-=amU=-=BAd iDEa=-'s Journal

Time:	10:05 pm.
Mood:	hungry.
Music:	Koda Kumi - Real Emotion.

haven't wrote in a while...I'm feeling sick. I'm not going to say why because I have a feeling that I'm talking about him way too much here...it's the only place I can really talk about him. Whatever. no one cares. Prom is this weekend. I have my dress. It needs to be altered. I need my shoes. I have a sun burn. I ran out of differin. art show is next week I think. I've been online for 5 hours because I'm avoiding doing my term paper. Three people were talking to me, now they just stopped. I read a lot of new manga. I took Final Fantasy Legend II from my cousin. he was going to sell it. I kept messing up my nail polish. It's red. Yay. Victor said I was the most moody person he has ever met in his entire life. I guess that makes me special. hah. Whatever. As you can tell, I'm not very happy. For the past 4 months, life has been an internal hell. Shari says I should be more optimistic. That doesn't work for me..daylights saving time. lost an hour of sleep. michael welch asked me to prom. I declined. yuck. he's so fucking boring. i hate him. boring people suck ass. whateverrrrr

~Yuki~

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	9:26 pm.
Mood:	cold.
Music:	requiem for a dream - lord of the rings.

I wish I were numbed of all pain. Dave, that asshole, he bitches at me for having a different sense of humor, and then gets onto me about my opinion about stupid gothic people. Then he just goes onto me about how I always say how my life sucks and all this other shit, when in reality I'm saying that as a JOKE. A FUCKING JOKE YOU MORON. Ugh. I hate morons. I'm emotionally hurt. I thought he was my friend =_= I guess not. I suppose I've lost you also, Kizzy. You seem to rather being around sammy than me. Then again I don't blame you. I mean, we are what 4 states away? No matter, you live your life. I'll try to go on with mine. I'm feeling so depressed. everything's gone downhill. my hands are freezing. hopefully though my emotions will dull by tomorrow morning. Ever since friday I've been feeling like a walking dead girl. but the only feelings I get are painful ones. maybe I'm being stupid, who knows. I don't. I wish I were 9 and didn't have to deal with anything from anyone. GOD DAMMIT x___x ever since you stopped talking to me kizzy my life is falling apart. you were my shining star, my hope, my light. now it's only darkness and I can't see. you helped me when I was messed up and got me out of so many depressions, I just don't understand why you don't have enough time in the day to talk to me anymore. I thought we were going to be friends forever. I thought we were going to grow up and live in the same house, and work on our story together and finish our dream. I don't know what to think I don't know what to do. I've lost all confidence in myself and in anyone else. ugh I guess I really am a good actor. I could be a star. people at school don't notice how splintered I am. Put on a happy face is what I say. laugh it off. I seem to be doing that on the outside but you don't know what goes on on the inside. do I need medication? jesus christ.

~Yuki~

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Time:	10:00 pm.
Mood:	embarrassed.
Music:	Beauty and the Beast - Bonjour.

I feel funky o_o for the past few months...uh....all I've been talking about is Travis and school related stuff @__@ I almost feel bad. lol I was feeling so sick this morning. I felt like I was going to throw up before 6th period

been reading Cafe Alpha. It's so cute ^^

argh I wanna shoot myself. well not literally...today. I accidentally told Travis that I liked him =_= argh argh arggghhhhhhhhh I was so mad at him on friday because he practically lied to me about not liking jordon. so after class he comes up to me and asks me if I'm mad at him. I just stared at him for 4 seconds and then left. =_= I felt so bad after that. argh today. arghhh

A: *going down stairs*
T: *walks out door and stops in front of A*...why are you mad at me?
A: *silence* (damn all I could do was stare at his lovely eyes x.x)
T: I don't even know what I did
A: ......*really long pause* you don't see do you u.u
T: no I don't
A: It's Jordon. You said you didn't like her, but you do. Jordon's in my 5th period and she sits right and front of me and all she'll talk about is you. But not in a really good way. I mean I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but it was kinda hard not to since she kept on
T: I don't really like her all too much anymore.
A: She doesn't like you...
T: is that what she says?
A: yes. so you don't like her?
T: I like her a little but, but she always expects me to be there, and she doesn't even do anything when I am there. She just wants me around. well I gotta get going. I'm going to be late
A: *hugs him* I'm sorry. I don't know what to do anymore. *lets go and steps back* It feels like my whole life is falling apart before me and I can't do anything about it. *covers face like an idiot*
T: *hugs her* (can't remember if he said anything here)
A:I'm sorry for getting mad at you. T, I like you. I'm sorry
T: i gotta go now. my teachers gunna be mad at me oh well *(or something along that line. can't remember for the life of me O.o)

