Electing a Scary Black Man President Isn't the End of the World

Isn’t this a great country? This year’s presidential election proves that anything is possible in America, even a scary black man being elected President of the United States. Whether Obama was elected because of enormous voter fraud, liberal white guilt, an influx of new and ignorant voters or some kind of mass hysteria is not important. For now all Americans should savor this victory for our country and for conservative values.

Some conservatives have gotten the mistaken impression that this election was some kind of repudiation of conservatism, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Thank goodness Michelle Malkin was there to go all Don Corleone and bitchslap the whiney, spineless conservatives who harbored such notions. “I’m getting a lot of moan-y, sad-face ‘What do we do now, Michelle?’ e-mails,” wrote Malkin. But this is no time for self-reflection and mea culpas, Malkin told her minions. “We do not apologize for our beliefs. We do not re-brand them, re-form them, or relinquish them. We defend them.” In other words we must double down on our beliefs no matter how distasteful some Americans find them to be. In fact, Americans were telling us that we weren’t conservative enough, that we need to get back to our core principles by being stingier and more callous. John Derbyshire, lamented that we probably would have won this election if only George Bush had deported 20 million illegal aliens and not visited mosques. But this is no time to regret the past. In fact, conservatives have a lot to be proud of.

For years conservatives have been saying that racism doesn’t exist anymore. The election of Barack Obama proves we were right all along. Throughout the campaign we reminded people at every opportunity that while it might be frightening that Obama is a socialist who pals around with terrorists, probably wasn’t born in this country and is secretly a Muslim, it made no difference whatsoever that he was black. “America actually is more post-racial than most realize,” wrote The Anchoress before the election. “Think about it. Obama can’t break 50%. Neither could Kerry, Gore or Clinton. So, Obama is being treated precisely like every other Democrat politician of the last 16 years. His race is not holding him down. His race is not propping him up. This should be cause for celebration, I think. We’ve clearly moved past race.” So even if Obama had lost the election it would have proven that racism doesn’t exist because white people lost elections, too. Still, some conservatives believe that more could have been done to prove that Obama’s race didn’t matter. Lisa Schifrin points out one of the reasons McCain lost was that he was too squeamish about the race thing and hadn’t yet gotten the word that we live in a post-racial society. “Some McCain aides had felt for a while that their candidate had had a deep reluctance to impede the election of the nation's first African American president. That he had, perhaps, pulled punches and failed to strike as hard as necessary to win this thing, for that greater good,” wrote Schifrin. “All Republicans who watched their candidate these past few months, must have been struck, as I have been, by the sense that he was holding back.” Although it’s true that McCain might have been able to win the election if he believed more strongly that race was irrelevant and brought up issues like Rev. Wright, other conservatives did not share his reluctance and in the end no matter what we threw at Obama, white people voted for him anyway. So with the election of Obama conservatives have been vindicated. Now that we have proved once and for all that racism doesn’t exist and that we live in a post-racial society, we never have to talk about race again. Sometimes you win by losing.

I know many conservatives are frightened by an Obama presidency but there are many reasons for optimism. While this election did not turn out the way we expected, Obama will probably really screw things up (I mean, worse than they already are). It’s not too idealistic to believe he could turn out to be a hopelessly incompetent President, maybe the worst this country has ever seen, and completely run America into the ground. We can already take solace in the fact that Obama has so much to live up to that it will be impossible for him to succeed. “Disillusionment will turn to a feeling of betrayal. And that will, in turn, convert to anger,” wrote Steven Den Beste hopefully. “Our mission for the next four years is to be in opposition without becoming deranged.” So all we have to do is let Obama take this country to hell in a handbasket without looking like we are too crazy. How hard could that be?

