Open for business

What in the world is the Obama discount on the stock market?

Are investor concerns about an Obama presidency influencing the stock market? And by "concerns" I mean "existential panic." And by "Obama presidency" I mean "a tax-hiking and regulatory reign of terror." And by "influencing" I mean "eviscerating." At least that's the overwrought take I get from a few of my more skittish E-mailers.

Here's my thinking: I was supposed to get a minimum distribution on my 401(k)on Nov 15. However, I was pretty sure the market would tank if Obama were elected president, which appeared very likely. I didn't want to wait until after the election; that would be too late. So, the Friday before the market started to slide gracefully downhill like an Olympic skier, I called the company and asked them to send me the money now--I mean then, of course.

Well, the very next Monday the market started to plummet and has since continued the good work, so I have discovered that I have financial acumen which has hitherto been latent. I was as surprised as anyone to learn that I know as much about the market as anybody else, including Alan Greenspan (who confessed himself puzzled at the way things have gone.)

So, exhibiting the old pioneer spirit which led my ancestors as far west as Columbus, OH, I have decided to set myself up in business as a financial adviser. I am dedicating a corner of my office--the one formerly occupied by the mop and the broom--to my new business. Hours: noon to four, Monday through Friday.

Perhaps I will start a new website called "Miriam pix stox," to be consulted by my devotees when they are in need of some savvy advice. Or you can e-mail me.

Under the heading of old business....

I have some stuff to clear up:

I caused the stock market to tank. Yes, I am guilty. Last Friday I ordered my IRA to sell some shares. You saw what happened Monday? I am deeply sorry.

The pro-abortion cheerleaders act like getting an abortion is a fun thing, like getting a really nifty hairdo or taking a vacation in Bermuda. It isn't. It's a surgical procedure, not a cause for celebration, whatever you are, pro-choice or pro-life.

The Wall Street Journal quotes a a couple of supposedly representative Christians:

When I got home from church I... called my Jesuit friend, who I know hates these people, too. I asked, "Don't you think God finds these smug egomaniacs morally repellent? Recoils from their smugness as from hot flame?"

And he said, "Absolutely. They are everything He or She hates in a Christian."

I thought Christians were supposed to love their enemies, or their neighbors? Apparently not. I guess Jesus was just kidding around when he said, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." I suppose the quaint idea I picked up, that to a believing Christian, every one of us is a child of God with an immortal soul, was not applicable to Republicans. I'm not a Christian, so how could I know? I thought Christians were like the Rev Martin Luther King. You know, saintly.

I hope these tolerant believers don't extend their contempt to us Jews--oh wait, they already have. Only they call us "Zionists."

By the way, I just posted a new feature, called "Followers," on my blog. Humiliatingly, I have 0 followers so far. So if you want to follow my blog, sign up. If no-one signs up, I will remove the gadget.