8-week Update

Clairebear is 8 weeks old today. I'm basically required to follow that with, "and I can't believe it's gone by so fast," but it's true- I really can't. Everything has been SO much easier this time around. And not because of Claire- as it turns out she is much like her big brother with the milk protein allergy, super expensive formula, and freaking reflux. Oh yes, we landed a pediatric gastroesophageal reflux disease diagnosis last Friday when I took Claire to the doctor an hour before we were supposed to leave for Houston for my mom's party. She'd been up every half hour the night before just crying and crying and it was so sad and nothing helped, not even her bottle which she seems to love more than life itself, and finally at about 3 a.m. JP stuck her in her car seat and drove her around the block for 30 minutes. When he trudged back in the door with a baby who had been asleep until the moment the car stopped moving he said, "no more kids." I told him that shouldn't be a 4 a.m. decision, but I wasn't about to argue just then.

(though this one is so cute!)

The pediatrician agreed it was GERD, and due to my vast experience and knowledge of reflux treatments, we got to skip straight to the good stuff- a strong dose of Prevacid in the evening and Zantac as an option in the morning if she's really struggling (we've only used that once so far, and I'm really not sure Zantac does anything, it didn't for Landon.). Claire is doing so much better- about an hour after she took the Prevacid for the first time, she had her nighttime bottle, heaved a great sigh, and fell into a deeper sleep than she had for days. And then she slept for 7 hours! Delightful- for everyone. I think we caught on much earlier with Claire so there wasn't as much damage to her esophagus yet and the medicines were able to help better, faster.

Yay!

There is so much that has made things easier this second time around. Previous experience is big- you learn a lot about babies and their many issues after surviving the infancy of a difficult one. This time I knew what reflux was as well as how to recognize it. It also helps to know that one bad night won't kill anyone. Not you, not your marriage, and not your baby. In fact, a hundred bad nights won't kill you. And I also know that it's going to get so much easier and so much more fun. Having a toddler around is a fantastic reward at the end of babyhood. And knowing all of that has helped me to enjoy Claire's babyhood that much more.

Thoughts on My Return

I have 5.5 weeks left of my 13 week maternity leave (12 weeks paid leave + 1 week vacation). I've been asked how I feel about this, so I want to address it, but it's probably not going to be very interesting because the full and complete answer is that I feel fine. For one, not feeling fine isn't an option because my working isn't an option, so there's not much point in finding reasons to be unhappy with the reality of returning. But for the sake of discussion, I'll pretend like I didn't just write that previous sentence and delve a little deeper into my emotions regarding my return to full-time working attorney.

And, well, I feel fine. I'm looking forward to it in a certain sense. I like working and I miss the intellectual outlet that being a lawyer provides me. Not that I haven't used my brain at home, or that stay-at-home parents don't have intellectual outlets, I just really enjoy the unique analytical processes that come with being an attorney. I like reading cases and I like finding ways to coax their holdings into working for the argument I'm making. I miss the professional environment- talking about current cases or news stories (or the latest episode of Glee) with my colleagues, and I miss my office with its order and separateness from my home life. Basically, I just like my job. Whether it's because it really is the perfect career for me or because it's the career I have and the salary is necessary for my family so I've decided it's the perfect one for me (or more likely, a combination of the two), I'm happy with my life as a lawyer mom, and I'm happier in that role than I am as a stay-at-home mom.

Which is not to say that I am counting down the days to my return (I'm not) or that I haven't deeply enjoyed my time at home (I have). These weeks have been more enjoyable, more relaxing, and more maternally satisfying than I ever expected. I'm very grateful for them- there's no mandatory paid maternity leave in the US and many companies don't provide for it. I have loved every one of the hours I've logged on the couch, holding a snuggly, sleeping Claire- or, more recently, a wide-eyed awake Claire who can't seem to figure out where she is but is pretty sure everything looks familiar. I've enjoyed grocery shopping in the middle of the day and starting big dinners (and new recipes!) at 5:00. I've enjoyed being able to plan vacations and lunches and know that no case or sudden partner request will get in the way of them. And I've really enjoyed my daytime uniform of casual clothes and flip flops.

