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Monday, April 22nd, 2002

12:59 am

alright, it's been a long day. well, i worked all day, and i do mean all day long.

got home and he was back, that made me a bit happier. so we talked abotu his trip and all sorts of stuff for a while.plus, mo found me a new routing system for my website. he rocks the house yo.

these feed the children commercials bother me, i mean, i feel bad for those kids, but those companys make so much money and the money you donate never makes it to those kids. what can you do?

i have a meeting tomorrow, my only day off this week, the same week where i'm scheduled for about 50 hours. we have our big inspection on thursday, woop woop. somehow, i gotta go see my boy before then to preserve my sanity and see some other folks than my coworkers and family. ugh.

i'm in chicago in like 2 weeks, woohoo!

i'm in texas in like 2 monthes, woohoo!

i'm at camp trans in like 4 monthes, woohoo, but also, wow, it's creeping up on us.

my birthday, aka, Joshigras, aka, labor day weekend is in like 5 monthes, WOOHOO!!

sigh, i think that's all. need to finish my email, or my addiction for the night.

current music: Britney Spears-Stronger

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Saturday, April 20th, 2002

11:19 pm

Jesse, i loved your post about the FTM forum, and, for the record, i agree with yer boy.

For the Chicago kids- i think i am coming up for the weekend of may 4-6, whatever that is. dee, can i crash at your place? i can find somewhere else if i have to, not a big deal. emily, we must hang out, we just must.

My huge inspection at work got bumped up 2 weeks early, so now it's like next week. oy! the entire store is flipping out, but, i am staying cool, cuz honestly, it's not a big deal. this is me psyching myself out. good inspection=big raise=i get the store.

i've been thinking about how my life is lately, and i think i'm happy just having a bunch of folks around that i super trust with my emotions, as opposed to having folks that are a part of making those emotions, if that makes sense. i dunno, i like having people that are more than friends, but it's also more weight and stress on my heart and myself than i can handle right now. it's a hard call, i just don't know.

i spiked my hair into a mohawk today, only to have it fall under the humidity of work. bastards!

i went to the doctor's today before work to get some bloodwork done and pick up my new inhaler samples. grrr. for those of you who aren't in the know, i'm trying to ween myself off of all my asthma meds before i start T. i've been on these meds since i was 7, and it's very hard, but i want nothing else in my body except for T when the time comes. i just don't like how my body feels anymore with those meds in me, but at the same time, it's horrible trying to get off them.

okay, time to do my nightly rounds of e-mail and checking message boards, i simply go crazy if i get out of my routines, it's sick.

current music: NFL2K on the sega

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Thursday, April 18th, 2002

11:29 pm

i'm incredibly bored, my late night crew are all M.I.A. tonight. blah.

i open in the morning, but i'm like not so tired right now. i have a lot on my mind. lots of stuff that make me wish my crew were around to talk to, at least dee or emily dammit.

i am slowly trying to decide where i want to move to and when i want to do it. chicago right now is just a bunch of old memories to me now. all my friends and close folks that were there are all moved away for the most part. the big tranny circles are gone, like the next wave of folks are there now, and that's cool, but it's not my scene anymore.

i was reading this guys LJ tonight and it struck me as odd. he complains about being homeless and how it sucks. but at the same time he talks about how he spends money on new ID's with a boy name on it, his sex life, and shopping sprees of sorts. i dunno, if i was homeless, perhaps my transition wouldn't be my first priority, but hey, that's me.

i got interviewed tonight for a magazine. it was kinda nice. woop woop.

my eye is itching and driving my insane.

i need a new hobby, hmm, any suggestions from those who know me well.

i am done with The Vampire Lestat, and all i can say is wow. i love anne rice and the vampires in those stories. they lead such intricate and ironic lives.

i hate summer, for the bazillionth time already posted. it's too humid and my chest is killing me, inside and out. my asthma is killing me and the binding is horrible, damn, talk about in between a rock and a hard place.

speaking of which....mo, did you get transdomestic and fix up yer binder? have a good time kid, i'll try to call you saturday or so. it's odd not to see you online.

doopty doo, what else.....i dunno. i guess that's all for now.

