Probably not the best time to take a lunch break

This was the sight from the North Loop in Houston on Wednesday.

That's the building my office is in. Houston Eye Associates spent a bunch of money to have their name placed on top of the building. On Wednesday morning the crew putting up the sign decided to take a lunch break. I'm not certain anyone actually stopped to think about their stopping point.

Practical realities

Overheard in an undisclosed courthouse located somewhere on the outer edge of civilization...

First attorney: Y'all know who Grover Norquist is? He's that conservative guy who makes candidates sign a pledge that they'll never raise taxes. I heard him on the radio say he was in favor of legalizing marijuana.

Second attorney: Just take a look at how much money Colorado's made with it. Make it legal and tax the hell out of it.

Third attorney: It's never made sense that liquor's legal but marijuana isn't. But I don't want to see it legal - I've got three kids I'm putting through college.

Jesus loves me...

There are rants and then there are rants. Enjoy.

H/T The Houston Press

The shredder

There I stood at the counter on the 4th floor of the Montgomery County Courthouse Annex waiting to speak to a probate clerk about some paperwork I needed to file. Then I heard the noise.

It was coming from behind a door to my right. It was loud. It sounded like whatever was making the noise wanted to come through the wall. I probably should have been scared - but I wasn't. Maybe it was that false bravado from watching too many episodes of Man v. Wild and Survivorman.

I asked the clerk what the noise was. She told me, quite matter-of-factly, that it was the shredder and that someone was in there shredding papers. I asked her if anyone had checked in to make sure the shredder wasn't now the shreddee. I had visions of the clerk feeding paper into the machine and it grabbing her and shoving her through the blades.

I swear I could hear it shouting "Feed me!" from that closet. The clerk asked me if I wanted to take a look - but that false bravado had been replaced by my survival instinct and I declined. I took my file-stamped copy of my pleading and left the clerk's office without once looking back.

A big deal

Michael Aigen is a business litigator for Lakey Hershman, LLP up in Dallas. I don't know Mr. Aigen, but based on his profiles on Rising Stars he should be rewarded for doing something that a lot of lawyers can't do - not take himself too seriously.

Here is the blurb from his profile in the 2012 edition:

Michael. Aigen is an ordained minister and one of the founding partners of Lackey Hershman, LLP. Although Michael's a licensed attorney  in Texas,  he is more  known  for  his accomplishments as a dungeon  master (DM) in Advanced Dungeons  & Dragons. His in-depth knowledge of the Monster Manual  combined  with deft handling of polyhedral dice has earned him a reputation as a demanding but just  DM. Recently, he has built on this experience and developed  a cult following as a LARP game master, where he has enjoyed being  outside.

But wait, there's more. Here is the blurb from 2011:

Michael Aigen is one of the founding partners of Lackey Hershman, LLP, a national complex commercial litigation firm. He has first-chaired jury trials in state and federal court and argued before the United States Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit and the Dallas Court of Appeals. He is kind of a big deal. People know him. He is very important. He has many leather-bound books and his apartment smells of rich mahogany.

And, lest you think I'm just pulling your leg about his profiles in Rising Stars, here's his photo from Lackey Hershman's website.

Congratulations, Michael, you are a big deal!

Merry Christmas

In the spirit of the holidays, I thought I'd run this e-mail my dad sent me a few days ago.

In the meantime... go spend some time with your family and friends, relax with a good book, run around in the backyard with your kids or just sit back and recharge your batteries.

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS 

Hi  Sweetheart,
   I am sorry about getting into an argument  about putting up the Christmas lights.
   I guess that  sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want  something.
   I realize that I was wrong and I am  apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy.
   All I  want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season.      Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas  lights!
   I took the time to hang the lights for you  today and now I will be off to go hunting.
   Again, I am  very sorry for the way I acted yesterday.
   I'll be home  later.
   Love you.

Fight the clutter!

I know my desk is in there somewhere...

Maybe not quite that bad, but I think it's time for another good cleaning of the ol' office.

I'd like to buy a vowel, please

If you're going to carve your name in the wet concrete for all posterity -- you might want to get the spelling right.

It is what it is

So which is it?

Is it $10 in the morning...

...or is it $5?

This is the kind of crap people going to the municipal courthouse to fight traffic tickets have to deal with. 

A little in-trial humor

Text message exchange between my wife and I on Monday afternoon after we busted a panel in a DWI trial down in Galveston.

Me: "Heading home. Busted the panel." 

Wife: "Where r u? Panel on your car?

Oh, for the love of Cthulu

It would appear that someone down at the DMV isn't up on their occult studies. The license plate frame is a very nice touch.

You're not going to believe this, but...

Dennis Olivier is a police officer with the Katy Independent School District Police Department (and don't even get me started on the absurdity of school districts having police departments) whose life was fairly uneventful until  earlier this month.

On June 8, 2011, Officer Olivier walked down the driveway to his pickup truck and noticed that a fishing tackle box loaded with an assortment of illegal drugs was missing. He could find no signs of forced entry and surmised he may have left his truck unlocked.

