If you saw some weird posts from me yesterday, please ignore. I was re-reading some old posts and tried to re-post a couple that I had taken down that related to why I left my last job. But they posted with yesterday's date instead of in their original timeline, so I took them right back down and prayed they didn't show up in anybody's news feed.
Anyway, I was reading posts from spring 2009 when I was at my last job. I may think life is tough these day, but it was so much worse back then. I was working way too many hours, I earned a lot less, and the environment was absolutely toxic.
The named partner that I worked for was an asshole. He was an asshole to opposing counsel and he was an asshole to everybody that he worked with. I can see in my posts how I was always holding my breath around him--it was like living with an abusive spouse. You just never knew when he was going to explode or when he was going to bring you (figurative) flowers.
The other partner I worked for wasn't an asshole (at least not in the same, overt, sense), but he didn't improve life. He was obviously afraid of the named partner and had no problem letting me take the fall for things that weren't my fault. Fortunately, named partner liked me, so it wasn't career killing. But I was constantly defending my staff, because I would rather suffer than them (and he would fire somebody for minor infractions). It would have been nice to have had a superior who would go to bat for me every once in a while.
I've now been at my current job quite a bit longer than I was at that job, and I still have so much anger for the way I was treated there.
Over the last year I have contemplated whether to stay at my current firm or make another change. I know that I am on the partnership track at my current firm, and that I can stay with them for the rest of my career if that is what I want. And now, as a mid-level, is the time to make some decisions.
I will admit that I don't love my practice area. I sort of fell into it. It can be dry. I see a lot of the same issues over and over. I want to be in court more, and we settle virtually everything. (But I think these issues may be the same in any commercial litigation practice.)
What keeps me here is that the environment is so much better than where I was. I sometimes get frustrated with my bosses, and we all have our asshole days, but there is none of the relentless torture that I suffered as a young lawyer. Any one of my bosses would stand up for me to another if it came down to it--but nobody is throwing me under the bus anymore, anyway.
I don't work nearly the hours that I worked back then, and my compensation is much better. My billables are much lower, although I do a lot more nonbillable work, and I have never heard a peep about my billables. I have the flexibility to make appointments or work from home when I need to and not feel like I am being docked for it. And I actually like the people that I work with.
There is a whole lot to be said for all of that. I've been getting calls from recruiters lately, but they've got nothing that would entice me to leave. I've seen the dark side and I don't want to go back there. And any pay increase would come with a much higher billable requirement. I'm very happy with my work/pay balance, and I'm not very interested in taking more time away from my family just to make a little more money.
So, in the end, I choose a better working environment over a choice practice area. (And don't get me wrong, I do love my job.) Besides, it's kind of fun to see the quizzical look of people's faces when I tell them what kind of law I practice, because no one ever expects it.
3/4/12
3/3/12
Whirlwind Weekend
Friday started with me rushing out the door to make a 9:00 meeting. I was running behind because I spent too much pondering the perfect outfit for an early-evening "business casual" event at a national convention in San Antonio.
Usually I interpret business casual as a cardigan and dress pants, but that just didn't seem quite right this time. And I had to fly to this event, so I needed something that could also stand up to marching through the airport, disrobing for security, and the general disheveldness that comes with a day of work and travel.
So I took a while figuring it all out, but I think I came up with just the right ensemble.
And then, on my way out the door, I noticed a hole in the seam of my skirt. No time to change and it was mostly covered by my top, so I just grabbed a safety pin and kept on moving.
Made it to my meeting with 5 minutes to spare. I spent the rest of my morning tying up loose ends before the weekend and sewing up my skirt in the ladies room (tiny sewing kit = best conference swag ever).
Left the office at noon to head to the airport. Had to go through the body scanner. Not happy.
One of my bosses was on the same flight, so we took a cab from to the event venue. But the cab driver dropped us off at the wrong location and disappeared. He left us at a martini bar and we were going to a wine bar. Fortunately, the martini bartender was kind enough to give me directions and we were only a couple of blocks away.
The event went really well and I was happy with my choice of outfits.
Four of us (three partners and me) were on the same late flight home, which kept getting delayed, leaving us with a few hours to kill after the event. And so P1 says, "Let's go see the Alamo." And the rest of us say, "what?" And P1 says, "we have to go see the Alamo. It's only a few blocks from here and it's Texas Independence Day."
And so we take off in the direction we think the Alamo might be. In the dark. And I am in 3" heels.
We wander a bit and do not find the Alamo. We ask for directions and find that we have somehow circled around the Alamo. We eventually do find the Alamo, take a few pics, and then say, "ok we've seen the Alamo, now what?"
P1 says, "now we have to see the River Walk." Really? My feet are freaking killing me.
Fortunately the River Walk is really close to the Alamo. And so we were able to hit all of the touristy San Antonio hot spots in under an hour. We walk a bit more (now my calves are cramping), the guys start to take pity on me, and we eventually find a bar to chill out in until our much-delayed flight.
On the way home we see fireworks from the plane. Very cool.
I get home very late and I am very tired.
But I have to get up at 6:00 this morning because I volunteered to work the twins' school carnival/5k. And I volunteered to pick up 3 of PS's friends who are volunteering to work the carnival. And so by 7:00 I am driving all over town picking up overly chipper teenagers. I take then to the school, cheer DH in the race,run up the bids on the silent auction, and help out with the carnival until the very end at 1:00, and then return all of the now-obnoxious teenagers back home.
Go to lunch with the family and then to the sporting goods store to buy cleats before soccer starts next week. Because my girls have giant adult--sized feet I had to pay much more for shoes than I wanted to, and $170 later they are ready for soccer.
Whew! Not much else on the agenda except for a trip to Costco tomorrow (which is literally 2 minutes from my house--I've timed it!), but I think I've already crammed a couple of weekends in here.
Usually I interpret business casual as a cardigan and dress pants, but that just didn't seem quite right this time. And I had to fly to this event, so I needed something that could also stand up to marching through the airport, disrobing for security, and the general disheveldness that comes with a day of work and travel.
So I took a while figuring it all out, but I think I came up with just the right ensemble.
And then, on my way out the door, I noticed a hole in the seam of my skirt. No time to change and it was mostly covered by my top, so I just grabbed a safety pin and kept on moving.
Made it to my meeting with 5 minutes to spare. I spent the rest of my morning tying up loose ends before the weekend and sewing up my skirt in the ladies room (tiny sewing kit = best conference swag ever).
Left the office at noon to head to the airport. Had to go through the body scanner. Not happy.
One of my bosses was on the same flight, so we took a cab from to the event venue. But the cab driver dropped us off at the wrong location and disappeared. He left us at a martini bar and we were going to a wine bar. Fortunately, the martini bartender was kind enough to give me directions and we were only a couple of blocks away.
The event went really well and I was happy with my choice of outfits.
Four of us (three partners and me) were on the same late flight home, which kept getting delayed, leaving us with a few hours to kill after the event. And so P1 says, "Let's go see the Alamo." And the rest of us say, "what?" And P1 says, "we have to go see the Alamo. It's only a few blocks from here and it's Texas Independence Day."
And so we take off in the direction we think the Alamo might be. In the dark. And I am in 3" heels.
We wander a bit and do not find the Alamo. We ask for directions and find that we have somehow circled around the Alamo. We eventually do find the Alamo, take a few pics, and then say, "ok we've seen the Alamo, now what?"
P1 says, "now we have to see the River Walk." Really? My feet are freaking killing me.
Fortunately the River Walk is really close to the Alamo. And so we were able to hit all of the touristy San Antonio hot spots in under an hour. We walk a bit more (now my calves are cramping), the guys start to take pity on me, and we eventually find a bar to chill out in until our much-delayed flight.
On the way home we see fireworks from the plane. Very cool.
I get home very late and I am very tired.
But I have to get up at 6:00 this morning because I volunteered to work the twins' school carnival/5k. And I volunteered to pick up 3 of PS's friends who are volunteering to work the carnival. And so by 7:00 I am driving all over town picking up overly chipper teenagers. I take then to the school, cheer DH in the race,run up the bids on the silent auction, and help out with the carnival until the very end at 1:00, and then return all of the now-obnoxious teenagers back home.
Go to lunch with the family and then to the sporting goods store to buy cleats before soccer starts next week. Because my girls have giant adult--sized feet I had to pay much more for shoes than I wanted to, and $170 later they are ready for soccer.
Whew! Not much else on the agenda except for a trip to Costco tomorrow (which is literally 2 minutes from my house--I've timed it!), but I think I've already crammed a couple of weekends in here.
