This Time Around

I dislike belly pictures. Not because I dislike my belly (though I can't say we're close friends, it's more of a relationship built on tolerance), but because I hate posing for them. It feels so awkward- I don't know what to do with my head, my facial expression, my hands- really anything that isn't my belly. That, I know to point proudly sideways.

But here is one I made JP take in our kitchen yesterday. In retrospect I should have closed the laundry room door to make a nice white backdrop, pulled up my jeans, pulled down my sweater, and done something different with my facial expression. But nevertheless, the belly (which is measuring 24 weeks rather than 22) is better displayed than my last picture.

Also displayed are the boots I ordered last week after I got the most painful progesterone shot of my life. Aren't they pretty?

They're far more casual and Western-inspired than my usual footwear, but I think they'll look great with jeans and dresses, and JP loves them. As an added bonus my mom, who owns more boots than anyone, ever, suggested that she and my dad buy them as my birthday present, so yay! Free boots just for being born.

I'm also pleased to report that this week's shot didn't hurt nearly so bad as last time, so maybe having to spend 4 days recovering from the fire in my thigh was a fluke. And/or maybe it's just worse when I get the shot on my right side because of all the torn cartilage and scar tissue I have in there from my hip surgery? Who knows, but I'm glad this one was better because it was going to get expensive if I had to buy myself a present every time my leg is set on fire -- I have 14 more shots to go.

It's been interesting being pregnant the second time around. As it turns out, I don't remember much from my first pregnancy. I was pretty busy with law school and didn't know anyone else who was pregnant, so I had no one with which to fixate on the experience. I do remember being far more focused on the baby and its development. I loved the babycenter updates and would google my gestational age on a regular basis just to read more articles about what the baby was doing. This time I'm more focused on me and my changes. I enjoy the updates on the baby, mostly because I love seeing what type of produce is in my belly (this week I'm carrying a "large mango"), but I haven't opened up any of my previously purchased baby books or done much googling. I'm content to let her grow and just look forward to meeting her in about 4 months.

But when I felt a cramping and continuous dull ache in my lower abdomen last week, I immediately called my perinatal NP to check on it. Last time I'm certain I would have treated like I do any other random pain or potential medical problem and ignored it. (Like when JP's lung spontaneously collapsed in college and he grabbed his chest and said it hurt and his loving, caring, pre-med girlfriend told him he was fine and a hypochondriac and then the next day he was rushed into surgery because his lung had almost entirely deflated -- yeah sometimes it's actually not fine.) I think this new focus on my body is a positive thing for this pregnancy, but I do hate feeling so jumpy.

The other reason I think I'm less breathless with anticipation about baby's every gestational development is that I have this little guy running around outside my womb (in his adorable Weasley sweater my super talented friend knitted for him):

I'm very excited to meet and care for our baby girl, but I can wait. Last time I was so impatient for that big jump to being someone's mother, but now I'm already there, and I can soak up and appreciate this time spent in between one and two children.

At least until I'm huge and it's 100 degrees and I just need to not be pregnant anymore. Then I can't promise I'll be patient at all.

Like Fistfuls of Mental Manure

I love this article. It's wry, depressingly true in many respects, and delightfully quotable. Every time I read it I giggle and then shake my head a little and click out of the window before I start contemplating the deeper meaning of our potential label as a nation and/or generation of whiners.

But even though it contains marvelous tidbits like, "I want my goddamn apocalypse, and I want it now", the real reason I wanted to write about this article is because of the paragraph below:

You have but to take a peek in the comments section below this column, any column, any article on this or any news site whatsoever, to see just how mean and nasty we have become. It does not matter what the piece might be about. Obama's speech. High speed rail. Popular dog breeds. Your grandmother's cookies. The anonymous comments section of any major media site or popular blog will be so crammed with bile and bickering, accusation and pule, hatred and sneer you can't help but feel violently disappointed by the shocking lack of basic human kindness and respect, much less a sense of positivism or perspective.

I'm in far too good a mood to write about this topic with any real force or anger behind my words - though maybe that's exactly why I should write about it now, but I've had a post percolating for weeks about commenting and etiquette on the internet.

I'm blessed with generally polite commentors on this blog and I am very thankful for it. Not that you all always agree with me- that's neither desired nor expected; after all I've been training JP for nearly 9 years and he still disagrees with me all the time. But your disagreement (like his) is phrased thoughtfully rather than angrily or scornfully, and because of that, the comments section for my work/life posts are some of my favorites to read. And that's sadly rare for any site that allows anonymous comments and is read by a good number of anonymous people.

