It's a funny thing.  I cannot treat this space like Twitter or Facebook.  I have too much history here and too much respect for the old blog.  I also have way too much hate for social media.  Twitter in particular.  Facebook killed blogging.  Twitter brought it to a Jerry Springer level.  What dumb shit can we tweet out to everyone/anyone in 140 characters?  No need to be able to read, write or express ourselves with even a hint of education or intelligence.  Twitter's defenders no doubt would champion it's "social-media-grass-roots-protest-this-that-or-the-other-thing" bullshit.  But at the end of the day what have they produced?  Hashtags, retweets, followers and....what? 

I would suggest this.  Try writing.  Try writing more than one hundred and forty characters and try writing more than your average Facebook "friend" will bother to read without some dumb meme about cats or cancer.  And three,  five,  seven years from now read what you written.   Does it make you feel something or does it put a giant question mark over your head?

Resurrection?

Lately I have found myself wanting to write. Just the usual nonsense of my life these days. Stories about getting buzzed by a hummingbird, jumping two foot nine on my horse or how chicken thighs are so delicious and simple to cook. I might even rant about my problems with Bear. That sort of nonsense.

As well as the other stuff.

Like thinking it won't be long before my dad has been dead longer than I knew him.
Or those strange nightmares I have where I am lost on a train or trapped at the top of an impossibly high bridge or lost in the bowels of an old haunted building.

But then I want to write about things simply to document the moment. The purest form of the weblog. For example, I would write how when I saw The Killers on Sept. 4th, I lost my mind with absolute joy when they played Read My Mind and This Is Your Life. And how I'm pretty sure I was in musical ecstacy when they got around to All These Things I Have Done.

Or how second hand smoke pretty much ruined a weekend away at Las Vegas for me and how I realize that makes me I giant puss but I don't care because cigarette smoke in nasty and makes me want to kill people.

But then I might use the daily rambling to detail the evils of a run-on sentence. Who knows.

Whatever the reason.


I think I might be back.

I'm 37 now. I celebrated my birthday in paradise. We just got back from a week in Maui. Spent the first three days with my cousin and his wife. Lots of fun, lots of laughs. Saw humpback whales from the shore which was quite amazing. At one point there were four about 150 yards from the beach as we watched from our lanai. The sun was setting. It brought me to tears. They were everywhere. We could hear them singing while we snorkeled at Black Rock. Came across the octopuses in one bay. I got smacked down like a rag doll by the ocean in another. Hiked along dragon's teeth and walked an old, zen-like maze.

Home now and it's good. I missed my bed, my cats and my horse. It's spring and the air is getting warm.

It was a year ago tonight I read his eulogy. I dreamt about him and my father while in Hawaii and woke up crying. I tried to run away from this anniversary. It followed me and that's fine. I have come to accept and have gotten used to my brother being gone. What's left of my family is what's so difficult to deal with. We are in pieces.

Well, yesterday was the big race day, my very first half marathon. Many thanks to Becky for coming out to cheer me on and to Jeff for running it with me. Physically, this race was the hardest thing I have ever done. The first eight miles were easy, almost fun but by mile nine I was beginning to crash. Around mile ten my knees and the bottoms of my feet were complaining, loudly. Mile ten also brought a nice, cold head wind to run into. That lasted about two miles during which that time the complaining in my legs and feet turned into serious pain. At mile twelve I was out of the wind but heading up one last hill before the finish. Those last three mile were agony and a torrent of emotions. I did accomplish my goal which was to run the entire thing without a single stop. It was a real struggle to keep going at times.

Today it's been a year since my grandmother died.

Thanks to the wonders of the internet and Coda's PtHA registration papers I located his original owner. A very friendly woman named Jane who was more than happy to provide me what I was looking for....baby pictures.





She also sent me a photo of Coda's sire (father) and dam (mother).

His papa is the black and white paint, his mom the bay mustang. I guess he used to go by Cloudy. A very short version of his Dancing War Cloud registered name. He sure was a goofy looking bugger! All legs, knees and hocks.

Oh and on the half marathon training front, yesterday I ran eight miles for a total of 19 logged for the week. My training has me running four times a week with a big run on the weekend. This week I run 3 - 5 - 3 then 9 on Saturday. Go me!

Why is it that the only time I feel compelled to do a year in review post is when I've had the most shit year ever? I keep asking myself that question and the only reason I can come up with is because if I take it month by month, or even week by week....the same year that on first glimpse seems the most horrible ever can on closer observation, turn out to be one of the best. For me 2007 was just such a year.
It was tumultuous to say the least with the main events being losing my brother and grandmother. Those events having occured so close at the beginning of the year, colored most of the remaining months. But not to the point where I could not find happiness in other things. It will always be the year I lost Jimmy. He was so much more than my pain in the ass, loudmouth brother. He and I were close since we were kids and typing this, realizing yet again he is gone is difficult to say the least. 07 will be the year my family splintered in the aftermath of those loses. The worst part being, none of it was over money or inheritance but over misunderstanding, stuborness and an unwillingness to see things through some one else's eyes.

January was both good and bad and summarily a hint of the year to come. The good being I'd gotten my shark tattoo retouched and was enjoying my newfound love of running. The bad being my aunt had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer the month prior. She made it through the surgery very well & faced six months of chemotherapy. Bil came home to stay and care for her.

February was all quiet on the home front with the exception of me campaigning HARD for a horse of my own. I pestered, argued and wrote up ridiculous cost analysis spreadsheets. At the end of the month Jeff gave me the green light to begin horse shopping. Needless to say, I was beside myself with excitement.

March was a nightmare in every sense of the word. Lost my grandmother on 03/17, turned 36 on 03/24 and lost my brother on 03/31.

Nervous breakdown? - Check.
Family a complete mess? - Yep.
Inabilaty to cope? - Absolutely.

April - not much memory of it which is probably a good thing. Due to talks of a potential new job for Jeff and relocation to London I put my horse search on hold.

By May I was getting better. Almost a year prior I had planned to run the Bay to Breakers 12K road race in San Francisco. I flew out for a long weekend and had an absolutely wonderful time. I visited Andy & Barb, kicked around the city and ran the entire 7.5 mile run without stopping once. That race was a real high point of my year. Lucky for me, there would be others.

June was a mixed bag for me. I was running myself ragged in what seemed an effort to keep myself so busy I was unable to think about my brother. That was when I was dubbed "Goodtime Charlie" by Lisa. Andy & Barb came to Boston for a week so in addition to throwing them a grand party at my house, I attended two Red Sox games and a Stevie Nicks concert. Did I mention this was all in the span of one weekend? I found myself crying at the drop of a hat and having panic attacks. I was having trouble sleeping and couldn't eat. I got real skinny though which if you're going to have a slow-burn nervous breakdown (which is what I came to call it) you might as well get something out of it.

At the end of June and the beginning of July I jaunted off to Aruba with Beth, Becky and Barbie. Among our four days in paradise we spent two straight days of doing absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing but sitting on the beach and cooling off in the ocean. It was someting I needed more than I could possibly know.

In the meantime our potential move to London evaporated so my horse search was back on. Little did I realize how short it would be!

July we had our annual BBQ which was fun as always despite the um....incident with the fireworks shooting off into the woods instead of the sky. No one was hurt and no fires started so it was all good.

Tuesday, July 31, I played hookey from work and drove out to Belchertown, MA to meet this cute, Paint gelding named Coda.

Three days later he backed off the trailer at my new barn in Sudbury for my two week trial to see if he was "the one." As fate would have it, August 15, Jimmy's 39th birthday, I told the seller I wanted to keep him and on the 17th we passed papers. I was officially a horse owner.

August was incredible. Coda and I were getting to know each other and I was loving every minute of it. I still cannot believe he is mine.
At the beginning of the month, Becky and I saw Chris Isaak which is an annual tradition of ours and much to our extreme delight, he signed autographs after the show. I shook his hand, he signed my t-shirt and called me wild child. I think the two of us squealed like little girls all the way home.

My aunt, having gone through months of chemo with flying colors was declared clean of cancer. Spectacular, spectacular news. But now Bil was to go home to LA. He was back on the west coast by the end of August.

September was more riding for me as well as my first taste of jumping with Coda. On the 29th I went on my first off site adventure with him in the form of a hunter pace. I was a nervous wreck, he took it all in stride. In the end we both had a blast.

October I threw Jeff a party for his 40th. Lots of food, beer and fun was had by all....even the man himself. I also went on my second hunter pace which brought me my very first competition ribbon. I also ran the Firefighter 10k on the 21st for the second year in a row. Next to Bay to Breakers, that is my favorite race.

November I bought a series of four jump standards, a couple gates, coops and wood rails. The next thing I knew Jenn had me jumping them in a gymnastic and then a short course. At this point, I was pretty sure I'd lost my mind.

December was the usual craziness with holiday shopping, parties, eating, drinking, etc. Oh my, what number is that on the scale? Shit! Christmas itself was difficult as my mom's house never seemed so empty.


2008?