Why, you might ask, did Officer Olivier have an assortment of illegal drugs in his truck that would make a rock star proud? It seems that Officer Olivier is part of a K-9 unit (his partner, of course, being a dog) and the tackle box contained the samples used to train the dog.

The police report indicates the white tackle box with individual plastic bags of drugs was stolen, including: 

• 6.5-grams of cocaine

• 6.6-grams of heroin

• 4.2-grams of methamphetamine

• 6.4-grams of marijuana

• An extra baggie of 30-grams of marijuana

• 3 or 4 prescription pills

To add a further wrinkle to this sordid tale, Officer Olivier told investigators that the drugs were stolen sometime between June 4 (the date he took the drugs out of his patrol car and put them in his truck) and the day he discovered them missing.

The obvious question is why would he put the drugs in his truck in the first place? Wouldn't they have been safer in the trunk of his patrol car? Why did he leave the drugs in his truck for (at least) four days before checking to see they were still there?

Narcotics officers with another police department said the amount of drugs taken is consistent with K-9 training, but the drug-laden training kits are rarely stolen because they are usually carefully guarded and they don't look valuable.   They're also usually stored inside a police car, which is a much less likely target for burglars.

I have no idea whether or not Officer Olivier is telling the truth about the fate of the drugs. I find his story to be very amusing. I also find it very hard to believe.

These are the highly trained professionals that prosecutors parade in front of juries to testify as to how our clients consented to a search or that they smelled the "distinctive" odor of (fill-in-the-blank) drug. These are the men and women wearing badges and carrying guns that tell juries the dog really did signal that there were drugs in the car or that the defendant wasn't walking on the sidewalk when he was stopped.

There's something about Officer Olivier's story that just doesn't add up. I'm not going to speculate as to what happened to the drugs or as to whether or not the officer is telling a fib. I will say, however, that, at best, Officer Olivier acted negligently and, at worst, criminally.

Just think about the snickers you'd get if you tried to sell that story to a prosecutor.

H/T Stephen Dean

Bowling for beer

Hmmm. Silly me, I always thought pints just came in one size on this side of the pond.

Feel free to ignore the alarms

If you're putting up a notice telling everyone it's a fire drill -- just how effective do you think it's going to be?

No word on whether the folks standing by the stairs will practice suffocating from smoke inhalation since they won't be able to reach the ground floor by the stairwells.

Just for the heck of it

 Tattoos? I can take 'em or leave 'em.

Jack's back?

My brain is mush. I'm completely unmotivated. I'd rather be lounging in the backyard with a book a glass of iced tea.

Four days in trial will do that. For four days (plus the weekend) I was focused on one thing. I was listening, writing, consulting, counseling and doing a lot of arguing. I got up at 3:30 Tuesday morning to prep for the final day of trial. I didn't have anything to eat for twelve hours.

Phone messages stacked up. Emails backed up.

On the way home from the island last night I decided to get back in touch with my Irish roots. I needed sustenance of the type found in my ancestral homeland. So I stopped off at that bastion of Gaelic gastronomy -- McDonalds -- and this is what I saw.

The dog ate my homework

"Where's your homework?"
"I lost it, mom."
"Lost it? Really? You expect me to believe that?"
"Yes, mom, really. I left my book on the hood of the car and drove off and forgot about it."

Sound familiar? That's the excuse given by a Teton County (WY) Sheriff's deputy after losing a package containing 29 grams of methamphetamine.

Authorities worked Wednesday afternoon to literally get drugs off the street after a canine handler realized he may have lost about 28 grams of methamphetamine last week along Highway 22.

The canine handler left a black box — which contained the drug and has white lettering that says “METH” on it — on his bumper and drove away after a training exercise in the area Oct. 27, sheriff’s Sgt. Lloyd Funk said.  When the handler, a Teton County Sheriff’s deputy, realized Monday evening that the drugs were missing, he immediately notified his sergeant, Funk said. 

Sheriff’s deputies used dogs to search a small area Monday night and conducted additional searches Tuesday, Funk said.

When Teton County Sheriff Jim Whalen was notified Wednesday afternoon of the loss, he ordered a sweep of the area from Spring Gulch Road to Skyline Ranch, Whalen said. 

More than 10 officers from the Teton County Sheriff’s Office and Jackson Police Department walked two or three abreast in both directions Wednesday afternoon as passing motorists slowed to see what they were doing. 

A female deputy at the scene said officers had not been told whether they were at liberty to say what they were searching for and directed media inquires to Funk.

The sheriff’s office is taking the loss seriously, Whalen said.

“I know that accidents happened and that people make mistakes, but this is a mistake that should not have happened,” Whalen said.

If a person were found with the amount of meth that was lost — nearly an ounce — he would be charged with a felony, Whalen said. The meth was provided to the sheriff’s office by the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency for canine training, he said.

During canine training, the dog is rewarded when it’s done its task correctly, Funk said. When the dog found the drugs, the handler likely began praising it, he said.

