Let's get right to work:
Dear Agent,
Ellery Benedek knows three things: Like Ellery Queen? I like it.
1) How to piss off her mother.
2) How to trainwreck a career.
3) How to get out of prison.
I like this. For one, it breaks the rules, and works. That's hard to do, and it makes your query stand out. Now, there are a couple points I think you can improve on. This being an adult novel, Ellery's age is not necessarily critical, but it might help to know whether she is 25, or 40. Also, isn't it her own career that she train-wrecked? It might be worth pointing out it wasn't someone else's. Finally, doesn't everyone know how to get out of prison? As in, you do your time, you don't cause any trouble, and as long as you didn't get sentenced to life, eventually you get released or paroled, right? Or did you mean escape from prison? If you're only pointing it out because she did time (and that is some great characterization), maybe you should reword it to focus on the fact that she served at all, rather than focusing on her eventual release.
The first she comes by honestly, just another dysfunctional mother-daughter pair in a line of Siren women butting heads since the dawn of man. The second is a direct by-product of that dysfunctional relationship: when her mother made a deal with a devil, she got Ellery in return. This is vague. If it's a convoluted (but awesome) backstory, then maybe you don't have room to explain. However, the way it is written here, doesn't make sense. In the first sentence, you mention the mother-daughter pair, then in this sentence, it kind of sounds like Ellery's mom doesn't have her as a daughter until she makes this deal with the devil. And when that deal results with Ellery compelled to rip the heart from a patient’s chest, Ellery finds herself sentenced to rot in the belly of Castigo, a prison hidden from humankind where Hallow deviants are sent to die. I would love to know why Ellery feels compelled to do this, but this inciting incident is basically so bad-ass I don't really care.
After some not-so-divine intervention from Daddy Dearest, this is vague. Does he break her out of prison? Intervene politically to get her released? Try to be as specific as you can, as long as you can keep it clear and concise. ex-doctor and now ex-con Ellery is completely unemployable, but desperate for a break in the hellish monotony of freedom. Enter Roman Vassilikos, a shady P.I. in need of Ellery’s questionable morals and ability to bend any will to her own. Hallow women gone missing are turning up dead, maimed and dumped for the humans to find. Desperate to keep this hunt for the Hallow(s?) off her resume of failure, Ellery plows headlong in a darkening web of conspiracy, dominion, and the potential genocide of all Hallow women. As her investigation begins to reveal familiar faces in all the wrong places, Ellery realizes that she may not be the only Siren singing up shit creek. With the path to revelation growing narrower by the hour, Ellery will have to decide what price she’s willing to pay for the truth: life, or a life worth living. These last 4 or 5 sentences are some of the best query CONFLICT and CHOICE I've ever read. Don't change a thing in this part.
ALL THAT REMAINS is a 92,000 word urban fantasy set in the rural backwoods of coastal Georgia. I love that this Urban Fantasy takes place in the backwoods. Because Urban is part of the genre name, and it doesn't always literally have to be in a major city. Anyway, I just think it makes for a cool play on words.
Okay, so to summarize: I think this query is already very good. The way you end it in particular stands out and shines. Also, you've got excellent voice throughout, without being afraid to poke a little fun at yourself, or the style of this kind of story.
Like I said, don't touch the last four of five sentences. The thing with Dad breaking her out could be clearer, but I don't think it's a deal breaker, and if it would be too hard to explain in a query (meaning: need too many words), I think you'd be okay leaving it as is. The thing with mom and the deal with the devil, I really do think you need to clarify. I hope you can find a way to briefly make it clearer specifically what you mean.
Finally, I like the way you opened this. It reminds me a bit of one of the best rule breaking queries I've ever seen (Josin L. McQuien's at Query Shark - link). That being said, I think you should clarify point 2) and sharpen up point 3) a little. It's already pretty cool as is, but just another word here or there could make it pack even more punch.
Ellery's age - I don't think it would hurt to mention it, but this being adult Urban Fantasy, I think it's fine if you leave it out.
That's it.
What do you all think? Disagree with anything? See anything I missed? Please share your feedback in the comments, and have a great weekend!