The things I worry about when I decide to worry (usually when I can't sleep) are as follows: One, being a working mom with one kid worked out great- I felt like our days were pretty easy and we spent a lot of happy time together, but I haven't done this with two. What if I can't give both of them enough of myself? What if JP and I don't have enough time together? With Landon we're off duty at 8 pm and that's when we can spend our quality couple time and when I can do the work I didn't finish because I darted out of the office at 5:30. But I'm optimistic. Claire is a great sleeper (11pm to 5:30am the past 5 nights!) and one benefit of JP's unpaid independent contractor status is that his work is extremely flexible and he can drop off and pick up the kids as needed. Claire and Landon will be at the same daycare, which we love and is a mile from the house, and I think our routine will be much the same as it was before. Before I started working I thought mornings and evenings would be so stressful as a working parent, but so far, ours just aren't. They're relaxed and organized and fun and I'm hopeful that will continue.

My second worry involves my job, its recent low work flow, and my lack of options and a network in Austin. I've vowed to work on this. I need to get involved with more (and by more, I mean at least one) associations or bar events in my city. I need that both for potential lateral moves (whether necessary or desired) as well as to have any chance of making partner where I am. I'll be starting my 3rd year when I return and it just isn't that long before you need to have developed an area of specialty or expertise, as well as worked out whether or not you want to aggressively pursue the path to partnership in a few short years. I don't know my answer to that, but I am keenly away of how much my family needs my salary. I need to make sure I'm in as strong a position in my career as I possibly can be and that is going to involve some out-of-work commitments. I don't like it, I love coming home at the end of the day and soaking up my family time- my ability to do that every day is what makes my life work for me- but I need to start looking at it as another way I'm serving my family and missing a dinner or two a month isn't going to hurt any of us.

My third concern is that I've forgotten everything I used to know about law and that my fellow 2nd years have moved past me in knowledge and experience while I've been out. There's not much I can do about this except work hard when I get back and remind all the partners who loved me before I left that they still do. I'm less worried about this than the other two things, but it's there.

So that's that. September 7th is the big day back. Claire starts daycare on August 23rd- or at least we start having to pay for daycare on August 23rd, so we'll probably use those two weeks for some short transition days. Landon, who continues to just thrive over at the neighborhood center, is so excited that his babyclaire is going to be at daycay too. I think it's all going to be good.

Got It!

It's not a good angle, the light is terrible, and the perspective makes her triple chin look even more out of control than normal, but I finally captured Claire giving her Daddy big smiles this morning!

I never really understood this phrase before when applied to babies, but she is absolutely delicious. I actually found myself attempting to chew on her cheek yesterday.

For My Mom, Master of Biology

I'd been planning the party for months.

My mom, a high school biology teacher, has been working towards her masters in biology for the past 2 years through a distance learning program with an out-of-state university. To say it has been hard would be a vast understatement, but because she doesn't like to complain and is herself the most positive person I know (second only perhaps to her mother), she probably wouldn't like me detailing the struggle of the past 2 years. But it has been hard. Really, really hard. I remember when Landon and I drove over to see my dad on his birthday and on Saturday morning I heard noises downstairs at 3:45. 3:45 AM. It was my mom, up early, so she could get some studying done before the day began. Then after 2 years of that, she had to spend 2 weeks in June at the out-of-state university working 24 hours a day to complete all the on-site lab work and take the comprehensive exam so she could graduate. At the end of the exam, on the last day of the program, she sent a text to all of us saying, "It was awful... I can't talk about it." (I should note that we later discovered she got an A on that test, something which did not surprise anyone in our family besides her.)

So obviously, at the end of all this, she needed a party. Both to celebrate her and her amazing achievement while working full-time (and working so hard she still got nominated for teacher of the year), and also for her family and friends to celebrate getting her back in our lives the way we know she wants to be!

I emailed my dad in April to suggest the idea and he agreed to fund whatever I planned (within certain budgetary guidelines, of course). It was the perfect partnership and I loved every second of the planning process. The only hard part was not saying anything to my mom! In the end we told her there was going to be a party (since there was no way we could hide it on the day of), but didn't tell her any details, including the guest list.

When she arrived at the restaurant on Saturday I think she was surprised to find 35 people there to honor her, and I know she was shocked to find her parents among them:

They had traveled all the way down from Northern Wisconsin just to be at the party in Houston for a few hours.

We are all so proud of my mom. My dad even kept his leaky eyes (as he calls them) in check for a short toast and then my mom made everyone cry by toasting all of us in return.