Back in March, just a couple days after Jimmy died, Jeff and I were talking about anything and everything as we usually do. He had just registered for Iron Make Lake Placid which he is doing this coming July. We spoke of the race and how I'd really come to enjoy running over the course of the year. I've said this in a post before but one of the reasons I love to run is because I can.

I run because I can.

We joked about maybe doing a marathon together someday. Maybe even Boston, who knows. I wasn't sure how serious I was about 26.2 miles. But then I think about my brother and how precious and short this life is. If I want to do something, now is the time. So I've started running again. And I've signed up for this. I't not a full marathon, but I have to start somewhere eh?

Here's to 2008.

Well winter hit New England a little early and a lot hard this year. Tons of the white stuff all around but I must admit, it looks lovely. Popped by the barn to say hi to my most excellent horse today and took a little video. It may take a bit to load and it's not all that exciting but it's a quiet little Merry Christmas from me & Coda to you.

:)

Click the picture of Coda & Fudge to view.

Yeah so a week later I get around to telling you folks this...I FINALLY WENT TO A PATRIOTS GAME! Woo-Hoo! Jeff and I went to the Pats vs. Eagles game last Sunday and man-o-man we had a blast! Jeff is friends with a guy who has season tickets and he and his wife were not going to be able to make the game. Needless to say I was psyched when I got the "do you want to go?" call. Not surprising, I was at the barn at the time. :P
Seats were club, on the Pats' side and at the 50. Need I say more? Yeah it was cold and those giant-sized Harpoon IPA's didn't help but we bundled up good. It was a nail biter of a game too. We didn't have time to plan an actual tail-gate but we did have a beer in the parking lot!

I love foot ball.

Nicknames I have given my horse Coda:
The Big Man
Big Foot
Oh Ye of the Giant Head
OhMyGodYouAreSoCute
Fuzzy (now that his winter coat is in)

Things I say to him when he is being a five year old (ie:being bad):
Don't be a jerk!
Stop being a butt!
Why are you being a noodge?
Quit it!
Put that foot down now!
ILoveYouButYouArePissingMeOff!

Cool things about him that make me happy:
After a ride he lets me give him lots of hugs. Any other time he's is too busy "dancing" as I like to say.
When I take his bridle off, he shakes his head like a dog shakes when it's wet.
He enjoys having his chin tickled.
He's the perfect size for me but everyone thinks he's BIG.

Things I love best about him:
His willingness and trust in me.
He doesn't have a mean bone in his body.
9 times out of 10, he does what I ask.
Sometimes he comes when I call him.
He is mine. :)

dream

I am running in Dorchester. An easy jog along Adams Street. There is some road work being done at the intersection there but I hop over the scarified pavement and turn left down Gibson. There's a Dunkin Donuts where the gas station used to be and I decide to stop and get a coffee. With a fist full of coins I wait before a linebacker of a man behind the counter addresses me.

"Do I know you? You look familiar."

"Maybe, I used to live around the block on Parkman Street, name's Mansfield."

"I know your brother. You don't want the coffee here, talk to the guys at the police station."

Station 11 is just down the road so I follow his instruction. There are two men in white hard hats standing outside, they are working construction and hold picks and shovels.

"You're here for coffee?"

"Yes." I say and show them my palm filled with nickles and dimes.
"Throw your money away. Go down there," they point to a wide alley with shrubs on either side, "you'll be glad you did."

I toss my coins aside like throwing seeds to a bird and run toward the alley. I am exuberant. I played here as a child. I hop over low fences and climb over tall ones. I jump a half dozen at least before I come to the last. Once over it I am no longer myself. I am a child but more than that. I am my mother as a little girl. Here I find pictures of my mother's brother. He died in 1992 and was my mother's only sibling. I look at them and cry, he looks so young in the photos.

The dream shifts in an instant. I am myself again and am riding a bus with my mother and brother Jimmy. I know he is going to die and that this is the last time I will see him. I cannot tell him this. I look around, the bus has huge windows all around and we are sitting at the very rear. It pulls to a stop and Jimmy gets up and heads out. I watch him, unable to speak. I see him through the window, his son Mason is waiting for him at the stop. He lifts him up in his arm and begins to walk away. At this point I am sobbing uncontrollably, knocking on the window and calling to him but he doesn't hear. The bus rolls away and my mom and I openly weep, the passengers sitting on either side of us oblivious.

It's my gasping for breath that wakes me. I was crying in my sleep and the heartbreak I was feeling becomes all the more real after I open my eyes. My crying rouses Jeff who pulls me into his arms, whispering it was just a nightmare. But it wasn't a nightmare. I saw my brother and now the pain of losing him is a fresh as it was that Saturday in March.

I've been a horse owner for three months now and I still find myself thinking "I have a horse! How the @#$!% did that happen!?!" Coda and I have been having a great time. Jenn has been working our butts off at our lessons and we jumped our tallest vertical yet at 2'3". Not high at all by horse standards but a mountain to me as I was cantering up to it. We also had a couple milestones pass this month. First off we went on our very first solo trail ride. Just me and the Big Man. Off in the woods on our own. It - was - fabulous. It's a short ride, maybe a half hour loop and right across from the barn. And it's almost impossible to get lost in there if you keep to one side of the bridge. We had a terrific ride with no spookiness or mishaps. Every day that passes I realize more and more what a great horse I have.

So, onto milestone #2. I went on another hunter pace this past Sunday. This time with Claire. She has owned her horse Sierra for 12 years and they go on paces and judged trail rides all the time. We did the Leap Frog division of the pace and what do you know, after an hour and twenty minute gorgeous trail ride, followed by a delicious chilli-dog for lunch, followed by just some nice down-time standing in a field with my horse while he grazed and we waited for the results......Coda and I won our very first ribbon. 10th place overall in our division. Needless to say I was a total goofball about it and yes, it is in fact now hanging outside his stall door.

Have I mentioned I love him?

Alright, I know it's been awhile. Apologies for the delay goes out to my one reader.

Hunter pace was an excellent time despite the fact we almost couldn't go. The night before the ride I met up with Carol at the barn. We were going to groom our horses and pack up the truck and trailer so we'd be ready in the morning to head out. I'd just finished giving the big man a brushing and was picking out his hooves when what do you know, the shoe was missing from his left foreleg. No shoe, no hunter pace. You can't ride a horse around with a shoe missing, it can cause all sorts of problems. Especially on the type of ride we were about to do. Completely bummed we scrapped our plans and I headed home. I got a call from Carol less than an hour later suggesting I call Jack, my farrier, to see if he'd come out in the morning to reset the lost shoe. It seemed like a long shot but I left him a message anyway. A couple hours later while Jeff and I were enjoying a yummy dinner at Wasabi I got a return call. He'd take care of it no problem. The pace was back on.

I was a bundle of nervous excitement the next morning as we loaded up the truck and trailer. Saddles, bridles, grooming kits, buckets, water for the horses and our own riding gear was loaded into the back of the pickup. Hay nets had to be filled and stowed in the trailer and then on to see how well Coda took to being loaded. His previous owners said he trailered fine, walks right on. But that was nearly three months ago and horses can be funny. My worry was short lived as he stepped up and in. He gave Carol's horse Nugget a sniff on the nose and went right for the hay hanging in front of him. We noted that while Coda was definitely taller, Nugget was most certainly wider when viewed from the rear. The 45 minute ride to Grafton went by quick as Carol and I happily chatted away.

There were already a few rows of trailers parked with horses and riders everywhere when we arrived. My nervousness returned when I saw the first group of riders heading for the start. They were a three person team, all dressed in matching shirts and beige riding breeches (an article of clothing I will avoid at all costs). Their horses were glossy and sporting splint boots and polo wraps. I couldn't help but think of the bath I'd not given Coda the night before since we thought we weren't coming and the poop stains all over his white legs. A moment later I was relieved to see riders in jeans and t-shirts as Carol and I were. There were even Western riders on the field which was the last thing I expected but was happy to see nonetheless. We unloaded the horses and gave them as good a grooming as we could under the circumstances. Coda didn't look half bad, what he did look was a little bored and wanting to put his face to the grass he was standing on. After registering, tacking up and mounting we headed for the start and handed in our card. "Number 61. You guys go out in 25 minutes." Carol and I look at each other. "huh?"
"Teams are allowed on the field three minutes apart, sorry but you have a little wait."
So we walked our horses around, chatting about this and that while taking in the sights of the many horses and riders gearing up.
"Look at him!" a woman says to me of Coda as Carol and I are riding by her trailer, "he's got some attitude!" Not having any idea what on earth she meant by it since he was behaving just fine I smiled and said "Thanks, he's five."
Carol looks at me after we passed "What the heck was she talking about attitude? He doesn't have an attitude!" Ten minutes later as we were walking back the other way toward the start we saw the same woman wrestling with her own horse to get it's bridle on. Carol chuckles to me "Who has the attitude now?"
Before long it was our turn to head out and Coda was happy to have something to do other than walk up and down aisle after aisle of trucks and trailers. In the beginning the trails were nearly invisible and we took a quick wrong turn and ended up off the correct path but soon we settled into a good pace. Carol led for the first half then we took turns. Coming around a small bend in the woods Coda shied to the right with his head up high as a large garter snake crawled across the path in front of us. He didn't freak out, but was keeping an eye on it just to be sure. It wasn't long before we came to the first set of jumps. Some logs and brush set up along the course. At every obstacle there is a route around for the non jumpers and those were the ones we took. My favorite parts of the pace were the open fields. The trail leads you out of the woods and across and around the perimeter of a large field. Here we would let our horses canter or gallop depending on the size of the area and if there were any other riders in front of us. At one field we came to there was a photographer taking pictures of all the riders in the pace. Coda had one eye on him to our right and the other eye on the jumps in front of him to our left. A pair of coops painted to look like brick walls and something he's never seen in his life judging by his reaction to them. We were not about to go over them but he was still doing his best to stay as far away as possible. He was so distracted I had a terrible time getting him to canter and that's the picture the photographer captured. Me with a grim face and Coda looking confused. Oh well. All in all the ride was fantastic, I had a great time. We didn't win any ribbons but that wasn't what we were there for. Coda decided to put up a fuss when we were loading them back on the trailer to go home. I think he decided he'd rather stay on that huge field of grass and eat until the sun went down. We eventually got him on but now I know I have something new to work on with him. Doesn't matter, I still adore the silly bastard.

