It's Not Easy Bein' Mean: Part 7

In response to The British Correspondent’s obscene misuse and abuse of this blog over the past week, I, the Intern, have confiscated all control from him. Furthermore, I have taken over—at least temporarily—his article series on Muppet villains. Thankfully, Ryan will be returning soon, and everything will be back to … I would say “normal,” but that word should never be used to describe anything related to the Muppets.

Sesame Street Saturday / It's Not Easy Bein' Mean: Part 7

Lisa Alexander - Sesame Street’s first feature film, Follow That Bird, has at least three groups of characters that could be considered “bad guys”; Miss Finch of the Feathered Friends, the Dodos, and the Sleaze Brothers.

The Dodos are the dim-witted foster family Big Bird is assigned to. They’re not so much evil as they are dumb. Granted, they’re not terribly loving or welcoming for poor Big Bird, and they do forbid him from seeing Snuffleupagus on the basis that his friends should be birds, but they don’t mean any harm; they just don’t know any better. Between that and the fact that they’re only in the movie for about fifteen minutes, I don’t really consider them to be the bad guys. They’re more like glorified plot exposition. So with that, we move on to the real villains of the film.

MISS FINCH

Miss Finch is the social worker (of sorts) who places Big Bird with the Dodo family so that he can be with his own kind. Then, when he runs away, she chases him—first to bring him back to the Dodos, and then to find another bird family for him. (She apparently realizes at some point that the Dodos aren’t a good fit for Big Bird.)

Our BC is right in pointing out that Muppet villains are often a warped reflection of the Muppets. When the news breaks that Big Bird has run away from the Dodos and is walking back to Sesame Street, all of Sesame Street immediately comes together to form search parties and go find him, and the audience cheers them on. When Miss Finch hears that Big Bird has run away, she immediately gets in her car to find him and bring him home, and the audience frets. But hold it, audience—isn’t Miss Finch doing the same thing as Sesame Street?

Think about it. Surely, Miss Finch has things to do with her time. Aren’t there other stray birds she needs to place? Yes, she’s probably obligated to check in on Big Bird, but in a situation like this I would think all she really needs to do is keep an eye on the police investigation. (That is, if the police were involved, which they don’t seem to be, because that would get in the way of our heroes.) Instead, she drops everything to search for Big Bird, just like everyone on Sesame Street does.

At the end of the movie, Miss Finch says to the residents of Sesame Street, “You DID go to look for him, so that MUST mean you care.” Shouldn’t the same logic apply to her?

But that’s much too cut-and-dry for one of these articles. Let’s dig deeper.

Miss Finch has tunnel vision for most of the movie. Birds must be with birds. No real reason is given for WHY birds must be with birds; that’s just the way it is. By her logic (and the logic of the Feathered Friends), Big Bird can’t possibly be happy on Sesame Street, because he’s not with any other birds.

Yet Miss Finch doesn’t seem to have much of a support group of her own. She has a nice big car to drive around in, but she’s the only one in it. The Feathered Friends we see at the beginning of the movie never seem to talk to Miss Finch, and are then never seen again. (Except for the owl who thinks Big Bird looks happy. He turned into Hoots and moved to the Street.) If she’s so dedicated to birds being with their own kind, then why is she all alone?

Here’s my theory, which you are all invited to disagree with: Miss Finch grew up without a family as the only bird in town, and was bullied endlessly by the other kids. As an adult, she probably had trouble finding employment for similar reasons. As a complete outcast, she surely longed for someone as feathered as she was.

Then she stumbled upon the Feathered Friends, who respectfully treated her as an equal. Maybe they didn’t welcome her with open wings, but they didn’t chase her out the door, either, and that was new to her. She therefore became convinced, based on her own bad experience, that birds can only be happy with other birds. She started placing stray birds in good bird homes, hoping that ending their loneliness would somehow also end hers.

She might feel an extra connection with Big Bird, who has no other birds around him, and she assumes he is bullied and mistreated as much as she was. Why she feels compelled to place him with the Dodos, I have no idea, but aside from that she seems to go out of her way for him.

What makes most villains so villainous is that, when given the option to change their ways, they don’t. Miss Finch is different. When she wants to try once more to place Big Bird in a new bird home, she gets a lecture on acceptance and diversity from Sesame Street. (“We have ALL kinds!”) Seeing that everyone on the Street is happy, and that they care about each other, Miss Finch realizes that not all friends need to be feathered. It’s a happy ending for everyone, with the exception of…

THE SLEAZE BROTHERS

These guys are actually evil. Sam and Sid Sleaze run a traveling unfair fun fair, featuring such attractions as an invisible gorilla and a rigged dart game. They randomly decide to charge double for a round-trip ride on the Ferris wheel, and they steal an apple from a kid. Then they ALSO decide to follow Big Bird, but while everyone else wants to bring Big Bird home, the Sleaze Brothers want to kidnap him and make him into their next big money-maker.

