Shabbat.Kiruv and New Update

     Recently, a good friend reminded me about this internal email sent around a while back to Shabbat/Shabbos hosts, allegedly from Rabbi Klatzko, the head of Shabbat.com--a kiruv organization that sets up hosts and guest for Shabbos meals and observance. What follows is a set of guidelines for hosts to follow in order to promote orthodoxy. My comments follow after each suggestion. The suggestions from the email are indented but I added everything within the [brackets.] Additionally, in my commentary, I use the word "allegedly" since I was given the text of this email and not actual screen shots.

From Rabbi Klatzko - Suggestions for Hosting guests at your Shabbos Table

1- NEVER speak about these four things:
1- Women's issues- eg. agunah, [married woman whose husband refuses to grant a religious divorce, despite her request for a divorce,] mechitza, [separation of men and women at synagogue]
2- avoid speaking about denominations (reform, conservative, etc.)
3- don't speak about homosexuality
4- don't speak about Chareidim [ultra-orthodox Jews] and the army

     When someone suggests that you never speak of something, the first thing you should ask is "why are these topics forbidden?" Let's take a brief minute to go through each forbidden topic.
      Why shouldn't ultra-orthodox hosts discuss women's issues? This leads to dangerous territory for kiruv professionals. Modern educated women and men are not going to be happy when they learn that women's separation is about women being a distraction, about women being possibly considered impure if they are menstruating, and about women being held captive by husbands who refuse them a get (a Jewish divorce) that will permit them to remarry within observant Judaism.
     Why shouldn't Shabbos hosts discuss non-orthodox denominations of Judaism? Ultra-orthodox Judaism does not accept non-orthodox denominations of Judaism as legitimate Jewish practice. Notice how the text says "about denominations" and not "about denominations of Judaism." Why not speak about these denominations of Judaism? Perhaps because they want to avoid having to denounce them, and thus turn off non-orthodox Jews. Let them find out later how you really feel, after you've hooked them.
     Why shouldn't Shabbos hosts discuss homosexuality? Ultra-orthodox Jews believe that homosexuality is wrong (the term "abomination" is often tossed around casually,) and some have pushed gay people into programs such as JONAH, which attempt to make gay people straight. Obviously, a discussion of how the Torah claims that homosexuals should be stoned to death is not something they want to discuss at the Shabbos table with people of various backgrounds.
     Why not discuss Chareidim and the army? Non-orthodox Jews who may or may not be Zionists might find it a bit odd that ultra-orthodox Jews get a free pass from the Israeli army, while non-(ultra) orthodox Jews are risking their own lives for the safety of ALL who live in Israel. Regardless of one's position on Israel, most people would probably find this to be extremely unbalanced.

2- General Rule- NEVER GO NEGATIVE
people don't remember arguments- they remember IMPRESSIONS
were you disparaging, bullying.
BE POSITIVE!
- don't assume people have preconceived notions about being frum
- Stay in your element- don't try too hard, be yourself- don't put on a show
- Stay away from stories that are difficult to believe! They can't relate to them.
Speak about moral ideas- how to have compassion, how to treat others, etc
Suggested reading: Zelig Pliskin- "Love Your Neighbor" - moral in each parsha

     Number two starts off fair. No matter who you are, it's a bad idea to bully and belittle your guests. I hope this is common knowledge everywhere. The fact that he has to remind people of this makes me wary of how well the hosts on this site are screened before people are sent off to their homes. My only real issue with this section is this line: "Stay away from stories that are difficult to believe! They can't relate to them." In the secular world, many stories that are difficult to believe require the suspension of disbelief. We usually refer to those as fiction.

 3- Things that make big impressions:

- seeing the husband helping out- eg setting or clearing the table
- wife should thank husband for buying flowers OUT LOUD
- Thanks to guests for coming AND thanks to your wife for making the shabbos

      This section leads me to believe that it's assumed that men are not helping their wives out on Shabbos. Otherwise, why the need to suggest that they do? Is it because in many modern households there's a pretty even division of labor that may not necessarily exist in ultra-orthodox homes?
     In suggestion 2, Klatzko allegedly states "Stay in your element- don't try too hard, be yourself- don't put on a show," so then why the need to stress that the "wife should thank husband for buying flowers OUT LOUD" and that the husband should thank his wife for making Shabbos? Are these simple expressions of gratitude a foreign concept in these homes when impressionable kiruv projects guests aren't present?

