This Valentine's Day, go bear

I admit, I got excited when I heard that Build-A-Bear had released a new line of "adult" teddy bears. I mean, why should Halloween get all the sexy? Especially when everyone knows that Valentine's Day, or VD Day as I like to refer to it, is the sexiest holiday? 

But I was sadly disappointed when I went to check out the Build-A-Bear "After Dark" line of adult-themed teddy bears. I mean, look at these guys? 

Sorry, Build-a-Bear, but there is nothing sexy or adult about these adorable stuffed toys. They're not even naked!  

The Love Bandit Bear the spouse got me from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company -- no pants and a Zorro mask! -- was way sexier. (Though maybe he was too sexy as he has since been retired.) 

Maybe instead of a sexless teddy bear, get your sweetie something he/she will really appreciate, like a heart-shaped box of cheese, or a heart-shaped pizza, or a bouquet of bacon this Valentine's Day. 

Sending love to all of you...

J. 

Kinkier than the average (Valentine's Day) bear

Want to whip that special someone into a frenzy this Valentine's Day, guys?

Well now you can with the Fifty Shades of Grey Bear from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company.

Inspired by the best-selling book, Fifty Shades of Grey, by E.L. James, the limited edition Christian Grey Bear, from the Vermont Teddy Company, is guaranteed to help you dominate this Valentine's Day. 

Seriously, what woman could possibly resist 15 inches of silky smoothness -- wrapped up in a suit? And are those mini handcuffs* I see in Christian Grey Bear's paw? Why yes, yes I do.

Act now, and for only $89.99 the Vermont BDSM Teddy Bear Company will not only send you (or your personal Anastasia) this adorably inappropriate bear but will also throw in some gourmet chocolates (no doubt so that you can lick them off her stomach... or other parts).

Btw, lest you missed the fine print, the Christian Grey Bear is not suitable for children.


*What, no whip? You should get your money back!

A Guide to the Perfect Valentine's Date

Just in time for Valentine's Day comes the latest Tiny Hamster video from the folks at Hello Denizen.

Titled "Tiny Hamster's Tiny Date," the video is not just adorable but a template for the perfect Valentine's Day date, whether your lady love is a hamster or a human.

A romantic boat ride (in a gondola, no less) -- accompanied by a rose? Si!

Followed by dinner in a romantic restaurant? Sign me up!

With a healthy yet delicious menu that is sure to please milady? Yum!

Not having to wait long for your beautifully prepared food? You know me so well!

And what's that you say? You love a woman who is not afraid to enjoy her food in public? (Now you're making me blush.)



Let's just say, you guys could learn a lot from the folks at Hello Denizen.

Hoping your Valentine's Day is delicious....

I love you more than bacon

Ah Valentine's Day. A time to tell that special someone in your life just how much you love her (or him). And nothing says "I love you" more than... bacon. (Except, perhaps, if you are a vegetarian.)

Indeed, just imagine her delight when you present her with this aromatic bouquet of bacon roses. (I can just smell the love! Or maybe it's just bacon fat. I often confuse the two.)

A little too pungent? Never fear! These sweet and salty Vosges Gourmet Luxury Bacon Truffles will have her eating out of the palm of your hand this Valentine's Day!

Mmm... chocolate AND bacon....

Or if your sweetie enjoys a good cuddle (even more than she enjoys a good slice of bacon), get her the "I Love You More Than Bacon" Bear from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company.

Personally, I have a couple of reservations about this one. Namely that some people might get the wrong idea. (Ahem.)

Her: "You got me a bear dressed up as a piece of bacon, with a frying pan?!"

Him: "Hey hon, looking at that bear is making me hungry. Could you run down to the kitchen and fry me up some bacon? And while you're there, grab me a beer."

Ah, romance.

I'm boycotting Valentine's Day

I have always loathed Valentine's Day, that incredibly manipulative holiday -- or as the spouse (then boyfriend) used to refer to it, the florist, chocolatier, and jeweler conspiracy.

Sure, a lot of it is -- or was -- sour grapes, being the only woman in my dorm at college who didn't receive something (or feeling that way). Never having a boyfriend on the big day, or having one who scoffed at the idea of celebrating Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day?! Who needs it?! I thought. (The answer, of course, was, I did.)

Then, after years of togetherness (and repeated refusal to acknowledge February 14 as more than another day on the calendar), the spouse began giving me presents on Valentine's Day. Turns out, he's a pretty good gift giver.

But really, after you have received the vacuum of your dreams (technically a floor sweeper)*, what else is there to give, or to receive? We can't have flowers in the house because the cats will eat/destroy them (and I'm tired of cleaning up the glass from all the broken vases). I like chocolate (though only dark chocolate), but it would go bad before I ate it. I don't really drink (despite those Facebook posts). And I'm an anti-social hermit who sits in front of a computer all day, fending off cats, so what's the point of jewelry?