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12:01 am

i remember the first time i bought a binder. i didn't know then that it would become an essential part of my life, my sense of self, and part of what makes me feel sexy when i see myself. i love my binder for so many reasons, in a few ways it's a love/hate relationship. i love the days i forget i'm even wearing it. i love it, it makes me feel like me.

i thought of this because i just helped a great young man go and get his first binder. that makes me happy. happy for him, happy for myself that i'm at a place where i can help him, happy that there are things in this world that can mask our pain sometimes.

on this note, since we're talking about chests and stuff...what is a perfect body? to me, it's one that i can wrap my arms around and tell myself, hey, we're alright just the way we are. one day, i'm gonna be perfect.

i hate when stress makes my face breakout, grrr, damn.

i hate how summer constantly reminds me how i'm not a boy.

Kristina- the Jboy will be in the great state of Texas from the 6-12th of july. we'll find some way to hook up. josh in texas, man, never thought i'd say that.

alright, i'm waiting for mo to get back so we can chat. i miss you kid, i'm sorry we couldn't hang out tonight. our schedules can bite me.

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Wednesday, April 17th, 2002

10:38 pm

my thoughts are with the diva, who had his chest surgery today. it's been a long day. i dunno. i'm kind of awake. i talked to dee, which was great. off to waste time current music: Requiem for the Dream Soundtrack
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12:15 am

start out by saying, dee, i love you and am concerned about you babe, if you read this, email me or something. hope you are feeling better.

next line of business, i'm sick of summer already. why can't it be like 65 year round? i hate humidity, heat, bugs, the sun making my hair red, sweating for no good reason, it's just gross.

just had a great talk with emily, i miss that kid to death. talked to mo a bit earlier. worked a while today.

stupid josh moment of the day:

i'm waiting for the bus today and i had to use my inhaler. i didn't notice there was a furrball in the inhaler so i accidently shot this furrball down my throat. i sounded like some darn cat trying to hack up, as it was, a furrball the entire bus ride. the rest of the bus minions were not pleased with the hacking fag of a white boy.

off to finish emails then get my tired, hot, oh yes, h o t baby!, butt in bed.

mo, if you want me to come over tomorrow night e-mail me. i get home around like 5 and can be there by 7, i'm off thursday morning so i won't be in a rush to get home. let me know handsome.

current music: K's Choice

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Monday, April 15th, 2002

11:30 pm

so i know i've posted a lot today, but, i also have a lot on my mind. i have been reading about matt rice, this ftm guy who is super rad. anyhow, i have felt so much more at ease with myself just reading about him than i have lately, and that feels good.

i dunno. i right now am in the process of getting my body physically ready to start T, it's gonna take a while, but i'm waiting for a while until i feel healthy enough physically to start changing. it's scary to imagine being on T, but at this point, it's almost scary to not be on T. i'm just ready to grow up. plain and simple.

i work tomorrow. blah. truck day, guh, time to rest my muscle, it will be needed.

i tend to think a lot about where my life woudl be now if i was on T already. would the same people find me attractive, how would my friends interact with me, how would my family see me. all those things. sigh. i wish i could just wake up and everything be like, well, like it should be. i'm sick of scrutinizing over this decision every 3 or 4 monthes. it gets old. life shouldn't revolve around yer gender, there's like so much more to us as human beings. it sucks. it really sucks that we make ourselves into our own harshest critics.

current music: Blur- Boys and Girls

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9:13 pm

Go Army.com is like my favorite site right now. for real. i'm trying to score my army of one tshirt. so i emailed them and got this response:

Thank you for your interest in the United States Army, *insert my great name here*

The basic qualifications for enlistment include being from 17 to 34 years
old, be a U.S citizen or resident alien, have a high school diploma or
equivalent, be single with no children or married with 2 or less children,
pass the ASVAB test and the physical. You could also not be undergoing any
civil actions, certain law violations will disqualify you.
One for Active Duty http://www.goarmy.com/dm101/
That is the link for a t-shirt.
217-787-2769 there is a number to a local recruiting office if you would
like more detailed information.

Please feel free to email me again with any other concerns or questions you
may have.
Thank you again.