It was a great little luncheon and I'm so glad it all came together like it did. Though when you combine good friends, loving family, Italian food, cake, and a very good reason to celebrate- how could it not be wonderful?

Claire's Announcement

I love stationery, particularly personalized stationery. I love the thick card stock, the crisp, professional printing, and the way I feel when I put pen to paper to drop someone a little note. (I also love writing thank you notes, but that's a different topic.)

And for as much as I love stationery, I love formal announcements and invitations even more. Picking out our wedding invitations took me hours even though I knew I wanted something very simple and traditional and my budget was very limited. I struggled over the font selection for days. I love getting a heavyweight envelope in the mail and seeing what friends have selected for their own wedding. Birth announcements are even more fun because you get to be more creative and they involve pictures of itty bitty babies and proud parents. I also love the archival nature of all these things- they commemorate very big events in your life and putting them on a page of a wedding album or baby book makes me very happy.

(Side note, my mom keeps my baby book up in my old room at home and I love flipping through it when we visit. It's so fun to read about the early years I don't remember from my mom's perspective. I feel like I get to see a version of her, and a version of me, that I wouldn't otherwise know. My birth announcement is also in there, a little card with my name and birth information hand-written on the inside page and a picture of me, wide-eyed and brand new with a bonnet on my head, on the front. That baby book means a lot to me.)

One of the things I was so excited about while pregnant with Claire was designing her birth announcement. I knew I wanted something nature-inspired (based on her nursery), I wanted it to do our much-anticipated professional pictures justice, and I wanted to hire my friend Ally to do it. Her company is Little Bears Designs and I think she did an amazing job. She was extremely patient with my back-and-forth emails saying things like can we move this box a little this way? or change this color a little bit? or add some vines, no take away some vines, no wait never mind I like them how you had them before. And when I finally gave her the okay at about 10 pm on a Tuesday night, these gorgeous cards, in a heavy card stock with a linen finish, were at my door 36 hours later:

(front)


(back)

One sits proudly in a frame on a wall of Claire's nursery and another is taped to a page of her baby book. I just love them!

Where's My Sticker?

Because I know you guys are on the edge of your seats regarding my new commitment to exercise, I wanted to let you know how my I'm doing. Yesterday I dug out a pair of old Swedish goggles (the only goggles I like to swim with and not because they're Swedish -- well, not just because of that, they're also the only ones that have ever felt good on my eyes and don't leak. Plus, fun colors! and cheap!), a cap from high school that has my maiden name emblazoned on the side, and a training suit and headed to the pool. I told JP my goal was to swim 1,000 yards and he scoffed and said I could do at least a mile. After I yelled at him and told him how hard it was to swim 9 years out of competitive training and how bored I get swimming by myself, I secretly resolved to do a 2,000 just so I could come home and proudly announce my total.

Once in the pool I felt much better than I anticipated- the water is still home to me and my stroke technique came right back. However, I had NO endurance and by the end of my 200 warm-up (8 laps, for the non-swimmers) my arms were shaking. Shaking! In high school we warmed up with a thousand every morning. But I persevered and made some sets for myself and then vowed to stick with them. I know the limits of my self-discipline so they were all short sets of 10 x 50's, mixing things up with kicks, drills, and different strokes. I was done in a little less than 40 minutes and I felt really good - tired, but good, and it felt even better to triumphantly announce my 2000 yards to JP when I walked in the door.

Then, while I was still riding on my post-swim high, I saw yesterday's Groupon for a local yoga studio. It was $49 for a month of unlimited classes and I bought it. For those who don't know me, that was a huge leap in my path to physical fitness. I hate yoga- completely hate it. In theory I think it's fantastic, and I appreciate that is is great for your body, but I am so inflexible and get so impatient that it has very much NOT worked for me in the past. But I have been told by multiple doctors that I need to try it, that it will help my headaches, and that I will continue getting more and worse back injuries if I don't start stretching. So I'm excited about trying it out- and because I just invested $49, I WILL be going on a frequent and regular basis for at least those 30 days. I love group classes, so it will have that going for it and hopefully it will be okay that I don't know anything about yoga and I can't touch my toes (or my ankles, or my lower shin) without pain.

