Blue Ruin

Tomorrow I will be at the hospital at 9am sharp for yet another CT scan. This one will show whether the chemo I've been on since December is working. 

If it is, then I guess I stay on it for now. This is a very low probability: Doxil has a 20% response rate to platinum-resistant cancer. So if there is disease progress, they will stop the Doxil. 

What comes next? Well that is another fun choice I can mull over during my vacation*: the one that makes ALL of my hair fall out after the first infusion, or the one that could possibly make me blind. So do I want to lose the only part of my body that still looks like me, or keep it but not be able to see it? or see anything else: my cat, my husband, the internet, pill bottles, the TV, hell I could just throw my brand new glasses away. Or, or. I could do neither. If I start Toxil, I can pretty much guarantee never to have hair again. It will not be growing back this time. I will die bald. On the other hand, if I start the other one, I might go blind. 

What happens if I choose neither? The cancer progresses. Of course, it could still progress with the other treatments, and the bald head and blindness will all be for naught. No, I think I want to live the rest of my life. I put my life on hold for over two years now, always sick, always tired. I want some time back to live before I die.

**The belated honeymoon we had to push back for two years but are finally going on next month

Labels: cancer, fear, scanxiety