William Beaulieu
Cyber Recruiter
United States Army Recruiting Command
E-mail: William.Beaulieu@usarec.army.mil
http://www.GoArmy.com

so, this guy is a cyber recruiter, i could do that job. but my plan is to get my shirt and video, then when they start calling for me, to well, tell them, and then i'll be one of those damn queers and they can't accept me, either that or chronic asthma, but the queer card is way radder.

anyhow, i talked to the king of queer porn last night, it was rather nice.

i got an e-mail fromn the missing ms. hunken. that was great and made my day, plus, ms. hunken has connections, muhahahaha. but i do love her just because too.

got my taxes done today, stopped by my store and talked to folks for a bit. and now, i'm huddled in our basement with my brother cuz the rest of the house is burning up. damn i hate summer. i honestly don't know of any pre op tranny who likes summer, it drives me insane.

grrrr.

5 monthes til fall, let's start counting down.

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5:59 pm

whew, i got my tax stuff done. went to work for a little bit. talked to dee for a while. did the dishes. man, summer is here. good lord.
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12:10 pm

god i hate taxes. my mom said that if i don't get them done today, the feds were gonna do me like they did capone. hmmm, i'm sure that there was more to milk out of capone than little joshie boy. on the tax websites there are little clocks counting down the hours you have to file. this is disturbing. back to the man...
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2:40 am

it's damn near 3am, i've been cursing like a sailor all night, talked to some super rad folks, and yes.... i think i have a muscle forming on one of my arms. go me! plus, have i mentioned that i'm kinda seeing a super cute boy that i miss a ton?
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Sunday, April 14th, 2002

11:58 pm

so i emailed a lot of folks tonight for camp trans stuff, hopefully i will get some good responses by the end of the week.

i'm not really all that down with being categorized with some radical anti-trans feminists, and i got grouped that way on a message boards today. like there is room i this world for everyone to think as they want granted, but, well, i don't attack unless i'm provoked. i have my own politics, but i'm also not trying to show up everyone else to make myself seem larger and more politically correct. like, political correctness, whatever, none of us are perfect so why the fuck are some of us acting like we are?

talked to jesse tonight, always a delight brother.

i'm looking at other job options, i love my job, but i'm not getting anywhere financially, and i need to get the fuck out of here soon. the urge to go on T is overtaking me again. the fact that it comes and goes makes me leary of going on it, but it's prety harsh this time. i wish i had folks to talk to about this, sigh. it's like a fight going on inside my head. it makes me sad cuz no one gets it, and the folks that do get it i never get to talk to.

anyways. i am gonna try to go to bed early, haha, yeah, like that will happen.

current music: Radiohead-Pablo Honey album

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4:28 pm

okay, so, hmm. first off, my plans, yet again, are on the skids.

then, i looked at my planner, and, yes, i have forgotten to file my taxes, and they are due tomorrow. dammit! plus, i seem to have lost my w-2 form, dammit!!

so i gotta go file for an extension tomorrow, ruining the bliss of my day off.

i would really like to go see mo tonight, but the kid is exhausted. have i mentioned how our schedules suck lately?

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1:51 pm

whew, when yer boss offers to buy you drinks, you always go. so i went, had more newcastle's than i should of, played a bunch of pool, and then came home to pass out until like an hour ago.

before i left though, i had possibly one of the best conversations with mo, yes, dear, i'll hyperlink your name again. i think it was one of the first times neither of us were like stressing about something. i'm gonna call you around 5 or so to see what's up, cuz i want to see you tonight since the coming week is gonna be crazy busy again.

i'm hungry. hmm, what to do. oh shoot, i gotta remember to emai the camp trans kids. must remember to do this.

yes, appearently i have subway on the way, i tell ya, so far, this weekend has been ptretty good. there is maybe one or two things that would of made it better. haha, speaking of which, appearently i was gonna be killed if i didn't go to work yesterday by mo, hmmm, well, these idle threats mean nothing to me, nothing!

okay, off to check message boards, take a shower, eat my sammich, and, later, call my boy.

peace out. and yea for jesse calling me out in his LJ, woohoo.

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Saturday, April 13th, 2002

12:28 am

whew. i just posted on a bunch of message boards and did some stuff on my website. i need to go to bed, but i'm kinda awake right now.
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Friday, April 12th, 2002

9:28 pm

Last 3 CD/tapes I bought: Blur-Best of Blur, Radiohead-Pablo Honey, Sex Pistols-Best of

I am in love with all those bands, and I lost all those cd's somehow, so I replaced them tonight.

Every Radiohead lyric, I swear, I'm like, yes Thom, I feel ya.

Case in point...

