. (Mention your request here).
There are none that can withstand your power.

O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.
O show me herein You are my Mother.
O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.
O show me herein You are my Mother.
O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.
O show me herein You are my Mother.

Sweet Mother, I place this cause in Your hands.
Sweet Mother, I place this cause in Your hands.
Sweet Mother, I place this cause in Your hands.
3 our father , 3 hail Mary , 3 glory be

Blessed Virgin Mary Mount Carmel - 3 day prayer - To strengthen marriage, personal needs; say this prayer for 3 consecutive days and then you must publish it and it will be granted to you.

No Air

I can't sleep right now. My mind's a bit tired already. I'm so much of a worrier. I am thinking of him again. I'm also thinking of work and my "critics."

I don't know why I still love him. I apologize for being so stupid. I am very much jaded that I can't get over the fact that we're over years ago. And he is with another girl. Everytime I look at our kid, it is him that I see. I can truly say that it's genuine love I feel for him and our kid. However...

He doesn't love me anymore. But my heart won't stop loving him. And I know I should. I'm just stubborn. I should avoid attending their family gatherings even if they insist that we should be there. I must stop. The more I get attached to his family, the more my expectations and hopes grow. Yes, his love for our kid is there and will always be there. But his love for me ended years ago. And even if he says he'll come back to us after he fulfills his dreams... still I shouldn't hold on to that promise. A promise which he himself is not sure of. And I must stop. Wake up.

Now at work, I don't know why I keep on getting punished by some of our bitter ex-employees. As if they didn't do anything wrong. And I don't know why I can't do my job without getting criticized. And why don't they just shut-up. I worked so hard even depriving myself of rest and quality time with my kid... but they just want me down. Envy. This is the only reason why they do this. Please, just work and prove your employer that you are trustworthy. Because I have done so. That's why I am here.

Forgive me for ranting. I just need to breathe these worries out. So help me Lord.

The Weekend that Was

This weekend was one of the best weekends I had for this year. My family (my original family) got reunited again and it's as if nothing ever happened that cause everyone hurt and sadness. I'm so glad that I saw my parents smiling and exchanging jokes about each other. At least they're friends. Of course, that's good. Here are some of the photos I took when we went out last Sunday...





see?! they're enjoying the get-together...

yum! yum! yummy kwabs...

the mouth-watering buttered shrimp...








But then, this only made me realize one thing... no matter what happens amongst all of you, you'll always end up a family.

Thank God for that wonderful sunday...

What goes around comes around

This one's a personal matter, but I can't contain the mixed emotions I'm havin' right now. Just to give you an overview...

I admit, I'm short-tempered (except where my family's concerned). Blame it on lack of sleep that sometimes I can't accept "petty reasons" being given. I am really friendly if I feel that a person is worthy of the 100% pure friendship I'm giving... but if you mess with me-- sorry but that's the end of the line. I don't exactly "get even" but I pray for karma with a vengeance.

I've just discovered something that made me "somehow happy"... it's the misery of a person because of the repercussions of the complications she/he gave us. There's truth to the saying that what you give is what you will indeed receive. Piece of advice to that person?.. Think!

Positive... on a High

I know I deserve to be happy
That's why now I'm moving on
Leaving the grudges behind
And just now I'm positive about life again
There's really truth to the saying "you'll never know unless you try"
I'm so happy I've tried
Now at least I know, it ain't so hard to forget you :)

If You Changed Your Mind

I know I'll be getting "reactions" about this song (for those who know what I've been through). For the record, I just kinda' like the song because I'm a music lover and believe me honey! Got it while sound-trippin'... believe me it's nice!



If You Changed Your Mind by Trina

I just can't get it over losing you
It's hard to accept that you found someone new
Life used to be so wonderful
Wish I was with you

Why did I give my heart to you
It really hurts coz I love you still
I just cant help but wish that things will change

(If u change your mind) I'll still be here waiting for you baby I'm still in love with you
(If u change your mind) I was always hoping for you honey hope you'll come back to me
(If u change your mind) if you will have me unconditionally only baby I'm yours alone
If you change your mind

Does she love you the way I do
Does she build her world around you too
I cant help but be desperate
I need you back

(If u change your mind) I'll still be here waiting for you baby I'm still in love with you
(If u change your mind) I was always hoping for you honey hope you'll come back to me
(If u change your mind) if you will have me unconditionally only baby I'm yours alone
If you change your mind

(If u change your mind) I'll still be here waiting for you baby im still in love with you
(If u change your mind) I was always hoping for you honey hope you'll come back to me
(If u change your mind) if you will have me unconditionally only baby I'm yours alone
if you change your mind

Goodbye 2007

This year had been a roller-coaster ride for me...

