Finally a happy cat, she has me all to herself again.
I never told anyone the full reason I left home when I was younger. It wasn’t just a pleasant cross country motorcycle ride touring church history sites. It wasn’t even escaping mother who wanted to control me. That came later. I did know she didn’t take kindly to my investigating other religions and as I had a Mormon coworker who sparked my interest in investigating the church, I planned to wait until I left home. But…
My sister became ill. My mother knew of my coworker, his faith and that Mormons were good people. She was exasperated with the doctors and thought they could give guidance. So I accepted his invitation to go to church. I enjoyed it, didn’t recognized names and was told they were people from the Book of Mormon. One gave me a book and I took it home to read. I knew it was true even before hitting my pillow and greeted my coworker the next day. I said, “This book is true. I want to know more.” He arranged a meeting with the missionaries where I could just ask questions and gave me an index with topics. I came. I asked. I knew it was true but I had to take the discussions to learn about the faith first. One does not join in ignorance. That’s when it got interesting.
Mother asked me to take Debbie with me. We didn’t go to many when she came totally unglued and I had to sneak out to finish them. I couldn’t go out on Sunday at all cause Debbie would surmise I had gone to church and get furious. So I spent a weekend visiting a friend in the neighboring state but came back Sunday afternoon, hair slightly damp. I didn’t just attend church. Naturally, she came unglued. So I made my escape when they were off having a day in the city, museum or something. They did do that. I was safely out of state when they returned. Debbie wondered why I didn’t leave a message, maybe something coded in music I listened to. She wouldn’t have liked to know the real reason I left. Freedom of religion trumps staying with controlling people.
Now to this visit which did not go well. The years didn’t exactly soften hearts.
Previous visits had gone well so I had high hopes for this one. My sis finally visited, three year absence, one week after I had…
Wait for it…
Back surgery. It has been two months without blogging, two months of hard work. She insisted on having a clean room and bathroom. I did most of the work before the surgery. Still, there was a lot to do after like move into the back bedroom and get it habitable. Clean the kitchen which task I failed along with moving the stuff I had brought in from the garage to sort back out in the garage as I didn’t get it done. There were still piles and boxes of stuff that were Jill’s as there wasn’t space in her storage unit after she moved out. I was on a weight and activity restriction which was limiting.
She had stipulated at the outset her plans to stay with me were contingent on our getting along which after years of promising to help me, consisted in meeting her demands. It wasn’t just stuff but she ticked off numerous home remodeling projects which I hadn’t done before she came and will have to pay for myself. None was attempted either, not even opening a can of paint. She paid for the car rental so figured we were even on my covering everything else. I could not afford to do this 7 months of the year plus remodel the home. Needless to say I was disappointed. I understood her finances but had issues with her demands. She had planned to drive her car next trip saving on rental. Still, staying at someone’s home for over half a year and expecting them to meet your every demand is a bit much. More later.
Her first observation was her space was clean and nice, rest a mess and I was not helpless. She took over the kitchen and was after me to clean rather like a drill sergeant in the Army. She wore me out. When I did lay down on the sofa to watch TV, I was so tired I fell asleep. She had to check if I was still breathing. I was but breathing was very shallow. She tried waking me, yelling, fanning and the next day after she told me it didn’t work, gentle shaking. That didn’t work either. I had to explain hypopnea, not getting enough oxygen to the brain, without which I don’t respond. I also get depressed. More CPAP time helps and I even brought it into the living room so I would get enough oxygen.
She noticed I was having difficulties and demanded to know what meds I was on. I went to my doctors, had lots of labs done and they concluded she was stressing me out. And she in turn was overwhelmed by my medical appointments. I was also concerned as I got a large lump at incision site and continued to have pain, and worried my back surgery got messed up. That got checked too.
It gets better.
I tried to make the visit pleasant, nice dinners out or ordered in, kept her happy with lots of ice cream, gifted her with clothes, toured antiques shops, found TV shows she enjoyed so I thought. Due to medical appointments and excruciating pain I was not able to tour the state. One was close to weekend she wanted to go to Lake Havasu. When I told her, she came unglued.
