Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey

A
MOMENT OF TRUTH
INTERVIEW
WITH
SENATOR HARRY REID


VOX- Welcome everyone. Now you've been subjected to some Paid political announcements from Democrat Majority Leader Harry Reid. Today, Senator Reid announced that he and his minions in congress will pass a bill demanding to start the surrender withdrawal of US troops on October 1st and hopefully have the genocide started within 6 months. And I've convinced Senator Reid to join me to discuss this new development in a Moment of Truth Interview.

REID- I never agreed to one of your Moment of Truth Interviews!

WHIRR!

ZAP!

CLANK!

REID- Let me out of this tube! Let me out!

VOX- I'm afraid you can't come out of the Magical Vox Poplar Patented Tube of Truth until you have answered some questions. Okay, let's get this interview started. Why do you want the US to withdraw so quickly from Iraq?

REID- Because it looks like the surge is working dammit! And it's only a matter of time before our friends in the media can't ignore it anymore, and that would hurt us.

VOX- Who is this 'us' you're talking about?

REID- Democrats. If this war gets won we can kiss our majority in congress goodbye, and if we lose that, we'll lose all that sweet, sweet money from big business and political action groups.

VOX- So you're willing to humiliate America, embolden jihadis and condemn Iraq to a real civil war, no doubt involving a nuclear Iran to win elections?

REID- Of course. That's the credo of the Democratic Party: Do whatever it takes to win power, no matter how many people it kills. That's why Nancy Pelosi had to go to Syria to screw things up. Lebanese and Syrian pro-democracy forces were starting to get a footing, and they would owe it all to George Bush taking down Saddam Hussein, we can't dare let anyone show democracy is better than tyranny.

VOX- Shouldn't the Democratic Party be supportive of democracy?

REID- We only support democracy when it's corrupt and allows demagogue dictators like Hugo Chavez and Robert Mugabe take over countries and run them into the ground.

VOX- So Democrats support dictatorships?

REID- If it will help us gain seats, definitely.

VOX- What about all the shenanigans with Henry Waxman launching investigations into every time Karl Rove farted?

REID- We also can't allow a Republican administration to function. So we must launch all kinds of pointless and politicized witch hunts to paralyze the government and make the Republicans look bad.

VOX- Wouldn't doing such things during wartime be construed as treason?

REID- Of course it's all treason, but sometimes treason is necessary to seize power. Then we can yank Fox News's broadcasting license and start imposing speech codes on blogs like this. We can't afford having anyone asking us hard questions, it might promote dissent. How can we declare Al Gore President for Life if we allow people to question him?

VOX- Good point. I guess that's all the time we have for now, so I'll see you all later.

REID- Lemme out of this damn tube!

1 on 1 with Joe Wilson (a moment of truth interview)

VOX POPLAR- This week saw the conviction of I. Lewis 'Scooter' Libby on charges of lying to the grand jury investigating the CIA leak case. Now I'd like to take a moment to speak to the man at the center of the controversy former Ambassador Joseph Wilson. Welcome back to my blog Ambassador Wilson.

JOE WILSON- Nice to be here, but why am I in a steel tube?

VOX POPLAR- That's my patented steel tube of truth. Its delicate blend of mad science and black magic effectively leaves you unable to lie, fabricate, obfuscate, fib or even exaggerate.

JOE WILSON- Damn, I don't know if I can say anything that way. This is worse than testifying under oath, and I fought like hell to avoid that.

VOX POPLAR- Now let's get this interview started. What do you think of the conviction of Scooter Libby?

JOE WILSON- It's a total crock, but it will give my movie deal a decent ending.

VOX POPLAR- How is it a crock?

JOE WILSON- Basically, Libby was convicted for the crime of not remembering the dates he exchanged some fairly bland Washington gossip with some reporters. Reporters whose own notes and memories of the incidents in question are also faulty.

VOX POPLAR- So you would agree that he's been convicted for lying during the investigation of what turned out to not be a crime in the first place?

JOE WILSON- Oh sure. Outside of this damn tube I'll scream that it's a victory for truth, justice, and liberty. When, in fact, it was just a politicized witch hunt to help perpetuate the many lies I spread about my mission to Niger.

VOX POPLAR- What about those lies?