I actually banned anonymous comments for a period of about 6 hours after this post. I also deleted a lot of purely vitriolic tripe published by people whose opinions I decided did not deserve to be heard. Your First Amendment rights don't get you anywhere on my blog- it's not a public forum and I'm not the government, I get to moderate at will. But I don't want to delete. I don't want to have to squint my eyes and skim through every anonymous comment to check to see if I really want to read it or just delete it quickly. I don't want to think about the negative ones long after they're deleted and mentally draft and re-draft responses I'll never publish.

And what I don't understand- what I will never undersatnd- is the sense of entitlement some people feel to be mean just because we're online. I can't tell you how many times I've heard some variation of - well you're the one putting yourself out there so you should expect criticism (and impliedly deserve it). But why? I leave the house every day without a need to steel myself against criticism or nastiness from those I encounter. Is it possible someone will be rude to me? Of course, but it's not expected and certainly not accepted behavior the way some people seem to think it is on the internet. Are there two sets of rules? Are we really going to teach our children, the next generation will which likely have so much of their lives revolve around the internet, that it's important to be nice or polite to those we meet, but on the internet making someone feel like shit is perfectly okay? And it's more than okay, it's practically your duty.

I don't understand that. With any amount of thought and intelligence it is possible to disagree with someone, and disagree forcibly, without being insulting or sending them the electronic equivalent of a punch in the stomach. And this goes far beyond my little website- as I've said, I'm blessed with a pretty awesome community of readers whose comments I genuinely look forward to reading. But some of the big mommy blogger sites can get so nasty that I've stopped clicking on the comments. And isn't that sad? They're such an opportunity for discussion and commentary on parenthood and working and life.

I wonder what those sites will be like in the future. Will the internet become friendlier under a generation of children raised with the possibility of speaking anonymously and hopefully given the guidelines and ability to handle it? That's probably too optimistic, but I like to think it's possible. I definitely think that if some people's parents could read what they've been commenting to a person, a real live person, on the other end of the internet, they'd be put in time-out immediately.

The Broken Blackberry That Wasn't

Our weekend was lovely, but odd- at least for me. I couldn't get rid of this nagging feeling that there was something I was supposed to be doing but I couldn't think of what it might be. My blackberry was silent, which I enjoyed on Friday and Saturday, but by Sunday I was hitting buttons and sending test emails to make sure it was still working. Isn't that sad -- one Sunday without a flood of work emails and I think the whole blackberry network is down. This is what being too busy for too long will do to you.

Because it was absolutely delightful to play with Landon, take a trip to Ikea (where I fell in love with a bright pink hippo which has now been adopted into our family. I intended it to be for the baby's room, but Landon asked if he could be the hippo's "friend" until the baby arrived- he seriously looked worried about the hippo being alone in the nursery and she slept in his dump trunk at the foot of his bed last night), host a mini Super Bowl party, and do a bunch of other productive things (like organize all our old pictures into labeled photo boxes, and let me tell you, it feels so good not to have stacks of photos in random envelopes on random shelves of the study anymore) without trying to figure out when and how I was going to do that 5-hour work assignment in time to send it around for comments by Sunday night.

But I also felt a little adrift- by the end of the Super Bowl, after we'd cleaned everything up and I'd eaten my 4th frosted fudge brownie, I didn't know what to do with myself. I'd done all the baby research I wanted to do and have spent or earmarked what we're going to spend, so the internet held no allure. I was done with my organization projects and had finished my taxes. I think I need a new book series. Or a hobby, but that seems a little hasty since I'll probably be busy again soon.

I previously promised a picture with my 22-week baby bump and here is one from Sunday:

It's actually a terrible picture to highlight my belly, since you can barely see it, but the one I took from the side did such weird things to my neck that I just couldn't publish it. I'll work on another. The real reason I wanted to post this picture for posterity is because Landon actually asked to take it. He wanted to show his Papa and Gigi his "handsome shirt" and "fancy pants" as he called them that morning before church. Ever since Christmas when I told him his sweater vest made him look so handsome, any shirt with a collar is a "handsome shirt" not just a shirt. Cracks me up.