4- Everything you do on shabbos should be done with PURPOSE and JOY
sing with feeling, say kiddush with feeling; make them feel comfortable.

      Again, let me mention the point about not putting on a show. This sounds very much like a scripted production.

5- Don't flinch if they do something against halacha. They are not chayav for aveiros- [guilty of transgressing/breaking Jewish law] should they turn on a light, use cell phone, let it go

     I appreciate number five. However, I believe it should always be like this. Accept people for who they are without the need to deceive them (by avoiding topics that may be uncomfortable or emotional.)

6- Don't sing your usual zemiros [Shabbos songs]- they will tune out. Choose a popular Hebrew song,
eg. Oseh Shalom, Haveinu Shalom Aleichem, David Melech Yisroel,
Ushavtem Mayim Bsason, Moshiah Molshiah aya ya ya ya yae,
Lo yisah goi el goi cherev, Adon Olam, Hava Nageela, Hine ma Tov,
Siman tov umazel tov, Am yisrael Chai, Etz Chaim Hi....
OR: Teach them a new song without words, hum along.

     Are the real zmiros really that bad? In all seriousness, this makes sense. Without accepting non-orthodox Jewish denominations, Klatzko allegedly accepts that guests may have familiarity with some of the songs and prayers. I wonder if women are allowed to sing or if women aren't informed until much later that their voices shouldn't be heard.

7- Goal is that they should want to incorporate this experience - yahadus-into their lives:
People choose religion because of:
1- who our heroes are (Rev Moshe Feinstein, gedolim in Eretz Yisrael)

2- what is the ultimate vision of our religion for the world. Judaism- vision of peace
3- they look at the user experience- are people enjoying practicing their religion
4- do ideas translate into action- the proof is in the pudding- does it work?
5- people are looking for truth- Judiasm is emes [truth.] If you don't know an answer to their question, be honest- say you will find out. But only give honest answers.

 Last but not least, number seven. The second point tries to sell Judaism as a "vision of peace." I keep thinking of the Amalek--the group that Jews are commanded by the Torah to smite in every generation--and how anti-Zionists have made claims that Zionists are also the Amalek. I am also reminded of the infighting within orthodoxy and I really have to wonder.
     The list of suggestions mentions "user experience--are people enjoying practicing their religion?" The fact that just a few sentences ago, people were instructed that "everything you do on shabbos should be done with PURPOSE and JOY, sing with feeling, say kiddush with feeling" makes me think that perhaps people are not enjoying the practice, otherwise, why the need to remind them to be joyful? Usually, when people enjoy something, they don't need to be reminded to exhibit the joy. It comes naturally.
     The question is raised that "ideas translate into actions--the proof is in the pudding--does it work?" Does what work? What does this refer to?
    Finally, number five. Judaism is only truth to those who believe it is truth. I like the idea that honest answers should be given, however, that's after manipulating the conversation to avoid certain topics that Klatzko allegedly doesn't want you to talk about.
     Here's my question to kiruv professionals and ultra-orthodox hosts. Why not be honest in the beginning? Why not discuss the difficult topics? Is it that you're afraid of turning people off to Judaism? Or is it that you fear that you may discover certain truths that might taint your personal vision of ultra-orthodox Judaism?

UPDATE
     I was recently contacted twice by Rabbi Benzion Klatzko, once via Facebook and once as a comment on this blog. Since the comment thread is very long, I've chosen to

Comment from Rabbi Benzion Klatzko.
Click to enlarge.