I have a feeling he's going to start to back away from me now..........x_x;;....I didn't say it loudly though. ARGH it's like my whole 2nd period was looking at me XP a few ppl from my class walked by and like stared. o__o;;;; lmao I'm so embarassed. Never done anything that open before. oh wait. yeah I have. nevermind..........grrr gah x.x his eyes are really beautiful though >__< he got really close to me when he stopped me. eeEEee so brown and soft :o I wanna lick them ~!!!LMFAO LMFAO!!!~ not really that would be nasty and almost painful for him o_o well I was at my locker and I was like staring at my books trying to figure out what I needed and he passes me and said hey. but just then I had bent down to pick up my jacket and I'm like "huh? what? O.o" and then I look around and I see him and he turns and waves at me I think. He had to go to theater arts again today. u.u I'm starting to hate it grrr I think it's every other day he leaves the classroom and has to go to the auditorium and practice for the play. damn play. I can't wait to see it. lmao O_o;;

*seems to be overly obsessed* god I need help :/
~Yuki~

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Time:	9:55 pm.
Mood:	enthralled.
Music:	Red Hot Chili Peppers - Can't Stop.

omg such good news!! today was like the worst day ever UNTIL 5th period! I've found out that Travis doesn't like Jordan anymore! BWAHAHAHA me and my evil eavesdropping skills c_c;; jesus this makes me so happy. heh o_o he said that he didnt' care about her anymore. They got into like some kind of fight and she called him a fucking asshole and he was like whatever and left and stuff. I know what I'm going to say to him if he talks to me about it.

If something is over before it begins, then it's not love. Unless you want a quick, meaningless relationship, romance takes time. You need to learn whether the person you like is ideal for you. The right elements make a better mix than the wrong ones.

lol got it off my horoscope from yesterday. o_o lol well I edited it a bit but I like it better now. It makes more sense lol well anyway. He told me he was depressed today, and like when I asked him what was wrong he just looked so sad. I wanted to hug him but I was washing my stupid thing and I couldn't unless I wanted to get him all painty lol. well anyway he avoided the conversation. he didn't tell me why he was depressed, but I'm pretty sure I've figured out why. He told me that he didn't like Jordan, and I think he did that because he didn't want me to know that because he probably liked me too at the time, and he most likely doesn't want to go back on his word and say "yeah I liked her blah blah blah". That and he doens't want to talk about it at school. If I could somehow get to talk to him alone, maybe then he'd open up to me. I dont want to force him to do anything, I just want the straight truth from him. I thrive on truth, infact, I live off it. So anywho! I feel kinda bad. hah there are these two sisters and like....lmao I'm so bad. x.x but I don't mean to do it!!!anyway lemme explain what I've done lol. Ok after the peprally last weekend, Amanda*not my amanda, a different one*'s sister was walking in front of me and Danielle. She's like CRAZY over Victor, but of course he doesn't like her. He likes some other chick. Anyway. So like we were walking behind her and then all of the sudden Victor walks up and puts his arms around me and Danielle, and he goes "wassupp??" and we're like "hey!" and all kinda like flirtaciously. Lmao. Anyway Amanda's sister kept turning around and looking at us LOL @_@ I felt bad! But that's not the worst part! After he left, I said "yanno...since that girl likes victor, I could be really mean and say 'OH MY GOD VICTOR IS SOOO HOT'" LMAO and like I didn't think it was audible for her!! AND SHE TURNED AROUND AND STARED AT ME!! I was so embarassed! because I didn't mean it and like lmao I feel so bad XDDDD well anyway I think she like hates me now lolllll x.x well her sister, Amanda, she like Danielle's ex-boyfriend, Beau(*pronounced 'Bo'). Before 3rd period Amanda always stands outside the door and talks to Beau. Well I was walking into class and I was wearing a um....very revealing shirt, and at that time I was carrying my books kinda funny so it like poked my boobs out LOL and so I look up and he's staring at me. He was like looking at Amanda and then look back at me. LOL @____@ and so everyday since then, he stares at me with this glazed over starry look of yearning. I felt sooo bad!! but then! lmao!!! TODAY!!!! Amanda she wore her hair all curly!!! LIKE MINE LMAO X_x I practically died. XD;; I'm so cruel. So now, both sisters most likely hate my guts. x____x LOLLLL!