And this picture below- this is one of my favorites ever. We had a friend and her 3-year-old son over to watch the game. The two boys are good buddies (they play in the church nursery together every Sunday) and they squealed and giggled as they chased each other in circles around our house for about 2 hours. At half-time JP suggested a game of "hide and seek." He closed his eyes and counted to 10 while Landon and friend ran directly into the playroom and threw their hands over their eyes. Can you find him?

They did this through 3 more rounds of the game, running to different parts of the house and freezing with their hands over their eyes. My friend and I were laughing so hard we were nearly crying. Toddlers are so much fun.

Filling Time

So what do you do when your biggest case and the main focus of your 12-month career as a litigator just disappears in a puff of smoke? Apparently, you take the day off and go to the zoo!

Yesterday morning I popped into one of my favorite partner's offices. He does a lot of securities litigation work, which I love, and I figured I should start finding some cases to add to my personal docket. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: So... you have any work for me?
Partner: Get out.
Me: What?
Partner: Didn't [big case] settle last night?
Me: Yes...
Partner: And how many hours did you bill in January?
Me: 203
Partner: Go home. Go home and don't come back for two days.

So I did, pausing only to call my grandparents to see if Landon and I could visit them in San Antonio the next day. I sprang Landon early from daycare (something that initially caused him great displeasure as I'd interrupted some sort of cooking experiment and he was patiently waiting his turn to stir the batter; I sat down and watched the magic unfold), and stopped at HEB to pick up something for dinner. When JP got home from his seminar at 6:45 I was cooking burgers while the french fries, personally cut by me, were crisping in the oven. And oh man, were those burgers were tasty- with sharp cheddar cheese and fresh slices of avocado, tomato, and romaine lettuce, all stacked on lightly toasted ciabatta buns. Yum. Working a half day can be delicious.

Then at 10 a.m. this morning Landon and I headed South on I-35 toward San Antonio. I sang along to the radio while Landon read "Dear Zoo" over and over again. We enjoyed a lovely lunch with my grandparents at their retirement community. Landon was on his best behavior and was fawned over by every resident we passed. He also got a tour around the front pond with my Grandpa.

On the drive over Landon had randomly remembered that my grandparents' community had a pond. He asked if there were ducks and then after about 3 minutes of silently staring out the window, he said, "I no bite the ducks." I told him that was probably a good idea and then after another few minutes of silence Landon said, "it makes them sad." Too true.

After lunch we became members of the San Antonio zoo. Landon was so excited to see all the animals in his favorite book spring to life.

The giraffe! The giraffe Mama! It's too tall!

(That is a "Dear Zoo" reference to those not up on their toddler literature.)

Next up was a staring contest with a rhinoceros.

and then some bonding with a brown bear.

Landon blew him lots of kisses as we walked away.

And just like last time, the "Mangoes" caused the greatest excitement and we stopped by their little habitat at least five times.

It was a wonderful day -- gorgeous weather, a quiet blackberry, and a special trip my little man. If there's anything I've learned so far as a lawyer (and as working mom generally), it's that you have to seize your down time when you can get it. I'm so glad for today.

My Career-Changer

My biggest case just disappeared from my docket. It's settled and gone like a puff of smoke. It's a very odd feeling. I'm actually quite sad. It's great for our client and I'm glad for them, but I loved this case. This case is the reason I am happy as a lawyer.

It all started back in December of 2008 when an email went out looking for corporate associates to assist with a large scale document review. And like most corporate associates in the fourth quarter of that year, I had nothing going on, so I volunteered.

To give you a bit of context, before I got that email asking about the document review, I had called UT's medical school in San Antonio to ask if all the science pre-requisites I had done in undergrad would expire or would I need to re-do them if I applied to medical school in the next five years? I wasn't happy as a transactional associate. I wasn't exactly unhappy either, I just couldn't imagine doing what I was doing for the next 20-30 years. Especially when it took me away from my family. I was going to demand something more from my career, and while I was content to make the best of where I was long enough to pay off my loans (or at least make a really big dent in them), I was looking at other options. I like school and I'm good at it- surely there was something else out there for me.

So I started on the doc review and immediately found it far more interesting than corporate due diligence. This case was based completely on corporate law issues and was also very factual. Through the emails we were reviewing, we were building the story of our defense. It wasn't about finding a certain contractual clause, it was about meetings, dates, times, and people. I wouldn't say I found my calling in the doc review database, but I did enjoy the work more than I had enjoyed anything in corporate.