Today I skipped the pool and popped in Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. I turned on Level One and OH. MY. GOD. I was begging for a break after about 45 seconds. How is that workout only 18 minutes long? It is at LEAST an hour. Claire had a tummy ache and was a little more needy than usual. I had her all set up in her play gym will mommy worked out, but I have to admit I was very grateful for her need to be held every 5 minutes or so. Jillian kept telling me I didn't get any breaks, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her and my in-home gym doesn't come with childcare (JP was out). Even with my breaks it was still a good work out and I don't know how any one moves on to Levels 2 or 3. I'm not even sure I can do Level One again tomorrow. Has anyone done all 30 days in a row? How long did it take to not want to die by minute 6? Right now I'm thinking of alternating it every other day with my swimming.

It's back to the pool tomorrow- now that I've started out with a 2,000 I feel like I have to do at least that from here on out. I'm hoping I can start really pushing myself, I'm just so bad about doing just enough to be tired without pushing past it. Practice was never something I enjoyed about swimming- I just like racing (and winning), but I'm trying. I'll just picture my favorite work dress at the end of the lane- I'm determined to fit into it by the time I go back!

Jumping Back In

My 6-week check-up was last Thursday and I am now cleared to swim, take baths, exercise, and have sex. This is good since I was already doing all of the above (except the exercise- unless shoe shopping and house cleaning counts). I am also back to the land of mindless, effortless Mirena birth control, which is good, since we kind of suck at taking care of that on our own. I may be undecided on the possibility of a baby #3, but I am 1000% certain that I do not want baby #3 any time soon. The mere idea is terrifying.

(Although, Claire learned how to smile a few days ago. She forgets she knows how most of the time, but then out of nowhere she'll remember and smile in response to your smile, and then she'll get so excited that you're so excited that she'll smile more and smile bigger and get caught in this vortex of delight and smileyness. And in that moment I completely get why some people are so obsessed with babies, because I find myself wanting at least a dozen. But still, not right now.)

I can't believe we've only known Claire for 6 1/2 weeks. She seems like such a natural, forever part of our family. I also can't believe I was pregnant and had surgery only 6 weeks ago. It seems like I've felt great forever. The only two reminders are my scar and the 15 lbs. of flabbiness that is hanging out in my midsection. I admit that I have made almost no effort to get rid of it, but I was kind off hoping it would all just disappear on its own anyway. I need to start making some gains (or really, losses) in that direction because I have a lot of money invested in a work wardrobe that I really want to fit again by September.

It took me a while to lose the weight after Landon- I was still wearing my maternity pants at 8 weeks, but no one remembers that because I suddenly got so skinny when he was about 5 months old. Life got very stressful right around then and my body's response to stress is to lose all appetite for food- the thought of eating would turn my stomach (this from the girl who ranks restaurants by their french fries and loves cookies more than almost anything in the world). I don't want my life to be that stressful ever again and I like my happy, heartily appetited self, so I wonder if it will even be possible for me to fit into some of my clothes again... It's probably good if I don't, but that doesn't mean a little part of me doesn't hope it will happen anyway. I really like some of those pieces.

Anyway, since Claire has exhibited all the signs of being an easy, non-stressful baby, I'm turning to exercise. I've never been good at working out on my own- the most fit I've ever been was when I swam as part of a team and when I did exercise classes in college, but I'm going to try. Joining a gym is definitely not in the budget right now, and while working out with JP would be just like having a coach, I'm not sure our marriage could survive it. He watched me swim once and I did not take well to his well-intentioned critiques of my stroke. The same thing also happened when we lifted weights together once- a barbell was very nearly dropped on his foot. Accidentally of course.

So I've planned a swimming work out for myself tomorrow. It's approximately 135 degrees here, so running or walking or doing anything outdoors and not in water is out of the question. I'm really hoping I can make myself swim more than a few hundred yards and that I'll keep it up a few times a week. That would be unlike me. Maybe a sticker chart would help? If only I had some sort of public forum to write about my progress with a way for people to comment and bug me if I don't stick with me plan. That might work...

Birthday Wrap-Up

One more post to wrap up the birthday weekend. Yesterday morning was Landon's party at a brightly colored warehouse full of bounce houses, aka Toddler Heaven.

a small corner of the inflatable universe

We picked this particular place because it's near our house (and near all of his friends' houses), relatively new, very clean, and geared toward the younger crowd. It was also very well priced. I think I spent more money hosting his party at our house last year- though this did deny me a chance to use my serving dishes and lay out a table full of food and I do love doing that.