But we shouldn’t just lump these two together. They are two very distinct characters, even if you’re not sure which is Sam and which is Sid.

Sam is the relatively smart one. He does all the planning, driving, and money-counting. Sid prints flyers, runs the Ferris wheel, blows up balloons, gets bullied by his brother, and dreams about the Wizard of Oz. Is one more evil than the other? Yup. Sam is definitely the head villain. Does that mean Sid innocent? Nope. He revels in the villainy his brother instigates.

Sam is motivated by money, money, and money. He also likes to break the rules, which explains the whole villain thing, and he doesn’t like to use his brain. Sid is motivated by the fact that if he doesn’t do what Sam says, he’ll probably get beat up. Yes, Sam is a bully. He’s also the kind of character that makes me glad I don’t have any brothers.

These are the real bad guys of the film. I would do an in-depth analysis of them, but to be honest, depth is hard to find with these guys. I would guess that for one reason or another, their parents aren’t around anymore. As kids, Sam probably defended Sid on the playground, only to beat him up at home for starting trouble. Sid has never grown out of the younger-sibling phase of living for the older sibling’s approval, so he assumes he’s happy following Sam’s lead. He’s a little too dense to figure out that he could choose his own path, but at the end of the movie we do get a hint that he knows he’s not REALLY happy with the bad-boy life. “But I don’t WANNA be a man!” he sobs to the state trooper who’s about to arrest him. He’ll probably go on to cry his way to a light sentence.

Ruthlessness: 9 (They made Big Bird cry! The only thing keeping them from a 10 is that Sid cried, too. Twice.)

Sidekick: 8 (Sid treads a fine line between being a sidekick and being a co-villain. He’s a great sidekick, but the Sleaze Brothers tend to be lumped into one entity, so is he really a sidekick? Stop me before I make myself dizzy here.)

Evil Appearance: 5 (All points exclusively awarded to Sam’s hat and his general disgustingness when Linda is sneaking the keys away from him. Sid’s hat cancelled out all other possible points. I mean, a baseball cap? Really? What’s evil about a baseball cap?)

Talking the talk: 7 (Sam’s shouting is evil enough, although it’s almost exclusively directed at Sid. Points deducted for Sid sleep-talking about Toto. Points added for Sam barking at a couple of kids to scare them away from Big Bird.)

Likability: 5 (Sid is likeable. Sam is not. The score is out of ten, so divide by two, and there you go.)

Returnability: 4 (Sid could potentially show up selling balloons or something. Sam is getting locked away for life, thank you, and if he does somehow get out, his next scheme probably won’t cross paths with Sesame Street.)

Likelihood to Create an Infomercial for Completely Useless Products: 10 (Call now, and they’ll throw in the invisible rubber wrench ABSOLUTELY FREE!)









The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier

Muppet Comic Mondays: Not Easy Being Mean

S.O.S.

Help. When I originally signed the contract to take over the blog for a week, I thought it would be fun. Particularly as it meant that I got to spend the week at Ryan’s house...although maybe he didn’t realise that was in the small print. (Ryan...it’s NOT true that I accidently broke that vase...it was like that when I got here. I promise!)

But now my regular column has gotten jealous and locked me in a small box with only a laptop for company. Who knew a column about the Muppet Villains would develop a villainy of its own?

The column is taking over and I don’t know how to stop it!

Please send help!

- T.B.C.

P.S. I'm writing this message on the back of a photo postcard I received today from the Ryan in Disney...He wanted to add that he has arrived safely and that he is planning to pack the Live Sweetums from the Vision 3D experience into his suitcase to bring back with him...(Okay, I made up that last part, but shh!)

Muppet Comic Mean-days

The Treasure of Pegleg Wilson

So, all my Muppet Villain columns have spent a considerable amount of time (and money...hey, copy-editors don’t pay for themselves) suggesting that all the Muppet Villains are so brilliantly designed and played because at their heart (if they have hearts) they reflect an important truth about the Muppets. Doc Hopper, for example, reflected the Muppets' drive but drove himself in the wrong direction (maybe because he didn’t take a correspondence course?). Ed reflected Gonzo’s unique loneliness, and Nicky reflected Miss Piggy’s motivations. But there is one villain who reflects the Muppets in a way that no villain has before. His name is Kismet the Toad, and he’s an exact replica of our beloved frog.

Kismet the Toad appears in the Muppet Show Comic Book: The Treasure of Peg-leg Wilson as the main villain (accompanied by some Dwarves and a Genie, or some such hysterical nonsense). Aside from wearing a big coat and dark-glasses, Kismet is a picture-perfect image of Kermit the Frog (literally picture-perfect...these are perfect pictures from Roger Langridge we are talking about here).

In fact, the only real difference between them is that he’s evil. And not just because he called Scooter a sweaty orange dude. Kismet the Toad is a no-nonsense con-man and sets out from the start to trick everyone into believing he’s the real Kermit, and even once Scooter the Boy Detective has uncovered this secret, Kismet continues to con those around him by persuading Miss Piggy he loves her...and that he would love to see her wearing all her jewels.