As time went on and we finished the review batches, all the other corporate associates dropped off the case while I wandered upstairs to our litigation section to see if they needed any more help. Next thing I knew I was drafting affidavits, creating timelines, and otherwise becoming the person who knew the documents best. I was also actively deflecting the corporate work that had started to pick up towards the end of January. Finally, near the end of February I arranged a lunch with the head of litigation to ask about a switch. He was thrilled (he was the one who originally recruited me to the firm), so I scheduled a meeting with the head of corporate later that afternoon. That night my entire office was moved upstairs and I was officially a litigator.

Since then I have spent about 80% of my time on that case. I have run a massive privilege review and exclusively managed a team of contract attorneys, I have drafted sections of briefs, gone to hearings, done all the deposition prep, been on nearly every strategy conference call, and frequently communicated with the client. All on a matter that in 2009 was one of the firm's top producer's of revenue- it was a huge case. I had a central, visible role and was so happy that the partners on the case made fun of me.

There will be other cases, of course. I already have two waiting for me. But this one will always have a special place in my heart. It was an amazing group of people to work with, including two of the most known litigation partners at our firm. And it made me realize that it wasn't that I disliked being a lawyer or made the wrong decision in going to law school, it was that I disliked being a corporate lawyer. It just wasn't the right place for me and I never would have thought to try litigation on my own.

I genuinely like what I do now. I can see myself doing it until I retire. Maybe I won't, but it's no longer an impossible mental leap to imagine it so. And after 3 years of grad school and $140,000 of debt, I'm very glad I'm no longer calling up medical schools to inquire about applying in a few years. It's ending is a good thing for me personally, as it means I'll no longer have a trial in March and April and my perinatologist will be thrilled by that news. But I'm spending the morning being a little sad and a lot grateful for the case that changed my career so much for the better.

Shopping, continued, with shoes

Thanks for the comments and recommendations! In light of your wise counsel, and reviews from online retailers, I have decided to fall out of love with the beautiful bassinet and make the stroller my "pricey" item. As many of you pointed out, we'll use it longer and I think if anything is going to be high quality, it should be the piece of gear that will be pushed and maneuvered, rather than the one that just sits in our room. I mean they used to just stick babies in a nice padded drawer to sleep in right?

Since JP and my drawers are full of old swimming t-shirts we can't seem to part with, I think we're going with the Arm's Reach Mini Co-sleeper. I like the concept, like that we can have it attached to the bed or farther away as the baby (and we) may prefer, and really like we can use it for much longer than the bassinet. It's also $260 cheaper, and that's real money. Money that can be spent on diapers, fancy stroller accessories, and/or the gorgeous cognac leather boots I spent 30 minutes viewing from different angles on dsw.com this morning.

(Actually, I already ordered the boots. I got my third progesterone shot this morning and my thigh really hurts and I seriously hate being pregnant and I really miss my sex life and I billed 200 hours in January and it's my birthday in a few weeks and this is my first bonus- shouldn't I get to buy one special thing for me? I'm sure my little girl will love them and be so glad her mommy has them in her closet.)

But back to the baby. For the stroller, I'm 98% sold on the Bob. In small part because I like referring to it as "the Bob," but also because of the amazing number of 5-star reviews it has on every baby review website. But we're not in any rush, so I can continue to shop around and wait for the perfect deal.

My inbox is filled with shipping notices from my online shopping. I'm taking my doctor's orders to not go out and do a bunch of shopping very seriously. And actually, by foregoing the beautiful bassinet (and in my mind, it will always be referred to as such), I can buy a changing table for the downstairs and a few stroller accessories and other not-strictly-needed items, and still stay under budget. So that's good, though it would have been fun to let go and buy something because it was pretty rather than practical. Sort of like it would be fun to buy these shoes. Or these. But I am practical and those are ridiculously expensive, even if they are beautiful and belong in my closet.

Now back to the baby, again. I bought a bunch of baby hangers and a storage bin at Target over the weekend and have slowly begun the process of putting away Landon's nursery decor and getting out some of his old baby clothes. It's bittersweet- I don't miss infant Landon, but in going through those tiny clothes I'm sad and a little bitter about how certain events in those first six months robbed me of any desire to look back on them. Going through his baby outfits brings back a lot of what I avoid remembering, but it's also been helping me remember what a darn cute little guy he was.

