Closing that Chapter

It's obviously been a long time since I posted anything and even longer since I posted regularly. I got busy, ran out of things to say and, for a long time, couldn't publish things I needed/wanted to say.  I am sure no one actually comes to this little space of the internet anymore but I wanted to provide a little closure to this journal that I started 6 years ago. 

As of two days ago, I am officially unemployed.  Backtracking, I went out on maternity leave one year ago, a few weeks before my third baby was born.  I was almost positive at the time that I would not be returning but I wanted to keep doors open in case I changed my mind.  My sweet baby boy was born on May 10th, we closed escrow on our first house May 30th, moved a few days later and I began my stint as a stay-at-home-mom.  I was, of course, paid through September and then permitted to continue my leave of absence unpaid after that.  Surprisingly, I did actually vacillate a bit about whether to return to work and I even applied (half-heartedly) to a job at a smaller law firm (which turned out to have been filled prior to my application). 

Ultimately, I knew I could not be happy if I returned to my old job.  I feel really lucky to be able to stay home right now.  My biggest fear was that I was completely foreclosing the possibility of working as a lawyer later in life if I left the working world for a year or two.  And maybe I have done just that.  But I am realizing that I just don't care.  So far, things have worked out just fine even when I didn't follow the plan prescribed by others (or even myself).  Who am I to say that things won't just work out down the road.  And how do I even know at this point in my life what "working out" will mean in 5 years?  I obviously wasn't happy at the firm, so why was I so worried that I might never do that again?

The community we moved to is THE BEST place to have a young family and the quality of our life has been 1000% better than when I was working.  For the first time in ... maybe forever ... I sleep enough at night, I work out every day (and have never felt better), I cook all our meals and we eat dinner as a family, and I have time to do things for myself.  I actually have tons of adult interaction and it's fun time for me, not time that I should be billing.  I no longer miss preschool events or soccer practices or meeting my kids' new friends.  My husband's work-life balance has been so much easier because he no longer has to worry about daycare drop offs.  I feel more connected with my kids and I'm happier as a mom, as a wife and as a person.  And after reading the above, it probably isn't shocking that I don't miss working as a lawyer AT ALL.

Basically, I am happy. I am less stressed.  Life is good.  As for being a lawyer, I am not ready to hang that hat up quite yet.  I probably would still be working today if I had already made a move to a less stressful work environment and I still may try to do that some day.  I also have been talking to friends about potentially starting a business or getting into a new practice, like estate planning.  I may try to do some contract work soon to tap into my legal brain and make a little money on the side.  But none of that feels urgently necessary. 

My whole life has been all about trying to get that next gold star and do whatever people have told me is good and admirable.  Once I became a mom, I started hearing another voice telling me that maybe it's ok to just do what feels right and makes me happy.  Turning 30 last year felt like a good time to start living the life that seemed good at this very moment.  One year in to my experiment and I can't remember being this happy before.  When my kids are a little older or when I am even more removed from Big Law, I might want to step back into the working world.  But even if the only job I can get is working as a secretary, I don't think I'll regret taking this time to be home with my kids.  It practically breaks my heart that my littlest is turning 1 in two weeks.  How is that possible?!

I doubt very much that I'll post again on this blog, but I do still read everyone else's blogs and I am forever thankful for what this little MILP community has done for me in my time as a law student, new mother and lawyer.