Although many conservatives did not appear to realize what an enormous opportunity had been handed to us, they nevertheless accepted the news of Obama’s victory with a stoicism that should make us all proud. “Obama is NOT the Anti-Christ,” wrote Flopping Aces, reassuringly. “The Anti-Christ has an actual plan and millions of years of experience to call upon. Obama the President can claim NONE of these qualities.” Sultan Knish exuded a Zen-like calm as he anticipated the next four years. “Today I unpacked my winter clothes in preparation for a long winter, and a long winter is coming if not of the thermometer, then of the soul,” Sultan wrote with soaring poetic imagery, if not of the anger, then of the sorrow. “A man that represents not simply an opposing view but the view of those who oppose America and all it stands for, will sit in the Oval Office. Worse still he did not get there through a democratic election but through fraud, voter intimidation and every dirty trick culminating in a campaign that had little in common with conventional American politics and a great deal in common with the cults of personality cultivated by totalitarian dictators.” Atlas Shrugs waxed poetic, too, transforming herself into a Jewish, orthographically challenged e.e. cummings: “he says he is a democrat. i think he does so to hide that he is a committed marxist leninist who intends to impose a marxist dictatorhip upon this country, which advancig the interests of islam. he will attempt to either impose or import sharia, and sharia financing into this country. he is not my president. i do not accept him we have no deals, mr. obama and i, as he has vitiated them by a fundamental and far reaching fraud. he has evil designes and intents upon me and mine, upon thee and me.”

Obama’s epic fail of an administration will make President Bush’s term look brilliant by comparison. Unfortunately, President Bush has not gotten the respect and appreciation he deserves for keeping America safe after 9/11, protecting all of our other cities besides New Orleans and keeping our economy strong until the financial crisis. Pat Boone, who had such a wonderful career turning crude African-American noise into nice, wholesome Christian music (maybe he could revive his career by re-recording some of Obama’s speeches and doing the same for him), recently shared a very amusing and creative “Bush Resignation Letter” in which Bush explains how great he was to all the ingrates. “I'm fed up with you people,” the faux Bush says. “I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world – or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damn lazy to do your homework and figure it out.” The Wall Street Journal has already begun assigning blame for the Bush Administration’s problems where it belongs: to the American people. In an editorial titled “The Treatment of Bush Has Been a Disgrace,” Jeffrey Shapiro writes, “The attacks launched against him have been cruel and slanderous, proving to the world what little character and resolve we have. The president is not to blame for all these problems.…Our failure to stand by the one person who continued to stand by us has not gone unnoticed by our enemies. It has shown to the world how disloyal we can be when our president needed loyalty -- a shameful display of arrogance and weakness that will haunt this nation long after Mr. Bush has left the White House.” Of course, Mr. Shapiro and other conservatives will always stand by President Obama no matter how bad a President he is because we aren’t disloyal like liberals are. Obama will have to fail on his own without our help. Then we can all say, “I told you so.” I don’t know how much an Obama administration will have to screw up to make the Bush Administration look good, but we can all keep our fingers crossed.

Another bright spot in the election was that the success of Proposition 8 showed that while Americans are colorblind, they still hate gay people, even in California. In addition to Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage in California, similar propositions in Florida and Arizona succeeded and Arkansas passed a resolution banning the practice of forcing orphans to live with gay parents instead of in nice, comfortable orphanages. Conservatives should make vilifying gays the centerpiece of our platform in the coming years since it obviously still works. In fact, Proposition 8 got its strongest support from blacks and Hispanics, so once they get over the novelty of having a minority in the White House, we may be able to use this issue to win them over to the conservative cause.

Lost in the drama of election night coverage was the fact that Gabriel Malor, one of the pseudononymous co-bloggers on the blog of CPAC Blogger of the Year Ace of Spades, chose this night to come out of the closet and was duly slapped down by conservatives sticking to their principles. “Could we have a moment of silence for those poor fools who were happily married or engaged yesterday and today are finding out that they don't have squat?” Malor wrote. “Prop 8 was much more personal than some silly high-speed train or hospital funding. People are hurting today. And I'm one of them.” Commenters at Ace of Spades, where ribald anti-gay humor has always been one the features that makes the blog so delightful, were shocked. “Did Gabe just come out of the closet?” exclaimed A Different Dave in Texas. Apotheosis did his best to take it in stride with a nervous attempt at humor: “I'm sorry you're hurting, Gabriel. I'd offer you a hug, but...y'know. Just a beer or something, man? We're cool, right?” But while some commenters offered him sympathy, others stuck to their core conservative principles. “Wow. I'm really hurting for all the guy who want to marry their sisters. The gals who want to marry their Doberman Pinschers. The pain. The hurt,” wrote Dang sarcastically. “I'm not a hard hearted person, but I'm also not going to lose sleep about the democratic process working to the disappointment of some. That's just the f---ing breaks,” said Nom de Blog. Moronizer was having none of it: “So you got ‘married,’ knowing full well that it might get voided. Boo hoo.” And Religious Zealot wanted Malor to stop acting so gay about it: “I don't deny that Gabe and others are hurting, it's just that it's a drama-queen reaction.” I hope that in the coming days the bloggers at Ace of Spades will redouble their efforts to make fun of gays lest people start speculating about the sexual preference of the other co-bloggers and regular commenters there. Better to nip this thing in the bud before it spreads.