2/29/12
Updating Again
The Sister
So, I finally responded to my sister's friend request. I told her that I was glad to hear from her after all these years and that I had never contacted her before because I didn't want to create complications in her life.
She asked me not to tell my dad anything about her because she didn't want to reopen that chapter of her life. And then she said some things that made it clear that her mother has flat-out lied to her for her entire life and has vilified my father to protect her own reputation. (My dad has plenty of faults, but he was really unfairly portrayed.)
I told my sister that her mother had not been honest with her and that there was more to the story. That I would tell her what I know if she wanted me to, but that it was a conversation best had with her mom.
She asked me for the story, and I told her the truth. (There is more than what I have posted. There is no chance that my dad is her dad.) She knew it was coming, I think she just wanted verification. I also told her that I thought she had a right to find out who her bio-dad really is, but she said that she didn't think she would ever find out and that it was a taboo subject with her mother.
I just can't believe her mom thought this story would never come out.
I am glad that she contacted me. She was an important part of my life, for the short amount of time that she was in it, and if the course of events had happened at a different time in my life, I think I would have better job of keeping up with her.
The Mother
I put her on a plane on Friday, pretty much drama free. My brother visited her at home Friday afternoon and immediately texted me that it was not a good situation and that she and her husband are going to end up hurting each other.
Today she called to say "I just wanted you to know that we are doing just fine." I could mentally picture the raspberry she was blowing at me.
But she hasn't left the house since she got there. And the helper that she supposedly hired flaked out on her, but some friend of a friend might know someone who can help out.
Okey dokey. You keep living in fantasy land. I truly believe that her husband will be dead within a year if he has to serve as her primary caregiver. And I'll be stunned if she doesn't end up with more broken parts from being dropped. But I guess it's not my problem.
So, I finally responded to my sister's friend request. I told her that I was glad to hear from her after all these years and that I had never contacted her before because I didn't want to create complications in her life.
She asked me not to tell my dad anything about her because she didn't want to reopen that chapter of her life. And then she said some things that made it clear that her mother has flat-out lied to her for her entire life and has vilified my father to protect her own reputation. (My dad has plenty of faults, but he was really unfairly portrayed.)
I told my sister that her mother had not been honest with her and that there was more to the story. That I would tell her what I know if she wanted me to, but that it was a conversation best had with her mom.
She asked me for the story, and I told her the truth. (There is more than what I have posted. There is no chance that my dad is her dad.) She knew it was coming, I think she just wanted verification. I also told her that I thought she had a right to find out who her bio-dad really is, but she said that she didn't think she would ever find out and that it was a taboo subject with her mother.
I just can't believe her mom thought this story would never come out.
I am glad that she contacted me. She was an important part of my life, for the short amount of time that she was in it, and if the course of events had happened at a different time in my life, I think I would have better job of keeping up with her.
The Mother
I put her on a plane on Friday, pretty much drama free. My brother visited her at home Friday afternoon and immediately texted me that it was not a good situation and that she and her husband are going to end up hurting each other.
Today she called to say "I just wanted you to know that we are doing just fine." I could mentally picture the raspberry she was blowing at me.
But she hasn't left the house since she got there. And the helper that she supposedly hired flaked out on her, but some friend of a friend might know someone who can help out.
Okey dokey. You keep living in fantasy land. I truly believe that her husband will be dead within a year if he has to serve as her primary caregiver. And I'll be stunned if she doesn't end up with more broken parts from being dropped. But I guess it's not my problem.
2/25/12
My life isn't all doom and gloom
Professionally, things are actually going pretty well.
At the Schmoozy Breakfast I attended a couple of weeks ago I made what looks to be a solid business contact. She is with an organization kind of like the SBA, but it targets minority-owned business that generate at least $1M/year. Most of her clients are involved in the industry that is my primary practice area. And she needs an attorney to refer clients to. Woot! I had a meeting with her and she said I was the trifecta--a woman, a minority, and the right kind of lawyer. (Although I did have to correct her on one point because I'm only hispanic by marriage. But that didn't seem to bother her.)
She wants me to be part of a panel of speakers at an upcoming event, and I will have other opportunities to give presentations to her clients. She also introduced me to the director of a related organization who would also love to have me come speak to her clients!
This is great news. My firm already has 3 canned presentations that we give regularly, and they have been encouraging me to start giving these. It's also the perfect time to give a legislative update because several laws just went into effect that my firm helped draft that pertain directly to my industry.
And in semi-related news, the director of a brand new whistleblower program for a government agency has called me twice urging my client to apply for an award under the new program. The client is an old friend who I represented pro bono after she was subpoenaed to testify for the government after she gave them a tip that brought down a ponzi scheme. (Yes this is the case where I had a smackdown with unethical defense counsel and where I got my first "no comment" in the press.)
I am stunned that the director of this program called me (twice!) and I think my client may be the very first person to receive an award under this new program!
Finally, I am helping my firm start an industry-related blog. It will be a lot of work (and I promise I will do a far better job editing my posts than I do here), but it will be one more way to get me name out there!
At the Schmoozy Breakfast I attended a couple of weeks ago I made what looks to be a solid business contact. She is with an organization kind of like the SBA, but it targets minority-owned business that generate at least $1M/year. Most of her clients are involved in the industry that is my primary practice area. And she needs an attorney to refer clients to. Woot! I had a meeting with her and she said I was the trifecta--a woman, a minority, and the right kind of lawyer. (Although I did have to correct her on one point because I'm only hispanic by marriage. But that didn't seem to bother her.)
She wants me to be part of a panel of speakers at an upcoming event, and I will have other opportunities to give presentations to her clients. She also introduced me to the director of a related organization who would also love to have me come speak to her clients!
This is great news. My firm already has 3 canned presentations that we give regularly, and they have been encouraging me to start giving these. It's also the perfect time to give a legislative update because several laws just went into effect that my firm helped draft that pertain directly to my industry.
And in semi-related news, the director of a brand new whistleblower program for a government agency has called me twice urging my client to apply for an award under the new program. The client is an old friend who I represented pro bono after she was subpoenaed to testify for the government after she gave them a tip that brought down a ponzi scheme. (Yes this is the case where I had a smackdown with unethical defense counsel and where I got my first "no comment" in the press.)
I am stunned that the director of this program called me (twice!) and I think my client may be the very first person to receive an award under this new program!
Finally, I am helping my firm start an industry-related blog. It will be a lot of work (and I promise I will do a far better job editing my posts than I do here), but it will be one more way to get me name out there!
2/23/12
Updates and Answers on My Two Jerry Springer Posts
The Sister:
I still haven't contacted her or responded to her friend request. I just have to deal with my mother first and I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed.
AAL is correct that my dad would be her presumptive father unless there is a paternity test or her mother signs an affidavit. I don't see how it really matters, anyway. The only way I can see that being an issue is if my father died intestate, and I can't see my brother or me contesting paternity to deny her an inheritance given the hand that she has been dealt.
But that did get me thinking that maybe her mom did sign the affidavit when they were getting divorced. I don't know the state of the law 20 years ago, but now chances are slim you could get a divorce without a support order.
And for the record, I do not support my father's actions. Biodad or not, he essentially adopted her and then just gave up on her her when she was 5. Maybe he thought that if he tried to get custod, her parentage would come out and he didn't want to fight that battle. But I can't imagine parenting a child for 5 years and then just letting that child go.
The Mother:
I pretty much ignored her yesterday because I knew if I talked to her I would say what I think and what I think right now isn't very nice. I finally called her back this morning, and she demanded, "Have you booked my flight yet? I need to know when I'm leaving." I told her that I didn't know it was my responsibility to book her flight. She has a computer and a lot more time than I do. She said, "well, I don't have my credit card number anymore." Whatever. It took me about 2 minutes to book her damn flight. At least that means she is going home on Friday. (Hopefully, I won't count on it until the plane is in the air.)
I did not go into details about her psychological state with the psychiatrist, because I just wanted her to understand the situation and I did not want her trying to diagnose me. I agree that it was grossly unprofessional to call me, and I wasn't overly friendly with her. I don't think it dawned on her until our conversation that my mother was more than the pitiful creature she presents herself as.
I pretty much just want to hide under the covers until my problems go away. But of course, life doesn't work like that. I had sick kids yesterday, and I feel like crap today. I don't know if I'm really sick or if its just stress-induced. I'm spending a couple of hours at home this morning, hoping the Tylenol will kick in. Also waiting to take PS to school. She still doesn't feel great and is supposed to run the mile in her 2nd period PE class today. I know she isn't up to running, so I'll just take her in after PE so she'll be there for the important classes.
