The high price of (passing) gas

If flatulence can make it all the way to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Seventh Circuit, then, surely, it can make its way to the local courts in Charleston, West Virginia. (via HotAir)

When police were trying to get fingerprints, police say [Jose] Cruz moved closer to the officer and passed gas on him. The investigating officer remarked in the criminal complaint that the odor was very strong.

Cruz is now charged with battery on a police officer, as well as DUI and obstruction.

The moral of the story seems to be: "Don't pass gas on a police officer who's booking you for DUI."

Take a look of the photo. It doesn't look anything like the baseball player, Jose Cruz, Jr., and I'm positive it wasn't. That is, I'm not endorsing the subversive theory that it was; as Andrew Sullivan would say, I'm just airing it. And it has a strong odor.

Now that that labored joke is finished, my lawyers advise me to repeat that it really wasn't the ballplayer.

If you follow the link to the original news story, you'll find a video. The local TV station interviewed a bunch of locals about flatulence and whether it should be a crime. The key phrase was "law and odor." That's their joke, not mine.

You'll also find a copy of the criminal complaint sworn out against Mr. Cruz. Here is the relevant allegation:

PTLM. PARSONS WAS IN A CHAIR APPROX 4-5 FEET AWAY FROM THE FINGERPRINTING STATION. THE DEFENDANT SCOOTED THE 4 FEET TO PTLM PARSONS, AWAY FROM OFFICER COOK, AND LIFTED HIS LEG AND PASSED GAS LOUDLY ON PTLM. PARSONS. THE DEFENDANT THEN FANNED THE AIR WITH HIS HAND IN FRONT OF HIS REAR ONTO PTLM. PAR[S]ONS[.] THE GAS WAS VERY ODOROUS AND CREATED A CONTACT OF AN INSULTING OR PROVOKING NATURE WITH PTLM. PARSONS.

I'm not authorized to practice law in West Virginia, but I have to wonder whether contact from gas can be a battery without a physical touching. If it could, you would think Cruz could have been charged if he had stayed four feet way when he passed gas, rather than doing so next to the officer. Gas, after all, diffuses throughout its container (here, the room).

I also wonder whether this could be an illegal search and seizure, unless you accept the "plain smell" exception to the search warrant requirement. (Note for any lawyers reading this: It's a joke, son.)

Finally, according to the video I mentioned, local lawyers think this case stinks. That's my joke, not theirs. So we'll just have to see.

Or smell.

Click here to read more . . .

From the Pillage Idiot "Spam Period"

In Peter Schickele's hilarious biography of P.D.Q. Bach, the author divides the composer's work into three periods -- the "Initial Plunge," the "Soused Period," and "Contrition."

I thought it was the least I could do to create a period for myself called the "Spam Period," the roughly 48-hour period when Pillage Idiot was shut down by Blogger as a potential spam blog. I'm going to post some junk I was unable to post during that period. And I'd like to make it clear that I have not yet reached "contrition," if I ever do.

Kool-Aid party over at Rabbi Jack Moline's place

I'm relieved to see that nothing, nothing can shake the Jews out of their politika mi-sinai (my bastardized Hebrew approximately meaning "politics given at Mount Sinai"). According to the Washington Jewish Week, Northern Virginia Jews are mobilizing to support Obama. Isn't that special?

Rabbi Moline is actually a pretty sensible guy in general (but see), so it's even worse for him to be trying to sell undecided Jews like this:

Moline assured his listeners that Obama's record on Israel is "stellar," and that there is "nothing in the senator's record to indicate that he would make any other concessions than the current president" would make.

Questions about Obama's support for Israel are a cover, Moline said, for underlying prejudice.

"We have to own up to the prejudice in our own community. There are plenty of people who say they're ambivalent about him because he's black, he has a middle name that sounds like the deposed president of Iraq, that he's the son of a single mother," Moline told the gathering. "Those prejudices in our community generally don't get spoken. They get expressed in questions about Israel."