Even though Ace of Spades was not able to have any effect whatsoever on the election, it wasn’t for lack of trying. And Ace of Spades will continue to be the go-to blog as conservatives grapple with their principles in this brave new world. If there is one thing that distinguishes conservatives from liberals it’s that we don’t believe in demonizing our opponents unless it’s absolutely necessary. “McCain lost honorably, as he wanted. I guess that's what really matters in the end,” Ace of Spades wrote after the results came. Ace of Spades never lost his honor or dignity even as he did his best to warn Americans that they were about to elect someone who was “the same kind of socialist race hustler as Jesse Jackson,” was so close to terrorists that one even wrote his book for him and had a mistress that the mainstream media refused to report on no matter how much he tried to push the story. Now Ace and his "moronbloggers," as they call themselves, will lead the way in showing why conservatives are better than liberals. “I love this country too much to do to President-Elect Obama what the left did to President Bush, John McCain and Sarah Palin. We’re better than that,” wrote Ace’s co-blogger Slublog. “Demonization is not essential to opposition.” Conservatives can try other things, too.

Of course, conservatives are not going to be afraid to give President Obama constructive criticism when necessary, while we wait for 2012, when we can all get behind the Sarah Palin/Dan Quayle ticket (yes you can say you heard it here first: Palin will be the Republican nominee in 2012 and she will select Dan Quayle as her running mate to add experience and gravitas to the ticket). When Bill Clinton was elected President in 1992, Bob Dole famously said "Good news is, Clinton's on his honeymoon. Bad news is, his chaperone is Bob Dole." That was before the Internet. President Obama is going to have the whole conservative blogosphere as his chaperone.

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Why McCain Will Win

The pundits have gotten everything wrong this election year, from prematurely writing John McCain’s political obituary to declaring Hillary Clinton the Democrat nominee to celebrating Fred Thompson as the second coming of Ronald Reagan. But none of these blunders compares to the egg they will be wearing on their faces when the election results roll in this Tuesday, and John McCain becomes the next President of the United States. I think most of the major demographic groups are going to break for McCain, but you don’t have to wait for the Wednesday morning quarterbacking to find out why this will happen because I’m going to tell you right now.

Young People Won’t Show Up To Vote Because They Are Lazy and Stupid

I don’t know who on Obama’s campaign had the bright idea to base their campaign strategy on a huge turnout of young people. Have they actually met any young people? Let’s face it, young people today are the least reliable, laziest, stupidest generation in our nation’s history. If we had known that baby boomers would end up spawning such spoiled, self-absorbed progeny, we would have had them all sterilized. Historically, young people don’t show up to vote, anyway, but this year promises to be even worse. Just as Obama Girl couldn’t manage to vote in the primary because she had to wash her hair or something, most young people won’t be able to summon up the energy to get out of bed or stop playing their video games long enough to show up and vote for Obama. I’d be surprised if these dimwits even know how voting works. On Election Day, I expect, millions of young people will be frantically texting their friends trying to find out the number of the Obama hotline to call to cast their vote. Unfortunately, these idiots are our future. I hope I die before they get old.