- been in and out of jobs

- been in and out of relationship

- been unhealthy

- been crazy and unstable

and I thought this was my year. Well, I don't want to think about the bad things that happened but I'll concentrate more on good things to come for the coming year 2008... so much for my last post-- for the year that was 2007.

Happy New Year!

Cancun Vacations

If you’ve got the chance to go for a vacation with your loved one, where will it be? Perhaps you’re thinking of going out of the country? How about Mexico? Sounds fun right! Well, it’s because Mexico has its own charm-- Karisma! One of Mexico’s fab vacation spots in Riviera Maya, the idea of experiencing Cancun vacation is one long-shot dream turn into a reality. Its spectacular amenities give an ideal romantic touch for couples who just wanted to have a memorable honeymoon or long-time life partners spend their second honeymoon in this paradise-like destination. Just take a look at the picture above and give yourself an idea what Cancun Vacations will be.

What Rose Represents Your Love?

Your Love Is Represented By a Red Rose

You love passionately and fully, without any reservations. And while romantic love comes easily for you, you also love many people platonically. You are a true romantic, and you always can see the best in people.

What Rose Represents Your Love?

Perfect Present for Him this Holiday

I was searching for perfect gift for guys, just like for my friends and loveones this coming holiday... when I stumbled upon a good website to find the best gifts for him. This website carries a lot of products that guys would love to get as a presents... now, what gift would I buy for my guys? ;-)

For my brother- a bike enthusiast, the most perfect gift for him would be a bike rack. Allows him to save some space at home and moving it every time won't be a problem anymore since it's got a dedicated place for it already. And for my father, I'm sure he'll love organizers, such as storage bins.

How about you... do you have any idea on what will you buy your guy for the coming season?

In-Laws

Others might disagree with me... but I don't find it hard to love my "in-laws". We get along well, as far as I'm concerned. Before, I was hesitant and having doubts that I won't be welcome anymore after what happened with me and with "him". However, we just get closer. I feel that their love for my daughter is genuine. And much as I would like to stay as far as I can from them, I'm finding it hard to deprive them of my daughter.

I know I've had my share of faults. However, they still accept and acknowledge that I'm "his" wife and would introduce me as such to other people. Well, only time can tell when I'll forgive him for what he has done to our family... but I'm still thankful for him... for his family's warm reception towards us. Even though Jada doesn't have a complete family, she still can enjoy her extended family.

I love them so much... like my own.

Quotable Quote Part 2

Received this from one of the forwarded text messages-- got stuck in my cellphone ;-)

it is not "Destiny" that
determines "Love"
it is "Choice"
Our so-called "Destiny" is a lie...

Relationships last long
not because they're destined to last long.

Relationships last long
because two brave people made a choice -
to keep it, to fight for it, and to work for it.

Meanwhile, other relationships fail
not because they're destined to fail.
They failed because one of the two, or both,
made the choice -
to set each of the other free...

Isn't that sad?!

Waiting in Vain

If there's one thing I really hate doing-- it's waiting.

Here I am, waiting for my salary... waiting for the great job opportunity (job offer)... waiting for my backpay... waiting for my other "side jobs" to release my pay... waiting for "him"... waiting for Friday to come... waiting... waiting... and endless waiting.

I'm really not good at it. And this is what God is teaching me... to learn the art of waiting. It's trying my patience. It's making me cry. But I know, this will only make me stronger.

One More Try lyrics by Kuh Ledesma

Last Sunday while I was watching ASAP, they paid tribute to one of the great OPM composer Cecille Azarcon. I never knew that she wrote most of the OPM songs that I like. And this song-- One more Try-- I find this one very nice. Very apt for those people in a rocky relationship.

Should we stay or should we say goodbye
Walk away or give it one more try
What a waste to let our dreams just fly
And as the days go by
We'll always wonder why.

Are we glad to find one day we're free
Is this what we really want to be
Brand new lives, we need to have so much
It really is quite tough
When love is not enough.