And honestly, I don't need or want anything... except maybe courtside seats to a Knicks game or a pair of seats on the Giants 50 yard line or a month in some place sunny and warm near a beach or....

ANYWAY, the point is, after nearly 20 years of marriage, I know the spouse loves me, and I love him -- and neither of us needs to prove it with flowers or candy or jewelry or Hallmark cards. (Though if you really want to show me how much you love me, honey, you'll get all of your boxes and bins of stuff out of the family room and guest room and stick them back in your office.)

So this year I am boycotting Valentine's Day.

Who's with me?

*Also way up there, the soap box he got me for our anniversary last year.

I can't give you anything but L-O-V-E, baby

You know what love is? Love is spending the evening playing Scrabble with your wife when you don't like board games -- and there are a half-dozen things you'd rather be doing.
















Btw, that is a photo of the aforementioned Scrabble game, and my last four tiles, which spelled out L-O-V-E. (And because I am sure you all want to know, I won, by over 100 points.)

I L-O-V-E you, honey (even if you won't clean your office and the spare room as my Valentine's Day gift). Happy Valentine's Day.

Memo to the spouse re Valentine's Day

I have no idea if the spouse is planning on getting me something for Valentine's Day this year. And I would not be in the least bit upset if he didn't get me anything*. But just in case you do decide to get me something, Sweetie, it should positively, absolutely, not be one of the following, which, I am sure some woman out there would appreciate (though I have no idea who you are -- and don't want to know), just not me.

First up, the Hoodie-Footie Wild Style Leopard.






















Under no circumstances are you to get me this. Got it, Tiger?

I think you ladies will agree with me when I say WTF?! What am I, eight? Seriously, what grown woman wears footy pajamas -- with ears and a tail? (Hope you didn't have one specially monogrammed for me, honey.)

Thanks, but no thanks, Pajamagram.

Next on the Valentine's Day no-no (or should I say non-non?) list, the Sexy Little French Maid outfit from Victoria's Secret:






















While I have been known to do windows, I will not be doing you if you get me that outfit. Comprenez, mon amour? (Seriously, I think Victoria's Secret needs to set up a "Mistress" and/or "Role-Playing" section on their website.)

Finally, while I love a good hard salami, I do not want to get one for Valentine's Day, even if you throw in flavored cheese and fudge.





















Okay, I believe my work here is done.

*Though a little dark chocolate mousse or a moist piece of chocolate cake with raspberry filling would be nice.

A brief Valentine's Day gift guide

Only one month until Valentine's Day, people! Though I apparently missed the memo announcing that Valentine's Day had been renamed Make a Porno Day. For what other explanation could there be for giving gifts like this "Sexy Little Valentine" from Victoria's Secret:


















I don't even know what this is or where one is supposed to where this -- maybe Halloween? (In case you were wondering, the lower bit is actually a thong -- ouch -- and the heart wand comes with.)

Or this little (and I mean little) number from 2(x)ist's Love Me line? (Also, what is it with heart-shaped balloons in strategic places?)


















Full disclaimer: I saw the Love Me briefs and trunks on the TODAY Show and was "this close" to buying the spouse a few pairs, until I visited 2(x)ist's website. I love the spouse dearly, and think he's in pretty good shape, but I don't think I could have kept a straight face seeing him parade around in a bright red banana hammock with the words "Love Me" printed across them.

What happened to giving the one you love flowers, or chocolates, or jewelry -- or a vacuum cleaner -- for Valentine's Day?

I pug you very much, Valentine

Considering that today is also the start of the 135th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, I felt this funny Valentine* was particularly appropriate. (As many of you have long suspected, this blog is going to the dogs.)

















Don't like Valentine's Day? Well, I've got just the thing to cheer you up, this video of three pugs doing the infamous "pug head tilt."



Sadly, no vacuum cleaner for me this year (though the spouse did ask if I wanted a new one), nor flowers (because the cats would just eat them and break the vase, and get water and glass all over the place). Instead, the spouse gave me a lovely heart necklace (to wear next to my heart), before he dashed out the door at 6:30. (I gave him new pajamas. I know: so romantic!)

Wishing you a happy Monday, from my heart...

*While I love this pug Valentine, last year's funny Valentine's Day blog post contains my undisputed favorite Valentine's Day ad. (To see the ad, click on the link.)

My funny Valentine

We all know that Valentine's Day is a "Hallmark holiday," a conspiracy among greeting card makers, florists, confectioners, and jewelers to guilt men into buying a l'il somthin' somethin' for their little sugar love muffins during the winter doldrums.

