Bill Clinton Bypass Surgery

Bill Clinton, after having chest pains, is going in for quadruple bypass surgery. according to Reuters.

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Former President Bill Clinton will undergo quadruple bypass surgery later on Friday, television networks reported.

ABC and CBS television reported that Clinton, 58, had checked in to the hospital for quadruple heart bypass surgery.

CNN reported that the former Democratic president was undergoing tests at New York Presbyterian hospital after experiencing chest pains.

Ok, I'm going to be a cynical prick here (should be a surprise to no one).
I'm not wishing for death to Bubba, but if he should not come out of this I won't be shedding any tears either.
With that said, is anyone watching the breaking news on this?
How many times was Clinton's love of fast food mentioned? 40-50 times in two minutes?
Look for Bubba to become the new spokes-asshole and posterchild for anti-fast food legislation if he pulls through.
I'd say Hitlery would be if he croaks, but she'll probably be too busy working on her 2008 presidential campaign.
Remember: you heard the prediction here first.

The Frizzen Sparks Quick Guide To Protesting

Intro:
Do you suffer from angst, anger, or irritation at the illogical successes of conservative policies and beliefs?
Do you sit in your dorm room day after day cursing the ignorant masses across the country that can't seem to comprehend how much better life would be if they accepted the wisdom of Karl Marx?
Do you need an outlet for your pent up energy that in no way involves constructive work?
Are you upset that war-mongering neo-cons aren't being dragged into the streets and set on fire in the name of peace and goodwill towards mankind?

What you need to do is get out there and PROTEST!
Voting, working within the system for change, and setting a good example are simply dead end strategies that can accomplish nothing in a patriarchal imperialist society.
"How can I, a lowly (pick one of each) empowered person of color/apologetic caucasian, gay/bi/transgendered/curious, muslim/wiccan/buddhist/atheist, liberal arts/philosophy/english lit major make a difference??" you may ask.
Here’s where “The Frizzen Sparks Quick Guide to Protesting” can help! In three easy steps, you can be forcing your viewpoint on the uneducated masses in no time!

Chapter One: Picking a cause

Regardless of what cause you decide to champion, you should always make sure
it adheres to most or all of the following guidelines:

• Socialism/Communism will fix the problem you've decided to attack. From animal rights, economics, health, religion, sexuality, to weather patterns, there's nothing that the wisdom of Karl Marx can't fix. Always refer to anyone upholding these beliefs as a progressive, since true progress will never be achieved if the masses are allowed to think for themselves without the direction of the intellectual elite such as yourself.
• Can it be blamed on conservatives? (Easy, since conservatives cause most problems with their stubborn denial of the wisdom of Marx).
• Can it be blamed on the Zionists (again, easy, since they are all conservatives). Do NOT blame it on Jews however. That would be racist. Any Jew who isn't a progressive is a Zionist.
• Can it be blamed on George W. Bush? Anything that has happened or continues to happen during the Bush regime (regardless of whether it has any relation to any policies set forth by Bush) is Bush's fault.
• Does your cause have a catchy chant or slogan?
• Does advocating this cause further your own personal goals, such as getting laid, expanding your consciousness with drugs, avoiding personal hygiene, avoiding meaningful employment, and wanton destruction of other people's property in a display of infantile temper?

As you see, these guidelines are pretty easy to follow.
While there are many fine causes out there, you may wish to start your own. This will get you even more of the attention you deserve as a stalwart activist of [insert cause here], and member of the cultural elite.
Creating a cause is easier than it sounds. As long as you follow the guidelines above, are vocal to the point of drowning out dissenting opinions, and make sure that there are plenty of hotties and drugs at your rallies, you'll have a following in no time.
For those of you who have expanded your consciousness to the point of not being able to think of a cause, try one from our list:

• "End the Amerikkkan Imperialist Occupation of the Hawaiian Islands"
• "Save the Salmon! Lox is a Zionist Holocaust on a Bagel!"
• "Refund the Louisiana Purchase now!"
• "Wipe those faces! Restore Mt. Rushmore back to it's natural state!"
• "Ban Electricity!"
• "Stop George Bush before he eats another baby!"
• "White Slaves for Black Slavery Descendants!"
• "Ban Urinals Now! A gynocrime against Wymanity."

