I'm one of those, I-kind-of-hate-Valentine's-Day-but-I-love-the-candy-and-dressing-in-festive-colors-anyway kind of gal. I don't care that it's (completely!) a Hallmark holiday or really that it "forces" people to show/declare their love one day rather than throughout the year. I just refuse to make plans OUT on Valentine's evening because it is so crowded everywhere, full of awkward people who never go out with each other the rest of the year and it costs double what it normally does.
Today, PJO and I got away and had a lunch date at a restaurant near the halfway point between our offices. Other than the fact that work made me late, it was perfect. Quiet and romantic, outside in the beautiful sunshine. We don't normally do gifts, but he surprised me with flowers and cupcakes from the best bakery EVER. I surprised him with concert tickets to a band he loves and I ...don't. Tonight we have plans to eat heart-shaped pizza and drink champagne, like we do every year.
Timmy loves Valentines day too. He had a party at school today and we brought valentines to give to his classmates. They were the perforated Toy Story 32-to-a-box cards, which PJO helped him write "To Friend, From Timmy" on and tape a candy to. Timmy painstakingly put a heart sticker in the perfect place on every single one while eating his oatmeal this morning.
Ellie is wearing her heart ruffle-butt leggings and that is the extent of her participation in the holiday, but that's enough.
The best part of today, though, is related to shoes. I realized Sunday that Ellie has no shoes to wear for her baptism, which is this coming Sunday. I looked online and found a pair at Nordstrom that I loved, but they didn't have them in stock anywhere local and I didn't want to chance the timing of shipping. So then I found them on Zappos. While I was there, I got a pair of dress shoes for Timmy that were on sale. And then the suggestions on the right side of my screen flashed a beautiful pair of pumps that were only available in my size and were about half off. So I closed my eyes and figured it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Placed the order Sunday afternoon and paid $7 to upgrade shipping to 3 days just in case. I noticed that I hadn't received an email saying "your order has shipped!" this morning, so I called Zappos to see if they knew when it would ship. The Customer Service rep said, let me refund you that $7 and upgrade you to next day UPS. Oh, and here, let me invite you to VIP membership, so you will always get free next-business-day shipping. So even though I didn't complain, I got all sorts of perks. Talk about amazing customer service. Now I should get the shoes on Thursday! WOOHOO
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Size Matters
Corporette has a post today about "appropriate" engagement ring size and since I'm bored at work, I actually read the comments. The topic seemed timely to me because several work friends have gotten engaged in the past few weeks and there has been a lot of lunch-time discussion about diamond rings. Even though I've been married only three and a half years, I feel far removed from the engagement stage. Being happily married with a family, it's hard for me to remember ever caring so much about a piece of jewelery as some of these commenters seem to.
I personally had no input on the ring I received. In fact, PJO bought the ring long before he proposed and I was completely shocked when he asked me. Luckily, he has good taste. It's a very simple, classic design. Round cut solitaire in a thin, platinum setting. Not small, but not too big. I love it. Because the prongs stick out kind of far, I thought a straight wedding band would look silly next to it because there was a gap showing too much finger for my taste. The band I picked out was an infinity design of small, pave diamonds set in platinum, where the prongs would fit perfectly into a groove in the infinity design.
I love that my band is unique and makes my simple engagement ring look interesting. I love that my husband put so much thought and care into picking out a ring that would be a "forever" ring. But...sometimes, I wish I could just wear a plain, solid band instead. The engagement ring sometimes gets in the way and the band has so many nooks and crannies that I'm always nervous it will get too dirty. I take both off every night and whenever I put on lotion or sunscreen. How simple would it be to just wear a plain, solid band and not worry about it?
Engagement rings are just another example of how sometimes you just need to go through something before realizing how important (or not) it really is. The wedding industry tells bride and grooms-to-be that they better make their wedding the best they can afford because they only get one and it is the best day of your life. The diamond industry tells men to spend two months of their salary on a piece of jewelry because she will expect and/or demand it. A great wedding and a pretty diamond are nice, but so unimportant in the big scheme of things. The wedding is one day, the ring can be taken off, but you'll be with your partner the rest of your life. Very little focus is placed on that as far as I can tell (except by older relatives, in my experience).
For the record, I have no regrets about my wedding and I wouldn't change a thing if I could go back in time and pick a different ring. My only point (if I have one), is that I can't believe how much people stress themselves out over planning "the perfect" wedding or shopping for "THE" ring. And I find it so sad that women judge others' engagement rings. I know of people who's parents were still paying off the wedding after they'd divorced. Sometimes I just wish things were as simple today as they were generations ago.
I personally had no input on the ring I received. In fact, PJO bought the ring long before he proposed and I was completely shocked when he asked me. Luckily, he has good taste. It's a very simple, classic design. Round cut solitaire in a thin, platinum setting. Not small, but not too big. I love it. Because the prongs stick out kind of far, I thought a straight wedding band would look silly next to it because there was a gap showing too much finger for my taste. The band I picked out was an infinity design of small, pave diamonds set in platinum, where the prongs would fit perfectly into a groove in the infinity design.
I love that my band is unique and makes my simple engagement ring look interesting. I love that my husband put so much thought and care into picking out a ring that would be a "forever" ring. But...sometimes, I wish I could just wear a plain, solid band instead. The engagement ring sometimes gets in the way and the band has so many nooks and crannies that I'm always nervous it will get too dirty. I take both off every night and whenever I put on lotion or sunscreen. How simple would it be to just wear a plain, solid band and not worry about it?
Engagement rings are just another example of how sometimes you just need to go through something before realizing how important (or not) it really is. The wedding industry tells bride and grooms-to-be that they better make their wedding the best they can afford because they only get one and it is the best day of your life. The diamond industry tells men to spend two months of their salary on a piece of jewelry because she will expect and/or demand it. A great wedding and a pretty diamond are nice, but so unimportant in the big scheme of things. The wedding is one day, the ring can be taken off, but you'll be with your partner the rest of your life. Very little focus is placed on that as far as I can tell (except by older relatives, in my experience).
For the record, I have no regrets about my wedding and I wouldn't change a thing if I could go back in time and pick a different ring. My only point (if I have one), is that I can't believe how much people stress themselves out over planning "the perfect" wedding or shopping for "THE" ring. And I find it so sad that women judge others' engagement rings. I know of people who's parents were still paying off the wedding after they'd divorced. Sometimes I just wish things were as simple today as they were generations ago.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
First Comes Love, Then Comes...?
One of my best friends and the maid of honor at my wedding called yesterday to tell me that she is planning on moving in with her boyfriend. She wanted advice from someone who was neither her parents nor her boyfriend about the pros and cons. I think I was picked because all turned out well after I lived with PJO prior to being engaged and married.
She struggled with feeling like she was a fairly traditional girl (who certainly has traditional parents) but at the same time feeling like co-habitating was the next natural step. They have discussed marriage quite a bit and both want that, just not right now. She also wondered if moving in with him would just cause him to delay proposing until much further down the road...you know, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?
I told her that I honestly can't believe some people get married without having lived together first. It seems to me like the best way to know if you'll be compatible living with someone for the rest of your life is to just do it for a little while. The most in love and perfect couple can make horrible roommates, which would make marriage hard, especially in the beginning.
Living together exposes weird idiosyncrasies and helps a couple work out the kinks of sharing a home before the wedding, when just adjusting to newlywed status can be a little stressful in itself. PJO was fully exposed to my OCD before saying "I do" so after carrying me over the threshold (again), he knew right away to use the pink sponge for dishes and the yellow sponge for counter tops.
Obviously if the relationship is not solid enough to withstand marriage, it would be nice to know that before the wedding. Living together can help sort out those relationships from the real thing. But at the same time, a successful test run can really give you peace of mind on the big day that you're making a good decision and help you just enjoy the day instead of paying any attention to the nerves and anxiety.
As a practical matter, usually moving in together happens at the point in the relationship where you are basically living together anyway. Every night is spent together, in one place or another. So why not cut down expenses and pay for one apartment? Why not save time and avoid commuting from one to the other?
Now that I've been happily married for a few years, I look back and wonder how different our lives would be if we hadn't moved in together when we were dating. It's hard to say, because we moved to CA from NYC before getting engaged. Maybe it was the right order for PJO and I, despite being non-traditional. Maybe it was "right" because it's what almost all of our friends did and it seemed normal. Perhaps PJO and I should just consider ourselves lucky that despite living together, we wound up happily married.
She struggled with feeling like she was a fairly traditional girl (who certainly has traditional parents) but at the same time feeling like co-habitating was the next natural step. They have discussed marriage quite a bit and both want that, just not right now. She also wondered if moving in with him would just cause him to delay proposing until much further down the road...you know, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?
I told her that I honestly can't believe some people get married without having lived together first. It seems to me like the best way to know if you'll be compatible living with someone for the rest of your life is to just do it for a little while. The most in love and perfect couple can make horrible roommates, which would make marriage hard, especially in the beginning.
Living together exposes weird idiosyncrasies and helps a couple work out the kinks of sharing a home before the wedding, when just adjusting to newlywed status can be a little stressful in itself. PJO was fully exposed to my OCD before saying "I do" so after carrying me over the threshold (again), he knew right away to use the pink sponge for dishes and the yellow sponge for counter tops.
Obviously if the relationship is not solid enough to withstand marriage, it would be nice to know that before the wedding. Living together can help sort out those relationships from the real thing. But at the same time, a successful test run can really give you peace of mind on the big day that you're making a good decision and help you just enjoy the day instead of paying any attention to the nerves and anxiety.
As a practical matter, usually moving in together happens at the point in the relationship where you are basically living together anyway. Every night is spent together, in one place or another. So why not cut down expenses and pay for one apartment? Why not save time and avoid commuting from one to the other?
Now that I've been happily married for a few years, I look back and wonder how different our lives would be if we hadn't moved in together when we were dating. It's hard to say, because we moved to CA from NYC before getting engaged. Maybe it was the right order for PJO and I, despite being non-traditional. Maybe it was "right" because it's what almost all of our friends did and it seemed normal. Perhaps PJO and I should just consider ourselves lucky that despite living together, we wound up happily married.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Two Blissful Years
PJO and I celebrated our wedding anniversary last night.