This Saturday Coda and I are going on our first off-site adventure. The two months I've had him, he and I have been out on the trails quite a number of times. Heck just tonight I was out with Carol and Kirsten again, what fun! There really is nothing and I mean nothing compared to cantering your horse through these gorgeous woods at this time of year. Although the shorter days are a problem. And today was nearly 90 degrees! Crazy. Anyway, back to the upcoming adventure with the Big Man. Carol, and a few other ladies at the barn, regularly go on hunter pace rides. They each have their own two-horse trailer and pair up for a full day ride. For more info on what a hunter pace is, see below. Now Coda and I have done a small amount of jumping. All in all, very low-level and sometimes unexpected! For example last Saturday. I had brought my mom out to meet him and was having a lesson in the ring. We were supposed to trot over a series of elevated poles but he decided he'd rather jump them. And jump them again, and again! Even after quite a bit of cantering he still wanted to jump! At first I was a bit freaked out but then I realized (after about that third time) that I kept my seat and didn't feel like I was about to fall off so I relaxed a bit. Still, to rather jump than trot? I gues those supplements are working! Silly horse, but I love the breath out of him. And again, back to the pace, Carol has a trailer and she and I are heading out bright and early Saturday. I anticipate it will be a good experience for us. He is so mellow I don't expect anything crazy but will try to be prepared just in case. Hopefully we won't come to any water crossing (silly hope) because he *hates* water. It's something we have to work on and train him not to be afraid of. Considering he just turned five in June, I really don't have a problem with the fact he has some issues. He's still a baby! In any case we are going to register as Hill Topper or or Trail Blazer because neither of us plan on doing any jumping on this particuar pace. I expect in the future I will attempt some, but for now I just want to take him out and try something new but nothing too crazy.

I know I've already said this a bunch of times but.....



I love him.

Ok, two things. First, how did it get to be September already? That whole time flies when you're having fun shit got to go. I'd really rather it slow down. And second, I love my horse! Right, now that I got that out of my system, some quick news before I plow into barn talk. TJX re-hired me as an associate on 08/20. Granted it's a pay cut from being a contractor but it's a significant pay raise from my former associate salary and one I didn't expect they'd give so good for me. I've actually begun to decorate my cube with shit from home so I guess I plan on staying.

So a couple weekends ago I took my niece Zoe out for her birthday. She turned 11 in July so yeah it was a bit belated. I've always sort of admired her from afar since I'm terrified of kids. I've never babysat any of my nieces and nephews. I'm just not comfortable around children, at least not until they can talk, eat and go to the toilet on their own. Anyway I feel a special bit of kinship with Zoe not only because she's Jimmy's daughter but because she looks like me the poor girl. But then, she looks like me because she looks like Jimmy. And this reminds me of a somewhat funny (but tragic at the time) exchange I had at work about a month and a half ago. Way back in early March before my entire world changed my cube at work was a blank slate. No pictures, no plants, figurines, etc. Ok, I had one lone calendar but that was it. Anyway, after my brother died I pinned up a photo from my wedding. It's a picture of my three brothers with Jimmy in a tux because he walked me down the aisle. A co-worker was chatting with me about this, that or the other thing when she noticed I (finally) had a picture on my cube wall.


"Who are they?" she asks.

"My brothers."

She leans in to take a closer look then points at Jimmy.

"Wow! He looks just like you!"

"Yep."

"I mean, you don't look anything like the other two."

"Nope."

"Wow, are you guys twins?"

"Uh...no..."

"Because you look *so* much alike! He's not younger right, he's older than you?"

"Uh...."

"How old is he?"

"Um, he's 38. He's my brother who died in March."

(pause)

"Oh! Uh. Gee. Um..."

"Don't worry about it."


On the one hand a I felt bad for her, on the other....she was working with me when Jimmy died. So she knew I lost someone, I guess she just forgot. But getting back to Zoe. I worked myself up into a nervous wreck the night before I was taking her out. What if she didn't like me? What if she thought I was boring? What do we talk about? She wants to be a vet so her mom suggested I take her to the barn to meet Coda and hang with the horses. She was very excited about it. We weren't in the car five minutes before all my silly fears were alleviated. We talked, and talked, and talked! She is a terrific person and we had a blast. Before we hit the barn we went to the bookstore where she only very reluctantly let me buy her any books she wanted. Then we went to lunch. When we got to the barn, the owners were having a bbq so there were lots of kids running around. Coda being like a big dog and loving attention had about five kids at his gate petting him. Needless to say, Zoe was psyched when we went up and took him out. She was the envy of most of the kids there and was super with the horses and absolutely adored the Big Man (aka Coda). We groomed him, tacked him up with lots of carrots in between then I helped her onto his back and led her around the riding ring. She did fantastic. And you will never guess what the first thing she said to her mom when I dropped her off.

Mom, I want a horse!

D'oh!

SOTD thanks to Bry!

Some new pictures from this weekend...


Peeking into an empty barn.


Oh my god I love him!


Hanging with his girlfriend Sky.

So, tomorrow morning it will be official. I'll be a horse owner. I'm meeting with Coda's seller to pass papers and check at 8am. The past two weeks I've had him on trial during which if I thought we wouldn't do well together, or if the vet came back with some not so good news, I could opt out of buying him. It's a little like the home inspection contingency when you agree to the P&S. Funny thing, in this case the vet had a couple issues with my horse. He is calf kneed in the front and has a weak hind end. Yep, my horse got a weak butt. The vet would not have had a problem so much with these faults per se if Coda's asking price was lower. So, I talked with his seller, told her what the vet said (a vet she knows and respects) and they dropped the sale price considerably. I'm happy, Jeff is happy, my trainer/instructor Jenn is happy and I think Coda is happy. The vet said he has a great mind and excellent attitude. His feet are great as were his flexion tests. I'll be proactive and start him on joint supplements, get him shod and work him up and down hills and do lateral exercises to build his strength. He is, as everyone at the barn says, a great guy and terrific first horse. I absolutely love the silly bastard and tonight we went out on our first trail ride together. The place I board him is a mere 15 minutes from work and home and right across the street from tons of trails and horse friendly park land. The barn is also home to the most friendly, laid back horse folk I have ever met. I went out tonight with two ladies. One named Kirsten on her Paint mare Taya and Carol on her Appy gelding, Nugget. They were so patient and kind with us I must have said thank you a hundred times. The Big Man was a little nervous this being his first time out in unfamiliar territory but he did GREAT. Okay, I was a little worried at first when he wouldn't walk between a couple boulders and we had to go around through some shrubs instead to get to the road. And this was just at the back end of the property! Then he balked at crossing a wood bridge but with a little soothing and encouragement from Kirsten and Carol we got over it. I have him a big pat and lots of praise. Aside from that, he was terrific. No spookiness, no rushing or prancing. I love him. On the way back he got right on and over that bridge like it was just another bit of dirt trail and then he walked between the boulders no problem. He really is a good boy. And I a very, very happy girl.

On a bit of a down note, yesterday was Jimmy's birthday. He'd have turned 39. It's been nearly five months and it still doesn't seem real.

Right, I have old news for those near and dear to whom I've already told, but for those of you still reading this godforsaken blog here goes; I bought a horse. Let me repeat that....I BOUGHT A HORSE!


For that reason and that reason alone I am going to try to get back to this site. There will no doubt be lots of interesting stories to tell being a first time horse owner. Well, interesting if you like horses or like watching a novice try (screw up) new things. Either way, enjoy! Now, without further ado, here he is. My gorgeous regististered Paint gelding. Standing at 15.1 hands high and at only a mere five years young. The half quarter horse, half mustang big man himself. Coda! (also known as Dancing War Cloud to his fancy registered friends)





I LOVE HIM!


