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Don't Quit Your Day Job Records: Rock Bottom Remainders

CAPITALISM UPDATE

Paying to pee in the Windy City.

(Thanks to Stu Greer)
posted by Dave 4:12 PM

STRANGE DAYS

On CNN, I just watched a perky weather person perkily giving the weather forecast for Baghdad.
posted by Dave 3:56 PM

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM

Together, we will get through this.
posted by Dave 12:11 PM

REMAINDERS UPDATE

My rock band, the world-famous (although not for a good reason) Rock Bottom Remainders, will have a very special guest interview us onstage April 25 in Los Angeles, the night before we peform at the Los Angeles Times book festival.
posted by Dave 7:59 AM

HOMELAND SECURITY UPDATE

Incredibly, we have no defense against this.

(Thanks to L. Powner, I think)
posted by Dave 7:54 AM

EMERGENCY SHELTER UPDATE

This guy woke up refreshed and wrinkle-free.

(Thanks to Madhvi Bakshi)
posted by Dave 7:50 AM

CUSTOMER SERVICE UPDATE

Can this possibly be true? Especially the name of the town the guy lives in.

(Thanks to Victoria Martin)
posted by Dave 7:44 AM

AIRPORT SECURITY UPDATE

You are in a long line at an airport, and from the front of the line, every 15 seconds, a person shouts "PLEASE HAVE YOUR BOARDING PASS AND PHOTO ID AVAILABLE FOR INSPECTION." By the time you reach the front, you have heard this announcement at least 40 times. So imagine how shocked a lot of people -- always including the people right in front of me -- are when they discover that they are supposed to have their boarding pass and photo ID available for inspection.
posted by Dave 7:20 AM

TRAVEL ADVISORY

I am traveling to Trennsylvania today. Blogging will be... Well, I don't know what blogging will be.

posted by Dave 7:14 AM

NEW PICKUP LINE FOR GUYS

"Hey, baby. Want a whiff of my pits?"

(Thanks to Michael Greenspan)
posted by Dave 11:58 AM

MILITARY UPDATE

Now we are getting serious.

(Thanks to Morag Wehrle)
posted by Dave 11:52 AM

ACTION FIGURES

You just know that, in his Secret Undisclosed Location, Dick Cheney has a complete set of these.

(Thanks to Bill Howell)
posted by Dave 11:33 AM

PROTECTING THE CHILDREN

This is the last straw. From now on, my daughter's bedtime stories will consist exclusively of Stephen King.

(Thanks to Jeff Langdon)
posted by Dave 11:24 AM

TECHNOLOGY UPDATE

They claim this is new, but I have been spilling beer onto my laptop keyboard for years.

(Thanks to Greg Mayhew)
posted by Dave 11:20 AM

YUM

Tina Mancuso sent in this excellent cuisine-related link. If you like it, you will love this book by the brilliant Mr. James Lileks.
posted by Dave 11:16 AM

AS SOON AS WE'RE DONE WITH IRAQ

...we will definitely need to do something about this.

(Thanks to Jeff Langdon)
posted by Dave 11:10 AM

THE MYSTERIOUS EAST

It's very hard to figure out what this festival is all about.

(Thanks to J. Bond)
posted by Dave 11:05 AM

DEPARTMENT OF INTERNATIONAL UNDERSTANDING

Responsing to my column this week is about how we can be friends with the French again, Tom Brewer has graciously sent this link to some more useful French phrases.
posted by Dave 10:33 AM

ANNOUNCEMENT

Today is St. Patrick's day, so as evening approaches blogging will be even more incoherent than usual.
posted by Dave 9:48 AM

WHY LAWYERS ARE SO POPULAR

An attorney for the wackjob, excuse me, the alleged wackjob, who allegedly kidnapped Elizabeth Smart allegedly said in a TV interview that his client should get a light sentence. Here is his alleged "reasoning":

Long also suggested that giving a light sentence to his client - whom he referred to as ''the perpetrator'' - could send a signal to kidnappers that they should keep their captives alive.

posted by Dave 9:44 AM

SENSIBLE GOVERNMENT REGULATIONS BENEFITING HUMANITY UPDATE

"OK, Martha, according to the labels, your egg was laid by a chicken named Bernice, whereas mine was..."

(Thanks to Reason Online)
posted by Dave 9:37 AM

BIG APPLE UPDATE

This could make the world forget all about the giant Cheeto.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr)
posted by Dave 9:27 PM

GIANT CHEETO UPDATE

The giant Cheeto is taking today off.
posted by Dave 1:55 PM

BAD TASTE UPDATE

Like you, I do not find this amusing at all.

(Thanks to Michelle Caswell)
posted by Dave 1:54 PM

HERE IT IS

It's Sunday, March 16, which means it's time for your Oklahoma Cockfighting Legislation Update.

(Thanks to Sharon Lurie)
posted by Dave 1:45 PM

BOOK YOUR TICKETS NOW

Joe Millionaire will be the April 5 headliner at Penguins Comedy Club in Bettendorf, Iowa, although, as this story notes, he is "not a comedian." Man, is Iowa "where it's at," or what?
posted by Dave 11:31 AM

WHY PEOPLE DISTRUST THE MEDIA

An Iowa columnist is dissing the Cheeto.

posted by Dave 11:27 AM

HOAX UPDATE

Alert person Carla Moquin has informed me that, according to snopes.com, the company I linked to yesterday that allegedly arranges "coincidental" meetings is a hoax. I apologize, and will have several people shot. But rest assured that the giant Cheeto is real.
posted by Dave 11:12 AM

LEGAL UPDATE

The amazing thing is that anybody would go to court to claim "credit" for this.
posted by Dave 2:51 PM

WHILE YOU'RE IN ALGONA, IOWA...