I still haven't contacted her or responded to her friend request. I just have to deal with my mother first and I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed.
AAL is correct that my dad would be her presumptive father unless there is a paternity test or her mother signs an affidavit. I don't see how it really matters, anyway. The only way I can see that being an issue is if my father died intestate, and I can't see my brother or me contesting paternity to deny her an inheritance given the hand that she has been dealt.
But that did get me thinking that maybe her mom did sign the affidavit when they were getting divorced. I don't know the state of the law 20 years ago, but now chances are slim you could get a divorce without a support order.
And for the record, I do not support my father's actions. Biodad or not, he essentially adopted her and then just gave up on her her when she was 5. Maybe he thought that if he tried to get custod, her parentage would come out and he didn't want to fight that battle. But I can't imagine parenting a child for 5 years and then just letting that child go.
The Mother:
I pretty much ignored her yesterday because I knew if I talked to her I would say what I think and what I think right now isn't very nice. I finally called her back this morning, and she demanded, "Have you booked my flight yet? I need to know when I'm leaving." I told her that I didn't know it was my responsibility to book her flight. She has a computer and a lot more time than I do. She said, "well, I don't have my credit card number anymore." Whatever. It took me about 2 minutes to book her damn flight. At least that means she is going home on Friday. (Hopefully, I won't count on it until the plane is in the air.)
I did not go into details about her psychological state with the psychiatrist, because I just wanted her to understand the situation and I did not want her trying to diagnose me. I agree that it was grossly unprofessional to call me, and I wasn't overly friendly with her. I don't think it dawned on her until our conversation that my mother was more than the pitiful creature she presents herself as.
I pretty much just want to hide under the covers until my problems go away. But of course, life doesn't work like that. I had sick kids yesterday, and I feel like crap today. I don't know if I'm really sick or if its just stress-induced. I'm spending a couple of hours at home this morning, hoping the Tylenol will kick in. Also waiting to take PS to school. She still doesn't feel great and is supposed to run the mile in her 2nd period PE class today. I know she isn't up to running, so I'll just take her in after PE so she'll be there for the important classes.
2/21/12
As if there is not enough drama in my life...
I thought I posted about this history once before, but I can't find the old post so maybe I deleted it.
I am one of two children from my parents who divorced when I was 9 and my brother was 6. Both parents are now on spouse number 3 who were both acquired after I graduated from high school so they were never really "parents," but just my parents' spouses.
And then there were spouses number 2. Both parents remarried within a couple of years after the divorce, and both did a terrible job picking new spouses. My mother married a construction-worker wife-beater who didn't work more often than he did. He spent most of his time and money building toy trains in the garage. My brother and I had to run to the neighbors and call the cops multiple times because he was beating the crap out of her and threatening to kill her.
He hit me once, and I moved in with my dad. I told my mother it was him or me and she chose him.
My dad married the woman that he was cheating on my mother with before their divorce. She was nice enough, except for the fact that she was a functioning alcoholic and she was partly the cause of my parents divorce. But compared to my mom's husband, she was a peach.
After a few years, my dad and wife 2 announced that they were having a baby. I was 14 and finally getting a sister! But then my mother told us that kid was not our sister because my dad had a vasectomy right after my brother was born.
My dad never said a word and raised the child as his. Until Wife 2 ran left him. For a little while he had visitation with her. And then I went off to college. When I returned the visitations had ended and I never saw my faux- sister again. The last time I saw her was in 1993 at her 5th birthday party.
But this week I got a Facebook friend request from her. Whoa.
I have considered contacting her before, but she was young and I didn't know what her mother had told her. And I didn't want to add drama to her life. I regret losing touch with her, and my only excuse is that I was young, involved with my own changing life, and not sure how to maintain a relationship with her without hurting my dad.
My brother told me a few months ago that she had contacted him through FB. They had been chatting, but weren't "friends". Her mother told her that our dad is her dad and that he walked out on her. She thinks that my brother and I are her siblings. My dad confirmed to my brother that we are not. My brother has not shared this information with her.
I haven't accepted her friend request. I'm just not sure FB is the proper forum for us to reunite. I firmly believe that she should know the truth, and I can't believe that her mother never came clean (if for no other reason than to provide her with a medical history). This kid has never, ever done anything wrong, and I'm sure she's wondering why she was abandoned by her dad and siblings.
She's 23 now. Has kids of her own. I need to talk to her. I think she may have done worse in the parent lottery than I did. I'm just not sure I can deal with this and my mother at the same time.
I am one of two children from my parents who divorced when I was 9 and my brother was 6. Both parents are now on spouse number 3 who were both acquired after I graduated from high school so they were never really "parents," but just my parents' spouses.
And then there were spouses number 2. Both parents remarried within a couple of years after the divorce, and both did a terrible job picking new spouses. My mother married a construction-worker wife-beater who didn't work more often than he did. He spent most of his time and money building toy trains in the garage. My brother and I had to run to the neighbors and call the cops multiple times because he was beating the crap out of her and threatening to kill her.
He hit me once, and I moved in with my dad. I told my mother it was him or me and she chose him.
My dad married the woman that he was cheating on my mother with before their divorce. She was nice enough, except for the fact that she was a functioning alcoholic and she was partly the cause of my parents divorce. But compared to my mom's husband, she was a peach.
After a few years, my dad and wife 2 announced that they were having a baby. I was 14 and finally getting a sister! But then my mother told us that kid was not our sister because my dad had a vasectomy right after my brother was born.
My dad never said a word and raised the child as his. Until Wife 2 ran left him. For a little while he had visitation with her. And then I went off to college. When I returned the visitations had ended and I never saw my faux- sister again. The last time I saw her was in 1993 at her 5th birthday party.
But this week I got a Facebook friend request from her. Whoa.
I have considered contacting her before, but she was young and I didn't know what her mother had told her. And I didn't want to add drama to her life. I regret losing touch with her, and my only excuse is that I was young, involved with my own changing life, and not sure how to maintain a relationship with her without hurting my dad.
My brother told me a few months ago that she had contacted him through FB. They had been chatting, but weren't "friends". Her mother told her that our dad is her dad and that he walked out on her. She thinks that my brother and I are her siblings. My dad confirmed to my brother that we are not. My brother has not shared this information with her.
I haven't accepted her friend request. I'm just not sure FB is the proper forum for us to reunite. I firmly believe that she should know the truth, and I can't believe that her mother never came clean (if for no other reason than to provide her with a medical history). This kid has never, ever done anything wrong, and I'm sure she's wondering why she was abandoned by her dad and siblings.
She's 23 now. Has kids of her own. I need to talk to her. I think she may have done worse in the parent lottery than I did. I'm just not sure I can deal with this and my mother at the same time.
OMG, Really???
So I got a call from my mother's psychiatrist. My mother asked her to call me "because she just gets so distraught whenever she talks to you because you keep telling her that her husband can't take care of her and she needs to move into an assisted living center."
Um, yeah, I do. Because it's true. And I told the psych this. And I told her that the rest of the family is in agreement with me. But I'm the one who gets to be the bad guy and have these conversations.
And so she vents to the shrink about how heartless I am. Yes, because I live in reality. And because I ask the questions like "how are you going to get home from the airport?" and "how are you going to get back and forth to rehab" and "who is going to take care of you when your husband is in the hospital?"
Yeah, I'm the bad guy.
I am so fucking pissed off right now. She fucking tattled to her shrink? She plays the "woe is me" card with everybody--and anybody who doesn't know her well buys it because her situation is so awful. Yes, she has a chronic illness, and yes that has made her life hard. But it doesn't make her a good person. And it doesn't change the fact that long before she had a chronic illness she was a classic narcissist--her illness just gave her an excuse for it. It doesn't change the fact that she doesn't give a crap about anybody in this world except herself.
I guess the good news is that by the time I explained the real situation to the psychiatrist (with lots of "oh, she didn't tell me that"s thrown in), the psychiatrist agreed that I was right and she will try to talk to my mother about the reality of her situation.
There is a reason that I cut her out of my life before, and her stress-inducing toxicity is just about to push me over the edge. Of course she hasn't shown any degree of appreciation for all of the time I have spent at the hospital and rehab, going to her appointments, researching facilities and bringing her every damn thing she ever asked for. At Christmas she went on and on about how she wasn't doing anything for anybody because of her situation, which was fine. But then she got online and ordered my brother. I truly don't care about gifts and I don't need "stuff", but it was a smack in the face.