:)

And for the glutton who wants more pictures, click here, or here, or here and maybe here.

You'll never guess what I've been doing.

Horse shopping! And my god, it's fun. Not to mention nerve wracking. My horse is out there somewhere, I just have to find him.

Why start writing now? I've ignored this space for months and it's unlikely to have any visitors. It doesn't matter, visitors or not I need to write. There is so much inside trying to get out it's almost overwhelming. A word I have found too much occasion to use lately.

March 11 my grandmother went into the hospital never to come out again. Heart, lung & kidney failure put her on immediate life support. During the week she spent at St. Elizabeth's she was never conscious and her condition went from bad to worse. Her wishes in respect to her condition were well known and on Saturday, March 17th I stood over her bed with my family as the last rites were given. I could not watch her die despite assurances that she "was comfortable." What I did see didn't look comfortable, it was death after all, and it looked more like suffocation. It was horrible and at the time, I thought I would have handled it better. A quick lesson to learn, there is no right way to handle it. She was 76.

The following week was busy with funeral arrangements, wake and burial with my birthday capping it off on the 24th. The week after that was busy with emptying my grandmother's apartment, filing paperwork and cancelling utilities. My sister and I turned in the keys the morning of March 31st and I headed home hoping things might get back to normal.

That's about when my world completely fell apart. I wasn't home an hour before I got a call from my sister. My brother Jimmy was dead. Thank god she had the foresight to tell me to sit before she broke the news. The laundry in my arm fell to the floor and I was right behind it. Jeff was beside me in a moment, getting info from my sister who was still on the phone while holding me as I wailed in hysterics. We were in Dorchester within the hour where we met my brother Billy. My other brother Robby was on vacation down the Cape and we had yet to get a hold of him. My sister had not yet returned from the apartment Jimmy lived. My mother was still at work. How were we going to tell her? What do we do? My sister picked her up at work but in the five minute drive home was unable to tell her what happened. My mother knew something was wrong when they pulled into the driveway. Why else would we all be there? In the end it was Billy who spoke the words to her and what happened then will forever be burned in my brain and heart. It was like a scene from a movie, every moment in slow motion. Every second an age of agony, disbelief, heartbreak and one thread of hope that it was all a bad dream we'd wake up from. So much grief it was too much to bear.

Four days later we waked him in the same funeral home as my grandmother. I don't really do much praying but in the car on the ride over, as my heart ached and my stomach turned, I kept one phrase on continuous loop. "God give me the strength to get through this." I'm not sure if he did, but I did get through it, although not without injury. It was the single worst day of my life. Bar none. Far worse than when my father died and by a degree I didn't think was possible. I came to many realizations during the course of the night not the least of which was my brother, as a friend of mine put it, "left quite a footprint." The place was packed with friends, family and acquaintances. So many faces, hugs and expressions of sympathy and love it was again, overwhelming. Another realization I had was to never underestimate an individual's capacity for cruelty and self-righteousness. I also found a strength in myself I didn't know existed when I refrained from letting said person know exactly what I thought of her, her opinions and her unforgivable behavior towards my mother. I experienced lost time, love, hate, betrayal, support, generosity, fear and regret. I realized what it feels like to have a nervous breakdown and the vast expanse of emptiness you come to when your body decides you have had enough.
That night I fell in love with my husband all over again. He truly is the best man I have ever known. I also told every one of my friends I loved and adored them, which I do, with every ounce of my heart. I read a eulogy for my brother during which there was so much love and sadness in the room, the air felt thick. Jeff made everyone laugh at the end by giving out nips of Yager and lead a toast to my brother. After the wake we went out with friends who had come and ended the night on as high a note as we could.

My brother has been gone 12 days. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever recover. He was a part of me and now he's gone. Other days I feel nothing. A numbness that is both frightening and a blessing. I've had nightmares and trouble sleeping but am getting better bit by bit. I was suffering from irrational fear and found myself clinging to Jeff like a tick but now I am back at work and not panicked by an upcoming trip he has to take to London. I am, as I found when my father died, learning to live with it. Grief is funny that way. I remember back then equating it to a hot, heavy blanket thrown over you when you least expect it. A quick punch in the gut. This time it was a Mack truck hitting me at full speed. A machine that wrung every last drop out of me like fists twisting water out of a dish towel, until I had nothing left.

Soooo....Pats lost to the Colts. Whatever. I'm over it. My big problem was with how one of the announcers was so obviously anti-Patriots. I mean, come-the-fuck-on!!! At least try to sound objective you douche. Arg! As for my prediction for Super Bowl. Bears will stomp the shit out of the Colts. Okay, fine!...it's more of a wish than a prediction. How's this? I predict on the Super Bowl, I will have a house full of people, have had too much beer to drink, will have eaten too much fried food and will be content no matter what?

I think I'll be okay with that.

I have a ton of resolutions for the new year. Drink less, eat better, take vitamins, run more, try new things...etc. I think "post to your goddamn blog" should be added to the list. I don't know when or why but my interest in writing anything down has completely deserted me. Not to say there's nothing going on, quite the contrary. My life is er....interesting...as usual. Some things are the same; family is still effin' crazy. Work still annoys the piss out of me. Still riding at the barn though not so much as I used to. I don't ride Baron anymore. Someone else is leasing him which is fine by me. He's a good horse to ride but he's got the personality of a goat. I ride a gorgeous little mare now named Blaze. We have a good time. Been quilting and have graduated to more complex designs. Christmas brought a 50" plasma (and HD) to our little world and our little world is oh so crisp and clear now. There really is nothing like a Pats play-off game in front of the thing. It's sick. On the "trying new things" front, this Saturday I'm having a boxing lesson. Yep, you read that right....boxing. A couple months ago Jeff installed a heavy bag in the basement. I have only just discovered the sweet, sweet joy that comes from smacking the shit out of the thing. We'll see how it goes. Oh and last week I got my 10-year-old, faded, shark tattoo redone with blue waves added to the design. Check it out!

When I sleep, I almost always dream. From the bizarre to the mundane, in color and in black & white. Hell, I once dreamt in animation. Depending on how I wake up and if I was dreaming when I woke I may or may not remember them in great detail. This morning was one of those times when I was in mid-dream when the alarm went off and for whatever reason, the song on the radio woke me gradually so I didn't snap into consciousness. In the dream I was standing in my old house with my brother watching a baseball game on tv. Except instead of people, the players were giant, tropical fish. Fancy-tailed goldfish, convict cichlids, angelfish and gouramis all moving through the air as though swimming in water. Their bodies about the size of a SmartCar and sparkling with brightly colored scales. They were pretty good players too. I watched for a minute then said to my brother behind me, "Giant fish playing baseball. You know, if you'd never seen it before it would seem kinda weird."

Jesus Christ it's almost December. How the hell did that happen??

I just want to say thank you to Bryan and Karlyn for hosting such a gorgeous and fun wedding. The fact it was in Maui helped make it gorgeous and the fact I was surrounded by good friends (and a bit of family) made it beyond fun. It was a spectacular time and I am honored to have been a part of it. Thanks again guys, I adore you both.

Hawaii was just as beautiful the second time around. I made sure to get in the water as much as possible. Swam with many honu and even a white-tipped reef shark. I loved every moment of it and was absolutely one of the quickest weeks of my life.

Finally got back to the barn this past Sunday after a nearly three-month hiatus. I rode a new horse named Grizzly. A sweet, furry, bastard without a bad bone in his body but used to getting his own way. As a result, I am sore as hell now but happy to be back in the saddle, I've really missed it.

Jeff went back to London for another two weeks on November 26th. This trip has been easier for me to handle than his first stint in October. Could be because after his first two weeks away I finally got used to sleeping in the house alone. Or it could be because this time his work is flying me over to visit him this weekend. I'm still amazed at the entire thing. I have a company car coming to pick me up at 4pm Thursday and I fly out to London that night. I'm there until Monday morning when they shuttle me back home. We're staying at the Stafford which is on St. James and just across from Buckingham Palace. Hopefully I'll get the bulk of my Christmas shopping done while I'm there. I think I've done more travel this year then in my entire life! Very exciting.

I got a call from my brother this week. He told me he is being evicted today. My "it's not my fault" mantra isn't making me feel much better. I'll keep repeating it though.

I went to the dive store on my lunch break today and bought my snorkel gear for Maui! I can't believe our flight is only a week away. To say I'm excited doesn't quite cover it.

My brother is having problems again. He's behind on his rent and says he's facing eviction. This happened last winter and my other brother and I helped him out. Billy set him up with an apartment and I lent him $550 to get in. I had no expectation of ever seeing the money again although he said he'd pay me back. He did not. Sunday he called and asked if I could lend him $2800 to keep from getting kicked out. I feel ill just thinking about it. Despite all the warnings telling me it was a bad idea, I agreed to help him. But then he asked I not tell anyone. He followed this up with some half-hearted lip service about going to AA, getting a job, etc. I knew he was lying to me. I went so far as to move money from my savings account before calling Billy and telling him what was going on. I'm not going to give him the money and told him as much yesterday. I don't know what he's going to do or if I made the right decision. I can't believe he put me in this position. But then I am not surprised at all. If it were less money. If he'd not asked me to keep quiet about it. If he had not lied to me I probably would have done it. But I just can't. I can't.