Jews, Like Horses, Are Easily Frightened

The McCain campaign has finally hit on a strategy that works: scaring the Jews. It’s a sure-fire strategy because jittery Jews are the most easily frightened people on earth. Boo! If you’re Jewish, you probably jumped just reading that last sentence. It really doesn’t take much. All you have to do is insinuate that somebody knows somebody who might possibly be anti-Semitic and Jews will stampede in the other direction. You don't really need any evidence. Jews have already done half the work themselves by sending around scary emails to each other about how Obama is bad for the Jews because he will destroy Israel the minute he is elected President. Nobody knows how to scare Jews better than other Jews. McCain spokesman Michael Goldfarb might have looked like a manipulative fear-monger and an ass to some people when he started stammering in a recent interview and couldn’t name all the anti-Semitic people he said Obama supposedly knows, but to other Jews Goldfarb looked like a fellow scared Jew who can barely utter a coherent sentence because he’s so frightened. Every Jew knows we are thisclose to another Holocaust, so why take a chance on some guy whose name sounds Arab, when there’s a very nice goy running? Sure, his running mate belongs to a church that thinks Jesus is coming any day now to convert all the Jews, but there is no one who loves Israel more than a bunch of Christians waiting for the Rapture. I expect just seeing Obama’s name is going to have many Jews running out of voting booths screaming like it's Halloween. For Jews, everyday is Halloween.

The Reverse Bradley Effect

Republicans are hoping that all the polls are wrong because of the "Bradley Effect," the phenomenon where white people say they are going to vote for the black guy because they don’t want to appear racist but once they get in the voting booth they just can’t do it. But this year, I think we’re going to see a "Reverse Bradley Effect," where black people say they are going to vote for the black guy because they don’t want to seem disloyal, but when they get into the voting booth they just can’t pull the lever for the brother. When it gets right down to it, black people don’t really trust other black people. When a famous black person gets in trouble, what’s the first thing they do? They hire a Jewish lawyer. And how many rich and famous black people let other black people manage their money or careers? Not too many. If black people won’t hire black lawyers or accountants, what makes you think they are going to hire a black President?

Hispanics Will Remember Why No Se Puede Support Obama

John McCain probably thought Hispanics would line up behind him because he sponsored the immigration reform bill that would have granted amnesty to illegal aliens, but Hispanics have been skittish about supporting him because they know he will probably sell them down the river to appease his base the first chance he gets. Until Election Day, that is. Once Election Day rolls around Hispanics will suddenly remember just how much they hate black people. No one hates black people more than Hispanics (except maybe Asians). Black people give Hispanic people someone to look down on. They even still call them "Negroes" long after everyone else changed to "blacks" and "African-Americans." If a black person gets elected President, the only people Hispanics will have left to make fun of will be gay people. I don’t think they’ll let that happen.

Old People Stick Together

This year old people have a chance to make history instead of just being history. They have an opportunity to elect the oldest human to ever serve as President, someone who is as crotchety as they are. Old people don’t care if their daughter marries a young man, they just don’t want one running the country. And they can sympathize with someone whose rightful promotion is being stolen by some precocious young whippersnapper who doesn’t have the decency to wait his turn. It seems like lately Presidents just keep getting younger and younger and old people think it’s about time someone who looks like them gets in the White House for a change. Ultimately, old people like to stick together, which is why they are going to flock to McCain. You’ve probably noticed that in public places like parks or cafeterias old people tend to gravitate toward one another because they feel more comfortable hanging out with other old people who can understand their jokes and ossified cultural references. They imagine having a President who will say things that go over everybody's head and when young people turn to them and ask them to explain, they will just say, “It’s an old people thing; you wouldn’t understand.”

Men Think With Their…

Palin has had a strange effect on American men. It’s hard to describe the secret of her allure. According to Kathleen Parker, it's why McCain picked her in the first place: "McCain took Palin to his favorite coffee-drinking spot down by a creek and a sycamore tree," she writes. "They talked for more than an hour, and, as Napoleon whispered to Josephine, ‘Voila.’ One does not have to be a psychoanalyst to reckon that McCain was smitten." In The New Yorker Jane Mayer describes how a group of influential conservative men became putty in Palin's hands after they met her on a cruise. Rich Lowry may have articulated it best when he wrote after the debate, "I'm sure I'm not the only male in America who, when Palin dropped her first wink, sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, 'Hey, I think she just winked at me.' And her smile. By the end, when she clearly knew she was doing well, it was so sparkling it was almost mesmerizing. It sent little starbursts through the screen and ricocheting around the living rooms of America." Ultimately, I think many men will end up voting for Palin and her running mate because men tend to think with their hearts more than their brains. When men see Palin, they can’t describe the effect she has on them; they just know their palms get sweaty and hearts start beating faster.

