Too be brutally honest, I know next to nothing about technology. So when people ask me questions about the Internet, I just explain that it's magic. And if they insist on knowing more, I tell them to check out my computer humor. This usually works; I never hear from them again.
Say Goodbye To Privacy (To be sung to "Say Goodbye to Hollywood" by Billy Joel)
"Bush is drivin' through a bill that strips rights,
Turns your life to an open, guided tour.
It sends your info to a Fed'ral machine.
It's a scene straight from Nineteen-Eight-Four.
Say goodbye to privacy.
Say goodbye to freedom..."
Bloggers' Rhapsody (To be sung to "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off" by George & Ira Gershwin)
"You praise my weblog
And I'll mention your blog.
You link my weblog
And I'll link to your blog
Weblog, Your blog, Weblog, Your blog,
Let's call the whole thing off.
You laud my rampage On Bush's last outrage.
You say I'm so sage,
Go check out my web page..."
Surf The Net In A Cab? Not On Your Life! "If you don't get enough Net surfing in at home or on the job, you now can do it in some New York City cabs, thanks to a Yahoo! Inc. and Medallion Financial Corp. pilot program. This should help distract Big Apple taxi riders, who spend most of their time clutching door handles and each other, while praying they'll make it to their destinations with most of their bones intact..."
Hapless Surfer's Guide To Privacy Policies "Do you cringe at the very sight of yet another bewildering privacy policy? I offer, as a public service, my extremely unofficial guide to privacy policies..."
A Tale of Two Engines "I've been hearing great things about Ask Jeeves and its question answering approach to search engine queries. So I decided to consult Jeeves about a car problem -- an engine noise that nobody's been able to fix. Here's how my consultation went..."
Our Infectious Net "When I was a child, my mother always worried about my catching a virus. Well, I'm a married woman now, and she still worries about my catching a virus. Only these days they have names like the Love Bug and Melissa..."
Interactive Taxes "Hello. Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?
I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After all, it's April 14th..."
Mad Kane's Diary "10:45 a.m. Another late start on this week's column. That's what I get for surfing every night until 3:00 a.m..."
Pumped About The Web "I have great news for all you multi-taskers and for people who think pumping gas is a bore: Any day now, your local service station may be equipped with a combination gas pump/Web browser. That way you'll be able to surf hot sites and scan your spam while breathing in gasoline fumes..."
Net Radio Blues "It's time for an embarrassing confession: I don't have cable TV or, for that matter, a microwave oven. I'd like to think I compensate by being the proud owner of one laptop and 2 PCs. But that's small comfort when I'm faced with frozen pizza..."
A Clueless Chat "I'm pleased to announce the launch of MadKane Chats. This exciting new series will feature online interviews with people so starved for publicity, they return my calls..."
Employee Dearest Dear Employee: Congratulations on your ___ (fill in the blank) anniversary at StaffPeopleInESpace.com ("SPIES"). We hope you have enjoyed your ___ (fill in the blank) years at SPIES as much as we have.
It's time, as you know, for your annual review, which we have decided to do this year by email. In the past, we made every effort to conduct employee reviews face to face. Frankly, however, in person interviews are very time consuming. Plus we had far too many fatalities.
Pick On Me "Dear DoS Guys: You've been busy lately making trouble for Yahoo, eBay, Amazon, and a bunch of other big league sites. You guys (Is it sexist for me to assume you're guys?) are really good..."
Taxing Times "My husband Mark and I usually prepare our joint tax returns jointly. Being good citizens, we begin early in February with tax planning discussions like this:
Mark: We really should start doing our taxes next Saturday.
Me: You're absolutely right. I'll pick up Quicksand's ShirkoTax this week.
By late March we've made impressive progress:
Mark: We really should start doing our taxes next Saturday.
Me: You're absolutely right. I'll pick up Quicksand's ShirkoTax this week..."
When Your Car Talks Back Does one wrong turn render you hopelessly lost? If so, you may want to check out the new hot feature in automobiles: navigation systems. But before you buy one, be sure to take it out for a test talk.
Garbage Out, Garbage In "How would you like to own a precocious trash bin? If Ohio based NCR Corp. has its way, your next garbage can will have a higher IQ than you..."
Surfing For Madeleines "I want to be Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. Not that I'm power hungry or anything like that. Hey, cut out the snide comments ... and that's an order..."
E-Mapping It Out "When my husband Mark suggested an impromptu trip to Long Island's East Hampton, I instinctively reached for a map. Then I remembered; we no longer own any maps. They were soaked beyond redemption in a flash flood that destroyed our car during our last impromptu trip. We replaced the car, but not the maps..."
Unplugged And Unhinged "Maybe I was getting a bit cocky about my Internet prowess. Perhaps I bragged one time too many about my overnight-conversion from high-tech dummy to..."
