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Heh. I just checked my emails and Andy has sent me the funniest questionnaires. Just to explain the background, Andy reads a lot of this and writes questionnaires for my magazine that are heavily influenced by it and take the piss out of those crap questionaires you get in proper magazines. And he, Stuart, and all my other boy friends have a habit of teasing each other with the primary-school favourite line "Are you gay or something?" and such like. These quizzes are an elaboration on that...
Are You Gay?
Are you? Are you fucking gay or something? Do you like bumming men, eh? Or maybe you?re one of those women-gays. What do they even do? They what? Ugh, that?s disgusting? can I watch? But anyway? In the world we live in these days the boundaries between the sexualities are increasingly blurred, and sodomising the arse of another is even considered legal in some towns in the south. How therefore are we to know if we too would enjoy being entered in some way or even entering the orifi of a member of our own gender? Easy - With our glib pre-packaged generic questionnaire(s)!
QUIZ FOR MEN
1. You wake up to find yourself with a big lob on. What are you most likely to have just been dreaming about?
a) Thirteen cheerleaders running in slow motion through a wind tunnel.
b) Two huge bowls of ice cream with cherries on top.
c) Daddy shouting, mummy crying.
d) A nice pert arse, belonging to a sexy man who you would like to have sex with.
2. You are walking past the meat counter in the supermarket. What takes your fancy?
a) A big juicy steak that will give you the energy required to become fat and be lewd at young girls when you?re drunk with your disgusting fat mates in the pub.
b) Chicken breast.
c) A whole baby pig with its heart torn out.
d) Big sausages that look like the cocks of men that you would like to suck and have stuck up your bum as sex.
3. Whilst browsing in HMV you spot a copy of your favourite cd. What is it?
a) Some full on butch nu-metal RAWK! that you like to mosh to and feel up female crowd surfers while they?re at your mercy.
b) Some dance compilation that you bought cos it had a girl on the front.
c) A cd of children?s songs that you listen to and cry trembling in the corner.
d) Will Young?s cd which you bought cos you think he?s sexy in a male way.
4. While flicking through the channels on your spanky TV set, what are you most likely to stop and watch?
a) Baywatch, phwoar!
b) Ground Force.
c) Any show with children playing happily which you watch, mouth slightly agape, eyes wide with the merest hint of pain and tears behind your rapturously lit face.
d) Baywatch, phwoar!
5. You go to the toilet in a pub. Do you??
a) Go to the urinal, whack out your length and piss freely ? staring straight ahead so as not to catch an unpleasant glimpse of another man?s winky.
b) Go to the cubicle and take slightly too long as you think about that girl whose arse was pressed against you in the queue for the bar.
c) Still hear the banging on the bathroom door. The banging and the fear?
d) Wish that there was another man in there with you so you could kiss his face and feel your stiffies straining at each other through your trousers.
6. The film Speed comes on the TV. Do you??
a) Crack open some lager and sit on your sofa with your legs apart staring at the screen like a pile of offal.
b) Look at Sandra Bullock?s cleavage throughout and miss most of the plot.
c) Remember the bus rides to school. The calm before the storm. The peace. The anticipation. The shakes?
d) Look at Keanu Reeves and estimate the density of his scrotal content and what it would feel like banging against your chin.
Did you answer?
MOSTLY A?S: You?re either a deeply repressed homosexual or a virile cock-fearing straight man with nothing to worry about. The fact that you bothered to finish this quiz implies the former. Think about it. You had to do a quiz to make sure. That means you doubted yourself. A real straight man would have turned the page straight away. What?s wrong with you? One day you?ll wake up and you?ll be forty three and suddenly queer.
MOSTLY B?S: You?re definitely not gay but you clearly don?t have a girlfriend so you might as well be. If you had a girlfriend you wouldn?t be reading this magazine. You?d be in her bedroom having sex to her on her boobies. Just think of the hours of ecstacy your missing out on. Thrust thrust thrust? not for you. Then there?s the walks on the beach, the walks on the beach, the intimacy, the feeling of completeness? still you could always rent Sleepless in Seattle again.
Or watch Blind Date with tears in your eyes, you sad twat.
MOSTLY C?S: You?re not gay but god help you?
