Looking in the Mirror...

I posted this before and after picture of me a while ago on Facebook/Instagram. The feedback was awesome, and I loved all the great comments and support I got for the massive change that my body has undergone over the past year. 

To be honest, I can't imagine how I was ever that girl on the left anymore. I can't believe I let myself do that, but the reality is, I did. When I showed Neil the picture on the left he said, "Well, yeah, but you were pregnant in that picture." Uh....nope. I definitely was NOT pregnant and when I brought this to his attention we both laughed for a really long time.

I'm still not at the goal weight (a little less than 10 pounds to go). But I never imagined being able to look back a year from then and say, "WOW! I did it! I really did it!" But I can, and it's amazing. It's hard and I hate it at times, but I only hate the moments, I don't hate the process as a whole. I love that I can now run longer than a minute without getting short of breath (not even exaggerating!) 

I have hated myself for a long time. Ever since I can remember, I was never smart enough, kind enough, funny enough, and yes, skinny enough. I had terrible self-esteem, I never spoke up because I thought my opinion didn't matter (those who know me know are laughing out loud, that's okay, it's true, I'm loud). I guess I finally gave up trying to be "skinny" enough. And then my self-esteem took an even bigger plunge. I wouldn't even look at myself, I would avoid pictures at all cost, I hated having myself somewhere for everyone to remember. I still remember the day that picture on the left was taken. I remember my anxiety level as Neil was taking pictures of Claire on the horse and I was right beside her, and I remember thinking, "Please don't get me in the picture, please." But he did, and there it is for all to see. 

But, now that I've not just changed how I look, I'm trying to change how I think about myself. I've seen myself become a totally different person. I'm very loud and my opinion will be heard these days. I like to laugh and have a good time, and I think I'm pretty damn funny and smart. 

But one thing is hard, every time I look at myself in the mirror, I still see that "fat" Ali. It's the strangest feeling. I see no progress and no change, yes I see my clothes are smaller, but I don't see the change on my body. The only thing I can compare it to is when you learn about eating disorders and they show you the picture of the clearly skinny, or even too skinny girl, looking in the mirror and she sees an overweight girl looking back at her. I see that girl too. I never understood how that worked until now. I have to be really good at telling myself that I'm fine, I don't actually look like that. But I do see the change when looking at two pictures side-by-side, I guess that's why I keep them around. 

I just want those who are trying and feel like a failure to never give up. It's not easy all the time, some days you rock it and others you don't. That's okay, it's not just about weight, it's about you! 

I'm ch ch changing

It's true, my bod is changing!

I'm now down (close to) 22 pounds...people, that is HUGE, especially for me. That's more than what Clark weighs and close to what Claire weighs. I've lost the weight of a tiny human! Now, no worries, I know I still have a little over 18 pounds to go, but hey, I'm more than half-way there. It's totally awesome!

This past week I've really noticed how much I've shrunk. I've noticed my clothes fitting better for the past little while, but I've never noticed a huge change....but this week it finally set in that my clothes aren't just fitting better, they're getting (or are already) too big. Just today while I was getting ready for church, I decided to wear a new dress I purchased a couple weeks ago and haven't had the chance to wear. I tore off the tags, because I had already tried it on and it fit great, and slipped in on just to realize that in a two week span it had become too big for me, it looked sloppy and loose. As happy as I am, I'm kinda bummed that I don't get to wear it anymore, so back to the store it goes. But now we were running late to church so I grabbed a fairly new dress my mom had purchased for me a couple months ago and seemed a little tight when I had worn it before and what would you know? Way too big! It looked terrible on me. Now I was frantic, but no worries, I finally found something and we were only 10 minutes late or so...

Another instance this week was a few nights ago while Neil and I were chatting away. We have a large family picture of just Neil, Emma, and I when Emma was about 7 months old hanging on a wall. I looked at the picture and mentioned how I thought I could see a lot of Clark in Emma, Neil looked up and agreed and then looked at me and then back at the picture and said, "You are skinnier now than you were in that picture." I don't know if I quite agree with him, but it sure feels great to think that he thinks so. 

I'm really happy about my progress. I'm noticing it more in just the weight I've lost, but I am sleeping better at night (I used to toss and turn for hours on end and be exhausted all day), I have much more energy...so on and so forth. It's really great to see the progress and change take place over an extended period of time. I can't wait until I'm finally where I want to be...how glorious that day will be...

Not quite at my heaviest here...I think. But pretty close.

Tonight, just hanging out. 

I know I still have a long way to go, but I can see the progress and it's great. 

*Any ideas on what to do with my hair? I want to keep growing it out but I'm pretty bored with the style...I need suggestions...

What's up...or down?

I figured it's time to let the world in on how my little weight loss journey is going. To be honest, I'm happy...er. I've lost a total of 13 pound so far, and really, that's not a whole lot, but to me it feels like a whole lot. I lost 13 pounds by just eating better. No working out or anything of the sort...and then in December, I let the holidays take over and I gained about 4 pounds back. OUCH! I couldn't believe I let myself do that again, but I've lost it yet again. SO, when New Year's rolled around I set my first resolution in probably 8 years. It was a simple one, lose 5 pounds every month until I'm at my goal weight. And to help with the incentive, Neil's work has an amazing deal through Gold's Gym that I just couldn't pass up. A 6 month membership for $50 and if you go at least once a week you will be reimbursed until your membership is free. Ummm...yes, please.