post the comment and my response within the body of this post.
     As those of you who have been reading this blog from its inception are aware, I believe very strongly in integrity. I stand behind my words and I won't write anything that I wouldn't say in person. Additionally, I cite my sources and post screen shots when available.
     In his response, Rabbi Klatzko states that "This was NOT an email sent to "kiruv people" [sic] This was a phone conference that someone eves [sic] dropped [sic] on and then "summarized" for the OTD [off the derech--people who've left orthodoxy] crowd on a different website." 
     I admit to being curious as to why he might blame someone for disseminating this information to the OTD crowd, why he'd assume said person "eavesdropped," and what would motivate him to lay blame so casually. But then I moved on to the body of the comment. I want to express my gratitude to Rabbi Klatzko for taking some of his valuable time to write up a response to this post addressing words that he claims were written by an eavesdropper for the OTD community. Except that there's a problem here and it's not with Klatzko's explanation of his host suggestions. The problem is that I was recently sent the exact same "summary" in an email that came from the Far Rockaway, New York synagogue Agudah of Bayswater on October 23, 2014 at 9:40:18 AM EDT.
     Someone should inform Agudah of Bayswater that the information that was sent out by them was actually taken verbatim from an eavesdropper for the OTD community, based on Klatzko's comment. I don't know Rabbi Benzion Klatzko from a hole in the wall (although I'm guessing he's the one with legs) and so I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt here. I can't imagine that Rabbi Klatzko, a rabbi and head of a huge kiruv organization, would lie in a comment on a public blog (in which he references a message he sent previously in his name) about this information. And yet, here are screen shots of emails received.

Click to enlarge.

Click to enlarge.

Rebellion, Zumba, and A Funny Outreach Speech

     There's a lot to write about today on many subjects. So, we'll start at the beginning. So, here we go. Thank you to all who have read and contacted me about "Total Immersion," a short story I wrote that was published on JewishFiction.net. Thank you for your comments, both positive and negative. I've been writing fiction for over twenty years and only within the past few years have I actually pursued publication. If you checked out the story, stay a few minutes over there and look at Jewish Fiction's incredible editorial board. I'm thrilled that my story was selected for this issue. (They've also published work by Elie Wiesel. So I feel very honored.)

     I just had the pleasure of reading Pop Chasid's blog post "It's a Baal Teshuva's Job to Rebel Against the Orthodox World."I suggest going over there and reading it, but here are some juicy tidbits. Pop Chasid makes the point that once religious,  baal teshuvas (BTs, newly religious people) begin to "realize that a culture does not equal truth."1 He talks about how BTs "come to Judaism with a fresh perspective" and how it is their job as BTs "to turn every part of the world inside out, and that includes the orthdox one."2 (As a former BT, this actually explains why many former BTs who ultimately leave orthodoxy still retain ties to the community in hopes of changing it.)
     Pop Chasid is right--the job of the BT is to offer new views. What becomes problematic is when kiruv workers look to stifle those views and churn out carbon copies of themselves, instead of giving BTs permission to keep the things that make them unique. Permission, you ask? Yes. I've read complaints from BTs about feeling pressured to give up activities that they love because the rabbis who led them to orthodoxy come from communities who eschew these things. Currently, the new thing to ban is zumba.

In the document issued by the Rabbinical Court of the Ashkenazi Community in Beitar [Israel] and headlined "warning," women are explicitly forbidden from running or taking Zumba classes, deemed indecent because they involve moving parts of the body.

"Recently our city has seen the opening of classes employing the South American 'Zumba' method,” it reads. “After having established that both in form and manner, the activity is entirely at odds with both the ways of the Torah and the holiness of Israel, as are the songs associated to it, I hereby announce that the organization and participation in such classes is forbidden.3”

Click to enlarge. Hat tip:VDN

I'm still trying to understand how women dancing with women in an exercise studio and having a great time and a great workout in a non-judgmental atmosphere (yes, I've zumba'd in combat boots, un-coordination and all,) can cause rabbis to enact a ban. I know, I know. You're thinking "how does this impact on the US?" Well, "Brooklyn Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein said that the dance craze can lead Jewish women towards pole dancing and prostitution. He said: “Zumba will become pole, pole will become prostitution and you will lose all of your kids… The whole world is just falling apart.”4 Ironically, pole dancing and zumba are a great way to burn off all of those extra calories from heavy carb-laden foods like kugel and cholent. And what does this have to do with kiruv? An unfortunate by-product of bans and newly enacted religious strictures is that they tend to cause a shift towards the right in the religious community. There are those who support these bans because they believe in them. There are others who go along with them because they don't want to make waves. Community pressure keeps people from disagreeing loudly and publicly. After all, if you want to zumba/wear shorter skirts/not cover your hair with your community's accepted hair covering,  then you may have to suffer the consequences of having your children not accepted by the schools of your choice, losing out on good marriage prospects, etc. Even those who disagree with what their rabbis say are often silenced in order to maintain the status quo.
     The Lakewood Scoop (see picture) reported as far back as 2011 that the Gym Lakewood was getting rid of their Zumba class offering because of complaints. You can read the comments here. They're quite entertaining.

