Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
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10:32 pm - Reading email while working on another project
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10:10 pm - Too introspective to share my thoughts tonight...
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8:02 pm - This is just silly.
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Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
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8:32 pm - Silly girl.
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I was just thinking how nice it would be just to chat with someone right now. To interact while I am in this receptive state.
Then Mom comes in - full rant - about how people debuke things without proof and about cynics in general. Can't even get a word in edgewise, she's so stoked.
And I thought, "Man, I wish people would stop talking to me."
But it's not really a be careful what you ask for moment, because she was talking at me and not to me. But I felt myself shutting down. The medicine is kicking in now. I think I will try to call it a night.
But it would have been nice to discuss melancholy tonight...
current mood:  disappointed
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7:43 pm - Medicated and still awake...
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The kids are excited about school tomorrow. It's crazy hair day and I got them some colored hair spray for it. Also my daughter is going to the natural history museum.
I cannot sleep. I'm hardly awake. My muse knocks at the window and asks for admitance. What could I possible create in this soul-numbing state - when concentration is only a pittance?
When into the depths of gray-brown do I sink? Surrounded by the tempidness of decay. What are the words my mind seeks to speak? What is my soul trying to say?
In Melancholy's garden I wander, no longer afraid of its presence in my life. But what shall I take from the surrender of pride in the face of strife?
The more I understand myself, the more complex I appear to those who don't know me at all. Yet the more I search, the more that becomes clear that anything less would leave me stalled.
To be reborn, part of me must first die. The images of childhood ideals. No longer in fairylands I will reside. But create my own way through that which is real.
There is the true power. There is the tales, which transforms us from dreaming cowards to heroes that succeed even when they fail. It's not what you achieve - it's what you become that truly makes you strong.
current mood:  creative
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6:48 pm - Went to work...
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Turns out the new person who started Monday disappeared at lunch and didn't return. Being short staffed, meant we really had to work hard today.
Unrelated (at least according to her) my boss is going to attend a woman manager's conflict resolution class next month. After all this time, she's finally going to have some managerial training.
I was still nauseous this morning and it turns out the everyone else in our department who came in was also ill. Only mine was only food poisioning, until this afternoon, when I started getting the stuff the others had.
So off to take some medication and go to bed. This weekend, I'm spraying the office with Lysol. Can't do it until then because it triggers my boss's asthma.
current mood:  exhausted
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Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
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6:19 pm - Stomach still upset, but keeping food down now.
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So, I might have a stomach virus. I'm still going to work tomorrow. We're too shorthanded as it is.
Finished Sacred Sorrows. Seriously considering giving summaries of the articles, but not sure if I should do it here or in my religious LJ. It's hard to decide when you are reading a book by professionals on depression, with references to the religious beliefs and practices of many beliefs. Yet, there are several articles that are purely medical.
Perhaps I should do some creative writing for a little while and then decide. Meanwhile, I will finally start read Hero of a Thousand Faces. Lost my first copy. Really need to read for one of my projects.
My doctor wants me to get a less radical version of the surgery my mother had done two years ago. I think I will wait to see if I need hysterectomy first. There's no way I am going to get two surgeries in one year. I can't be in recovery that long twice.
current mood:  nauseated
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5:55 am - I think I have food poisoning...
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The taste of egg yolk in my mouth, when I haven't had any, combined with the fact I've been in the bathroom more than out of it this morning is responsible for this suspicion.
Definitely the last time I order anything from the grocery store's deli nearest to me.
I've already called into work sick.
I'm going to wake up the kids and try to go back to bed...
current mood: sick
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Monday, January 19th, 2004
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4:18 pm - The real question is -"Would I care?"
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3:48 pm - "Behind every successful man is a woman rolling her eyes."
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Got Bruce Almighty today at the kids' request. Not being a Jim Carrey fan, I didn't find it side-splitting funny, but I did think it was for the most part a good movie. And I was crying at the end because I do understand the pain of not wanting to love someone anymore.
I also liked some of the points it made. Like when he asked God for a sign, totally ignored the warnings in front of him and then got mad at God when he crashed into a light pole. Reminds me of a lot of people (including myself), but especially of one guy I knew when I was first married. He got married to someone under conditions that he had been warned about for years and, of course, it ended in a divorce after 16 months. When we talked about it later, he asked me why I didn't tell him that he was being blind. I said simply because he wouldn't have listened anyway, after all, it wouldn't have been anything he hadn't already heard.