JOE WILSON- Oh I told some whoppers. I claimed the Iraqis weren't after yellow cake uranium, when they sent their top nuclear expert, to a country with only one export, yellow cake. I also claimed that I was sent by Dick Cheney, which was a big fat lie. I was sent by the CIA on the suggestion of my wife. I also lied about my report circulating in the highest circles of power. It didn't. And I lied about my wife being in an undercover position, which she hadn't been since the Russians blew her cover years earlier.

VOX POPLAR- And yet you're not even charged, let alone convicted for your years of lying.

JOE WILSON- I am a Democrat you know. Democrats never get in any serious trouble. Look at Sandy Berger, he stuffed vital national security information in his pants before shredding them, to protect the Clintons for their incompetence in the face of terrorism, and all he got was a light slap on the wrist. I go around, lying my ass off, and I got a movie deal.

VOX POPLAR- Let's talk about your movie deal. Why would Hollywood want to make a film, that few would want to see, that would only serve to slander the government in wartime with nasty political fictions?

JOE WILSON- Hollywood hates Bush. This hatred of Bush overrides everything, be it commerce, common sense or even their sense of survival. They're compelled to do everything they can to ruin the war effort against terrorism because Bush is a Republican and they believe Republicans to be evil.

VOX POPLAR- But a chronic liar like you is a hero to them?

JOE WILSON- Exactly. I told lies, I told lies with fucking bells on, and they love me for it. Plus, I'm going to be played George Clooney, my wife will be played by Julia Roberts, and Libby will be played by Christopher Walken. It's like Ocean's 11 with more lying.

VOX POPLAR- Who will play Richard Armitage?

JOE WILSON- He's not in the movie.

VOX POPLAR- But he's the guy who leaked your name to the press. He's kind of important.

JOE WILSON- Yeah, but he's against the Iraq War, that completely blows the anti-Bush script I'm working on with Michael Moore and the guys who wrote Glitter.

VOX POPLAR- Well, this has been very illuminating. Thanks for coming.

JOE WILSON- Thank you, and could you let me out of this tube now?

1 on 1 with the Weather

VOX POPLAR- Welcome to Vox 1 on 1. Today I'm here to discuss the controversies surrounding the issue of climate change. Joining me is climatologist Dr. Bill Wethers. Welcome.

BILL WETHERS- It's good to be here.

VOX POPLAR- Now why don't you define what climate change really is?

BILL WETHERS- That's one of the key problems. You see the Earth's climate is constantly changing, so there is no concrete scientific proof as to what's causing the warming trend.

VOX POPLAR- So you have doubts about recent declarations from your colleagues about mankind's carbon production being responsible?

BILL WETHERS- Doubt is one word for it. You see, the archealogical record shows periods with higher carbon levels than we have right now, but with cooler weather. Also, I disagree with people claiming that the Earth is hotter than it has ever been. Average temperatures in the 1930s were much higher than they are today.

VOX POPLAR- How come we never hear about that in the coverage of climate issues?

BILL WETHERS- There's a very active and activist camp in the field of climate research who are actively suppressing opposing views. I mean, in science you expect a little debate, but nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition...

CARDINAL EARTH- Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Bwah-hah-hah!

VOX POPLAR- Who the hell are you?

CARDINAL EARTH- I am Cardinal Earth! These are my associates Cardinal Wind and Cardinal Fire. We're here for one reason. To seek out those who break from established climate doctrine, to punish those who... I mean we're here for two reasons. To seek out and punish those dare stand against the word of climate change!

CARDINAL FIRE- There is no truth other than climate change!

CARDINAL WIND- And Al Gore is its prophet!

CARDINAL EARTH- So Dr. Wethers you dare to speak your mind again! You will be cast out for this!

BILL WETHERS- Do you see what I'm up against. They are trying to censor dissenting opinions!

CARDINAL EARTH- There is no opinion, there is only truth!

CARDINAL FIRE- There is no truth other than climate change!

CARDINAL WIND- And Al Gore is its prophet!

CARDINAL EARTH- You, Dr. Wethers, are like those people who deny the Holocaust!

VOX POPLAR- Now hold on a minute. How can having a different opinion on a scientific theory possibly be like denying a historically proven atrocity as a means to justify new evil?

CARDINAL EARTH- So you're one of those fascist pigs too, eh?

VOX POPLAR- Now you're pissing me off. When you start using cheap tactics like that it can only mean one thing, that you're wrong.

CARDINAL EARTH- Oh yeah. Well his research got a grant from an oil company!