Um, yeah, I do. Because it's true. And I told the psych this. And I told her that the rest of the family is in agreement with me. But I'm the one who gets to be the bad guy and have these conversations.
And so she vents to the shrink about how heartless I am. Yes, because I live in reality. And because I ask the questions like "how are you going to get home from the airport?" and "how are you going to get back and forth to rehab" and "who is going to take care of you when your husband is in the hospital?"
Yeah, I'm the bad guy.
I am so fucking pissed off right now. She fucking tattled to her shrink? She plays the "woe is me" card with everybody--and anybody who doesn't know her well buys it because her situation is so awful. Yes, she has a chronic illness, and yes that has made her life hard. But it doesn't make her a good person. And it doesn't change the fact that long before she had a chronic illness she was a classic narcissist--her illness just gave her an excuse for it. It doesn't change the fact that she doesn't give a crap about anybody in this world except herself.
I guess the good news is that by the time I explained the real situation to the psychiatrist (with lots of "oh, she didn't tell me that"s thrown in), the psychiatrist agreed that I was right and she will try to talk to my mother about the reality of her situation.
There is a reason that I cut her out of my life before, and her stress-inducing toxicity is just about to push me over the edge. Of course she hasn't shown any degree of appreciation for all of the time I have spent at the hospital and rehab, going to her appointments, researching facilities and bringing her every damn thing she ever asked for. At Christmas she went on and on about how she wasn't doing anything for anybody because of her situation, which was fine. But then she got online and ordered my brother. I truly don't care about gifts and I don't need "stuff", but it was a smack in the face.
2/16/12
Arrgggghhhhh!
Yes, that is me screaming. Yes, it is because of my mother.
She is supposed to be discharged sometime next week and can finally go home. Home, home. Hometown home. (But I'm not counting on my freedom until it happens.)
She is still completely wheelchair bound. She cannot stand and pivot to transfer from the wheelchair to a car or chair. The only way she can get in and out of the wheelchair is by using a sliding board. It is exactly what it sounds like--a narrow board a couple of feet long that spreads from the wheelchair to a bed or another chair that she scoots on. One of the problems with this method is that it will only work if she is transferring to another seat that is very close in height to her wheelchair.
Both of my cars are way to high to use the sliding board.She wants me to rent a car and drive her home--which would cost twice as much and require me to lose a weekend. I said, "we're going to look into flying." Of course, she had a million excuses why flying wouldn't work because she is in a wheelchair.
But guess what? Right on the airline's website are its provisions for disabled passengers. Guess what? The airline has its own sliding boards and the flight attendants are trained to use them (I am not). They also have a tiny wheelchair that will fit down the aisle.
And so she is flying.
But yesterday she said I needed to go buy a sliding board so that I can drive her to the airport and get her in and out of the car. Ummm, no. I am not moving her in and out of the car by myself. She incurs enough injuries when medical professionals try to move her. And besides, my car is still too tall for her board. I told her that she would have to hire a transport company to take her to the airport.
She was not happy. She said "those places cost $40 per trip!" I said, "that sounds very reasonable. That's about what I had to pay for my last cab ride from the airport." She's still pissed. Because it's way more convenient for me to spend $50 renting a car just to risk dropping her than for her to pony up $40 and ensure her own safety.
And then I asked her what her plan was for getting home from the airport. She said, well, I guess I can get my friend Suzy to help Husband.
Yeah, Husband who is in the hospital right now receiving chemotherapy in anticipation of a bone marrow transplant. The Husband who before this last blast of chemo reportedly didn't have the strength of a child.
I have been banging my head against a wall trying to explain to her for the last several weeks that she needs to move into senior apartments where there is staff on site to assist her. She will not do it. She thinks that she is going to go home and her Husband is going to take care of her and their life is going back to normal. It is not. She will kill him. Literally. There is no way in hell that with his cancer and the treatments he is enduring that he can take care of her. He can't even take care of himself. But in typical narcissistic fashion, she can only think about herself. They have the means to move somewhere where people can take care of them, but they just won't do it.
I hope that once she gets there and sees him she comes to her senses. I have no way to force her to act reasonably. But I am truly worried about how her husband is going to fare. She seriously makes me want to scream.
She is supposed to be discharged sometime next week and can finally go home. Home, home. Hometown home. (But I'm not counting on my freedom until it happens.)
She is still completely wheelchair bound. She cannot stand and pivot to transfer from the wheelchair to a car or chair. The only way she can get in and out of the wheelchair is by using a sliding board. It is exactly what it sounds like--a narrow board a couple of feet long that spreads from the wheelchair to a bed or another chair that she scoots on. One of the problems with this method is that it will only work if she is transferring to another seat that is very close in height to her wheelchair.
Both of my cars are way to high to use the sliding board.She wants me to rent a car and drive her home--which would cost twice as much and require me to lose a weekend. I said, "we're going to look into flying." Of course, she had a million excuses why flying wouldn't work because she is in a wheelchair.
But guess what? Right on the airline's website are its provisions for disabled passengers. Guess what? The airline has its own sliding boards and the flight attendants are trained to use them (I am not). They also have a tiny wheelchair that will fit down the aisle.
And so she is flying.
But yesterday she said I needed to go buy a sliding board so that I can drive her to the airport and get her in and out of the car. Ummm, no. I am not moving her in and out of the car by myself. She incurs enough injuries when medical professionals try to move her. And besides, my car is still too tall for her board. I told her that she would have to hire a transport company to take her to the airport.
She was not happy. She said "those places cost $40 per trip!" I said, "that sounds very reasonable. That's about what I had to pay for my last cab ride from the airport." She's still pissed. Because it's way more convenient for me to spend $50 renting a car just to risk dropping her than for her to pony up $40 and ensure her own safety.
And then I asked her what her plan was for getting home from the airport. She said, well, I guess I can get my friend Suzy to help Husband.
Yeah, Husband who is in the hospital right now receiving chemotherapy in anticipation of a bone marrow transplant. The Husband who before this last blast of chemo reportedly didn't have the strength of a child.
I have been banging my head against a wall trying to explain to her for the last several weeks that she needs to move into senior apartments where there is staff on site to assist her. She will not do it. She thinks that she is going to go home and her Husband is going to take care of her and their life is going back to normal. It is not. She will kill him. Literally. There is no way in hell that with his cancer and the treatments he is enduring that he can take care of her. He can't even take care of himself. But in typical narcissistic fashion, she can only think about herself. They have the means to move somewhere where people can take care of them, but they just won't do it.
I hope that once she gets there and sees him she comes to her senses. I have no way to force her to act reasonably. But I am truly worried about how her husband is going to fare. She seriously makes me want to scream.
2/11/12
Another Week Goes By
So, last week was crazy. I picked up two new cases, both with limitations running early next week. That kept me busy.
My mother was moved from the hospital into rehab on Wednesday, no surgery needed. Of course, she has returned to her typical demanding self. At 7:00 on Tuesday night she called and informed me that she would need regular clothes and that I had to do her laundry for her. Apparently the rehab place that she was in before (that was supposed to be doing her laundry) packed up all of her clothes dirty!
I was working late, but TT took care of it (DH wasn't about to touch his MIL's undies). I dropped off her stuff on Wednesday, and then on Thursday she called my on my way home from work at 7:00 and informed me that it was the wrong stuff, that she needed her winter clothes and there was more to bring back. I told her that I was not going home and doing her laundry. I had a nanny interview that night and I still had work to finish up because I had to rush home for the interview (that I nearly forgot about). She whined. Oh well. I know that she had two pairs of sweat pants and two sweaters in addition to t-shirts and lighter weight clothes in the jam-packed suitcase that I had already taken her.
Meanwhile, I hired a nanny! Yay! Yes, it is the model. Fingers-crossed this all works out, because the girls really need someone who can transport them in the afternoon.
Today, PS applied to be a volunteer page at the library. (She has to perform a certain number of volunteer hours for NJHS.) She was so cute filling out the application, just like a real job! And then she had to do an interview and take an alphabetization test. Of course, she got the (volunteer) job. It certainly didn't hurt that her elementary school librarian was also working in the library that day and gave raving reviews to the volunteer coordinator.
Overall, today was a quiet and relaxing end to a crazy week. Tomorrow will be busier--Girl Scout cookies are in!