A lot has happened in the past two years...law school, baby, trips, two moves. Sometimes I have no idea where that time went and I can't seem to pick out too many specific memories from the past two years. Yet the entire wedding weekend is still completely clear in my mind and I remember every single moment like it was yesterday. It was such a great day and I remember thinking that I had never felt more in love. I know I picked the right guy because I can honestly say I love him more and more with each passing day.
PJO sent me red roses, then we went out to an amazing steak dinner, complete with delicious red wine and romantic lighting.
At home we shared some champagne and red velvet cake (our wedding cake was red velvet).
All in all, it was the best fancy-date night I've ever had and it was a great reminder that before there was a Timmy and long after he leaves home, PJO and I are spouses, best friends and partners.
Wearing the trucker hats we made for our wedding guests...there are approximately 15 still under our bed.
A lot has happened in the past two years...law school, baby, trips, two moves. Sometimes I have no idea where that time went and I can't seem to pick out too many specific memories from the past two years. Yet the entire wedding weekend is still completely clear in my mind and I remember every single moment like it was yesterday. It was such a great day and I remember thinking that I had never felt more in love. I know I picked the right guy because I can honestly say I love him more and more with each passing day.
PJO sent me red roses, then we went out to an amazing steak dinner, complete with delicious red wine and romantic lighting.
At home we shared some champagne and red velvet cake (our wedding cake was red velvet).
All in all, it was the best fancy-date night I've ever had and it was a great reminder that before there was a Timmy and long after he leaves home, PJO and I are spouses, best friends and partners.
Wearing the trucker hats we made for our wedding guests...there are approximately 15 still under our bed.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
"For the kids"
I might be the only one, but I found last night's episode of Jon and Kate plus 8 so depressing. Obviously any time a couple divorces, it is sad, but this for some reason just seemed even worse.
I can barely stand watching Kate do anything, especially speak. I'm sure she means well and doesn't intend to be a bitch, but she is the meanest, rudest woman. It's one thing to try and provide the best in the world for your kids, but it's a whole other story when you put your kids far above your marriage. She treats Jon (her husband) like one of her kids (no, worse than that...the disobedient kid) in front of her family and the world. She thinks there is only one right way, and it's always her way.
No one is perfect. Sometimes marriages don't work out and the parents have to make the best of it from there. Kate says she will act civilly with Jon so that she can see her kids on all the holidays, and in the show last night, you see them all go out to a family brunch for Mother's Day. But she completely disappeared for Father's Day and didn't care to be with everyone then. No matter what, it's all about her.
Coming from divorced parents, I actually agree that sometimes it is "better for the kids" for the parents to go their separate ways. Sure, it's awful to grow up in a home without both parents in a loving relationship. But I can't even imagine the toll on their psyche having parents who argue and treat each other like shit all the time. What kind of role model of marriage is that? And that sure as hell isn't a peaceful, nurturing environment to grow up in. I think there is something to be said for both parents being happy and that being a positive influence on the children.
My parents didn't make their marriage work. Sometimes I can sympathize with why they broke up. At least they remained friends and were both always present in my life and my brothers' lives. And they still taught us to honor the other parent. Each would give us money and help us do something nice for the other on Mother's or Father's Day. We could never play one off the other when we wanted something because they would consult with each other and make a united front. It wasn't perfect, but I really do think they tried their hardest to make the best of the situation once they did get divorced.
But just because you can make it work doesn't mean you should. It is certainly better if you can make the marriage work. Sometimes you just want to reach out into the TV and grab a hold of their shoulders, shake them and yell "what are you doing?!?! This little fight is stupid. Act like adults, you can make it work!!"
Besides the fact that I think it it is sad Jon and Kate are divorcing, I think she is a fucking idiot for doing it. How in the hell is anyone going to raise 8 kids on their own? I'm sure she will hire nannies and assistants, but at some point they will run out of money. I don't think a broken family making fools of themselves on national TV is TLC's thing. And she'll be so lonely. She has no friends because she's a bitch. She won't have a husband to boss around. She'll be lonely and bitter. That's just sad.
When they flash back to the first show they ever filmed, you see both parents happy, kids smiling and normal people on the screen. These days, they don't smile, they don't act like they have any affection for each other and they look like washed up D-list celebrities. It's so sad to see how quickly that transformation happened. I kind of understand why they did the show...it takes a lot of money to provide a decent lifestyle for that many people. But they clearly chose money over their family.
How many times have we seen a reality TV couple survive their own show? There you go, they chose it.
Take-home lesson: be nice to your spouse and act like you like them.
I can barely stand watching Kate do anything, especially speak. I'm sure she means well and doesn't intend to be a bitch, but she is the meanest, rudest woman. It's one thing to try and provide the best in the world for your kids, but it's a whole other story when you put your kids far above your marriage. She treats Jon (her husband) like one of her kids (no, worse than that...the disobedient kid) in front of her family and the world. She thinks there is only one right way, and it's always her way.
No one is perfect. Sometimes marriages don't work out and the parents have to make the best of it from there. Kate says she will act civilly with Jon so that she can see her kids on all the holidays, and in the show last night, you see them all go out to a family brunch for Mother's Day. But she completely disappeared for Father's Day and didn't care to be with everyone then. No matter what, it's all about her.
Coming from divorced parents, I actually agree that sometimes it is "better for the kids" for the parents to go their separate ways. Sure, it's awful to grow up in a home without both parents in a loving relationship. But I can't even imagine the toll on their psyche having parents who argue and treat each other like shit all the time. What kind of role model of marriage is that? And that sure as hell isn't a peaceful, nurturing environment to grow up in. I think there is something to be said for both parents being happy and that being a positive influence on the children.
My parents didn't make their marriage work. Sometimes I can sympathize with why they broke up. At least they remained friends and were both always present in my life and my brothers' lives. And they still taught us to honor the other parent. Each would give us money and help us do something nice for the other on Mother's or Father's Day. We could never play one off the other when we wanted something because they would consult with each other and make a united front. It wasn't perfect, but I really do think they tried their hardest to make the best of the situation once they did get divorced.
But just because you can make it work doesn't mean you should. It is certainly better if you can make the marriage work. Sometimes you just want to reach out into the TV and grab a hold of their shoulders, shake them and yell "what are you doing?!?! This little fight is stupid. Act like adults, you can make it work!!"
Besides the fact that I think it it is sad Jon and Kate are divorcing, I think she is a fucking idiot for doing it. How in the hell is anyone going to raise 8 kids on their own? I'm sure she will hire nannies and assistants, but at some point they will run out of money. I don't think a broken family making fools of themselves on national TV is TLC's thing. And she'll be so lonely. She has no friends because she's a bitch. She won't have a husband to boss around. She'll be lonely and bitter. That's just sad.
When they flash back to the first show they ever filmed, you see both parents happy, kids smiling and normal people on the screen. These days, they don't smile, they don't act like they have any affection for each other and they look like washed up D-list celebrities. It's so sad to see how quickly that transformation happened. I kind of understand why they did the show...it takes a lot of money to provide a decent lifestyle for that many people. But they clearly chose money over their family.
How many times have we seen a reality TV couple survive their own show? There you go, they chose it.
Take-home lesson: be nice to your spouse and act like you like them.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
An Ode to Law School
Tomorrow morning I graduate from law school. PJO, Timmy, my parents, brothers and PJO's parents will all be there supporting me. Many of the good friends I have made will be beside me. The professors that have mentored me will stand before me. I'll be there to bid adieu to a great experience and chapter of my life.
I remember that first day of orientation, being so nervous because everyone always talks about how hard law school is and because I didn't know what to expect. I honestly didn't even know what a tort was until about halfway through my first class. That seems like just yesterday except now law school is the furthest thing from daunting. It's more like my comfort zone now.
If there is one thing law school has taught me, it's to believe in myself (despite infrequent meltdowns). I've always been independent and usually very self-confident, but sometimes when everything rolls off my back so easily, it is just an outward manifestation of and overcompensation for the insecurity I secretly feel. These days, I really believe in myself even when the odds are stacked against me. If I had told that nervous girl at orientation that I would be graduating a married mother of one with a good job lined up and mostly good memories of law school, I am not sure I would have believed it myself.
The past three years have reminded me that it's dangerous to compare yourself to others. I got through school by doing what seemed right to me and ignoring what everyone else said and did. I can count the number of times I stayed up past midnight doing work on one hand. Sometimes I would sit in a class on the first day and feel completely overwhelmed by the amount of work I would need to do in order to really understand the material. Feeling that way made eventually learning everything that much more rewarding.
I honestly hope that even if my days as a student are over, I remember and apply the lessons I've learned here to all aspects of my life. Whatever path my career follows and wherever I end up, I will really cherish memories from these past three years.
It makes me want to cry thinking about everything thhat my family has done to help me get here. I remember when I moved out here from New York and I needed a car, my parents both gave me some money for a down payment. My dad drove me up to school for a tour and my mom sent care packages during finals. They always seemed really proud that I was in law school...
My biggest thanks has to go to PJO. I mean seriously, he sacrificed more than I did for law school. He moved away from his family for the first time--across the country no less--to be with me. He worked and supported me while I brought in no money. Not only that, but he put up with wedding nonsense and then baby nonsense. I always say "we paid for our own wedding" but really, PJO paid for it (since I had no income). He makes a lot of little sacrifices all the time... like taking off work the days I have final exams and taking Timmy out to play so I can study.
He put up amazingly well with all the ridiculous law school talk that inevitably permeated every social event we went to and didn't complain. I think he even tried to learn some of the stuff I was studying so that we could talk about it together. Most of all he was loving, patient and kept me incredibly grounded.
Up until now I hadn't felt proud for graduating law school. Law school was just my occupation...it was just what I did. Graduating was simply the logical result. But when I think about how quickly the last three years have passed by, it suddenly reminds me of the blur that Timmy's babyhood has been. Before it's too late, I want to really stop and soak up every minute. This was truly one of the best times of my life, maybe not in the same way that college was, but no less great. Instead of being sad that it's over, I want to be happy to be finishing and successfully moving on to the next great thing in my life, whatever that may be!