Women Love a Bad Boy

Women love a bad boy and there was a time when Obama seemed exciting and even a little dangerous, the kind of guy girls would like to bring home to their parents just to scare them. But as the campaign wore on, Obama seemed less and less enthralling. Women began to realize that his cool façade wasn’t keeping a lid on roiling depths of passion; it was just hiding more and more layers of cool. After a while he began to seem so safe and reassuring that women started to get bored with him. And then they took a look at McCain. They realized that he was reckless and impetuous and oh so deliciously risky. Sure, he might snap at you and call you nasty names but he’ll always say he’s sorry afterward and that just makes him more alluring. With McCain as President, you’ll never know what he is going to do next. In the end he may bankrupt you or knock you up (and after he appoints Supreme Court Justices who reverse Roe v. Wade, you’ll be spared from having to make that heart-rending decision about what to do about it), but in the end you know you would make the same choice again even if everything tells you not to. Remember when you picked George Bush over that boring guy who reminded you of your first husband?

Conservatives Finally Have a Reason To Be Optimistic About the Future

Conservatives have always hated McCain for his support of immigration reform, campaign finance reform and moderate judges, and his opposition to torture and the Bush tax cuts, until he changed his mind and kicked his principles under the Straight Talk Express, though not soon enough for most of us. But after he picked Sarah Palin, conservatives took another look at McCain. That was when we noticed that McCain is really, really old and sometimes he doesn’t look all that well (wink!). And then it dawned on us: McCain will probably die in office! We may not be all that happy with McCain, but we are practically giddy at the prospect that he won't last that long. He could even keel over right after the Inauguration. And then . . . say hello to President Palin! The thought of a President Palin sends chills up the legs of many patriotic Americans, and up other parts of their bodies, too. So conservatives will be rushing to the polls fired up by the prospect that a vote for McCain is really a vote for President Palin. When you go into the voting booth November 4, I hope you, too, will picture Sarah Palin sitting in the Oval Office with her Manolo Blahniks propped up on the desk and I betcha you’ll know what to do.

Update: Whoops.

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Swift Reactions 9: In Which Ann Althouse Tasks Me

You would think that my piece “Great Moments in Election-Year Blogging,” which brought well-deserved attention to the underreported stories on Obama in the conservative blogosphere, would have been greeted by those hard-working bloggers with great appreciation. Astonishingly, many of them responded with ingratitude and even hostility. Perhaps the most puzzling reaction came from Ann Althouse, who may have earned a place in Bartlett’s for her quote "You know, just because the thing I saw wasn't there doesn't mean there wasn't something there that I didn't see," thanks in no small part to the efforts of this modest blogger.

After I sent Ms. Althouse a link to the story as a courtesy, she wrote back to say, “Deceitful as usual. Thanks a whole hell of a lot.” I replied that I was “deeply troubled” that she would consider my piece “deceitful” and assured her that “like you, I am very scrupulous about what is published under my name (well, pseudonym), and I would hate to ruin my reputation by giving people the idea that I just publish whatever outrageous idea pops into my head without regard to what damage it might cause to myself and others.” Unfortunately, it was difficult to have a discussion with her about just what was wrong with my piece because she has a very strict policy against reading my work, lest the intellectual purity of her ideas be sullied by my clumsy attempts at reason, which I completely understand. Perhaps I didn’t praise her enough.

But her annoyance at me for my inadequate praise turned into rage after George Packer of the New Yorker linked to my piece and accused her of belonging to “a self-isolating political subculture gone rancid.” How did Ms. Althouse respond to this ridiculous and unfair charge? She and her commenters circled the wagons and viciously lashed out. “George Packer, names me and slams me, but doesn't link, so there's no way for readers to see the context” she wrote. “Shame on you, George Packer! That is truly sleazy!” Finally, she told Mr. Packer, “Look in a mirror, man. Look in a damn mirror, loser.” If Mr. Packer bothered to come to her site and read what she wrote as well as all of the supportive comments from her loyal and insular community of regular commenters, he would certainly see there was nothing “self-isolating” or “rancid” about her subculture. Later, she added, still fuming, “What Packer seems to have done is to have adopted another blogger's summary of what a lot of bloggers, including me, have done over the course of the election season. That other blogger paid no attention to my year of balanced blogging, under an explicit vow of cruel neutrality.” It seemed to me, however, that she undermined her case, and might even strike some as a wee bit hypocritical, when she referred to me as “that other blogger” without linking to me or even naming me, while accusing Mr. Packer of the very same violation of blogger ethics. Although I’m not a law professor like Ms. Althouse, from what experience I have gathered watching Matlock, I’m pretty sure that undermining your case is something you want to avoid.