Anyway, the kids LOVED it and JP, who got to do his favorite thing and become a kid himself, loved it too.

I don't like to post pictures of other people's kids without their knowledge and permission, and since most people I know don't know I have a blog, there aren't many pictures I can share from the party. For the record, there were 9 toddlers in attendance and all appeared to have a blast. It was adorable to watch them play with each other and to see that happy hysterical squealing is very contagious. I also realized later that all of them were extremely well behaved- everyone got along, happily ate their pizza and fruit, and then patiently waited for their piece of cake.

And speaking of the cake:

Landon found the caterpillar to be every bit as delicious as he anticipated.

It was a lot of fun and it was awesome to just leave at the end of it all. We opened the presents at home after his nap and he got some great things that were mostly different from anything he already had. I'd flirted with the idea of putting "no gifts please" on the invitation because he just doesn't need anything and he continues to be so happy with the toys he already has- I don't think he's ever even asked for anything. But we never buy him toys outside of holidays and his birthday and we've bought gifts for nearly all of his invited friends, so I decided to leave it off. And I have to admit that I'm glad I did- he loves his new toys and has spent the whole day rotating among them (current favorite: a Melissa & Doug grilling set and a John Deere tractor/dump truck thingy). We already wrote our thank-you notes and talked about how nice it was that all of his friends picked out such special presents for him-- and if asked he'll tell you his favorite part about his birthday was the cake (and, if pressed to move beyond sugar, he'll say it was bouncing at the bounce house with his friends), so I guess I shouldn't worry too much about materialism taking hold of him. Not yet at least.

All in all it was a lovely, surprisingly relaxing birthday celebration. Now I'll get back to some regularly scheduled publishing on things like my thoughts on being halfway through my maternity leave, c-section v. vaginal birth recovery, Claire's newbornhood, and whatever else I happen think of or you ask me to write about.

.

For the baby book (written yesterday)

Dear Landon,

Today you are three years old. You've been looking forward to this day since sometime in February when you learned it was my birthday and wanted to know about yours. Since then you have told at least 100 strangers that "my birthday is in July!" and we have discussed the merits of various birthday cakes for months. For the record, you selected a chocolate cake with white frosting from Costco that they will decorate with a multi-colored caterpillar. You are extremely excited about this cake and the fact that your friends will get to eat it too.

In fact, as I sit here and think about what I want to memorialize about who you are right now, I think that's it- you are just 38 inches and 38 pounds of excitement. Excitement, playfulness, and love. Toddlers have a bad reputation and you have single handedly slayed it for anyone who knows you. You are so happy and smiley, so giving and empathetic, and just so generally sweet that it's impossible not to smile when you're around. You love new people, adapt easily to change, and are enthusiastic about nearly everything.

You talk non-stop, using new words and complex phrases in a way that surprises us daily. There are so many nights that your daddy and I lay in bed and one of us will just start laughing quietly over something you said during the day. You are very matter-of-fact, often telling us things that you want to happen as though they are already certain. You remember things we've said and play them back for us at inopportune times weeks later. You also put things together to make your own, surprisingly logical, conclusions. Yesterday when I was feeding Claire a bottle you walked over to us and said, "Baby Claire, you need to drink ALL you milk so you can grow up big and strong and talk to me!". I'm assuming this came from us telling you that milk is Claire's food, that Claire can't talk to you until she gets bigger, and your food makes you big and strong. It's little moments like that that make me unbelievably glad I had children.

And speaking of Claire, you are such an amazing big brother. You love Claire and introduce her as "my baby sister" to everyone. Your favorite thing is to "pet" her head or her feet and you always insist on giving her a hug before you go to bed. You get very excited every time we take a car ride because "baby Claire" is next to you in the back seat. Sometimes I'll walk into a room to find you sitting near her and playing and when you see me you say "I was just taking care of my sister mommy". When she cries you're one of the first in our room to check on her and ever since we mentioned she sometimes has a tummy ache you walk up and ask her how she's feeling every morning. You really do love her very much and it is a joy to see.

