Prophecy 15

Once again the Prophecies of Johnny Pez return to disturb and amaze a world already surfeited with disturbance and amazement.

The pilgrimage to the country of scarlet men
Ends in the feast of berry, bird, and mashed tuber
The awkward uncle will embarrass all again
Then doze while athletes pirouette and maneuver

Who can tell what these mystic visions portend? We may never know ... and it may be just as well.

Prophecy 14

The Prophecies of Johnny Pez return once more, as arcane forces once again make me the vessel for their inexplicable revelations.

A talos bears a royal daughter's fearful plea
A farm boy makes his refuge in a hermit's cave
The smuggler shows an unexpected gallantry
And sends the Star of Death to its untimely grave 

Who can say what immensities it foretells? The only thing we can be sure of is that we can be sure of nothing.

(continue to Prophecy 15)

Prophecy 13

The Prophecies of Johnny Pez awaken again! Weep, O world! Your doom lies at hand!

A nation trembles as the Son of Carr
Sets aside his trade in the brain
The lands ring with pronouncements bizarre
As blocks of stone yield up their grain

Would it be irresponsible to pay heed to these prophetic utterances? It would be irresponsible not to!

(continue to Prophecy 14)

Prophecy 12

Like a long-lost burrito that suddenly appears to trouble and vex the world, the Prophecies of Johnny Pez have returned! Wail, o world! Wail in fear!

Unknown hosts are put in the ewe crane
As Gog and Magog play their game;
When the European onion slips its chain
The Blackamoor's physick bears the blame.

Truly, the world teeters on the brink of madness. Or possibly the brink of sanity. Who can say?

(continue to Prophecy 13)

Prophecy 11

The Prophecies of Johnny Pez continue to push their way out of my hapless brain, like spriggans from a cracked mirror.

Seven will be lost from a three hour tour
Savant and merchant and merchant's wife
Farm girl's sense and player's allure
Captain and first mate rue their life

Who can say what arcane meaning is to be found in these puzzling lines?

(continue to Prophecy 12)

Prophecy 10

The Prophecies of Johnny Pez continue to shake the world, foretelling doom and destruction and poor oral hygiene.

The newt's pole sinks and his time is over
While an iron pall is cast on his days.
A frothy mix will spread to cover
The mitten that points all ways.

A cruel necessity compels me to write these prophecies; though not, I freely admit, as cruel as the necessity that compels you to read them.

(continue to Prophecy 11)

Prophecy 9

The Prophecies of Johnny Pez know no rest, and neither do I. The Great Ones continue to use me as their plaything, and not in a good way either.

A mighty wind disperses night's fog
And the echo of the unveiled horizon calls;
At the confluence of rivers the silent dog
Awaits the day eternal winter falls.

Fear for your sanity, you who read this. Fear for your life. Fear for your world!

(continue to Prophecy 10)

Prophecy 8

The Prophecies of Johnny Pez continue, sowing confusion and fear among the troubled nations of the world:

In forty-nine years no judgment will bend
The silent dog in his exile will roam
No power in earth or heaven can send
A guardian angel to guide him home

The world trembles on the brink of oblivion, my friends. Do not doubt it.

(continue to Prophecy 9)

Prophecy 7

The Prophecies of Johnny Pez resume, as I am once again seized by the prophetic trance. Will this nightmare never end?

The days grow dark and the nights last for years
When the demon sun blights the telescope
Radio waves are shedding tears for fears
As nations ride down the slippery slope

Awful as these quatrains may be to contemplate, rest assured they are even more awful to compose.

(continue to Prophecy 8)

Prophecy 6

The Prophecies of Johnny Pez continue, dragging the world closer to its inevitable existential crisis:

A flaming penis will write across the firmament
Words that shine like loaded underwear
Spelling out a serious, thoughtful argument
Never before made in such detail or with such care

(continue to Prophecy 7)

Prophecy 5

The Prophecies of Johnny Pez continue, even though the terrible powers at work are causing my ears to turn blue. The Great Work must go on, though I forfeit peace of mind and suffer the scorn of a skeptical world.

After they see what the curtain reveals
All will bow down at the sign of the weasel
Five hundred hamsters are spinning their wheels
To start up the engine that powers Nurse Diesel

I sooth my battered ego with the thought that one day millions will revere me.

(continue to Prophecy 6)

Prophecy 4

The Prophecies of Johnny Pez continue. When the prophetic trance seizes me, the everyday world vanishes. There may come a day when it does not return.

The rushing bear does his business in the woods
At the end of the bag the thief gains his sting
The Master of Laketown is caught fencing stolen goods
While the Dark Lord's mighty bell begins to ring

Do not meddle in the affairs of prophets, for they are subtle and quick to anger.

(continue to Prophecy 5)

Prophecy 3

The Prophecies of Johnny Pez continue. Today's prophecy was composed while I was supposed to be working. I make no apologies; there are powerful forces at work here, and the slightest mis-step on my part could result in whole nations being consumed in fire.

The Lord of the Imf will feel the bite of the handcuff
To the Belgians and Swiss will come rumors of war
The City with the Big Shoulders will suffer from dandruff
And worms will emerge from the Big Apple's core

The burden is terrible, but I shall persevere.

(continue to Prophecy 4)

Prophecy 2

We now present the second installment of the Prophecies of Johnny Pez:

The hairy potter fires his earthen cup
While the riddling Lord enchants the cross whore.
Within a hog's warts a parcel of tongues opens up,
But the server's nape closes the dumbled door.

What does it mean? Maybe nothing. But maybe it fortells the end of the world!

(continue to Prophecy 3)

The Prophecies of Johnny Pez

Being a prophet is easy.

Whether we're talking about the Oracle at Delphi, the Revelation of St. John the Divine, the Prophecy of Merlin, the Prophecies of Nostradamus, or even the Prophets of the Celestial Temple, it's always the same game. The prophecies are always couched in such cryptic, arcane, metaphorical language that they could mean pretty much anything. Always, it's only after the prophecied event takes place that people are able to look back and see what the prophecy was actually referring to.

Thus, it isn't necessary for a prophecy to actually predict anything. All you need is something that sounds like a prediction, cloaked in appropriately murky language, and you can gain a coterie of groupies followers who will sing your praises and (most importantly) buy collections of your prophetic writings.

Sounds like a sweet deal to me, so I've decided to get into the prophecy business. I'm going to start composing my own prophecies in the form of Nostradamus-style alternate rhyme quatrains. Since I don't want to glut the prophetic market, I'll limit myself to no more than one per day. Here's the first one:

The lions of the north will shake their heads
Two hundred Bolivians will seek release
The Lord of the Trumpet will bare his threads
And a plague of vampires will trouble Greece

Remember, folks, just because I think it's a load of old rubbish, doesn't mean these aren't genuine prophetic utterances. For all anyone knows, I may actually be channeling some higher power when I write these things. So, when I start publishing my prophecies in expensive hardbound volumes with tooled leather covers, you may want to buy a copy.

Just in case.

(continue to Prophecy 2)