There's always Hope

Photo by Aunt Leslie

Our family is still enjoying our Spring Break..however, I received a very touching e-mail from a dear friend of mine the other day who told me how much my story has impacted her life. I have known her for years but she had never expressed herself like this to me until now. I cried when I read it because I have never thought of myself as an inspiration... most days I feel as if I am merely surviving.

This post was one of my first a few years back. You may have read it already but my friend asked if I would share it with all of you again. Maybe someone out there needs to know that there is hope in the darkest of days. The sun is always shining somewhere. This is for you~T.. Love you!








March 21, 2008

Spring is my favorite time of year. Everything old seems new and fresh again, the days are longer, the nights....a little warmer, and we are constantly reminded of God's love and beauty in everything that surrounds us.
I was sitting here tonight with Chris, Annabelle and Chloe, nursing coughs and runny noses, trying to get my home in order for Easter Sunday, baking and all of the other tasks on my Hostess checklist. I was getting down my Longaberger Easter baskets for the girls that I began collecting before they were even born and a wave of emotion came over me. I started collecting these baskets when I was pregnant for Evan. I began to cry.
Springtime brings many emotions for me. For 3 years, every time Spring came around I was lying in a bed somewhere. When I became pregnant for Evan in February of 2000 I was on bed rest until July. I didn't mind. I loved lying in bed while Chris was mowing the lawn with the scent of fresh cut grass floating in the air. Or the bumblebees feeding on the olive tree that stood right outside our bedroom window. Once in a while Chris would bring in a flower or two from our yard and put it by my bed. We were so excited to finally be pregnant. I would sit and rub my belly and wonder who this little angel was going to look like. If she would be our little Sophie or he, our little Evan. I would have laid in a bed for another four months...or years without uttering a single complaint if that would have saved us the heartache of losing him. It is a pain that is indescribable...I won't even try.
By December of that year we were told by our fertility specialist that we had a small window to try again. We struggled with the thought of going through this all again but we were assured by the physician that delivered Evan that I lost him because I had an incompitant cervix and this could be fixed. We prayed so hard about this and decided that it was in God's Hands. We became pregnant. With Twins! I was overjoyed when we had our first ultrasound and they told us the news. Orders were to go home and get in bed. I did.
We were sent to a doctor in a neighboring city that was said to be the best. He was. We would deliver the babies in this city because they were equipped with NICU and any other thing that we could possibly need. By March, this hospital became my home..our home. I was ordered to permanent bed rest in my 15th week and was not allowed out of bed at all. This meant legs shaved by mom, hair washed in a trashcan, bedpans...all of it. I spent my days looking out the window at the tops of the trees and watching them go from bare branches to beautiful blooms and then to full lush green leaves. Those trees were the way I kept track of what was going on outside. If they were blowing a certain way I knew it was going to rain, and when the apple trees were in bloom I could imagine myself lying underneath them just drinking in the scent. I swore sometimes I could smell them. Every week my sister's in -laws would come visit me. Lynn would always bring me a fresh bouquet of flowers from their home. I always knew what was blooming because he would bring it in for me. Daffodils, lilacs, all of the spring favorites were in my room at one point or another. All I had to do was lay in bed and keep my babies safe. It was easy surrounded by all those pretties.

On May 21st, Sophie and Brayden came into this world. Brayden was stillborn and Sophie lived for a minute and a half. Our hearts were completely shattered. I knew the night I gave birth to these little angels that I would never do this again. I was broken...in so many ways. On so many levels. I was numb. My tears didn't start flowing until a few days later. They flow still. When Evan died I thought that I could never feel this pain again and here I was...at the foot of his grave, burying his brother and sister along side of him ten months later. My faith was never stronger. I had to believe that there was a purpose. I HAD to believe. Or else there was no purpose.

The third Spring, I was 29 years old and having a complete hysterectomy. In April I had my surgery, went home and recovered in my own bed. Six weeks later, I painted our bedroom and began imagining what I would do with the nursery to -be across the hall. I had not been able to do anything to the room during either of my pregnancies so it was still an office. We would use it as an office for the next year and a half until the day we got the call from a friend of a friend that was expecting a baby, knew our story and wanted us to adopt her child. We knew that we would adopt someday but this was out of the blue. Someday became right now. We got the nursery ready, my sister threw me the baby shower she had been waiting for, and when he was born, the birth mother decided to keep him. I was beginning to wonder if our hope of ever having a family would be realized.

The fourth Spring I had realized my dream of being a business owner and event planner. This was a passion of mine. I loved designing weddings and began designing flowers as well. I surrounded myself with beautiful flowers every day. Even in winter...it was Spring somewhere.

The fifth Spring I was sitting in the rocking chair of our nursery looking out the window and a sense of peace came over me. I knew what this was, Who this was, and I decided to pick up the phone, call our adoption attorney and start the rest of my life. Four months later, at the peek of event planning season, I received a phone call at my boutique and was told that we were going to be parents...again. Annabelle was born in August.

The Sixth Spring we were enjoying our new little love and everything precious about her. She was so much fun. I loved watching her discover all of the joys of my favorite season. My days of event planning were done.

By the seventh Spring Annabelle was already a year and a half and a BIG sister. Chloe was born in December of 2005 and she and Annabelle are full -blooded sisters. Every spring since has been such a joy. They are growing so fast, turning into these adorable little people that I love more than I ever dreamed I could.

The memories of those Springs, no matter how painful , are ones I will always treasure. I have three beautiful babies looking down on me every moment of my life. And I know that the voices I heard in the rocking chair on that Spring day were theirs...Telling me that there is always hope.