I guess Rabbi Moline thinks Jews can't legitimately be concerned about Obama's associations with folks like Rashid Khalidi or his 20-year association with Jeremiah Wright, whom he disowned for calculating political reasons, or his association with William Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn, two domestic terrorists, whom he's never disowned, or an ever-emerging cast of characters. No, it's got to be prejudice, because what right-thinking Jewish person could not want to place hope in someone like him? Did the Children of Israel doubt Moses himself? And when the Torah said (Deut. 34:10), v'lo kam navi od b'yisrael k'moshe, could it possibly have meant to exclude Obama?

In all seriousness, I'm sure that when Obama says he supports Israel, he's as sincere as he is about anything. But really, why should Jews who are concerned about Israel not have the right to doubt a guy who wants to scale back American power? Without American power, Israel is doomed, no matter what nice things a political candidate says.

But it sure is easy to dismiss the concerns that some Jews have about him as purely based on prejudice. Thanks a bunch, Rabbi Moline.

Economics 101 -- tax policy

I thought everyone knew that when you cut taxes your revenue dropped and vice versa, so that when you doubled taxes, your revenue would double. It's called "static revenue analysis."

Apparently not.

The Washington Post reports: "Cigarette sales have dropped by nearly 25 percent in Maryland since the state's tobacco tax doubled in January, as sticker shock apparently has curtailed some residents' smoking and sent others across the border for better deals."

And of course, the folks who think government exists to change human behavior often have a totalitarian mentality -- when people react rationally to your policies, you try to squash them:

Maryland law seeks to limit out-of-state cigarette purchases. It is illegal for Maryland residents to be in possession of more than two packs of cigarettes lacking stamps showing that taxes were paid in the state.

We're not crashing into people's homes to see if they've purchased a pack or two more than they should out of the state, but we have a very aggressive effort concentrated on larger smugglers," said Joseph Shapiro, a spokesman for the Maryland Comptroller's Office.

So this is the way it works: Try to increase revenue by raising cigarette taxes. People reduce smoking or shop elsewhere. Tax revenues go down. So you call these smokers smugglers and threaten prosecution. Brilliant.

Miscellaneous

Pillage Idiot appears 4,000 years ago in Sumer: "Flatulence joke is world's oldest"

Say what you want about the President, but he's a really decent guy: The Party Crasher

Click here to read more . . .

Tuesday evening linkfest

Here are a few links I've been collecting:

1. You know you're having a bad day at the gym when the exercise machine shoots you out like a slingshot.

2. I had a visitor looking for information about flatulence in Beethoven's Second Symphony. (It's not as strange as it sounds; listen to the fourth movement.) So I followed his search link and discovered that it's really the choral movement of the Ninth that's flatulent. So says an op-ed in the NY Times from last December. I'm serious. Check it out.

3. In light of that, scientists have strapped plastic bags to Beethoven's back to measure the effect of his flatulence on global warming. Sorry, it's Argentinian cows who have to suffer this indignity. Photo at link. (Hat tip: fee simple)

4. The headline says it all: "Gummy Bears That Fight Plaque" (via HotAir)

5. The Snickers ad: How to be retro and edgy at the same time.

6. As a follow-up to my post from last September on the same subject and the same "scientist," I'm giving you this article on "breast biomechanics." (via Ace)

7. The Maryland Death Penalty Abolition Dog And Pony Show (MDPADAPS) is now underway. I'm on the edge of my seat wondering what the commission's conclusion will be.

8. Soccer Dad deals with Obamoid stupidity so you don't have to. Or is "stupidity" the new "uppity"?

9. If the carnivores can do it, so can the vegetarians. A veggie "hot dog" eating contest, I mean. Except for the fact that Tofurky sucks major eggs. And don't neglect to click to read the waiver required of participants. (On The Red Line)

10. Mark Newgent takes on more left-wing economic idiocy. (See here for my own post from last week.)

11. Mightily pissed off (and more dubious language) because an editor removed the indefinite article formerly the penultimate word in his column. (via Three Sources)

Click here to read more . . .

Visitor of the day -- 5/21

I thought the man wrote only nine symphonies. As my grandmother used to say, "This I never heard of."