Preview of coming attractions.
She did buy me a dishwasher and new microwave which I very much appreciated. Mine were 24 years old and didn’t work any more. The install didn’t go as planned. First installer refused, said pipes were corroded. Wonderful plumber neighbor, Lyle, checked them out. They were fine. On the day they were to come, Debbie wanted the counter cleaned off in case they needed to use it. So as I was cleaned it off, she kept hounding me to clean it off when I finally said to stop bitching at me. I was cleaning it off.
I was careful to not touch her recycling aside from mentioning they just need to be rinsed off, not scrubbed clean, water conservation in the desert. She scrubbed them anyway. I woke May 1 smelling something burning. I had explained no burn days to her to no avail. I came outside to find her burning the recycling on a no burn day, said she can’t burn and she said she was from Canada and didn’t know any better. I replied that as the property owner I will get cited anyway. She put out the fire.
Nicest thing she did was pay for and help shovel gravel in the front patio, bought and planted pretty plants. My neighbor, Greg, buried the pipe and did a lot of the work. She was pleasantly surprised how inexpensive it was too.
She surprised me by coming to church with me which she never did on previous visits not just once but every week. I thought things were improving as I had previously shared my testimony with her. And she had had stated she enjoyed the meetings, could see how we were nice people, acted on our beliefs. But then wonderful friends, the Coles, invited us over for games. The missionaries were there. We had a lovely chat. I even got to say how I felt. Games after were fun. But the next day she was angrily working on my recycling expressing she was upset I didn’t warn her they would be there. Her demeanor was as her children called it “angry psych nurse.” That was until the missionaries called. She exploded. She was furious.
So I was surprised she agreed to future game nights with missionaries there. But each time she gave me a stern talking to after accompanied with hours of icy cold demeanor. Eventually no missionaries but one Family Home Evening, brief video before games. That didn’t go over well either. Last visit was just games. I finally asked her why she came with me to church. She said to support me. I had been going over 40 years without any and didn’t need any. She stopped coming.
She did throw herself into removing my name from mail, carefully cutting out all instances of my name and when she tackled the boxes in the garage, she went through each magazine clipping for stuff she wanted. Stuff was so old all I wanted was the file folders, addresses so out of date they could just get chucked. I did mention one magazine she saved I had on my iPad. She didn’t have to and I would remind her it was hot and come in for some ice cream. She didn’t have to but maybe it was a way to get her anger out. She definitely was.
Friday she surprised me with a blistering attack on me. She demanded to know if she was coming back. I have given tons of stuff away including to charity that helps settle refugees but that didn’t make any difference. She said I was overwhelmed with it. She said I don’t care about anyone but myself. She said she talked to others who feel the same. I burn people out. She pointed out how one friend came down on me hard for my stuff. Friend was teasing, even mentioned her husband kept lots of papers. There was more but not detailing everything. Sticking the knife in, she equated me with the most self centered, vile, nasty individual I know of. Being disabled and a vet, mocking us didn’t go over well. I really wasn’t happy about that, felt terribly hurt actually. That is not how we should treat others.
Saturday she clarified. I was only like him in that one thing, being self centered, not caring about others. Oh that made me feel so much better – not!
And as she stated after all we did, the only thing she enjoyed was walking her dog, I declined going to the dog park with her. They don’t need me.
This was from a visit earlier in the week. Izzy was sniffing the miniature grayhound, beautiful, silky soft and friendly dog.
That evening after I returned from my meeting, she said I was like Dorothy, my mother, and needed to let it go. I wasn’t harboring hurt from years past, this was fresh after opening my home to her. It did get me to reflecting.
I didn’t say any more this morning before leaving for church, just thanked her for the nice things she did for me.
She hadn’t left when I returned from church so I scooped up the key as she wouldn’t be needing it. She won’t be coming back except to pick up her stuff whenever. She can call first.