Kismet also struck up a deal with Rizzo the Rat, who was searching the Theatre for buried treasure, but when Rizzo realised that he was tearing down his own home, Kismet refused to end their partnership.

Although Kimset turned out to be quite an accomplished singer and dancer, he got his comeuppance in the end...and ending which involved fake diamonds, a robot Piggy in a sailor outfit and a pig policemen. (Oh! I literally JUST got that joke...a pig is the policeman. Haha! *ahem*).

Kismet may have been almost identical to Kermit in looks – but the Toad was utterly unlike the Frog in character.

Ruthlessness: 7 (Kismet used Muppet Rats to accomplish his own evil plans...but if anyone is going to scheme and sneak about the theatre looking for ways to make money...it should be the Rats themselves!)

Sidekick: 4 (Kismet didn’t have a specific sidekick, but made good use of Rizzo, some out-of-work Dwarves and a Rumplestiltskin lookalike!)

Evil appearance: 0 (Hey! There’s nothing evil-looking about Kermit the Frog!)

Talking the talk: 10 (Kismet gets tons of extra points for calling Scooter the sweaty orange guy!)

Likability: 2 (Despite having a rather good sense of humour, there’s little to like about this slimy toad.)

Returnability: 10 (I’d love to see this charlatan return to the Muppet comic books. I could see him reappearing in a story where he could cause endless love-tangles between himself and Miss Piggy. Just don’t tell her it was my idea...)

Likelihood to look just like you plus a coat and dark glasses: 10 (Actually I made rather good use of a lookalike agency myself recently...my column has no idea that it’s actually locked up my dark-glasses wearing lookalike in a small box instead of me while I remain on the loose raiding cold chicken-wings from Ryan’s fridge. HA! See ya tomorrow. - T.B.C.)








The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier

It's Not Easy Being Mean, Part 5

The British Correspondent - Personally, I love to hate my Muppet villains just as I love to hate my coffee: a latte. One of the things that I love to hate most is that the Muppet villains are often many-layered and, having removed the lid of the cappuccino cup, you’ll find it contains many layers, much as a hot chocolate contains a layer of marshmallows, a layer of spray-cream, and thick layers of chocolate and steamed milk. (Note: I may be mixing up my drink metaphors. But what can I say, I’m writing this from a Costa Coffee in an undisclosed location within the United Kingdom, hoping to avoid detection by my agent so they won’t realise my deadline date went whooshing by weeks ago.)

Now, as with most drinks, what you get out of character analysis is related to what you put into it (Much as dried leaves in hot water, generally leads to tea...sometimes just leads to soggy leaves). Character analysis can be influenced by how you read the character, how you see their experiences through your own eyes, and what meaning the character traits bring to you. Whether the original actor intended a certain character trait to reveal something of their character, or whether they just tried not to laugh after the director shouted, “Action” is up to you to decide.

With that in mind, here is my deep and thoughtful (and caffeinated) musings on Ms Rachel Bitterman. If you have your own theories as to why she is the way she is, please feel free to send them to me at the address below:

The British Correspondent,
Undisclosed Coffee Shop,
Nondescript British High Street,
Britain, UK

Ms Rachel Bitterman (It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie)
Many of the Muppet Villains are given a slow-burn to villainy. Doc Hopper, for example, starts out as a humble sales-frog in a green costume with some rather snazzy opera-glasses. Nicky Holiday appears as a charming sibling...and even gets to help a brownie across the road (or visa versa) early on in the movie before later turning evil and pulling a gun on our frog. Even the shady talent manager from The Muppets Take Manhattan agreed to put on their show...right before trying to scam them outta their money. But Ms Bitterman isn’t given this treatment, instead the effects of her devilry are demonstrated from the start with Kermit (yes, KERMIT) suffering from a serious case of the upsets, Fozzie sighing sadly, Miss Piggy being shrugged off and Johnny not truly appreciating Sal’s solid gold record player. (Okay, that last one wasn’t really her fault.) The point is, before we’ve even met the woman, we pretty much despise her for what she has done to our friends...

Perhaps if the story was told in a linear fashion, she’d have been given more of a fighting chance?

Perhaps not.

From the moment she steps onto the scene, she appears to hold the Muppets in contempt, referring to them as Muffins. But, let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she greets each and every one of her clients as breakfast carbohydrate based food products, she still only gets about ten seconds to introduce herself, before once again her contempt snakes across the screen as she glibly informs the Muppets that their former banker, Mr Bitterman, is dead.

We never find out exactly what relationship this fellow has to Rachel (for the purpose of this article we are assuming father) but her deadpan expression upon announcing her bereavement and subsequent segue into payment details on the theatre or foreclosure suggest that whoever he was, she didn’t care for him all that much.

And so it continues, every sentence that pours from the woman’s lips simply aches with contempt and utter lack of regard for dreams or imagination – except that one moment when she accidentally lets slip the line about being the queen of a Polynesian tribe.

