This Week in Baseball

Been a while since I posted anything like this. Not really sure what to do with it. Give me strength... er, no, forget that.

So, OK. I haven't followed baseball very much since moving to Japan. But through the 80's and into the mid-90's I was a serious baseball follower (Expos and Jays!). A bit later, my interest briefly spiked when the Red Sox finally won The World Series; their crushing defeat of the Yankees on the way to The Series was something for the ages.

When the Toronto Blue Jays won their first of back-to-back championships in 1992,  I was among the millions of Canadians glued to their TV sets. But what none of us knew (or even suspected) was that the team the Blue Jays beat--the Atlanta Braves, were nothing less than Satan's minions unleashed upon the earth. [VIA]

Now, I've been known to go a bit crazy when my favorite teams lose (Boston, Canada, both in hockey), but according to the author of the linked article, his beloved Pittsburgh Pirates lost to the evil Braves because Ted Turner and Jane Fonda were communists who had enough money to buy a better team (!), and because Jimmy Carter (!) er, something...

Funny how the "Commies" always win because they have more money... (Like the "gay" Giants [ha! I just made myself laugh!] from San Francisco beat the "manly" Texas Rangers a few years back. Say, a fellow could probably do OK by betting against teams American wingnuts like...)

A couple of golden turds from the toilet:

[On October 14, 1992] the Atlanta Braves defeated the Pittsburgh Pirates in Game Seven of the 1992 National League Championship Series, allowing the Braves to advance to the World Series, where they lost to the Toronto Blue Jays, thus ceding America's Pastime to the Canadians.

"The Canadians." Wow. More "Commie" than Ted, Jane, and Jimmy! Doubleplusgood! How many Canadians on that championship Blue Jays team? None. (If someone were to call pretty much any pre-70's American-based NHL team "the Canadians," well, that would be another story...)

[The Braves] had gazillions [of dollars] because of their owner, Ted Turner, a wealthy cable TV maven [...] who--in the ultimate insult--was an extreme leftist who openly expressed his contempt for the free-market system, for traditional American ideals, for belief in God, and, generally, for the very principles that permitted his riches.

 Look, I'm no fan of Ted Turner. But really, what kind of stupid do you have to be in order not to see that he is as American as apple pie? This needs to be explained? Jesus fucking Christ. The only difference between Ted Turner and, say, Donald Trump, is that Ted has a brain, actually worked for his money, and has much better taste in women. (The cynic in me says that Jane Fonda is/was, probably the ultimate "trophy wife.") Isn't it strange that "leftists" are more "successful" than "rightists"?

Why do you guys keep losing...?

Idiots

Before...

After...

Image Source

Asshole of the Century

Rush Limbaugh, Asshole of the Century:



[VIA]

The Market (Or: And You Thought God Was a Prick)

A clear, concise expression of everything that's fucked up in modern economic theory:

After the 8.9-magnitude earthquake in Japan failed to induce a market nosedive, CNBC’s Larry Kudlow expressed his relief in terms that seemed to appall even his fellow cheerleaders for capitalism: “The human toll here,” he declared, “looks to be much worse than the economic toll and we can be grateful for that.”

Yeah, whatever...

[VIA]

Remember Pearl Harbor?

Yeah, I do. It was a pretty shitty movie.

But seriously... No, fucking seriously...

No, (really) seriously, on a more serious note: I haven't seen any Japanese crying on Oprah yet.

Doubleplusgoodserious: I don't imagine (Japanese) family members of quake/tsunami victims will be turning recent events into an opportunity for financial gain/fame/general cry-like -a-fucking-baby-you-poor-little-victim assholedom.

On a related but still ever-so-seriously serious note that serious people will take seriously:
Maximus Serious Assholius: A poem!!




Yeah.

Blog Tips: Maintaining a Sterile Environment

Actor John Cusack tweets:

FoxNews reports:

[VIA]

You know, this method of posting about stupidity has a distinct advantage over actually writing about it: by not typing it myself, there's no way "the stupid" can rub off and infect me...