I remember that first day of orientation, being so nervous because everyone always talks about how hard law school is and because I didn't know what to expect. I honestly didn't even know what a tort was until about halfway through my first class. That seems like just yesterday except now law school is the furthest thing from daunting. It's more like my comfort zone now.
If there is one thing law school has taught me, it's to believe in myself (despite infrequent meltdowns). I've always been independent and usually very self-confident, but sometimes when everything rolls off my back so easily, it is just an outward manifestation of and overcompensation for the insecurity I secretly feel. These days, I really believe in myself even when the odds are stacked against me. If I had told that nervous girl at orientation that I would be graduating a married mother of one with a good job lined up and mostly good memories of law school, I am not sure I would have believed it myself.
The past three years have reminded me that it's dangerous to compare yourself to others. I got through school by doing what seemed right to me and ignoring what everyone else said and did. I can count the number of times I stayed up past midnight doing work on one hand. Sometimes I would sit in a class on the first day and feel completely overwhelmed by the amount of work I would need to do in order to really understand the material. Feeling that way made eventually learning everything that much more rewarding.
I honestly hope that even if my days as a student are over, I remember and apply the lessons I've learned here to all aspects of my life. Whatever path my career follows and wherever I end up, I will really cherish memories from these past three years.
It makes me want to cry thinking about everything thhat my family has done to help me get here. I remember when I moved out here from New York and I needed a car, my parents both gave me some money for a down payment. My dad drove me up to school for a tour and my mom sent care packages during finals. They always seemed really proud that I was in law school...
My biggest thanks has to go to PJO. I mean seriously, he sacrificed more than I did for law school. He moved away from his family for the first time--across the country no less--to be with me. He worked and supported me while I brought in no money. Not only that, but he put up with wedding nonsense and then baby nonsense. I always say "we paid for our own wedding" but really, PJO paid for it (since I had no income). He makes a lot of little sacrifices all the time... like taking off work the days I have final exams and taking Timmy out to play so I can study.
He put up amazingly well with all the ridiculous law school talk that inevitably permeated every social event we went to and didn't complain. I think he even tried to learn some of the stuff I was studying so that we could talk about it together. Most of all he was loving, patient and kept me incredibly grounded.
Up until now I hadn't felt proud for graduating law school. Law school was just my occupation...it was just what I did. Graduating was simply the logical result. But when I think about how quickly the last three years have passed by, it suddenly reminds me of the blur that Timmy's babyhood has been. Before it's too late, I want to really stop and soak up every minute. This was truly one of the best times of my life, maybe not in the same way that college was, but no less great. Instead of being sad that it's over, I want to be happy to be finishing and successfully moving on to the next great thing in my life, whatever that may be!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Love and Marriage
A few months ago, there was an article on CNN about theories behind how people choose who they marry. It suggests that we end up marrying people like our parents because we find comfort in that which is familiar to us. I always find it really interesting to see who people pair themselves off with and it never ceases to fascinate me which relationships turn out to be successful and which ones fail. Do opposites really attract? Do we seek someone who likes the same things we do? One thing is clear... there is no universal rule for relationships.
For most of us, our parent's marriage is the most detailed case study we will ever have of how that relationship works. Presumably, it can teach us both what to do and what not to do. Considering my parents are divorced, I'm hoping I learned a few pitfalls to avoid: i.e. find someone with the same religion or at least a similar faith background (note to self: Catholicism and Atheism don't mesh well). Some people seem to think that I'm more prone to divorce because I come from a "broken" home, but I think that I'm that much more determined to marry the right person and make it work because I "learned" the lesson from my parents.
In some ways, I am one of the women who end up marrying a man that has a lot in common with her father. PJO and my dad are two of the smartest men I know. They're both easy going and fun, entrepreneur types. They're both the youngest child of three. But whereas my dad completely rejects tradition, is not a "family man" and shows little-to-no emotion, PJO is the opposite. He comes from a big, traditional Italian family where family is THE MOST important thing. He is emotional and not very shy about showing his feelings. And I can't help but think that I self-selected these traits for the man I would marry. Somewhere between my parents divorcing and getting married myself, I identified my dad's independence and refusal to be tied into anything traditional or expected of him as the major source of conflict in his marriage to my mom.
Personally, I didn't think too philosophically or abstractly about whether I was making the right choice in marrying PJO. I didn't take into account the ways in which he was similar to and different from my father. I didn't plan out the dynamic of our relationship so that we wouldn't encounter the problems that my parents did. But I had no doubts about whether he was right for me. I knew with absolute certainty that we would be blissfully happy together. All I cared about was that we had a solid foundation of compatibility and I didn't want to live my life without him.
It's exciting to think that we have this clean slate and can make our marriage as strong and loving as we want. PJO and I have agreed that we want to always strive to put our marriage first in our family. We think it's really important in raising our child(ren) to show them how a successful marriage operates... not just for teaching them how to select a spouse and act when they get married one day, but also for teaching them the role that they play in the family unit. (Some people say the behavioral problems with kids today are due to their needs always coming before everything else, including the well-being of the parents and their marriage... I emphatically agree). I can't imagine anything better to give my kids than a loving and stable home and family.
In some ways, PJO and I are a lot alike: we are both nerdy and pretty straight-edge. We are rather homebody-ish (having friends over for dinner parties is like our ideal social activity). We love traveling, we love being with friends and family. We love eating and drinking and laughing.
In other ways, we couldn't be more opposite. He's an introvert, I'm a total extrovert. He likes sci-fi and action, I like comedy and drama. I like country, classic rock and pop music, he likes alternative rock. He's a saver, I'm a spender. He's emotional, I'm not. He likes more of the indoor activities, I like more outdoor stuff. He likes freedom and doing things his own way, I like structure and following rules. I'm a (borderline ?) OCD neat freak and he...isn't.
We have become a little more like each other and we compromise on the things we need to, but I think the differences individually make us more interesting as a couple. That's one thing to say for marrying young...you're still growing and changing as an individual, but if you pick the right person, you can both grow and change in the same direction.
We also fall more in love with each other as time goes on. I think this song sums it up pretty well.
Want to know more? I loved LL's answers to this meme, so I copied it!
1. What are your middle names?
Joseph and Ellen. Both family names.
2. How long have you been together?
Depends on when you start counting... I guess since September '04 (when we officially started dating).
3. How long did you know each other before you started dating?
10 months. We met on PJO's 23rd birthday. At the college bar. Both of us were wasted. We did the college hook up thing for a month or so (although he had already graduated), and then I went to study abroad in Spain, followed by living in CA for the summer. We started dating a few weeks after I got back to NY (September 2004).
4. Who asked whom out?
PJO asked me out. But the first time he did, it wasn't for a real date. I went to his place and we watched a movie. That was totally just a pretense for hooking up.
5. How old are each of you?
I just turned 26, he'll be 29 in November.
6. Whose siblings do you see the most?
It's a pretty equal split. We live closer to my brothers, but don't see them all that often, and only for a day at a time. When we visit PJO's family, we spend the whole trip with his brother and sister.
7. Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Well, the most stressful time of our relationship was August 2005. We were going to move in together at the end of the month, so I temporarily moved into his apartment. A dirty, 5th floor walk-up with no A/C in harlem. In NYC. In August. All of our belongings were crammed into a 10' x 13' room. Like all mature adults, we coped by drinking. I recall one Tuesday night where we were throwing back tequila shots after work. We had several fights that month.
8. Did you go to the same school?
Well, kind of. We both went to Columbia for undergrad, but I was in the College and he was in the Engineering school. We dated my senior year, but he was back in school getting his Masters that year.
Before college, PJO went to an all-boys Catholic jock school, with only 100 kids in his graduating class. I was one of about 650 graduating seniors from my public school.
9. Are you from the same home town?
Not even close. I grew up in Orange County, CA. He grew up in Bergen County, NJ.
10. Who is smarter?
I think he is. Luckily, we study different things so we don't have to actually think about it. I was a political science major and he was the math/science/computer guy.
11. Who is the most sensitive?
Him. He still yells at me for not crying when he proposed or when we got married. Hey, I also didn't cry when Timmy was born.
12. Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Hmmm. We eat out a fair amount. We love Wahoos fish tacos. In-n-out and Islands are my two favorites. Fritto Misto is my favorite Italian place nearby. We also order pizza way too often.
13. Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
We went on a cruise for our honeymoon to Puerto Rico, Barbados, St. Lucia, Antigua, Tortola and St. Thomas. We also flew from NJ to Hawaii last summer.
14. Who has the craziest exes?
I don't really have any. Therefore, PJO's. Also, even if I did have exes, it would still be PJO.
15. Who has the worst temper?
Neither. We don't work like that. I'm totally passive aggressive. He doesn't really get worked up about anything.
16. Who does the cooking?
Both. Depends on who is in the mood to cook, who has time and who gets around to it first. All else being equal, he is better at preparing meat and entrees. I'm better at side dishes/veggies and BAKING.
17. Who is the neat-freak?
Me. I may have mentioned it before, but I'm a little OCD. He's forced me to relax a little bit. Now I don't make the bed every day and my clothes are sometimes strewn across the floor in our room.
I can't stand the way anyone else washes dishes or loads the dishwasher, so I do that. He is obsessive about how is clothes are folded (he worked at the Gap in high school) and his computer.
18. Who is more stubborn?
Me. I'm an aries...I was just born that way. PJO sometimes puts up a valiant effort, but I usually win.
19. Who hogs the bed?
He would say I do. I say the cats do. This is saying something considering we have a California King bed and our cats weigh about 10 pounds each. They just have a knack for finding the spot exactly in the middle of where we sleep.
20. Who wakes up earlier?
This implies we go to bed. It all depends... I get up with Timmy, so right now it's usually me. But before Timmy, it was often him because he used to go for bike rides down to Manhattan Beach, leaving our apartment at 5:30am. When he rowed (our first year in LA) he sometimes would get up at 4:45am!