Chapter Two: Defending the Cause

Once you've picked your cause, inevitably (and often immediately) you will run into people who will assault your newfound convictions.
Never let them drive a wedge into the armor of your righteousness.
Remember that any "facts", or "logic" they use to persuade you your cause is incorrect are the products of a non-progressive, patriarchal society founded by rich, white slave owners. Anything they say is therefore tainted, and not as worthy as your enlightened viewpoint.
When confronted with information to the contrary of what you know to be true, loudly retaliate with a healthy dose of socialist ideology. Actually considering, confronting, and debating their viewpoint is pointless since a true dialog is impossible without them being educated enough to understand your progressive stance on the issue. Force feeding them the wisdom these poor, deluded, capitalist lackeys obviously need is the only way for them to truly understand you.
Usually this will get them to go away, or provoke an altercation you can use as an example of how the (pick one or more) Neo-Con/Zionist/Patriarchial/Racist/Homophobic/Sexist/Meat-eating/War Mongering indoctrination of the unenlightened masses promotes the violent silencing of dissenting viewpoints. Loudly and assertively stress this to everyone within earshot, when possible drowning out the objections and counter-protests of those deluded fools who disagree with your obviously superior ideals (get your group to physically intimidate them if possible).

This brings us to our last chapter.

Chapter Three: Getting Noticed

After all, a protest is worthless if the media doesn’t notice it.
The best way to project your superior ideology is by getting as much attention as possible, by any means necessary.
Several tried and true ways of proving that your ideas/ideals are superior are:

• Flinging human waste
• Setting things on fire
• Attacking officers of the law
• Nudity and/or public sex acts
• Screaming profanities
• Abusing effigies of George Bush
• Fake bomb threats
• Real bomb threats
• Inconveniencing as many people trying to get to work as possible
• Overwhelming body odor
• Destroying infrastructure that hardworking people depend on
• Trespassing
• Vandalizing cars with "Bush '04", "NRA", or pro-life stickers on them

These are just the tip of the iceberg, get creative! Through actions like these you will surely convince the masses of the inherent and obvious worthiness your cause has.
Remember, if the badge wearing fascists of the Zionist, Neo-Con Patriarchy seek to oppress your free speech, you're doing it right!

I hope this guide helps you in your quest to fight the man. Keep in mind however that nothing makes a point like becoming a martyr to the cause. Suicide is a completely acceptable way of achieving this if the forces arranged against you won't conveniently contribute to your death.

In fact, why not skip the protests and just go for broke on that to begin with?

Boudicca in the path of the storm

Boudicca has asked Harvey and I to keep everyone updated on her condition (via e-mail) on our blogs if she becomes unable to post on hers. She's got a high probability of hurricane Frances rolling right at her, and she's battening down the hatches.
Stay tuned.
We're all crossing our fingers and hoping you don't get nailed, Bou.

Frances for Dummies

Nasty!

Turkish Man Squirts Milk From Eye 9.2 Feet- AP wire via Newsday.com

ISTANBUL, Turkey -- Ilker Yilmaz might just hold one of the world's most bizarre world records. The Turkish construction worker on Wednesday poured milk into his hand, loudly snorted it up his nose and squirted it 9.2 feet out of his left eye in what he hopes will be recognized as a new world record.

"I'm happy and proud that I can get Turkey in the record book even if it's for milk squirting," said the 28-year-old. He says he is among only a handful of people around the world who can perform the feat because of an anomaly in his tear gland.

That is disgusting. Utterly nasty and disturbing.
I'm really upset that I couldn't find a picture :)

I'd gladly be his second

Yes, it was Zell Miller ripping "Noballs" Matthews a new one.
Here's a link to the video clip off of TVNewser. (Bonnet tip to Michelle Malkin from whom I pilfered the link).

My favorite line?

"I wish we lived in the day that I could challenge you to a duel."

Pistols or blades, I'll gladly provide the arms and be your second Zell.