When I politely pointed out this apparent contradiction in an email, she replied, “Your name has never appeared in a post on my blog. You smeared me by name on your blog and so did Packer. I chose only to write about Packer because of his prominence. I chose to ignore you other than to tell you by email that I regard what you wrote about me as deceitful.” I did not have the heart to tell Ms. Althouse that perhaps Mr. Packer applied her own reasoning to her and did not link to her because he did not consider her prominent enough to warrant such attention. Despite the fact that Ms. Althouse considers my blog to be The Blog That Dare Not Speak Its Name, said to me in her comments, “I don't like you, and screw you” and referred to me as a “little prick,” a “s---head,” a “hypocrite,” “boring,” and an “a--hole,” I know that this is just her colorful way of speaking, and probably how she speaks to her students as well to toughen them up, so I don’t take it personally. I only wish her well in her desire to someday earn the respect of the eastern elites, which she so clearly craves, like those other “wet-fingered conservatives” that Charles Krauthammer writes about.

Ace of Spades also seemed unhappy with my piece, cruelly drawing my attention in an email to the fact that his traffic is somewhat higher than mine. I pointed out that we have different goals: “I have aimed for a quality audience instead of simply quantity as you have,” I told him and encouraged him to “keep up the good work,” cheering him on by saying, “I know you're going to hit on a story that will actually have an effect on the election someday.” Charles Johnson of Little Green Footballs took issue with my post as well, linking to it in a comment (see comment #79) and telling his readers, “If you want a graphic demonstration of how much damage is being done by the so-called ‘conservatives’ who are chasing after conspiracy fantasies and stupid ugly rumors, read it and weep.”

Some of my own commenters also expressed disappointment with my piece. First-time (and apparently last-time) reader Dawn Marie, wrote, “It would have been nice to find a conservative blog that I could read in order to get a balanced perspective on the news. Unfortunately, your blog is just a collection of unsubstantiated rumors.” Although she allowed that “there are moments when your writing is fair,” she went on to say, “Your bias comes out with statements such as (paraphrased) ‘supported the democrats until they nominated an unqualified African-American candidate.’ Why not just say they nominated an ‘unqualified candidate’? Is there something particularly juicy to the placement of unqualified and African-American next to each other?” I have to confess I'm not sure what she is trying to say here. Does she mean I should use fewer adjectives? My good friend Neddie Jingo quickly rallied to my defense: “How dare you come into this good conservative blog and imply that it's ‘unbalanced’? Mr. Swift is and always has been a deep conservative thinker of the first water. I get all my news from him, just as he gets his from Fox News and Jay Leno monologues. That way, it's extra-filtered and pure, pure, pure,” he wrote. “I suspect you are actually a LIEberal flying under false colors, trying to make us think you are a conservative in order to make our brains explode from the sheer contradiction.”

Although there were some naysayers, such as Lonewhacko, whose name, I think, is supposed to be ironic, most of the comments were enthusiastically respectful. I urge you to read them all, though if you are rushed for time, Mistah Charley summed them up nicely. I must say, however, I was a bit hurt when Driftglass compared my post to an old rug, though I’m sure he didn’t mean to be quite so unkind.

Finally, my piece “Pro-America vs. Anti-America,” which included a handy chart outlining the differences, really brought out the creativity of my dear readers, who provided their own wonderful illustrations of Pro-America/Anti-America. Here are a few examples: Distributorcap: Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy; Dr. X: Fried/sautéed; PK: Dogma/Karma; Tom: glossolalia/stream of consciousness; rynato: Elvis Presley/Elvis Costello; Pamela D. Hart: lemonade/Kool-Aid; chicago dyke: meth/pot g4rg4ntu4: God/Boognish. Please go read them all. In the end I think I will take my very small, high-quality, not-particularly-loyal community over that of Ann Althouse and Ace of Spades any day.

Update: Ms. Althouse is still very angry.

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