This Week in Murder

I've shot squirrels I've felt worse about...
--Some anonymous scumbag who volunteers to serve on firing squads

It's no secret that I'm firmly against the death penalty. But really, death penalty proponents, is this the kind of asshole you want meting out "justice"? For fuck's sake, volunteering to kill someone in cold blood should almost serve as its own default disqualification. This is fucked. The system behind it is fucked. Anyone who supports it is fucked (and fucking stupid, to boot).

Veterans of the Culture Wars

Have you ever seen the title of something and quickly realized that there was no point in looking beyond it, because nothing could possibly top the title--either for sheer awesomeness or sheer stupidity, or sheer awesome stupidity?

I give you Robin Hood and Ayn Rand.

Click the link and read if you like. I didn't bother.

Drill, Baby, Drill!

Can it get any better than this?

Image Source

Holy Ghost Hokey Pokey

You put your right foot in,
You put your right foot out,
You put your right foot in
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey
And you turn yourself around,
That's what it's all about.
--The Hokey Pokey

You remember "The Hokey Pokey," right? It was a fun, goofy song you sang when you were a little kid. Watch a few seconds below if you need to refresh your memory. Seriously, a few seconds will be all you need...



Now check out the following video (VIA Bifurcated Rivets). You really need to watch at least 3 or 4 minutes of this. (In fact, I recommend watching the whole thing, appalling though it is)...



Here's what the person who uploaded that video to YouTube (sbails39) had to say about what you just experienced:

Perhaps the saddest, lowest, most incomprehensible moment in the history of Christianity. It is difficult to understand how any form of Christianity, at any point in the history of humanity, under any circumstance possible, could degrade into this foolishness.
To see any form of content so divorced from the extreme emotionalism is horrifying. It's the Hokey Pokey, and they treat it like magic.
And the way that dude sings the song... it's the Hokey Pokey dude. Come on.

Amen to that, Brother.

More and more these days I find myself somewhat tongue-tied when it comes to talking about some of the fucked up things going on in the world. Really, I don't even know where to begin. The above video is just one example among a countless number of things that are so wrong in so many ways and on so many levels that my mind recoils at the thought of even attempting any sort of coherently expressed argument about why this shit is fucked up.

In my mind I hear a forlorn voice sputtering something like: "But, but, this is no different than the kind of stuff that goes on a rock concerts and shit!" "Indeed," I hear myself reply. "But is that the kind of comparison you really want to make? Is that where you really want to go with this? If so, then let me tell you very plainly right now. You're doing it wrong."

Of course religion is only one fucked up thing in the world, and Christianity is only one religion. They're all wrong. Just so you know...

More Common Than You Might Think

Assholum Canadianum:

Canada's immigration minister says he takes "full responsibility" for a citizenship study guide that had all references to gay rights removed.
[...]
Records obtained by The Canadian Press show that an early draft of the guide, meant to prepare immigrants for citizenship tests starting March 15, contained sections citing milestones in gay rights, including decriminalization of homosexuality in 1969 and the same-sex marriage law of 2005.
But Kenney's office ordered those sections removed from the draft, and rebuffed an effort by bureaucrats to have them re-inserted last August. The new guide was released with fanfare in November.

The Canadian conservative: an asshole by any other name, eh?

Who Said It?

To the first reader who identifies (in comments) the speaker of the quote below, I will write a post on the topic of his/her choice. Seriously, any topic.

God is even angrier with [Chile] than he is with the people of Haiti.

If I had to guess, I’d say it must have to do with Chile’s persecution and attempted prosecution of their great former leader, and a personal hero of mine, Augusto Pinochet...

So, dear readers, who said it?

[They won't always be this easy!]

PSA: A Message from Transport Canada

I don't know what it's like for Americans on domestic flights, but flying into the U.S. from a foreign country (any foreign country) has sucked ass for several years now. The flights suck, the airports suck, and the security sucks. It's a shitty experience. It's also a completely useless waste of time. And it's only getting worse with the passing of each day.