so yeah anyway I'm going to use my mom's jewelry box for art class. yay. gunna sand it down and then paint it. ^^ it's going to take so long to sand it though =__x argh well I gtg

~Yuki~

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Time:	3:43 pm.
Mood:	sexy.
Music:	Nobuo Uematsu - Makou Reactor.

You are red. You are impure, but noble. You are precious and true to yourself and others. When you love, you love entirely, and will do anything to make your love happy. You are sure of your identity, therefore, you cannot change others or be changed. You are a true prince, you may be forgotten, but without you, none of us could go on.

What inner color are you?

Oh em gee o_o Daniel is so up to something. Daniel Y. that is. Yesterday, Travis hugged me before he left to go home, and I think Daniel saw us. Cos today argh I don't know how to explain it :/

for some reason I feel sexy :O holy shit there's a new one LMAO *runs away*

KIZZY -__- WHERE THE HELL ARE YOUUUUUUU!!!! *chokes self* I'm making an 81 in math and you're not hereeeee *cry weep sob* I think I'll call you with daddy's phone..^^..amy misses kizzy so much and she loves you forever! :(

~Yuki~

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Time:	10:56 pm.
Mood:	stressed.

you know..I've noticed that every single good friend that I have ever had in my entire life has either moved away or they just stopped talking to me. My very first best friend, for example, does not talk to me anymore, although we go to the same school.Most of the rest have long moved away since now, and I have lost touch with them. Kizzy used to be my best friend, but now she's been so busy, she hasn't had any time for me. I'm not blaming her for anything, I'm just saying that I'm most likely going to loose another best friend. I love her so much, but she just seems to distant now, and I don't know what I'm going to do when I loose her too. Amanda is the only person who really listens to me now, but she's a senior, and by next year I she'll be too busy to talk to me. What made me think about this was a stupid picture. A god dammed picture. Back from 1999. It doesn't seem so long ago either. I remember taking that picture. It's of Heather and me. She moved away too. But when she comes back for visits, she doesn't even bother to come and see me. It hurts. It really does hurt to find out that someone you cared for so much comes to town and forgets or just doesn't even want to spend time with you. I've tried really hard to stay in touch with all of my ex-best friends, but I suppose it's futile. I mean, it's not like they really want to still talk to me anyway. I wouldn't lmao O.o; 1999-2000. I met DeLanna and Angie. Angie moved to California, and DeLanna went to a different school. I wrote to Angie for a while, but then it just died out. DeLanna and I talked online for a few months my freshman year, but that died out also. Danielle R. and I just grew apart. Tabitha hates my guts and spreads nasty rumors about me. Sarah White moved away. Jo moved away too, not to mention never calls me. Natalie...my first best friend. She sees me as nonexistant. I've been to so many schools and tried so hard to keep a best friend for longer than two years, but it just doesn't seem to work. Amanda's nice and all, but I just don't get that special feel, yanno? I always got that when I talked about Kizzy or Martha to my acquantances. A sense of pride, I suppose, that no one else knew this person, and that they'd always be my best friend, and no one else's. But now...nothing seems to feel right anymore. I've also noticed that not only best friends have never stayed, but guys I like too. Jesse just doesn't like me that way anymore (he's got a new girlfriend; he refused to tell me anythinga bout her. That asshole -.-). He's more like a brother anyway...Zack was eh....not what I expected him to be. o_o; I admit, he was a mistake lmao...Daniel. He didn't even bother to tell me that he was moving away...I was heartbroken when I found out. Travis u.u the one that confuses me the most. I still like him ;_; but I don't think he likes me. I don't want Valentine's day to come. I wish things would just stay the same; no change, no nothing.