VOX POPLAR- So. All the research promoting climate change is being presented by people who need to manufacture a crisis in order to get fat government funding deals. So nobody is completely innocent.

CARDINAL EARTH- How dare you speak against something that 90% of scientists believe in!

VOX POPLAR- Are these the same scientists who were running around 30 years ago screaming that we were heading for an ice age?

CARDINAL EARTH- Yes. But that was before they saw the truth!

CARDINAL FIRE- There is no truth other than climate change!

CARDINAL WIND- And Al Gore is its prophet!

VOX POPLAR- Look, I'm as green as the next guy. I'm all for reducing oil consumption, alternative energy sources, reducing waste, and recycling, but I refuse to accept the insane hysteria people like Al Gore are generating for their own gain.

CARDINAL EARTH- Heresy! Thou hath spoken against the Al Gore!

VOX POPLAR- And I'll hath to do it again. Think for a second about what he's gained. Private jets, a fleet of SUVs for entourage, books deals, a movie that will certainly win him an Oscar...

BILL WETHERS- Even though the science he cites in it is questionable.

VOX POPLAR- And it's immunized him from any and all criticism. No one criticizes him for the massive pollution he alone causes by using private jets, SUVs and refusing to participate in any energy saving programs for his four homes. Nobody asks why he targets the USA and not China who is going to outstrip the USA in carbon emissions pretty soon. Is it because the Chinese gave his party so much money when he was Vice President? Nobody knows, because nobody has bothered asking.

CARDINAL EARTH- HERESY!

CARDINAL FIRE- HERESY!

CARDINAL WIND- HERESY!

VOX POPLAR- And what is so special about the Earth's climate right now? Was it worse off when Greenland really was green? Or was is somehow better off during the Ice Age when seas were clogged with ice and our the sites of our major cities were under glaciers.

CARDINAL EARTH- You foul blasphemer!

VOX POPLAR- And whenever I ask for proof you people say "Look out the window." Well outside of my window it's a nard-numbing minus 10 below zero and upstate New York is under 8 feet of snow.

BILL WETHERS- I'll be going now.

VOX POPLAR- It seems everything is a sign of Global Warming. More hurricanes, it's Global Warming. No hurricanes, it's Global Warming. The entire world could turn into a freaking snowball and it would all be Global Warming, and it would all be George W. Bush's fault. You're nothing more than the leaders of some whacked out millenarian cult, profiting from a fear of doomsday.

CARDINAL EARTH- But 90% of climatologists agree!

VOX POPLAR- They can't predict the weather beyond a week, let alone a century. And if there is one certainty in the universe, it's that when experts start agreeing like that on the future, they're going to be wrong.

CARDINAL EARTH- But George W. Bush is suppressing scientists!

VOX POPLAR- He's doing a lousy job at it, since I see them on 60 Minutes about every second week.

CARDINAL EARTH- You sir, are worse than Hitler!

VOX POPLAR- Now I know you're wrong. When all you can do is stifle debate by hurling insults and slanders, you can only be wrong. Now get off my blog!

CARDINAL EARTH- Now without the evil Dr. Bill Wethers! Where is he?

VOX POPLAR- I think he left.

CARDINAL EARTH- Oh well, goodbye.

VOX POPLAR- Yeah, goodbye.

The View From The Balcony

1 on 2 with

JAMES BAKER & LEE HAMILTON
Heads of the Iraq Study Group

VOX- Thanks for coming I know you're busy and are doing a lot of interviews lately.

BAKER- I know. We're getting more coverage than Britney Spears.

HAMILTON- I sure hope so, no one wants to see up your skirt. HO-HO!

VOX- Now your report is turning out to be quite controversial. In fact the New York Post ran a cover story calling you the "Surrender Monkeys." What do you think about the controversy?

BAKER- I don't really see what all the fuss is about.

HAMILTON- All we did was urge that America give up trying to spread democracy in order to secure it's own future.

BAKER- You see, democracy is inherently unstable, that's why I spent my career in diplomacy promoting stability. Which is what the Bush Administration should be doing.

VOX- But those policies of 'stability first' led to the rise of Saddam Hussein, the Taliban and the 9/11 attacks.

BAKER- Sure, they didn't work in the past, but they might just work today.

HAMILTON- You never know unless you try.

VOX- But trying could cost millions of lives.

BAKER- True, but most of them will be foreigners, so it's really not a problem to me.

HAMILTON- Tell them about your plan, Jimmy.