The War on Terror ended the day it began. You lost America.



"Transport Canada: A division of the US Dept. of Homeland Security." That was a nice touch.

The Stupidest Thing I've Read Today

So there's this article listing the Top 10 Most Overrated Directors of All Time over at Big Hollywood, and it's written by Ben Shapiro, hero of the Culture Wars (and last seen in these pages whining about "Hollywood's Left Wing Agenda").

Let's get right to it, shall we? (Don't worry, this is only the "lowlights".)

Shapiro says of Ridley Scott (#10):
"Blade Runner is a bizarre and massively overpraised mess."
"Thelma and Louise is liberal tripe..."
"Alien is slow."
And you know, it's not like an intelligent movie-goer hasn't heard this sort of thing about these movies before.  What makes Shapiro's analysis stand out from others is it's complete and utter... lack of analysis. And even when he's right ("GI Jane is hysterically terrible.") he hilariously mistakes Viggo Mortenson for Orlando Bloom.

Lack of analysis characterizes pretty much the whole piece, actually. The movies of David Lean (#8) are all too long for Shapiro, "they're all less than masterpieces." That's all he has to say. In fact, he might just as well have written up a list of whatever and said "I don't like or understand this stuff, therefore it sucks." Conservatism in a nutshell. Big Hollywood should just have a continuous splash screen with those words. It's not like anything they say is any sort of elaboration on anything being said or done anywhere.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Shapiro also goes after some easier targets: Darren Aronofsky (#7), David Lynch (#5), and Quentin Tarantino (#4). Aronofsky's PI is

a jumble of nonsense that starts nowhere and goes nowhere.  It may be the worst film ever made.  Watching it made me want to rip out my own retinas, then replace them through surgery, then rip them out again.

David Lynch is

one of those annoyingly “deep” directors we’re all supposed to puzzle over. Forget it. There’s nothing worth puzzling.

And Quentin Tarantino "doesn't know how to tell a story." Again, nothing in the way of example or analysis. I happen to like all three of these directors, but you don't have to be on the highschool debating team to come up with something resembling criticism against targets as obvious as these three.

Talking about Martin Scorcese's (#2) The Departed, Shapiro writes something so utterly bizarre that it bears repeating here:

Nobody cares what happens to Leonardo DiCaprio in The Departed (in fact, in one screening I saw, people cheered when he got it in the head).

Mr. Shapiro, um, I think you may be a bit confused. Are you sure you're not talking about Matt Damon's character? You did watch the movie didn't you? DiCaprio's character was pretty clearly and unambiguously a good guy. Or did you happen to attend a special screening for Irish gangsters? What the fuck are you talking about? You're full of shit. That's my analysis, and you've supplied a good example.

By the time Shapiro tells us (and really, that's all he's doing--telling us) that Alfred Hitchcock is the #1 overrated director, it's no longer possible to be surprised.

This Has Got to Stop

A quote from America's first legal male prostitute:

Basically this is the first time in the economy of the United States that a male has actually stood up and said, "I want to do this for a living." And be protected under law to do it. It's just the same as when Rosa Parks decided to sit at the front instead of the back. She was proclaiming her rights as a disadvantaged, African-American older woman. And I'm doing the same.

Right. Just like Rosa Parks.

A million gags come to mind, but I don't have the stomach for this kind of bullshit tonight.

Pat Robertson, Asshole

I guess by now anyone who cares has seen or heard about holy-roller Pat Robertson's comments suggesting that problems in Haiti are a result of a pact the Haitian people made with the devil to get out from under the French.

Leave it to a god-bothering racist piece of shit like Robertson to attribute an important moment in history to Satan. In case anyone is unaware of it, the Haitian Revolution is considered to be the first and only successful slave revolt in the New World, and it resulted in Haiti being the first republic ruled by people of African ancestry.

Pact with the devil, indeed.

