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Friday, February 22nd, 2002
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3:07 am
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Yay for the hot plate.
Just like old times, like the honeymoon period, but.. not really.
whatever.
On a side note: my whole hall is filled with pot smoke.
Welcome to Myers.
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| Thursday, February 21st, 2002
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11:01 pm - UNPRODUCTIVE HATE. GRRRR.... hehe
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hello kids...
So I'm feeling slightly better, though I wish I had felt well enough to go to the Oxford debate tonight... not so much for the debate, though I think it would be cool, but to see my long lost friends Sarah and Bobby.
I've read about 100 pages in the book Choke by Chuck Palahniuk tonight. Not very productive, considering I have an ass load of stuff to read before my two midterms next week. Bleh.
I'm going home tomorrow. I had planned on not going until next weekend, but stupid Tech Crew decided to call a Full Crew show on that Friday, so I can no longer leave town. I want to see Lee, I just don't want to drive 4 hours tomorrow, and, plus, all my friends plus Brian are staying in town this weekend. Bleh! Fun without Liz. No fair.
I am bitter lately. The beautiful weather does nothing to me but make me scowl at the sun. I skipped my first class today in order to sleep. Sleep is so nice.
A lot of stupid people go to school here. And I don't like them. That's my two cents on the fine diversity of UGA.
current mood:  sick
current music: Reel Big Fish - Beer (yeah! Like I'm in 9th grade)
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4:11 pm - hell yeah.
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Wow, your inner rock star is Bjork. You've charmed the world with your beautiful, zany, personal style. To say you're a member of the alternative set would be a gross understatement. You and Bjork define alternative in its purest form. You've got nothing to prove, it's your remarkably creative point of view that lets you make art from anything—art, music, politics—whatever makes you passionate. It's just who you are. You've got the courage to experiment with your style and career, and all the while remaining positively sweet and humble. You are as much a free spirit as they come. Celebrate your inner Bjork.
from Emode.com
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9:47 am
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I don't want to leave my futon today.
Bleh.
I have classes until 5. I will most likely be dead by then.
Yesterday, after getting 8 hours of sleep the night before, I slept for a total of 9 more hours during the day, then last night, I got 9 more hours of sleep.
i want more.
pathetic.
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| Wednesday, February 20th, 2002
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11:37 am
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12:17 am - How do you measure a year of life?
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I could probably measure it in chic-lets, considering I bought a huge bag from Sam's last week and I am now incredibly addicted.
I can feel the madness stew inside me. I put on a fair facade, to the point where I can make myself believe it's just me being my crazy self. It always is.
I wonder what makes me do this to people. One day they can be my best friend, and the next, everything they say annoys the crap out of me. As Lee pointed out, I know it's me, not them, who changes. Bizarre, really. It only occurs with certain people, no matter their closeness to me, or the depth of our friendship.
I can no longer hide my feelings. Maybe I never could, I now just have someone to call me on them. It's kind of annoying.
I forget what it's like to be my own person. With my boyfriend in a different city, you would think we lead completely separate lives, but, instead, everything I do is somehow tied to him. I'm not ungrateful, I love him, and don't necessarily view this as a bad thing. I know I could probably survive without him in my life, though I'm to the point where I don't ever want to.
I can't believe I'm this old.
I can't believe someone is in love with me.
I can't believe the next few years bring decisions I must be faced with everyday for the remainder of my time on earth. I'm over whelmed with the thought, let alone the work.
I saw RENT tonight. I liked it a lot. I miss going to plays. Ah, the one good thing about high school -- Thespians and their free plays. I guess I was supposed to leave RENT feeling uplifted and determined to live every day like it's my last, but instead I left thoughtful and sad.
I'm just going to sit for awhile.
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| Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
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12:36 am - falling is like this...
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I just took a 30 minute shower. It was nice. you know, I truly do not mind community bathrooms: I've never had to wait to pee or take a shower, no one comes in and bothers you with things like "telephone's for you", you don't ever have to clean it, and the hot water never ever runs out. Man, I love long hot showers. It's a wonder I don't take more...
So it seems in my rant about not having any friends, I forgot to include a very important detail: I have the best friends in the entire world, I just don't have many. And it's not really so much that I want more, I would just like people to hang out with, you know? Not every relationship for me has to be a deep soul-searching one, though it is a plus.