Both of those were taken in the midst of some really bad stuff, but look how happy he is! For as much as I fear the sleepless nights, the disruption to our relatively easy schedule, and the logistical craziness of doing anything with two kids, I'm really looking forward to experiencing aspects of the baby phase again. I'm sure it'll still be hard, but it will be a different kind of hard, and at least this time around I know that JP and I can survive anything and still end up smiling, at least at some point. And I'll have some really fun new gear, and a beautiful new pair of boots, along for the ride.

Baby Shopping 2.0

I got my very first bonus check on Friday. It was fairly small, but still very exciting and unexpected. The old automatic bonuses for first and second years were taken away when the economy crashed- our base salary never changed or froze, but the bonuses are now at the firm's discretion. So if the firm has a good year the whole class gets one (the same one), and if it doesn't we don't get anything. Luckily, 2009 was a good year.

Half of the bonus immediately went to savings and the other half has been dedicated to baby accessory shopping. The fun kind of accessories - we have the basic furniture and toys, but now I get to buy a few of the things I wanted when we had Landon but couldn't afford. Also, while Landon slept in his crib in his own room from the first night we came home from the hospital, our master bedroom is now on a different floor from the nursery, and we need something for the baby to sleep in downstairs.

First up was all the the bedding I picked out the day we discovered baby 2.0 is a girl. I still love it and can't wait for it to arrive.

Second was this 11x14 print from an etsy shop which highlights the inspiration for choosing the bedding. I'm going to frame it and hang it between the doors in the room:

Third were these 8x10 wall cards from the same etsy artist. I love the simple nature theme and think they will look great lined up across the room from the crib. (Since we're not painting the room, I'm big on art for the walls.)

So that's what I purchased immediately on Friday. I'd obsessed over them enough in ten days to equate about three months of hemming and hawing; JP had long since refused to look at any more links I sent him regarding baby decor. Now there are two things I'm still researching. One is a bassinet for our bedroom. I want it to be simple and pretty, but also sturdy and well made so that we can use it for baby #3 or other family member's babies. (Man, my brother and sister are going to be so lucky whenever they have kids- we have everything and will be done by the time they get around to it. We had to buy nearly everything ourselves.) It also has to blend with our bedroom because I just finished decorating that and we are not marring the beauty with some plastic monstrosity. This is my favorite so far:

I like the simplicity of the look, the positive reviews, and the fact that it rocks and the basket comes off the top. I do not like the price- it costs more than 2x what we paid for Landon's crib, though it does include the bedding set. The problem is other ones I look at are even more expensive or cheaper to the point of cheapiness. I still remember the white bassinet both my sister and brother slept in when they were newborns, and my sister and I put our dolls in it for years- I know whatever we buy will get a lot of use.

The second item is a jogging stroller. We used the Graco stroller frame for Landon's infant car seat when he was a baby and it was my single most favorite baby item ever. I have never understood those clunky travel systems. When he got bigger we switched to an inexpensive umbrella stroller which works fine for most things, but there are times when I really wish we something a little more rugged. Plus, there's always hope that I'll take up jogging right? We wouldn't want the stroller to get in the way of such a healthy decision.

I solicited recommendations from those I work with and many suggested the Bob.

Once again I like the look, the extremely positive reviews, but very much dislike the $400 price tag. That's a lot of money for a stroller. That's a lot of money for just about anything. And then I wonder - should we have a stroller that accommodates two children? But we so rarely use our stroller, and when we do, it's on some outing that both JP and I are attending. We could both push something. And Landon likes to walk or ride his Spiderman big wheel, so if it's just an evening walk around the neighborhood, baby girl will be the only one being pushed. Is it worth having a mammoth stroller for the few times we may like it? But if I'm going to spend that much money on something, will I be mad that it doesn't accommodate Landon as well?

I'd been secretly hoping my in-laws might offer some sort of gift for baby 2.0, but they've been so bizarre about this whole pregnancy, basically refusing to ask about me or the baby ever, and changing the subject as soon as we told them she was a girl, that I've decided I don't even want anything from them. If we can buy it ourselves we will; if we can't, we'll do without- we have all the necessities anyway.

In the mean time, I'm thoroughly enjoying getting to research and read baby product reviews, and I love even more to hear people's recommendations, so if you have any thoughts on bassinets, jogging strollers (especially the double v. single debate), and other things maybe you added to your collection for baby #2, please let me know!