     For a bit of fun, I highly recommend watching "The Funniest Outreach Speech Ever," given by Hilly Gross back in 1986. He talks about Rabbi Ephraim Buchwald (of Lincoln Square Synagogue) and how he'd send people out to families for Shabbat meals right after services.

Let me tell you why I love this speech and why I generally have no problem with this. First of all, Lincoln Square Synagogue is Modern Orthodox synagogue. People who are interested in Judaism come in for the Beginner's Minyan. Rabbis are not out recruiting, and are not out telling people that this is the only option. I also like the humorous honesty that Hilly Gross uses to give his speech. He wants to speed through davening, make a quick kiddush when he gets home, eat, and go to sleep. And he talks about being irritated that these beginners want to do it all, drawn out, the way they do it "at Effy's house." I like his self-deprecating sense of humor, and how it's not used to denigrate other forms of Judaism. (Having sat through many lectures by kiruv rabbis, it's nice not to hear insults hurled, even with humor, at Reform and Conservative Jewish practice.) Above all, I love how non-judgmental he is, and how he talks about his own spirituality being lifted by that of the Beginners. Hilly Gross doesn't try to cover the fact that after a while, one's spirituality may wane, that one may not always be as inspired as he/she was in the beginning, and that sleep sometimes seems like a better option than singing zmiros (Shabbos songs) around the table. I remarked to a close friend of mine that in the world of Big Kiruv, the truth as put by Hilly Gross, would never be put out there as bluntly as in this speech. Nobody tells kids and young adults getting involved in these kiruv organizations that yes, there will be a time when the rosy kiruv glow wears off, and you're back to life as usual, just with a lot of Jewish responsibilities. And I don't recall ever being told that really, it's okay not to sing every single verse of "Shalom Aleichem" on Shabbos. Modern Orthodoxy, for people who want to be part of mainstream society and still have an orthodox connection to Judaism, is a wonderful way of maintaining that connection without becoming completely overwhelmed, and without being pressured to leave one's whole life behind. Why this lifestyle is not being offered by kiruv workers is something I don't understand. There's no reason to churn out copy after copy of Aish-type BTs who think they have to upend their entire lives, family dynamic, and social group in order to have Judaism in their lives. Judaism should not have to destroy a life to enhance it. Oh, and by the way, Modern Orthodoxy allows zumba.

Whether we like it or not, our job as baal teshuvas is to always rebel.  It is to turn every part of the world inside out, and that includes the orthodox one.  - See more at: http://popchassid.com/baal-teshuvas-rebel-orthodox/#sthash.1CyN3EWS.dpuf

we realize that a culture does not equal truth.

we realize that a culture does not equal truth.

04DecIt’s A Baal Teshuva’s Job To Rebel Against The Orthodox World

When a person, like a baal teshuva, decides to leave his culture and join another, the beginning of the process is one of rebellion against the culture he grew up in.  A big, healthy part of the process is realizing all the lies of the world he lived in before.  Realizing how empty it is and why he’s choosing to follow a different path.  Often, he’s rebelling against his own parents.  Rebelling against everything he learned.
The problem is that most baal teshuvas think that the rebellion ends there.  I felt like that for a while.  I know many others who still feel that way.  They think, “Okay, that world I left was bad, so now I need to fit into this new world as much as possible.”
But there is a problem: the orthodox world, unfortunately, is just as messed up as the “outside”.
Most of us don’t realize this at first because we connected through some outside force, like a Chabad house or a yeshiva in Jerusalem or something else.  And in that world, we lived in our own culture, sheltered from the universe we were about to enter.
But eventually we run into that truth.  We enter the culture and we find out that there are many rabbis that can’t be trusted.  We realize that not everyone is as idealistic as the people who brought us into the fold.  And that perhaps some of the people that brought us into the fold weren’t as great as we thought they were.
In sum: we realize that a culture does not equal truth.