So I have my plan, and it isn't much of a plan. But I still eat better, and everyday I'm learning new things to help me with that. And I go to Gold's Gym (which is literally only 1 mile away from our house) and work out 3 days a week. 3 days a week really isn't a whole lot, but with Neil going to school full time and working full time, and 3 kids it's plenty for right now. When things calm down I will start going more often.

Then came my next battle, what to do at the gym. I loathe running, and I really don't know how to use any of the machines. I'm getting the hang of the machines, I just basically watch what others do and imitate them. What has really helped me with running is an amazing free app called "Get Running". It is a couch to 5k program, it goes slow enough for the out of shape people like myself, but it also pushes me to the point when sometimes I'm not sure if I can keep going. But then I tell myself I can do anything for 30 more seconds (that feel like hell). I've actually really enjoyed going to the gym, it's my "me" time. I get anyway from the kids and clear my mind...it's fun.

Another app that has greatly helped me when trying to eat better is called, "My Fitness Pal". Again, it's free and it helps you keep track of everything your eating throughout the day, letting you know if you've gone over your calorie goal, and how many calories you have left for the day. It also (and this is really nice for people, like myself, that need a visual aide) shows you in graph form how much weight you have lost...it's extremely nice to see that line slowly dipping downward.

But now that I've actually put all this time, effort, and thought into how I'm going to lose this weight...my body and me and stuck in a battle. I haven't lost any weight in over a week. By body's telling me that it like where's it's at...this is where we've been for a while and it's nice. But I'm trying to tell my body that, while this is a lot better than where we were, imagine how much better we would be if we lost ever MORE weight....I think I'll eventually win, but for the time being it's a tad bit discouraging.

Whew...a novel to say the least. I'm chugging along and liking (hopefully loving soon) working out and the results I'm getting from it (even though the scale says I'm not getting any....yet). Life is great. Oh, and did you see the pictures Neil snuck on here a while back? Yeah, either did I, but aren't my kids the cutest things in the while flipping world! They are my world and I love them to death! And a huge shout out and thank you to our fabulous neighbor Christa Cox, from Chrissy Ann Photography for taking such stellar pictures, and on such short notice. That's how I roll. It was a week before Christmas and I couldn't figure out what to get Neil's or my grandparents, so I figured we'd get nice pictures taken and frame them...so Christa did those amazing pictures AND edited them in like 3 days...she rocks. If you need any pictures taken, I would recommend her.

I'm out. Peace.

Le Weight...

Yep, I'm finally doing it. I'm confessing to the world that I know I need to lose the lbs. I am constantly asking myself, "How did I get here?" It's like if I could find the answer to that question I could solve world hunger. The answer is actually quite simple....I like to eat and not work-out...dum dum dum....

I look at the pictures of myself in high school and college (pretty much anything before I started having babies) and I think that I look damn good...but back then I thought I was fat. Poor, poor messed up little girl. I never had to work-out or eat right to stay at a healthy weight in those days, should I still have done that? Absolutely, but I had the mentality of a teenager (go figure).

Fast forward now about six years. After six years, fertility treatments, and three beautiful children later, I've finally hit my breaking point. The other day I looked in the mirror at myself (something I try to avoid at all costs) and I was absolutely disgusted with how I looked. That may sound harsh to some, but it was the wake-up call I needed. What have I done to myself?! Good lovin'!

At my six week postpartum check my doctor asked me about birth control. After Claire I never went on birth control because I honestly didn't see the point, and I'm glad I didn't because it wasn't needed. But when we started trying for Clark, my fertility doctor informed me that birth control can help with the side effects of PCOS, such as helping take off the weight and helping the the extra hair (yep, it's true) that we women with PCOS sometimes have. So, with that I talked to my doctor about it. He said I couldn't do Mirena because I need estrogen to help with those, so the pill it was. But then he said because I'm nursing I can't take any birth control with estrogen because it messes with your milk supply....GREAT! So I'm birth control free until I'm finished nursing again.

But now comes the hard part...figuring out how to reverse not just my eating habits, but my total way of thinking. Don't get me wrong, I totally love fruits and veggies, but I totally love my chocolate as well. I've looked online for tips and tricks, but then I have to remind myself that I'm nursing and I still need to take in extra calories for Clarkie Bean (but not as much as I have been). It's been hard to be nursing and wanting to lose weight at the same time. I am constantly hungry, I kid you not. It's really frustrating, I wasn't even this bad while pregnant. But now that I'm nursing all I want to do is eat! It's an insatiable need I have and it feels as if I can't control myself, but the reality is I can.

I've decided that I need to make slow, subtle changes until I'm finally where I want to be. First things first, I need to eat better. Plain and simple. And I'm trying, I make mistakes and slip up some days, but I'm getting better. Second thing, I need to move more. I saw on a Facebook friend's page that all she did to lose an incredible amount of weight (seriously she looks amazing!) was eat less and move more. What an ingenious idea! I know it seems simple, but hearing it again really stuck with me. So That's what I'm doing world, eating less and moving more. I'm starting really slowly, because I know if I go too fast I'll fizzle out just as fast. It took six years to get at this weight, I'm not expecting my weight to magically change over night.

You want to know my starting weight, what I weight now? Well, I'm not going to tell you. Really. Neil doesn't even know how much this big mamma jamba weighs, that's how ashamed I am. But let's just say I want to lose about 40 pounds. Let's start this weight loss journey together. One small step at a time.