I went to the orthopedist for the last time today. He said my ankle is healing fine, and I should gradually get back to my normal, fully-functional leg movement life. His only restrictions were to not run or jump for awhile. What did I do? I played racquetball about two hours later. And my ankle hurt. But it was fucking worth it. I love racquetball, even though Vash perpetually kicks my ass.
Come to think of it, I had a pretty good day, considering the majority consisted of someone who is continuously climbing my list of favorite people (Okay, I don't really have a list. Hell, I wouldn't even know where to start... but you get my drift). It's a wonderful feeling to be able to say absolutely whatever you want without feeling like you're being too revealing, too overwhelming, too assuming, and too retarded. Few people can do this for me.
Speaking of those people, I haven't talked to Heather in a long while. It sucks.
Feels like reckless driving when we're talking
It's fun while it lasts, and it's faster than walking
But no one's going to sympathize when we crash
They'll say "you hit what you head for, you get what you ask"
and we'll say we didn't know, we didn't even try
one minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky
current mood: sore throat
current music: Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes
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| Sunday, February 17th, 2002
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6:12 am
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That's right. 6 am. I could of held on for another hour, but I decided I'd had enough of the heart-pounding, sleep-deprived, confused state I was in. So here I am, back in my dorm room, un-raped, even though I walked through North Campus alone.
I redyed my hair tonight. I should go with the black but I'm scared. For some reason, I think I look better the darker my hair is.
Bob and I saw Waking Life today. I didn't like it. I felt like I was in Philosophy class or having a stupid, overrated, "deep" pretentious conversation. The painting over the 35mm was really cool. The story distracted from the visual beauty. boo.
I'm waking up my roommate. I guess that's not very nice.
Tears have been fleeting on my face all evening. They brim, and then I get distracted and they quickly disappear. I guess it'll all come out soon.
I decided that I either need to find some more friends or join Demo., since I didn't have anyone to hang out with tonight. I can't meet people. Well, I take that back. I meet people, and they don't like me, don't want to hang out with me, blah blah blah. Or I'm always the "friend of the friend." What do you people want? What do I not have? Are you all secretly just concerned with looks, first impressions, and overbearing friendliness? I guess I fail at all these. Whatever. I don't even care. I find myself longing for you even more, or not so much you, but me when I'm with you. I want to be able to cry, to laugh, to be quiet if I want to be, and for it to be understood that neither of us is going to go anywhere. I can't deal with the masses. I can't deal with the facade. I don't want it, but no one new seems to want anything more with me than a few minutes of polite conversation. I'm sorry I'm not cute. I'm sorry I don't write books. I'm sorry I'm not searching for some novel connection. I say I'm sorry for all these things but all I really want to say is fuck you, and fuck me for careing.
Drawing a collective breath
I could cry myself to death
and wash this all away
In a flash you were gone
leaving me a couple of songs
that I listen to everyday
And I don't even care
that you were so unfair
I worshiped one time at your feet
Save up our tears
Catalog all our fears
Give into the stretching years
Your words hit me just last night
when I saw it with the after sight
what was on your mind
Too late to ever change
things go a little bit strange
you were too far behind
And the reasons I have to live
Are the reasons that you would give
to throw it all away
Save and freeze up our tears
Catalog all our fears
Give into the stretching years
But that's OK
And I can't understand
why you folded with a winning hand
and decided to throw the bet
I just can't believe you'd leave
with an ace sticking up your sleeve
you could have paid off your debts
And I don't even care
that you were so unfair
I worshiped one time at your feet
Never heard what was said
All nerve ends are dead
Tinnitus ringing in my head
Save and freeze up our tears
Catalog all our fears
Give into the stretching years
Drown in my tears
Succumb to my fears
Give into the stretching years
but that's O.K.
I'm not O.K.
but that's O.K.
current mood: not happy.
current music: Local H - O.K.
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| Friday, February 15th, 2002
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2:46 am
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I'm am saddened.
and no, it has nothing to do with a stupid holiday.
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| Thursday, February 14th, 2002
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12:10 am
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I just finished? my Philosophy paper that's due on Friday so that I can go see Jonathon Richmond tomorrow night. However, I just heard about the Hedwig thing and I'm terribly depressed that I'm not going to that considering Lee would probably think I was God if I met John Cameron Mitchell and got his autograph for him. Oh well, I guess the worshipping will have to wait for another time when I have the chance to meet the actor, writer, and director of a movie we both love. Bleh! Jonathon Richmond! woo. He is worth it, right?
