Please be Advised...

I am giving online dating another try. I already have enough material to write a book. It shall be a comedy with elements of tragedy, or vice versa. I'll keep you posted. Lord help us all.

Nineteen Pieces of Klou

I had been promising to share myself a long time ago, you know, in writing. Recently, Bob shared some information about himself and challenged me and others to do the same, thereby putting some much needed fire under me. This will be an ongoing project, and each time I'll give it a little spin. This time, I have provided my own response to each of Bob's subject matters, and added some of my own. Without further ado, here are 19 elements of me.


What a way to start this off...

1. I have a dirty mouth. A few of you know about the Lenten Cuss Jar. Rather appropriately, I cannot stand to hear people use foul language in public, to hear people curse in front of children, or worse yet, at their children. That goes right through me, and it's a vicious cycle not easily broken. I love the challenge of making my point under heated circumstances without using a naughty word.

2. I respect the religious choices of others, and don’t care for it when people are critical of other people’s choices. Keep that to yourself and mind your business.

3. Every time I tell a lie, it backfires on me. Example: After Katrina, stressed, lonely, overworked and underappreciated, I matter-of-factly told my doctor I felt like killing my insurance claim adjuster and several people in my office. Yep, I said those words. I knew I would never do that, but he didn’t. I wasn’t concerned about the possible repercussions for the statement, either. It was the second lowest point in my life. Unlike the very lowest point in my life, I didn't have the protection of being in shock. Everything worked my nerves. I was burned out and hostile. After he determined I was no harm to myself (that seemed to be all he cared about - love him for that), my doctor prescribed an antidepressant. After reading the side effects, I decided that wine would suffice in seeing me through this dark period (it’s carried me far beyond that). When I returned for a follow up, I couldn't bring myself to tell him I wasn't taking the medication after all that drama, so I lied. When asked, I told him that on a scale of 1-10, I was a six, where I had previously been a two. He immediately said I should be a nine or ten, upped the dosage and scheduled a follow-up, which would include blood work. I was sure to be found out then. This type of thing always happens when I lie, and I do my best to avoid it.

(I never went back for the blood work. He's still my doctor, a very good one, and is himself a little crazy, which I find endearing).

4. High school was probably one of the most painful times of my life. While there were some good times, laughs and memories, there was also a great deal of pain, misery, frustration, rejection, and never feeling like I belonged anywhere. There is not a thing you can offer me to make me relive one day of my high school years, but it no longer makes me sad to look back on it. Why? 'Cause I'm all grown up and happy now, bitches!

5. You want me to come to your defense very quickly? I'm talking, ready to fight any and everybody messing with you? Let me even think you're the underdog. I will slay a dragon for you.

6. At one time in my life, I was a voracious reader. Not so much anymore. I still read, but not like a mad woman. I’d like to say it’s due to having less free time, which is true, but if I lay off social media I’d be reading twice as many books, at least.

7. I don't care for people who don't (or won't) think critically. It's okay not to have an opinion about everything, but I have little tolerance for those who have no opinion about anything, or for those with a herd mentality.

8. Okay, Bob, I have to disagree with you on this one. My relationship with cats is complicated and I will write about it later. I don't think cats are dumb animals, but dogs are smarter, and I have seen exceptions on both counts. I do love kittens. Once they lose their innocence and become cats, not so much. I have a few scars I can show you, put there by my beloved Toby, while I was petting him, mind you. He now resides with my son. I still don't dislike cats, but dogs give generous, unconditional love, and the extra maintenance is worth it. I am a dog person.

9. I have never witnessed the death of anyone. I imagine it to be emotional, very sad, and depending on the circumstances, possessing elements of beauty. I would be scared to die right now, but I hope when that time comes I’ll go into it gracefully.

10. I am a fantastic shower singer, and actually carry a decent tune. One of my childhood fantasies comes to life during this time and has remained unchanged for decades: I am a singing superstar in a slinky, sequined dress that compliments my caramel skin beautifully (yes, I thought this way as a child), sparkles coming from my fingers, my shoes, my earlobes, and in my perfectly coiffed hair. My top singing fantasies vacillate between this one and the one where I'm Chaka Khan. As a matter of fact, I was Chaka Khan just this morning, but I digress. In my fantasies, so outstanding is my voice it causes the audience to look up at me in awe, with pure loving adoration, and I love them right back.

