Silencing the Toad

I don't know what's up, but the last couple of weeks I've been fighting off some feelings of discouragement.  Now, don't be alarmed.  Thankfully, it's been over a year now since I got my meds adjusted and was able to leave a 2 year depression behind.  I'm not depressed like that (and so thankful!)  But, sometimes, every once in a while, despite how ridiculously BLESSED I am, I get a little discouraged.

I have dreams.  I think most people have dreams.  Some people are actively living theirs, others are working toward them, some are just aware, and a few may not even know of them.  But they are there.  Dreams are there, buried deep, deep in the innermost tiny back closet of one's heart.  They may be locked so tightly and bound with the strongest chains, but they DO exist.  To dream is to be human.  If not for hoping for something better for ourselves, our families, our world, then there would be little point in existence.

Garelito Photos

So, even though I used to actively try NOT to dream (it was too disappointing to do so), over the last several years I've allowed myself to believe a little bit again.  Bullied by life's rough school of knocks, I learned to armor myself against the hurt of failure, disappointment, and loss.  I didn't have the tools to handle these feelings that seemed an ever-present reality.  But now, now I've grown some.  I have a loving and kind husband who teaches me that there IS a reason to hold out hope - despite whatever odds one may feel she is facing.  I have been blessed with kind and caring friends who have helped open my heart to art, and in doing so have inadvertently opened a door of vulnerability and rawness - both of which are necessary (in my humble opinion) to live creatively.   Now, though I still struggle and am far from where I'd like to be, I have more coping skills for dealing with those failures, disappointments, and losses.  Part of living a creative life (though admittedly, only part time), means learning to love the beauty in nearly everything; learning to accept flaws as part of the completed project, and having joy in the creation rather than just the finished product.  That doesn't apply to just art itself, but the very essence of living.  I have learned to be a little more gentle with myself, to accept my weaknesses.  No, not just accept them -but almost embrace them - for they make me who I am, for better or worse.

All that being said, I've still been fighting off discouragement.  I feel alone in so many ways.  I want to have a child(ren) someday.  I'm 38 and I may not get to.  I may even get too old to adopt a child.  And, even if I did/do, I'm going to be in SUCH a different place than my peers.  Most people my age have children in at least their teens, and some even entering college this year.  I haven't even begun.  If I adopt by the time I'm 40, I'll be nearly 60 by the time that child is graduating high school.  Imagine a 50 year old at "Mom's Club" with a bunch of early twenty to thirty year-olds.  I'm going to be the oddball, just as I am now.

Bernadette Darnell

I feel alone because most of my friends have families that take up the majority of their time.  I understand and heartily agree that family comes first.  But, at the same time, I often feel like they are too busy with their lives to have time for me.  I love my husband, but he is quite the introvert and I often seek outside friendships to help fill the conversational void.  Besides, even the best husband can't do what a good girlfriend or two can.  It's a special bond that women share.

Because I am outgoing (more extroverted by nature), I tend to be the one to invite others and get the ball rolling.  I'm the planner, the organizer.  I get it.  If you're introverted, planning a get-together is akin to getting a tooth pulled.  I try to remember that.  But sometimes, especially lately for some reason, I just want someone else to put forth the effort.  I don't want to be the one who always initiates things.  I want to feel like others want to have ME in THEIR lives.  But again, because my dreams are slow to fruition, I'm in a different place than them, and I can't fault them their busy-ness.  I would likely be the same, if I were a mother.

Bernadette Darnell

So, that's where I am.  I'm backwards from my peers.  It gets lonely sometimes.  Discouragement knocks.  But, I must use the tools I've tried to develop to fight back - to remember that I DO matter, if to no one else, at least to my husband.  I know it'll get better.  It's just a temporary feeling.  My happiness and zest will come back to me soon.  I'm HOPING, anyway.  Because, that's who I am now - I'm a person who hopes and dreams.  I have unlocked my heart and I will push away the doubts and fears and keep trying to live a creative life, complete with blemishes, mess-ups, re-dos.  One day my life's work may be the beautiful piece I envision it can be.

p.s.  To those who read my blog - this is not an attempt to garner sympathy or "Oh, but we do love you"s.  The blogging is for me to be REAL and PRESENT.  It's for me - part of MY way of living a creative life.

I Live and Love With My Whole Heart -- And It's Okay!