...checking out the Giant Cheeto, you will surely want to take a short drive to Wisconsin (another state) to marvel at this attraction.

(Thanks to Kathryn K. Andrews)
posted by Dave 1:31 PM

CONCIDENCES, INC.

OK, this is a little creepy.

(Thanks to Mollie Ireson)
posted by Dave 1:12 PM

CONSUMER ALERT

Do not mess with Sprint.

(Thanks to P. Carroll)
posted by Dave 9:10 AM

A GREAT DAY FOR AMERICA

Last night, to culminate the formal unveiling ceremony in Algona, Iowa, the giant Cheeto appeared live on national television.
posted by Dave 8:53 AM

PROGRAM NOTE

Good news! It appears that Bump of Chicken either will be performing, or already has performed, "Love & Porkin" on Live Shower.
posted by Dave 5:04 PM

MUSIC UPDATE

When people ask me, "Dave, what band are YOU listening to these days?" I answer: "Why, Bump of Chicken, of course!" (I am especially fond of Ninja Porking Tour.)

(Thanks to Kameko Tsukitaka)

posted by Dave 3:24 PM

SHOCKING NEWS

Wait a minute. These people are saying that Michael Jackson is NOT A FARMER?
posted by Dave 2:51 PM

MEDICAL UPDATE

NOW they tell us.
posted by Dave 2:04 PM

SEND IN THE TROOPS

We cannot, as a nation, stand idly by and allow this to happen.
posted by Dave 10:15 AM

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE WORKING???

Today is offficially "The Giant Cheeto Day" in Algona, Iowa.
posted by Dave 9:45 AM

DEPARTMENT OF PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATIONS

So Don Johnson was shopping for a car, and, as any savvy consumer would, he took along eight billion dollars.
posted by Dave 9:33 AM

CONSUMER ALERT

If you are planning to attend a performance of a Norwegian death-metal band, you will want to wear your sheephead-proof helmet.
posted by Dave 9:32 AM

FERTILITY BREAKTHROUGH

Judging from their logo, these people are cranking out sperm the size of mature walleyes.

(Thanks to Julie Kohn)
posted by Dave 4:29 PM

MUSIC UPDATE

You would have to try very hard to come up with a better name for a rock band than this.

(Thanks to Julie Pitchford)
posted by Dave 2:44 PM

CULTURE UPDATE

If it is moving drama you seek, then seek no further.

(Thanks to Mark Manyen)
posted by Dave 11:28 AM

THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF CITIZENSHIP

If you care at all about the issues of the day, you will cast your vote.

(Thanks to Erin Lee)
posted by Dave 11:20 AM

CUISINE UPDATE

If you eat here, be sure to try the prairie oysters.

(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)
posted by Dave 11:16 AM

HIGHER EDUCATION UPDATE

When people try to tell me that today's college students lack a sense of priorities, I direct them here.

(Thanks to Charles Hall)
posted by Dave 11:10 AM

A CALL TO ARMS

Forget Iraq. This time, China has gone too far.
posted by Dave 10:05 AM

MILESTONE

Today we received the one millionth email from somebody who (1) noticed that the Miami Herald lists my name under "LIVING COLUMNISTS" and (2) wrote to make a joke about how it's a good thing I'm not a DEAD columnist, ho ho ho.
posted by Dave 9:17 AM

SIX DEGREES OF THE HUGE MONSTER CHEETO

As you should be aware by now, the permanent home of the Huge Monster Cheeto is going to be Algona, Iowa. By incredible coincidence, Algona is one of the many places in Iowa lucky enough to have seen, on July 31, 1968, a performance by the legendary Notorious Noblemen.
posted by Dave 9:13 AM

STATURE UPDATE

Yes, a lot of the other presidential candidates have political experience, as well as actual positions on the issues. But, as a voter, you need to ask yourself this question: Do they have T-shirts?

posted by Dave 5:38 PM

DANGER DANGER

Whatever you do, do not click on this link.
posted by Dave 3:48 PM

FUN SITE FOR KIDS

PETA better not find out about this.

(Thanks to Cyrilla Baer Pond)
posted by Dave 1:19 PM

AMERICA'S FUTURE

When somebody tells me that young people today do not have lofty goals, I answer: "Oh, really?"

(Thanks to Gayle Wildman)

posted by Dave 1:13 PM

HIGHER EDUCATION UPDATE

We bring you this breaking news development from the University of Georgia.
posted by Dave 12:38 PM

URGENT ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY BULLETIN

It was inevitable that these two great talents would come together.
posted by Dave 12:31 PM

B.O. UPDATE

If these fabrics had been invented in the Sixties, I could have gotten all the way through college without doing laundry.

(Thanks to Susan J. Barretta)
posted by Dave 12:07 PM

WHILE WE FRITTER AWAY OUR ENERGY ON IRAQ

...tourists in Rome are being attacked by gladiators.

(Thanks to Mark O'Neill)
posted by Dave 12:02 PM

MONSTER CHEETO UPDATE

It is hitting the big time. It won't even return our phone calls.
posted by Dave 9:32 AM

STATURE ALERT

Hey, why the hell not?

(Thanks to Cyndi Schoenbrun)
posted by Dave 6:31 PM

MY STANDARDS

This is tasteless and demeaning, and I refuse to link to it.

(Thanks to Julie Rathsack)
posted by Dave 6:23 PM

DON'T TELL ANYBODY

I think I have discovered Vice President Cheney's secret location.

(Thanks to Steve Pietrowicz)
posted by Dave 11:56 AM

FOREIGN POLICY

You know what nation we need on our side in this Iraq deal? The Rutland Isles.
posted by Dave 3:55 PM

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Here, for the first time since its traumatic abduction and dramatic return, is a photograph of Cher's wig.
posted by Dave 10:02 AM