11. I am true foodie. I love good food like I could love the right man, and no, I will not further this sentiment here. I love to cook and dare to say if I cooked for you, whoever you are, you would want little more than to be my bitch. As I write this, I’m laughing but I’m quite serious. I also appreciate good food made by others. Wine, chocolate, colorful salads, the sweet, the tangy, the savory, healthy, fresh, natural foods, I love it all, and I love some of the bad stuff, too, though not like I used to.

12. I can't say I hate nuns, but I generally dislike them. After 13 years of Catholic schools run by some of the most evil ones on this planet, just seeing a nun’s habit causes me to scowl. Even now, sometimes I’ll have a flashback when I pass one on the street, and think to myself how lucky she is I don't carry around some hot lye to fling in her unsuspecting, whiskered face. Are there good nuns? I am sure there are, and the Blessed Mother Theresa stands alone, but I promise you, I have never personally known a nun who wasn't at least a little evil.

13. I was an extremely sensitive, shy, soft hearted child, especially when it came to animals. I cried for days after seeing The Yearling. I was devastated after seeing Old Yeller. They still hold a soft spot for me, and if I think something bad is going to happen to an animal in a movie, I won’t watch it.

14. The older I get, the less I care what people think of me. I'm real from the very beginning, and quite fabulous. If you don't recognize that, it's more than okay.

15. I am not photogenic, and have numerous complaints about my appearance, even though I'm cute. (Well I am!) That being said, there are certain elements I love about myself, won't embellish on this either.

16. I love cheesy, sappy movies during Christmas; completely out of character for me.

17. I am a very complex person. I'm a girly girl who thinks like a man about some things. Fiercely loyal, sensitive, sarcastic and sardonic. I can be generous with a total stranger, but there are some things about which I am unapologetically selfish. As sweet as I am, I can also be the meanest, coldest woman alive if you wrong me or anyone I care about. I would have no compunction turning my back on you if you betray me. I'm pretty cool natured, yet feisty as hell. Most of the time I feel like I can do anything and I have the world on a string, but there are times when I feel quite the opposite. Fortunately, those moments are few and far between.

18. I have such respect and admiration for intense, romantic, devoted love. It is sacred to me. I have not yet met the love of my life and I’ve come to accept that I may not. The older I get the less I’m willing to share important elements of my life, especially my time. Of course, for the right one I’d think differently. I’ll know he’s the right one because our love will be exponential, spilling onto everyone around us, for that’s how he and I shall roll.

19. I absolutely love funny people because baaaaby, I am one funny chica. Ask someone who knows me, or just stick around.

Well, there you have it. I just shared 19 pieces of me. Why nineteen? It's my favorite number, but I guess this disclosure makes it 20 pieces. Isn't that just like me?

Random Thoughts

My roses are growing beautifully. Well, twenty of the twenty-two, that is. Besides some fertilizer last week, and cutting on Good Friday, I haven't really done anything. I can't wait until I really get in there next week. They were beautiful last year, and I'm thinking this year will be even better. I'll have to take pictures.

I am being pulled in many different directions and it seems everything has suffered. I know I can do it all and do it well. It's just a matter of better organization.

Mr. and Mrs. Jovial had a terrible experience recently, due to their precious children having a traumatic experience while mom and dad were out of town. They never leave their kids, and this happens. I feel so bad for them, but I am also grateful, as they are, that their babies are okay. We are all thankful to God for that. I first found out about the incident from a MyS.pac.e bulletin posted by the oldest child.

I have been talking to someone with whom I have very little in common. We are clicking like you wouldn't believe. Story of my life.

I'm very happy I have family coming to visit. I hope the visit is enjoyable comfortable, relaxing, reflective, and everything else she wants it to be.

My car is acting funny.

My new bedroom is more beautiful than I anticipated, and I anticipated it to be beautiful. I am quite pleased.

I have a writing gig! Can't wait to get started.

Sometimes, your family will kick you in the ass worse than a stranger with ill intentions. Sometimes, you have to save yourself from your own family. That makes me sad, but not for one minute will I let it slow me down.