Now, here’s where we deviate from straight facts and I start speculating heavily. As I watch Ms Bitterman talking, I feel as though it is not her speaking. I mean, obviously, she’s speaking...but I don’t feel that it comes from the core of herself but rather the lines seem forced and rehearsed and said with utter contempt – not just for the Muppets but also for the words she is speaking. I’d like to invite you to imagine a scene, don’t worry, we’ll have a little fun with it.

Imagine a young Rachel (let’s imagine her played by Rachel McAddams, shall we?). Now let yourself imagine her as punk rocker with the leather studs, purple hair...in short, one of the pierced and tattooed rave monkey she appears to loathe so much. (See, I told you it would be fun.) Imagine she’s the lead singer of a punk rock band, staying out one Christmas Eve at her biggest gig yet...while at home her parents wait up disapprovingly for her to return by Midnight for ‘Family Christmas’. It’s funny how one day can mean so many different things. Finally, she returns home filled with the hopes and dreams and stardust that comes from having a band, determined to make it to the big time.

I imagine her parents would have acted fast and hard to remove any such dream from her mind, reminding her that she cannot work for stardust and that you cannot eat a dream, you cannot sell a dream. After they had told her this time after time, eventually, she gave up her dream of becoming a punk-rock goddess of the stage and sufficed herself with becoming an accountant. What’s more, having suffered under those guiding principles of harsh reality and contempt for dreams, she clearly began to pass that contempt on to others, inflicting on them what she felt herself.

Now go back to the beginning of the story...Her father, who would never invest in her dreams, has given the Muppets plenty of time to pay off their debts, investing in their dreams. He then dies, and Rachel (probably already a partner in the firm) takes over the company. Why shouldn’t she take that moment to go smash up someone else’s party?

I know what you’re thinking, is the point of this article series just to give the Villains an excuse to act the way they do? NO. I’m trying to understand their motivation, but a motivation is certainly not an excuse. Rachel...poor little Rachel...still had a choice, she still could have stood by what she wanted to do and she could certainly have stopped the loop by not crushing the dreams of others the way that her own were crushed.

She’s even given a moment for redemption right at the last minute when Bunsen suggests that she invest in the theatre and make it the best Christmas ever! But even this, she rejects...determined to follow her villainy through to its ultimate, lonely, bitter end.

Ruthlessness: 8 (Rachel was the only villain to really make Kermit give up on his dream... Where Doc Hopper tried to stop him, Rachel succeeded. Where Nicky tried to separate Piggy and Kermit, Rachel succeeded.)
Sidekick: 6 (Pepe played an important part as her sidekick, having been lured away by the fact ‘she is hawt, h’okay!’ and I would give him a 10, but her other sidekick was the employee she took home to decorate her tree, and he brought the side-kick rating down to 6.)
Evil appearance: 8 (Deliciously devilish in her pouty sexiness...she lured Pepe away and is an expert at the cats’bum lip pout so we’ll give her an 8 for that.)
Talking the talk: 10 (She gets high points for calling the Muppets ‘Muffins’ and for screaming and shouting! Plus, she paused halfway through the movie to effectively say, “I’d have thought you’d have figured out by now that I’m the bad guy...”)
Likability: 4 (She’s funny, and interesting, but there’s nothing really very likable to her character. I don’t think you’d want to share a cup of coffee with this woman...which reminds me...I left that coffee shop in such a hurry earlier after seeing someone who looked rather like my agent passing by and am now typing this quickly from the bus-stop...I probably should have paid before I left...)
Returnability: 6 (I’m sure she could have something interesting to add in another encounter with the Muppets, but once again I feel as though her story has fully told.)
Likelihood to offer you a rather nifty Christmas bonus: 10 (I offered my agent a Christmas bonus once, but that still hasn’t let me off the hook. I better mail this in before the #14 bus arrives.)

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier

It's Not Easy Being Mean, Part 4

From the files of C.O.V.N.E.T. (Cleverly disguised as environmentally friendly paper.)

Agent: K. Edgar Singer
First name: K.
Last Name: Edgar
Occupation: Singer. (Note from Payroll: Are we certain this form has been correctly filled out?)

History: Little is known of K.’s background. He was certainly born at some stage. It has been surmised that as a child his friends used to laugh at him. His family has a history of male-pattern baldness. (Note from Morale: Can we get him to play Lex Luthor in the company musical -- Superman vs. C.O.V.N.E.T where C.O.V.N.E.T. wins?)