Happy Halloween bitches!




SOTD is from RCCW's latest. Go buy it here. You will not be disappointed. And if you are, you suck.

Jeff left for London tonight. His job sent him for two weeks and he'll probably go for another two after Thanksgiving. I don't care where he is gone to or why, I only know I don't dig being alone at night. Maybe Ellie will let me borrow one of her giant dogs.

Give me a fucking break!

School Bans Tag

ATTLEBORO, Massachusetts (AP) -- Tag, you're out!

Officials at an elementary school south of Boston have banned kids from playing tag, touch football and any other unsupervised chase game during recess for fear they'll get hurt and hold the school liable.

Recess is "a time when accidents can happen," said Willett Elementary School Principal Gaylene Heppe, who approved the ban.

While there is no districtwide ban on contact sports during recess, local rules have been cropping up. Several school administrators around Attleboro, a city of about 45,000 residents, took aim at dodgeball a few years ago, saying it was exclusionary and dangerous.

Elementary schools in Cheyenne, Wyoming, and Spokane, Washington, also recently banned tag during recess. A suburban Charleston, South Carolina, school outlawed all unsupervised contact sports.

"I think that it's unfortunate that kids' lives are micromanaged and there are social skills they'll never develop on their own," said Debbie Laferriere, who has two children at Willett, about 40 miles south of Boston. "Playing tag is just part of being a kid."

Another Willett parent, Celeste D'Elia, said her son feels safer because of the rule. "I've witnessed enough near collisions," she said.

Copyright 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

John Mark Karr is on Larry King Live tonight. Why?! Do we really need to hear what he has to say?? Creepy-ass motherfucker. Fuck you Larry King and fuck you CNN.

I watered my plants, cleaned out my closet, then picked up my paintbrush.

Can I just say I detest stretch jeans. A pox on the inventor of them! God forbid a female want a pair of jeans that fit. I want my jeans to FIT!!! No stretching, no spandex woven into the fibers, no bloody, buggering, breathing room! If I wanted comfy pants I wear sweats. ARG!

Yeah, it's been a while. What can I say? Work sucks and it's got me stressed out. Up until two days ago they hadn't paid me in nearly seven weeks. And to top it off I got the official word last month that the job I went for way back in June was a no-go. Gee, thanks for finally getting around to telling me. Was that so hard? And in the meantime, could you just pay me please? I am so sick of not getting paid.

I can't say I'm sorry the summer is over. Fall is my favorite season after all. This one especially is going to be spectacular. One wedding in the White Mountains of New Hampshire and the other on the white sands of Maui. Life is good. I've been running and riding although neither as much as I would wish. Work manages to piss me off or keep me late so by the time I get out of there all I want is the couch and a beer. (NOTE: after typing it all out, I just deleted an entire hate-filled work rant. Trust me, you don't want to hear it.)

All in all it's been a good summer. I went on another beach ride on the 9th which was incredible. There were eight of us total, I on my Baron. The weather was gorgeous and the beach lined with campers and RV's packed with families looking to make the most out of the last weekend of summer. One of the things about going on the beach ride which NEVER gets old for me is the reaction we get when people see the horses. They stop whatever they are doing, stand up, wave and take your picture. It's like being royalty. I must have had my photo taken at least a dozen times that day, it was a blast. Unfortunately two folks fell off that morning.....and er...fortunately I was not one of them. But I did take a spill at a lesson the week before. It was pretty funny actually, I'll have to post the details soon. And I just know you will be looking forward to it!

:)

Hello, hello, hello! I'm sorry my posting has been few and far between, it's been a busy Summer that is barreling toward a busy Fall. I pretty much have all my weekends booked from now until mid November. After I get back from Maui (yeah for the second time!) late November, I'll have no idea what to do with myself.

Before I go anywhere I just want to give our new kitty the attention she deserves. When I posted her picture in June I didn't say much about her. In any event, say hello to Penny. aka....Miss Money Penny, Penny Candy, Scooby, Squeek & Squirrel. This little girl has more names than Feya and Bear combined. I started calling her Penny because for awhile that's all she was playing with. A penny. She'd pick it up, carry it around, drop it someplace she thought interesting, bat it around a bit then repeat. With a naming convention based on things she likes to play with, she could also just have easily ended up Dead Leaf, Fly or TinFoil. But I like Penny, it suits her. She has a thing for curling up in this bowl on the table and strangely enough, I have no problem with it. She is a great little cat and I have become extremely fond of her. I also have no problem admitting I didn't want to keep her initially. It was Jeff who wanted to make her a part of our family. When we were fostering her litter I thought she was whiny as well as sickly but Jeff persisted and am I ever glad he did. She has turned out to be quite the character and she gives Feya and Bear no peace, which is good for them.

My latest foster family is doing very well. I refer to the kittens as snaugages because of how rotund they are. As you can see they are getting very big. Their eyes are open and they are beginning to walk. They all had their checkup today and the vet pronounced them healthy...which is what i suspected all along. :)

Anywhoo, time for my much-hated re-caps. Yesterday, I upped my "going for a run" mileage from five to seven. Me. Seven miles. I can hardly believe it myself. Running that far when there was no promise of endless pints of free beer seems a road to nowhere, if I can borrow from the Talking Heads. Amazingly enough, my legs and knees feel fine so far.

In barn news my silly, copper, horse had been out of commission for about a week due to a thrown shoe. Normally a horse can lose a shoe with no problem, but not Baron. He had to twist it in such a way a farrier (blacksmith) had to be called to take care of the problem. So, Sunday I was finally able to ride him and we had a great time. Tonight while grooming him I found a nasty stone stuck in his shoe (same foot of course) and it took a bit of work with the hoof pick to pry it out. I didn't think it would be a problem but as soon as I was in the saddle a problem is what I got. He's favoring his right foreleg again. I was bummed because as much as I love just spending time giving him a good scratch on the neck or whithers (and seeing him tilt his head just so because he is enjoying it so much) I love riding him. I know that horse and trust him. We have fun together. While he was lame and I was riding other horses in the barn I came to a couple conclusions. One, just because a horse is beautiful and well trained doesn't mean he is right for you. IE...Fev. I love that horse, but I'm only 5'3" and he's just WAY too big for me. Second, there really is nothing to compare to the feeling of "knowing" a horse. I know and trust Baron, it's something I don't even have to think about anymore and with horses that goes a long way. Funny thing is despite the fact he likes to test me sometimes, I never get nervous...I never worry because I know him and I know he's not going get me hurt. Well, not on purpose!

June 13 - I submitted my resume to a job posting on craigslist. An hour later I got an email asking if I could do a phone interview that afternoon, which I did.
June 14 - Follow-up face to face interview with an understanding I'd be sent a project to test my design & development skills. The project would be sent when I got back from vacation in five days and I would be paid for my time.
July 7 - Project is finally sent to me, contact also indicates how much I will be paid to work on it.
July 14 - I submit my work.
July 24 - I email contact asking the status of the job.
August 2 - STILL NO WORD.

I am a very patient person but I am officially pissed. What does it take to send me an email to let me know what is going on? Did I get the job? No? Fine, just tell me so. Still interviewing potential candidates?? I won't be devastated to find out, please just let me know. Hiring process hung up in the useless pit that is HR? I understand! What is so hard about this? Why is it that in this day and age of easy and instantaneous communication do companies insist on keeping job seekers in the dark? It would take approximately 30 seconds to write a note to let me know if I should be wasting my time wondering if I got the job or not. This is BULLSHIT!!!

*sigh*


At the very least the fuckers owe me money.

It's like Africa hot!

Last week I got a new foster from the shelter. A very sweet and very pregnant calico named Anna.



Yesterday she gave birth to four, gorgeous little babies!

I'm a nature lover, I really am. This may seem insincere coming from someone who hunts varmints but it's true. When Jeff and I first moved to Framingham I immediately put up bird feeders to attract the local feathered fauna. It wasn't long before the usual suspects arrived; black-capped chickadees, cardinals, mourning doves and the very cute tufted titmouse. When our first spring came, I was shocked to see a bright yellow and black bird vying for a spot on the feeder. Born and raised in Dorchester, my first thought was that someone's canary got loose. It turned out to be an american goldfinch. In time he was joined by other birds I couldn't identify so Jeff bought me a field book of local species. Since then I've logged (mentally - I don't actually keep a bird book) a wide variety of birds observed at the feeder or in the trees. I've even had the privilege of seeing a pileated woodpecker. A gorgeous black bird the size of a crow with a great red crest on it's head.

