Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon

The Historical Origin Of The Middle Finger by Rich Dunn Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!" Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

First Kangaroo:What is a parrot? Second Kangaroo:A wordy birdy! First Kangaroo:Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting "Pieces of four"? Second Kangaroo:Short John Silver! First Kangaroo:Why wouldn't the parrot talk to the Frenchman? Second Kangaroo:Because he only spoke pigeon English! First Kangaroo:My parrot lays square eggs but can only say one word. Second Kangaroo:What's that? First Kangaroo:Ouch! First Kangaroo:How do you know you are haunted by a parrot? Second Kangaroo:He keeps saying "Oooooo's a pretty boy then?" First Kangaroo:Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage? Second Kangaroo:Pupil: For a parrot to perch on, miss. First Kangaroo:Where do the cleverest parrots live? Second Kangaroo:In the brain tree forests! First Kangaroo:What do you get if you cross a bee with a parrot? Second Kangaroo:An animal that's always telling you how busy it is! First Kangaroo:What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot? Second Kangaroo:A walkie-talkie. First Kangaroo:Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Second Kangaroo:The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)

"My heart is as full as my glass, When I drink to you, old friend!"

That's all of Bart's prank phone calls to Moe! Here is a soundbite of several prank calls. Here is a complete list:
• Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic here?
• Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
• Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely!
• Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!
• Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz!
• Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!
• Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
• Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt
• Uh, Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
• Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
• Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
• Ivana Tinkle? Ivana Tinkle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!
• All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
• All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!
• Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme! Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, Heywood U. Cuddleme?

"You have to give 100% in the first half of the game. If that isn't enough, in the second half, you have to give what is left."

Know that while Rhett Butler can get away with telling Scarlett O'Hara that she "should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how," you cannot.

Thou spleeny, rough-hewn pigeon egg!

Jamie and The Magic Todger

cepec: moron kurba: whore kmet: peasant, farmer pirnièan: really stupid person vosu: idiot

First, he taught me how to drive. Then, he taught me how to swim. Then, he taught me how to lie. Then, he taught me how to get away with stuff. Then, he taught me how to be fat pig. Then, he taught me that he knows what's better for me than I do myself. Last, but not least, he taught me to order doubles!

First Kangaroo: Why did the chicken cross the road ? Second Kangaroo: To get to the other side First Kangaroo: Why did the rooster cross the road ? Second Kangaroo: To cockadoodle dooo something First Kangaroo: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ? Second Kangaroo: He heard the referee calling fowls First Kangaroo: Why did the turkey cross the road ? Second Kangaroo: To prove he wasn't chicken First Kangaroo: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again ? Second Kangaroo: Because he was a dirty double-crosser First Kangaroo: Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road ? Second Kangaroo: Because he didn't have enough guts First Kangaroo: Why did the chicken cross the playground ? Second Kangaroo: To get to the other slide First Kangaroo: Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? Second Kangaroo: Because chickens hadn't evolved yet First Kangaroo: Why did the turtle cross the road ? Second Kangaroo: To get to the shell station First Kangaroo: Why did the horse cross the road ? Second Kangaroo: Because the chicken needed a day off.

"May we never want a friend, Or a bottle to give him."

[Bart, sending a telegraph message to Moe's] Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme! Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, Heywood U. Cuddleme? A large man turns and stares at Moe as Lenny and Carl laugh Oh, do, that little, ooh... I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific! Bart laughs

Yogi ordered a pizza, the waitress asked "How many pieces do you want your pie cut?" Yogi responded, "4, I don't think I could eat 8."

Women who come from big families are more fun.

Thou puny, milk-livered mammet!

http://www.rathergood.com/giantbee/

Cachau bant: Fuck Off Cach: Shit Pigyn: Penis, dick, cock Pen pidyn: Dickhead Wyneb cach: Shit face Mwnci: Monkey

"Here's to you as good as you are Here's to me as bad as I am But as good as you are And as bad as I am I'm just as good as you are As bad as I am!"

[Bart is calling Homer, who is minding Moe's] (Bart) Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie (Homer) (excited) Ooh, Bart, my first prank call! What do I do? (Bart) Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger (Homer) I don't get it (Bart) Yell out "I'll eat a booger" (Homer) What's the gag? (Bart) Oh, forget it...

"If you come to a fork in the road take it."

Women dislike men who are liars.

Thou gorbellied, folly-fallen giglet!

A Frightened Boy

kosskesh: pimp kesafat: you dirty piece of shit beshoor: no brained an: diarhhea kos-khol: sex crazy amale: dirty piece of shit labor worker khar: idiot

Casting Magic Missile at the darkness Or sometimes throwing fireballs from behind the frontline troops

Gamer, Mac initiated, writer, poet, philosopher, impish wag, descendent of Vikings, and so much more... Stop by and say "howdy" to "Galstaff" when you get a chance.

angelweave ----------------------------------------------------------------------- at nine o'clock the kilgore pub holds its ritual service for the evening flock. and one by one we pile inside, form phalanxes of thirsty souls who relinquish luck's change barely spared from charon, the landlord, and ex-wives. and greedy eyes radarscope for fresher faces and plead their novice rhetoric to bartending juries. and i thought i saw you watching me watch you on the night when toothless harry made snow angels on the window glass so passersby might stop to chat. but all they did was point and laugh and inside we prayed to vodkagod and proffered thanks for ice cubes and homes and practiced restraint of wayward arms of inner truth. there's a novel or a poem in sunken cheeks and too-weak drinks and seldom-noticed-corner-hogging spiders that seduce tonight's prey in showy webs and seem to dance with table legs after my fourth drink. and i dub myself a still-life snow angel, arms outstretched in something's breathy fog -- frozen pale with all sides splayed under frosted showcase glass. and until i meet you in unclaimed corners (and replenish womanthreads) i go home a lady. hli