ANYWAY!!!!! ON A LIGHTER NOTE!!! I watched xXx. It was stupid. I hated it. I also watched GoldMember. THAT was hilarious!!! I also watched From Hell. Grand movie. I love Johnny Depp. He's always so hot! oh em gee!! when he kisses mary!!! OH EM GEE I WANTED HIM TO KISS ME LIKE THAT!!!! HE'S LIKE THE SEXIEST KISSER IN THE WORLD X____x :9 *licks poster of johnny depp* lol OH!! POSTER!!!! speaking of posters!! I've found the ultimate b-day present for Shari. It's a Harry Potter poster thing. It's on cardboard and eeee I'm hoping I can get it for free. lmao it's at Kroger!! LOL KROGER!!!! XDDDD I hate Kroger!!! lmao well anyway I'm also going to get her the first movie and put it in that harry potter bag shari's been obsessing over for months now o_o it's at walgreen's lmao e.e; well anyway. I'm a bit tired and I need to get up early tomorrow. I'm getting fat. lol =_=;

~Yuki~

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Subject:	ehh???
Time:	10:34 pm.
Mood:	flirty.
Music:	Good Charlotte - Dreamer.

sorry about yesterday lol Derek was over and omg I couldn't even do my HOMEWORK without the little kid trying to sufficate me!! x_x; so yeah I anyway I passed out when he left and then everyone got mad at me because I didn't put Poly in the garage. --;; jeez I get tired like a normal human being too >_< anyway!!! Travis is doing a Love Line in the school newspaper. God I hope it's me o_o lol but if it's Jordan, I wouldn't be surprised. Crushed yes, but not surprised. Anyway!! Did I not get to type about what happened? Ok I'll type it again I suppose. Well my friend Ashley is in 1st period with Travis. He told her that he liked Jordan, basically. The onyl thing that I'm really angry about is that he lied to me. I think. I dunno. I'm just so confused about everything on this subject lately. Ugh. She kept glancing back with that arrogant look at me today. I wanted to cut her hair off. lmao e_e; today was eventful. Before 5th period, I was walking to my class with Amanda, and I ran into Travis. o.o big surprise really lol well anyway we were talking about cancer for some strange reason and then UGH Connie!! She waltzes up and shoves Travis out of the way and like practically dragged him away. He was all like "Uhh guess I'm going now o_o;;" I really do not like her. GRR And the thing that just really burns me up is that after she did that, she turned around and smiled and waved. LIKE IT WAS OK WITH ME. -_- yeah next time I see her and Brandage together I think I'll push him out of the way and smile and wave like she did. Fucking bitch. Well skipping to 6th period, Travis unusually was flirtacious today o_o with me. lmao e.e; well anyway SKIPPING TO AFTER SCHOOL!!! Kelly...the one with the fucking HUGE nose O_O;..she needed a ride home from Amanda, and so did Mallory(Shari's friend mallory, not the other one). Oh em gee. She was such a bitch the whole time. And she smelt of b.o. o_< lol I watched the end of Pitch black. It wasn't that entertaining. I only liked the part where the people died. bwahahaha....Ok that was random. Anyway. So after Amanda dropped off Mallory and Kelly, we dropped off Shari and we went to the mall. Yay! Cajun Grill!! ^___^ I love that resturaunt*sp?* it's so unbelievably good x.x that and Auntie Anne's pretzels :9 tasty. We saw Husk(Chuck) by the DDR machina. Yeah it was disturbing. We ran away. lmao he like followed us O_o it was weird. Well we went to Walden's, but Travis wasn't there, so we went to EBX *on the other side of the mall* then like yanno I casually looked down the ledge *we were upstairs* and low and behold there's Travis and the Calendar stand. I had forgotten that he had to work there haha must suck being stuck down there alone and bored o_o well Amanda had to drag me down the stairs. I ran into the Thomas Kinkade store. I love that store. There was one picture of..uhh I can't remember. But he supposably "touched it". It was some type of print of the original copy. It was freaking $1,100!!O_o am I the only one who thinks that's so messed up?! RAWR!!! Well amanda finally got me out of the store and we walked over to where Travis was. He looked so happy to see me n_n;; lolll he was so flirty today too. I mean I don't know how to describe it, I just felt it. o.o Amanda would tell you but she is obviously not writing in my journal e.e AHHHH @@ it felt so right. I'll prolly go back on my word and deny everything I've said, but for the moment's worth, it just feels so right to me.

