“I’m in a pickle, and I don’t mind telling you that”, I said, pacing up and down the corridors of the old flat. Such a pickle that I was up and about early in morning, a time I would normally have been in bed with my e's and b. But this was no time for e’s and b.
“Sir?”
“Those weapons of mass destruction thingymajigs that I lectured the chaps at the Drones about all last year failed to show up. Dashed unfortunate but they just weren’t there when I needed them”.
“That is unfortunate, Sir”.
“Dashed unfortunate I think you mean. And now they want me to have one of those…inquisitions…no er what do you call them?”
“Inquiries, sir?”
“Yes, inquiry jobbies. Old Holly in Washington has already had one, and most unpleasant it was by all accounts. Still doesn’t seem to have recovered. Now it’s my turn, and let me tell you, I’m profoundly dubious I’ll survive this scrape.”
“I heard about Mr Bush's problems, Sir. This is most disturbing”
Disturbing? Disturbing! I know all my friends to a man, and my two Aunts, particularly Aunt Agatha, love to pretend that I couldn’t get anywhere without my Butler’s help. But sometimes his phlegmatic – if phlegmatic is the word I want -- approach to things is the exact opposite of what is needed. What was needed, was solutions. That’s what was needed. Which I let him know he had to provide, and quickly.
“There is one way Sir in which I think I can extricate you from this none too happy situation”
“Well out with it!”
“If you let me conduct the investigation into the missing weapons of mass destruction I think I can apportion the blame on persons unrelated to you…”
“What ho! Like jolly old Hutters?”
“Exactly, if by Hutters you mean Lord Hutton, Sir”
I mused it over. “The Butler’s Report”. Or perhaps just “The Butler Report”. As I’m sure you agree it had a nice ring to it. He’d done it again! New life seemed to burgeon within me, and I felt my appetite returning.
“Good work. Let's be quick about it!”
“Very well, Sir. Anything else, Sir?”
“A plate of e’s and b would go down a treat?”
“Very good, Sir”.