Psychometric readings: From an extensive study of K’s attitudes, beliefs and actions we have reached several possible conclusions. (Note: We have CCTV footage of his platinum buns workout if that’s needed for the staff party.) Our conclusions are as follows:

• A. Agent K has a deeply ingrained need to prove himself to his superiors, particularly General Luft. It has been bandied around the Psych rooms that he may see Luft as a father figure and may be compensating for either having lost his father as a child, having lost his hair as a child or his father having laughed at him at some stage in the past.
• B. It is clear that Agent K has a very personal stake in the seeking of aliens and we have considered the possibility that he may have seen something in the sky when he was a child, leaving him to feel completely alone on this earth. Especially as it is unlikely that his friends, family or teachers believed him if and when he told them of this encounter. The use of white rubber gloves when touching supposed alien creatures is very telling in this regard.
• C. is for Cookie, that’s good enough for me. (Note from Lunar Team: Has anyone seen the moon recently?)
• D. Agent K appears to be seeking a place in this world in which he can fit in, much reflecting the attitude shown by the alien classified GZO.

Notes from Dr Tucker: Although no one knows why I have a lab-rat facility tucked under the C.O.V.N.E.T. building I do have some thoughts on the behaviour of K. His treatment of the rat classified RZO was considerably heartless, treating the rodent as simply some sort of pest to be brushed away – though in my honest opinion they are pests to be flattened, spun, twisted, tricked and THEN brushed away. This act alone should classify K as semi-evil. (Note from Kitchens: Why DO we have a lab-rat facility tucked under the C.O.V.N.E.T. building and is this where our entire cheese budget is being diverted to?)

Letter from HMO:
To whom in may concern at C.O.V.N.E.T.,
We have recently received a claim filed under the name of patient GZO for a brain-removal procedure operated by Dr Phil van Neuter.

Contrary to the claims presented by Dr van Neuter, our HMO cover does not include brain-removal and we will not be paying for this treatment. We would also be interested to know what exactly you had hoped to do with the brain. (Note from the Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky—try to take over the world.)

Thank you for your time.

Note from Mr Jumbo’s Circus Town and Wild Animal Review: We were told there may be an option to pick up a bear from your facility. Can you please contact us at your earliest convenience to provide further details? (Note from PETA: Where can we find this Wild Animal show?)

Note from co-worker, Rentro: I didn’t overhear anything. Oh! And is this paper recyclable? Because I maybe just spilled meatballs on it and it may have to go through the rinse cycle at the Laundromat. Sorry about that.

Dialogue intercepted during routine maintenance checks of radio malfunctions: “We are honoured to meet you.” “A most extraordinary performance.” “Oh, what are you talking about?” “Gonzo of Earth, who is this most entertaining friend of yours?” “That’s Ed.” “Hi, Ed.” “Hello, Ed.” “The cape!” “The cape for Ed!” “Ed, because of your comic instincts, we have chosen you as ambassador to our planet.” (Note from Human Resources: I thought his name was K? Also, does anyone know what the T in James T. Kirk stands for?)

Note from a sandwich: When I met Ed, briefly, during lunch, he seemed to be rocking on the edge of craziness – what with the brain removal and the spirals and all – however, having later met him in person (having channelled my voice through the toupee back home on our planet) he appeared to have been merely seeking acceptance and a place to fit in. It’s possible he was just doing this in the wrong way, much as people who put Jam into the sandwich first and then peanut butter are doing that all backwards. Does this excuse him for crimes committed previously? Maybe not. It’s hardly my place to comment. I’m just a sandwich. Oh, and go ahead and eat me now. I’m going away. (Note from Admin: Can we please stop taking official statements from food?)

In conclusion:
Ruthlessness: 8. (He sent rat designated RZO to the lab and was prepared to remove alien designated GZO’s brain and to shoot at aliens designated ALIENS.)
Sidekick: 10 (Co-worker designated RNTRO provided agent K with the kind of assistance he neither wanted nor needed – designated HUMOUR – but RNTRO later proved himself by making up a song about jalapenos for the company musical: Jalapenos vs. C.O.V.N.E.T. where C.O.V.N.E.T.wins)
Evil appearance: 5 (He was designated BALD and having weird neck wrinkles.)
Talking the talk: 8 (For screaming Don’t Laugh At Me, and for providing interesting insights through his evil monologueing.)
Likability: 7 (Agent K was likeable in the sort of way that you like your binman.)
Returnability: 3 (C.O.V.N.E.T. receives a postcard every few lightyears and Agent K has no intention of returning to Earth, especially Kansas.)
Likelihood to twist his neck weirdly while talking to you: 10

Confidentiality Note from Editor: Please ensure that these files do not somehow wind up on an internet fan site. And if they do, be aware that any or all facts presented may be completely made up.

This file will self destruct in 13 seconds.

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier

It's Not Easy Being Mean, Part 3

It's Not Easy Being Mean, Part 3

British Correspondent - The Muppets have had to deal with bankruptcy, bad weather, fumigation, and both being eaten as well as eating some fairly dubious looking food. However, above all these advisories, it is the human villains that cause the greatest danger to the Muppets -- dangers, not only physical, but also of temptation, or losing themselves or selling out.

