How to Disappear Completely

Can you guess Luthor's amazing scheme?

Ummmm...to get really hammered?

Oh well now how was I supposed to guess that?!

Also: hey kids! Wanna be invisible?! Just sink a cup of mouthwash, orange juice and a couple of aspirins and then stick radio parts in your shoes! Science!

How many kids died trying this?

Panels are taken from Action Comics #286.

Who exactly are Humpty Dumpty's enemies? Walls?

Ugh. Stupid boring real life is really eating up all my time lately. I have a huge stack of comics from this week that I won't be able to read for days. AND a new issue of Comic Foundry! Yay!

School is over forever in about six weeks. My band is in Atlanta tonight playing a show with the Black Lips, and I am home writing marketing case study reports. Sigh.

It's times like this that I need a hit of comic book craziness. Because only comic books can deliver complete fantastic nonsense like this:

You're not going to see that scenario anywhere else! Certainly not in these marketing textbooks!

Supergirl Week: To be Continued...

Alright, so I picked kind of a busy week to attempt a theme week on this blog. But I have much more to say about Supergirl. So I promise another Supergirl Week sometime soon. Because I didn't even get into anything past the Silver Age, or her team-ups, or any of the other awesome adventures the last daughter of Krypton has had. And that's a shame, because look!:

Remember to vote today, Canada. And if you want to vote against Harper, that's cool with me.

Supergirl How-To Guide #1

How to assist a child in getting adopted:

1. Assess situation and develop plan.

2. Call upon slave robot clone to take your place while you implement plan.

3. Use superpowers to fool potential parent(s) into believing child is worth their time and money.

4. Repeat until goal is achieved.

5. Return slave robot clone to hollow tree until next time.


Supergirl treats that robot as badly as Superman treats Supergirl. That robot probably has a rock or something inside that tree that it likes to boss around.

Supergirl Plays Cupid

Here's a little story about a time where Supergirl gets tired of living in an orphanage and resorts to drastic measures in hopes that she can get the hell out of there. It's from Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane #14 (1960).

Oh, calm down Lois. It's Superman. What's he going to do? Take all those waterskiiers back to his tour bus after the show?

How often does Supergirl spy on Lois?

Aaahh!! Those eyes! They will haunt me forever!

So this is how desperate and crazy poor Supergirl has gotten. And here's her plan:

Alright! Way to beat Superman at his own game! This is the sort of crap he would normally be pulling on Lois, because Superman loves nothing more than making Lois think she's crazy. Here's my favourite one:

Ahahahaha! A coffee pot! Nice one, Supergirl!

Also..."Severe Kitchen Ware."

So Superman decides that he might possibly be in love with Lois. Which I never thought was the issue. I thought he just didn't want to put her in danger so he never acted on his feelings. Right?

Well, anyway:

"Perry said I could borrow his pleasure schooner any time I want."

I'll bet he did.

Good lord! Look at the size of Perry's pleasure schooner! How much does the editor of the Daily Planet make?!

Back to the date...
Those are some unorthodox cooking classes they are teaching at the Midvale Orphanage.

Holy crap, Lois! Do you want to date Superman or not? Because sometimes Superman has to go save lives, alright?

And now it's time for Supergirl to make some romance happen:

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

What?! No! Ok, look Superman. It's one thing to suddenly decide not to propose to a lady, but you should NOT tell her that you were just about to propose but decided not to because she fell in the water. That's just cold. As is flying away suddenly, leaving Lois alone on a boat.

Superman feels kinda bad the next day, and decides to go apologize:

What?! That TRAMP!

"Love, Batman." I just melted. I know it's not really him writing that card, but still...

I have to say, this is bold for Supergirl. Especially since she hasn't actually met Batman yet. At least not that we've seen.

No! If anyone is going to be his Bat-Queen it's going to be me!!!

Ohhhhh dear. Now you've done it, Supergirl.

Oh, you Super-heel!

Well, it turns out that Superman was playing along the whole time:

"I'll never interfere with Cousin Superman's romantic life again!"

Well, at least not until your next appearance, when Superman makes you pretend to be his fiance. And it is just as creepy as it sounds. But I already talked about that story way back here.

The Supergirl From Krypton Meets Her Asshole Cousin!

I think the logical starting point for Supergirl Week is with her first appearance in Action Comics #252. I think Superman's initial treatment of Supergirl is one of the greatest (fictional) injustices of all time. Let's have a look:

Superman is just about to smash the missile to bits until he realizes that there's a person inside:

Ok, Superman in that third panel? Amazing. He goes from being totally shocked in the previous panel to being completely calm and thoughtful. And skeptical.

"I'm from Krypton!"
"Nope."

Man, Supergirl is just so cute in that last panel. Seriously. And I love Superman's off-panel babbling.