VOX- What is your plan?

BAKER- First we pull out of Iraq. Showing the world that America is strong enough to know when it's beaten, then we make peace by involving Syria and Iran.

VOX- Iran's already responded. Ahmadinejad said that America should convert to Islam or die.

BAKER- You see, he's given us an opening offer. This looks promising.

VOX- That doesn't look promising, it looks like a threat!

HAMILTON- A threat's a kind of offer.

VOX- An offer of death. How can we negotiate with someone who dreams of nuking Israel?

BAKER- That's the clever part of my plan. We let them kill all the Jews and then they'll be nice to us.

VOX- Are you high?

BAKER- Excuse me?

VOX- Let's get back to the report. Who exactly did you talk to while you were putting this report together?

BAKER- Only the most reliable people. Clinton era appointees to the State Department, Generals that Rumsfeld retired before the war, journalists from the Associated Press, and figures in the media.

HAMILTON- All of them painted a picture of an unwinnable quagmire.

VOX- Did you talk to any soldiers on the field?

BAKER- What could a common soldier tell us that a bunch of political flacks and media hacks couldn't?

HAMILTON- Yeah, it's not like the folks we talked to had some sort of agenda.

VOX- Why don't you explain why Iraq is an unwinnable quagmire?

BAKER- There's more violence.

HAMILTON- We've been there longer than in WW2!

VOX- Okay, interesting points. Let's see, America did skip the first couple of YEARS of WW2, and while there is an escalation in violence, it appears to be occuring almost exclusively in a rapidly shrinking area of the country, namely 30 miles around Baghdad. How can that be an unwinnable quagmire?

BAKER- It just is! Appeasement of our enemies is the only true path to peace. Didn't Winston Churchill say that appeasers were the only ones that could feed the hungry crocodile of war?

VOX- Actually, he said that an appeaser was someone who fed a crocodile on the vain hope that he would get eaten last. So you're willing to sacrifice the people fighting to make Iraq a functioning democracy, our ally Israel, and America's credibility for some brief respite before Iran finally gets the bomb and nukes us all into Mahdi-Land?

BAKER- Pretty much.

HAMILTON- It's a sound policy. The Democrats love it.

BAKER- And I guarantee that America will definitely be eaten after the Jews.

VOX- I think I've heard enough. Good night.

1 on 1 with Seymour Hersh

VOX POPLAR- Welcome, today I go one on one with journalist, raconteur, and rabble-rouser Seymour Hersh about recent comments he made about the US military in Iraq at a speech at McGill University in Montreal, Canada. For some reason he's refused to go into my patented Vox Poplar Tube of Truth, so we're just gonna talk. Welcome Seymour Hersh.

SEYMOUR HERSH- It's good to be here in Canada and away from the Fascist State of Amerikkka.

VOX POPLAR- Really? I didn't know it was that bad in America.

SEYMOUR HERSH- I'm the only one with the guts to tell the truth. As I speak entire cities are burning to the ground, American soldiers are rounding up African-Americans and sending them to vote-denying death camps while Dick Cheney drinks the blood of infants and George W. Bush and his coven of neo-con theocrats build altars to their bloodsucking god out of their bones! I know I've seen the video!

VOX POPLAR- If all this is happening, why are you the only one talking about it?

SEYMOUR HERSH- Because the Republicans secretly control the mainstream media!

VOX POPLAR- The same mainstream media that constantly puts anti-Republican, and anti-American spins on their news coverage while exposing vital national security secrets?

SEYMOUR HERSH- That's just a clever ruse, cleverly designed by that clever Beelzebub of American politics the clever Karl Rove.

VOX POPLAR- Oh, really?

SEYMOUR HERSH- Why do I detect a note of doubt in your voice?

VOX POPLAR- It's not really a note, more like a symphony.

SEYMOUR HERSH- I've seen video of America's military in action! I've seen them gun down entire cities full of people, and then feast upon their flesh in an orgy of cannibalism and necrophilia. There is no insurgency in Iraq, because all the Iraqis are dead. Right now they're smuggling innocent civilians from all over the Muslim world in order to kill them for sport, and sell their organs to Israel on the black market.

VOX POPLAR- Please, go on.

SEYMOUR HERSH- Plus, as John Kerry says, America's troops are all brain-washed borderline retards that exist solely for killing as many innocent people as they can... wait a minute... What are you doing with that button?

VOX POPLAR- What button?