And then there's the bit about free will. I think one of the hardest things for us to accept is that others have free will too. We often want to take that away to make our lives easy. But we cammoflage it, telling ourselves that we are doing it for them too - or that they are so wrong or so bad that they have no right to it. And perhaps, in some instances - for the sake of the rest - that is true. But often, it isn't. Just because we have the right to say what we want, doesn't mean others don't have the right to disagree or to defend their position. Yet, some people think that is what free speech is - being able to say what we what without someone saying we're wrong. Unfortunately, that actually leads to facism, no matter what platform it comes from.
But mostly, I think the film illustrates how we must take responsibility for our own actions and our own faith and not keep expecting things to be perfect at the snap of a finger - or blame others for what we lack.
And above all, we shouldn't expect to get away with doing stupid stuff. To paraphrase the movie: "You can't pray in the middle of a busy highway and not expect to get hit."
Though, if you had a very good reason for it and enough faith, then it could happen. But it would have to be a very good reason and not because you're acting like a chicken with its head chopped off.
current mood:  pensive
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10:33 am - Finished getting tested...
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Everything's been normal or expected so far. We'll have to see what they find out from today's harvest of body fluids.
Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.
*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla
current mood: drained
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Sunday, January 18th, 2004
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10:25 pm - Survey gakked from ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20040123100725im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) angelislington
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6:20 am - About to work on my day off...
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Dufusina is out on medical leave until March.
You have a fiery soul. You aren't the quickest to
get angered, but when you do get angry things
can go really wrong really fast. You are
generally very passionate in the things you do.
(Rate my test)
What force is your soul?
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current mood:  awake
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Saturday, January 17th, 2004
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8:52 pm - You want to know what I am tired of?
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Men who can't stand women disagreeing/arguing with them.
If another man disagrees with them, it's okay. But if a woman does, they go beserk and act all condescending and snotty.
Strangely enough, I do know a woman or two who do the same thing.
Such people deserve to look stupid.
And somedays, I feel it my duty to make sure they do...
current mood:  devious
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1:42 pm - gakked silliness
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11:18 am - Scatterred thoughts
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I am, by some accounts, an acquired taste. I told a friend I wish I would stop being this and her reply was: "Fine wine, imported caviar and Amanda."
It made me laugh.
Mom and I had a bit of a blow up and reconcilliation this morning. It cleared the air a little.
Yesterday, I got an original photo of my grandmother. Mom's cousin sent her some of the old family pictures and since she already has the same photo in a larger format, she gave me the one her cousin sent. I took it to Hobby Lobby and put it up against almost every frame there to see which one would go best with it. I found a bronze-ish metal one in twisted rod-iron style with clear "crystals" tied within the open metal work. My parents were extremely impressed at my choice. It suits Grandma Sjolund's photo perfectly with its 1930s look. Dad took it upon himself to trim the photo and mount it in my frame.
It looks so elegant now in the living room. I'll move it into my room once we get it reorganized.
It's raining today. My glass barometer had to leak some fluid out of the top because the air pressure is so low. Good thing it has an overflow dish.
current mood: indescribable
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Thursday, January 15th, 2004
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7:56 pm - Goofing around until I have to pick the kids up...
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My coworkers informed me today that I missed my calling as a hostage negotiator. Yesterday, I calmly told someone that they could do what they suggested, but it wouldn't do any good - and then I suggested something that would work. My coworkers thought it was hilarious.
If I wasn't amused enough by this, they started to mimic me in mock hostage situations. The best was:
"Yes, you can blow your own head off - if that will make you happy. But let the hostage go, killing him won't fix anything."
My favorite slip of professionalism was when I told someone who I had explained our procedures to several time before and who still was complaining about doing their own job:
"Whine, whine, whine. Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?"
I was really tired and actually ashamed with myself after I got off the phone, but since then the man has never given me any trouble. And he hasn't been acting rude anymore to my coworkers either. So, in retrospect, I'm not so repentive of it.
( quizzage )
Now off to get the kids...
current mood: tired
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4:57 am - State Meme
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Wednesday, January 14th, 2004
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9:03 pm - It's good to have friends with more experience.
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After discussing a situation with allyson13, I decided to stick to my original plan and just let things blow over.
Some times that's all you can do.
We've been talking about looking younger than our ages and such. The sister just younger than me still claims that the only reason I look younger than all my siblings is because I never showed any emotion as a kid and didn't wrinkle anything. I don't think our younger siblings expected their eldest sister to look younger than them too.
Life is funny sometimes...
current mood:  grateful
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Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
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7:47 pm - Cheating Death
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cynical
blah
quixotic