21. Where was your first date?
Our first date-date (in 2004) was to the most amazing Italian restaurant in the West Village called Vittorio's and then dessert at Rocco's pastry on Bleecker. He was the perfect gentleman and picked me up at my place even though we then took the subway to dinner.
22. Who is more jealous?
Him. Nothing really phases me, but he is a pretty possessive type. I'm not sure that he actually ever gets jealous anymore, but he is definitely more prone to it than me.
23. How long did it take to get serious?
Not long. We started dating in September 2004, we moved in together in August 2005. Then we got engaged in September 2006.
24. Who eats more?
Him. Although he doesn't always have room for dessert. I seem to have a separate compartment in my stomach for that.
25. Who does the laundry?
He does his clothes, and I usually do everything else. I kind of love doing laundry. I also am particular about how my clothes are done because I let a lot of stuff air dry (when you're as tall as me and have arms as long as I do, you can't afford to have things shrink in the dryer). Therefore, I don't think I would trust anyone else to ever do my laundry.
26. Who's better with the computer?
Ha. He is. He majored in Computer Science and then got his masters in it. He also built his computer. I know nothing beyond the features I use everyday.
27. Who drives when you are together?
He does. I think it's a man thing. The only times I have driven when he is in the car are 1) when he was so severely hungover that he could do nothing but curl up in the passenger seat and 2) on the rare occasion that I know the area better than he does.
For most of us, our parent's marriage is the most detailed case study we will ever have of how that relationship works. Presumably, it can teach us both what to do and what not to do. Considering my parents are divorced, I'm hoping I learned a few pitfalls to avoid: i.e. find someone with the same religion or at least a similar faith background (note to self: Catholicism and Atheism don't mesh well). Some people seem to think that I'm more prone to divorce because I come from a "broken" home, but I think that I'm that much more determined to marry the right person and make it work because I "learned" the lesson from my parents.
In some ways, I am one of the women who end up marrying a man that has a lot in common with her father. PJO and my dad are two of the smartest men I know. They're both easy going and fun, entrepreneur types. They're both the youngest child of three. But whereas my dad completely rejects tradition, is not a "family man" and shows little-to-no emotion, PJO is the opposite. He comes from a big, traditional Italian family where family is THE MOST important thing. He is emotional and not very shy about showing his feelings. And I can't help but think that I self-selected these traits for the man I would marry. Somewhere between my parents divorcing and getting married myself, I identified my dad's independence and refusal to be tied into anything traditional or expected of him as the major source of conflict in his marriage to my mom.
Personally, I didn't think too philosophically or abstractly about whether I was making the right choice in marrying PJO. I didn't take into account the ways in which he was similar to and different from my father. I didn't plan out the dynamic of our relationship so that we wouldn't encounter the problems that my parents did. But I had no doubts about whether he was right for me. I knew with absolute certainty that we would be blissfully happy together. All I cared about was that we had a solid foundation of compatibility and I didn't want to live my life without him.
It's exciting to think that we have this clean slate and can make our marriage as strong and loving as we want. PJO and I have agreed that we want to always strive to put our marriage first in our family. We think it's really important in raising our child(ren) to show them how a successful marriage operates... not just for teaching them how to select a spouse and act when they get married one day, but also for teaching them the role that they play in the family unit. (Some people say the behavioral problems with kids today are due to their needs always coming before everything else, including the well-being of the parents and their marriage... I emphatically agree). I can't imagine anything better to give my kids than a loving and stable home and family.
In some ways, PJO and I are a lot alike: we are both nerdy and pretty straight-edge. We are rather homebody-ish (having friends over for dinner parties is like our ideal social activity). We love traveling, we love being with friends and family. We love eating and drinking and laughing.
In other ways, we couldn't be more opposite. He's an introvert, I'm a total extrovert. He likes sci-fi and action, I like comedy and drama. I like country, classic rock and pop music, he likes alternative rock. He's a saver, I'm a spender. He's emotional, I'm not. He likes more of the indoor activities, I like more outdoor stuff. He likes freedom and doing things his own way, I like structure and following rules. I'm a (borderline ?) OCD neat freak and he...isn't.
We have become a little more like each other and we compromise on the things we need to, but I think the differences individually make us more interesting as a couple. That's one thing to say for marrying young...you're still growing and changing as an individual, but if you pick the right person, you can both grow and change in the same direction.
We also fall more in love with each other as time goes on. I think this song sums it up pretty well.
Want to know more? I loved LL's answers to this meme, so I copied it!
1. What are your middle names?
Joseph and Ellen. Both family names.
2. How long have you been together?
Depends on when you start counting... I guess since September '04 (when we officially started dating).
3. How long did you know each other before you started dating?
10 months. We met on PJO's 23rd birthday. At the college bar. Both of us were wasted. We did the college hook up thing for a month or so (although he had already graduated), and then I went to study abroad in Spain, followed by living in CA for the summer. We started dating a few weeks after I got back to NY (September 2004).
4. Who asked whom out?
PJO asked me out. But the first time he did, it wasn't for a real date. I went to his place and we watched a movie. That was totally just a pretense for hooking up.
5. How old are each of you?
I just turned 26, he'll be 29 in November.
6. Whose siblings do you see the most?
It's a pretty equal split. We live closer to my brothers, but don't see them all that often, and only for a day at a time. When we visit PJO's family, we spend the whole trip with his brother and sister.
7. Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Well, the most stressful time of our relationship was August 2005. We were going to move in together at the end of the month, so I temporarily moved into his apartment. A dirty, 5th floor walk-up with no A/C in harlem. In NYC. In August. All of our belongings were crammed into a 10' x 13' room. Like all mature adults, we coped by drinking. I recall one Tuesday night where we were throwing back tequila shots after work. We had several fights that month.
8. Did you go to the same school?
Well, kind of. We both went to Columbia for undergrad, but I was in the College and he was in the Engineering school. We dated my senior year, but he was back in school getting his Masters that year.
Before college, PJO went to an all-boys Catholic jock school, with only 100 kids in his graduating class. I was one of about 650 graduating seniors from my public school.
9. Are you from the same home town?
Not even close. I grew up in Orange County, CA. He grew up in Bergen County, NJ.
10. Who is smarter?
I think he is. Luckily, we study different things so we don't have to actually think about it. I was a political science major and he was the math/science/computer guy.
11. Who is the most sensitive?
Him. He still yells at me for not crying when he proposed or when we got married. Hey, I also didn't cry when Timmy was born.
12. Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Hmmm. We eat out a fair amount. We love Wahoos fish tacos. In-n-out and Islands are my two favorites. Fritto Misto is my favorite Italian place nearby. We also order pizza way too often.
13. Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
We went on a cruise for our honeymoon to Puerto Rico, Barbados, St. Lucia, Antigua, Tortola and St. Thomas. We also flew from NJ to Hawaii last summer.
14. Who has the craziest exes?
I don't really have any. Therefore, PJO's. Also, even if I did have exes, it would still be PJO.
15. Who has the worst temper?
Neither. We don't work like that. I'm totally passive aggressive. He doesn't really get worked up about anything.
16. Who does the cooking?
Both. Depends on who is in the mood to cook, who has time and who gets around to it first. All else being equal, he is better at preparing meat and entrees. I'm better at side dishes/veggies and BAKING.
17. Who is the neat-freak?
Me. I may have mentioned it before, but I'm a little OCD. He's forced me to relax a little bit. Now I don't make the bed every day and my clothes are sometimes strewn across the floor in our room.
I can't stand the way anyone else washes dishes or loads the dishwasher, so I do that. He is obsessive about how is clothes are folded (he worked at the Gap in high school) and his computer.
18. Who is more stubborn?
Me. I'm an aries...I was just born that way. PJO sometimes puts up a valiant effort, but I usually win.
19. Who hogs the bed?
He would say I do. I say the cats do. This is saying something considering we have a California King bed and our cats weigh about 10 pounds each. They just have a knack for finding the spot exactly in the middle of where we sleep.
20. Who wakes up earlier?
This implies we go to bed. It all depends... I get up with Timmy, so right now it's usually me. But before Timmy, it was often him because he used to go for bike rides down to Manhattan Beach, leaving our apartment at 5:30am. When he rowed (our first year in LA) he sometimes would get up at 4:45am!
21. Where was your first date?
Our first date-date (in 2004) was to the most amazing Italian restaurant in the West Village called Vittorio's and then dessert at Rocco's pastry on Bleecker. He was the perfect gentleman and picked me up at my place even though we then took the subway to dinner.
22. Who is more jealous?
Him. Nothing really phases me, but he is a pretty possessive type. I'm not sure that he actually ever gets jealous anymore, but he is definitely more prone to it than me.
23. How long did it take to get serious?
Not long. We started dating in September 2004, we moved in together in August 2005. Then we got engaged in September 2006.
24. Who eats more?
Him. Although he doesn't always have room for dessert. I seem to have a separate compartment in my stomach for that.
25. Who does the laundry?
He does his clothes, and I usually do everything else. I kind of love doing laundry. I also am particular about how my clothes are done because I let a lot of stuff air dry (when you're as tall as me and have arms as long as I do, you can't afford to have things shrink in the dryer). Therefore, I don't think I would trust anyone else to ever do my laundry.
26. Who's better with the computer?
Ha. He is. He majored in Computer Science and then got his masters in it. He also built his computer. I know nothing beyond the features I use everyday.
27. Who drives when you are together?
He does. I think it's a man thing. The only times I have driven when he is in the car are 1) when he was so severely hungover that he could do nothing but curl up in the passenger seat and 2) on the rare occasion that I know the area better than he does.
Monday, February 9, 2009
A Night on the Town
A great example of why my mom is so amazing:
When she came up on Friday to babysit so that PJO and I could go to a birthday party, she gave us our Valentine's Day present. And it might be the best Valentine's present I've ever gotten.
