The Big Box Charter School

Students wear name tags and
Walmart blue vests

Arkansas - The Walton family of Walmart fame has decided to open their own chain of for-profit charter schools. The first "Big Box Charter School" (BBCS) will be located in Bentonville, Arkansas which also serves as Walmart's corporate headquarters.

BBCS CEO P. Louis Bergoff announced, "Our flagship school will open its doors in August of 2014. As is the Walmart way, we will deliver a quality product while cutting costs. Thereby reaping huge profits for our investors."

Bergoff explained that the school will feature many of the same practices that have made the Walmart Corporation so profitable. "A new teacher can expect to earn $7.50 an hour, while those with experience might earn up to $12.50."

Bergoff admitted that it had been a struggle to attract qualified teachers at those wages. "American workers expect to be compensated fairly and they want things like health insurance so we decided to recruit abroad." All of the staff has been flown in from other countries including China, Haiti and Indonesia and will be housed in trailers behind the school. And since they live on campus, staff will be expected to supervise after-school activities and sports programs for no additional pay.

Bergoff bragged about other cost saving opportunities the school had already uncovered. "For instance, we are saving lots of money on cafeteria aides. Because our teachers qualify for the same free lunch program as their students, we expect them to supervise their students while they eat their government subsidized lunch in the cafeteria."

Asked if the teachers union had objected to the low pay and uncompensated additional duties, Bergoff responded, "Our company, I mean school, is union free. We have an open door policy with our employees and don't feel the need for any go-betweens. Employees can go straight to their supervisors if they have a problem and of course they are always free to seek employment elsewhere if they are unhappy."

What can students expect at the BBCS? According to the literature prepared for interested parents and made available to reporters during the press conference, students will be referred to as "associates" and issued blue vests with their names on name tags. "We think it is good practice for them," smiled Bergoff. Another hallmark of the school will be its "level of efficiency." Page two of a pamphlet describing the school day states, "We expect staff and students to regularly seek and find efficiencies. Students can expect to be timed during daily tasks by their stop watch carrying teachers and teachers can expect the same from their supervisors." Another glaring difference between the BBCS and Arkansas public schools seemed to lie in the school's curriculum which offers some unusual classes for older students such as a history class called, "The Regressive Era: How Unions Ruined America," a science class called, "Evolution Schmevolution" and a math class entitled, "How To Live On A Minimum Wage."

Representing her family, a beaming Alice Walton described the motivation for this undertaking, "For years, the Walton Family Foundation has donated money to support charter schools. Now we feel it's time they support us."

As is the Walmart way, the company/school plans to expand. "Initially we will open only one school but the following year we expect to open ten Big Box Charter Schools and we're shooting for 100 more the year after that," explained Bergoff. One can only hope.

Reality Alert: 

Interested in how we came to write this? Go to: Store Wars and The Walmart 1% and Building Tomorrow's Walmart Workers Today and The Silent Treatment: A Day In The Life Of A Student In 'No Excuses' Land

"No Teachers Will Be Hurt"

This story updates an older one entitled, "Stoning Teachers Raises Some Eyebrows"

WARNING: THIS STORY IS SATIRE. IT IS NOT REAL. IT IS NOT TRUE.  SOME OF YOUR COMMENTS HAVE LED US TO BELIEVE YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS.

August 12, 2012 9:00am EST
"Who would have thought that a concert that was supposed to honor teachers could engender so much controversy?" With these words, a sheepish Les Moonves, CBS President and CEO, began apologizing for his network's support of a concert at which attendees could throw rocks at teachers. At a press conference held yesterday in Los Angeles, CBS's head honcho explained, “We will still broadcast ‘Teachers Rock’ but absolutely no public school teachers will be hurt. Not in jest. Not for fun. Not at all.”

Inundated with complaints from an outraged public, those involved with the production, including corporate monstrosity Walmart, were forced to issue a public apology and cancel the stoning booth which for the cost of one dollar would have allowed participants to “Rock-a-Teacher.”  Among those present for the mea culpa was concert producer Ken Ehrlich. "I guess it wasn't as funny as we thought," he confessed to reporters.

Even before the stoning booth controversy, teachers had criticized the concert, which is a publicity event for a soon-to-be-released movie entitled, "Won't Back Down." Many in the education field see the movie as just one more way to malign public schools. Influential education historian and prolific blogger Diane Ravitch described the film, starring Viola Davis and Jake Gyllenhaal's sister, as a "sneaky push for privatization." Already facing ridicule, how did producers manage to make things worse?