I foudn THE perfect bracelets for my Aerith costume!!! ^____^ and they're at WALMART!!!!! LMFAO @_o I need to work on the belt. I emailed Adella. Damn what a bitch, she didn't even reply. I hate people like that. People who think they're all better than everyone else because they look vaguely simaliar to a game character. Hell. I look more like Aerith than she does. She only looks like her because of her hair. I think it's a wig LOL XD Shari was telling me she tried talking to her too, but she replied. She said she was really rude and that she wouldn't say how she made a certain part of the FF7 Aerith dress. God. She's acting like she actually MADE the character. What a bitch. She needs to die and rot in fucking hell. I'd so laugh if she was reading this right now. That or one of her friends. bwahahahaha *is so mean but really doesn't care* :D I could point out so many mistakes with her outfit -,- ANYWAY!!! I have so much homework. I dont' want to go to school tomorrow. I wish it would snow. I want to get out of school so I can do my homework =_= lol well I gtg *drags feet and she walks away*

~Yuki~

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Time:	7:23 pm.
Mood:	optimistic.

Martha: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Martha: http://photos.freeones.com/Vanessa_del_Rio/images/vanessadelrio001.jpg
Martha: OH GOD
Me: sigh today in 5th period, I found out some very....well saddening information. a girl named Ashley is in Travis's first period, and he talks to her a lot. Well he told her that he liked Jordon. He told me that he didn't like her at all, and that she was a stick and stuff. I don't know what to dooooo x.x Ashley says I need to tell him how I feel but I just don't think I can do that. But during 6th period he didn't act like he didn't like me. I went up to him after the bell rang and told him that he was going to walk with me lol and I found out why he hasn't been online and not answering my calls. They couldn't pay for their internet and so they're thinking about getting a different company or something. He's also been going to work a lot lately. I must be going to the mall when he is off work or something o_o;; And that is one nasty ass mother fucker woman o_o

too lazy to retype it out. bwahaha that picture is so raunchy!!!!! XDDDDDDDDDD as you can tell I'm trying to keep an optimistic view on things. Ashley says I should let things happen as they come, so that is what I'm going to try and do. I don't need to thrive on the past, I don't. I'm going to try and borrow his sketchbook tomorrow.....gunna bring mine too o-O!

~Yuki~

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Time:	2:32 pm.
Mood:	pessimistic.
Music:	Save yourself - Sense Field.

Don't Want To Get Hurt

Ever heard the expression, "Once bitten, twice shy?" You can probably relate to this, can't you? Your last relationship may have left you a little raw in emotions, and the memories are likely still fresh in your mind. Fresher than you can sometimes believe. With a hurt like that, you're probably not so eager to enter the drama again — and we can't say that we blame you. You may be so afraid of getting hurt that you take things to heart big-time when you're involved with someone — after all, you've been hurt before, why can't it happen again? You also may be guilty of comparing potential mates to your ex who may still constantly loom large in your mind.

But maybe, just maybe, it's time to check your baggage at the door and let a new person into your life with a clean slate. You have a lot to offer someone, but you can't do it when you have one foot firmly planted in the past.

wow that is so me...o_O

god. I tried calling travis but....like.....someone picked up the phone and then hung it up...I'm getting really depressed now. maybe it's just me but I don't know maybe ARGH I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!

~Yuki~

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Time:	1:29 am.
Mood:	frustrated.
Music:	Nobuo Uematsu - Costa Del Sol.

take the virgin-whore dichotomy quiz.

and go to mewing.net. where we're all studs.

not a very wide selection there o.o;

ralph lauren

What prep label are you?
don't ask. please.

Who are you most likely to fuck
brought to you by Quizilla
:3 nfg

you're the youngest lisbon girl. you attempt to slit your wrists but fail.

you die during a party... you throw yourself out a window onto a spike.

you were known as the weird one, mystical, precocious.

you like to wear old wedding gowns and listen to celtic music.

what lisbon girl are you?