"I want to breathe, I want to grow,
I'd say I want it but I don't know how.
I work, I bleed, I beg, I pray"

aw hell, just go here, there's too many great lyrics to name.

Pablo Honey is quite possibly my favorite Radiohead album, but, they are all so great. It's s tough call. I love the sounds that band makes. Blur too actually, I do have a penchant for British and European bands, I know, I'm not denying it.

I mean "American" music of late, hmmm, I mean it's good there is some really good stuff, but in the long run, it's becoming all the same shit. I like a lot of it, but, when's the last time a totally new sound came out? I dunno, I'm rambling and not making sense.

I have yet to see Garbage: Behind the Music, do you guys have any idea how this distresses me? AH!

Check it out..tonight my mom and I go shopping after dinner to make ourselves feel better, hehehe. Well, on the way outside she tells me that two women were debating my gender in line behind us. My mom says that she was gonna just turn aroudn and tell them they were right. Ha! I love my mom to death, she rocks the house yo.

Speaking of parents, bug hugs to Emily and Mo, who are both havign parental visits this weekend.

I'll be on later maybe. I wanted to find some new sheets for my bed while shopping but I can't find the color I want, cherry red, how hard is it to make cherry red sheets? Damn it!

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2:22 am

by the way....i want to give major shout outs to my good friend emily. i've been dealing with some stuff, actually emily and dee have proven themselves to be very good friends to me the last few days. i just want to say that i love you both very much and we all need to get together again very soon. current music: Requiem For The Dream Soundtrack still
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2:02 am

ahhhhh, so i'm feeling a bit better. it's amazing to me how talking about things that are on your mind really help a bit.

i also added a old poem of mine to my webpage. hey, want a direct link? you got it!

anyhow, what am i gonna do tomorrow on my day off you ask? simple. wake up, clean my room. check my e-mail. update my date planner for the coming week, yes mo you can call me a geek if you must...be glad yer cute or i might get offended. i'm also gonna read some more of The Vampire Lestat, god, i love anne rice, she is absolutely amazing.

tomorrow is also PAYDAY!! WOOHOO! gotta pay some bills, maybe go buy some more pants since there is a hella sale going down out by my store right now, but i gotta start saving money up, i'm so bad at saving money.

dee, kristina, jesse, and emily and the other great friend of mine that read this, i miss you all and will talk to you all soon. kristina, by the way, looks like the 4-10th of july maybe is when i'll be in texas, for your general information, no pressure.

i'm tired, been up since 7, i even had 2 meetings at work today, opened the store, fixed the air conditioner, sweat to death, dunked my head numerous times in the sinks to stay cool, and had a good day overall.

okay. hugs to everyone that i can't give hugs to. and all you folks need to submit, ahem, ahem, jesse, kristina.

current music: Requiem for the Dream Soundtrack

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Thursday, April 11th, 2002

10:04 pm

god, i am so, like, a mixture of upset, sad, bored, and god, just a bunch of other ones that i can't think of right now.

i was supposed to have plans for tonight, but they fell through, which kinda bummed me out.

then i got to thinking about my friends, chicago, getting the fuck out of this middle of no where, and it made me sad and depressesd. so that's where i'm at now.

i have to work on saturday, and it pisses me off that my life is dictated by such mundane things, but it is. i have to have my job.

i'm thinking about my future and the people that need to be in it.

i hate that feeling that you get when you feel like you give too much and that no one really gives a flying fuck about you in the long run, you were just too blind to see it.

yea, i'm upset and so my emotions are at the top of me right now. i need to be around my friends, but the friends i got down here are like not wanting my company right now and it all just sucks.

it made me cry to be like all alone for the umpteenth night. i just feel like i'm getting back into that going crazy lonely stage again. ugh. and i never realize it until it's brought up to my attention. then i'm all sad and no one gives a fuck. josh can deal, fuck, i always do cuz you just gotta.

i get paid tomorrow and i can't decide what to do cuz i could go shopping and try to make myself feel better that way, or i could save my money and do something more productive. i don't know. i need to get my money together for this summer.

hmm, i wish i knew something.

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12:14 am

going to bed is i. i'm kind of bummed out right now and there's nothing i can do. i hate when i see friends i really care about like upset or hurting and there's not a damn thing i can do. it really gets to me. mo, check yer email before you go to bed.
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