MOSTLY D?S: You are gay. You probably already knew that but if you didn?t then what are you waiting for? There are uncharted depths of muscular arseflesh waiting for the insertion of your blood-hardened man-girder to pummel them to orgasm as we speak. Stop reading. Get out there and bugger. Oh and if you?re catholic then you?re going to hell so make the most of it.
QUIZ FOR WOMEN
1. You wake up to find yourself with the horn ? your twitchy fanny button is stiff like a smartie. What are you most likely to have just been dreaming about?
a) Some guy who looks like Leo DiCaprio or something staring at you smouldery-eyed across the floor of some pleb-filled disco. Before walking across the floor and impressing you with his wit, sweeping you up in his arms and filling your vagina with his penis.
b) Waking up in the back room of the library with Mr D?Arcy.
c) Cutting off that ungrateful shit of an ex-boyfriend?s pathetic chipolata prick and burning it in front of his family.
d) Being muff munched by Britney Spears in dungarees.
2. You are walking past the meat counter in the supermarket. What takes your fancy?
a) Big sausages that look like the cocks of men that you would like to suck and have stuck up your fanny as sex.
b) Mince for your puppy Timmy. The one with the waggly tail and licky tongue.
c) The cleaver they?re using to chop up the carcasses like all the men who?ve ever done you wrong.
d) Big sausages that look like the cocks of men that you would like to strap onto yourself and have stick up another girl?s twinkle as sex.
3. Whilst browsing in HMV you spot a copy of your favourite cd. What is it?
a) Will Young?s cd that you bought before you realised he was gay. It?s still a good song though ? you soulless whore.
b) That Green Day cd you got cos Jason liked it and talked to you about it once, long ago.
c) You Oughta Know by Alanis Morrisette. She sings more truth than anyone could ever know.
d) I am a lesbian by The Lesbians.
4. While flicking through the channels on your spanky TV set, what are you most likely to stop and watch?
a) Baywatch, phwoar!
b) Titanic, or Romeo and Juliet or some fucking shite.
c) Something in which Davina McColl brays at some boob-tubed bimbo until she dumps her boyfriend and covers him in gunge.
d) Baywatch, phwoar!
5. You go to the toilet in a pub. Do you??
a) Take two friends with you and fuck about with your make up for what seems like an hour to the poor stiff trousered twat you left holding your drink at the bar whilst you discuss him with your friends before you let him take you home and cum in your twat.
b) Sit quietly pissing whilst the prettier girls discuss all those gorgeous hunks out there that will always be just out of your reach.
c) Pity those poor bitches talking about their boyfriends and how they don?t know that all men are worthless cheating scum and your better off with your cuntbuster 2000.
d) Drunkenly take advantage of the fact that girls are comfortable with intimate same sex contact by adjusting your friend?s top and ?accidentally? touching her nipple.
6. The film Speed comes on the TV. Do you??
a) Remember the time when you let some guy get to third base with you on a bus and absentmindedly flick yourself off over Keanu?s chest.
b) Turn it off and put your Wuthering heights video on.
c) Laugh out loud at the idea of basing a relationship on passion. That never works. Then proceed to tell Sandra Bullock exactly what you think she should do. She can?t hear you you stupid bitter bitch. It?s a film.
d) Daydream about licking Bullock?s snatch.
Did you answer?
MOSTLY A?S: You are straight. You are also a whore. All women are whores.
MOSTLY B?S: You are straight. You have a great personality and have loads of male friends who you get on with really well and think of them more as brothers than potential boyfriends ? largely because you haven?t got a fucking chance with them. The only time they even remotely come on to you is when they?re completely shitfaced you probably went too far once and let one of them fuck you then felt cheap and used in the morning when he came out with some crap about not wanting to ruin the friendship. Take solace in the fact that you have a genuinely great personality, well you?d have to really. Your probably have a great sense of humour too. In fact you?d be every man?s ideal partner if you weren?t so fucking rank ugly.
MOSTLY C?S: You are straight but you wish you were a lesbian. There are decent men out there it?s just none of them go to the same shitty dives you go to. And they all have girlfriends. Girlfriends they love and have great sex with and would never cheat on in a million years.
MOSTLY D?S: You are a lesbian. If you get a coherent business strategy and don?t mind the morals of it you may never have to work again.
Oh Lord, how I laughed.
[If you're offended, please don't bother to tell me, it'll spoil my fun. And that's all it is - fun. Satire. He doesn't seriously believe this shit, comprende?]
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