SEYMOUR HERSH- The red shiny button on the control panel in your hand.

VOX POPLAR- You mean this button?

(Click-VWOOSH!)

SEYMOUR HERSH- What the hell is this?

VOX POPLAR- That's the Vox Poplar Patented Tube of Truth. While inside you are completely unable to lie.

SEYMOUR HERSH- That's why I refused to do this!

VOX POPLAR- Now let's get to the nitty gritty. You're notorious for making wild allegations of abuse and slaughter in your public appearances, yet you haven't written any articles about these supposed news stories. Why?

SEYMOUR HERSH- That's easy. If I write this crap in an article, I could get my ass sued off for libel. If I make it in a speech, it's just slander, and barring any video of me making the speech, I can always claim that I was misquoted. DAMN IT! I didn't want to say that!

VOX POPLAR- I guess the next logical question is why do you make such statements?

SEYMOUR HERSH- Because I hate America, I hate Israel, I hate myself, and I pretty much hate any society that allows someone as loathsome as me become a success. Plus, I haven't written anything of consequence since the 70s. I'm a raving narcissist who desperately needs attention, and the easiest way to get that is to tell a bunch of left-wing ass-hats what they want to hear.

VOX POPLAR- Where is this video you claim to have seen showing US troops massacring a soccer game?

SEYMOUR HERSH- There is no video. I just pulled the story out of my ass because it's what my audience wants to hear. Besides, they're not going to ask me for the video, because that would prove that I'm nuttier than an elephant's snack bowl, they just let the story slide because it feeds their pre-existing prejudices. These are people who think Ted Rall is funny, their brains are fried beyond simple reason. Oh crap! I didn't want to say that!

VOX POPLAR- Well, I think that's all for today, so until next time, good-day, and good luck.

SEYMOUR HERSH- LET ME OUT OF THIS DAMN TUBE!!

1 on 1 With The BBC

A MOMENT OF TRUTH INTERVIEW EXCLUSIVE

VOX POPLAR- There has been much ado about the recent leakage of a report on a 'bias seminar' at the venerable British Broadcasting Corporation. It seems to confirm the belief of many of the BBC's critics that it's obsession with political correctness has turned it into a mouthpiece for any anti-British, anti-American and anti-Semitic faction out there. Joining me in the steel lined Tube of Truth to discuss this is the BBC's Executive Director for Media Attitudes, Mr. Nigel Incubator-Jones. Welcome to my blog Mr. Jones.

INCUBATOR-JONES- That's Incubator-Jones. We must do these things properly, on the up and up, as they say, pip-pip and all that rot.

VOX POPLAR- Okay Mr. Incubator-Jones. What does the BBC have to say about the recent revelation that it would be considered okay by BBC executives to televise the tossing of a Christian Bible into a dustbin, but not a Koran?

INCUBATOR-JONES- That's because of the BBC's continuing policy to not offend people.

VOX POPLAR- Wouldn't the tossing of a Bible into a trashcan offend Christians?

INCUBATOR-JONES- Ah, that's a very sticky wicket. You see there's a two point answer to that question. First point: Christians aren't blowing people up, Muslims are blowing people up, and we at the BBC do not like to be blown up. And the second point is that no one at the BBC gives a royal rodent's arse about what Christians think.

VOX POPLAR- That's a rather shocking admittance.

INCUBATOR-JONES- Not all that shocking you see. It's really quite elementary. All Christians are idiots and nothing good has ever come from Christianity.

VOX POPLAR- I can think of one thing that did.

INCUBATOR-JONES- Oh really, what?

VOX POPLAR- The Western Civilization that's prosperous and free enough to allow someone like you, who has the brain of a pea, to hold an important, high paying job at a major public institution.

INCUBATOR-JONES- Western Civilization is the root of all the... um... what's the word?

VOX POPLAR- You can't be thinking of evil?

INCUBATOR-JONES- There's no such thing as evil, just misunderstandings. That's it, Western Civilization's responsible for all the misunderstandings in the world. Like Christianity it's a vile imperialist force for destruction.

VOX POPLAR- Even though it's the only civilization that would allow someone like you to not only exist, but prosper?

INCUBATOR-JONES- Absolutely. We at the BBC believe that it's our sacred duty to bring down all that has made Britain a great nation. We must eliminate national pride, respect for the rule of law, all religions, except Islam, for that will be offensive, and all sense of decorum and social decency.