She will be coming up Saturday morning. PJO and I are going to the spa for a couple's massage that afternoon, and then we're staying at a hotel Saturday night while my mom watches Timmy. It will be our first night away from him. I still feel kind of weird about that... I'm pretty sure I'll miss him.* But wow, it will be so nice to have a relaxing night with PJO to just enjoy each other without the stress of baby, work, school, or everyday life. And we're always within 5 miles of home, so it should be anxiety-free. I am very excited!
I've never been that big on Valentine's Day. I love the excuse to eat chocolate and go out for a nice dinner, but it never seemed like I actually felt more love on that day than any other day. But this year, I feel a little differently. It's been so easy to focus on everything besides PJO and our marriage ... when we're not trying to get stuff done or spend time with the baby, we're desperately trying to catch up on sleep or eat or something. We haven't just taken time out to appreciate each other and our marriage since the baby was born, and we certainly haven't done this alone together. If ever there was a year where we could take advantage of a single day to spend the whole time thinking about our marriage and showing our love for one another, it was this year.
*Especially since he started being a perfect little angel at night. He's been sleeping for a 5 hour stretch, followed by a 3 hour stretch for about a week now. On Saturday night, he slept for a whole 7 hours! At 6.5 weeks, I feel pretty lucky for that uninterrupted sleep!
When she came up on Friday to babysit so that PJO and I could go to a birthday party, she gave us our Valentine's Day present. And it might be the best Valentine's present I've ever gotten.
She will be coming up Saturday morning. PJO and I are going to the spa for a couple's massage that afternoon, and then we're staying at a hotel Saturday night while my mom watches Timmy. It will be our first night away from him. I still feel kind of weird about that... I'm pretty sure I'll miss him.* But wow, it will be so nice to have a relaxing night with PJO to just enjoy each other without the stress of baby, work, school, or everyday life. And we're always within 5 miles of home, so it should be anxiety-free. I am very excited!
I've never been that big on Valentine's Day. I love the excuse to eat chocolate and go out for a nice dinner, but it never seemed like I actually felt more love on that day than any other day. But this year, I feel a little differently. It's been so easy to focus on everything besides PJO and our marriage ... when we're not trying to get stuff done or spend time with the baby, we're desperately trying to catch up on sleep or eat or something. We haven't just taken time out to appreciate each other and our marriage since the baby was born, and we certainly haven't done this alone together. If ever there was a year where we could take advantage of a single day to spend the whole time thinking about our marriage and showing our love for one another, it was this year.
*Especially since he started being a perfect little angel at night. He's been sleeping for a 5 hour stretch, followed by a 3 hour stretch for about a week now. On Saturday night, he slept for a whole 7 hours! At 6.5 weeks, I feel pretty lucky for that uninterrupted sleep!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Gender Roles
Sometimes, I listen to Dr. Laura's radio show if I'm in my car during the middle of the day. It's kind of embarrassing to admit, but part of me loves it. I definitely don't agree with everything she says or stands for, but I do love the matter-of-fact way that she tells people what to do and why she's right. I also love getting a glimpse into other people's lives and hearing how they're going to deal with their problems.
Anyway, the other day she read this poem about children needing their mothers:
The Children unguided
From being left alone
Mom is at work
She's never at home -
Mom buys them Nikes
Gives dollars and dimes
When all they really want
Is a little of her time -
It all starts with daycare
The "MOM" can't really cope
Her career's more glamorous
She drops them off with hope -
Hoping that they will surely
Learn Love, Trust & Life
From a "beautiful teacher" who's
Not even Daddy's wife -
Daycare behind them
They start public school
No music, No art,
But a long list of rules -
She never comes to visit
Her office is "too far away"
And when she gets home
She's too tired to play -
No time for shopping
For food she can make
She turns on the TV
(they wish Mom would bake) -
No time to ask questions
The telephone has her ear
Her girlfriend's conversation
Has better stuff to hear -
Bedtime is lonely
Mom's busy as a bee
"Night, night" she calls
As she types another key -
No time for bedtime stories
No prayers to be said
They lay there kinda lonely
Alone in their bed -
Lonely turns to bitter
And bitter has no end
Being unimportant is
Too big a hole to mend -
Cooking for your family
Is proof of love alive
Listening to your children
Can help them to arrive -
To now, the present moment
It's all your kids have got
Don't make them keep your schedule
Be there to hug them a lot -
A child can give you EVERYTHING
If you can just sit still
Quit your job, raise your child
STAY HOME, Moms, if you will!
It made me want to vomit. Whenever people disrespect or belittle a mother's choice to work in such a blunt way, I think it's ignorant. There are clearly benefits to both staying-at-home and to working, for both moms and their families.
Dr. Laura basically advocates that all mothers stay at home with their kids, and basically be the perfect, supportive and domesticated wife/girlfriend to their husbands. Obviously, this is not something I will be doing if my career plans come to fruition. But to be honest, I can't really decide whether I agree with her premise. I don't think the issue is black and white like she paints it to be, but I do wonder if hers is one recipe for happiness.
There is something really simple and sweet about a family where the man works, and the woman stays home and raises the kids. I didn't grow up with this at all, so it's not like I have an impression that this is the "right" way to do it. But I do think that in this sort of family structure, everyone is interdependent... the woman and the man need each other to do what they do in order to survive, and the kids need their parents just like the parents need their kids. With a strong foundation of love and respect, I think this could make for a really strong family unit.
But part of me thinks that these gender roles in a marriage or a family are not necessary or even optimal to producing a great family. I think there is inevitable classification by importance of the husband and wife (and subsequent subjugation of the wife)in the "traditional" family... while no one doubts that the mother performs a really important job by raising children, she is kind of secluded from society and her job at its most basic level requires no education or independent thought to get by day-to-day (NOT that I think SAHMs have no independent thought or education!!!). The man, on the other hand, interacts with adults, has a career, and provides the sole means by which his family is sustained financially. There is something beautiful and right (in my view) about a husband and wife who are really equal partners in life... who share the tasks that a family needs to do in order to thrive... they both work and bring in income, they both clean and cook, they both raise children, and they both shower one another with love and affection.
Obviously I have sort of made my decision about how I want my family to be, even if it is by default. I chose to go to law school and chose to have a career, so Dr. Laura's version of family life wouldn't be an option for me (at least for now) even if I wanted it. This doesn't mean that I am completely, 100% convinced that the way my family will be structured will be perfect, or even the best way for me and PJO and our child(ren). I mean, I love cooking and cleaning and being with kids, so I would probably enjoy the things I would do if I were a stay at home mom. But I also think I would go crazy if that were ALL I ever did. Because I also love analyzing legal issues, dressing up for work and having adult conversation, bringing home a paycheck that pays our bills and lets us enjoy some luxuries, and most of all, I love being able to earn people's respect for who I am. A big part of who I am is a person who is proud of what she has learned and her ability to use that to help other people do their job better.
I wouldn't doubt at all my decision to have a career as a lawyer if PJO and I never had kids. But obviously I want to make sure that my children are given everything that PJO and I can give them. In the back of mind, I will probably always wonder if I am doing them a favor or a disservice by working and not being home with them.
I think I am just as conflicted when it comes to gender roles outside of the family context. I have always been somewhat of a tomboy... I was an athlete through my first year of college and usually more of my friends are male. At the same time, I was in a sorority and love chick-flicks and shopping. Part of me loves being taken care of by my husband and having doors held open for me, wine poured for me first and having my bags carried when I travel. But it's only a part. Nothing pisses me off more than people assuming I need this treatment. Whether it's because I'm a woman, or because I'm pregnant. Nothing makes me happier than being self-sufficient, independent and capable of doing whatever needs to be done.
I think my husband is the perfect mix of stereotypical man and modern man. He is the guy who feels fulfilled by providing for me and protecting me. He spends his weekends watching football. He likes drinking beer and playing video games with his friends. His hobbies mostly consist of playing sports. He likes action movies. He hates shopping and doesn't really care about fashion at all. Basically, he's still a guy in the words of Brad Paisley.
But he also cooks, and cleans, and cuddles with me and with our cats. He supports everything I do and dream of, even though it means that I will have a really demanding career ... and kids... and him ... and maybe that makes things harder for him than if I stayed at home. He "treats me like a lady" but he also treats me with respect as an equal.
I'm sure Dr. Laura thinks I'm a radical feminist who is pursuing her own selfish interests. I'm equally sure that some women reading this will roll their eyes and think that I am setting women back in time by finding anything redeeming about traditional gender roles.
I'm just being honest in admitting that I'm not really sure if either side is "right" and I kind of like that. So far, this approach has allowed me to have everything I want and I see nothing wrong with that.
Anyway, the other day she read this poem about children needing their mothers:
The Children unguided
From being left alone
Mom is at work
She's never at home -
Mom buys them Nikes
Gives dollars and dimes
When all they really want
Is a little of her time -
It all starts with daycare
The "MOM" can't really cope
Her career's more glamorous
She drops them off with hope -
Hoping that they will surely
Learn Love, Trust & Life
From a "beautiful teacher" who's
Not even Daddy's wife -
Daycare behind them
They start public school
No music, No art,
But a long list of rules -
She never comes to visit
Her office is "too far away"
And when she gets home
She's too tired to play -
No time for shopping
For food she can make
She turns on the TV
(they wish Mom would bake) -
No time to ask questions
The telephone has her ear
Her girlfriend's conversation
Has better stuff to hear -
Bedtime is lonely
Mom's busy as a bee
"Night, night" she calls
As she types another key -
No time for bedtime stories
No prayers to be said
They lay there kinda lonely
Alone in their bed -
Lonely turns to bitter
And bitter has no end
Being unimportant is
Too big a hole to mend -
Cooking for your family
Is proof of love alive
Listening to your children
Can help them to arrive -
To now, the present moment
It's all your kids have got
Don't make them keep your schedule
Be there to hug them a lot -
A child can give you EVERYTHING
If you can just sit still
Quit your job, raise your child
STAY HOME, Moms, if you will!
It made me want to vomit. Whenever people disrespect or belittle a mother's choice to work in such a blunt way, I think it's ignorant. There are clearly benefits to both staying-at-home and to working, for both moms and their families.