My mother was moved from the hospital into rehab on Wednesday, no surgery needed. Of course, she has returned to her typical demanding self. At 7:00 on Tuesday night she called and informed me that she would need regular clothes and that I had to do her laundry for her. Apparently the rehab place that she was in before (that was supposed to be doing her laundry) packed up all of her clothes dirty!
I was working late, but TT took care of it (DH wasn't about to touch his MIL's undies). I dropped off her stuff on Wednesday, and then on Thursday she called my on my way home from work at 7:00 and informed me that it was the wrong stuff, that she needed her winter clothes and there was more to bring back. I told her that I was not going home and doing her laundry. I had a nanny interview that night and I still had work to finish up because I had to rush home for the interview (that I nearly forgot about). She whined. Oh well. I know that she had two pairs of sweat pants and two sweaters in addition to t-shirts and lighter weight clothes in the jam-packed suitcase that I had already taken her.
Meanwhile, I hired a nanny! Yay! Yes, it is the model. Fingers-crossed this all works out, because the girls really need someone who can transport them in the afternoon.
Today, PS applied to be a volunteer page at the library. (She has to perform a certain number of volunteer hours for NJHS.) She was so cute filling out the application, just like a real job! And then she had to do an interview and take an alphabetization test. Of course, she got the (volunteer) job. It certainly didn't hurt that her elementary school librarian was also working in the library that day and gave raving reviews to the volunteer coordinator.
Overall, today was a quiet and relaxing end to a crazy week. Tomorrow will be busier--Girl Scout cookies are in!
2/5/12
Random Rambling Updates
So, my niece did great with her appendectomy and went home from the hospital the very next day. Yay!
My mother was finally moved from ICU to a regular room late Friday night. At this point we don't know what's happening next. Surgery may be off the table. The surgeon did an aspiration of her leg and the fluid didn't look infected, but we are waiting for the results of the cultures to come back. Nevertheless, she is looking at a few weeks of IV antibiotics.
This week was hectic, but fortunately work was not too bad since we settled 3 big cases last week. I billed an abysmally low number of hours because I just couldn't focus and I was taking advantage of the peace and quiet of my office to take care of personal issues. I had to attend a big schmoozefest Thursday morning, where I was seated between a state legislator and the former mayor of Big City. I really liked the legislator, not so much the former mayor. And on Friday I got a work-related call from a government bigwig that left me shocked (in a good way).
I was in bed by 9:30 both Thursday and Friday nights, but I think I have finally caught up on sleep.
The twins left for a GS camp out on Friday afternoon. We went to dinner with PS, who enjoys getting to be the only child for the weekend. We had hoped to take her to a local theater that performs melodramas where you get to cheer the hero and throw popcorn at the villain, but sadly it was sold out both Friday and Saturday nights. So last night we let her invite a friend over while DH and I went to see The Artist. I really wasn't particularly interested in seeing this movie and honestly thought it looked boring. But I loved it! It was really cute and one of the best movies I've seen in a while.
Today I might go into the office for a couple of hours to make up for my slacking earlier in the week, but not much else on the agenda.
So yay for a relaxing weekend!
My mother was finally moved from ICU to a regular room late Friday night. At this point we don't know what's happening next. Surgery may be off the table. The surgeon did an aspiration of her leg and the fluid didn't look infected, but we are waiting for the results of the cultures to come back. Nevertheless, she is looking at a few weeks of IV antibiotics.
This week was hectic, but fortunately work was not too bad since we settled 3 big cases last week. I billed an abysmally low number of hours because I just couldn't focus and I was taking advantage of the peace and quiet of my office to take care of personal issues. I had to attend a big schmoozefest Thursday morning, where I was seated between a state legislator and the former mayor of Big City. I really liked the legislator, not so much the former mayor. And on Friday I got a work-related call from a government bigwig that left me shocked (in a good way).
I was in bed by 9:30 both Thursday and Friday nights, but I think I have finally caught up on sleep.
The twins left for a GS camp out on Friday afternoon. We went to dinner with PS, who enjoys getting to be the only child for the weekend. We had hoped to take her to a local theater that performs melodramas where you get to cheer the hero and throw popcorn at the villain, but sadly it was sold out both Friday and Saturday nights. So last night we let her invite a friend over while DH and I went to see The Artist. I really wasn't particularly interested in seeing this movie and honestly thought it looked boring. But I loved it! It was really cute and one of the best movies I've seen in a while.
Today I might go into the office for a couple of hours to make up for my slacking earlier in the week, but not much else on the agenda.
So yay for a relaxing weekend!
2/4/12
The Mommy Diaries
I am having a heck of a time finding a nanny/chaos control agent this time around and I need to fill this position ASAP. I've put up an ad on my regular nanny-finder website, but I haven't had a lot of interest. This week I contacted the counselors at the two local high schools to see if they have a job board for seniors, and I've had a couple of calls but nothing looks promising.
These are the results of the interviews I have conducted so far:
Candidate 1: High school senior. She seemed very mature and responsible and was my top choice. But her mom had concerns about the liability she would assume by driving the kids around, and so she ultimately pulled out. It was probably a good thing, because I got the impression that she was trying to talk her mom into something her mom was clearly not comfortable with--which makes her seem less mature than I thought.
Candidate 2: First year college student. Zero personality. And when I asked why she wanted the job, she replied, "Because I need the money."
Candidate 3: Mom, about my age. A little rough around the edges, but she interviewed well and moved to the top of the list. Unfortunately, her background check revealed information that automatically disqualified her.
Candidate 4: High school senior. A little over-confident. When I asked about her driving record she flippantly replied, "Only one accident, a few speeding tickets, but no drinking and driving or anything."
Candidate 5: Twenty-something. No recent job history, not in school. Big gaping hole in her past. Could not "read" her (I am usually very good at reading people). Something was just off. She was obviously giving me the answers she thought I wanted to hear instead of giving me real answers.
Candidate 6: Twenty-something college student. I like her a lot. She has a minor disability that adds to her appeal. It shows that she has had to overcome adversity. And then I turned to Google for a background check. And the first thing I find is a picture of her in her underwear. It is obviously from a professional modeling shoot. And to be more specific, she is in boy shorts and a tank top. And there is another one in a sports bra and yoga pants. I actually find several modeling photos of her. She is stunning. Some of the pictures are mildly suggestive, but nothing that is actually revealing. I don't find anything concerning about her in my Google search. Her FB page is unlocked, but everything is pretty innocuous and its obvious that she dotes on her little brother. I still like her a lot, and she is now at the top of my list. But am I nuts to hire someone who I've seen modeling in her underwear? It is a bit awkward, and I'll admit that I definitely do not want DH to see these pics. But she is now at the top of the list.
I have one more interview scheduled with a high school student. But just based on our phone conversation, I think I will prefer candidate 6.
I also had one guy apply through the nanny-finder. Um, no. I don't care if it's sexism, there is no way in Hades that I'm hiring a guy.
These are the results of the interviews I have conducted so far:
Candidate 6: Twenty-something college student. I like her a lot. She has a minor disability that adds to her appeal. It shows that she has had to overcome adversity. And then I turned to Google for a background check. And the first thing I find is a picture of her in her underwear. It is obviously from a professional modeling shoot. And to be more specific, she is in boy shorts and a tank top. And there is another one in a sports bra and yoga pants. I actually find several modeling photos of her. She is stunning. Some of the pictures are mildly suggestive, but nothing that is actually revealing. I don't find anything concerning about her in my Google search. Her FB page is unlocked, but everything is pretty innocuous and its obvious that she dotes on her little brother. I still like her a lot, and she is now at the top of my list. But am I nuts to hire someone who I've seen modeling in her underwear? It is a bit awkward, and I'll admit that I definitely do not want DH to see these pics. But she is now at the top of the list.
I have one more interview scheduled with a high school student. But just based on our phone conversation, I think I will prefer candidate 6.
I also had one guy apply through the nanny-finder. Um, no. I don't care if it's sexism, there is no way in Hades that I'm hiring a guy.
2/1/12
Seriously, God?
My brother is at the hospital with my 8 year old niece who has appendicitis and is being taken to surgery. Are you freaking kidding me?
1/31/12
Another day, another ... heck, I don't know!
So my mother is stable and she looks a whole lot better. But she will be having surgery. Again. I spoke with the infectious disease doc yesterday morning who said that the infection likely stemmed from her bones or one of her prostheses. He said that surgery was a reasonable possibility, but it would be the surgeon's call, and that they could just do a debridement, or possibly have to remove the newly installed parts.
The surgeon told her that he is just doing the debridement, but I wonder if he just didn't mention that removing the new parts is a possibility. Reading between the lines, I'm concerned that amputation is a possibility, but I'm not mentioning that to her.
