Mmmmm, toothpaste!

Are you frustrated because your toothpaste always seems to come in exactly two flavors -- mint and, uh, mint? (Three, for you extremists out there who use baking-soda-flavored toothpaste.)

Never fear. The folks at InventorSpot have exactly the concept for you: Pork-flavored toothpaste. Yes, pork. The other white meat.

Some of you may be aware that pork is not, technically speaking (and you'll excuse me for being so picky), kosher. But since some enterprising souls have been working on ways to make household equipment that orthodox Jews can use on shabbat, I'm confident that their collective wisdom and creativity can be put to the use of making pork-flavored toothpaste that is kosher. I'm thinking imitation pork flavoring. I mean, I've eaten vegetarian pork before, so this shouldn't be very difficult.

Now, building on the InventorSpot concept should be easy. We have a political campaign going on, and I intend to recommend a new flavor of toothpaste for the Democratic ticket, at least the part at the top.

Arugula.

Mmmmm. You can almost taste it, can't you? And it's not so expensive at Whole Foods.

Click here to read more . . .

Tuesday evening linkfest

Here are a few links I've been collecting:

1. You know you're having a bad day at the gym when the exercise machine shoots you out like a slingshot.

2. I had a visitor looking for information about flatulence in Beethoven's Second Symphony. (It's not as strange as it sounds; listen to the fourth movement.) So I followed his search link and discovered that it's really the choral movement of the Ninth that's flatulent. So says an op-ed in the NY Times from last December. I'm serious. Check it out.

3. In light of that, scientists have strapped plastic bags to Beethoven's back to measure the effect of his flatulence on global warming. Sorry, it's Argentinian cows who have to suffer this indignity. Photo at link. (Hat tip: fee simple)

4. The headline says it all: "Gummy Bears That Fight Plaque" (via HotAir)

5. The Snickers ad: How to be retro and edgy at the same time.

6. As a follow-up to my post from last September on the same subject and the same "scientist," I'm giving you this article on "breast biomechanics." (via Ace)

7. The Maryland Death Penalty Abolition Dog And Pony Show (MDPADAPS) is now underway. I'm on the edge of my seat wondering what the commission's conclusion will be.

8. Soccer Dad deals with Obamoid stupidity so you don't have to. Or is "stupidity" the new "uppity"?

9. If the carnivores can do it, so can the vegetarians. A veggie "hot dog" eating contest, I mean. Except for the fact that Tofurky sucks major eggs. And don't neglect to click to read the waiver required of participants. (On The Red Line)

10. Mark Newgent takes on more left-wing economic idiocy. (See here for my own post from last week.)

11. Mightily pissed off (and more dubious language) because an editor removed the indefinite article formerly the penultimate word in his column. (via Three Sources)

Click here to read more . . .

Follow-up: The Woodstock of the 21st century

If the New York Times article is accurate, yesterday's vegetarian march in New York did not turn out to be the Woodstock of the 21st Century, as its organizer claimed it would.

But at least there was no violence.

The parade’s participants wended their way peacefully through Greenwich Village to Washington Square Park, led by a seven-foot-tall pea pod and an outsize carrot, who would later marry onstage in a faux ceremony. A giant pink replica of a human colon, replete with polyps and a sullied colostomy bag, brought up the rear.

That's funny; usually it's the gluteus maximus that brings up the rear. Anyway, it was supposed to be a celebration, but somehow, these guys are always the victim.

The parade arrived at Washington Square Park about 1 p.m. Vegan jerky sticks were passed about, and a costume competition was held. One of the winners was Bex Vargas, an artist who lives in Queens and was dressed as a head of broccoli. Ms. Vargas, 26, had brought the costume in a bag. Once offstage, she admitted that she was exhausted and yearned to go home, but feared that her costume would invite harassment on the subway. "I don’t know if I’ll even fit through the turnstile," she said.

But for me, the highlight was the appearance of vegetarian Bernie "Make My Day" Goetz appealing for kindness to animals: "Mr. Goetz said he lamented people's 'distant, shallow and bad' attitudes toward animals. 'The world is a deader place because of mankind's relationship with animals,' he said."