Fuck Imus

While they haven't tipped left so far they've capsized like CNN, MSNBC is still leaning so far to port I'm surprised their anchor people don't require gimbals for their coffee mugs.
Was watching Imus a bit ago (because changing the channel would have required movement) on MSNBC. He was talking with Maureen Dowd (almost enough energy to Find. The. Remote.) about the Bush daughters. Got into how Imus' callers pretty much unanimously think Kerry's daughters are hotter (Must. Reach. Remote.) and that Kerry's spawn was probably booed at the Mtv awards because "The hip hop generation doesn't know anything about politics and they probably thought it was Bush's daughters they were booing". Niiice. Even if that's true, they said it in a tone that was more like "forgive them, for they know not what they do" instead of "dear god, these idiots are old enough to vote". Urggh. (Annoyance. Burning. Through. Lethargy.) High point was someone (I think it was Zell Miller) basically ripping Chris Matthews a new asshole. The "I'm going to smirk while inside I'm pissing myself because someone isn't taking my shit" look on Matthews face was priceless. (Annoyance. Lessening. Now. Amused.) Then Dowd started talking again, something insulting about Lynn Cheney's fashion sense or some stupid thing, which gave me just enough energy to find the remote and turn on cartoons. Ahhhh.

Cripes, blogging sleep deprived is worse than being drunk.

Sleep is for the weak, The Sequel

[whine]Ahhh, the wide eyed blank stare, the shaking of the hands, the random disturbing thoughts that make me spontaneously release evil giggles (which frighten those around me).
It's school time again for the Elderspawn, which means it's sleep deprivation time again for yours surly.
Not getting home until 1am, then having to get up at 6am sucks.[/whine]

Fit Vs. Fat

Ok, I've decided that it's time to get back into some kind of shape other than round. I've halfassed done this before, but now I'm serious.
If I don't my sons are going to be too young to be pall bearers on the piano they'll have to bury me in.
Anyway, I happened across this article at The Center For Comsumer Freedom that hits a point I've streesed for years.
BMI (body mass index) ratings are bullshit.

Does BMI stand for "Big Malarkey Index?" asks reporter Carolyn Susman in this morning's Palm Beach Post. Picking up on our concerns about the government's flawed standard separating "normal" from "overweight" and "obese," she points out that BMI "sounds like code for something kids might giggle about. But it stands for body mass index, and lately it's become a joke to some people." There's no punch line, but there is plenty to be mad about.

Susman also describes how the Center for Consumer Freedom has pointed out that celebrities like Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and Tom Cruise are considered "obese." She simply asks: "You wanna tell 'em?" But setting that aside, and forgetting for the moment the government's 1998 decision to shift its definition in such a way that more than 30 million Americans instantly became "overweight" without gaining an ounce, the biggest problem with the BMI is that it neglects a growing body of scientific evidence showing that peoples' fitness level is far more important than their weight.

How much should most Americans care about their BMI? As the Post reports, "Not much, according to an emerging group of academics." The article quotes Michigan State University professor Jon Robison:

The BMI is relatively useless as an indicator of health for individuals. Contrary to what we have been told by the government, there is a minimal relationship between increased BMI and health-related issues, except at the very extremes of the weight distribution (very, very fat and very, very thin).

Leading obesity myth debunker Dr. Glenn Gaesser, professor and director of the kinesiology department at the University of Virginia, was also quoted in the Post story. He argues that a "fit man carrying 50 pounds of body fat had a death rate less than one-half that of an unfit man with only 25 pounds of body fat."

I was told by three doctors and a physical therapist that I could basically throw the BMI out the window for my body type. I'm shaped like a barrel. My doctor said they didn't have a listing for my body type, a simple "small, medium, or large" frame definition doesn't cut it.
The BMI says I should weigh 178 lbs. When I was working out 5 days a week, cardio and weights, was on an 1800 cal a day diet, and on phentermine for 8 months I got down to 211. I felt like shit. I lost a ton of muscle mass.
Fuck that. I'm just going to hit the exercise bike (I'll be swiping that from my dad's house this weekend) and the weights, and watch what I eat. If my BP stays good, and I can bench 250lbs, I don't give a shit if some government chart says I'm obese.
I haven't weighed myself in a long time (actually been scared to) but I'll bet I'm pushing 300lbs, and I'm seriously out of shape.
I'm going to go lift now. The guys at work can laugh at me while I stagger around sore as hell :)

Spider Preserve?

Ok, this is something I never even thought of...