And the infectious disease doc said that at a minimum she is looking at several more weeks on IV antibiotics.
So we've essentially rebooted and this story is never going to end.
I had to go to the library after the hospital, and once I sat down in the quiet peace of the law library and processed all of this, it was all I could do to hold back tears. (Can you imagine some crazed lawyer lady crying in the middle of a law school library?) This is going to go on for months. Last month there was a light at the end of the tunnel and now there is not.
I'm spread as thin as I can go. I really don't know what to change to do differently to lighten the load. I have new housekeepers starting today for weekly cleanings and I am scrambling to hire a new nanny, because those are about the only things I can do to relieve some of my stress. (The nanny is not so much a babysitter as a chaos control agent--making sure the girls are doing homework and transporting them to activities and making sure my house isn't a disaster when I come home in the evenings.)
On the bright side, we are in the middle of settling three big cases at work. It is certainly good timing for me, as it will lighten the load at work a bit. But I'm also meeting with a new client this morning, so who knows what that will bring.
The surgeon told her that he is just doing the debridement, but I wonder if he just didn't mention that removing the new parts is a possibility. Reading between the lines, I'm concerned that amputation is a possibility, but I'm not mentioning that to her.
And the infectious disease doc said that at a minimum she is looking at several more weeks on IV antibiotics.
So we've essentially rebooted and this story is never going to end.
I had to go to the library after the hospital, and once I sat down in the quiet peace of the law library and processed all of this, it was all I could do to hold back tears. (Can you imagine some crazed lawyer lady crying in the middle of a law school library?) This is going to go on for months. Last month there was a light at the end of the tunnel and now there is not.
I'm spread as thin as I can go. I really don't know what to change to do differently to lighten the load. I have new housekeepers starting today for weekly cleanings and I am scrambling to hire a new nanny, because those are about the only things I can do to relieve some of my stress. (The nanny is not so much a babysitter as a chaos control agent--making sure the girls are doing homework and transporting them to activities and making sure my house isn't a disaster when I come home in the evenings.)
On the bright side, we are in the middle of settling three big cases at work. It is certainly good timing for me, as it will lighten the load at work a bit. But I'm also meeting with a new client this morning, so who knows what that will bring.
1/29/12
LC on WebMD
So, in a move all doctors hate, I was googling my mother's condition this morning. I was trying to figure out if sepsis could really have had such sudden onset that the doc who examined her the same morning didn't pick up on it. Apparently it is possible for sepsis to develop over a matter of hours.
But in researching that issue, I learned that the mortality rate for people with her risk factors (poor health, auto-immune disorder, long time on antibiotics) who develop sepsis is very high. It seems I underestimated the seriousness of her condition. I guess I'm just so used to her having to go to the hospital all the freaking time that I'm sort of desensitized to it.
I talked to her internist this morning, who confirmed that her condition is very serious. And he said that we really wouldn't know how serious until 72 hours had passed. I guess they need to see how she responds to the medications that she is on.
They also found a blood clot today and installed a stint. My super awesome husband went up to the hospital during that procedure because I had just returned from visiting her when she called and was supposed to meet with the nanny candidates that I had cancelled on yesterday.
And so, I guess we sit and wait.
But in researching that issue, I learned that the mortality rate for people with her risk factors (poor health, auto-immune disorder, long time on antibiotics) who develop sepsis is very high. It seems I underestimated the seriousness of her condition. I guess I'm just so used to her having to go to the hospital all the freaking time that I'm sort of desensitized to it.
I talked to her internist this morning, who confirmed that her condition is very serious. And he said that we really wouldn't know how serious until 72 hours had passed. I guess they need to see how she responds to the medications that she is on.
They also found a blood clot today and installed a stint. My super awesome husband went up to the hospital during that procedure because I had just returned from visiting her when she called and was supposed to meet with the nanny candidates that I had cancelled on yesterday.
And so, I guess we sit and wait.
1/28/12
Blogging ... it's cheaper than therapy
You know how my uncle was supposed to be taking my mother home today, after five whole months here? Yeah, that didn't happen.
My mother developed sepsis overnight and was taken to the ER. Apparently I never turned the volume back on my phone after my hearing yesterday, so I didn't see the 9 missed calls until 9:00 this morning.
WTF? She saw her surgeon on Friday and he said she was ok to go home. I saw her Friday night, and she was perfectly fine.
Anyway, I called the ER doc to get the scoop (he left his personal cell number!). She told him that her daughter was a lawyer and he clearly did not want to take responsibility for anything that happened to her and was peeved that he couldn't reach her surgeon. She was at a small neighborhood hospital and he wanted her transferred to the big hospital where she had her surgeries. I had no disagreement, as the big hospital is certainly a better facility that the tiny no-name hospital she was currently in.
So, I spent my Saturday at the hospital. I was supposed to interview nannies this morning, and I had to cancel the interviews at the last minute. And I almost cried when I had to tell my girls that I would not get to spend the day with them. I had had a very busy week and was definitely feeling like I was not getting enough girlie time.
I know it's irrational, but I'm angry with her. I swear I feel like she somehow psychosomatically created this so that she didn't have to go home. (She doesn't want to go home--that's another long story.) I needed her to go home. My time is full with my job and my kids and running my house. I've had hardly any downtime since she's been here--because if I have any extra time, I have to stop in and see her, or rearrange my weekend to see her. And usually there's not extra time anyway, and so it's taking away time from my kids or my job. And right this minute, I am really, really busy at work and so she's taking away time with my kids. And it just makes me angry. Because she never made time for her kids. She didn't rearrange her job or her life for us. And the thing I want the most in life is to not be like her. And yet she's making me like her because I'm not spending time with my kids. (I told you this post wasn't rational.)
So anyway, I stayed with her until they got her transferred to the big hospital. She is in ICU there, and probably won't be moved to a regular room for at least another day or two. The ICU nurse gave me a look of incredulity when I left this evening. I guess people usually camp out when a relative is in ICU, from the looks of the chaotic ICU waiting room. But I didn't see what I could do there, and my kids needed me at home.
And so I brought home pizza and we had movie night.
And tomorrow I will have to go back to the hospital, and I rescheduled the nanny interviews, and I have some work that I need to do, and I need to send out the W-whatever to our old nanny, and my house is a wreck (but new housekeepers start Tuesday!) and I need to do laundry, and we can just forget about grocery shopping, but at least I did a big shopping trip last weekend.
I feel like I have absolutely no control over my life any more.
My mother developed sepsis overnight and was taken to the ER. Apparently I never turned the volume back on my phone after my hearing yesterday, so I didn't see the 9 missed calls until 9:00 this morning.
WTF? She saw her surgeon on Friday and he said she was ok to go home. I saw her Friday night, and she was perfectly fine.
Anyway, I called the ER doc to get the scoop (he left his personal cell number!). She told him that her daughter was a lawyer and he clearly did not want to take responsibility for anything that happened to her and was peeved that he couldn't reach her surgeon. She was at a small neighborhood hospital and he wanted her transferred to the big hospital where she had her surgeries. I had no disagreement, as the big hospital is certainly a better facility that the tiny no-name hospital she was currently in.
So, I spent my Saturday at the hospital. I was supposed to interview nannies this morning, and I had to cancel the interviews at the last minute. And I almost cried when I had to tell my girls that I would not get to spend the day with them. I had had a very busy week and was definitely feeling like I was not getting enough girlie time.
I know it's irrational, but I'm angry with her. I swear I feel like she somehow psychosomatically created this so that she didn't have to go home. (She doesn't want to go home--that's another long story.) I needed her to go home. My time is full with my job and my kids and running my house. I've had hardly any downtime since she's been here--because if I have any extra time, I have to stop in and see her, or rearrange my weekend to see her. And usually there's not extra time anyway, and so it's taking away time from my kids or my job. And right this minute, I am really, really busy at work and so she's taking away time with my kids. And it just makes me angry. Because she never made time for her kids. She didn't rearrange her job or her life for us. And the thing I want the most in life is to not be like her. And yet she's making me like her because I'm not spending time with my kids. (I told you this post wasn't rational.)
So anyway, I stayed with her until they got her transferred to the big hospital. She is in ICU there, and probably won't be moved to a regular room for at least another day or two. The ICU nurse gave me a look of incredulity when I left this evening. I guess people usually camp out when a relative is in ICU, from the looks of the chaotic ICU waiting room. But I didn't see what I could do there, and my kids needed me at home.