Click here to read more . . .

Visitor of the day -- 5/9

Yes, it happens to the best of us when we get older, and to some of us sooner than others, if you catch my, er, drift.

Click here to read more . . .

Visitor of the day -- 4/8

Wow! That's some really vintage fragrance, there. Ours doesn't last more than five minutes or so.

Bonus: Get a load of the out click. That's where I refer my flatulent readers.

Click here to read more . . .

Visitor of the day -- 3/3

Now I can see what our next generation of underqualified presidential candidates from brand-name universities is up to: scientific research. Would you like some, er, froth on your espresso?

Click here to read more . . .

The expert

Suppose someone googled you and the only thing of any consequence that came up under your name was a "science" question you'd posed -- about flatulence. Would you change your name?

Not if it was "Nayna Kumari," I wouldn't. Because that's a pretty cool name, and besides, I'd like to be considered something of an expert on flatulence.

The reason I ask is related to this: "How and why does the human body produce wind? What causes the odor of gas? asks Nayna Kumari, via e-mail." That's the opening of an article that goes on to analyze the flatulence situation, in a largely serious vein, except, perhaps, for its comment that people tend to blame the dog. However accurate that may be.

Earnestly, the article quotes a gastroenterologist, whom it identifies as an expert: "Dr. Michael Levitt, a gastroenterologist and flatulence expert in Minneapolis." Dr. Levitt is the kind of guy, after all, who's widely recognized as a flatulence expert, as in the following randomly selected article, which, by the way, I commend to your attention: "Flatulence expert defines 'normal' output rate."

Wouldn't you just love to be known as a flatulence expert? I'm sure Nayna Kumari would.

Click here to read more . . .

Super Tuesday linkfest

It's Super Tuesday today. So if you've come here to get informed political commentary, you'd better find another site right away.

But if you want a few interesting political links, try these:

1. Sean Hannity gets Frank Luntz to ask his focus group of Obama fans to name one specific accomplishment of Barack Obama. As the Fark line goes, hilarity ensues. Watch the video here. I swear one guy says Obama's a "great oratator."

2. In all the numerous bills of particulars that conservatives are posting against John McCain, the one I haven't seen yet is that, in the days when Cindy Sheehan was a big deal in the media, McCain met with her as if she were a respectable person. I did a photo comic at the time, which I think caught the essence of the encounter: "Cindy and John: He said, she said."

3. A Weekly Standard review (subscribers only) of a couple of books about the United States from Spain is illustrated with a photo of protesters in Madrid in 2001 when Bush visited the city. Sadly, it's not in the web version of the review. Take a look at the photo. Notice what the signs at the lower left and in the middle say? I'm famous. Sort of.



4. This amusing story of voting in the Republican primary in Brooklyn has the ring of truth to it.

**********************************

OK, that concludes the political part of the linkfest. On to other topics. First, sports.

5. You may have heard that the Super Bowl was played on Sunday. But have you heard of the Puppy Bowl? (hat tip: Mrs. Attila)

6. I know that more people read this site than Instapundit, Ace of Spades HQ, and Best of the Web Today combined, so I doubt you'll have seen this one before. First they came for dodgeball and I said nothing. Then they came for Intentional Flatulence, which by all rights should be an Olympic sport. This is nuts: If you force them to hold it in, they'll explode. (hat tip: Soccer Dad, but don't mention that to his kids) [UPDATE 2/6: Story is an exaggeration, apparently taken from a gag sheet prepared by eighth-grade girls. The true school newsletter says: "I just want to make sure parents know this actually is not an official ban or new school rule. Some eighth grade teachers did tell eighth graders that if they continue to disrupt class by intentionally farting, they will get a detention. There is truth to that. Intentional flatulence can be a disruption to class, and we already have rules addressing disruptive behavior." Is that clear?]

And now, other bodily functions.

7. Remote control to undo vasectomy? Surely, you jest:

A man would then use the handset, or fob, to open it around the time of having sex if he and his partner wanted to conceive.

