Send The Marines

Vatican Rag

I think this is funnier if you have actually spent some time in the Catholic church. Which, you may remember, I did. I went to a Catholic girls' boarding school after my father died, and then when Mama remarried and we moved to Puerto Rico, the Catholic school was the only one where classes were taught in English.

Except arithmetic and geography. Since that was the year we did multiplication tables, that gave me a brief hitch in my math. On paper it was no problem, Spanish numerals and English numerals look the same. But, if someone asked me a multiplication problem and I had to answer verbally, I had to translate the English number to Spanish, work the problem, then translate the answer to English. Slowed me down considerably. I don't recall there being any problem with geography because of it -- perhaps we did Puerto Rican geography that year, and I've not needed it in any of the other places I've ever lived.

And then, decades later, I was the resident secular humanist working for Catholic Community Service for 12 years. That worked out pretty well -- the courts would assign parents to take my parenting class and sometimes the person would object because she/he wasn't Catholic, and the judge would respond, "The instructor is an atheist. I doubt she will try to convert you."

Anyway, here it is Sunday, and here is a post that touches, however lightly, on religion.

Poisoning Pigeons In The Park

National Brotherhood Week

Having published a long post with a lot of serious food for thought yesterday, and being mid-work on a couple of subjects I want to talk about, I thought I'd give you a light hearted Tom Lerhrer YouTube to enjoy today.

Pollution

Who would think that after all this time, the problem would still be with us? And yet, it is. Some gifts just keep on giving.

ly

Again, from The Electric Company, vintage Tom Lehrer.

Silent E

The Elves', Gnomes', Leprechauns', and Little Men's Chowder and Marching Society discovered Tom Lehrer our last year in high school. At that time, he was a mathematics instructor at Harvard, putting out these wonderfully funny albums every once in a while. How very adult we felt, listening to his wicked take on the world while our contemporaries reveled in Elvis.

What a delight it was to me, years later, to turn the TV on to The Electric Company, and hear Tom Lehrer teaching the kids about reading. For those of you who never saw that aspect of him, or who saw it and would like to review it, here is Silent E.

Darling Clementine

One Saturday when I was in college, my roommate Gail Jennings and I took the bus from Berkeley to San Francisco and then walked across the Golden Gate Bridge to Sausalito. The wind was howling away and we were having a great time. We sang this song, particularly getting into the verse that goes:

Clementine, can't you tell from the howls of me
This love of mine comes to you from the bowels of me.

New Math

My sister Colleen had New Math and she was confused her entire life. I took a class in grad school on how to teach it, and there were students in the class who had been teaching it for five years and from their questions it was obvious why the kids were so confused. Teachers who don't understand something have no ability to teach it.

The Elements & Moms*

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world
and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between Moms & Dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

* Because there is nothing more elemental than a Mom. Thanks, Harold.