We may never hear Pat Robertson (and others like him) say the word "nigger" out loud. But we don't really have to, do we?

Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

So let's see if I've got this straight. Conservative Americans think it's OK to pray in school and force their contemptible beliefs on children; but if the president wants to talk to schoolchildren, it's "indoctrination"? And the rest of the country simply has to eat this steaming mound of shit?

For crying out loud, America. Will you take your fucking country back, or what? You become more pathetic with each passing day. Where is your spine?

[With sincere apologies to my many sane American friends.]

Stupid of the Week

Much worse than "stupid," really, but I'm trying to cut down on my swearing...

From The NY Times: Well - Kept From a Dying Partner’s Bedside:

When a loved one is in the hospital, you naturally want to be at the bedside. But what if the staff won’t allow it?

That’s what Janice Langbehn, a social worker in Lacey, Wash., says she experienced when her partner of 18 years, Lisa Pond, collapsed with an aneurysm during a Florida vacation and was taken to a Miami trauma center. She died there, at age 39, as Ms. Langbehn tried in vain to persuade hospital officials to let her visit, along with the couple’s adopted children.

I told you it was worse than stupid...

[VIA: Ed at ginandtacos, who makes the following point:

If I’m in a room with Michelle Malkin and she collapses from a heart attack, I’m going to call an ambulance. If James Dobson’s wife is dying, I’m not going to seek out a bureaucratic way to keep him out of her hospital room. These actions don’t indicate friendship or kindness. It’s merely the bare minimum recognition of what separates humans from hyenas.

Hyenas indeed.]

Required Reading

The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity:

The fact that the activity and movements of a stupid creature are absolutely erratic and irrational not only makes defense problematic but it also makes any counter-attack extremely difficult - like trying to shoot at an object which is capable of the most improbable and unimaginable movements. This is what both Dickens and Schiller had in mind when the former stated that "with stupidity and sound digestion man may front much" and the latter wrote that "against stupidity the very Gods fight in vain."

You'll likely get a kick out of this, even if you're stupid...

[VIA: Cynical-C]

Connect the Dots

The body of a Canadian soldier who was killed in Afghanistan on Monday has begun its journey home.

Tearful soldiers carried the casket of Trooper Karine Blais onto a waiting plane at Kandahar Airfield in southern Afghanistan on Tuesday during a solemn ramp ceremony honouring a woman described as "full of energy" and "friendly to everyone."

Blais, 21, was killed Monday when the armoured vehicle she was in hit a roadside bomb north of the city of Kandahar.

[...] Blais, who had only been in Afghanistan for two weeks, was the second female Canadian soldier to be killed in the war-torn country. Her death comes nearly three years after Capt. Nicola Goddard was killed in a grenade attack west of Kandahar.

Meanwhile, in Kabul, a few hundred Afghan women who had gathered to protest a new law that basically legalizes rape were pelted with stones.

Afghan women protesting against a new law that severely undermines women's rights were pelted with stones in the country's capital Wednesday, say reports.

About 300 mostly young women gathered in Kabul to show their opposition to a recently passed law that forbids women from refusing to have sex with their husbands and requires them to get a male relative's permission to leave the house.

The demonstration was organized by women's rights activists in Afghanistan. Critics of the law say it effectively legalizes rape within marriage and is a return to Taliban-style rule.

[...] "You are a dog. You are not a Shiite woman," one man shouted to a young woman in a headscarf holding aloft a banner that said, "We don't want Taliban law."

"You are a dog"... Picture this scene in your mind. A "man" is throwing rocks at a woman and calling her a "dog". Can any sane person in the entire world imagine a context in which this kind of behavior might be justified? I imagine a scumbag like this crying and screaming and pulling his hair out like a spoiled little sissy over a cartoon depicting his god in an unfavorable light. Then I imagine him beating or stoning or killing his wife, or his sister, or his daughter, for this or that or some other imagined offense. If there is anything more "offensive" in the world than "men" like this, it escapes me.