Once the handset is pressed, it sends a coded radio signal through the skin to the implant, which contains a tiny antenna. The antenna picks up the signal and converts it into sound waves that "ripple" through the valve.

Since the valve itself is soft and flexible, the sound waves make it flap open - allowing sperm to pass through. As with cars, each device would have its own unique code so it could not be opened by anyone else.

"It's based on a radio signal, like the device on your key ring, which is coded so that you cannot open someone else's car," Professor Abbott says.

This was a "Dude" headline at HotAir. With good reason.

8. Today's headline of the day (via Fark): "Booze bra gives women a wine rack."

9. Leave it to the Brits: "THE minefield of lingerie shopping for lovers can be avoided this Valentine's Day with a new website which lets you visit a virtual dressing room and ask models to try on underwear." Nearly as good as the Tower of Boobel I wrote about two years ago.

Click here to read more . . .

Mr. Methane video

You know you've raised your children well when one of them sends you a link to this video, which rates CODE RED on the Pillage Idiot Advisory System (i.e., Infantile). Consider that your immaturity warning, and if you still choose to blast this over your cubicle wall, then don't blame me.

Apparently, the key is talcum powder on the derriere. The purple and green outfit seems to have something to do with it, too. And the subtitles are clearly necessary, as well. At least, they are for me.

(By the way, posts like this are what happens when I use up my monthly quota of serious stuff too early.)

Click here to read more . . .

Visitor of the day -- 1/17

This visit is not even funny, because you just knew that the search would somehow end up here.

Click here to read more . . .

The progress of science and useful arts

If your nostrils are not free and clear, you basically have two choices. The first is what we might call the low-tech method: tissue for the (sort-of) liquid stuff and manual removal for the solid stuff. The second choice, through the indispensable InventorSpot, is more high-tech: a mucus-removing gun. (This invention fully warrants the "Dude" headline given to it at HotAir.)

Not to be outdone, HotAir commenter and occasional Pillage Idiot commenter "veeshir" offers this patent application: a "Toy gas fired missile and launcher assembly." You might not realize unless you click the link, or unless I tell you, that the gas it fires is man-made, if you catch my drift. "To operate the assembly, the operator places the inlet tube with its valve open adjacent his anal region from which a colonic gas is discharged." Dude.

Click here to read more . . .

The medical problems of evil

First, we hear that Karl Marx's skin condition may have "influenced" his writings. (via HotAir)

"In addition to reducing his ability to work, which contributed to his depressing poverty, hidradenitis greatly reduced his self-esteem," said Shuster, who published his findings in the British Journal of Dermatology.

"This explains his self-loathing and alienation, a response reflected by the alienation Marx developed in his writing."

Yeah, that's the ticket. Self-loathing and alienation caused by his medical problems. He didn't really believe any of that stuff about the owning the means of production and the exploitation of labor.

Next, we hear that Hitler had a major problem with flatulence. (via Fark)

It may sound like a Woody Allen scenario, but medical historians are unanimous that Adolf was the victim of uncontrollable flatulence. Spasmodic stomach cramps, constipation and diarrhea, possibly the result of nervous tension, had been Hitler’s curse since childhood and only grew more severe as he aged. As a stressed-out dictator, the agonizing digestive attacks would occur after most meals: Albert Speer recalled that the Führer, ashen-faced, would leap up from the dinner table and disappear to his room.

This was an embarrassing problem for a ruthless leader of the Third Reich. With uncharacteristic concern for his fellow human beings, Hitler had first tried to cure himself when he was a rising politician in 1929 by poring over medical manuals, coming to the conclusion that a largely veg diet would calm his turbulent digestion as well as make his farts less offensive to the nose.

At least, the article doesn't claim Hitler devised the Endlösung as a result of that condition. And as much of a fan of flatulence humor as I am, I strongly object to anything like this that humanizes the man, even if it also makes him look silly. I'm not saying it's not true; about that, I'm not going to do any independent research. I'm just saying that spending time discussing his aroma instead of his evil is not, on balance, a good thing. (Having just done it myself.)

Click here to read more . . .