Dr. Laura basically advocates that all mothers stay at home with their kids, and basically be the perfect, supportive and domesticated wife/girlfriend to their husbands. Obviously, this is not something I will be doing if my career plans come to fruition. But to be honest, I can't really decide whether I agree with her premise. I don't think the issue is black and white like she paints it to be, but I do wonder if hers is one recipe for happiness.
There is something really simple and sweet about a family where the man works, and the woman stays home and raises the kids. I didn't grow up with this at all, so it's not like I have an impression that this is the "right" way to do it. But I do think that in this sort of family structure, everyone is interdependent... the woman and the man need each other to do what they do in order to survive, and the kids need their parents just like the parents need their kids. With a strong foundation of love and respect, I think this could make for a really strong family unit.
But part of me thinks that these gender roles in a marriage or a family are not necessary or even optimal to producing a great family. I think there is inevitable classification by importance of the husband and wife (and subsequent subjugation of the wife)in the "traditional" family... while no one doubts that the mother performs a really important job by raising children, she is kind of secluded from society and her job at its most basic level requires no education or independent thought to get by day-to-day (NOT that I think SAHMs have no independent thought or education!!!). The man, on the other hand, interacts with adults, has a career, and provides the sole means by which his family is sustained financially. There is something beautiful and right (in my view) about a husband and wife who are really equal partners in life... who share the tasks that a family needs to do in order to thrive... they both work and bring in income, they both clean and cook, they both raise children, and they both shower one another with love and affection.
Obviously I have sort of made my decision about how I want my family to be, even if it is by default. I chose to go to law school and chose to have a career, so Dr. Laura's version of family life wouldn't be an option for me (at least for now) even if I wanted it. This doesn't mean that I am completely, 100% convinced that the way my family will be structured will be perfect, or even the best way for me and PJO and our child(ren). I mean, I love cooking and cleaning and being with kids, so I would probably enjoy the things I would do if I were a stay at home mom. But I also think I would go crazy if that were ALL I ever did. Because I also love analyzing legal issues, dressing up for work and having adult conversation, bringing home a paycheck that pays our bills and lets us enjoy some luxuries, and most of all, I love being able to earn people's respect for who I am. A big part of who I am is a person who is proud of what she has learned and her ability to use that to help other people do their job better.
I wouldn't doubt at all my decision to have a career as a lawyer if PJO and I never had kids. But obviously I want to make sure that my children are given everything that PJO and I can give them. In the back of mind, I will probably always wonder if I am doing them a favor or a disservice by working and not being home with them.
I think I am just as conflicted when it comes to gender roles outside of the family context. I have always been somewhat of a tomboy... I was an athlete through my first year of college and usually more of my friends are male. At the same time, I was in a sorority and love chick-flicks and shopping. Part of me loves being taken care of by my husband and having doors held open for me, wine poured for me first and having my bags carried when I travel. But it's only a part. Nothing pisses me off more than people assuming I need this treatment. Whether it's because I'm a woman, or because I'm pregnant. Nothing makes me happier than being self-sufficient, independent and capable of doing whatever needs to be done.
I think my husband is the perfect mix of stereotypical man and modern man. He is the guy who feels fulfilled by providing for me and protecting me. He spends his weekends watching football. He likes drinking beer and playing video games with his friends. His hobbies mostly consist of playing sports. He likes action movies. He hates shopping and doesn't really care about fashion at all. Basically, he's still a guy in the words of Brad Paisley.
But he also cooks, and cleans, and cuddles with me and with our cats. He supports everything I do and dream of, even though it means that I will have a really demanding career ... and kids... and him ... and maybe that makes things harder for him than if I stayed at home. He "treats me like a lady" but he also treats me with respect as an equal.
I'm sure Dr. Laura thinks I'm a radical feminist who is pursuing her own selfish interests. I'm equally sure that some women reading this will roll their eyes and think that I am setting women back in time by finding anything redeeming about traditional gender roles.
I'm just being honest in admitting that I'm not really sure if either side is "right" and I kind of like that. So far, this approach has allowed me to have everything I want and I see nothing wrong with that.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
The Name Game
Some girls talk about how they dreamed about their wedding when they were little and know exactly what they want when the time comes to plan one. I also know many women who claim to have the names of their children picked out before they even meet the future father of said children. I was never one of those girls... didn't think about my wedding once before I got engaged and changed my mind about the baby names I liked every year or so. Even if I had been that kind of girl, that's SO not how my relationship with PJO works. He is very involved and we make almost every decision together, which I love ... most of the time.
I never thought it would be so difficult to come up with names! If anything, I thought couples fight for their "favorites" and eventually compromise or one side caves in. I'm sure some people actually both agree and love the same name without a fight, but I can't really picture that. We can't even come up with a name we would both like, much less love.
PJO and I come from pretty different backgrounds... I grew up in southern California in a family whose ancestors have been in the United States for about 200 years. PJO grew up in New Jersey, 2nd generation Italian (with some Irish thrown in there). I think that explains a little bit ... names like Salvatore, Gennaro, and Frank are common (and frequently re-used). Those sound like crabby, old man names to me. Names like Tyler and Blake sound like hippy, new-age California names to him. We have no family names in common. Basically, we're starting from scratch.
Our first plan was to each go through (on our own) the top 500 (yes, FIVE HUNDRED) list of boy names and each cross out the names we wanted to eliminate. Then we compared the lists to see if there were any common names left. I think we had 10. I thought that was enough to work with and we would be picking one from there. Since that night about 2 months ago, we (mostly PJO) have withdrawn some of those names, and it has dwindled to about 3. While I could be happy with any of the three, PJO can barely restrain himself from grimacing when I say them, and I think they're only still on the list because he doesn't have any alternatives to suggest. He definitely is not willing to concede that we might choose one of those as THE name.
I'm pretty sure that we won't agree until shortly before we're discharged from the hospital. Part of me wants to wait until I see UNO to decide anyway, but the type-A planner in me is going crazy not knowing how we're going to decide what to name our first child. I'm pretty sure there aren't any magical, previously undiscovered, names lurking in baby books or on the internet that we'll both instantly agree to, and neither of us are the type to settle or change our mind without a fight. So at this point, Uno will remain Uno. PJO's joke about leaving it up to the internet at namemybaby.com or selling naming rights (think WALter MARTin or Starbucks Pepsi) will remain jokes.
I never thought it would be so difficult to come up with names! If anything, I thought couples fight for their "favorites" and eventually compromise or one side caves in. I'm sure some people actually both agree and love the same name without a fight, but I can't really picture that. We can't even come up with a name we would both like, much less love.
PJO and I come from pretty different backgrounds... I grew up in southern California in a family whose ancestors have been in the United States for about 200 years. PJO grew up in New Jersey, 2nd generation Italian (with some Irish thrown in there). I think that explains a little bit ... names like Salvatore, Gennaro, and Frank are common (and frequently re-used). Those sound like crabby, old man names to me. Names like Tyler and Blake sound like hippy, new-age California names to him. We have no family names in common. Basically, we're starting from scratch.
Our first plan was to each go through (on our own) the top 500 (yes, FIVE HUNDRED) list of boy names and each cross out the names we wanted to eliminate. Then we compared the lists to see if there were any common names left. I think we had 10. I thought that was enough to work with and we would be picking one from there. Since that night about 2 months ago, we (mostly PJO) have withdrawn some of those names, and it has dwindled to about 3. While I could be happy with any of the three, PJO can barely restrain himself from grimacing when I say them, and I think they're only still on the list because he doesn't have any alternatives to suggest. He definitely is not willing to concede that we might choose one of those as THE name.
I'm pretty sure that we won't agree until shortly before we're discharged from the hospital. Part of me wants to wait until I see UNO to decide anyway, but the type-A planner in me is going crazy not knowing how we're going to decide what to name our first child. I'm pretty sure there aren't any magical, previously undiscovered, names lurking in baby books or on the internet that we'll both instantly agree to, and neither of us are the type to settle or change our mind without a fight. So at this point, Uno will remain Uno. PJO's joke about leaving it up to the internet at namemybaby.com or selling naming rights (think WALter MARTin or Starbucks Pepsi) will remain jokes.
These Prizes Really Do Exist
I always assumed that a lot of contests, sweepstakes and lotteries were shams and never actually awarded a prize to anyone. Maybe it's because I'm cynical or maybe it's because I've never actually known anyone who won, but I just thought some of this stuff really is just "too good to be true."
Well, now I'm a believer. KIIS FM (the obnoxious pop radio station in LA with Ryan Seacrest) had this Perfect Wedding contest. Tons of couples entered in order to win an all-expenses paid wedding and the audience was supposed to vote for their favorite couple.
Today, my friends found out they won! Crews showed up at their apartment this morning to surprise them and then had a limo take them to a champagne brunch at the venue to start wedding planning. I got a call inviting me to join, but I was already on my way in a carpool to school, so I had to decline. :( Their wedding is now in 5 weeks, so they have a ton of work to do, but I think they're really excited for it.
I think I might have died if I couldn't plan my own wedding exactly the way I wanted it, but it's pretty cool that they'll have this story to tell about theirs.
They're a very sweet couple and definitely a great pick for this contest.
Well, now I'm a believer. KIIS FM (the obnoxious pop radio station in LA with Ryan Seacrest) had this Perfect Wedding contest. Tons of couples entered in order to win an all-expenses paid wedding and the audience was supposed to vote for their favorite couple.
Today, my friends found out they won! Crews showed up at their apartment this morning to surprise them and then had a limo take them to a champagne brunch at the venue to start wedding planning. I got a call inviting me to join, but I was already on my way in a carpool to school, so I had to decline. :( Their wedding is now in 5 weeks, so they have a ton of work to do, but I think they're really excited for it.
I think I might have died if I couldn't plan my own wedding exactly the way I wanted it, but it's pretty cool that they'll have this story to tell about theirs.