Birds are just a small part of the wildlife here in the boonies. There is a good share of amphibians as well. I've caught (and released) tiny red newts, pebble-skinned toads and beautiful grey tree frogs. The sound of the peeping frogs fills the air during the summer nights and they are not the only ones calling in the dark. Lying in bed with the windows open our first summer, Jeff and I awoke to the eerie cry of coyote. I still get chills when I hear them. Then there are fisher cats, red-tailed hawks, foxes, and, of course, the ever present white-tailed deer. We have a bit of a love-hate relationship with the deer. We love seeing them out in the back yard, we hate seeing what's left of our shrubs after they've had a good graze. I've come home at night to a herd of four or five of them feasting on the arbor vitae in my front yard. And were they ever happy when I planted that row of azalea. There are countless products on the market that claim to keep them from eating everything in your yard. One of them is concentrated coyote urine. Supposedly, the scent of a predator keeps the deer from getting cozy in the treated area. When I found this out I told Jeff he needed to pee on the shrubs immediately. Man being on top of the food chain I figure that smell will keep everything away. He informed me he'd already peed on the shrubs.
"But the deer are still eating everything in our yard!"
"Oh!" he says with a silly grin, "you want me to pee on the shrubs in our yard!"
Then he laughs at his joke and at me for believing he'd taken a whiz out back. One of the reasons I love the man so much is he's always making me laugh. Just last week there was yet another deer in the back yard. "Goddamnit!" I grumbled as I watched it nibble something along my beautiful bank of ferns, "Jeff! Go chase that deer!" And what do you know, he did. I never saw anything in such a befuddled panic as that deer when Jeff bounded out of the house screeching like a deranged monkey. With a flash of it's white tail it disappeared into the woods while I laughed my ass off from the comfort of my living room.

I promise I'm going to stop with these bullshit recaps and actually post something substantial soon. But in the meantime, a recap!

Cheap Trick in Atlantic City was awesome. I snared five more of Rick Nielsen's guitar picks to add to my collection. Show was great but the venue smelled vaguely of cat pee. Tres bizarre. Larry David of Curb Your Enthusiasm was in the audience and Becky and I spied a couple celebrity chefs while sauntering around the casino. (Bobby Flay and Wolfgang Puck). Ride home through NYC was hell on earth but we survived.

Then it was Madonna at the Garden in Boston. She was phenomenal! And her show had a bit of a horsey theme so I was geeking out. Seriously though, she's an incredible performer and that concert goes into my all-time-great file. Mock me if you dare.

Sunday I had my very first 10K race. That's 6.2 miles for those of us who have no clue how to convert the metric system. Note I said "those of us" and included myself. I'm an ignorant bastard too. I placed 344 out of 594 finishers and ran a 9:54 pace. Slower than usual but I was taking it easy on purpose. I've gotten to really love running the past few months. (let me just say I'm amazed I just typed that sentence) It clears my head. There's something to be said about pushing your limits with no-one there to keep you honest but yourself. Jeff was talking about perhaps training for a marathon. He wants to qualify for Boston. Hrm...

In job news I've got a couple of bites on positions I've applied for and I turn in a project tomorrow as a follow-up to an interview I had last month. Fingers crossed on that one as horse ownership is always in the back of my mind. Sorry Love!
Speaking of jobs, Jeff has a new one. I'd try to explain to you what he'll be doing but it would make my brain hurt. His new title is like three lines long and he'll most certainly be travelling to London "on business". And to think, when I met him he was a humble (but lovable) speaker salesman! He's still pretty lovable I think, humble? Not so much. ;)

Just another day at the barn.

Baron in anticipation of carrots.


Baron chomping on yummy carrots.

Becky and I hit the road tomorrow for a quick jaunt to Atlantic City to see my most favorite band ever, Cheap Trick. They're playing The Borgata Casino tomorrow night so we're doing our classic hit & run. Check in tomorrow, check out the show, check out Saturday and drive home. And ya'll thought I only traveled for Duran Duran!

:)

SOTD is a track from their new album Rockford. Go buy it now!

Bring it on varmints.

Click the picture for more! I love love LOVE it.
We still have some finishing details to take care of like the shutters (black), new light fixtures on the front and back and grills for the garage windows. Jeff gets to put new storm doors on as well. :)

Oh yeah, our foster family went back to the shelter for adoption. Before they left I managed to get one picture with nearly all in the shot.



And of course, we kept one.



And just for fun, a picture of Bear. Yes, that is a Chiquita Banana sticker on her massive tummy.

Someday I'll post something non-work, barn, quilt or running related. But that day won't be today folks, sorry. Oh wait, it will be today! But I'll post work, barn, quilt and running related nonsense too.
Our siding job is finished!



Now if only the rain would stop so the painters could get started. And let me just say having no gutters during the rainy season sucks.

In work news, TJX hasn't paid me since April! Yeah, Jeff...I know you're sick of hearing me bitch about it, but I kinda think it's a valid bitch point. Fuckers owe me nearly six grand. I could buy a third of my horse with that money! Speaking of, my lease expired on Baron the end of May. That same week there was a lady in looking to buy him. If it weren't for the fact she was 78 and the barn not being keen to sell to a potential hip-replacement lawsuit, he'd probably be gone. Someone else is coming to look him over on Saturday. I told Jeff I wanted to buy him myself. Needless to say, that particular phrase did not go over too well in the Morrissey household. Jeff joked I should offer 10k for him (in a very bad horse-trader-what-is-my-price? accent)....but then...was he joking? ;)
Got another 5 mile run this Saturday. Becky's coming too, she's doing the 3 mile walk portion of it and guess what, it's supposed to rain! Which fucking figures. Jeff and I got completely and utterly drenched last weekend at the Harpoon 5-Miler. And Becky and I got pretty soaked last night at the Blondie concert at the pavilion in Boston. Yay June!
And finally.....my latest quilt project. In honor of Bubby.

766 out of 1217 finishers, not bad. Thanks for running with me Love!

Well, the rain finally stopped and the carpenters have returned. Much progess has been made so here are some pictures!

Side Rear Before
Side Rear After

Front Before
Front During
Front After

Rear of House
And Another

And no, white is not the final color. When it's painted, I'll post more photos!

Oh and today at my riding lesson, I cantered WITH NO STIRRUPS!!! See, that's a big deal for me so pretend to be impressed okay? ;)

Kitten season is upon us! Yesterday we got the call to foster and are now housing a litter of nine kittens. Let me repeat...NINE KITTENS! They are an insane-o troup who are eerily and heartbreakingly similiar in markings to our very first foster family. There is even a little Bubby clone among them (the one in the middle although you can't tell from that photo).
We've only had them 24 hours but they have made great progress in relaxing in their new environment and tolerating Jeff and I petting, man-handling and loving them to pieces. Click the links below for a few more pictures. By the way, these are not their names, just photo titles.

Trio

Spot

Little Girl

Friendly Boy

Domino

One of Three All Black Kitties

One of Three Boys Who Look Like This!

By the way, I've not posted any pictures of our house re-siding project because ever since we booked the job it's been raining like a motherfucker (and rain = no work done). Seriously, we're about to build an ark already. I have a couple pictures but I want to wait until I have a scope of the entire job before I post them and we're weeks away from that.

Okay, Pearls Before Swine is officially my new favorite comic strip.

Wow, May. How'd that happen? Anywhoo, I seem to have fallen into the dreaded "I should write a post but I'm too damn lazy" funk. I got all sorts of crap to talk about but no ambition to type them out in an even remotely readable form. (as I aptly demonstrated in that last sentence) The topic of a lot of the stuff I'd nearly written involves working as a contractor at TJX. Things I have been meaning to write about but am too damn lazy are:

The company owing me over a month's pay due to their utter lack of a clue.
The company extending my contract due to people quitting left and right.
How fun it is to roll into work at 10AM and say shit like "My desire to get here on time is directly linked to the company's ability to pay me on time...or at all." And having everyone, including my bosses, agree completely.

I have to say though, despite the fact that on any given week I can be out of a job, being a contractor is great. Along with getting to ignore most of company policy regarding clocking in and out, job tracking sheets (TPS reports) and having to take a lunch break, no one in the place is ever entirely certain what days I'm in so they are always happy to see me. Well that's also because when I am there I work my ass off. But enough about that place as I have other news! Jeff and I are finally having the house resided. Our 30 year old house is covered in rotten masonite and we've nailed down (ha! get it?!) a team of carpenters to come in and tear it all off and replace it with cedar siding. Yeah, we're real-wood siding people. There was no way in hell we were going to wrap up groaty-old, ant-infested particle-board with vinyl. And before any of you folks who've been to my house give me crap like "your place ain't that bad!", please direct your attention to the following picture of one of our window sills.



Yeah, so. The guys should begin tearing the place apart later this week and I plan to take lots of pictures. Whether you see any or not depends on how long my lazy streak lasts. Speaking of streaks, Jeff and I will be running the Harpoon 5 Miler again next month. As usual, I'm in it for the free beer and race t-shirt. In other race/fitness news I am the lightest I have been since I got married. I attribute this to riding five times a week. It's a fact people, horseback riding *is* a sport and my legs ache ALL the time, but in a good way. Since I so nicely turned the subject to riding, now onto barn news. I renewed my lease on Baron but he's going to North Carolina sometime around May 7th. He may come back, he may have a new home there we'll see. Our new trainer took a job in NY so Katie & Jamal are taking over lessons again. With the warm weather now here there's a crop of new faces going through the Learn to Ride program. It's fun to see how excited folks are about it, reminds me how far I've progressed and how much I still love it. Last week Jamal labled me an advanced beginner. Not advanced chicken or advanced at sucking but advanced beginner. I was happy with that...next stop..intermediate or something.