Survey Records Pattern of Tarantulas
-AP wire via Newsday.com

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. -- From now until the start of winter, male tarantulas are roaming around, searching for female mates, an ideal time to find out where the spiders flourish in Arkansas.

So Michael Warriner, the coordinator of a statewide tarantula survey, expects even more reports of the creatures. Since May, he's recorded more than 700 sightings from ordinary people and is beginning to get an idea of where tarantulas flourish in the state.

Soon to be published in the book "Places with big gottdam hairy spiders everywhere!" from Redneck Press.
Ok, I'm not an arachniphobe, but I don't particularly like spiders that much either. Even though they are pretty much harmless, I don't like the idea of freakin' tarantulas everwhere. Just a personal preference kind of thing. If I woke up with one of those big hairy bastards crawling on me I wouldn't sleep for a week.

If there are more species, for example, in secluded colonies in the Ouachitas, Warriner might try to change policy to protect the species. The state could buy private property and keep it as a reserve or persuade officials to do prescribed burns when tarantulas are nestled away in burrows, he said.

A spider preserve? Talk about horror movie fodder!

Update:
(cue funky 60's spy music)
"SHHHPIDAH!"
"He is our hero!"
"SHHHPIDAH!"
"get rid of..."
"SHHHPIDAH!"
"Step on spidah!"
"SHHHPIDAH!"
"He is our hero!"
"HUUUOOOHHNNNNN!!!"

"I Promise not to kill you."
(cue FSS music)

(Apologies to those who have no damn clue what that was about. I've had that song stick in my head since I posted this)

Heart attack scare

I utterly freaked out this morning when I woke up.
As I sat up out of bed, my chest constricted and an ungodly pain shot through my sternum. I've had heartburn plenty of times and this was completely different, not a burning, but a stabbing pain that about doubled me over.
I started to call out to my wife when a loud "CRACK!" sounded from my chest when I leaned back, after which the pain went away instantly, replaced by a not unpleasant muscle burning like you get after stretching.
I popped my sternum like cracking my knuckles. I've only had that happen once (a long time ago) and it scared the shit out of me. I thought maybe I had a heart attack anyway, but hardly any of the symptoms matched. And somehow I don't think I'd be sitting here eating a baked chicken breast and blogging about it if I had.
Kind of reminds me that I haven't had the blood pressure checked in awhile. Even being overweight I've always had good BP. My wife (who is a CNA) can't check my BP at home because my arms are too big for her BP cuff and she doesn't have any other sizes here (they have them when she works of course). Ditto on the "Check your BP" machines. I can't even fit my arm into the plastic tube the cuff is mounted in on those things, and even if I could I'd probably get a BP reading somewhere along the lines of what a giraffe might have.
Time for my fat ass to lose some weight.

Comment Spam

Goddamn! I spent a good part of yesterday and today getting rid of over Five Hundred comment spams!!
Even with Mt-Blacklist installed it took awhile to delete that many.
Bastards.
Spammers rate in my book about one half step above child molestors and eco-terrorists (which means I want to gutshoot them and leave them to die on an anthill instead of kneecap, gutshoot, and THEN leave them to die on an anthill like pedophiles and eco-terrorists).

"Noballs" With Chris Matthews

Chris Matthews is one of the reasons I don't even watch network news channels anymore.
I'd much rather just read text than have my blood pressure spike to the point of sweating hemoglobin.
"Hardball" is so fucking ridiculous that the spoof they do of it on SNL is actually less biased and more informative.
This mini-rant came up after I was reading Ann Coulter's take on Matthews via her blog.
It's par for the course with that sack of shit who doesn't deserve a public access TV slot let alone his own show:

Matthews employs a logical calculus known as "begging the question," which goes something like this:

1. John Kerry claims to be a great war hero.

2. Maybe so, but legitimate questions have been raised about his combat record.

3. How can you say that about a great war hero like John Kerry?

When John O'Neill, author of "Unfit for Command," went on "Hardball," Matthews accused O'Neill of being a Republican operative and demanded that O'Neill detail for "Hardball's" six remaining viewers his voting history for the past 20 years in mind-numbing detail. (Completely destroying his case against Kerry, in 1988, O'Neill voted for George Herbert Walker Bush!) Apparently voting for a Republican presidential candidate 15 years ago is a credibility-destroyer, whereas being a former member of the White House staff under Jimmy Carter, as Chris Matthews is, enhances one's credibility.