They're a very sweet couple and definitely a great pick for this contest.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
One is the Loneliest Number
PJO left for a business trip yesterday. He's in London until Tuesday night, then New York until Friday night. It's the first time he's gone away since we moved in to our new apartment and the first time since I've been pregnant. While I always miss him while he's gone, I like to think of myself as a pretty independent girl. He's the more sentimental and needy one of the two of us, and I tend to enjoy alone time and keeping the apartment clean and organized for more than a day at a time. But this time I really miss him. It seems so lonely and quiet here. Several times a day, I catch myself thinking that I can't wait to tell him something or cuddle with him or just see him. Maybe I do have some crazy pregnancy hormones running around inside me and I was just oblivious to it before. Or maybe, just maybe, he's making me into more of a sentimental, needy woman.
I also have noticed that I get more paranoid about him traveling now. I have never been afraid of flying (I think I first flew when I was 6 months old). But nevertheless, I am sitting on my computer, typing his flight number in the flight tracker several times to make sure his plane made it there safely.
I should be more productive while he's gone... I have no husband to entertain or make sure I spend my time with, so I can selfishly do all the work I want. But all I want to do is cuddle on the couch with my cats and watch movies, eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate. I sound like I'm really depressed, but I think it's more that I just really don't want to do any reading. I guess it's about that time though... Fed tax of business entities isn't going to read itself.
I also have noticed that I get more paranoid about him traveling now. I have never been afraid of flying (I think I first flew when I was 6 months old). But nevertheless, I am sitting on my computer, typing his flight number in the flight tracker several times to make sure his plane made it there safely.
I should be more productive while he's gone... I have no husband to entertain or make sure I spend my time with, so I can selfishly do all the work I want. But all I want to do is cuddle on the couch with my cats and watch movies, eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate. I sound like I'm really depressed, but I think it's more that I just really don't want to do any reading. I guess it's about that time though... Fed tax of business entities isn't going to read itself.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Infuriating Debate
I generally dislike formal debates on hot social issues... it just seems like people blindly adhere to whatever beliefs they started with, bring up the same old arguments and get really offended by everything the other side has to say. Plus, it kind of seems like it doesn't matter most of the time; for example, people have been debating abortion and pro-choice/pro-life for as long as I can remember, and nothing has changed in that time and I doubt anything will in the near future. It's not that I cannot appreciate the significance these issues may have for individuals, I just don't see the point of featuring them so prominently in political debates, especially in election season when there are SOOOOO many other pressing issues that will actually need to be dealt with in the next 4 or 8 years.
Nevertheless, I do enjoy listening to debates on issues that I care about when the people arguing are just speaking their mind and trying to convince their audience that they're right for the sake of the cause.
Today, my school hosted two speakers debating Gay Marriage. Of course, while it is currently a hot social topic, it is actually relevant to every California citizen because it's a proposition on our ballot this fall. I wasn't going there with an open mind ... I can't say I have heard one good argument for why we should ban gay marriage ... but I am always curious as to what the other side will say (and to hear what new arguments are put forth in support of my beliefs). The woman arguing against gay marriage (and thus in favor of the proposition) seemed like a complete wacko. Her main argument was that gay marriage is bad for CA citizens because it will harm children. According to her, allowing gay and lesbian people to marry means sanctioning the upbringing of children by necessarily ripping them away from one or both of their biological parents. Of course, she sees this as devastatingly detrimental to the health of the children* but then somehow tried to distinguish adoption or IVF by heterosexual couples. She also avoided the issue of all the children born to single mothers, deadbeat dads and unstable heterosexual couples, seemingly assuming that all married straight people raise their own biological children in completely loving and safe households.
Neither side really mentioned the fundamental injustice and inequality that restricting marriage to straight people would effect. Since the CA Supreme Court found that preventing gay and lesbian couples from marrying was unconstitutional, the proposition essentially re-drafts the Constitution to make this discrimination constitutional. (This might be a good time to say that one of her secondary arguments for why we should ban gay marriage is that the last thing California needs is another protected class, giving them the right to sue over "all kinds of things.")
The guy speaking in favor of gay marriage made a good legal argument I thought... Part of what the Court relied on in making its decision was precedent from cases regarding interracial marriage, where the Court held that people should be free to marry the person whom they choose. At that time, opponents of interracial marriage were attempting to frame the issue definitionally, as opponents of gay marriage are now.
I left the debate completely pissed off that this is still such an issue. If this woman was the best that side can produce to argue why these people should be treated so differently with regard to a fundamental right, then how the hell do so many people agree?! and if there are better arguments in support of her position, why wouldn't they be in the public discourse? I have to conclude that most of this country either doesn't want to think rationally about the issue or they will just continue to adhere blindly to whatever propaganda their religion or community tells them to believe. That is completely contrary to the spirit of democracy, which is infuriating.
*I tend to agree that it probably is good (all other things being equal) for a child to be raised by both a father and a mother in a stable household. However, I think that gay and lesbian couples can make just as good of parents and if it is a detriment to not have both a mother and a father, maybe the child gets a different benefit that kids of straight couples do not. I don't trust the validity of any study that claims as a fact that kids will suffer without the traditional mother-father-child environment... they aren't comparing that to a father-father-child or mother-mother-child environment. Even if a study did compare these families, I don't think it's fair to compare a married heterosexual couple with children to a gay or lesbian couple with children because the gay couple does not enjoy legal sanction in the law or acceptance by much of society.
Nevertheless, I do enjoy listening to debates on issues that I care about when the people arguing are just speaking their mind and trying to convince their audience that they're right for the sake of the cause.
Today, my school hosted two speakers debating Gay Marriage. Of course, while it is currently a hot social topic, it is actually relevant to every California citizen because it's a proposition on our ballot this fall. I wasn't going there with an open mind ... I can't say I have heard one good argument for why we should ban gay marriage ... but I am always curious as to what the other side will say (and to hear what new arguments are put forth in support of my beliefs). The woman arguing against gay marriage (and thus in favor of the proposition) seemed like a complete wacko. Her main argument was that gay marriage is bad for CA citizens because it will harm children. According to her, allowing gay and lesbian people to marry means sanctioning the upbringing of children by necessarily ripping them away from one or both of their biological parents. Of course, she sees this as devastatingly detrimental to the health of the children* but then somehow tried to distinguish adoption or IVF by heterosexual couples. She also avoided the issue of all the children born to single mothers, deadbeat dads and unstable heterosexual couples, seemingly assuming that all married straight people raise their own biological children in completely loving and safe households.
Neither side really mentioned the fundamental injustice and inequality that restricting marriage to straight people would effect. Since the CA Supreme Court found that preventing gay and lesbian couples from marrying was unconstitutional, the proposition essentially re-drafts the Constitution to make this discrimination constitutional. (This might be a good time to say that one of her secondary arguments for why we should ban gay marriage is that the last thing California needs is another protected class, giving them the right to sue over "all kinds of things.")
The guy speaking in favor of gay marriage made a good legal argument I thought... Part of what the Court relied on in making its decision was precedent from cases regarding interracial marriage, where the Court held that people should be free to marry the person whom they choose. At that time, opponents of interracial marriage were attempting to frame the issue definitionally, as opponents of gay marriage are now.
I left the debate completely pissed off that this is still such an issue. If this woman was the best that side can produce to argue why these people should be treated so differently with regard to a fundamental right, then how the hell do so many people agree?! and if there are better arguments in support of her position, why wouldn't they be in the public discourse? I have to conclude that most of this country either doesn't want to think rationally about the issue or they will just continue to adhere blindly to whatever propaganda their religion or community tells them to believe. That is completely contrary to the spirit of democracy, which is infuriating.
*I tend to agree that it probably is good (all other things being equal) for a child to be raised by both a father and a mother in a stable household. However, I think that gay and lesbian couples can make just as good of parents and if it is a detriment to not have both a mother and a father, maybe the child gets a different benefit that kids of straight couples do not. I don't trust the validity of any study that claims as a fact that kids will suffer without the traditional mother-father-child environment... they aren't comparing that to a father-father-child or mother-mother-child environment. Even if a study did compare these families, I don't think it's fair to compare a married heterosexual couple with children to a gay or lesbian couple with children because the gay couple does not enjoy legal sanction in the law or acceptance by much of society.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Happy Anniversary!
Today is our first wedding anniversary! (Yeah, we move fast). It was a great day involving the beach, shopping, brunch with friends and a dinner at the place we ate the night we got engaged. It's weird to think about how much has changed since this time last year, but I'm so glad that everything happened the way it did. I feel so lucky to be married to PJO and for us to be starting our family this year.
The level of love is high tonight!
****
I'm updating these with a couple pictures so that when I look back next year, I'll find them... the first one is of us at dinner.
This is the free anniversary cake that was part of our wedding cake package (which we didn't realize until we called to order it). It's a 6-inch version (well, the same flavor) of our cake (red velvet). We took the obligatory bite of the top layer of our actual cake that had been living in our freezer for a year, but we wanted to remember our wedding cake for how delicious it really was, so we got a new miniature one. It was soooo yummy!
The level of love is high tonight!
****
I'm updating these with a couple pictures so that when I look back next year, I'll find them... the first one is of us at dinner.
This is the free anniversary cake that was part of our wedding cake package (which we didn't realize until we called to order it). It's a 6-inch version (well, the same flavor) of our cake (red velvet). We took the obligatory bite of the top layer of our actual cake that had been living in our freezer for a year, but we wanted to remember our wedding cake for how delicious it really was, so we got a new miniature one. It was soooo yummy!
Monday, August 4, 2008
Last Day of Work
Friday was my last day as a summer associate. I can't believe it is already over! (well, I still have two more firm dinners this week, so it's still sort of persisting). It was a great day that went by way too fast. I had some work to finish up, a lot of good-byes to say, a 2-hour lunch with my favorite people and a Corporate department happy hour. The day was made a million times better because I also got my offer to come back full-time next fall! I always kind of knew that I would get it, but I had no idea it would happen that day, and it definitely gave me peace of mind knowing that I had it. I accepted it on the spot, as did most of the other people that received offers that day. I knew that I was going to accept and I figured, what the hell, let's just go for it!