Tell me why did we find each other
Only to part ways in the end
Tell me how we learned to love each other
And tell me why two people have to change.

Was it pride that made us drift away
Hurting words we should not even say
Hold my hand and look straight in my eyes
If we can't say goodbye
Then we're worth one more try.

The Weekend that was...

Last Sunday was my birthday. Day before that, I got terminated. Then, we had an argument. On the day itself, my mom and I almost clashed again. And I was a bit unwell.

Late in the afternoon, we met at the mall and decided to forget the previous night's discussion. Spent the night watching our brothers play arcade games and we played with our daughter. Had dinner. But the best part of the day was watching Transformers. Really great movie! So at least, my natal day turned out to be special. Twas very memorable... for I was able to spend it with my family.

Quit Playing Games with My Heart

After the last time we had our first major fight and I put closure to our relationship... he's coming back again. And now he's saying he can't afford to loose me. Oh well, such sweet words coming from the person who've caused you so much pain.

I admit. I'm stupid. I'm entertaining his calls again. Of course, there's still love-- but now, it's mix with anger. But what made me talk to him again was the fact that he's now thinking about our kid. Right now, I'm not a 100% convinced with his intentions. I've learned my lesson and I won't let myself be fooled again. If he really wants us back... if he really wants me back, he needs to prove it. And it will take some time for me to accept him (if ever he's proven himself) again. If not, at least I don't have anything to lose.

He makes me happy... but I just can't forget what had happened. It almost ruined me. And I won't let it happen again.

Picking Up The Broken "Me"

For the past 28 years of my life, I've been wondering why is my life not easy? Unlike some people I know, the major problems they've had compared with mine was something that I can't consider a problem at all. OK, I know it's not fair to compare your life with other people's lives. But life hasn't been fair to me lately. And at times, dying is a welcome thought to end my miseries.

Most of my close friends consider me a fighter. I beg to disagree... it's just that I wasn't given a choice but to live with my problems. And now, you can feel that I'm becoming pessimistic. Because I'm so damnnn tired of this life.

Ever since I turned 18, I've been trying my darnest best to please my parents. To saved our family from getting broken. But instead, they've decided to live apart and leave us in the middle of nowhere. Being the eldest, they see me as the one who should took over their responsibilities since they've given up on our family. The sad part of it-- they always made me feel what I was doing was not enough. Well, I've tried almost every possible way for them to hear me out. Remind them that we need to be a family, that we need our parents to take care of us-- their kids. Unfortunately, Jaq failed.

Now I have my own kid. And months ago, I was already settled living as a single parent to my daughter. But then, somebody came and promised to never leave again. To take care of the family... of us-- me and my daughter. I thought this is it... that I'll be able to get what I wanted for so long-- a family. That my daughter's not going to be a part of growing statistics of those who belong from a broken home. That this might have been my reward. However, whatever he promised didn't transpire at all and happiness was short-lived. It was all a lie and all he wanted is getting his own happiness-- from me, without me. I should not have believe in promises. They're just words-- and never again will I believe the same person. I should've never given my trust that easily-- just because of love. And again I failed... the 2nd time around.

All I ever wanted is a FAMILY. Complete with love and respect. That no matter what you've done, they're always there to stay beside you and making sure you're ok. That even if the going gets tough, the tough gets going and nobody's left behind. To help me get through this life. But why is it so hard to keep a family?

After trying to understand why my world is falling apart over and over again, I found an answer. I'm guilty... I'm selfless. I loved and cared for them too much. I don't know if this is wrong. But maybe, I've just got lots of love to give and I'm happy sharing my life with the people I love. And all along... maybe, all that they've love and can love are themselves.

My soul's in agony. I'm so broken. I was given the wrong idea. I'm not strong, again-- I just don't have a choice but face each day like a zombie (translation: living dead). Work, sleep, work. A programmed human.

It will be just me and Jada-- the only members of the family. I should be happy with that thought. I should be contented. But right now, I need to recover. I'm so sorry... I'm just human and I'm going through a lot right now. These days are the roughest, hardest times. Of course, I won't let my daughter suffer from my mistakes. But please, I need time to sulk amidst this sorrowful episode of our life. After 10 years... I've learned my lesson now.

I should only care about me and my daughter-- and no more.