I have begun working out again. Pray for me.

FEMA sent me a letter saying they were removing all the trailers in Orleans Parish as of May 1. According to this letter, I cannot appeal this decision. I laughed at that for about a minute.

I saw a bottle of wine at the supermarket last week and decided to check it out. It's called Gewurztraminer. I enjoyed it thoroughly, with Thai food. I will be purchasing again.

I got the wood floor refinished in the very last room that needed it upstairs - the guest room. It is beautiful, and more shiny than the rest of the floors.

I am currently pleased with my legs. This is something I never say. Now that I'm working out again, they will go back to being the legs I don't like, but they'll be toned, healthy, and take me where I need to go as they always have.

I often think of Idris Elba in an impure manner. Ditto for Chiwetel Ejiofor, with some extra. There's just something about that African-English combo that turns out some beautiful people. Mm-mm-mmm!

Now, I need a glass of water.

I would say I need new people, but I fit right in just where I am:

I called a relative on Good Friday. She told me she watched The Ten Commandments earlier that day. I commented that she did that every Easter and it was a good tradition. There was a loooong pause. She then commented that the Hebrew slaves were very fine.

I found myself agreeing with her. Hey, I already asked you to pray.

Our group is having lunch at one of my favorite restaurants today in commemoration of Administrative Worker's Day.

One of our secretaries received a beautiful heather plant from her boss. I went to sniff it. Something went up my nose and hit the back of my throat. I started coughing and sneezing. Secretary nearly killed herself laughing. I may cut her when my respiratory passages are clear and I can think about it without laughing. This is the stuff that happens to me all the time.

I will be doing the "pieces of me" thing soon, with a little twist I stole from Mark.

I don't understand the desperate behavior of some women. Do you need a man so badly you'll take anything? This is what makes ugly men who don't have much on the ball act like their you-know-what doesn't stink. That burns me up. It makes me want to crush the berries of such "men". Think of your worth, ladies. If you're not treating yourself like a queen, he won't either.

Me? Sometimes I'm a queen, sometimes a princess. More often than not, I am a goddess.

Later,

Happy Valentine's Day!

It's no secret I'm no fan of the commercial hype associated with Valentine's Day. I am, however, the biggest fan of love. I believe you should let those you love know you love them, because there's no guarantee we're all going to be here in the next five minutes. If today's economy does nothing else, maybe it will influence people to give gifts of a different kind. Some extra time, a hand made gift (I mean a nice handmade gift), handling a task for a loved one, a beautiful meal. If someone you loved were looking to give you a gift and had very little or no money, what would touch your heart? Are you giving a gift from the heart?

Date Night

In the beginning of a relationship, is it still a given that the man pays for the date? How about after you've been dating a while?

Ladies, what would you do if at the end of the date you discover you're expected to pay?

Guys, do you think it's unfair to to assume you'll be paying?

Sunday Morning In the House

I'm sitting in my house on the sectional my son recently moved from downstairs to the den upstairs. It's quite comfortable. As is my custom on Sunday mornings, I've put on the music I feel like hearing. It's an eclectic mix with a recurring theme - right now I'm listening to Billy Joel's Just the Way You Are. Before that, Chante Moore's Love's Taken Over, and before that, Chicago's Just You and Me. Picked up on a theme yet? If there's any doubt, Al Green's L-O-V-E Love is now playing? Get it? Got it? Good.

When I burned this CD in the early summer, I was really feeling it. I had someone in my life I was diggin like crazy, who, after years of a 'dry spell' reawakened my hope for the possibility of a relationship that went deep. Butterflies in the stomach, missed him when he was gone, goofy grinning when he called. It's a lovely stage, and one I hadn't had in years.

Unfortunately, it took about a month for things to turn to dirt. (That's Sunday morning talk. Also, the issues that led to our demise are a story for another post.) He still calls from time to time, and I am polite, but there is nothing in the world this man can offer to entice me to voluntarily sit at any table with him. I am grateful to him for one thing, though. Despite things not working out between us, my renewed hope for something beautiful did not die. I vow never again to get into that kind of funk.