VOX POPLAR- In other words Britain's will to live.

INCUBATOR-JONES- Exactly. Any culture that allows complete arse-heads like me run a national public broadcaster needs to brought down.

VOX POPLAR- What about accusations that the management of the BBC has lost touch with the greater British public?

INCUBATOR-JONES- That's a load of tosh. Why I speak to my butler every day, at least twice, and just the other day I told my new chauffeur directions to my club in Pall Mall. Now who's out of touch.

VOX POPLAR- Okay, let's move on to allegations, apparently confirmed by the leaked documents, that the BBC is anti-American. What do you say to these allegations?

INCUBATOR-JONES- Of course we're anti-American. Americans are rude, foul, dirty creatures who cause nothing but destruction, chaos and death.

VOX POPLAR- Interesting that you bring up the word 'rude' because a recent survey put New York, once considered the rudest city in America, something like 18 or 20 places above London on a scale of good manners.

INCUBATOR-JONES- Good manners are over-rated. Besides America insists on defending itself and trying to spread that thing called democracy wherever it goes. Plus those bloody Colonials are big friends of Israel.

VOX POPLAR- What's wrong with that?

INCUBATOR-JONES- Between you, me and the lamp, Israel is crawling with Jews. That's simple not cricket.

VOX POPLAR- What's wrong with the Jews?

INCUBATOR-JONES- Everything. They have the unmitigated gall to desire their country where they expect to live in peace, and then they have the poor manners to defend themselves when they're attacked. That's simply not snooker, it's not even billiards!

VOX POPLAR- I'm starting to think that you're insane.

INCUBATOR-JONES- I would have to agree with you on that. I am most likely stark raving mad. I mean the whole attitude at the BBC is one of cultural suicide, especially when faced with the imperialist attitudes of the radical Islamic fundamentalists. But I have a government job, so there's nothing anyone can do to get rid of me.

VOX POPLAR- Well, thanks for a very revealing interview.

INCUBATOR-JONES- My pleasure.

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD: 1 on 1 with The Lancet

VOX POPLAR- 654,965 people are dead in Iraq. At least they are according to a study recently published by British Medical Journal The Lancet. To discuss this I'm going one on one with The Lancet's assistant editor for politically motivated epidemiology Doctor Hector Proctor. Welcome to my blog Dr. Proctor.

DR. PROCTOR- Nice to be here.

VOX POPLAR- Now is this latest study like the one that came out a couple years ago claiming that US forces killed over a 100,000 Iraqi civilians with the infamous 'give or take 90,000 people' caveat in the footnotes.

DR. PROCTOR- Not in the least. This study was conducted under the strictest scientific guidelines, proving our case beyond a shadow of a doubt.

VOX POPLAR- So this is not like the incident in 1995, where a letter to the editor of The Lancet by Sarah Zaidi and Mary C. Smith-Fawzi claimed over 567,000 Iraqi children died 'as a consequence' of the sanctions imposed on Saddam's government in 1990.

DR. PROCTOR- What are you getting at?

VOX POPLAR- Well from the end of the first Gulf War to the start of the Iraq War, that statistic was cited repeatedly as an excuse to end the sanction regime by the 'pro-peace' crowd. However, they quickly changed their tune when Bush offered to end the sanctions by toppling Saddam.

DR. PROCTOR- Toppling Saddam made it worse, as our study shows. Just under 600,000 people died because of the sanctions, and a further 700,000 died because of the war.

VOX POPLAR- So statistically it would have been better to leave Saddam alone.

DR. PROCTOR- Exactly.

VOX POPLAR- Even though over a million people died when he was left alone?

DR. PROCTOR- That's a questionable statistic derived from massacre reports, Saddam's archives, and counting the dead in mass graves. Hardly a truly scientific method.

VOX POPLAR- Were all these people killed by direct military action by America and it's allies?

DR. PROCTOR- By our studies, only a third of these innocent people were killed by the imperialist US forces and their international lackeys.

VOX POPLAR- What about the other two thirds?

DR. PROCTOR- 24 percent of deaths were cause by other actors, and a further 45 percent by other unknown forces.

VOX POPLAR- That's almost 70% of the dead. That's more than two thirds, that's almost three quarters.

DR. PROCTOR- Yes, but claiming that Americans killed almost a third of the innocent people sounds more ominous than a little over a quarter.

VOX POPLAR- The joy of fractions defining factions. What percentage of the people killed by the allies were terrorists?