Supergirl cheerfully proceeds to tell the tragic tale of her family's short-lived escape from Krypton. And when she's done, Superman is shocked to learn something else:

How quickly he pulls his hand away.

So this is pretty great, right? Superman, who has been alone on this Earth for so long with no family and believing he is the last of his race learns he has a cousin! And she's here!

Yay! This will be perfect! She can live with Superman and they can bond and he'll help her adjust to life on Earth after the tragic and sudden loss of her family and equally-traumatizing solitary voyage through space!

Right?

"Yeaaaahhhhh...about that...see, I have a really small apartment, and y'know...I'm pretty busy. I can't really take care of a kid right now...I've got a lot on my plate...and the place is a mess, really..."

But don't worry! Superman has a "great idea" for her life on Earth! It's not like he's a douche or anything...

WHAT?! That is not a "great idea," Superman. That is actually the worst idea.

SERIOUSLY?! An ORPHANAGE?! After all she's been through?! What do you credit your heroism to, Superman? I'll tell you: your loving parents who adopted you when you crashed to Earth. So why do you think this is ok?

Superman gets some clothes to make his cousin less hot. He feels much better now.

Hey, you know what a good Earth girl name is? Kara.

Let's see what name she picks:

DC doesn't think much of its readers. They remind us that Linda Lee is Supergirl in the very next panel.

I also want to comment on Superman's story: wouldn't the guy at the orphanage want more information about that "big disaster that wiped out her whole community"? Wouldn't something like that have made the news?

Poor, poor Supergirl. She probably thinks this is how it goes on Earth. "Sure thing, Superman. Even though I am just as powerful as you, I will live in this godforsaken orphanage and remain unseen until you need me. Just let me know! I'll be right here...wearing this wig...alone..."

Her first Super Job? Cleaning her room!!!

Man that sucks.

No, Supergirl. No. You can't use your x-ray vision for spying on other kids. Also: you are disobeying Superman, actually, and I approve.

Proud of your cousin, eh? Maybe you should read some Superboy comics. He isn't the greatest friend in the world. You should talk to a guy named Mon-El.

Oh, Supergirl. Just you wait! I got two words for you: Flying Cat!

Lois Lane: Girl Chef

If there is one thing I love as much as comic books, it's food. Logically, I then also love this classic story from Lois Lane #1.

It begins when Lois overhears some sound advice on how to get a man to propose to you. Naturally, this interests her due to her unhealthy obsession with Superman. Check out the Daily Planet's love advice columnist:

You know that dude is getting it regular.

So Lois is thinking about making Superman a home-cooked meal. But then she's like "But why stop there when I can do something totally insane?!"

Perry White is so drunk in that panel.

Right, so Lois gets a job as a chef, and also gets a week off her job as a reporter (besides that gripping article she's expected to turn in about her life as a short-order cook).

The bait is set...let's see if Superman bites...

"Doo-de-doo...flying around and...WHA?! Steak?! Whoosh!"

Oh, Lois. That is not how you cook a steak. Salamander ovens are for nachos and other things that need melting. You are being crazy.

So everything seems to be coming up Lois, until...

Oh no! Superman's heat vision has ruined what would have been a perfectly mediocre steak!

So I guess Lois is putting in 12-hour days at the diner.

Oh how I wish there was a pancake that made you a Man of Steel rather than a Man of Tummy Aches.

So Lois's false promises about the pancakes draw in a pretty big crowd. So big that she can't handle it and has to take on an adorable sous chef:

Superman works hard. So hard, in fact, that when he is done there is no pancake batter left for him!
Lois once again resorts to false advertising, and then goes about making a big-ass sundae. Which, I'm just going to say this, has really nothing to do with cooking.

Giant sundae...seems foolproof right? WRONG! Look at how horribly and absurdly wrong this goes:
Ok, before I even get into Superman's crazy plan to stop an icicle from falling, let's talk about those ice cream flavours: Red, Yellow and Blueberry. Red and Yellow are not flavours.

And Superman...it just seems like you easily could have flown there and caught that icicle in the time it took you to warm up that plate using superfriction, and throw it across the city. That implies that objects you throw move faster than you can, and I just don't buy that.

Also, your solution just means that all of those people are going to get wet.

Superman has a complicated solution to every problem:

Clark Kent shows up at the diner the next day, but Lois is unimpressed. Jimmy has to stand while he eats:
Ok, are you ready for the reason why Superman needs to return to the diner? It isn't because he wants Lois to see him enjoying her food. That would be far too kind. It's because of this:

WHAT?! Wouldn't Clark Kent's fingerprints be on lots of things that Lois has access too? Like, things around the office? So here's Superman's crazy solution to a simple problem:

Would she notice, Superman? Would she? What about super speed? Can't you fly to the moon and back without people noticing?

This story does have a pretty adorable ending though:

Superman's little wink at the reader "I said 'I love you' because she helped a man in the hospital, not because I actually love her. That would be gross!"