My Firstborn

Landon and I went on a date to CiCi's pizza last night. We had so much fun "cheering" our pizza slices (ever since the family reunion/birthday party at my parent's house he always wants to say cheers and clink glasses at dinner) and talking about his day - actually conversing - that I had a moment where I nearly got choked up thinking about this kid before me. He still has a bit of baby in him, and I love everything about this older model, so it's not really sadness, it's more like gratitude that we're here and this is so easy and I love it so much.

(after dinner, in his "fighterman" hat that he later wore in the bathtub)

There's always a lot of talk amongst parents on how best to space out your kids. And while I can understand the advantages of having your children close together- whether purposefully or on accident, I am so glad that I've been able to enjoy Landon's toddlerhood with him as an only child. In the past year and a half I've watched him change from an immobile baby who communicates by yelling at me in crying form, to a walking, talking, running, dancing, laughing, hugging, adorable little boy. And I've loved every second of it.

He won't remember all the time we've spent together- or all the times he's made me laugh or clap while he shows off a new trick, but I will. And after his first year when I loved him but didn't exactly love motherhood, I'm so glad we waited until now to add another. I already feel I have to step back from him just a little bit - because picking him up hurts my back or because I'm just so exhausted at the end of the day I want him to go to bed so I can turn catatonic on the couch, and I don't like feeling torn between my toddler and my pregnancy. I know our baby girl will add a new level of love to our family, and I look forward to it, but it's been a very special past 18 months with Landon.

And speaking of the little guy. He usually wakes up around 8, so I don't set an alarm clock- I just wait for his head to appear by my pillow with a "Hi Mama!" or until I hear a call from the top of the stairs. I slept terribly last night so I didn't wake up on my own until 8:30 and was shocked to see the time. I logged in on my work laptop and answered some emails and them climbed up the stairs to see what was delaying him. I found this:

The dump truck was not on his bed when he went to sleep, so he'd gone to get it whenever he woke up, put his puppy and shark in the truck bed, and was reading them "Dear Zoo." As I opened the door I heard him say, "Then I go an elephant!! but it was TOO BIG."

I can't wait to see him read it to his little sister.

Frozen Moments

There are so many little moments with Landon that I try to freeze in my mind forever. He's such a marvelous mix of sweetness and curiousity that JP and I can spend hours repeating the things he's said and done to each other and laughing. I think this is why we yell at each other less about politics- we're too busy recounting the way Landon tucked his puppy and shark and car and golf ball and plastic horse and big dump truck into bed with him.

We always read 2-3 books as part of bedtime. After eleventy million recitations of "B is for Bulldozer" and freak-outs that "LOOK MAMA! a snowman!" on page 8 and "yes, Landon, the snow man is STILL THERE... on the page where it is permanently frozen forever," I misplaced the book in a stack downstairs and brought up a few new options. Change is good. Piggies was the first up and if you don't have this book you should get it because it's a delightful little bedtime stories that ends in kissing your wee one goodnight, and the illustrations are fabulous. Now I'm sure this little memory won't come across as well in blog format, but I need to record the story to go back and read later when Landon is a man of the world at thirteen and makes me grind my teeth in frustration more than he makes me melt with the adorableness.

So we're snuggled in his bed, being introduced to the various piggies, and the book says, "Sometimes they're hot piggies" and Landon immediately cries, "mama! we gotta blow on them!" just like when his food is too hot. He blew enthusiastically at the page and then announced they weren't hot anymore. Phew.

On the next page the piggies are "cold piggies" and Landon exclaimed, "they gotta put on some pants!!".

Okay, it cracked me up at the time.

Then after our reading was over (we finished out story time with Dear Zoo, a forever classic, and Bark George, which had dominated our reading routine for months last year), Landon snuggled in his bed while I sang him our song. He held my hand and when I was done with "Sunshine" he said quietly, "Mama home. Daddy home. And Lanan home." And then after a little sigh and a pause, added "and Tex home. and Rosie home. and Yilly home." I gave him a kiss, he let go of my hand, and I walked downstairs feeling very peaceful and happy. It's the same feeling I used to get when I was camping as a kid and fell asleep with the warm knowledge that all of my family was under the same little roof. There's a coziness and contentment to knowing you're all together and safe and sound at the end of the day and it was the first time I'd heard Landon remark on it -- that subtle difference between a house and home. We were all home.