Looking back on the summer, I can summarize my experience and formulate some advice for anyone who might be going through it in the future:
1. Always remember that you are in a 12-week long interview: once you are in the office, people know you are smart enough to be there, so don't spit out your resume whenever someone asks you a question; but you should always be on your best behavior, do your best work and try to make intelligent conversation when you're talking with attorneys
2. Let your (real) personality shine through, unless it sucks: I really think these people want to know that they'll enjoy spending time with you. Everyone knows you work a lot at a big law firm, so you might as well pass the time with someone you can stand, or even enjoy being with. If you're too focused on work or presenting a certain image of yourself, you'll never be relaxed enough to just be yourself and have fun.
3. Be mature: this one was as easy as it will ever be for me since I was pregnant. There is alcohol--lots of it--everywhere you go. The people who had problems this summer drank too much of it, reminiscent of college, and acted stupid. This is one of those things where you definitely have to know your audience and adjust accordingly, but I think you should always be the one drinking the least at your table. I found that as the summer went on, it was less and less awkward when I didn't order alcohol, I could carry on conversations with everyone comfortably and I always felt in control of myself. While I would have killed for some of those drinks at dinners, I am very glad I had this experience... it showed me that I can have fun and be a better guest when I drink much less, and it doesn't necessarily make me lame or boring to not drink alcohol. People judge you based on how you act, not what you drink (and if they judge you for not drinking, that's the wrong person to try and impress anyway).
Overall, I think it wasn't too bad to be a summer associate and pregnant at the same time. It sucks to not be able to do everything that everyone else does, to have to skip all the free alcohol and to be tired. But at the same time, it kept me more in control and more focused on getting the offer, which is what we're there for in the end. Of course, I never told work that I was pregnant. I will tell them once we tell PJO's parents, which is when we tell everyone who doesn't know. I think that will be ok, but I am curious as to what they will say and who will react positively.
The day before my last day, there was a Women's committee meeting. It was a panel discussion where we heard about the firm's policies that benefit women and what role the committee plays in the firm. Then each member on the panel presented a few pieces of advice for success and fielded questions. The first woman who spoke was a third year finance associate with a 14 month old. She got married her first year and then became pregnant almost right away. Her husband is also an attorney at the firm. It was good hearing her speak about how they managed, but I couldn't ask her the questions I really wanted to: what child care did she use, what happened when they both had to work late, does she feel like she's at a disadvantage with her career? Everyone else had good generic advice, but none of them were anywhere close to the point I am at in my life: 2 of the other 5 panelists were married, the rest were single. None of the others had children. They were talking about balancing dating with work, and "proving yourself" the first two years before pushing back at all. I realized that my support group will have to come from outside the firm. I have felt a lot of comfort reading the blogs of some of you, other moms in law school or the legal profession. It's not so much that I want someone to answer all my questions whenever I have them, I just want to know that I'm not the only one who is crazy enough to do this. It really helps hearing how the mundane, every day stuff works for everyone else, because that's what you really want to know about when you're undertaking something new: how it will impact your LIFE (every part of it, including the boring parts). The panelists did make me glad that I am at where I am in my life... I would not want to deal with finding and starting a new relationship while working as a big law attorney. I think by starting off a career with boundaries and balancing, people respect them more than if you try establishing those after letting them walk all over you for a few years. I wouldn't change anything about my life right now.
Looking back on the summer, I can summarize my experience and formulate some advice for anyone who might be going through it in the future:
1. Always remember that you are in a 12-week long interview: once you are in the office, people know you are smart enough to be there, so don't spit out your resume whenever someone asks you a question; but you should always be on your best behavior, do your best work and try to make intelligent conversation when you're talking with attorneys
2. Let your (real) personality shine through, unless it sucks: I really think these people want to know that they'll enjoy spending time with you. Everyone knows you work a lot at a big law firm, so you might as well pass the time with someone you can stand, or even enjoy being with. If you're too focused on work or presenting a certain image of yourself, you'll never be relaxed enough to just be yourself and have fun.
3. Be mature: this one was as easy as it will ever be for me since I was pregnant. There is alcohol--lots of it--everywhere you go. The people who had problems this summer drank too much of it, reminiscent of college, and acted stupid. This is one of those things where you definitely have to know your audience and adjust accordingly, but I think you should always be the one drinking the least at your table. I found that as the summer went on, it was less and less awkward when I didn't order alcohol, I could carry on conversations with everyone comfortably and I always felt in control of myself. While I would have killed for some of those drinks at dinners, I am very glad I had this experience... it showed me that I can have fun and be a better guest when I drink much less, and it doesn't necessarily make me lame or boring to not drink alcohol. People judge you based on how you act, not what you drink (and if they judge you for not drinking, that's the wrong person to try and impress anyway).
Overall, I think it wasn't too bad to be a summer associate and pregnant at the same time. It sucks to not be able to do everything that everyone else does, to have to skip all the free alcohol and to be tired. But at the same time, it kept me more in control and more focused on getting the offer, which is what we're there for in the end. Of course, I never told work that I was pregnant. I will tell them once we tell PJO's parents, which is when we tell everyone who doesn't know. I think that will be ok, but I am curious as to what they will say and who will react positively.
The day before my last day, there was a Women's committee meeting. It was a panel discussion where we heard about the firm's policies that benefit women and what role the committee plays in the firm. Then each member on the panel presented a few pieces of advice for success and fielded questions. The first woman who spoke was a third year finance associate with a 14 month old. She got married her first year and then became pregnant almost right away. Her husband is also an attorney at the firm. It was good hearing her speak about how they managed, but I couldn't ask her the questions I really wanted to: what child care did she use, what happened when they both had to work late, does she feel like she's at a disadvantage with her career? Everyone else had good generic advice, but none of them were anywhere close to the point I am at in my life: 2 of the other 5 panelists were married, the rest were single. None of the others had children. They were talking about balancing dating with work, and "proving yourself" the first two years before pushing back at all. I realized that my support group will have to come from outside the firm. I have felt a lot of comfort reading the blogs of some of you, other moms in law school or the legal profession. It's not so much that I want someone to answer all my questions whenever I have them, I just want to know that I'm not the only one who is crazy enough to do this. It really helps hearing how the mundane, every day stuff works for everyone else, because that's what you really want to know about when you're undertaking something new: how it will impact your LIFE (every part of it, including the boring parts). The panelists did make me glad that I am at where I am in my life... I would not want to deal with finding and starting a new relationship while working as a big law attorney. I think by starting off a career with boundaries and balancing, people respect them more than if you try establishing those after letting them walk all over you for a few years. I wouldn't change anything about my life right now.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
How Did We End Up Here?
While PJO and I were packing this weekend, I started thinking about the last time we were packing to move: two years ago, leaving New York City and moving to LA. Our whole world has changed a million times over. We moved out in August of 2006 so I could start law school. Since then, we have gotten engaged, married and pregnant. The thing that blows my mind even more than how much has changed in two years is how everything could have been totally different.
I decided pretty last minute (October) to apply to law school. If I hadn't applied, I probably would have found a job that could last me a few years, then had kids and been a stay-at-home mom... (weird!) Anyway, I took the LSAT in December, and had to apply to schools before I even got my score. I didn't end up doing that well on the test, so my choices became more limited for where to go to school, but I actually think that was a blessing in disguise... I ended up at a lower ranked (T-2) school with a beautiful campus, great people and a very relaxed environment. If I hadn't loved Columbia so much (and met my husband there), I would regret going there rather than somewhere more like my law school because it's now obvious that I do much better with less-stress/competition surrounding me.
Then there is the timing of getting married. PJO and I tied the knot last Labor Day weekend ... if we had waited another year (like we originally talked about), we definitely would not have been pregnant now, having a baby during my third year of law school.
My career plans even post-decision to apply to law school have surprised me a bit. Despite coming out to law school swearing up and down that I wouldn't get sucked into the "trap" of working at a big law firm, I am working at a huge law firm and loving everything about it!
Looking back, I would not change a single thing about how the events of my life have unfolded. I have found an amazing husband, a great city to call home (closer to my family), an amazing career ahead of me and a new family beginning this year. I used to wonder if there was a plan worked out for everyone ahead of time and we just unknowingly followed along that. The impatient part of me thought I would like to be able to see my entire plan ahead of time (and sometimes it still drives me crazy that I can't), but of course then you miss out on all the surprises. If we're in charge of our "destiny" it seems like we control what happens ... but we still can't know what a particular choice will lead to. The best you can do is set yourself up for success and then roll with the punches. I'm trying to learn how to do that ... if the next two years are as good to me as these two have been, I'm not worried at all.
I decided pretty last minute (October) to apply to law school. If I hadn't applied, I probably would have found a job that could last me a few years, then had kids and been a stay-at-home mom... (weird!) Anyway, I took the LSAT in December, and had to apply to schools before I even got my score. I didn't end up doing that well on the test, so my choices became more limited for where to go to school, but I actually think that was a blessing in disguise... I ended up at a lower ranked (T-2) school with a beautiful campus, great people and a very relaxed environment. If I hadn't loved Columbia so much (and met my husband there), I would regret going there rather than somewhere more like my law school because it's now obvious that I do much better with less-stress/competition surrounding me.
Then there is the timing of getting married. PJO and I tied the knot last Labor Day weekend ... if we had waited another year (like we originally talked about), we definitely would not have been pregnant now, having a baby during my third year of law school.
My career plans even post-decision to apply to law school have surprised me a bit. Despite coming out to law school swearing up and down that I wouldn't get sucked into the "trap" of working at a big law firm, I am working at a huge law firm and loving everything about it!
Looking back, I would not change a single thing about how the events of my life have unfolded. I have found an amazing husband, a great city to call home (closer to my family), an amazing career ahead of me and a new family beginning this year. I used to wonder if there was a plan worked out for everyone ahead of time and we just unknowingly followed along that. The impatient part of me thought I would like to be able to see my entire plan ahead of time (and sometimes it still drives me crazy that I can't), but of course then you miss out on all the surprises. If we're in charge of our "destiny" it seems like we control what happens ... but we still can't know what a particular choice will lead to. The best you can do is set yourself up for success and then roll with the punches. I'm trying to learn how to do that ... if the next two years are as good to me as these two have been, I'm not worried at all.
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