Martin Price (I thought his name was Murray?)
Of all the Muppet villains, the one which we know the least about is Martin ‘Murray Plotzki’ Price. He shows up in The Muppets Take Manhattan as the first of a long line of Hollywood producers who turn away the Muppets in their search for more singing and dancing and making people happy. Interested, instead, in making money, Martin P. (not Robinson) is a conman and a schemer and has a mildly evil looking mustache.

Kermit and gang come upon this guy on what appears to be a quiet day at the office. Gates McFadden is being secretarial (yes, she off of Star Trek--you know, the one that wasn’t the one who wore the catsuit) and sends the frog with a musical on through to meet her boss, Martin. Here he sits in an office with nice upholstery and trophies looking every bit the major Broadway producer–even down to the Ahab the Musical poster on the back wall (yes, the musical about the whale guy that wasn’t Jonah). And although he and Kermit have creative difficulties (songs AND dances....no cops, no shootings, certainly no car chases...) it seems as though Kermit’s pitch has gotten through because Martin smells a hit! However, the Muppets smell something else... a scam (hey, don’t blame the dog). Martin’s asking for $300 apiece from them, and, frankly, he should probably just receive 30 pieces of silver because his next act was sure to be betraying them.

Before he gets a chance to do this, however, he’s ever so politely interrupted by the lovely McFadden who informs him there are two policemen outside... and an old woman whose life savings he scammed out of her. Some chicken strangling, weirdo bravery, drummer ankling and a random ladder later and Murray is taken away by the police, leaving the Muppets to continue their search for a caring producer in the cut-throat world of Broadway.

Now, I know what you are thinking...Martin Price was onscreen for less than ten minutes right at the start of the movie, surely he doesn’t make the cut when it comes to Muppet villains... Am I also going to include the shaving guy, the burger man and the guy that stole Piggy’s purse? No, no... And here’s my reasoning: Martin is worth highlighting as the villain of the piece because he reflects the kind of person into which Kermit could have changed. Can I get a collective gasp of horror?

You see, for a moment, Kermit and Martin weren’t all that different. In order to break into Broadway, Kermit was determined to do anything (hey, he even read up on it and made a three part plan!). Kermit changed his appearance, donning gold chains, an afro, and a pink shirt (SALMON!). He lied, breezing into the office of Lenny Winesop and jumping on the desk with his script and his speech. He was prepared to use fraud, putting his picture on the wall at the restaurant and sending out rats with a whisper campaign. He even grew a mustache! All in all, he really was living up to the phrase, ‘If you can’t beat them, join them.’

But, unlike Martin, Kermit didn’t allow this lapse of judgment to take over his life. He was so unlike the evil producer in many more ways than they were similar. Kermit wasn’t doing this for profit; he was doing it for his friends. It wasn’t even his idea to come to New York in the first place! His motives were pure...even if his methods left him feeling uneasy. And they certainly did. Sitting in the park, Kermit admitted he felt like a phony and realised he couldn’t do it anymore. His friends were important, the show was important, but for Kermit his character and what was inside his heart was more important.

And he can act as an example to all of us. How often do we feel that we must change ourselves to get ahead, to move up in life, or to be popular? And how often does this just leave us feeling empty inside? By deciding to remain true to himself, Kermit defeated the little Martin Price inside of him...the one that resides in all of us... And instead of becoming a phony Broadway producer, Kermit found that his friends – Jenny, Piggy, and later Ronnie and the gang – left him as fulfilled as he ever needed to be.

I could go on to discuss how his amnesia becomes a metaphor of his losing and regaining his identity earlier in the movie... but I’m sure you got that already. Right?

Ruthlessness: 7 (Martin Price was going to take the Muppets money, sure, but his real ruthless side came out when he was prepared to grab a chicken by the neck and a weirdo by the nose.)

Sidekick: 5 (Martin’s secretary was beautifully played by Gates McFadden, but was not as memorable as the secretary from The Muppet Movie – Miss Tracy. However, another interesting comparison between Martin and what Kermit could have become is that Martin’s sidekick was also in Star Trek and Kermit’s sidekick Jenny later appeared in an episode...Coincidence?)

Evil appearance: 5 (He had a creepy, moustached, businessman air about him, but nothing overtly evil.)

Talking the talk: 5 (Clearly he could lead anyone on but there was nothing that witty or interesting about his business chatter.)

Likability: 1 (There was nothing to like about this guy. If you were friends with him, you know he’d swap you in a moment for a little cash.)

Returnability: 10 (Personally, I would have never invited Martin Price or Murray Plotski back...but clearly someone else thought differently as the apartment building in which Piggy lives in the world where Kermit was never born is called the ‘Murray Hotel’...where oddly enough Piggy makes a living by conning people as a fortune teller...)

Likelihood to borrow your lawnmower and sell it on ebay: 10 (Which reminds me...where IS my leafblower?)

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier

It's Not Easy Being Mean, Part 2

It's Not Easy Being Mean

British Correspondent - From wicked witches to bitter bankers (try saying that three times fast) the Muppet Villians have always held a strong position within the world in which the Muppets live...Wait? Did I say have always held a strong position? I meant have been held IN a strong prison. The interesting thing about them all, however, is that they are just so very interesting!