DR. PROCTOR- What's a terrorist?

VOX POPLAR- You know, crazy guys, like to set off bombs in mosques and markets, behead aid workers, incite ethnic violence, that sort of thing?

DR. PROCTOR- We don't believe in the existence of terrorists.

VOX POPLAR- Even though they are committing acts of terrorism right in front of you?

DR. PROCTOR- That's a politically loaded term. We prefer to classify such people as 'civilians' since they don't wear the uniform of an army.

VOX POPLAR- So anywhere between zero and one hundred percent of the people killed by direct American action could be violent Jihadi terrorists, and that thousands of lives are saved because they're not acting as 'others' and 'unknowns' and killing real civilians?

DR. PROCTOR- That's not for us to decide.

VOX POPLAR- What's The Lancet's official position on accusations that the study is biased because your editor, Dr. Richard Horton, is prominent in the Stop The War coalition of leftist and Islamist groups?

DR. PROCTOR- We don't believe that a person's desire to see his nation defeated in a war by radical violent Islamists does any harm to his scientific objectivity.

VOX POPLAR- So you stand by your claim that almost 700,000 people have died 'because of the war?'

DR. PROCTOR- We stand by our assertion that 6,549,659 have died because of America's imperialist war of aggression.

VOX POPLAR- Wait a minute. Did you just bump the number up to 6 million?

DR. PROCTOR- Don't be silly.

VOX POPLAR- Okay.

DR. PROCTOR- I meant to say 7 million.

VOX POPLAR- Now you're getting crazy.

DR. PROCTOR- The deaths of 77 million people in Iraq because of America's war of aggression is crazy.

VOX POPLAR- Wait a minute. You just said 77 million, that's almost 4 times the real population of Iraq. Why should we believe anything you say?

DR. PROCTOR- Because I'm a scientist that's against Bush. That's all you need.

VOX POPLAR- This has been very enlightening. And to my readers, it goodbye for now, and see you soon.

1 on 1 With Keith Olberman

VOX POPLAR- Hello, and welcome to my blog. Today I'm going one on one with MSNBC host, political pundit, and living proof that you don't need talent to make it in showbiz Keith Olberman. Welcome.

KEITH OLBERMAN- Good to be anywhere that's not reeking with the stench of FoxNews.

VOX POPLAR- No, but since you walked in, I am catching a whiff of old cheese. But let's get to business. Recently Fox News President Roger Ailes said that Clinton's outburst at interviewer Chris Wallace was an 'assault on all journalists.' You responded with a 'special commentary' that called Mr. Ailes various kinds of 'fat' eight times in seven minutes. What do you have to say to that?

KEITH OLBERMAN- Are you questioning my journalistic integrity?

VOX POPLAR- That, as well as your judgement and your sanity. You still haven't answered my question.

KEITH OLBERMAN- I'm just calling it as I see it. Roger Ailes is fat.

VOX POPLAR- I don't think his weight problem has anything to do with the issue of former President Clinton attempting to bully Chris Wallace for asking him the exact same questions he asked Donald Rumsfeld and Condoleeza Rice.

KEITH OLBERMAN- You don't see the point! Rice and Rumsfeld deserve to be asked tough questions! Fox News reveals that it's the tool of a fat devil by asking the beloved and saintly Bill Clinton tough questions.

VOX POPLAR- There you go again.

KEITH OLBERMAN- What?

VOX POPLAR- "Tool of a fat devil." You're supposed to be a headlining political pundit, yet your first response to a serious question of journalistic ethics is to resort to childish name calling.

KEITH OLBERMAN- I am not childish! You sound like one of those people who work for Mr. Fatty-Fatty-Fat-Fat down at Fox! Liberals don't get asked tough questions that's the rule! Fox News is breaking that rule and it will lead America to fascism!

VOX POPLAR- Okay, now you lost me. You're saying that allowing opposing sides to openly discuss an issue will lead to fascism. Are you high?

KEITH OLBERMAN- Fatty.

VOX POPLAR- What?

KEITH OLBERMAN- Fatty-Fatty Two-By-Four, can't fit through the kitchen door.

VOX POPLAR- So now you're going to call me names?

KEITH OLBERMAN- Lard-o, fat-ass, big-buttzilla!

VOX POPLAR- How about I call you a loudmouth dumb-ass who couldn't win a debate with facts so he panders to the lowest common denominator in the left with name-calling that could be called retarded, but that would be an insult to the retarded of the world.