And so I brought home pizza and we had movie night.
And tomorrow I will have to go back to the hospital, and I rescheduled the nanny interviews, and I have some work that I need to do, and I need to send out the W-whatever to our old nanny, and my house is a wreck (but new housekeepers start Tuesday!) and I need to do laundry, and we can just forget about grocery shopping, but at least I did a big shopping trip last weekend.
I feel like I have absolutely no control over my life any more.
1/26/12
Great Day Parts 2 and 3 (But it's getting better!)
Oh please let this week end soon.
Wednesday:
I settled a $10M case for 4 figures. (It's not nearly as impressive as it sounds. But it was good to get my client out of a complex, multi-party case that was going to be very expensive to defend.)
I got threatened with a $100M lawsuit. (Guess we hit a nerve with that Complaint!)
I filed a motion for sanctions against yesterday's lawyer for failing to remove his improperly noticed hearing from the Friday's docket. (I forgot about the mailbox rule in my last post, so I didn't even have to rely on the lame technical late fax argument.)
I finally got home from work at 10:00 pm.
Thursday:
Telephone hearing with arbitrator (my first arbitration!)
Worked my tail off to draft a substantive response to the bullshit, late-filed motion, but had it on file by 4:00 (yay e-filing!)
Got another late-filed bullshit motion from the same opposing counsel that completely manipulates two different statutes. Happily learn that I completely anticipated and countered opposing counsel's arguments in the response I had just filed. Feel very good about arguing against this bullshit motion because I read every single case involving one of the statutes when I did my annual survey a few weeks ago, and I fully researched the other statute for another case recently. (Unfortunately there is absolutely no case law construing both of the statutes together. This would be a great case to take up on appeal.)
Left the office at 5:15 (Woot!), terrible traffic, grabbed kids for a quick dinner, then had to go buy a gift for a baby shower at work tomorrow.
Back home by 8:00, drafted outline of arguments for hearing tomorrow. Got all my mother's crap together so that I can drop it off because my uncle is driving her home Saturday morning!!!!
Tomorrow:
Hearing, baby shower, drop off mother's crap.
Wednesday:
I settled a $10M case for 4 figures. (It's not nearly as impressive as it sounds. But it was good to get my client out of a complex, multi-party case that was going to be very expensive to defend.)
I got threatened with a $100M lawsuit. (Guess we hit a nerve with that Complaint!)
I filed a motion for sanctions against yesterday's lawyer for failing to remove his improperly noticed hearing from the Friday's docket. (I forgot about the mailbox rule in my last post, so I didn't even have to rely on the lame technical late fax argument.)
I finally got home from work at 10:00 pm.
Thursday:
Telephone hearing with arbitrator (my first arbitration!)
Worked my tail off to draft a substantive response to the bullshit, late-filed motion, but had it on file by 4:00 (yay e-filing!)
Got another late-filed bullshit motion from the same opposing counsel that completely manipulates two different statutes. Happily learn that I completely anticipated and countered opposing counsel's arguments in the response I had just filed. Feel very good about arguing against this bullshit motion because I read every single case involving one of the statutes when I did my annual survey a few weeks ago, and I fully researched the other statute for another case recently. (Unfortunately there is absolutely no case law construing both of the statutes together. This would be a great case to take up on appeal.)
Left the office at 5:15 (Woot!), terrible traffic, grabbed kids for a quick dinner, then had to go buy a gift for a baby shower at work tomorrow.
Back home by 8:00, drafted outline of arguments for hearing tomorrow. Got all my mother's crap together so that I can drop it off because my uncle is driving her home Saturday morning!!!!
Tomorrow:
Hearing, baby shower, drop off mother's crap.
1/24/12
Great Day (please note sarcasm)
I was busy at work--but that's ok. I'd rather be busy than not. But I had to leave at 5:00 because PS had her freshman information fair tonight starting at 6:30. On an average day it's an hour commute home, and today it was raining so I really didn't have a second to spare.
As I was leaving the office at 5:00, I stopped by the printer and noticed a fax coming in for me. I could tell it was a motion and I wasn't going to be happy about it, but it was still printing and I didn't have time to wait, so I just asked an assistant to scan it to me as soon as it came through.
Rushed home, picked up PS, and headed over to the high school (which is so much farther from our house than her other schools and about 3 times as far away as the closest high school). Opened up the motion to find that I am indeed not happy about it. The motion is set for hearing this Friday (because we already have two other motions set at the same time). So I am essentially given three day's notice of a hearing on a motion that is the equivalent of a MSJ. That is just sleazy lawyering. I don't dispute your right to zealously defend your client, but to set an evidentiary motion for hearing with three days' notice is just slimy.You couldn't have even got the court to set a hearing that fast if we weren't already on the docket.
Actually, he didn't technically give me three days' notice. Our rules state that service by fax has to be received by 5:00 or it will be effective the next day. His motion is stamped 5:01. Not a point that I would normally argue, but in this case I think it is justified.
I am booked the next two days, so it is going to mean late nights to prepare any kind of proper response to this ridiculous motion. And I had an email from a co-defendant asking what my plan was because he is in depositions the next two days. So that was happy news.
And, OMG, the freshman fair had a parent meeting that lasted almost 2 hours. Kill me now. (But it did make me happy to see PS and her girlfriends sitting together and whispering and giggling because she is not normally a giggling, whispering kind of girl).
Stopped on the way home to pick up take out for dinner, and finally set down to eat at 9:15.
Whew! And did I mention it was my birthday? Oh yeah.
At least PS baked a cake for me, so my house smells like cakey goodness and I have some chocolate frosting to drown my troubles in.
As I was leaving the office at 5:00, I stopped by the printer and noticed a fax coming in for me. I could tell it was a motion and I wasn't going to be happy about it, but it was still printing and I didn't have time to wait, so I just asked an assistant to scan it to me as soon as it came through.
Rushed home, picked up PS, and headed over to the high school (which is so much farther from our house than her other schools and about 3 times as far away as the closest high school). Opened up the motion to find that I am indeed not happy about it. The motion is set for hearing this Friday (because we already have two other motions set at the same time). So I am essentially given three day's notice of a hearing on a motion that is the equivalent of a MSJ. That is just sleazy lawyering. I don't dispute your right to zealously defend your client, but to set an evidentiary motion for hearing with three days' notice is just slimy.You couldn't have even got the court to set a hearing that fast if we weren't already on the docket.
Actually, he didn't technically give me three days' notice. Our rules state that service by fax has to be received by 5:00 or it will be effective the next day. His motion is stamped 5:01. Not a point that I would normally argue, but in this case I think it is justified.
I am booked the next two days, so it is going to mean late nights to prepare any kind of proper response to this ridiculous motion. And I had an email from a co-defendant asking what my plan was because he is in depositions the next two days. So that was happy news.
And, OMG, the freshman fair had a parent meeting that lasted almost 2 hours. Kill me now. (But it did make me happy to see PS and her girlfriends sitting together and whispering and giggling because she is not normally a giggling, whispering kind of girl).
Stopped on the way home to pick up take out for dinner, and finally set down to eat at 9:15.
Whew! And did I mention it was my birthday? Oh yeah.
At least PS baked a cake for me, so my house smells like cakey goodness and I have some chocolate frosting to drown my troubles in.
1/21/12
How Not to Behave in a Deposition
I find myself frequently lamenting the decline of civility and good manners. There are some temp workers in my office building who have yet to figure out that letting passengers off of the elevator before you pile in is not only polite, but common sense. When we went to see the Nutcracker people were coming in a full 15 minutes after the performance began, never mind that floor seats started at $50. And at the twins' orchestra concert I received an unbelievably rude response from an grandfatherly type when I politely asked him to quit talking during the performances.
So I don't have great expectations from the general public. But I do expect better from attorneys in a deposition. I guess those expectations are misplaced, too.
I spent three days last week in depositions in a big multi-party case. The room was packed with lawyers. On the second day, one older lawyer asked another attorney if he could borrow her laptop to check on something during a break. She generously agreed, and he proceeded to dominate her laptop during the rest of the deposition. The third day he again commandeered her laptop. And then he started talking. Through the entire deposition, while the poor court reporter was trying to focus and take down the testimony of the deponent. At one point he took a phone call right in the middle of the deposition--without bothering to get up and leave! All the while typing as loudly as humanly possible on the laptop that wasn't his.
He was oblivious to the shaking heads and pointed looks directed at him, and I was surprised nobody said anything. (I was close to it, but I didn't want to further disturb the questioning.)