I don't know who or where he is. I may have already met him. I just know there is one who gets me, who loves me, and will allow me love him the way I want. Until we're joined, I'm going to continue enjoying my life. Once we're joined, we'll enjoy it together.

Okay, I gotta go now. Al Green is singing I'm So Glad You're Mine, and I must sing with him. This requires my full attention. Besides, I can't post with my eyes closed - yet.

The Very Best of Everything

I made a comment on Monica Mingo’s site (hereinafter referred to as Monnie), which I often do. A few days ago, a young woman wrote to her seeking advice. She had been seeing a young man, and things were going well. There was no commitment between them. He went home for the holidays and had not called her. She called him. She called him again. She left messages. He ignored her. I don’t think I commented on that post - my response would have been redundant, as my sentiments were pretty much the same as many of the other commenters. Later, this young woman wrote back to inform Monnie her gentleman friend ignored her because he had a woman in his hometown to whom he "owed respect". My comment was: "WTF? I hope she’s already yelled "Next" and lost his number." I wrote it and moved right along, not giving it a second thought, until I saw my words on a later post, where Monnie asks what happens when "Next" is few and far between. You can read the post here: http://creoleindc.typepad.com/rantings_of_a_creole_prin/2009/01/what-came-first.html.

I thought back on the many times I stayed in a relationship past its expiration date. It wasn't easy to walk away after investing so much of myself. You see, I was one of these girlfriends who put everything into a relationship. I was patient, understanding, willing to make sacrifices, eager to fix problems. There's nothing wrong with treating a person well, especially someone with whom you're involved. The problem was, while I was trying to be super girlfriend, I put their needs before mine. There was no reciprocation. As you might expect, these relationships came to an end and I was left feeling frustrated, exhausted and unappreciated, and I was to blame. This was where stupidity came in.

After the last debacle, I took time to get to know me better and figure out what was wrong. I discovered what I liked and didn’t like in a relationship. I realized it wasn’t the end of the world to be unattached. After some time, I became content, then I became happy - something I hadn't been in any relationship. Such was my contentment, the thought of getting 'out there' made me uneasy. So, I stayed put. Six months turned into a year. One year turned into a few years with no one. Oh, it wasn't that I didn't want to be involved. Quite to the contrary. I had just gotten too comfortable. Honestly speaking, my need for companionship and that special touch had become so intense, I could barely stand to see a couple embrace on television. (I can think of a few examples. Johnny Depp's kissing scene in Chocolat was particularly difficult to bear.) Yeah, it was really bad.

Having a piece of man when you want more is not better than having no man at all. In any good, healthy relationship, there is an exchange that fits, and the people involved "get" each other. In other words, if I'm bringing you a whole cake, I expect a whole cake in return. I will not settle for a slice or some crumbs. And your cake better be good, too, 'cause that's what I'm bringing, and I deserve the very best of everything. Don’t you?

If I were in this young lady's shoes, I would not deal with this guy anymore. I would yell "Next" and lose his number, even if there was no one waiting in the wings. For me, his dishonesty was the deal breaker, and he handled this situation like a straight up punk. I would not, however, judge her if she decided to stay with him. I am not qualified to speak her truth, only mine.

Things are very different now, because I’m different now. I deal with things at face value. I do not make excuses for bad behavior, and I certainly don’t hang around long enough to watch it get worse. I pay close attention to red flags. I look at how he treats those who are supposed to be dear to him. I detest lies and insincerity. I am unapologetically unwilling to settle.

These days, my comfort zone is significantly larger, and I’m happy. Could it be better? Of course, but I don't feel pressure to pair up with someone for the sake of not being alone, for I am not lonely. Until I do meet that person who's 'it' for me, I'm enjoying the journey. When he comes along, I'd like to think I'm ready.

It is my hope that all ladies in this situation find their truth, that they know what they want with clarity, that they don’t settle, and know above all else, they deserve the very best of everything.

Question

Once you have broken up with someone, is there a grace period before you get involved with another? Is the answer the same whether you or your ex did the breaking up?

Let me be clear:

If you break up with someone, do you have the right to act a fool if you see him/her with someone else? Does it matter if you've only been broken up for a day or two?