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[13 Sep 2001|11:52pm] |
I have another ear infection.
Tomorrow, I will not be on Zoloft anymore; I will be on Celexa. It sounds like some kind of futuristic aerobics workout, Celexa does. 1000 mg of Depakote ER now.
Inventories being kept.
Instead of discussing music now, and various other frivolous whatnot, Jenny and I discuss...politics. And foreign policy. And strategy? and war? and who thinks what, and what is what and. Well, it's different, you know? I've become this sponge, in two days I have become this absolute fucking whore to the news, and reading articles about what these attacks mean, angry with myself for not being prepared, at least in terms of knowledge, to deal with this beforehand. Never again will I feel as ignorant as I do right now.
I'm so tired, too, of hearing the so-called upright people of the world, and their goddamn upright opinions. I'm scared, too, you know? I'm scared of war. I am opposed to war. I am opposed to what happened on Tuesday. I am opposed to the idea that this could go unpunished, and happen again, simply because we are a "peace-loving people". I don't demand blood; I don't demand revenge and I am appalled, and irritated, and disgusted by the audacity some people have had to assume that those of us who aren't willing to preserve peace at any cost are, among other things, racists, blood-thirsty, hasty, unthinking, or too proud, or have had our judgment clouded by our emotions. I just wish that it registered with more people that this was a disgusting, disgusting thing that happened, an act of senseless violence perpetrated by terrorists. We are not lowering ourselves to their level if we protect ourselves from anymore devastation.
And furthermore, I don't think patriotism at a time like this is uncool or deserving of anyone's scorn.
I know everyone is entitled to an opinion, but I've heard a lot of self-righteous talk the past few days, and I'm just baffled by it. Who are you to think you are above the rest of us for your self-proclaimed rationale? Your detachment? Your desire to perpetuate an ideal, something utopian you'd like to hold onto even though clearly things have changed?
I know, I'm biased. I can count on both hands the number of close friends I could have lost. I can count on more hands if I had them, the number of people I know in New York City. Without ever having been there, for the love of God, I could have lost so much when those planes hit.
Regardless, though, I know myself well and I know that I see now, and would always be capable of seeing a clear and definite difference between tens of thousands of mostly peaceable, hard-working people dying, and retaliating against the heartless, reckless individuals and/or groups who killed them and would and will not hesitate to do it again.
I just can't see how there aren't more people who are afraid of what will happen if we don't do something. I don't know what I mean by "something". Believe me, I'm scared shitless. I know the implications.
Just...knock if off. Some of you. Stop patting yourselves on the back because you think you have it all figured out. None of us do. This is unfathomable. It's not something you or I could figure out.
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I've almost lost track of myself. I'm just going to...listen to Canadian Amp and sleep. Sorry for being so lengthy.
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