So I got into my major (advertising). YAY!!@! I now am part of the class who attends the sixth best Journalism school in the nation. Hell yeah.
Not to mention I finally have a point in going to college.
I am now experiencing unbearable pain caused by the retainer I havn't worn in forever. Fuck that. It's coming out.
I don't feel like writing more. So sorry...
current mood:  worried
current music: Pink Floyd - The Wall
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| Tuesday, February 12th, 2002
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12:49 am
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I would like to start off my entry with the time-old declaration that Valentines Day is a retarded Holiday. It's true. What the hell is the point of it? To make people who aren't in a relationship feel lonely and hide in their rooms, crying, while watching romantic movies like "When Harry Met Sally", cursing everyone with a significant other? Well fuck that. Despite the fact that I have a boyfriend, I'm not celebrating Valentines Day. In fact, I think I'm going to declare myself single on the only day declared in celebration of love. It's dumb. DUMB. I'm going to the 40 Watt to see Jonathon Richmond. So Ha. And anyone who isn't going to be a poop about it can come with me.
So now that's out of the way...
New Orleans was fun. People are absolutly insane. And Burbon Street was everything I imagined it would be, including more tits and video cameras I could have hoped for.
I got a lot of beads. Got plenty drunk. Saw my friend Megan. Yay for Mardi Gras!
Now I'm tired as hell.
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| Friday, February 8th, 2002
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12:05 am
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well.. hmm
I'm not tired, though I have been all day. I have two exams tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. However, I am looking forward to the Mardi Gras partay I'll be attending this weekend down in New Orleans. Quite the excitement.
Hmmm.. what has happened this week? I succeeded in winning my friend back, though doubtful he was ever gone. I studied a lot. Saw John Mayer last night, which was entertaining. Heather, Cheryl, Emily, and I signed our apartment lease for next year. We're living in the same complex as Sarah and Connie, so It's promising that I will never leave the area.
Vash is going to Italy this summer, so I hope to meet up with him in some random country, in random europe. Oh, and Dan said he might be around London (because you know, that's just what people do... go to europe.. ho hum) so hopefully I'll get to hang out with him. If not, oh well. It's still London. Though I'd much rather be going somewhere else with a larger culture difference than the US, and wasn't so fucking expensive. Yeah.. what am I doing? Complaining?
I'm going to Mardi Gras and getting absurdly trashed and looking at all the Crazies... woo woo.
Have a good weekend everyone, and pray I don't get raped.
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| Tuesday, February 5th, 2002
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12:50 am
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to no one but myself
i am wise
In the grooves of your smile/the light bounces/It bounces./Coffee mugs stained with/the work of laughter/mock the day/And tomorrow it will wander/like the heart always does/and my cries will be silent/as to not distract your contempt/Noses are like faces/hidden in the sky/but the smell is fleeting/following the wind/i drew circles around you/for an easy target/and my adjectives escape me/
like the darts/if souls could run/I know right where yours would be.
your soul may be flying
but mine never leaves the ground.
current mood: accomplished
current music: claire and bain's - malt liquor
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| Monday, February 4th, 2002
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1:43 am
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And I wait for his call.
There's something about the premise with me. If Lee says he is going to call, I feel like I'm giving in by calling him first. I'm more obsessive than he is. I don't like it a bit.
I didn't get any work accomplished today. I have two tests this week. Bleh. School is a pain in the ass. It always interferes. Right.
So, I've been looking things up on the GMAT and business schools in general. It's wonderful to find out that a whole lot of schools have undergrad. courses required before admittance, meaning I will not be going there, I suppose. Or else I'll just have to do undergraduate work for an extra year or two. What fun.
I have three semesters left after this one. After the summer, I only have 37 hours left to fulfill, making my life scary as hell. I mean, what the fuck? I'll be 21 and out of college. Some might see this as a blessing, but I see it as a curse. I don't know what the hell I want to do with my life. I'm defiantly trying to come up with a plan to get me to stay for at least four semesters. I think a semester long internship will do it.
I had semi-insightful things to type, but they seem to have left me. Sometimes I feel cheated as a credible person because I do think a lot, but I have no form of articulating my feelings and thoughts well enough for others to see into them. I guess I appear shallow, or shy, or just not "cool" enough. And that's fine. If people don't care enough to give me a chance to prove I can have dreams, and logic, and can think in poetry even if I can't write it, then fuck them... they probably aren't as cool as they seem anyway.