Why Norway is melting

Now that the EU is up in arms about cow flatulence as a cause of global warming, I'm afraid there's a grave risk that people will simply ignore the newest threat to climate stability -- namely, moose flatulence.

I tell you this based on a story in the Norwegian news source Aftenposten (hat tip: fee simple), which reports:

The country's so-called "King of the Forest" hasn't been widely viewed as having any really nasty personal habits, surely none that could be considered an environmental threat.

But now some researchers linked to Norway's technical university (NTNU) in Trondheim contend that moose are responsible for tons of gas emissions a year through their frequent burping and, well, farting.

This is potentially a severe threat to our national security, as this TOP SECRET transcript that arrived over the transom indicates:

Natasha: Look, Dahlink, it's moose and squirrel.

(She and Boris watch Rocky and Bullwinkle through a spyglass.)

Rocky: Hokey Smoke, Bullwinkle! We're in real trouble now!

Bullwinkle: Pffffffft!!

Boris (to Natasha): Hoo boy, I can feel it getting hotter already.

To give you an idea of how serious a problem this is, Aftenposten writes:

The research web site http://www.forskning.no/ has calculated that the annual gas emissions from a moose are equal to those from an individual's 36 flights between Oslo and Trondheim.

A grown moose will burp and pass so much methane gas in the course of a year that it amounts to 2,100 kilos of carbon dioxide emissions.

Newspaper VG reported that a motorist would have to drive 13,000 kilometers in a car to emit the same.

The good news is that this article suggests that moose flatulence is a problem only in countries that use the metric system. My personal car drives in miles, not kilometers.

The bad news is that even though it's therefore the Europeans' metric moose that will create a dangerous number of kilometers of global warming, the Euro-trash will simply blame it on the United States, when actually they should blame it on the dog.

It really worries me that the only obvious solutions appear to be genocide of the moose population or massive "moose offsets." Me, I'm going to cancel my 36 flights from Oslo to Trondheim, wherever that may be.

And when I'm awarded my Nobel, I'll just have to do it by teleconference.

Click here to read more . . .

Hillary was right?

Hillary was right: "We could solve global warming if we just ended cow flatulence. But politically, everyone's so goddamn sure that PEOPLE cause global warming. I can't get any interest in my damn program -- unless they think it's going to hurt people."

OK, so it wasn't really Hillary. It was my photo comic version of Hillary back in January. So give me credit.

Because the EU -- for present purposes, pronounced "EWWWWW!!" -- is now focusing on cow flatulence as a cause of global warming.

BARMY Euro MPs are demanding new laws to stop cows and sheep PARPING.

Their call came after the UN said livestock emissions were a bigger threat to the planet than transport.

The MEPs have asked the European Commission to “look again at the livestock question in direct connection with global warming”.

The official EU declaration demands changes to animals’ diets, to capture gas emissions and recycle manure.

According to the UN report, "livestock farming generates 18 per cent of greenhouse gases while transport accounts for 14 per cent."

(via McGehee, posting at protein wisdom) *

* Why McGehee wasted this gold over at pw, a blog with only about a gazillion times my traffic, instead of sending it to me I really will never understand.

Click here to read more . . .

Late April linkfest

I barely have time to yawn these days, but I didn't want a few classic stories to go by unnoticed. So you'll excuse me if I put them in a linkfest.

1. You know how little kids have potty mouths these days? Well, check out the newest fad: potty heads.

LONDON (Reuters) - Firefighters said on Wednesday they had come to a [2-1/2 year old] boy's rescue after he got a toilet seat stuck on his head which he couldn't get off.

That must have been some party!

2. Florida: A state senator who was "convicted of grand theft for paying his office staff with state money while he worked on his re-election campaign" but is still in office has introduced a bill that would allow schools to suspend students for up to 10 days for showing their underwear. The bill is called "Pull Up Your Britches." The link contains video.

3. A British documentary on the "telly," called "Human Footprint," makes a remarkable claim: "The average person will eat over 10,000 bars of chocolate, shed 121 pints of tears and have sex more than 4,200 times" over a lifetime. The article at the link is accompanied by a chart stating how much or how many in a lifetime for a whole variety of things.