And, okay, I'll admit, I love getting flowers (even though the spouse won't buy them anymore since the cats eat them, drink the water from the vase, and wind up sending the vase and flowers crashing to the floor, typically within 24 hours) and a small box of really good dark chocolates or dark- and white-chocolate-covered strawberries (hint).

But the real reason I have come to like Valentine's Day is JC Penney, or rather JC Penney's brilliant and funny "Doghouse" ads. Here's the latest Doghouse ad, titled Return to the Doghouse.



That Return to the Doghouse ad totally cracks me up.

Too broke or too jaded to buy your sweet pea some sugar this Valentine's Day? Give her a compliment instead, one that is heart felt. As I like to say, a compliment costs nothing, means everything, and lasts forever.

So with an open heart I thank you for continuing to read my blog and wish you all a very happy Valentine's Day...

Can't figure out what to get your guy or gal for Valentine's Day this year? Never fear, J-TWO-O to the rescue!

Forget the flowers and the chocolates and the Hallmark cards this Valentine's Day. Instead, how about getting a little creative?

Like how about a little "personalized erotic fiction" -- that you can instantly mail? Yeah baby. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout. ; ) And so, apparently, do the people over at HoochyMail, "the first internet service that allows you to create a thrilling, explicit erotic fantasy about yourself and your special someone, doing all sorts of exciting and sexy things, in all sorts of exotic and interesting locales!" (Which, in my house, would mean me watching my spouse vacuum the kitchen floor. Ooo, I am getting hot just thinking about it!)

Or maybe your special someone would like a pair of personalized panties or briefs. In which case, click on over to Blume Girl, which makes custom underwear for guys and gals (as well as babies and dogs).

Or what about a cute pair of PJs for your dream girl, guys, from Pajamagram? (Sorry guys, perky breasts not included.)

Or for you geeks out there, how 'bout some "Proximity Based Geek Lovin'" in the form of the ThinkGeek 8-Bit Dynamic Life Shirt?



(The spouse actually got us the shirts a couple years ago, but I am ashamed to say we have yet to wear them.)

Or to help stoke those erotic fantasies (see "HoochyMail," above), how about giving her (or him) some luscious chocolate-covered strawberries? Mmm mmm, that looks tasty. (And remember, dark chocolate is good for you!)

Just can't be bothered? You can still give my favorite gift, which lasts a lifetime (or at least a few minutes) and costs nothing: Look into your loved one's eyes and say "I love you."

UPDATED AT 4:20 P.M.: Commenter "Kay the Jeweler" thinks my last suggestion is a cop out, which it is. So may I suggest, instead, you get your beloved a nice poster for Valentine's Day?

Nothing Says "I Love You" Like...

The Eureka Cordless Quick-Up floor sweeper. Brings a tear to my eye just writing about it. (Sniff.) If that ain't love, I don't know what is. Yes, I was not-so-secretly hoping for a cast iron frying pan (nothing says "I love you" or "Stop snoring!" like a gentle tap on the head with one of these babies). But a cordless sweeper comes in a very close second.

For those of you who have known me for a long time, you know what I think of Valentine's Day (which shares the same initials with "Venereal Disease," probably for good reason). But I may be softening in my old age.

To be fair to my spouse, who really pulled out all the stops this year, I also received a lovely arrangement of spring flowers from ProFlowers ("from your biggest WFAN" : - ). Thank you "Craig" for the discount! And he bought us his and hers t-shirts from Think Geek, which for some reason I am unable to upload here, so you'll just have to click on the link. (The title of the page is "Proximity Based Geek Lovin'." Need I say more?)

For those wondering what, if anything, I did for my man: I got him a card about farting and a commemorative Giants Super Bowl XLII t-shirt in red with a matching mug. (I thought about getting him some other stuff, but we already have plenty of beer; he had pizza with some buddies last night; and some things should just be kept private. ; )

Clearly, love is in the air -- not just here in Fairfield County but in the Republic of Congo, where a bunch of intrepid, voyeuristic scientists have been spying on gorillas doing the nasty. The big news here: "Gorillas have been caught on camera for the first time performing face-to-face intercourse," [my italics] which apparently got Thomas Breuer of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology very excited. "It is fascinating to see similarities between gorilla and human sexual behavior demonstrated by our observation." To this all I can say is, Honey, where have YOU been? You really need to get out of the jungle more.

Love -- or more accurately, sex -- has even penetrated the usually staid freelance job listings I receive each week, which included these two little gems: "Are you an ex-stripper who wants to share your story?" and "Are you a Swinger that wants to share your story?" I think these two kids need to hook up, don't you?

And now I hear Katie Holmes may be pregnant again. Really, how much more "love" can one petite person take in one morning?

I am now off to the gym to work up (or off) a good sweat.