I had a great conversation with my husband, Lloyd, this evening.  Lloyd is one of the most loving and generous men I've ever known.  I'm so thankful to be married to him and love him deeply.  I feel like he's my greatest blessing from a Heavenly Father who loves me.  That being said, it doesn't mean that we never struggle. Face it, if you're married to a man, there WILL be struggles at times.  No sexism intended.  Well, okay, maybe just a little...  Men and women, as we all know, are just "wired" differently.  In general, men are not the "communicators" that women seem inherently born to be.

Sometimes I get frustrated with Lloyd because he keeps a lot inside.  A third of that is that he's an introvert by nature.  Another 33% of it is that he is an only child and the majority of his "conversations" in life are between the characters in the books he reads.  The remaining half is that he's just a man--a man who believes it is his sacred duty to "protect" his wife from all hardship and pain.  So, inevitably, he doesn't communicate to me the way I would like him to and that results in frustration and my feelings getting hurt at times.  Now, if you know me at all, you know I'm a sensitive soul.  It isn't necessarily the hardest thing in the world to wound me emotionally.  I own that.  (Don't, however, label me as "moody" because I view that as a negative word tactless people throw out to absolve themselves of wrongdoing rather than seeking forgiveness for their lack of sensitivity.)  However, the good thing about me is that I am a communicator.  If my feelings are injured, and I care enough about the other person to even bother, I will tell him what I'm feeling and we can talk things out.  Another good thing about me is that I'm very empathetic and I don't hold grudges very well.  Once I start talking with said person, I usually come to understand why he said X thing and my empathy kicks in until I'm no longer hurt.  I now UNDERSTAND and that's usually all it takes (although, admittedly, a sincere apology always helps speed the enlightenment and healing.)

Over the last couple of days Lloyd and I have had a few "misunderstandings".  A large part of it is probably due to my having cabin fever (couped up inside due to icy roads and poor weather conditions).  Another part is likely a result of the pressure of his job right now.  Tonight came the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back" , but thankfully we were able to take some time to sit down and talk things out.

I'm so blessed to have a husband who cares about communication.  Lloyd was married before.  He explains that he and his former wife had very poor communication and that was part of their marital problems.  He vowed that if he ever fell in love again, before deciding to remarry, he would be sure that the object of his affection would be a good communicator.  He knew he wasn't inherently the best at communicating, but recognized the importance of it in relationships, especially marriage.  During our whirlwind courtship (we met and were married within the course of 8 months--and would've married sooner had it been possible), situations arose that were challenging.  He said he knew he loved me the first time one such situation arose and we worked through it together honestly and openly.  We're on our 7th year of marriage now and we still try to always maintain that standard in resolving conflicts or other challenges.  We're not perfect, but we try.

I intermittently follow a psychologist online, Dr. Brene Brown, PhD.  I have a couple of her books and the things she talks about really make sense to me.  The quote of the week on her blog is by C.S. Lewis and couldn't be more applicable to what I am feeling this weekend in my relationship with my husband.  It is equally valuable for me to remember in all of life's relationships.

I grew up in a family where I felt that being openly loving, vulnerable, and honest were wrong.  When I was being myself, inevitably, it caused problems.  Ergo, throughout the course of my adult life, I've tried unsuccessfully over and over to close my heart so it wouldn't get hurt. But, because of who I was born to be, I've yet to be fully able to accomplish the task.

Morgan Weistling - The Promise

Now, I'm trying to learn that for me, success is about being vulnerable--about loving fully and freely, in spite of the pain that inevitably accompanies such love.  It hurts so much at times and I cry bigger crocodile tears than anyone I know.  But, I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that this is a good thing.  It's good to be who I am.  Being "sensitive" is ok.  It's better than ok.  Being sensitive and vulnerable, in my mind anyway, means that I'm attempting to be more Christlike.  We know from The Bible that Christ was perfect in his love for others (John 15:3).  We also know from the book of Isaiah, that he has felt our pain and borne our sorrows (Isaiah 53:4).   If we are to emulate Christ and live his example, then shouldn't we, too, be willing to open our hearts, even if it means that at times we will experience pain by so doing?  I think it does.

Hand in Hand - Greg Olsen

When feelings are hurt or I feel alone or unloved, I'm going to try to remember that this is okay.  It's part of being a loving and vulnerable being--even part of trying to follow the Savior's example.  I shouldn't fear the pain that inexorably will at times accompany being a loving and vulnerable person.  Perfect love casteth out fear (1 John 4:18).  If I continue to try to live openly with my whole heart , then my fear of being hurt should diminish.  Sadness and sorrow should turn to joy.  Who wants their heart in a casket anyway?