KEITH OLBERMAN- You see. Another example of the Right-Wing Bloggers destroying debate in this country. How can America avoid the slippery slope of Republican fascism if people like this are running around practicing free speech?

VOX POPLAR- You couldn't get more loony if you were a Canadian billionaire's piggy bank.

KEITH OLBERMAN- Bill O'Reilly is Hitler! Please, won't somebody who won't make fun of me watch my show. Please.

VOX POPLAR- That's all the time we've got for now. I gotta go and Keith Olberman needs to take his meds. Goodbye.

Don't Plame Me, I Didn't Do It!

VOX POPLAR- As you read this, the Middle East is on fire as Israel retaliates over kidnappings and missile attacks perpetrated by Hezbollah and Hamas. This has put the world on the brink of global war. However, since I'm looking to be more like the mainstream media I'm going to flog a dead horse. Joining me today is Valerie Plame and her husband Joe Wilson about their new lawsuit welcome to my blog.

VALERIE PLAME- I'm very happy to be here.

JOE WILSON- Thanks for having us. It's been 24 hours since our last interview and we've been going through withdrawal.

VALERIE PLAME- That's my Joey-bear, always gets the yips when nobody's paying him any attention.

VOX POPLAR- Let's cut to the chase. You've filed a lawsuit against Vice President Dick Cheney, aide Karl Rove, and Scooter Libby over your supposed outing as a CIA employee. Why don't you tell the one or two people who read this blog why?

VALERIE PLAME- The answer is simple. Fitzmas didn't come.

VOX POPLAR- You mean the supposed indictments of senior Bush administration officials by special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald?

JOE WILSON- Exactly. We demanded that Karl Rove be frog-marched out of the White House in handcuffs, and the bastard Fitzgerald said he wasn't going to prosecute.

VALERIE PLAME- All because he didn't do anything wrong. What kind of lame excuse is that?

JOE WILSON- Couldn't he get enough Democrats on the Grand Jury to shove an indictment through? What's the point of having a special prosecutor if he can't imprison someone for no good reason?

VOX POPLAR- What has your exposure as a CIA agent cost you Mrs. Plame?

VALERIE PLAME- For one thing a $2.5 million book deal with Crown, that's one thing.

JOE WILSON- Yeah and my book's sitting in the remainder bin, selling for $1.99 a pound. We need this lawsuit.

VALERIE PLAME- Damn right. Simon & Schuster will only pay the big bucks if I get a trial.

VOX POPLAR- So that's the real reason for the lawsuit, to salvage your new book deal.

VALERIE PLAME- Yes.

JOE WILSON- We've developed a taste for the best and the best don't come cheap!

VOX POPLAR- So it has nothing to do with a White House conspiracy blowing your cover?

VALERIE PLAME- Nope. We need the trial to provide a big climax for the narrative, if we get an all Daily Kos reading jury and win, it'll be a triumph, if we lose, we'll be martyrs for the vast neo-con conspiracy. I mean who outside the media really believes I was some sort of undercover spy? You'd have to be a complete moron to miss the fact that the Russians blew my cover a decade ago, and that's why I was working as an analyst.

JOE WILSON- And only someone with brain damage would believe my half-assed story about Niger when I keep changing it to suit whatever my buddies in the Democratic Party want. How could blowing my wife's cover discredit me? I think I've already discredited myself pretty thoroughly.

VALERIE PLAME- And it's not like everyone didn't already know that worked in the CIA, hell Joe was bragging about it to anyone who would listen.

JOE WILSON- What can I say, I'm proud of her.

VOX POPLAR- Wow. I never expected such honesty from you two. So what do you two think about the growing evidence of some sort of CIA conspiracy against the Bush Administration?

VALERIE PLAME- The CIA has to conspire against someone. And since we're so bad at conspiring against America's enemies, we figured we'd try to knock down people who are defending America. I mean they are Republicans, eeewww.

VOX POPLAR- But there's a war going on. Don't you think it's irresponsible, if not downright dangerous for the CIA to subvert the American government?

JOE WILSON- We're Democrats, being irresponsible with national security is the only thing left that we're good at.

VALERIE PLAME- Don't try to take that away from us, we're already in talks to get Reese Witherspoon to play me in movie version.

VOX POPLAR- I think we better wrap this up. Goodbye, and good riddance.