Particularly relevant to Pillage Idiot is this: "35,815 litres of wind passed." This figure might make sense to me if I knew how many inches there are in a litre.

And if you believe all of these figures, that means you had better get going if you want to have sex 4,239 times in your lifetime, which coincidentally is the exactly the same number of rolls of toilet paper you'll use. Unless, of course, you're Sheryl Crow.

4. Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi speak to the press, and Harry puts his hand on Nancy's shoulder. Nancy pretends she doesn't mind. But she's faking it.

(1-3 via Fark, 4 via Hot Air)

UPDATE: 5. Ace updates a post from HuffPo about how to tell if your husband is gay. My answer: "Are you a man? If so, your husband is gay. So are you."

Click here to read more . . .

The majesty of the law

It's not every day that a federal court of appeals issues a decision containing a line like this:

Somewhat to our surprise, it turns out that there is a niche market for farting dolls, and it is quite lucrative.

(via How Appealing)

The decision, issued by the Seventh Circuit on Tuesday, was in a case with the rather innocuous caption, JCW Investments, Inc., d/b/a Tekky Toys v. Novelty, Inc., and after I quote the opening paragraph, I'll clue you in on a interesting fact.

Meet Pull My Finger® Fred. He is a white, middle-aged, overweight man with black hair and a receding hairline, sitting in an armchair wearing a white tank top and blue pants. Fred is a plush doll and when one squeezes Fred’s extended finger on his right hand, he farts. He also makes somewhat crude, somewhat funny statements about the bodily noises he emits, such as “Did somebody step on a duck?” or “Silent but deadly.”

The interesting fact is that the opinion, holding that Fartman infringed the copyright of Pull My Finger Fred, was written by Judge Diane P. Wood, the only woman on the panel. Though, perhaps, this might explain why the opinion expressed surprise that there was a lucrative market in farting dolls.

You can get some more background about the case here.

But no discussion of the case would be complete without describing (and quoting) the beginning of the oral argument of this case in the Seventh Circuit, which you can download here in MP3 format by clicking at the link labeled "Oral Argument."

You'll hear the presiding judge call the case by name. There's a 25-second period in which you hear what sounds like the rustling of papers, but if you listen carefully, you can also hear, very indistinctly, someone calling out something in the background. And I'm pretty sure I know, generally, what it was, because the argument continued this way:

THE COURT: Mr. Lueders?

MR. LUEDERS: Yes, your Honor?

THE COURT: I guess we've heard the first sentence of your argument.

[Laughter.]

MR. LUEDERS: Indeed. My client has decided to represent himself pro se. May it please the court, I along with my partner, Dr. Lisa Hiday, represent Fartman and Fartboy.

And you thought the argument in "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" was interesting.

Click here to read more . . .

Life imitates protein wisdom

Just a few days ago, Jeff Goldstein had an amusing post about offsets for "personal methane production," which I noted here.

Today, National Geographic News reported on the same subject: "New Weapon Against Warming: 'Flatulence Cards' Offset Dog, Human Emissions." (via Fark)

For 35 Australian dollars (about 27 U.S. dollars), customers of Sydney-based Easy Being Green can offset a year's worth of carbon emissions linked to their dogs, from trips to the vet to, yes, breaking wind.

Making your cat carbon neutral for a year costs U.S.$6, while U.S.$16 offsets two years of flatulence from that special someone.

Sadly, the article doesn't provide the cost for making human emissions carbon-neutral. I expect it will be fairly low, since most people blame it on the dog, anyway.

Click here to read more . . .

Carbon offsets

Is it really possible for the United States to mimic Al Gore's carbon offsets and spend a mere $15 billion a year to come into virtual compliance with the Kyoto accords? Read this somewhat tongue-in-cheek analysis at protein wisdom.

And Jeff's next post covers the same general topic, only in the form of a flatulence joke -- I mean, a joke about "personal methane production." But it's a good one.

Click here to read more . . .