You continue to love your room and your bed, and you sleep from approximately 8 pm to 7 am each night. You have never left your bed at night, and in the morning you take yourself downstairs to play in the playroom until mommy and daddy wake up. In fact, it wasn't until a few weeks ago when I was up at 6:30 feeding Claire that I found out you come downstairs a lot earlier than we thought you did! But I think you like your early alone time because you looked very confused and not exactly happy to see me awake when you were. Each morning when daddy or I come out of our room we'll find you building a block tower or reading a book to Puppy, Ducky, and Teddy (the three animals you sleep with every night and tuck carefully back into your bed before you leave for daycare in the morning) and you look up with a giant smile and announce, "I had a great sleep!" It's one of my favorite parts of our day.

You continue to love "daycay" and your friends and teachers and they all love you back. Music class is your very favorite activity and when you have your Friday dance parties (one of your teachers DJ's at night and he brings his equipment out on the playground on Fridays) you are a big hit- we've heard from teachers who aren't even in your class that they love to watch you groove. You also love trucks, sharks, dinosaurs, blocks, space ships, airplanes and hepatopters, fire trucks, books, balls, hats, Spiderman, and taking showers. You now take a shower every morning with daddy and you act like it's some sort of special treat we're giving you.

And lest you one day think you were too perfect, there are a few things you do NOT love. Namely, eating your dinner in a timely manner, thunder (aka "funder"), your swimming lessons (though you claim to afterward), watching TV or movies, and when we call your crocs "shoes" (the latter seems to be a particular pet peeve of yours). Based on past experience you also don't like long car rides, but we're hoping that will change as you (hopefully) discover that the occasional TV show or movie is fun and an excellent substitute for screaming that you want to "go home to Austin" over and over again. I should probably also note that you are 100% potty-trained during the day, 75% potty trained during your nap, and 0% potty trained at night. We haven't actually attempted the night part yet. You sleep like you are unconscious and given that loud movies and the parties we've held downstairs don't wake you- nor does the two minutes of shoulder shaking I've had to do on the rare mornings I need to wake you up early, I don't think the urge to pee would either. Maybe next year.

You are truly a joy and a gift to your daddy and me, Landon, and above anything else I wish for you it's that you always keep your zest for life, your enthusiasm for all things new, and your huge heart. We love you so very much.

Mommy.

A 3rd Birthday in Pictures

Today was Landon's birthday. Or, as he would tell you, "My Birthday is TODAY!!!!!!" He was so excited he actually had a bit of a meltdown this morning, but he pulled himself together and enjoyed a nearly perfect day.

It started out with some playtime with babyclaire around 9 a.m. When I watch them together I'm pretty sure we could just tell him that Claire is his birthday present and he'd accept it without asking for anything else.

Next he made muffins with mom and Gigi (my mom drove in yesterday to see Landon on his birthday and to babysit so JP and I could go out on a hot date last night). He decorated them with little Spidermans and then asked to take them to daycay to share with his friends.

We got to daycare around 10:30 to find his door decorated for his special day. Ms. C also made him an adorable crown in his favorite color- I love his daycare.

When I picked him up he told me that his friends sang to him "lots of times" and that his birthday was all done. When I said, "no, buddy, it's your birthday all day!" he was SO excited. I guess he thought birthdays were just a morning thing. We stopped at HEB so he could pick out his special birthday cupcake and he told at least two employees that, "it's still my birthday!" News like that must be shared.

Dinner was his choice - pepperoni pizza from Costco. Delicious.

During dinner there were lots of phone calls from extended family. Landon is quite the phone talker and had lots to say about his day, his pizza, his babyclaire, and his bounce house party on Saturday.

After eating his pizza and some fruit, it was finally cupcake time. This was the moment Landon had been looking forward to for about 6 months.

Claire wasn't quite as excited as her brother. (This picture absolutely cracks me up.)

After cupcakes it was time for presents. Landon got some legos, a lego watch, a snake water hose, a suitcase (from his parents, because we're boring), some books, and a Spiderman action figure (from my sister's boyfriend, Landon thinks he's very cool). He was excited about everything, but I'm pretty sure he'd trade it all in for another cupcake.

After presents there was just enough time for a quick birthday shower (Landon is obsessed with taking showers now), lots of birthday hugs, and a birthday story with daddy.

It was a simple, happy day- perfect for the little boy we love so much.