Feeling like this space is becoming a tedious recording of sleep problems and successes.*
Of course I spend a lot of time thinking about it. I think maybe I'm going to do some kind of art project about sleep. A weird diary or something. I think I need to do more visual art. I find myself thinking I studied the wrong stuff in graduate school. Like, if only I'd studied poetics at SUNY Buffalo...but that never even occurred to me when I was applying to programs.
Emotionally I am a mess. I don't know how much this has to do with weaning. But I have moments--and they seem too frequent--that I am just hit with what I am calling THE USUAL AND MUNDANE SORROWS. You know, not big stuff like infertility or major life illnesses or anything. Just being sad.
Maybe this has to do with a friend, whom sometimes I wish was a bit more than just a friend, preparing to move across the country. We keep having these good byes. Another one--the real one, I think-- tomorrow morning.
Maybe this is some sort of mid-life crisis. I feel like I went to bed a 27-year-old fresh from grad school and woke up an almost 41-year-old with two kids and tenure (and a lot of shit has gone down in the past 5-10 years, you know?).
And then there's work. I'm actually largely on top of things. Making headway on all necessary project and turning out new stuff. Staying on top of the email and the details. Not getting overly emotionally invested in students and my class (which isn't going as well as I'd like but I've been doing this particular class long enough that I know THAT'S NOT ME, IT'S THEM).
Therapy with actual therapist tomorrow, largely to talk about the embryos in cold storage.
Life is good. But why does it have to be so hard to make it through the night?
* for the record, we're doing better. First waking generally as late as 2:30 (although last night he came in with me at 11:00!) but still those wee hours SUCK. I've tried giving him more or less "baba"; I've tried keeping him with me and forcing him to stay in his bed. Nothing systematic seems to work but I can pretty much count on being awake for two hours sometime in the middle of the night. The only good thing is that I'm getting enough total sleep, due to early bedtime and generally late wakeup, to make up for it. I mean, I'm not well rested or anything...but I haven't had one of those HORRID nights in about a month. And that' helps. Damn does that help.
Of course I spend a lot of time thinking about it. I think maybe I'm going to do some kind of art project about sleep. A weird diary or something. I think I need to do more visual art. I find myself thinking I studied the wrong stuff in graduate school. Like, if only I'd studied poetics at SUNY Buffalo...but that never even occurred to me when I was applying to programs.
Emotionally I am a mess. I don't know how much this has to do with weaning. But I have moments--and they seem too frequent--that I am just hit with what I am calling THE USUAL AND MUNDANE SORROWS. You know, not big stuff like infertility or major life illnesses or anything. Just being sad.
Maybe this has to do with a friend, whom sometimes I wish was a bit more than just a friend, preparing to move across the country. We keep having these good byes. Another one--the real one, I think-- tomorrow morning.
Maybe this is some sort of mid-life crisis. I feel like I went to bed a 27-year-old fresh from grad school and woke up an almost 41-year-old with two kids and tenure (and a lot of shit has gone down in the past 5-10 years, you know?).
And then there's work. I'm actually largely on top of things. Making headway on all necessary project and turning out new stuff. Staying on top of the email and the details. Not getting overly emotionally invested in students and my class (which isn't going as well as I'd like but I've been doing this particular class long enough that I know THAT'S NOT ME, IT'S THEM).
Therapy with actual therapist tomorrow, largely to talk about the embryos in cold storage.
Life is good. But why does it have to be so hard to make it through the night?
* for the record, we're doing better. First waking generally as late as 2:30 (although last night he came in with me at 11:00!) but still those wee hours SUCK. I've tried giving him more or less "baba"; I've tried keeping him with me and forcing him to stay in his bed. Nothing systematic seems to work but I can pretty much count on being awake for two hours sometime in the middle of the night. The only good thing is that I'm getting enough total sleep, due to early bedtime and generally late wakeup, to make up for it. I mean, I'm not well rested or anything...but I haven't had one of those HORRID nights in about a month. And that' helps. Damn does that help.
I wish we lived closer so we could hang out. Thinking of you and hoping you're feeling okay.
ReplyDeleteI'm sad that your friend is leaving. I hope you have a meaningful, connecting "real goodbye" when it happens.
ReplyDeleteSounds like sleep is better overall, and it makes me glad to read that. I can hardly fathom all that you are getting done being sleep deprived. You are STRONG, woman.
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ReplyDeleteWould love to pal around with you, MaB. and Augusta, too!
ReplyDelete