(brought you by april)

e.e wtf is lisbon???

dammit. I still haven't gotten ahold of Travis. I WISH I NEVER TOOK HIS PLATE X_X now I'm gunna look like a fool U_U *sigh* I wanna die. ok not really e.e; but I feel the strong urge to inflict severe pain to myself right now, and I think I will. *rips hair out*

~Yuki~

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Time:	1:49 pm.
Mood:	disappointed.
Music:	Nobuo Uematsu - Kefka.

well two days until christmas. I'm not really all too excited as much as I would be two years ago. =_= argh. I dunno what I'm feeling right now. I'm so confused. I tried calling Travis and telling him that I took his plate home from school but he wasn't home. I don't see him online anymore. Maybe it's just because it's the christmas season. Hm. Anyway. I started painting on my wall. It's looking pretty well, althought there is a heh big smudge on cloud's face XD I'm using the wrong paint but I can't stop now. I need to get some type of protective covering spray or something. Aerith is turning out grand. ^ ^ when I'm done I'm going to take pictures and stuff. Shari's drawing on my wall too. By the window. I'm not sure who she's drawing as of now but right now it's a profile. I like it. It started sleeting today. Grr. I wish it was snow instead. =_= we never get snow that will stick a;sodfgiha;lkg gja I've never had a white christmas either >_< it's supposed to snow on christmas eve though, so hopefully I'll see what it's like. Even if it's a little bit I won't mind *flop* I think steven messed with my aim buddy list because most of my good friend's screen names were deleted. KIZZY'S was deleted >:0 I would never do that! Good thing he doesn't know Travis's screen name FWAHAHAHAHAAAA~~!!!!! Anyway. o_0; what was I doing...oh yeah. Joanna came over last night. We all acted as if nothing happened the last time she came over. She's gotten really fat though o_o;;;;;; lmfao amanda let me borrow sleepy hollow. fwagahaha momma wouldn't let me watch it in the movie theater, so now I have the vhs. WAHAHAHAAAA *snorts* I'll probably watch it tonight.

SEPHIROS!!!!!!*screamakasings* I lost the memory card with my Final Fantasy VII game on it ;_; I've been dying to play it lately too. Grr looks like I'm going to have to start another new game. I needed a new memory card anyway....

~Yuki~

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Time:	3:33 pm.
Mood:	nerdy.
Music:	Pray - Nobuo Uematsu.

nememenemenra;slj!! ^__^ oy! I still need to get a few more presents and then I'm through christmas shopping!! YAY :DDDD I need to get Brian something. And my dad and my grand parents. No clue what to get them though. I know what I'm going to get my dad and my brother though. Soo that should be easy. I just need some more money O_o; yargh matey. I need to clean the house again. it's getting out of control >:/ I also need to call Travis and ask him about Kelly. He still hasn't told her that he doesn't like her that way. He's only making things worse x.x;; he needs mah help LOL o.o; jesse is talking to me a lot lately. So are a lot of other guys....o_______0 WHY?? I don't like them like that and they're being too flirtatious!!! >O< argh why do I have to be "pretty" lmao LMAO *rolls* that was stupid ok I'm done.

I got GTO book 1 from shari for Christmas ^^ Travis gave me Neon Genesis Evangelion book 1 X3 I need to catch up on my manga >_< nyer!!!!

KIZZY!!!! GET ONLINE YOU MOFO :(

~Yuki~

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Subject:	bunch of tests :O
Time:	3:34 pm.
Mood:	ecstatic.
Music:	Nobuo Uematsu - Costa Del Sol.

oooo my...everything is going so quickly lately.....x_x

Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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she's pretty ^^

What Element Are You?
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:O pyromania!

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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yargh that's so true =_=

Which Piercing are you?
GAH that looks so painful!!! @__@

Are You A Prep?
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feh. That is SOOOO highschool :p lmfao LMFAO actually I really don't prefer those labels. They sicken me. Preps, punks, goths, what the FUCK ever. it's all petty and it needs to dieeee DIEEEEE!!!! :3

Rock%20On!%20Your%20Inner%20Rockstar%20Is%20Brody%20Armstrong!

Who Is Your Inner Rockstar?
brought to you by Quizilla
whozzat? o_0

what sort of weirdo are you?

this quiz by orsa
NYEHEHEHURH O_o;

ugh head...in...PAIN!!!! *flops around* I started painting on my wall e.e; well the black part at least...

~Yuki~

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