- See more at: http://popchassid.com/baal-teshuvas-rebel-orthodox/#sthash.1CyN3EWS.dpuf

04DecIt’s A Baal Teshuva’s Job To Rebel Against The Orthodox World

When a person, like a baal teshuva, decides to leave his culture and join another, the beginning of the process is one of rebellion against the culture he grew up in.  A big, healthy part of the process is realizing all the lies of the world he lived in before.  Realizing how empty it is and why he’s choosing to follow a different path.  Often, he’s rebelling against his own parents.  Rebelling against everything he learned.
The problem is that most baal teshuvas think that the rebellion ends there.  I felt like that for a while.  I know many others who still feel that way.  They think, “Okay, that world I left was bad, so now I need to fit into this new world as much as possible.”
But there is a problem: the orthodox world, unfortunately, is just as messed up as the “outside”.
Most of us don’t realize this at first because we connected through some outside force, like a Chabad house or a yeshiva in Jerusalem or something else.  And in that world, we lived in our own culture, sheltered from the universe we were about to enter.
But eventually we run into that truth.  We enter the culture and we find out that there are many rabbis that can’t be trusted.  We realize that not everyone is as idealistic as the people who brought us into the fold.  And that perhaps some of the people that brought us into the fold weren’t as great as we thought they were.
In sum: we realize that a culture does not equal truth.

- See more at: http://popchassid.com/baal-teshuvas-rebel-orthodox/#sthash.1CyN3EWS.dpuf

1. Pop Chasid. It's a Baal Teshuva's Job to Rebel Against the Orthodox World, Pop Chasid, December 4, 2013.
2. ibid.
3. Sommer, Alison Kaplan. Haredi Rabbis Ban All-Female Zumba Classes. Haaretz. September 9, 2013.
4. Levin, Joe. 'Zumba makes you a whore’ says US Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein. TOT. December 5, 2013.

Recruiting "Friends" Just for You!

     A university student received the following email from a frum (orthodox) student and passed it on to me. (I have removed any identifying information.) Basically, the outreach rabbi on campus is holding a Shabbos event, and wants to get orthodox students and families involved to take these non-orthodox students under their wings for the purpose of outreach. Notice how the student sending the email describes the rabbi as "the kiruv
Rabbi at University of XXX." That is the function of this rabbi and the reason why he is on this campus. As stated within the body of the letter, these kiruv volunteers will "create relationships" from this "amazing kiruv opportunity." And you thought they genuinely wanted to be your friend! The sad truth is that this whole experience is contrived.

Hi everyone,
For those that don't know Rabbi XXX  is the kiruv Rabbi at University of XXX. He is arranging a Shabbaton on XX/XX/2013, for the secular Jewish students that come to his classes. He is having around 25 students come into the  XXXX area for the Shabbos. I am working with him to have the religious students together with any wives/husbands come and join them for the Shabbaton. This is an amazing kiruv opportunity to create relationships with the other students that will hopefully last throughout your time in college and beyond.
We are in the planning stages right now and in order to plan accordingly we need to know who would be able to join us and for which meals. Please email me if you can come for Friday night and Shalosh Seuodos meals if its free, if it costs a nominal fee or if you can only make it for one of the 2 meals. For anyone not in the XXXX area we can try to find hosts for you if needed.
If you notice any frum jews I missed in this email list feel free to forward them this email or to let me know.
Please try to respond asap so we can plan accordingly.

Thank you,
Looking forward to spending a Shabbos together,
XXXX

     This is the other side of the story. Sure, people who get involved as volunteers in kiruv genuinely believe they're doing a good thing and believe that they're influencing their guests in a positive way. But so do cultists, and missionaries, and the salespeople who give out free dinners in order to get you to buy a timeshare in Florida. None of them are making the invitation because they think you'll make a great friend. They simply think you'll make a great recruit.