A perosn who attended several production meetings but wishes to remain anonymous, revealed that while discussing vendors for the concert, which included the typical food and tee-shirt hawkers, Walmart and Walden Media representatives suggested having a dunking booth.  Later someone proposed the "dunkee" be a teacher. Our source explained, "Everybody laughed."  The tone in the room began to change rather quickly. “One thing led to another and all of a sudden we were talking about stoning public school teachers. I'm not really sure how it happened. It just got out of hand." However outrageous it sounds now, the idea must have seemed like a good one as no one put a stop to it.

Interestingly, the canceled stoning still has its defenders. "It was supposed to be a joke. They weren't even really stones," explained Paul Anschutz, who financed “Waiting for Superman.” “They were more like pebbles. And all the teachers were going to be paid union wages plus they were allowed to wear helmets."

Michelle Rhee also expressed disappointment over the cancellation. "I was going to drive all the way down from Sacramento for this opportunity. I even had my own rocks."

Reality Alert: 
Interested in how we came to write this? Read Diane Ravitch and Parents Across America twice.

Stoning Teachers Raises Some Eyebrows - with Updates

This story has been UPDATED at "No Teachers Will Be Hurt"

WARNING: THIS STORY IS SATIRE. IT IS NOT REAL. IT IS NOT TRUE.  SOME OF YOUR COMMENTS HAVE LED US TO BELIEVE YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS.

August 9, 2012 2:30pm EST

Los Angeles – When nineteen-year-old Marsha Felton of Santa Monica heard about a concert honoring teachers, she wanted to go. After all her mother Jane is a public school teacher.  This may account for why she was so angry when she came across an on-line advertisement for “Teachers Rock.”  "I couldn't believe what I was reading.  It just seemed wrong.”

What bothered Ms. Felton lies in the fine print at the bottom of the concert promotion. Alongside food and tee-shirt vendors is listed an entertainment booth entitled "Rock-a-Teacher.” Further description reads, “Like an old fashioned dunking booth only better.  Live teachers. Real stones. C’mon, you know you’ve always wanted to.”

Marsha was shocked. “I read it over and over again." She began to spread her rage, as so many do, by sending a Tweet that linked to the advertisement and read, "Teachers Rock=Rocks@Teachers.”

Almost as quick as you can say, “publicity gaffe,” Randi Weingarten, President of the American Federation of Teachers, began to rally her troops.  "This is outrageous!" was the opening salvo in a daunting and unrelenting number of emails sent from Weingarten's Twitter account complaining about the planned stoning. Concert producers Walmart and Walden Media and CBS, which is supposed to broadcast the concert later this month, have been swamped with vitriolic communications from labor leaders and their constituents demanding the booth be removed.  “I will nevr by yr resnbly priced scool supplies again,” threatened @CheapTechr in a Tweet directed at Walmart.

While no decision has been made about the fate of the booth, CBS, Walmart and Walden Media issued a joint statement, which read, “The matter is currently under examination.”
-----

Update: Stars Threaten to Walk
August 10, 2012 9:00am EST
Los Angeles - TMZ is reporting that several stars scheduled to appear at the "Teachers Rock" concert have threatened to pull out if teachers are actually rocked.  According to TMZ sources, Leslee Dart, Meryl Streep's publicist, made a fury-filled phone call to CBS, which is scheduled to record and broadcast the concert later this month.  She is quoted as screaming at CBS President and CEO Les Moonves, "Meryl's in a god damn union for Christ's sake.  She has to work with Teamsters.  Damn right she wants this rectified."  No word yet on Moonves' reaction.  

Also unhappy about the "sport" of stoning teachers is Josh Groban.  People magazine is reporting that Groban expressed his concerns to Walmart and Walden Media producers after getting an earful from his art teacher mom. According to sources close to the star, Groban's mother is angry about more than just the stoning booth. She objects to the entire event which is a publicity vehicle for the movie "Don't Give Up." "I don't want you lending your time and talents to a movie that glorifies yet another way to turn public schools over to charter chains," Lindy Groban is reported as saying. "They can call it whatever they want, but this concert is not about honoring teachers. It's being put together by the same people who did 'Waiting for Superman.'"
---------


Update: No Rocks Allowed
August 10, 2012 4:35pm EST
Los Angeles - Well that didn't take long.  After receiving hundreds of thousands of phone calls, emails, on-line petitions and tweets, the concert producers of "Teachers Rock" waved the white flag.  Through a Walden Media and Walmart spokesperson, it was announced moments ago that the Rock-a-Teacher booth will no longer be a part of the concert event.  Reading from a prepared statement, the spokesperson said, "No teachers will be harmed during the concert.  Not in a booth. Not by a youth. Not in the parking lot.  Not by an angry tot.  Not here. Not there. Not anywhere."

Les Moonves, President and CEO of CBS, is expected to issue a formal apology tomorrow.


Reality Alert: 
Interested in how we came to write this? Read Diane Ravitch and Parents Across America twice.