:)

From Saturday, April 15th..

Have you ever dreamt of doing something your entire life? Something held on from childhood daydreams only to be passed into adult life and perhaps stored under "that will never be me." Today my dream became reality, a brand new experience I will remember for as long as I live. Today I rode a horse at a full gallop and not only that, I did it well and was not afraid. Yeah, this is a horsey story...read on if you want the complete narrative.


Today we took the horses to the beach. The weather was predicted to be very warm (72) and sunny, as good a day as any to let the horses stretch their legs after a long winter. I brushed Baron until he shone like copper, tacked him up and loaded him on the trailer. I was giddy with nervous excitement. I'd not been to the beach since last November when I rode the 18+ hand Majesty and got dumped a half hour into the ride. But I knew today would be different. I was miles from that timid rider on an unknown mount. Today I was on a horse I knew and more importantly a horse I trusted. The hour and a half ride down to the Cape passed quickly. The morning clouds had completely burned off by the time we arrived, unloaded and mounted up. A gorgeous empty stretch of sand greeted us and the cold Atlantic had been warmed to a tropic blue. Our horses snorted and side stepped a few suspicious looking logs and beach debris before settling into a relaxed walk. After a little while we spied a sand bar that would be perfect for our first canter. Riding on the sand is good for building up strength in the horses legs and feet but it's still important to keep a eye out for proper footing, you don't want it too rocky. Our first "easy canter" quickly turned into a gallop when the two lead riders took off. Not wanting to be left behind, Baron's canter sped forth with a clatter of his hooves on the smooth beach stones. I'd never ridden a full-out gallop in my life. I don't really know how to put the experience into words except to say I cannot stop thinking about it and want to do it again! When he put his neck out and started to run I let him have the rein, got up off his back and tried to absorb every moment. The wind, ocean and sky, the spray of salt and sand, this beautiful and powerful creature carrying me. I felt no fear. It was a moment in my life, a perfect and unique experience, I will cherish always. We galloped up and down the beach over the course of the afternoon. I laughed out loud at one point when my horse dropped down to a canter. Baron tired!! I gave him a big pat with both hands on either side of his neck and told him what a good boy he was. His ears flicked back toward my voice, he was having fun too. In that moment I knew I was meant for this. I had overcome the fear I had when I began riding in '02. Fear and doubt had gotten me to quit for nearly two years before my dreams compelled me to go back and get it right. And boy did I ever!

Okay, I'm going to give you folks a real post soon but I just HAD to share this. It's a little past 8am and I'm doing my morning email, check weather and news crap on the internet. Jeff is off work today and sitting on the floor in the living room. He is surrounded by boxes, bags and stacks of papers, trying to sort through FW's medical bills for the tax guy.

Among little grumbling asides and comments he begins to sing.

(to the tune of "Close to You" by The Carpenters)

"Why do birds suddenly appear,
everytime you are near?
Because they're vultures,
and you have
the smell of death on you!"

I'm still laughing my ass off over that one.

Pretty isn't it. Unfortunately this is not a photo from winter. I just took that picture a minute ago and it's gotten even whiter out since.



This kind of weather is especially intolerable after you've had a few days in the 70's.

I found out yesterday I'm probably going to be out of my TJX contract on the 27th. Needless to say I'm a bit bummed. Doesn't look like I'll be renewing my lease on Baron next month. But I hadnt' really planned on it being long term anyway. I just wanted to be able to put in a solid month of riding in an effort to improve my abilities. I rode five times last week and my back is not thanking me for it. Feeling quite melancholy today. Could be the weather, or the impending change in my job status. Man those are some big, fat, feathery flakes coming down out there. I wish I could get a decent picture of them. They're crazy beautiful.

Some of you know I celebrated my 35th birthday last Friday. What some of you may not know is what I gave myself for said birthday. Allow me to introduce to you, my (leased) horse!

Say hello to Baron, and pay no mind to the goofball on his back.

:)

Saw Spamalot last night. It was absolutely, freakin' fantastic. If you have even the slightest chance to see it..GO!!

I turn 35 this month. Not that it matters because I'm already an old lady. I've been quilting lately. I finished an amish star kit that Becky gave me for Christmas and have begun a new kitty-themed quilt.

Speaking of kitties I just got back from a visit to the animal shelter. It'll be kitten season soon and I'm on the list to foster. It shouldn't be long before we have a new herd of furballs running around. I've been having a bit of a problem in the meantime though. One day a week for the past few weeks I've been popping into the shelter to drop stuff off and visit with the animals. Last week when I walked into the cat room I came face to face with a six month-old, female kitty who immediately reminded me of Bubby. Funny nose, loud purr engine, similar size, shape and markings. So many reminders in fact I felt tears welling up in my eyes. She'd just come into the shelter the day before and would be held for ten days before being put up for adoption. They do this because she was a stray and who knows, she could be lost instead of abandoned and her owners might turn up. Being impulsive and emotional I put my name down on an adoption application. I am number one on the list. I told Jeff about her and we went back the next day so he could see her. Unfortunately it was Saturday and the "hard-sell" lady was manning the cat room. That plus my new friend was more interested in napping in the corner than showing Jeff what I had seen. Being an excellent man, Jeff went back again on Sunday while I was at the barn to see if he could get an idea of her personality. But this time she was roaming the cat room and more interested in hiding than people. After talking a bit about it, I decided I'd pull my application. Something I planned on doing today when I went for a visit. Today is the last day of her "hold for 10 days" status and tomorrow she goes up for adoption. Tomorrow being Saturday, the busiest adoption day of the week, and she being incredibly sweet I know she will find a home fast. But I haven't pulled my papers yet. After visiting her today I cried all the way home from the shelter. Why did I want to adopt this cat? Because she reminds me of Bubby, who I miss terribly. Is that fair to the cat? No, but a big part of me...a big selfish part of me....doesn't care. That part of me that still mourns Bubby would take any comfort it could get. What can I possibly hope to gain by bringing her home? There will be a cat in my house who for all intents and purposes would be a Bubby replacement. From the corner of my eye she would look like her, her personality at the shelter tells me she would act quite a bit like her...but it wouldn't BE her. I'd be fooling myself and again, I know it's the wrong reason. I need to let her go. I know this but Christ it's still so hard.

Last night at my riding lesson Katie said the following to me:

"Now I want you to dig your heels in and gallop down the straitaway. I want Indy looking like Seabiscuit!"

Indy is a "heavy" horse. Not heavy in weight or size as he is no draft horse but heavy in his sides. This means the cues you give him with your leg and heel will take more pressure than they would on a "light" horse. That being said I don't think I actually got him galloping last night. Or if I did then galloping feels just like a canter, only faster. Could be. One thing for sure, it was fantastic fun. I can't wait for spring and the warm weather to come. Beach ride season!

Oh yeah, I completely redesigned and built out the barn website. They got me cheap at a month of free riding but it was more fun than work for me. Also, I did most of it while in the office. Hee hee.

Boston Equestrian Center

Before she had the surgery that would remove a quarter of her leg, I visited my grandmother at the hospital. She was on the fifth floor and the kind folks at the reception desk directed me to take the elevator which was just down the hall to the left. I took the stairs instead. I knew I wasn't getting to the Y that night and health care experts are always going on about how every little bit of exercise you get counts. I really wasn't thinking about the stairs on that level though. I took them not to burn off a few calories but because I am able. I can skip up five flights and not think much more of it. My grandmother cannot but then she's been beyond getting up stairs on her own for years now. The thing is her age and diabetes are only part of the problem. In all my life I can't think of single instance where I saw her move at anything other than a walk and as a result she has carried extra weight her entire life. It's gotten me thinking about my own health and that of my family. My mother is near to going down the same road as my grandmother. Worse though since she smokes. She used to walk the mile or so to and from work but she's had a car these past few years and now drives instead. My sister has a condition called Ehlers Danlos (type III) and has had surgery so many times I have lost count. Needless to say her mobility is limited. She used to play ice hockey but she can't skate anymore because her joints are a mess. And then there's Jimmy. He has zero use of his arm due to the stroke and his leg doesn't allow for anything other than walking. My brothers Robby and Billy are both healthy and active. Robby has to be being a fireman and Billy has been obsessed with fitness his entire life. My own obsession began a few years ago. There's just no living with an Iron-Man in training without picking up the exercise bug. I started with a yoga course and it sorta just snowballed from there. Now I have my aerobics and step classes at the Y. Run little 5K races here and there and ride horses twice a week. Not to mention taking those stairs whenever I can. Most of it began as an effort to lose weight...for vanity not health reasons. Now I look at these things I do with appreciation for the body that allows me to do them. I ride horses for a number of reasons. Yeah, I'm a girl and I love horsies. But it's also a discipline that requires effort and determination to do well. And there's also that mysterious spell it has over me. I have to do it. I go to step class not only to burn calories but because it's fun. It's the closest thing I get to going out dancing these days. (WHY are there no decent dance clubs for the over 30???) And I run little road races for the free beer and t-shirts. Beneath all these reasons is the simple fact I do it because I can. Use it or lose it people, no joke!