The Star Wars Trilogy on tape (one movie for a short game). An ample supply of your favorite beverage. A really good sound system, so the explosions seem to happen all around you. Kapow! (optional)

Drink when: -Someone has a bad feeling about this. -It's their only hope. -An entire planet is described as having one climate. -Somebody gets choked. -A woman other than Leia is on screen -An old Jedi starts to ramble about the Force. (Vader counts.) -Somebody's hand gets cut off. -A gigantic technological marvel explodes in a single blast. -There is a tremor in the Force. -It's not someone's fault -One or more heroes are almost eaten by a Thing -A Jedi is much more powerful than he looks -Someone exclaims "No!" -Someone does something apparently suicidal that turns out to be a good idea -Twice if it's not Han -Someone wears the same outfit in all three movies--it counts if they change at the end -Someone is mind-controled using the Force -People kiss -A good guy wears white or a bad guy wears black -Twice if a bad guy wears white and a good guy wears black (for uniforms, only the first person on screen counts) -Three times if someone hovering in between wears gray -Every time you find yourself talking to the people on screen -An elaborately made up alien has no lines -Someone or something tries to get money from Han -Some ship crashes into something after being hit. -Someone has a light saber duel (includes just using light saber) -An Ewok dies, and the camera lingers longer than it did when the Death Star exploded, killing billions of people. -(Fourteen seconds. Count'em.) -It is Luke's destiny. -Luke whines. -Luke discovers a long-lost relative. -Luke fights monsters or savages. -Luke does some nifty acrobatic flip. -Luke teeters on the brink of a chasm. -Luke is upside-down -Luke and Lando are in the same place at the same time -Twice if they speak to each other -Luke's parentage is Foreshadowed -Luke refuses to take someone's advice -Luke yells "Artooooo!" -Leia insults somebody. -Leia wears an outfit that covers everything except her face and hands -Twice if it covers her neck -Three times if she's almost totally nude -Obi-Wan Kenobi materializes for a guest appearance. -Obi-Wan Kenobi plays detective. ("...Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise.") -Han brags about the Millenium Falcon. -Anybody insults the Millenium Falcon. -Something doesn't work on the Falcon -Twice if it's the hyperdrive -Yoda uses bad grammar. -Yoda talks like a fortune cookie. -R2-D2 gets thrashed. -R2-D2 plugs into the wrong socket and his head spins around. -C-3PO loses a body part. (Take two drinks if he is completely dismembered.) -C-3PO informs us of just how many forms of communication he's familiar with -A Rebel pilot is of a race other than white -Twice if they're non human (co-pilots count) -A Rebel Pilot says "Nice Shot..." -A Rebel Pilot says "I've been hit..." -Tarkin brags about the Death Star.

"Old wood to burn, Old books to read, Old wine to drink, Old friends to trust."

[Bart on the road] (Homer) Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura (Moe) Eura Snotball? (Homer) What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

http://internettrash.com/users/drinking_stories/funny_drinking_stories_027.htm

"You can see a lot by observing."

Never ask a woman why she's mad at you, as she will only get madder at your not knowing.

Thou currish, crook-pated clack dish!

We Like The Moon

Why did the viper want to become a python ? What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food ? What do you call a python with a great bedside manner ? What do most people do when they see a python ? What subject are snakes good at school ? What did the snake say to the cornered rat ? What do snakes have on their bath towels ? What do you call a snake that informs the police ? What did the python say to the viper ? What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell ? Answers in the Comments

Sooka: Bitch/traitor tebya ne ebut, ti ne podmakhivai: mind your own fucking business K Chortoo: go to hell kooshite govno ee oomeeite: eat shit and die mudak: an asshole govniuk: shithead

Washington's Whiskey Recipe The recipe, or "mash bill," calls for 65 percent rye, 30 percent corn and 5 percent malted barley. First, grind the grains into a coarse meal. Then, mix the rye and corn in a wood vessel called a "hog's head." Add hot and cold water. Stick your hand in the mash to make sure it isn't too hot. If it doesn't burn, the temperature is just right. Add barley and stir. Cool the mixture down a bit more, and add yeast. Let the mixture ferment for a few days. Pour the mixture into a copper still, and let it boil. The alcohol will vaporize and condense, flowing out of a tube, also known as a worm. Collect the liquid and run it through the copper still one more time. Now you have finished whiskey. Washington barreled his whiskey and sold it immediately. These days, distillers age it for a few years to improve its taste. Source: Jim Beam master distiller Jerry Dalton / The Associated Press

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer, wine etc., helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years. So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we cannot shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be. Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances and co-workers that may be in danger of losing their edge.

Our Lager, which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk), At home as it is in the Pub. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not into incarceration, But deliver us from hangover. For thine is the Beer, the Bitter and the Lager, For ever and ever. Barmen!

"Here's to every man here, May he be what he thinks himself to be."

[Mr. Burns says] "I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Wayland" Oh, so, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Wayland, is it? Listen to me, you; when I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

Next Stop - First Floor

"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

Men always overestimate the size of their wives' or girlfriends' chests even as they underestimate the size of their wives' or girlfriends' hips.

Thou paunchy, ill-breeding lout!

Tales of The Blode - Episode 1

Did you hear the joke about the skunk? How many skunks do you need to make a house really smelly? What do you get if you cross a skunk and a dinosaur? How can you tell when a skunk is angry? How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk? What's a skunk's favourite game in school? What do you get if you cross a skunk and a boomerang? What did the forgetful skunk say when the wind changed direction? What did the baby skunk want to be when he grew up? What's a skunk's philosophy of life? Answers in the Comments

kurat, saatan: devil mine vittu: fuck off munn: penis piss/kusi: piss raisk: rotted