Nicky Holiday
In the 1980s, it was a simpler time. Back then, artists were known for their artistry and the illustrious designer Lady Holiday was renowned for her amazing style and flawless presentation. Gaining such a celebrity status in the 80s surely meant you had talent and panache (and perhaps just a hint of décolletage). Having grown up in a rich, upper-class family and under the constantly growing shadow of his sister, it’s little wonder that Nicky Holiday squandered the family inheritance, but unlike today when such behaviour would have gained him an instant cult following and a reality TV programme (*cough* Kim Kardashian *cough*), Nicky probably remained relatively unknown. In fact, his own sister dismisses him as mere "plot exposition." Poor child.

His attention seeking and a need to be noticed are evident from the first mention of Nicky Holiday in The Great Muppet Caper as a box of flowered-socks are delivered. Seeking to be noticed, even if just for his family to start criticising his choice of socks, seems to be a motivating factor for Nicky, and it seems to be this motivation that leads him to become a jewel thief. Stealing from his sister would certainly accomplish many of his apparent needs: Attention seeking, a need to bring his sister down, a feeling of taking back control, perhaps a desire to take-away the fame and things that he feels he deserves after his sister has grown up the "good" and "successful" one of the family.

Thus, Nicky Holiday put into action a plan to steal his sister’s crowning jewel: the Baseball Diamond. This diamond, which is shaped much like a baseball (go figure) is not given a history in the movie, but presumably originated in America since almost no one in England plays baseball, suggesting that it was something Lady Holiday purchased rather than a family heirloom. However, in putting together a plan to take the diamond... Nicky Holiday never counted on one particular glittering gem that was about to fall into his path: namely, Miss Piggy.

Now, he may not have had fame, but Nicky Holiday certainly had enough money to attract plenty of women (you know the type, those tall thin creatures with the long legs, the aquiline noses, the teeth like pearls, soft skin...yeah, makes you sick to your stomach, don’t it?). Following along the diagnosis that he’s seeking to be accepted on a personal level, it’s likely that Nicky Holiday’s relationships were short-lived and unfulfilling. Then one night, out dancing at a club, he met someone who was so unlike any other woman he’d ever known. This woman was, of course, Miss Piggy. Not only was she spell-binding in a non-vapid fashion, she could also type and take short-hand and had been hired as his sister’s receptionist – note once again the need for Nicky to take that which belongs to his sister.

The Nicky Holiday/Miss Piggy chemistry is electric. Even Kermit noticed the way that she was dancing with him, and though Piggy suggested that was just “Silliness” it was clear from the start there was something between them.

The meeting between Miss Piggy and Nicky Holiday backstage at the fashion show is one of the darkest Muppet moments on film. Here, Nicky’s intensity and desire became so strong that even the usually unflappable Miss Piggy appears scared and venerable before him. To see her change from someone so in charge, to someone who feels trapped and in a situation out of her control is frightening to see, and I think this was quite a defining moment in Miss Piggy’s character development. This is also the moment in which Nicky Holiday moves from charming jewel thief to scoundrel and villain.

Nicky makes a perfect nemesis for Miss Piggy because he shares so many of the same insecurities, desires and character traits seen in the pig. He is attention seeking, with an obvious love of jewellery and money and he latches onto Miss Piggy in much the same way that Piggy latched onto Kermit in The Muppet Show. But unlike Miss Piggy, he lacks the balance of love and heart that make her work as a wonderfully rounded character. (Plus, he can’t even sing--his voice was dubbed!)

From this moment on, Nicky’s downfall is imminent as he betrays Miss Piggy, framing her for the jewel theft and making himself an instant target for the team of Muppets determined to prove Piggy’s innocence and to catch him red-handed. A lot of running, diving, and baseball catching later and Nicky Holiday is finally defeated by a pig on a hog, smashing dramatically through the windows of the Mallory Gallery and knocking Nicky to the ground.

But it is Miss Piggy’s parting words that really defeated Nicky Holiday. “That silver’s turned to iron bars, Nicky.” She proved herself strong enough to resist him and to choose the life that she wanted to lead with her frog at her side instead of being forced into his world. “Somehow, along the road I found out the difference between wrong and right... Your wrong.” She turns to Kermit. “He’s right.”

Nicky once said, “I'm a villain, it's plain and simple.” I only hope that he came to realise he wasn’t plain and simple, but rather a complicated guy with complex issues. Maybe he’ll even get a chance to redeem himself one day – maybe working as a security guard at Disney World?

As for this article, I have just one question that still remains regarding Nicky Holiday and his band of modelesque jewel thieves... “What colour are their hands now?”

Ruthlessness: 8 (He was prepared to betray the potential love of his life, but it pained him to do so. I was going to give him a six, but he got two extra points for almost reducing Miss Piggy to tears. Bad man! Bad!)