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| Sunday, February 3rd, 2002
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5:01 am
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Man. People stress me out.
I saw Claire and Bain's Maple Yum-Yum tonight, which was wonderful. They played until around 1 am. I'm in love with Bain.
Yum.
Went to Andy's. Standard Andy party. Fun. Weird, Random people. Whatever. Got home about 45 minutes ago.
It was cold enough for the hot plate tonight and I sat outside for awhile, the pot smell from my jacket so overwhelming that I mostly contemplated the bitch of doing laundry tomorrow. I thought back to long talks outside at wee hours and wanted Bobby to be there so badly. I think about how much I love him, and, instead of being happy, I just get sadder and scared that maybe he doesn't love me as much and I'm just an inch away from loosing the special friendship I depend so much on.
Ah, but sorrows are for dreams.
And Dreams are for now.
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| Saturday, February 2nd, 2002
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1:21 pm
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It's nice to know that not only can I not attract guys, but they think I'm a lesbian.
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| Friday, February 1st, 2002
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8:26 am - Class being cancelled can't begin to make up for this.
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To Self:
I'm brought to tears at 8 in the morning at the library. Something wrong? No. Nothing could be wrong if there's no one to hear, no one to fear. I'm fine. Fucking fine. And I wish you would pretend to be for once. Why don't you relax. You know, worrying about the meaning of life and true love is just dandy, but I need a fucking break. I don't want to pretend to be poetic, pretend to care, pretend that I'm beautiful inside. I don't want to talk about being left out, about feeling like a discarded wheel, about knowing how you feel. I just want to go. Have fun. Have conversation. Laugh. With you.
And someday I'll learn that flowers wilt and there's always another garden to pick from.
How's that for poetry?
Somedays when I wake up, I can do it all.
I may lay down, but I will never fall.
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| Thursday, January 31st, 2002
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10:58 pm
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I just bought Kieslowski's Tres Colores on DVD from ebay.
I'm very excited.
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| Wednesday, January 30th, 2002
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11:32 pm
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So here I am... Not studying for my Social and Personality Development test which occurs tomorrow. Instead, I reread journals, check my email, read away messages, and return to the same websites. Lovely.
I'm in a black, sarcastic mood. I'm tired as all hell, and I'm going to fail psychology. This, of course, is mainly the reason for my foul mood, but I shall also pretend to bring in other elements to the equation, such as loneliness, sorrow, abandonment, and grief. Yes, I think that covers my entire pretend morbid stage I'm going through.
current music: Heroin is so Passe
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| Monday, January 28th, 2002
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9:35 am - .memories of the memories.
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::What I've kept with me
And what I've thrown away
And where the hell I've ended up
On this glary random day
Were the things I really cared about
Just left along the way
For being too pent up and proud::
I can't decide if I believe in regret. Sure, I'd like to be one who takes life how I chose, how I choose, but I believe that no matter how hard one tries to displace the "what ifs," they are still there, hovering, reminding, taunting you, or possibly, rewarding you. The circumstances are the same, but your views have changed. This is Elizabeth's mind, mocking you.
The problem now is that no one knows where "home" is. I'm at a loss, as I know you are. But, instead of supporting each other, cuddling in our so-called bed, we fly around searching for the image we've always known.
Maybe all hope is not lost for the nice little niche we once felt. Though, now I feel like I'm not the one who changed, but my surroundings. Selfish, I know, but truthfully, I don't really care. I know that you are loving it, living in every curve of change that comes at you. I'm not very well adapted myself. I wish for change to come only at my beck and call. This is why I feel left behind. Like my friends have all abandoned me to mutter in the past. However, I know this is not the case, that it is actually my fault for being uninteresting, unundedrstanding, difficult to talk to, and hard to get to know. Though I don't really feel like I am hard to get to know, it's just that no one wants to get to know me. Their loss, right? Right.
My boyfriend is currently in my dorm room, while I am here at the library, waiting for my next class to start. I love having him here, even when he acts drunk and talks about computer games. It makes me realize what we are missing out on, not living in the same city during the entire year. He seems to get along with my three friends fairly well, which makes me happier than it should, probably.
I had a fairly good weekend. "Hung out." Saw "In the Bedroom," which I enjoyed a lot. Had a fiasco at the HOJO, which has now lost my business for life. Unusually fun dinner last night. That's it, in a "nutshell", as the saying goes.
::I poured my heart out. It evaporated... see?::
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