We got about a foot and a half of snow yesterday. Of course it being weather I had to take a mini movie of it. Enjoy.

Oh and I'm back to updating the SOTD when I post. So technically it's not the song of the day anymore, more like song of the post. Whatever. Bubby's been gone for two months. Seems like forever.

Sometimes, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

And then sometimes life is like an angry chimp at the zoo with a gut full of beans and a score to settle. You never know what you're gonna get, but it's gonna be shit. And for the past five months or so that fucker has been flinging poo at me. Sometimes I've been down, sometimes up. Not to mention furious, desperate, broken and overwhelmed. Funny thing is throughout it all I've been able to keep in touch with the simple fact that despite it all, I am blessed. I live a very good life and 90% of the time I am a very happy person.
Yeah, my brother is still struggling and will probably be evicted at the end of this month. My grandmother not only lost her foot but her entire leg up to the knee. I can't get my mother and sister to think (or plan) past their next paycheck much less down the road into their future and I still miss Bubby like crazy. But even as these things play up, down and out I'm okay. This is life after all and it can't always be sunshine and rainbows despite what the pharmaceutical companies would have you believe. Yeah, I could get a pill for what ails me but pain and sadness and worry and stress are all part and parcel with joy, happiness and contentment. If you don't feel sadness how can you know joy? Sure I often shake my fist at the sky and mutter "fucking Universe!" but I also look at Jeff and think "Wow, I hit the cosmic lottery." So yeah, I'm okay...I'm happy and to top it off I staged a brilliant coup at work this week. Wednesday was to be my last day but late Tuesday I found out my project manager was freaking out because the company had nobody lined up to take over my work (what little of it there is). The folks in systems had no contact point for site updates and the guy I thought was going to take over my tasks apparently flatly refused to have anything to do with it. So I did what any kind-hearted and responsible person would do. I took full advantage of the situation. I offered them two days a week in-office for twice my current rate. And they took it.

Yeah, life is good. Especially when the monkey runs out of shit.

Quick update since I've been neglecting this place.

My new foster family goes back to the shelter Friday. I'd been pretty mum about this little group. I knew in a day after bringing them home there was no Bubby among them. I'll keep looking though. The long and short of the experience has been this: fostering five kittens is easier than fostering two with their mama. Hopefully my next group will be kittens only, or a pregnant moma. Fostering kittens from birth would be nice.

My riding lessons are going great. Yesterday I spent pretty much the entire lesson at the canter. Things are starting to click and my confidence is rising. But there was sad news at the barn as well, beautiful Phantom died. He was 23 and died out in the field.

I gave my notice at work. There was only so much sitting around doing nothing I could stand and after six months my tolerance meter finally pegged. And when I say doing nothing...I mean doing fucking nothing. There is no work for me, especially since they shut down the e-comm sites. I'm going to work for Mark. God bless you man. I hope you are doing okay.

My grandmother's back in the hospital. She had to have her toe amputated (circulation problems due to poor care of her diabetes) and she may now lose the entire foot. The words "nursing home" have now been spoken. I really hope we don't have to go down that road just yet.

My brother, who seemed so hopeful after coming out of rehab has fallen off the wagon. I'm not sure if he was ever on it actually. I'd been spending some time with him on the weekends. Helping him get his apartment set up and looking like someone lives there. Hanging out, going to the movies. I really thought he was on his way and maybe able to turn his life around. He called me Saturday to apologize. Friday night (after spending the early part of the evening with my other brother) he went out, got wasted and drove home. Before he got there though he was picked up by the police for DUI. He's lost his license (as this is not his first offense) and he's also lost hope. He's very bitter and tired of 'living life as a drunk cripple". I don't know what to do. I can't help him...he won't help himself. I worried he may try to kill himself. What do I do?

Saturday after talking with my brother I drove to the church I was married in. I wanted to sit in the place where I once felt with absolute certainty that there was indeed a God. All the doors were locked so I sat on the stairs outside. Just being there made me feel better.

This is what I did at my lesson last night. It's a dressage test. The chart below represents the riding arena which is marked on all sides with large letters (as shown). I had the test memorized by the end of the lesson, Katie was calling out the instructions to me at first. I think I got through it once without screwing up completely.



Begin trot at E (yellow dot), turn at K/A down center line. Turn at C/M across to E. Begin canter between K and A, canter 20 meter circle. Continue canter to B then transition back to trot. Turn at C/H across to B, pick up canter between F and A, canter 20 meter circle and continue to E and transition back to trot. At C transition down to free walk (free walk = loose rein, use legs not hands), turn at M and continue free walk to E then take up reins, continue walk to K, transition up to trot as you turn between K and A and down center line. Halt at X.

December 29th I drove to Baypath Humane Society on my lunch break. I was bored off my rocker at work and had some stuff in the car I wanted to donate to the shelter. A big bag of Science Diet Indoor cat food Feya and Bear refuse to eat and a bag of kitten formula I'd bought for Bubby in an attempt to get some weight on her. I also wanted to give them a monetary donation and make sure my info was still in the foster book. I've been to the shelter a number of times since I released my foster family to them (sans Bubby) 13 months ago but those were quick visits to drop off the odd carrier for donation or other dog and kitty goods. Today I had a more particular mission and little did I suspect the outcome. After bringing in the bags of food and handing over a check I asked Blair if she remembered me. The Franklin litter? I prompted. The five of them were FeLV positive? Yes! She remembered them, the sweetest kittens ever. How was Bubbs?
I explained to her what happened. We both teared up a bit, I had just gotten to the point where I could speak it and not blubber like a baby. "God bless you for trying the chemo", she said "but when they have the virus from birth it's a death sentence. I'm so sorry." Hearing this from a shelter worker/vet tech made me wonder what happened at Tufts. Is it policy for the doctor to give false hope? Was false hope given or were Jeff and I in denial from the very start? Even now I second guess myself.
I knew the other four kittens had been adopted by a couple. In the three weeks since Bubby's death Jeff and I found ourselves thinking about them again and again. How did they do? Had any gotten sick? How much more terrible for us would it have been had we kept Fox too as I considered. Or if Jeff's brother had also taken one which was another option that came close to reality.

"Do you know how the others are doing? Are you in contact with their owners?"
Blair looked like she'd rather be somewhere else. "None are left."
I felt my heart break all over again.
"Ann called them the fabulous four." she continued, "They were all so full of life. One day they would be fine, the next overcome with the disease."
And so it was for Bubby as well despite the chemo. Trying to shake off the sadness that was about to suffocate me I asked if they could check my name was still in the book for fostering. It was something I still wanted to do and I figured by the spring kitten season I'd be up to it.
"We have a mother and two kittens in the back right now. They came in this morning."
There was only a moment's pause before I said I'd do it. I just had to talk to my husband, get the room cleaned out, etc. I'd be back after work to pick them up.

Before I went back to work and before I called Jeff, before I left the shelter parking lot even....I had another good cry in my car. This time not just for Bubby but for my entire little foster family. At least now they are together again and that brings me a tiny bit of comfort.

Bubby
Fox
Cookie
Baron
Oreo

I am so monumentally bored at work today. It's driving me nucking futs. I wonder if they'd ever consider making the job part time?

In unrelated news this is what I was blogging about this time last year.
Like Feya - Like Bubby

Fucking universe.

Who are you and why are you here? Are you friend to me or foe? Stranger or kin? Are you here on a lark; brought to me via a sidebar link on some other blog or did you get here by searching? Was it random? Did you google me...or worse, yourself?

Are you here to find out how I am? (exhausted, worried, missing my little Bubby and hating the universe for taking her away from me) Did you come for an update on my brother? (making progress and getting out of the hospital today) Or perhaps to hear me bitch about FW? (why does she suffer this earth to live? why, why, WHY?!)

Or maybe, maybe you are not here for any of those things. Maybe you are here to dig. To sift through my archives month by month in an effort to unearth something, anything written about yourself.

What did you find? An honest but unflattering sentence or two? Perhaps all you found was the very post you are reading. I could be talking about anybody. I could be talking about you. Either way let me be very clear, what I write (and what my husband writes) is non-fiction. If you find the truth hurtful or upsetting and if you find the need to be overly dramatic about it please know this about me:

I. Don't. Care.

This life is beautiful and complicated and destructive and joyful. It is everything we want it to be and more of what we don't. I don't have the energy or inclination to coddle or kowtow to anyone who has a problem with what I write or say. Life is short, then you die and if you're lucky there's someone at the end who gives a shit.