At the end of the day he thanked the lawyer from whom he had borrowed the laptop for allowing him to ensure he got his desired tee time! She asked if he was going to bring his own laptop to the next round of depos, but he said it was too much trouble. Of course it's much easier to just take over someone else's stuff.
Honestly, my children behave better than this "professional" who was obsessing over his golf game on his client's dime.
So I don't have great expectations from the general public. But I do expect better from attorneys in a deposition. I guess those expectations are misplaced, too.
I spent three days last week in depositions in a big multi-party case. The room was packed with lawyers. On the second day, one older lawyer asked another attorney if he could borrow her laptop to check on something during a break. She generously agreed, and he proceeded to dominate her laptop during the rest of the deposition. The third day he again commandeered her laptop. And then he started talking. Through the entire deposition, while the poor court reporter was trying to focus and take down the testimony of the deponent. At one point he took a phone call right in the middle of the deposition--without bothering to get up and leave! All the while typing as loudly as humanly possible on the laptop that wasn't his.
He was oblivious to the shaking heads and pointed looks directed at him, and I was surprised nobody said anything. (I was close to it, but I didn't want to further disturb the questioning.)
At the end of the day he thanked the lawyer from whom he had borrowed the laptop for allowing him to ensure he got his desired tee time! She asked if he was going to bring his own laptop to the next round of depos, but he said it was too much trouble. Of course it's much easier to just take over someone else's stuff.
Honestly, my children behave better than this "professional" who was obsessing over his golf game on his client's dime.
1/15/12
Out of Control
Feeling a bit out of control. I just don't seem to have enough time lately to get everything done. It's always been a delicate balance between work and family, but I've always managed to pull it off. But lately, more things seem to be falling between the cracks.
For instance, a couple of months ago I ordered some things online. I was in search of a mustard-yellow sweater, but the one that arrived was baby-diarrhea yellow. There was also a belt that I loved but it was too big. It was about $60 worth of merchandise that I needed to return, but I kept putting it off. Shortly before Christmas I looked at the receipt to check my deadline for the return and determined it was in mid-January. So last week I dug it out of my closet to finally return it--and when I checked the receipt again the deadline was in December (apparently I couldn't do simple math back in December.) So now I'm one of those people who donates things to Goodwill with the tags still on, because I couldn't get my shit together.
And then, right before Christmas I got a parking ticket while in court for a hearing. I parked directly next to the meter and loaded it up with every cent I could dig out of every nook and cranny in my car. So when I came out and say the ticket flapping on my windshield, I knew it was unjustified. Indeed, there were still 52 minutes on my meter. I really wanted to fight that ticket--but it was only $35 and wasn't sure it was worth my time. I fumed about it for a couple of days. And then I completely forgot about it and my hearing date passed and my $35 ticket suddenly jumped to $65 and my opportunity to fight it disappeared. (In my defense there was only 2 weeks to deal with the ticket from the day it was written, and because of the holidays, only about 5 working days. But still...) Once again I need to get my shit together.
At least it is only these minor things that I'm failing at. My job and the kids are still ok. But it still leaves me feeling out of sorts.
I think the problem is a combination of losing our beloved nanny in the fall and having to deal with my mother. We tried replacing the nanny with a housekeeper, but she just didn't work out. And I think am going to have to go back to a nanny. And then there's my mother. I keep having to take time off for her surgeries and doctor's appointments. She calls and demands things. Her caseworkers and doctors call me. She keeps getting moved from one facility to another (because medicare will only pay for each type of facility for a certain number of days). And the last facility was a minimum 45 minute drive from my house (the others I could make part of my commute to or from work). I feel like she is sucking every free moment I have and many of my not-free moments. And I will admit that I am resentful. Because I feel like I was forced into this position. And I know that she would not do the same for me--nor would she have done it for her own parents. She keeps hinting about coming to stay with me, but I have unequivocally told her no.
For instance, a couple of months ago I ordered some things online. I was in search of a mustard-yellow sweater, but the one that arrived was baby-diarrhea yellow. There was also a belt that I loved but it was too big. It was about $60 worth of merchandise that I needed to return, but I kept putting it off. Shortly before Christmas I looked at the receipt to check my deadline for the return and determined it was in mid-January. So last week I dug it out of my closet to finally return it--and when I checked the receipt again the deadline was in December (apparently I couldn't do simple math back in December.) So now I'm one of those people who donates things to Goodwill with the tags still on, because I couldn't get my shit together.
And then, right before Christmas I got a parking ticket while in court for a hearing. I parked directly next to the meter and loaded it up with every cent I could dig out of every nook and cranny in my car. So when I came out and say the ticket flapping on my windshield, I knew it was unjustified. Indeed, there were still 52 minutes on my meter. I really wanted to fight that ticket--but it was only $35 and wasn't sure it was worth my time. I fumed about it for a couple of days. And then I completely forgot about it and my hearing date passed and my $35 ticket suddenly jumped to $65 and my opportunity to fight it disappeared. (In my defense there was only 2 weeks to deal with the ticket from the day it was written, and because of the holidays, only about 5 working days. But still...) Once again I need to get my shit together.
At least it is only these minor things that I'm failing at. My job and the kids are still ok. But it still leaves me feeling out of sorts.
I think the problem is a combination of losing our beloved nanny in the fall and having to deal with my mother. We tried replacing the nanny with a housekeeper, but she just didn't work out. And I think am going to have to go back to a nanny. And then there's my mother. I keep having to take time off for her surgeries and doctor's appointments. She calls and demands things. Her caseworkers and doctors call me. She keeps getting moved from one facility to another (because medicare will only pay for each type of facility for a certain number of days). And the last facility was a minimum 45 minute drive from my house (the others I could make part of my commute to or from work). I feel like she is sucking every free moment I have and many of my not-free moments. And I will admit that I am resentful. Because I feel like I was forced into this position. And I know that she would not do the same for me--nor would she have done it for her own parents. She keeps hinting about coming to stay with me, but I have unequivocally told her no.
1/11/12
Shit My Mom Says
Today I had to attend a doctor's appointment with my mother and at the end we had to visit with the surgery coordinator because the doc scheduled a day surgery to clean out her incision that's not healing well. I had to deal with the surgery coordinator a lot when her custom hip implant was so delayed, and the surgery coordinator was really an advocate for her.
So anyway, the surgery coordinator has a picture of her beautiful infant twins sitting on her desk. And my mother decides to pop up and ask, "Is one of your twins black?"
The poor surgery coordinator looked shocked.
And I said, "you cannot ask questions like that."
And the sweet surgery coordinator said, "no, she just has a darker skin tone."
And she said, "do they have the same father?"
And the surgery coordinator just stared and said, "yes."
And so my mother says, "is your husband hispanic?"
And the surgery coordinator said, "no."
And so my mother says, "so is the mailman?"
And I said sharply, "Mother, you are not old enough or senile enough to be asking such offensive questions."
I guess I managed to shame her, because she apologized to the poor girl, who was very nice about it all, but I can't imagine what she was thinking.
Seriously, WTF is wrong with her? She's not senile, she's not on any drugs that seem to otherwise impair her judgment, she's only 61--so she grew up in the 60's and should be fully aware that interrogating anybody about their ethnicity or the origin of their children is inappropriate.
Supposedly she only has two more weeks here and then she goes back home. Please god, let it be true. She keeps joking about coming to stay with me and I flat out told her absolutely no way.
So anyway, the surgery coordinator has a picture of her beautiful infant twins sitting on her desk. And my mother decides to pop up and ask, "Is one of your twins black?"
The poor surgery coordinator looked shocked.
And I said, "you cannot ask questions like that."
And the sweet surgery coordinator said, "no, she just has a darker skin tone."
And she said, "do they have the same father?"
And the surgery coordinator just stared and said, "yes."
And so my mother says, "is your husband hispanic?"
And the surgery coordinator said, "no."
And so my mother says, "so is the mailman?"
And I said sharply, "Mother, you are not old enough or senile enough to be asking such offensive questions."
I guess I managed to shame her, because she apologized to the poor girl, who was very nice about it all, but I can't imagine what she was thinking.
Seriously, WTF is wrong with her? She's not senile, she's not on any drugs that seem to otherwise impair her judgment, she's only 61--so she grew up in the 60's and should be fully aware that interrogating anybody about their ethnicity or the origin of their children is inappropriate.
Supposedly she only has two more weeks here and then she goes back home. Please god, let it be true. She keeps joking about coming to stay with me and I flat out told her absolutely no way.
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