“I believe what our officer did was get wrapped up in [praising the dog],” Funk said. “After 10 or 15 minutes of that, he put the dog in the vehicle and forgot the substance.”

The handler trained the dog along the roadside to simulate realistic working conditions, Funk said. 

The intention is to teach the dog to concentrate on its objective despite distractions such as passing traffic. 

Whalen said the sheriff’s office is taking corrective action but that the handler has not been put on administrative leave. 

“He’s a good canine handler. He’s made a couple of mistakes here, and so we’re taking corrective action that this won’t happen again,” Whalen said.

As of Wednesday evening, the box containing drugs had not been found. Whalen and Funk asked that anyone who may have found it or has any information about it call the sheriff’s office at 733-4052 or dispatch at 733-2331.

Let the games begin

This weekend marked the opening weekend of soccer season for my daughters' league. My oldest is beginning her fourth year of soccer while my youngest ran out onto the pitch for the first time on Saturday. As soccer commissioner, or as I like to call it, soccer czar, it's my responsibility to make certain the fields are ready to go every Saturday.

My ordinary routine is to get up before dawn and go for a run around the neighborhood, then wolf down breakfast and head over to the church to unlock gates, put out signs and get everything ready for the morning rush.

There is something uniquely peaceful about athletic fields in the early morning hours before a single player has stepped onto the field. The wet grass, the chalk lines and the flags are all in harmony.

I come back again late in the day to break down the fields and pick up the trash and everything else that was left behind. In the morning there's a feeling of optimism from looking ahead to what promises to be a great day. In the evening it's a tad more somber picking up what's been lost and thrown away.

That being said, there's usually some humor to be found in the evening. This past Saturday I picked up soccer balls and water bottles left behind by the kids (not at all unusual). I also found an umbrella left in the fence (it was sunny and there was no shade on that field). Then I found some odd items: some folding chairs and a fairly new pair of sneakers and socks. I don't understand leaving a chair -- I mean, you were just sitting in it. And the shoes? The strangest find of the day was a set of car keys. How someone managed to leave those laying around beneath the bleachers I'll never understand. I'm thinking walking out to the car and not being able to get in would be a clue that you left something behind.

Well, in that case he is expecting me

Me: Can I speak to Prosecutor X?

Receptionist: Is he expecting you?

Me: Not necessarily. It's about the [Client's name] case. He called me with an offer yesterday and I would like to talk to him.

Receptionist: (After dialing Prosecutor X's extension) He's out to lunch.

Me: Would it have made any difference if he was expecting me?

Receptionist: He'd see you before he leaves for lunch.

Does anyone see a necessity defense coming?

I suppose it's time for a little comic relief at the end of a long week. I can't say that this thought hasn't crossed my mind before -- however I've never contemplated acting on it.

A Cook County assistant public defender who represents convicted felons now has to worry about keeping himself out of jail after being accused of pushing and choking a prosecutor at the Criminal Courts Building.

Henry L. Hams, 47, of Chicago was charged late Thursday afternoon with aggravated battery and resisting arrest after a rare scuffle that sent waves of whispers and startled reactions through the building at 26th Street and California Avenue.

Hams and the prosecutor, 50, had just left a courtroom where a discussion about the routine setting of a future court date became contentious. Still upset, Hams complained to the assistant state's attorney outside the courtroom, according to a law enforcement source.

The prosecutor "apparently said, 'Too bad, that's the date the judge set,' and (Hams) just lost it and shoved (the prosecutor) against the wall," the source said. "He said something about how he was sick of being mocked."

The prosecutor "was stunned and didn't do anything, and the next thing you know (Hams) had him in a headlock," the source said.

Another source who witnessed the incident said he heard a scuffle and saw Hams choking the prosecutor. "He had his hands wrapped around his throat and was just kind of riding him down the wall," the source said.

A Cook County sheriff's department sergeant and deputy rushed to intervene as Hams was alleged to have throttled the larger prosecutor.

"When our deputies attempted to break it up, Hams was on top of the victim choking him with both hands around his neck," said Steve Patterson, a sheriff's department spokesman. "When one of the two deputies attempted to pull Hams off the victim, Hams continued choking the victim with one hand and attempted to resist the deputy's efforts with his other hand."

The sergeant's back was injured, and both he and the victim were taken to local hospitals for minor injuries.

During questioning by the sheriff's office's criminal intelligence unit investigators, Hams, who will appear for a bond hearing Friday, indicated that he wanted a lawyer and said nothing further to them, Patterson said.

Hams works out of the post-conviction unit for the public defender's office and the victim works out of the special litigations section for the state's attorney's office. Patterson said the two only knew each other through legal proceedings.

News of the fracas spread quickly through the hallways. Nobody wanted to talk on the record, but many expressed surprise.

"That guy is like (TV character Steve) Urkel -- he's this little, quiet dude," said a veteran courthouse lawyer, chuckling. "(The victim) is going to hear about this one forever."