Sidekick: 8 (Marla, Carla and Darla are delicious to watch together on screen, with their evil plans and the chemistry between them and Nicky is palpable. It’s also possible that they go beyond being sidekicks, however, since it was they who forced Nicky into going ahead with the plan and not visa versa. They got an extra point for the hint of décolletage.)

Evil appearance: 5 (The flowered-socks were a trademark, but hardly frightening.)

Talking the talk: 6 (Defining yourself as a plain and simple villain, an interesting evil monologue does not make. Imagine if James Bond villains did that... James would never have had a chance to get away!)

Likability: 7 (He was incredibly likeable, until he turned against Miss Piggy. Still, his demeanour and wannabe swarveness give him a high likability factor.)

Returnability: 3 (I wouldn’t want him to return, as his story-arc is really over. He set out to prove himself, and... maybe, just maybe, he proved himself wrong.)

Likelihood to date your sister and never call her back: 10 (Yeah, you won’t be hearing from him, sorry Sis.)

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier

It's Not Easy Being Mean, part 1

It's Not Easy Being Mean

The British Correspondent - From the sneering, white-suit wearing Doc Hopper, to the raw sexual magnetism of Nicky Holiday, the Muppet villains are characters which should always hold a place of pride within the evil halls of villainy. Although they appear to want nothing more than to bring our furry, feathered friends down, these frog-catching, alien-hunting, chicken-strangling Muppet villains truly have dreams of their own. In the words of the song, "Look closely, I’m sure there’s a good man inside..."

"...NAH!"

DOC HOPPER

The original Muppet meanie, Doc Hopper wanted nothing more than his own chain of fast-food restaurants. Creating Doc Hopper’s French Friend Frog Legs was his dream... But as the Muppet Movie begins, he needs a better plan, because frankly, dressing up as a frog and advertising the frog-leg burger on a bright-green bun just wasn’t a good look. Mimicking the Golden Arches with green legs, and matching the Colonel himself with a snappy white suit, Hopper was halfway there. He just needed a spokesperson, because although he made a great businessman... he was a rather lousy frog.

Luckily for him, waiting in the wings (or rather going with the Schwinn) was the very frog he needed. Kermit the Frog was setting out across America to an open audition for frogs in order to sing and dance and make people happy when he was spotted by Doc’s assistant Max. Kermit was the perfect choice to advertise the Doc’s brand... unfortunately for him, all Kermit could see were hundreds of frogs on tiny crutches and refused to get involved.

Now, this is where most of us would have packed our bags and headed back to the drawing board for a new marketing plan... maybe getting an old spring coat and sewing on some ping-pong balls, but no, not Hopper. Hopper was a man of ambition and once the frog was in his sights, the game was on. Persuading a bear and a frog in a rainbow coloured Studebaker across America, dodging cream pies, kidnapping wild boars and hiring mad scientists, Hopper was determined to do anything to make the frog his spokesperson...whether he did it live, or stuffed.

Finally facing Kermit in a ghost-town showdown, Doc Hopper stood on the brink of maintaining his humanity, or dipping into utter ruthlessness to get his own way. But as Kermit shared his dreams of singing and dancing and making people happy... a dream which gets better the more people you share it with, Hopper realised that his own dream would separate him from any true feelings–even his sidekick Max refused to be involved.

It’s that moment right there which makes Doc Hopper a wonderfully rounded villain. A moment of indecision, of seeing a better way... And still not taking it. Instead of backing off, he orders the death of the Muppets’ leader and, had an insta-grown Animal not intervened, I dread to imagine the kind of world we would live in today.

Doc Hopper was a complex and brilliantly designed villain to go up against the Muppets. He held many of the characteristics seen within the Muppets themselves. He had a dream, he had determination, he was focused, with a good imagination and sense of humour–but, unlike the Muppets, he didn’t have the heart or strength of character to guide those traits in the right direction. Because of this, Hopper pursued the wrong goals and lost himself in the process. Due to their similarities and differences, Hopper makes a perfect nemesis for Kermit the Frog.

Honestly though, he probably got off lightly... had his food empire expanded (Don’t you frogs expand?) he’d have been blamed for all this childhood obesity.

Ruthlessness: 10 (He ordered his men to kill Kermit! It does NOT get worse than that.)

Sidekick: 7 (Max showed up Doc’s true nature by actually having a conscience, but did little else of consequence. I was going to give him a 6, but he got an extra point for warning the Muppets.)

Evil appearance: 8 (The snappy suit, and madman hair made him memorably evil)

Talking the talk: 7 (His evil monologue moments were brilliant, from his first meeting “Don’t you frog’s expand?” to finale sneer, “I have lots of friends.”)

Likability: 3 (I’m sure his mum still loved him, but even Max refused to be called his friend by the end.)

Returnability: 8 (I’d love to see him return as an even crazier, even more determined antithesis of everything Muppety.)

Likely-hood to take over the world: 4 (Unlikely...he couldn’t even get a food franchise off the ground.)

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier