Getting Used To Missing Her

It's been a sucky 24 hours. I miss my cat so damn much it isn't funny. I honestly had no idea how integral she was in my life - how much a part of everything she was. My eyes keep playing tricks and I will see her here and there - but then my eyes will focus and it will either be nothing or one of the three remaining cats. Three. A year ago at this time we had five which yes, I know seems like a lot but it really wasn't. Even at night when all five cats were in the same room it didn't seem like a lot. It was just our life. Last night it was just three (plus the dogs) and it felt so wrong. So many pieces missing.

Everything I did this morning as I went about my routine made it painfully obvious that Taz is gone. No Tazzy waiting on the bed for me when I went to take my shower. No Taz greeting me as I came out of the bathroom. No Taz following me from room to room as I went about getting things done. No Taz sleeping on the back of the couch or coming in last night to walk across me as I tried to sleep. No meows heard when the house became too quiet for her (she loved the noise and chaos and if the kids were too quiet for too long she would start calling out and would only settle back down when the noise was back to a level that she liked).

Now don't get me wrong - she had her more than obnoxious qualities: the first of which was she needed noise and activity constantly (after the kids would go to bed she would cry and cry and cry and would take a long time to settle down). She would paw at doors and cabinets to make them bang - usually just because she was bored and usually in the evening or in the night. For years she was a force to be reckoned with at the door - she would always be looking for a way to escape into the big world and sometimes she did. We would have to chase her all over the place to get her safely back inside.

She was so tiny. Compared to other cats she looked like she was about a year old - very small and petite. It was hard to keep weight on her in the winter so she was given lots of treats and extra food. She never weighed more than 8lbs in her entire life and generally hung out around 6 or 7lbs. Her nose was so tiny. But her personality was huge. You knew she was in the house.

She was the only cat who would ever come out if we had company. Most people never believe that we had other cats because they are never anywhere to be seen but Taz was always in the mix. At the very least she would watch the happenings from the safety of the dining room table. Always watching her beloved chaos.

I miss her so much I can barely breathe today which I know might seem weird to some. But let's be honest, pets give us something that you rarely, if ever, get from another human - unconditional love. They just want to be loved and they want to love you back. It's a pure relationship and it hurts like hell to lose it.

Dakota and I are struggling. Kaylen, well - she's 2. She is ok with it but then again, how many times in the past year has she heard about heaven and people/animals going there. It's just reality for her. She did ask several times yesterday when Taz would be coming home. Kelton, on the other hand, we are worried about. He swings back and forth. He was really close to Charlie and after he died, Taz became his buddy. Never before had Taz allowed him to get as close to her and this summer she began letting him carrying her around (not always happy about it but she would let him). She slept in his room (which she always did for at least part of the night) and seemed to watch over him. The two of them became good buddies. Now she is gone. We're worried that he will just begin to feel like it isn't worth getting close to anyone or anything because they will just leave. But then, maybe all the talks about heaven and not having pain, etc. makes him feel safe with their leaving for this mysterious place. I know he talks about everyone being together and how Charlie must be so happy to have Taz with him again. I don't know - all we can do it watch, wait and see.

Grieving sucks and honestly, we've all had enough for right now. We need a break from bad news. We just need some time to be happy and feel safe. Is that really all that much to ask for?

Mommy on the Edge Answers the Comments

Froggymama said...
Oh boy. I hear ya. I think I'm going to be the crazy mom who volunteers her time everyday to ride the bus to and from school! But to try and calm your fears, I was a school bus driver in college and we were soooo careful making sure those little ones were taken care of, and safely arrived at school. I watched each one of them walk into the building -- and the school and our bus company were equally concerned. And everyday the principle of the school stood outside, ushering the kids inside. Are there teachers or staff outside, helping the kids in?

FroggyMama: NO. There is no staff outside at all. There was the first two days but then yesterday and today there wasn't a single adult. Kelton's bus is around the corner and quite a distance from his classroom so there is no one watching these kids at all.

11:44 PM
Perrin said...
Oh...this is hard. In the beginning I didn't think C would ride the bus for the first couple of years but on Day2 she demanded it. From what I can gather, the loading of the buses isn't nearly as organized at it seems it should be yet every day C made it. Today I had a scare as when the bus arrived for drop-off....she wasn't there. Finally the bus driver called her name about 5 times and then she came. She was busy talking and didn't notice it was her stop. I think when the buses arrive at school the kids generally all go in one direction and there are grown-ups around. You have to do what you are comfortable with but I finally I decided I just had to let go and trust that it would be ok. Hard! If C wasn't so insistent on riding the bus I would have been happy to drive her.

Perrin: *sigh* Hard it is. I'm not sure I can let go and trust that he will be ok. I'm just not sure I can do that.I would feel a million times better if there was an adult waiting for the buses to walk the kindergartners to their rooms.

12:42 AM
SassyFemme said...
From a teacher's point of view, he'll let you know when he's ready for you to not be there. IMO, there's nothing wrong with being there every day, or taking him to school every day, as long as he's able to make the transition from you to the classroom. No matter where I've worked it seems like the first week or two of school usually has some bus issues.

SassyFemme: He doesn't have issues breaking away from me. He is only scared of not finding his room and of being lost. Once we're there, he goes right in, checks in, hangs up his stuff, kisses me goodbye and walks away. It's just the getting there that is the issue.

4:43 AM
patti_cake said...
I don't know Casey. I don't WANT to be a helicopter parent but it's so hard.
Actually when I first saw your school pics and saw Kelton was riding the school bus I thought "Whoah, Madison will not be riding the school bus for a few years at least". NOT criticizing or judging you, at all, just the very young age + school bus just wouldn't compute in my mind.
Does Kelton WANT to ride the bus? Would he be upset if you drove him to school? That would probably ease your mind and your driving there anyway....
About the kid across the street. The hell? .... I can barely let my child play at the edge of our secluded cul de sac, no way would she get anywhere NEAR a road. No way. What are the parents thinking?

Patti, I am so not happy about the bus thing but he has been dreaming of his bus riding days since he was just over two. This morning we had settled on my taking him instead of going on the bus but when it was time to leave he said "I want to take the bus!!!" So a mad scramble took place to get him out to the bus stop in time (I was planning to leave a little after the bus would have been by so we had mere minutes to get out the door.). I had really been wanting to take him today but he wants so much to be a big kid.

6:58 AM
SJayneI said...
Hey, I don't blame you. I hate school buses. There really should be another adult on them anyway. Maybe there is where you live, but here in Oklahoma there is only the driver and a bus full of rowdy kids (no seat belts either). I pray that we are still in the situation where I can be home when it comes time for school so I can drive them.

And, yes, there should be someone meeting the buses for 5-year olds!!!

SJayne: AMEN!!

8:29 AM
Kristen said...
Hey I can comment!

What about following his bus, but parking a distance away and just watching him go in? You can see that he makes it in, but not have to physically walk him. That would also let you know that he *can* make it in safely and its organized chaos, not plain chaos.

This coming from the mom of a two year old who will walk to school cuz its across the street, so...

Kristen: That was plan for today but he freaked out and wanted me at the door. So I tried to alter the plan even more and just take him myself but he wanted to ride the bus. Because of the way the school is designed, I can't go somewhere within sight but not too close. I had thought about leaving 15 minutes after the bus picked him up to see if he made it to his class but he nixed that idea. He wanted me there when he got off the bus.

8:40 AM
Jojo said...
I don't know. I'm still of the mind that an adult other than the bus driver should ride on the bus at all times. I still think this is a 2 person job. Josh's school does not have bus service, none the less, parents are not allowed to drop off kinder's. Olders can be dropped at the front door, but Kinders must be taken to pre-care or to the classroom by an adult.

JoJo: A good plan, actually. These kids are five years old. They are only 5 years old. Way too young for a traditional drop off.

Word to the Wise

You might want to skip watching Bridge to Terabithia and If Only if you are already sad, worried, stressed out and basically a basket case. I'm just saying.......

And Dakota...there is a reason I like happy, romantic comedies. Next time *I* pick the movies. :)