Appointments and Reflections

I had another perinatal appointment this morning. All is well - my NP was very pleased with the ultrasound results my OB sent over last week (the two offices work well together, it's nice) and congratulated me on my baby girl. I described baby #2's nursery to her as I got my shot (thanks to etsy.com and a very legally unproductive few days last week, I now have all the wall decor picked out too) and finished up my appointment with a renewed promise to look into prenatal yoga. It's annoying to have to drive over there every week, but it's probably good for me to sit down with someone for 20 minutes to talk about my week and my pregnancy. It's like therapy and prenatal health care all in one!

Everything with work is also good. My case is still full steam ahead for a March 1 trial, but it's a controlled steam and I love being so deeply involved in preparing one of the most famous litigators in our state for a jury trial. Several people have asked how it's been as a pregnant BigLaw associate, and as I found when I was a pregnant law student and then pregnant summer associate, it's just not that big of a deal. At least not in any negative way. Nearly everyone in my section has children, the majority of our associates are female, and since I interviewed here back in 2006, not one woman has failed to return from maternity leave. To me that says a lot about how female attorneys here feel they can balance their career and their family. Two of the last three women to make partner in our office have three children, so it's not a big black mark against you the way I've had friends describe in their firms. Of course these women are also brilliant and kick ass attorneys, so it's nice when that gets to matter more than the number of children you've birthed. (As a side note, both of those women have stay-at-home husbands; I'm not yet sure you can have that kind of career and that number of children without one stay home, or at least part-time working parent, but figure it's a puzzle I don't yet need to solve.)

This doesn't mean I don't worry about having a second child and being an attorney. I've worked hard and done well in my 17 months here. I've been rated in the highest possible category in my reviews and I'm always requested for work. I've done this with a toddler and never missed a dinner or bedtime (unless I'm traveling, which is usually rare). I like my cases and love the roles I've been able to carve for myself. From a career perspective, I don't like that I will be totally out of the loop for 3 months. Of course from a mommy perspective, I'm glad for it. (Another side note: we get 3 months paid maternity leave, an optional additional 3 months of unpaid FMLA leave, and/or 3 months to phase back in to full time by working 50%, 60%, and 70% for a month each, while being paid at 60%. Without knowing JP's job situation I plan to return full-time after 3 months. I would be only the second woman in my section not to take the full 9 months to come back to full-time and no one seems to believe I will actually come back after that little time off. And not that I'm not grateful for the option, but after Landon's babyhood, 3 months sounds like a very long time. I'm sure I'll talk more about that later.)

My biggest challenge right now is forcing myself to step back from (or at least stop volunteering for) things. And it's not hard so much because I'm afraid of retribution from my firm or the partners I work for, it's hard because I really do like what I do and I'm not sure how or what to slow down. It's not like I bill 200 hours a month on a regular basis. I feel like I already draw pretty bold lines between work and family time. And my biggest challenge is that I apparently can't tell when I'm stressed. I've always been busy- from high school as a varsity and US national swimmer taking 5 honors classes, to college with swimming, being a liberal arts honors program major and pre-med through my electives and working, to law school and a baby -- this is what I do. I'm happy. As I told the partner who sat down in my office last week after she heard about my worrisome perinatal appointment, closed the door, and said, "you have to help us know when you are doing too much." I really don't know what that is. I need a red warning light somewhere on my person. I feel like these cases are MY cases and I do not like the idea of being pushed away from them. I know everyone means well and the partner assured me, with an air of near annoyance, that my reputation will in no way suffer because I have a high risk pregnancy. The work will be here when I get back and people will want me to do it. But it's hard to feel like I'm giving up my place, even temporarily. How can it not matter, even a little, that I'm suddenly saying no to things?

These are just the things that float around in my head. In reality, I will of course do what I need to protect this pregnancy and my little girl. There is nothing that matters more than that. But it's easy to rank the priorities; it's harder to live them when you're not sure what you should be doing (or not doing) on a daily basis to make sure they're in proper order.

In the meantime, it turns out that 2 1/2 might be even more delightful than age 2, and I'm enjoying every single second I spend with Landon. I've also loved reading all your comments on the name post- thank you for making my blog such a fun community to be part of. I believe we have named our daughter (and by "we" I mean I, without objection from JP), though we're not ready to share it yet. I'm oddly pleased that it's not among your suggestions, lovely as they were, though her middle name is. I also need to post a pregnancy pic soon- my belly is now an entity unto itself and I finally look pregnant to all those who see me. So much better than that squishy in-between phase.