Normally an interview on a newly released book consists of the author being asked questions about his book and the author answering the questions. With O'Neill, Matthews interviewed himself.

Also, erstwhile war protester John Hurley was interviewed along with O'Neill about "Unfit for Command." The fact that Hurley (1) didn't write the book, and (2) is a paid Kerry campaign worker raises no credibility issues. A colleague of Kerry's in Vietnam Veterans Against the War, Hurley's contribution to the interview about a book he didn't write consisted of his piping in periodically with insightful comments about O'Neill, such as "his book and his organization is built on lies and distortions."

O'Neill's contribution to a discussion about his own book consisted mostly of meaningless sentence fragments:

O'Neill: I don't believe that ... (MATTHEWS INTERRUPTION)

O'Neill: Well, I'm not here to ... (MATTHEWS INTERRUPTION)

O'Neill: I think he is millions of steps behind, because he went over ... (MATTHEWS INTERRUPTION)

O'Neill: His first Purple ... (MATTHEWS INTERRUPTION)

O'Neill: Well, the first ... (MATTHEWS INTERRUPTION)

O'Neill: You're right. I'm saying ... (MATTHEWS INTERRUPTION)

O'Neill: Well, wait just a second. What you've done is ... (MATTHEWS INTERRUPTION)

O'Neill: First of all ... (MATTHEWS INTERRUPTION)

Finally, O'Neill proposed that he be allowed to answer questions and Matthews erupted with an indignant speech notable mostly for being slightly longer than anything O'Neill ever got to say:

Matthews: "One of the oldest tricks on this show is for somebody to come on the show after talking for 20 minutes and say they haven't had the chance to talk. I'll be glad to clock you, John, on how many minutes you spoke on the show. So don't try that old trick. It is a particularly conservative trick, OK? So let's move on here."

Let's review the transcript!

Total words by book author John O'Neill: approximately 1,150. (Complete sentences devoid of Matthews interruptions: about 2.)

Total words by paid Kerry flack Hurley: approximately 950.

Total words by Matthews, excluding host prattle ("Welcome back to 'Hardball'!"): approximately 2,290.

I mourn the demise of what was once considered the art of debate.
Liberal arsewipes have taken what used to be a legitimate clash of ideas into a screaming match.
I, for one, wouldn't be surprised if Kerry doesn't stick his fingers in his ears and starts yelling "LALALALALALALALALA" when he debates Bush. For a fact he'll be interrupting every seven seconds like Gorebot did.
Add that to the sleazy ambush tactics they use (like Matthews did on Michelle Malkin) and I tremble with the urge to strangle every one of these pompus assholes with their own mike cords.
We need fewer journalists and more reporters.

Galesburg Pics

Well my buddy Contagion (AKA Seamus MacPhail) has the pictures from Galesburg up on his site The Spoon & Blade
A fair farning however, there be a photo of Seamus' pasty scottish legs exposed in all there glaring glory, wi' his breeches aboot his ankles!! (The sheep was underage and not included in the photo for legal reasons). Also included are Littlejoe and me doing the Wade of Shame™ from our audition to join the Voyageurs (fuck it, who wants to be with the French anyway?), the sword arch at the wedding, and Clannie Alix and Seamus having a meaningful dialog and exchange of opinions.
Go suck up his bandwidth :)

Fuck John Kerry

Ok, earlier in the week I did a post basically outlining why I think spending time pounding on Kerry's 'Nam record is a mistake.
A comment from Harvey got me thinking though:

All this crap will blow over, just enjoy watching Kerry twitch like he's been gut-shot in the meantime.

Well.... yeah! Shit, I'm not the one designing their campaign strategy (thankfully). I should be relishing every moment of that bastard twisting in the wind.
So I've added a "Fuck John Kerry" section to my "Election 2004" sidebar list.
John Kerry's "A New Soldier" is free to read online with the original cover pic that shows Kerry and Co. mocking the famous flag raising at Iwo Jima in WWII (I'm downloading the PDF before it "mysteriously disappears"), the Senate testimony where he shat opon the honor of the armed forced he now says he's proud to have served in, and I'll be adding more goodies as I find them.