Thus, the image of the day, from the Times's site:


The caption reads: "Bernard Goetz, right, who was known as a subway vigilante in ’84, helping a fellow vegetarian." How dumb does the Times think we are if it feels it has to tell us which one is which?

Click here to read more . . .

The Woodstock of the 21st century?

I was in New York City today, and I back now, so regrettably I won't be there on Sunday to see the first Veggie Pride Parade through Greenwich Village, which I read about in the NY Sun.

In a kind of irrational exuberance I attribute to an out-of-control PR team, organizers are referring to this as the "Woodstock of the 21st Century." Or perhaps I should say "organizer" -- a woman with the very veggie-appropriate name, Pamela Rice. "Give Peas a Chance," she's saying. (That's not my joke; it's hers.)

If you're in the New York area on Sunday, I recommend you go there to watch the festivities, even if they're not quite Woodstockian in scope. Here's a sampling:

After speeches and awards for best slogan and costume, the afternoon will culminate in a wedding of two mascots: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals’s orange-clad Chris P. Carrot will marry VivaVegie Society’s 7-foot-tall Penelo Pea Pod. Ms. Rice said Chris P. Carrot was "finally settling down." She mused whether the pair would need a marriage license.

Whatever you do on Sunday, don't miss the music.

One specially prepared tune will be "Get Your Green On," which she described as a rock song with a "funk disco vibe." The official song for the event, it begins: "I like vegetables/ I like fruits/ Their sexy colors/ And their healthy attributes."

If you think this kind of wackiness can't be topped, I'd advise you to consider what the marchers might be chanting as they march: "What do we want? Vegan options in our schools! When do we want it? Now!" It's got a certain rhythm to it, doesn't it?

But please, do cut them some slack. I remind you, beer is vegan.

UPDATE (5/19): A follow-up.

Click here to read more . . .

Faking it

If you're a radical carnivore, or if you've experienced fake meat only by eating Tofurky, one of the worst fake-meat products ever invented, you probably object to the concept.

In my household, though, we eat a lot of fake meat products, because keeping kosher means not eating dairy and meat at the same time. It's always nice to use fake meat so we can use real dairy products -- like "cheeseburgers" using veggie-burgers called "Grillers," or tacos with fake beef but real cheese.

I won't say we're aficionados, because we're always learning new things about fake meat products. For example, in today's Washington Post food section, there's a long article on the subject, along with taste tests of several products. (Sadly, you won't see at that link what the internal headline was in the dead-tree version, the headline on the jump page: "Is That Real Meat on Your Plate, or the Work of Seitan?")

The article distinguishes between philosophical and pragmatic vegetarians:

Of course, some vegetarians might relish the idea of eating a pig's foot made of soy protein; others, however, would rather starve than chomp on an ersatz appendage. Why, carnivores might ask, would someone who shies away from meat want to dine on a simulacrum of it? Why not just eat your veggies? It all depends on what kind of non-meat eater you are: philosophical or pragmatic.

Philosophical vegetarians, says Brian Wansink, director of the Cornell University Food and Brand Lab, avoid meat for ethical reasons and prefer foods that taste and look like plant life. Conversely, pragmatic vegetarians love meat but not the nutritional pitfalls that come with it. "They want [vegetarian food] to taste like ground beef," Wansink said, "but without the animal fat."

Me, I find it interesting that a vegetarian, knowing that a food product is plant-based, would object simply because it looks (and perhaps tastes) like meat.

I once had a discussion about the kashrut version of this issue with a friend, who told me that a relative of his won't put non-dairy cream in his coffee with a meat meal, because it conflicts with the spirit of the rules, even though, if it's really non-dairy, there's no question that it's permissible to have it with meat.

Being something of a wiseguy, I asked him what his relative would say about this: Suppose a married couple, in intimate moments, pretended the spouse was someone else. Would they be committing adultery in spirit?

This hypothetical question really piqued his interest. He started spinning out another hypothetical that involved the husband dressing up as a cowboy, and I forget the rest, but I needed to cover his nine-year-old son's ears.

Click here to read more . . .