"On the dance floor at the Stud," answers Ed Valenzuela, 48, to the question of where he met his husband. He knows that for gay men, it's a cliche to have met his partner, Gary Walker, 46, in a bar. But in 1987 he had no way of knowing their life together would be anything but cliched. "I like the way you dance," Gary admits was his trite opening line. He smiles: After more than 22 years together (parents for the last seven), the men share humor, an ease with being together and a lot of history.
After the fortuitous run-in on the dance floor, the two men arranged to have dinner the next night, and, as in the movies, they talked until the servers were tapping toes to get them to leave. Gary left for home in New York. Three months later, they rendezvoused again and soon Gary was moving west. "When you're 25, you don't think you're so young!" says Gary, over the dining table at their Berkeley home. But by 1988, on National Coming Out Day, the two decided to marry on the steps of San Francisco's City Hall.
Over the next 12 years, the couple traveled, focused on their careers - Gary in banking software, Ed in the specialty food business - and 10 years in, threw themselves a commitment ceremony. In the background, was a faint ticking - Ed's biological clock. "I would bring up children," says Ed, "Gary would say 'Sure, honey' and pat my arm." On the morning of his 40th birthday, Ed arranged to attend a seminar on gay parenting. His heart was set on an infant. "I love babies," he admits with a grin. Gary made the baby-on-board leap.
Nine months later, the men were on a plane to Texas to meet Kiki, now 7. Born before the two had time to arrange paperwork, Kiki and Ed stayed in a Texas motel for three weeks while legal wrinkles were ironed out. Ed was in heaven. Gary was on more shaky ground. "Terrified," he says, "Kiki was so fragile; I remember thinking that she might break!"
In 2004, the couple married again, and in July, they repeated their vows once more. Kiki reminded her dads that they were already married. Legalities were explained, and Kiki was all too happy to dress up for the occasion.
"It means so much to Kiki that we're married," says Gary, who sometimes worries about how being the poster child for gay families might affect his daughter. "But if our story convinces people to vote against repealing the law, it's worth it."
To see a video of Ed and Gary's most recent wedding, narrated by Kiki, go to www.sfgate.com/ZEXZ.
